Things I Miss As A Kid

My mother in law had a great quote - "Growing old is not for sissies."

I couldn't agree more, there are few things I really miss as a kid:

Buying clothes because you like what they look like, not whether or not they fit over your belly.

Running Everywhere - because you wanted to, not because you wanted to work your ass off.

  
Sleeping in on the weekends, not hearing, "Mom."  "Mom."  "Are you awake?"

Bath Tub Toys - I want something that vibrates underwater.  Not just candles around the tub.

SANTA!! - you all know that Christmas when you become that age when "underwear" is considered an acceptable gift.

Walking around the house naked - oh wait, I do that now.

Ice Cream - because my butt and my belly says it is not a good idea.

Pouting - now when I pout, my family just says, "Look, Mom's doing the duck face."

Birthday Cake - when you could bury your face in the icing and not care.  Now you complain that the Birthday Cake shot is going straight to your hips.

Little siblings you could beat up when they became annoying.  You cannot do that with your own children, who are annoying all. the. time.

Recess - wouldn't it be fun if our bosses came in and said, "That's it everyone, you need to go play outside."

Throwing a Temper Tantrum when I Don't Get My Way - now everyone in the house looks at me like, "well there she goes again," and walks away.
Playing Outside - you could spend all day outside doing nothing.  Now whenever you walk outside your yard says, "Well, are you going to do something here?"

Going on Vacation - mostly because someone else did all the packing.  Now we are the pack mule.

Chasing the Ice Cream Truck - oh the joy.  I wish they'd make a Wine Truck so all of us older women could experience that joy today.

Halloween Costumes - when I had someone ask me what my costume was and I wasn't wearing on, well, that kind of ruined it for me.

1.  My body, back when I actually pondered entering that wet T-shirt contest.  Actually thought about it.

Happy Birthday - You Feelin Smarter?

Today's the day I can finally ditch the fake ID, I've been worrying so long about getting caught.  Everyone says a birthday is not about getting older it is about celebrating life.  According to Oprah.com, you do become smarter as you age.  I could have told you that.

Did you know that as you get older your brain's hemispheres sync up.  That older people make better decisions not because they've already learned from all the stupid shit they've done in their lives but because their brains are working on all cylinders than younger people.

Add in a few cocktails and we may be back on the same playing field as the young kids.

As you get older your brain is still growing.  Not only does this make me feel much better about the poor souls in there last night that I killed, but perhaps the "seemed like a good idea at the time" adventure when I was 26 will finally be replaced.

The emotional state in our brains matures and evens out as we get older - giving us a rosier outlook on life.  I was under the impression that the self medication approach I was taking was causing the phenomenon, who would have guessed it?

As we get older our social intelligence expands, due to life experience and maturity.  According to the Journal of Geriontology, older people when presented with interpersonal situations often choose the path of least conflict.  Conflict usually spills the martini - just sayin.

Studies show that as we get older, our perspective on time changes, due to the knowledge that our time on this Earth is growing smaller.  Older people spend more time with friends and family they care about because they've already all the sides to your personality before, and family can't get rid of you.

As we age, are always adding knowledge and abilities.  Yes, that does make us smarter.  Teaching firecracker safety with a lit cigarette in the mouth = not a good idea.  Remember that.  Oh, and the ability to make a killer Orange Crush - add that to your knowledge and abilities.

You gain control of your emotions.  As we age, we move quickly through the, "ain't nobody got time for thatI like to term it, we move into the "we don't give a shit" stage.

Finally, you become an instant expert at many things - as you experience things in life your brain develops schemas, or roadmaps that help you recognize and respond to similar situations.  Honestly, I thought it was the beer that made me an expert.

Thank you Oprah for pointing that there is a benefit to getting older - it makes you smarter!

If that is not working for you here's a few great mental exercises:

1.  Say your children's names in order, yes, their real names not the ones in your mind.

2.  Just for the heck of it, determine your ovulation cycle.

3.  Balance your checkbook, well, never mind that would depress anyone.

4.  Count out your medication for the month, then separate by day.

5.  Count your blessings - it will improve your mind and your spirit.

Link to the full Oprah.com article:  http://www.oprah.com/health/Aging-Brain-Facts-Do-You-Get-Smarter-as-You-Age/2

Happy Birthday - I feel old...

My son turns 12 today, twelve, yep, that means that he's been on this Earth for twelve years.  How do I know that?

1.  He's shot up in height, I've sunk down.

2.  He has a six pack, I've got a litre bottle sitting there.

3.  All of his teeth have not fallen out, I'm glad I still have all of mine.

4.  His hair grows faster than I can cut it, mine falls out faster than I can color it.

5.  His birthday breakfast is bacon and eggs with a side of doughnuts, mine is one, yes, one single blueberry for its antioxidants.

6.  He can down an entire box of cereal in one sitting, I can add 1 pound of flab to my thighs by looking at said box of cereal.

7.  He can sleep through a nuclear fall out, I lie awake wondering if that really is a spider crawling across the floor.

8.  He grows out of his shorts in just a few months, I grow out of my spandex in just a few meals.

9.  Everything in his body is just getting started, mine is in the overheated stage.

10.  He's excited about getting a year older, I've quit aging at 21 plus change.

Birthday Ideas for the AARP Generation

Each year the same date rolls around and my body says, "Oh it's the birthday, who's turn is it to sag this year?"  This year the boobs perked up then feel faster than my youngest down the waterslide.  So how do you celebrate a birthday?

10.  Buy the Wonderbra, it really does work.
9.  Turn your phone on vibrate and put it in your pocket since every facebook notification comes through the phone as a buzz - get it?
8.  This is the one day you really can have champagne for breakfast and not feel guilty.
7.  Photoshop those pictures of you from the day before and repost to Facebook.
6.  Teach your kids to say, "Mommy's 21 plus change," not, "My Mommy's really old."
5.  Champagne didn't improve your mood, you can always add glasses - wine glasses that is.
4.  Look at the pictures of yourself without your granny readers, you'll look fabulous.
3.  Search and find friends pictures  that are older than you.
2.  Find those celebrities without makeup photos
1.  Tell everyone you're 64, they'll look at you shocked saying, "Dang!  You look good!"

Better yet, accept the hugs and kisses from everyone special to you and realize that you are blessed!  So happy birthday to me!

Things I love now that I'm older:

Sunglass Readers - Yay!

Google - we can finally forget things because we'll just look it up later.

That my husband has bad eyesight.

Naps

That my mind still thinks I'm in my 30's.

That was Then This is Now

Looking for my reading glasses again made me come up with some ways my life has changed since finally hitting that OVER 21 MARK!  You can always add your own to this growing list:

I used to walk into a room and forget why I went there, now I surf to a website and wonder why I went there.

We used to have girls night out where we talked about guys, now it’s girls night out and all we talk about is our different medications.

Used to be sunglasses found on top of the head, now it’s always reading glasses.

Sports bras were a necessity to hold everything in, now they’re a necessity to hold everything UP!

Children should be seen but not heard, now if I don't hear my children, I’m not worried.


Used to make wonderful creations in the kitchen, now it's searching for my reading glasses to see the back of the package for directions.

Don’t make me have to come over there, now it’s don’t make me have to get out of my chair.  (yes, I am getting slower)


My children used to scream for me from another room, now they TEXT me from another room.  (still doesn't work)

It used to be “honey, I have a headache,” now it’s “honey, it’s past my bedtime.”


Used to be........ as the drug of choice, now it's coffee, the only thing safe enough for my system AND will keep me awake.

People used to live vicariously through me, now I live vicariously through reality TV Shows.

I used to make my children nap, now I explain to peopled, “Thomas Jefferson took a nap every day,” as I fall asleep in my chair.