Not Your Mother's Book On Sex

You know you want it.

Come on.

It's not hard.

Just go for it.

You'll be glad you did.

It's about sex.

Everyone needs it.

Most want it.

Only a few Gotta have it.  (The book that is!  Get your mind out of the gutter!)

This is the book that is HARD to put down.

It will make you laugh.

It will make you sigh.

It will be very stimulating.

It is something you will not forget easily.

Sort of like sex.

Available on Amazon, pick up the book by clicking HERE

If you need another reason, I have an essay in it.  "Do you Vajazzle?"

Happy Fall Ya'll

It's the first day of fall and I cannot be happier.  Gone are the days of sweat running down my back from a walk from my front door to my car.  There are so many different reasons to love the cooler weather, I thought I would share a few with you.

Preparing for Hibernation.  The cooler weather signals cold weather is on its way and everyone must prepare for hibernation correctly.  That is why there is pumpkin spice everywhere, because it is usually loaded with double fat, lots of caramel and of course several large eggs.  (My children say, eggs, butter, milk - of course it is healthy) But don't worry, the calories don't count as long as you can cover it up with warm clothes, bringing the arrival of long sweaters, and jeggings.

The arrival of all of our favorite TV shows.  Does anyone think it is interesting that all of our TV shows start as soon as we "fall back" onto our couches because it is already dark outside?  I think not.

Fall is a gentle reminder that Christmas is right around the corner.  No, not to freak out and go shopping, but to start looking for that Ugly Christmas Sweater you bought at end of season last year and put in a "safe place."

The advent of hoodies and sweats and everything nice leads us to the Sasquatch look, or as some women call it the "French" method of shaving.  Luckily the only time the hair on our legs sees the light of day is at the gym, but nobody cares because everyone looks like Sasquatch at the gym during winter.

Cobwebs come back in style.  Remember that cleaning project you thought of in July?  Cleaning all the cobwebs off of your home?  Never got to it?  Don't worry about it!  With Halloween coming up, you're house will be the coolest in the neighborhood!  Better yet, with a cold winter maybe all the spiders freezing their butts off will leave your home and move South.

The Uggs come out of the closet as your feet descend into their warm fur.  Most never take them off until May so that smell of spring, well we call it Eau de Ugg Feet!

The only stressor of fall for me is the battle of the thermostat.  Wanting cool fresh air, I'll leave the windows open and leave off the heat.  My children walk by in the morning with a nice coat of frost on their face begging me to turn on the heat.  But I try to refuse until the first snow of the season.  We will see who wins this year.

Finally, once the temperature dips it is perfect acceptable to make love under the covers and no one thinks you are hiding something.  In my house, I can put away the Vaseline I've coated the door knob with, keeping little hands from turning it.  Plus, with the changeover to flannel sheets, my hubby never knows my legs are fuzzy, they just feel like the sheets.

So as the temperatures fall, and some of you are sniffing as you put away the flip flops and sun screen, remember there are plenty of reasons to celebrate Fall!

What would you add?

How can I be too stupid to date?

I was researching a story I had on my mind and wondered how hard it was to sign up for the dating services.  No, I am 28 years happily married, it was RESEARCH!  I picked one of the biggest ones.

The first screen looked like a piece of paper that read:

Me, I figured it was just a welcome screen, so I clicked on the Let's Get Started Button.

This is what I got back:

And that, my friends is why I have been happily married for 28 years.  Maybe tomorrow I'll do a little more research and report what happens IF I get past the welcome screen.

WTF - Mathematics of Life

Here's a few math problems for your What The Friday email:

Johnny as 10 minutes to get out the door to a job interview.  Via forgot to print off his resume.  Johnny is yelling at Via to print off his resume he has to go.

Determine the percentages of each item to equal 100%
a.  The Printer is out of ink.
b.  The Printer is not connected to the network.
c.  Three consecutive paper jams
d.  Johnny and Via divorce.

Maya has one Chateau de Box of Red Wine.  She reads a recipe that calls for red wine as part of the preparation.  There is enough left in Maya's box of wine to perform the recipe.  If Maya does not have another box of wine, how far can she reduce the wine in the recipe to save some for herself?

Hulio and Raolo meet at their 20th High School Reunion.  Hulio is still single and hitting the bar scene.  Raolo is married with 3 children under the age of ten.  Determine the percentage that Hulio and Raolo have anything in common to talk about.

Consuela has 5 bottles of wine.  She drinks 30% of the bottles in hand.  What does Consuela have?

There are 53 candy bars after halloween, if 8 children dive for the leftover candy, how many pieces does each child get?

Bernard has read that used wine can be frozen in ice cubes.  He has found Mia's leftover wine, 1/4 bottle.  How many ice cubes can he make before Mia kicks his butt for using her wine?

Probability - Determine the probability of Vera getting a cold shower if the temperature is 16 degrees, there are 4 people showering ahead of her and 1 dog has rolled in shit.

You are welcome for That Grey Area helping you stretch your brain muscles with REAL WORLD math problems.  What problems would you add?

New Years, Schmew Years

Everyone makes New Years resolutions.  Here are mine:

Every day I will realize that I am blessed.  Especially on those days where I don't have to lay on the floor to button my pants.

I choose to wine more, and whine less.  Yes, there is a difference.



I resolve to finally finish 50 Shades of Grey and not keep getting stuck at the good parts, you have to put up with the soft parts to get to the hard parts.

I will listen to my children, or at least act the part a little better.

I will clean out my pantry.  Today, the day before New Years, that way I can eat all the crappy food and wake up the next morning bloated with a resolution to only buy healthy food.

I will buy bras that fit.  I don't need them to look cute, I just need them out of the way.

I will cook more gourmet meals, or at least, hide the box better.

I will not text and drive, wait, I wasn't doing that anyway---honest.

I will spend more time with my family.  I'll still not listen to them, but I will be around, nodding, more often.

I will appreciate my friends, even when they are laughing as I lay on my back by the side of the ski slope.  Oh, you are so next.

I will be softer on myself, because, face it, everything about myself is softer and rounder - face, thighs, butt, legs.....

I will say what is on my mind.  Oh wait, that's my resolution from last year.

I will realize that this year is the only 2014 that I get - so I plan to go big or go home.  Oh wait, that bridge is burned!

WTF - Birth Doll?

OK, I am very excited about a new addition to the Melang EXTENDED family - Hendrix Westmoreland.  And I am really glad that many parents are enlightened.  As a writer for Forsyth Family Magazine, I get emails for products to test for our readers - families.

Enter the Birth Doll - a doll that shows the process of birth so children can understand at an early age.  The doll advertised allows Momma to explain to little Henry how he was born naturally, while his sister was born by C-Section.

 Where do I begin?  First of all both of the dolls have mothers that look like they are on drugs - and believe me after my two experiences with child birth - drugs are a good thing!

Then I think about my young child playing with these dolls:

Your child starts playing with the doll by pulling the baby out of the Momma and the cord is stuck - well of course they continue to pull it?  Would I say, "Yes, that's the way I remember it?"  Or would I coach the inner doctor in them, "you must coach the baby out gently."

And what if they start shoving the baby back up the Momma?  Would I say, "No honey, once you were ready to be born, I was more for pulling the baby out that shoving back in.  And a lot of you, once you start working for a living would probably wish you could get shoved back in?"  or do I say what I am really thinking, "Out or in - make a decision."

Of course, my son pulls the baby out and tosses him to the side.  This makes me think of his little brother.

What they did not get in the dolls correct - is this:
the pained look on their face.
The boobs the size of NFL footballs
The baby should be the side of a NFL football because this is what it feels you are passing.
the husband standing there saying, "Push!"  Until the wife yells, "SHUT UP!"
and the biggest problem?

Everyone is quiet.  No one is quiet in the birthing room.

So no, I think came up with a better way to educate my children about the birthing process -

Take them to the local farm, where in one day:
We explained why the one horse "really likes" the other horse.
They watched a hen vent an egg with horror.
The cute baby lamb with the umbilical cord hanging from it
To the back of the sheep that gave birth.

Believe me, I think this was the best birth control lesson ever taught.

I'm taking them back when they turn 13.

Have you seen this doll?

WTF - Brookstone how could you?

No, that is not a bullet you see but the Buzz Pinpoint Mini Personal Massager from Brookstone.

Is it just me or do you see a mini dildo too?  And is their advertisement saying it is?

From the Brookstone Catalog:

They say you can use this to target TIGHT muscles?  Uh huh.

It is a PERSONAL massager with DEEP, SOOTHING Vibration- oh yeah.

Anytime you need it and fits in a


Briefcase - "why did Carly just lock her office door?"

purse - "Honey, that's not lipstick, I don't think you want to touch that."

gym bag - "Harold your gym bag is vibrating?  What? It's a massager?  Why do you have that in men's locker room?"

And then of course for our busy generation - it's a ONE button tool, so you only need to use one hand - perfect for mothers who are using the other hand holding the bathroom door shut.

There is a disclaimer that you should not use the massager if you are pregnant - shouldn't they clarify it is the perfect Christmas gift for Dad if Mom is pregnant?

Or on a pacemaker - would it cause your blood flow to change pulling too much away from your heart?

So if you are thinking of the perfect gift - think about the mini massager, better yet slip it into their stocking and let them explain to the children exactly what it is.

At least Brookstone believes in modesty.  Batteries are not included so they can put it out on display in the store and not have anyone use it.

Run do not walk to your mini massager, me?  I'm looking at the blue one - that way I remember which is my lipstick tubes and which is my, well, happy piece.

Oh and yes, he has the Victoria's Secret Catalog and now I have the Brookstone catalog.

Thank you Brookstone.

You know you're a Mom.....

Do any of these ring true to you?


You know you're a Mom, when you finally sit on the toilet at 6pm and wondering, "have I gone to the bathroom yet today?"

You know you're a Mom when you can answer this question:
"How much is a Twix Bar?"
Me:  "Around 79 cents."
"How much if everyone in the world including the people in the Space Station bought a Twix Bar?"
Me: "5 billion 9 hundred thousand seven hundred twenty."

Sure it's not right, but who would know and what do my kids think I am - Google?

You know you're a Mom when you think coffee is supposed to be cold and its only purpose is to keep you awake in the carpool line.

You know you're a Mom when everything you own is stained, according to the age of your children:
throw up, crap, cooking class, arts and crafts, crap, throw up.

You know you're a Mom when it is not surprising to pull an ear plug (just one), a ketchup and duck sauce package, anti fungal cream AND hot pink lip gloss out of your purse.

You know you're a Mom when it is legal to launder money and keep it.

You know you're a Mom when you purposely change the time on your computer so no one knows you're really finally getting to and sending those emails at 347am.

You know you're a Mom when you've learned that there is always time to stop if a child has to pee.

You know you're a Mom when your TaDa list includes meals for 2 boys and their 6 friends, relearning (thank you Google) how to multiply fractions, finish a Ninja Turtle Costume (thank you duct tape) AND no one realizes you are sitting in your room with a romance novel and glass of wine.

You know you're a Mom when the BEST part of your day was not:
The perfect hairdo
The healthy meal
The satisfactory report card
Someone actually flushing the toilet

It is that split second when one of your minions runs up to you and give you a quick hug saying, "Love you."

And you didn't pay them to do it because relatives were visiting.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage - Husband/Wife Edition

Today I celebrate 26 years with a great man who loves me, puts up with all of my crap AND still smiles at me every morning.  How do we do it?  Easy.....



For the Husband:

1.  Don't worry about your socks matching, especially as she gets on in years and can't even see them as she matches them, no one looks at your socks anyway.

2.  The bra hanging on the door knob - she's just reminding you that she's still got it - don't mention it needs a little more underwire than the youthful days.

3.  Dinner is anyway you see it - that burnt food after 26 years - it's just extra flavoring.

4.  There is no perfect way to parent a child - and sometimes duct tape can help you have a casual conversation with your wife.

5.  Say I love you every single day, especially when she asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

For the Wife:

1.  No, you do not look fat in those jeans, and he knows any way he tries to say it will not come out right, just accept the "I love you" and smile.

2.  Great motto for life - always keep your fights on the clean side, and what you do in the bedroom on the dirty side.

3.  He still wants you after watching you give birth, gain then shed 50 lbs AND when you color your hair - you got a good one.

4.  Pick you arguments, the ones that don't matter just smile sweetly and keep what you are saying in your head, in your head.

5.  Starting off and then doing the work to stay friends.  You can tell your friend anything, but if they are married to you you can tell them anything AND they still love you anyway!

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, someone I've been with longer than I've been alone - and that's a good thing.  A lot of people call marriage a work of art - ours will be a masterpiece.

Hello Menopause, my Old Friend

I'm getting old.

Yes, I have fought it every step of the way, but somehow it caught up with me.

I am getting old.

How do I know?

I am having hot flashes.  

Those feelings I used to welcome when watching Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies but now they come at the wrong time.

When someone wants to give me a hug.

When I have put on that cute dress that just seems to not only soak up the water my body produces but places it in the most inappropriate places, like looking like I've peed myself.

I'm having mood swings.

My husband will say, "Good morning sweetie," and I hear, "Hey lardass how many Reese Cups did you eat last night?"  I know it is not right, but something inside makes me react to that.

Then my kids will do what they normally do - not brush their teeth for 6 days, or take their shoes off in the car when the windows are up or spend the afternoon annoying each other, normally I can ignore this, but all of a sudden I want to become Jason Vorhees and take out a chainsaw  and make they feel sorry they said "STOP" for the 1032th time.

I have a teenage face.

I wish it was the lack of wrinkles, or how nice and tight my skin is, it unfortunately is my skin has decided to errupt with craters bigger than Mt. St. Helenes, and off course mine are not the "I don't see anything zits," they are the "Wow, how many times have you picked at that one," zits.

I have a muffin top.

Is there nothing I can do for this extra layer of fat around my waist?  I am cutting my calories, my only carb is a single crouton once a week.  Some of my sisters nod knowingly with the "Oh, yeah, we tried that too" face but they let me do my pilates, my crunches, my burpees and see the same, "When's the baby due" stomach.

Now if I could take care of the liquid carbohydrates, well, then I'd be back at the beginning of this list and in a much worse mood.

I can't sleep.

Sure I worry about my kids, my job, my mortgages, my muffin top.  When I was younger, I'd wake up thinking, "Was that an axe murderer I heard in the house?"  Now, I wake up thinking, "Was that the dog barfing I heard?"  I can fall back to sleep only to wake up again thinking, "Did I actually post that after two glasses of wine?  or When did I pay the electric bill?"  These mean, just get up because you'll be obsessing about it anyway.

I'm become unsure.

I don't know which mood I hate more - the I want to kill everyone or the I am sliding into the pool of old age mood.  One at least gives me energy, the other just makes me sigh.  But then I look at Sophia Loren and Susan Sarandon and Meryl Streep and I just.....well, sigh.  Maybe the liquid bread is the problem.

I have memory loss.

I forget why I walked into a room.  I forget that my glasses are sitting on my head.  I forget that I schedule a facebook post and then like it because I think it is cool.  I write whole short stories and forget them until I read them a few days later.

I forget where I put my keys, I forget if I washed a pile of laundry until I smell it and as I fall to my knees remember this was on going INTO the washer.  I forget all the reminders school sends home, then forget re-reminders.  Yes, I am that parent begging, "I know it is a week late, but please let me turn in this fundraiser, sure it's a bunch of orders but it's really all my own money but he really wants to do the pig races this year!"

Luckily I know who I am and where I am going - and I do not need GPS to tell me so.  The best part about age is the wisdom that comes with it, so forget all the crappy stuff that comes along and embrace the new and improved you!

What are some of your menopause symptoms?

WTF - What the Friday - Twerking

In case you have lived under a rock the past two weeks, everyone's been twerking everything they own to twerk.  So as a regular Friday installment, WTF or What The Friday wants to explore twerking.

Twerk - a dance club move, where a a person, usually a woman (oh really?) shakes her hips in an up and down motion causing her buttocks to wiggle (or wobble) or jiggle, or roll dependant upon the size of the booty.

There is no evidence of the origination of the word Twerk, some say it comes from the word "footwork" though I am at a loss of where the foot has anything to do with this - I think it is the booty. 

Another origin is the combination of the words "twist" and "jerk."  This makes sense because the word jerk does seem to go with this move.

To me, twerking has been around for a very long time, it just had a different name.  I have always known it as the "hoe dancing" or the "skankbug" or the "bootybop" because usually the ones twerking at any club I've ever been to had another one of the above names attached to them.

I searched the web for twerking and thought I would share some twerkers with you:

On a twerk forum: "Why is twerkin so easy for sum girls?  I wanna kno becus I want to be on the Twerk Team."

Twerk Team?  Do I really want to know?

Oh, and here's an answer (honest to God) "hahahaha i wil give you a good answer :] matter of fact i went to a twerk bash :D so basicall you ben over not al the waya bout half way arch your back hands ony your knee/thighs and move your knees up and down and pop your back or freestyla"

Yes, we can tell that very intelligent people are using the Twerk to further their education because putting on your college application that you were a standing member of the Twerk Team is a real plus.

Which brings me to ask these important questions?

Do you do the dance because it makes you use your Keugel Muscles?  Because if that's the case, then, I've got a lot of twerking to move.

When you shake your buttocks in an up and down motion, it is hard to stay standing?

And if you have a thong on and are twerking, do you apply vaseline to the string so you don't start a fire back there?

Is Twerking good for you?  Besides the exercise part, does it increase your flexibility?

If you are wondering if twerking is right for you, for some it just doesn't work.  Case in point, this video shows that twerking can actually kill you.

Be careful out there my friends.

Oh Barbie, you are a bad girl!

I am a mother of boys, so I don't understand the whole Barbie thing.  Visiting some friends and playing in a little girls room, here's some tell tale signs that Barbie's had a bad night:

The Dream bus is sitting on it's side miscellaneous outfits sitting on the floor.

The batteries in the play toilet are dead from too much flushing.

Prince Charming somehow lost his pants during the evening.

G.I.Joe is duct taped to the bed with Superman duct tape.

The children of Ken and Barbie are piled in a corner without any clothes on.

There's something sticky in Barbie's hair.

Cinderella lost her dress this time around, not a shoe.

Ken is wearing Snow White's dress.

My suggestion to Mattel?  Paint some clothes on the poor girl so when she's stripped, as all girls will do, she still has some decency left!

What would you add if Barbie went on a bender at your home?

Happy Birthday - You Feelin Smarter?

Today's the day I can finally ditch the fake ID, I've been worrying so long about getting caught.  Everyone says a birthday is not about getting older it is about celebrating life.  According to Oprah.com, you do become smarter as you age.  I could have told you that.

Did you know that as you get older your brain's hemispheres sync up.  That older people make better decisions not because they've already learned from all the stupid shit they've done in their lives but because their brains are working on all cylinders than younger people.

Add in a few cocktails and we may be back on the same playing field as the young kids.

As you get older your brain is still growing.  Not only does this make me feel much better about the poor souls in there last night that I killed, but perhaps the "seemed like a good idea at the time" adventure when I was 26 will finally be replaced.

The emotional state in our brains matures and evens out as we get older - giving us a rosier outlook on life.  I was under the impression that the self medication approach I was taking was causing the phenomenon, who would have guessed it?

As we get older our social intelligence expands, due to life experience and maturity.  According to the Journal of Geriontology, older people when presented with interpersonal situations often choose the path of least conflict.  Conflict usually spills the martini - just sayin.

Studies show that as we get older, our perspective on time changes, due to the knowledge that our time on this Earth is growing smaller.  Older people spend more time with friends and family they care about because they've already all the sides to your personality before, and family can't get rid of you.

As we age, are always adding knowledge and abilities.  Yes, that does make us smarter.  Teaching firecracker safety with a lit cigarette in the mouth = not a good idea.  Remember that.  Oh, and the ability to make a killer Orange Crush - add that to your knowledge and abilities.

You gain control of your emotions.  As we age, we move quickly through the, "ain't nobody got time for thatI like to term it, we move into the "we don't give a shit" stage.

Finally, you become an instant expert at many things - as you experience things in life your brain develops schemas, or roadmaps that help you recognize and respond to similar situations.  Honestly, I thought it was the beer that made me an expert.

Thank you Oprah for pointing that there is a benefit to getting older - it makes you smarter!

If that is not working for you here's a few great mental exercises:

1.  Say your children's names in order, yes, their real names not the ones in your mind.

2.  Just for the heck of it, determine your ovulation cycle.

3.  Balance your checkbook, well, never mind that would depress anyone.

4.  Count out your medication for the month, then separate by day.

5.  Count your blessings - it will improve your mind and your spirit.

Link to the full Oprah.com article:  http://www.oprah.com/health/Aging-Brain-Facts-Do-You-Get-Smarter-as-You-Age/2

Life's a Beach - Would you like Tomato with that SANDwich?

I am a mountain girl.  Give me cooler weather, less humidity and specifically NO SAND.  I swear, sand can get everywhere at the beach.  Here's a few facts about sands:

If your baby has chubby rolls on their body, the sand becomes like glue, no amount of bathing will get the sand out of these crevices.

For some reason, babies are the only human beings on this planet that think sand tastes good.

There is always that kid at the beach that thinks it is cool feeding the sea gulls, and that child is directly in front of you----meaning, all the sea gull butts are pointed in your direction as they fight for that Frito.

There is a direct correlation between the amount of wind at the beach and how many kids with flip flops walk by your blanket.

There is another direct correlation between how much you don't feel like getting in the water and kids with sandy feet walking across your blanket.

Always, remember to applaud the lifeguard with everyone else at the beach when you child is saved, better yet make sure you hand your beer to your friend before you get up and run to the water's edge.

If you leave your chair unprotected, even for a few seconds, someone with a sopping wet bathing suit will plop their butt into your chair and soak it.

Remember that kid in front of you feeding the sea gulls?  That's the same kid that picks up his sand filled towel and times his shaking it with the huge gust of wind.

It is usually your child that throws off the pound of sand from their towel directly into the face of the person downwind from you - it is your job to act as if nothing happened.

Having wind at the beach helped us come up with some new terms for sand:

Sandbar - the swimming sand in the bottom of your cooler, that gets into your beer.

Cheese Sandoodling - the sound of that crunch of the cheese doodle covered with sand.

Sandoo - this is a new type of hair sculpting done usually at the beach with wind and sand.

SANDwich - down South - a tomato, mayonnaise, white bread with a healthy dose of wind sand.

Sand Castle - that family that has to hit the beach at 436am to build their compound complete with the 200 dollar tent that no one is sitting under.

Sandfoliate - the act of exfoliating your skin while applying suntan lotion at the beach.

Sandpaper - no not the cheap roll someone bought at the dollar store, but the pages of your book once a big gust of wind blows through.

Most fun a Mom can have at the beach - when she is ALONE!

Happy Summer Days.

A Real Man - Pre Father's Day Fun

Sure I can stare at Brad Pitt all way, or send pictures of Fast and Furious to my friends.  But how do you define a real man?

Bounce a brick off his abs?  Smoldering eyes that skewer you with just a stare?  Steel arms that wrap around you?  Here's That Grey Area's Verison of a "Real Man."

Pre - K

Standing there with baby throw up down the front of his shirt and laughing about it.

Changing a diaper and forgetting to cover the money shot and paying for it.

Laying on the couch with a child asleep on his chest and not asking for a thing.

Getting quietly out of bed on a Sunday morning and taking the little ones for a "doughnut run."


Holding a small child who just learned how to use the potty all by himself and wiping his behind.

Holding that same child while he is sleeping and simply shrugging when he's peed on saying, "Well, at least it is family pee."

Putting together ANYTHING - lego ship, bicycle, grill with two willing "helpers" and actually getting the job done.


Explaining that all this "healthy food" Mommy made is "good for us" so let's go ahead and clean our plates (without even a look of disgust)

Allowing all of his T-shirts to turn into a nice light pink because "someone" was in a hurry and forgot about the red kids shorts thrown in the wash.

Standing and watching the nice temper tantrum roll around on the floor without looking at Mom and saying, "What is his problem?"

Stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night and not waking the whole house with a scream.





Not slapping the child when you ask him to do laundry and he says, "I didn't put detergent in because I didn't know where it was supposed to go."

Not killing the child because everything of his that the child touches for some reason becomes broken.

Not getting mad when every single remote in the home disappears and then reappears with dead batteries.

Baiting a hook, because this semi-vegetarian can't even kill a worm!

Remaining calm when everything disappears from his toolbox to strangely end up at the Rock Fort.

Spending every Father's Day cooking his own meal on the grill, because no one does it better than Dad.

Running behind that bike for two Sunday mornings (separate years) and yelling, "You have to pedal for it work.  Pedal!"

Taking one child  out to breakfast and "the talk" and telling you that the main point is "respect."

Taking one look at your Boudoir shots from 1929 and saying, "you still look great!"

Sitting through games of Poker and not thinking twice that teaching the kids poker is a "bad thing."

Sitting watching my family argue over end of life decisions with a parent and keeping his mouth shut.

Singing "Dixie Chicken" by Little Feat to me.

And finally saying, "That's nice."  When I said, "I love you," for the first time - always keep them guessing.

Too much Criminal Minds Makes You Freaky!

One of my favorite shows is Criminal Minds, so much so that I've recorded most of it and watch it when there is nothing else on TV.  I never realized how much too much Criminal Minds can change the way you look at things.

Riding my bike today I passed this family farm.  There was a shed with the door open and the sounds of a motor coming through the open door.  Pre Criminal Minds, I'd just keep riding past.  Post Criminal Minds I wonder if he is dismembering a body in there and listen intently for the scream of the victim to confirm my suspicion.

Questioning motives.  My boys wanted to go on a hike.  They packed snacks, duct tape and a hammer. I must say I walked behind them the entire way.

Does your mind wander when you chop up a pomegranate and look at the blood, I mean juice on the knife?

I hate glass doors now.  Sitting home by myself writing, I get the creeps anytime I open/close or walk past a glass door.  Too many episodes of the killer standing out there in the door looking through the glass.  This is especially worse on closing a glass door as you always half see someone staring at you in the reflection.

How can you ever look at duct tape the same?  Even if it is Hello Kitty Duct Tape.

I've removed the medicine cabinets.  We all know that once you close a medicine cabinet, especially one with a mirror you are basically screwed, or skewered or chopped or drugged.  Get rid of them now.

I cannot look outside any window in my home when it is dark outside.

This morning on my way to school I passed a refrigerated truck that was showing its age.  I sped up to look into the windows making sure there wasn't meat packing equipment hanging from the ceiling.  I then sped again to look at the driver because most of them look really scary on TV.  If there was a combination of both, I was making a citizens arrest.

The good news is that watching this show has made me rethink about getting into prostitution, apparently these girls are GONERS!



How fast can you walk?  When it is dark, and you realized you parked your car in the far corner of the parking lot for the exercise?

Tonight since I am by myself, and I must protect my kids like the Momma Bear that I am, I am sleeping with the Butcher Knife under my pillow and the phone on the nightstand.

Wait a minute.  What if he texts me that he's coming to get me, what do I do then?

How has Criminal Minds changed the way you look at things?