WTF - Why I can't LIKE you any more

With all the changes to Facebook recently, I've realized that it is in bad taste to like anyone anymore.

My biggest reason I am boycotting liking everything is offending my friends. With the new reaction buttons on the New Facebook, it has made liking anything HARD!

Before it was difficult to LIKE it when someone dies, but now the SAD option seems more appropriate, don't you think?

What post is worthy of a LOVE? When do you fall out of LIKE and move into LOVE?

Can you LOVE and LIKE a post at the same time?

Can you LOVE a post because it made you go WOW?

Once I use LOVE, how can I go back to LIKE? There is no going back on LOVE, maybe a side journey over to WOW?

Of course, I accidentally WOWed a post from a elementary school classmate I've been stalking for the past year, how embarrassing.

If I react with HA HA would I offend the person posting. What if I am the only one thinking it was funny? Then everyone reacts to my HAHA with a ANGRY?

A friend just recently lost a bunch of weight and on her pictures I was stuck, I could LOVE this, or I could say WOW but it definitely didn't warrant a HA HA. Would she rather I WOW or LOVE or just move back to LIKE? What would make her happy?

Then you have the SAD and ANGRY buttons, I think this gives too much fodder to those Debbie Downers out there. We all have that one person who will react to everything as SAD, because she's well, just SAD.

So like everyone else, I'm posting on Facebook and wondering why I get so many LIKES but never any LOVE? I'm not feeling the LOVE over here in my corner of the universe.

My last post didn't even get a LOVE? I mean people, it was pretty freaking hilarious, can you at least HAHA or WOW and if you feel really connected to me, give me a LOVE?

I'm going to post that with a -feeling Emotional face and see if I can garner any LOVE maybe a WOW or if I get really desperate

a LIKE.

A Woman Marries Herself?

You can't make this stuff up!  A woman, growing frustrated at being single for 6 years decided to marry herself.

No, really, click HERE

So she can effectively tell people she is "married."

My first question with this is:

If she was frustrated with being single, does changing her status to "married" make it any easier to find a mate?  I'd think most people seeing "married' figured run do not walk to the nearest exit.

She proposed to herself on a park bench.  Was it a surprise?  Did she have to think about it?

How did shopping for the ring go?
"How do you like this one?"
"I would like a larger stone, surrounded by two smaller stones."
"OK, only for you my love, whatever you wish.
----Kay Jewelers employee shaking her head.

Did she hire a wedding planner?  When she booked the venue, how did she present the idea?

"Myself and I are excited to get married at this beautiful venue.  We decided after looking at several places, and a long discussion that this place is perfect!

She said her vows in front of 50 friends.  Did she include the "obey" part of the vows?  Or did she write two separate personal vows, one for herself and one for her other self?

Then I think about her 50 friends, receiving an invitation:
You are cordially invited to the marriage of
Kelly Melang to Kelly Melang
Ceremony at the Mirror of St, Anne's Church
Reception in the buffet room of St. Anne's Mental Ward.
Registered at Target and Target

Then of course, she kissed herself in a mirror, to cement the joyous union!  I remember doing this as a teenager, but I was practicing for the first time I was kissed.  Was this the first time she was kissed?

Oh and let's not forget the wedding night.  She lays by herself in the wedding bed thinking,

"That was it?"

Years go by.  Years of looking at the wedding album, buying herself the paper for her 10th year, saying to herself, "How many more years until the diamond?"

Then after her silver wedding anniversary, she has a mid life crisis and decides to separate herself?

Who will take the house?  The Wedding Silver?  The Miata Convertible? The children?

And how can you have "Irreconcilable Differences" with yourself?

How does that court room appearance go?  Who's the ex?

Then someone comes along and proposes, she'll explain, "Oh, I was only married once before.  But we don't have to worry about my ex.  I know her really well."

WTF - The Love Edition

Today is my 27th year anniversary.  How do we do it?

He thinks walking into the bathroom and I'm naked on my knees cleaning the soap scum out of the show is sexy.  Yes, because I am multitasking, get it clean then jump and get clean.

He has a stomach of steel.  Yes, I have tried to kill him several times and he lived.

He reads my writing.  Yes, he is one of the people who actually read it.


He went ahead with the insurance policy with out questioning a thing, even when I sent him out in -14 degree weather to shovel the snow.

He still believes me when I say that I don't sweat, I glow!

Books.  Yes, he still lets me buy books.

Anyone that can watch you give birth and still chase you around the couch - definitely worth keeping!

Anyone that can watch you give birth once and still come back and watch again ^^^ yep!

He gets my jokes.  And if he doesn't he acts like he does.  (*smart man*)

He doesn't mind the smell of BenGay!

Whenever I come up with one of my great ideas, he never looks at me like, "Are you F*cking crazy?"

We have a rule of thumb to only yell at each other if the house is on fire.

We never said obey in the vows, we changed that to annoy.

Finally, he knew he was getting a trophy wife and I knew I was getting amazing.........

WTF - Things I'd Like To Hear

Most of my days are full of listening to things I don't want to hear, the elephant thuds of boys footsteps through the house, the washing machine giving up the ghost, the bright ideas of boys to the husband wanting to explain the basics of organizing the Kitchen pantry.  Just for once, here's a few things I'd LOVE to hear:

"Did you read the news story, they've developed a pill that kills all the fat in wine.  It's called WineNo"

"Oh wait Mom, why don't you relax while my brother and I read you some poetry."

My RunKeeper App, "Oh wait I was wrong, I thought you were on mile 12 but you are actually at mile 13.1."

"I just read your blog.  Yes, I actually read it.  You know, a lot of people read your blog."

"Did you read there is a low cost permanent solution to billy goat hairs on the chinney chin chin?"


"Don't worry Mom, I'm sure I'll find someone to carpool with to all the football practices, you should't waste all that gas."

"Dinner?  Don't worry about it, we're not hungry."

"Hey look, it is actually 5 o'clock."

"Mrs. Melang, did you notice the wine was on sale?

"Mom, I heard everything you said, I'm going to go do it right now."

"We're going on a long drive?  Let me go to the bathroom first."

"Here Mom, here's your charger, I don't need it anymore."

"Did the dog take a crap on the floor?  Let me go ahead and clean that up."

"I'm tired of playing games on my phone all the time, I think I will read a book."

"That dress you wore in high school?  It fits you perfectly now."

And the best one?

"My brother and I have decided to get along.  Why cause so trouble?

What would you like to hear if you had the perfect day?

WTF - Vibra-Finger

One of my fine readers sent me this fine vintage advertisement, I thought I would share with you.  Here's a few interesting things:

Yes, I am sure the total caught your eye too.  Hmmm, a Vibra-Finger?  

I won't tell you where my imagination went (straight into the gutter.)

I see merit in this, yes everyone needs daily stimulation.

It stimulates tissue.

Increases and improves your circulation (and quite possibly, your mood.)

Oh yes, it is sanitary.  I fits in your HAND.

Then I wonder.

In which direction does the finger move?

Do you have to plug it in, or does it take 4 double A batteries.

If it takes batteries how long do they last, especially with daily use?

If it has the disclaimer that it is for personal use, why do they suggest you share one with a friend?

I can hear my phone call utilizing the "money back guarantee."

"I thought this was a massager.  And I tried my daily massage, but even with the high setting and the finger smoking, I did not feel refreshed and rejuvenated like the ad says."

I guess, I'll have to purchase the Vibra-Finger.

Heck, I'll purchase two and receive the dollar discount.

A girl can never have enough Vibra-Fingers.

Have you ordered yours?

WTF - My Dream Job

No, I am not looking for a job, but sometimes when things show up in your path like this one, you can't help but share.

So how is this all kinds of wrong?  Where do I begin.

Adult Party Specialist/Customer Service - OK, what type of customer service are we talking about?  And a party specialist, there are some that say I am very good at partying, does that make me a specialist?

"Looking for people just like you to join our network of Independent Romance Advisors."  What does that mean?  I am not the most romantic person, why me?  And how can you be independent and romantic at the same time?  Doesn't it take two to tango?

"Our program is designed for you.  Spend time you need taking care of your family."  Well that doesn't sound very romantic now does it.  Or my skill at being romantic mentioned in the beginning got me into this family thing in the first place.

"Earn full time pay while you manage your own business and work part-time hours."  OK, this sounds too good to be true until I am a Romantic Advisor on the streets, then I totally understand the part time hours.

"If you are willing to make money and party for a living then its time to become an Independent Romance Advisor."  Make money and party for a living?  Why YES, I'd love to!  I guess I need to read the fine print like "this job is not for those with heart problems, short legs or hairy chests.  Must be willing to work fast and efficiently.  Does not include hotel costs or glitter underwear."

I'm applying, better get in line behind me."

WTF - Gym Style

The nice weather is here, I'm outside as much as possible and for very good reason.  There are reasons why I do not like going to the gym, and there are reasons I do like going to the gym.  We'll start with the bad news.


Reason Number One:  Those white spandex tights you think are not see through, well they are.  And the Juicy on the back of your underwear was the reason I spit water all over the treadmill.

Reason Number Two:  I don't need to see you without a shirt.  Believe me, there are a few I wouldn't mind, but please put your shirt back on.

Reason Number Three:  There is nothing worse than a strange smell on a yoga mat.  I have now purchased my own after running screaming for the shower after one particular class.

Reason Number Four:  If I wanted porn, I'd watch it at home.  Listening to you moan like a bad movie when lifting weight is not doing it.

Reason Number Five:  Those ladies walking around the locker room like they own it naked.  Especially when they come up to me while I'm naked saying, "I like your bra, where did you buy it?" Personal space people!

Reason Number Six:  An extra bubble in the hot tub.  Where the hell did that come from?

Finally, sometimes going to the gym can make you dumb.  Maybe it's something in the air, or something in the weights.

I went to the gym, with bad weather figured I'd take a run on the treadmill.  Set my RunKeeper, started the treadmill, and got in a nice 6 mile run.  Feeling refreshed, I looked down at my App.

What the hell?  It says I didn't do anything!  I just ran 6 miles.

What is wrong with this thing?  I think as I shake it.  Maybe I need to update it again.

I pause.

Oh.

I was running on a treadmill.  I really did go nowhere.

What are your favorite things about the gym!

WTF - How do you define success?

Everyone has their own definition of success, I thought I would throw a few things out there that put a zippidy do day to my day.

10.  When the pants you put away last summer actually fit, and I mean you are not laying on the floor trying desperately to close the zipper.

9.  When the dog has not decided to get up in the middle of the night and take a shit right next to your bed.  (Think she is trying to tell me something)

8.  When my gas low light dings AFTER I have dropped both children off to school.  Can't be stuck in the car with them saying, "Well, why didn't you get gas before?"

7.  Everyone after a long 7 hour drive in the car emerging alive.  (That takes a lot of restraint)

6.  When you bite into the lemon filled Krispy Kreme doughnut and it doesn't explode down the front of your shirt making it look like you puked yourself.  (I was not successful this morning)

5.  When a friend stops by for a glass of wine and you haven't already poured one for yourself.  At 2pm in the afternoon, on a weekday.

4.  Finding that really cute shirt you bought on the sale at the end of last summer.  Actually, forgetting about the sale and shirt and everything then that Christmas feeling of finding something new with the tags still on.

3.  Finding money in the pockets of everyone else in the family's pants.  Especially after it has been freshly laundered.

2.  Opening the Chateau de Box of wine and finding you still have another glass left.

1.  Someone actually repeating back to you a job you want them to do, especially younger aged children and men married over 10 years.

What do you call a success story?

WTF - Hair in a Can?

Ronco, (memba the Santa riding the electric razor every Christmas) now has the GLH system.

The Great Looking Hair System.  Another name for Hair in a Can.

Or spray paint hair.

They call it "hair thickener" but from the pictures, it's just a spray "fro" for your do.

Makes me wonder:


This product would be perfect if you were trying to get rid of a boyfriend.  Spray under your arms, down your legs and in your Hoochie Coochie, look at him with "What?"  Watch him run for the hills.

What if I wanted to be the bearded lady?  Would this product work with that?

And if comes out with any shampoo, ahem, that means with water - so what happens if it rains?  "Earle your sideburns are running down yo neck."

Won't harm the growth of your hair?  Hello?  I thought we were using this because there was nothing there?

What does the "Finishing Shield" do to perfect your look?  Create a "Cone of Silence" on your head? Or make your hair look like lacquer?

"Ideal for fancy dressing."  Can you picture it?  "Shirley, can you spray me a Mowhawk for the Duck Dynasty party?  No honey, I don't want chest hair today, just a little more head hair.  No honey, not that type of head hair."

And their biggest claim to fame - It makes you look younger.

"Did you see Darryl over there with the full 'fro' on his head?  He looks like 1970's Soul Train!"

So if you want to feel more viral, if you want to be younger, or you just want to scare the hell out of everyone - the "hair in a can," the "spray paint hair," the "pubic hair for your head."

Pardon me, I'm going to go chase the dog down and try this thing out.

WTF - Get Real!

What the Friday wonders why products can't be honest with us:

Why didn't the sanitary napkin say, "Sticky side down?"  I mean, really, BE SPECIFIC!!

Why can't my treadmill count in glasses of wine, what I can fill up with the night after my workout.
"6 glasses of wine" or 900 calories - which one makes more sense.

Rather than the calorie count on the Krispy Kreme doughnut box, it should show number of doughnuts based on shrinkage of pant size.  6 doughnuts = sausage casings.

100 Calorie packs - they should just say, "Why did you even buy us?"  when you eat the entire box, one 100 calorie pack at a time.

Alcohol Warning - sure it says "could cause dizziness, loss of memory, hot flashes," why did it not say, "Could cause possible pregnancy."  Had I known.

Why wasn't there a warning on Facebook, "Could become addictive, causing you to stalk your ex lovers, fight with political opponents, and realize you are not the perfect Mom."

And on the marriage certificate - "May cause memory lapses, mood swings, periods of confusion and pregnancy."


Skiing down a ski slope, there's a very large pine tree in the middle, with a CAUTION sign attached to it.  Really?  I guess some poor dude thought he could ski through a tree!

Real warning on Spandex pants - "Will not make your but look small, but can possibly smooth out the cottage cheese."

On the bra - "Do not use as a sling shot after a long day."

And finally on Children:

"Could cause periods of hallucinations, repressed anger, hot flashes, AND memory loss."

But who heeds warnings anyway?

WTF - What are you worried about?

I just read a quote that said, "When you don't know what to write about, write about what worries you."

Here goes:

I am very worried about my butt.  In most cultures, it would be considered a nice booty.  I am insecure that I cannot afford it getting any bigger because it would cost me too much in ski clothes.

I am worried about the Zombie Apocalypse - it is starting with our children.  Have you seen their eyes when they are on a video game?  I guess I wouldn't be so worried if I had Darryl with me, then that's be OK.

I am worried that Facebook will finally make that "See who's stalking you" app.  Because if they do, then Johnny Depp and a few other people are going to find out about me.

I am worried they will cancel Criminal Minds.  Then what other "eye candy" yet intellectual show could I watch.

I am worried that my children will find my secret stash of candy.  My butt hopes they will, and that they will eat all of it, but my mind worries they will.

I am worried my friends will figure out who I am.

I am worried my skeletons will escape my closet.  The parachute pants, the boudoir photos, and one and only perm picture, oh and the black leather mini skirt I still can't get myself to pitch.

I am worried that I will never be carded again.  Especially when McDonalds asked if I was ordering a "senior" coffee.

I am worried that I may never sleep through the night ever again.  I've heard it happens possibly when the kids are out of the house but worried it may not happen for me.

I am worried that this is all there is.  I mean out of the box of wine.  What were you thinking?

What worries you?

WTF - Mathematics of Life

Here's a few math problems for your What The Friday email:

Johnny as 10 minutes to get out the door to a job interview.  Via forgot to print off his resume.  Johnny is yelling at Via to print off his resume he has to go.

Determine the percentages of each item to equal 100%
a.  The Printer is out of ink.
b.  The Printer is not connected to the network.
c.  Three consecutive paper jams
d.  Johnny and Via divorce.

Maya has one Chateau de Box of Red Wine.  She reads a recipe that calls for red wine as part of the preparation.  There is enough left in Maya's box of wine to perform the recipe.  If Maya does not have another box of wine, how far can she reduce the wine in the recipe to save some for herself?

Hulio and Raolo meet at their 20th High School Reunion.  Hulio is still single and hitting the bar scene.  Raolo is married with 3 children under the age of ten.  Determine the percentage that Hulio and Raolo have anything in common to talk about.

Consuela has 5 bottles of wine.  She drinks 30% of the bottles in hand.  What does Consuela have?

There are 53 candy bars after halloween, if 8 children dive for the leftover candy, how many pieces does each child get?

Bernard has read that used wine can be frozen in ice cubes.  He has found Mia's leftover wine, 1/4 bottle.  How many ice cubes can he make before Mia kicks his butt for using her wine?

Probability - Determine the probability of Vera getting a cold shower if the temperature is 16 degrees, there are 4 people showering ahead of her and 1 dog has rolled in shit.

You are welcome for That Grey Area helping you stretch your brain muscles with REAL WORLD math problems.  What problems would you add?

WTF - Spotted Dick?

Best way to go on a diet is to change the way you eat.

I was a at dinner party where the talk went around English food.  We had a wonderful Yorkshire Pudding for the first time, delicious with it's onion sauce and gravy.

Then they asked if I've ever had Spotted Dick.

Conversation stopped.

I tried to remember that time when Jeff caught that strange flu in Mexico when we were on a cruise.  He had a temperature and spots all over his body.  Oh wait, he was sick if I remember, was not in the mood.

"No, I've never had spotted dick," I replied looking around the room, "Have you?"

His wife perked up, "Why I love spotted dick especially when it is covered in custard."

I close my mouth, first in sympathy for her, then second what if I catch something from her?

"I like the one that comes in a can," her husband adds.

"Comes in a can," I squeak out.

"Yes, it's especially spongy with a few surprises in there," he says.

"Yes, and the more custard the better, especially if it is room temperature," his wife adds.

"It's easy to make a Spotted Dick," He says.

"First you have to grease everything up.

Then you whip it hard

Add in some flavorings

And let things heat up.

Just as it is about to go, dial it down a notch to keep things simmering.

Finally, when it done, take the custard whip it until smooth and pour it over it."

His wife sighs, "I like my Spotted Dick in a can.  That way I can microwave it."

Just as I am about to say that I'm on a diet and cannot eat anymore, they say:

"But we have Blackberry Cobbler, would you like some?"

PS.  I went ahead and googled Spotted Dick on Amazon and not only is it available for purchase, but those that purchased Spotted Dick also purchased:

Grace Cock Flavored Soup
Super Dickmans that go well with Spotted Dick.
And of course, my favorite

Megapussi

Hungry yet?

WTF Fast Food Style

During our Christmas shopping, we've had to bite the bullet and come to fast food every once in a while.  And as usual, there were a few WTF moments in those drive through lines.

"I would like a cheeseburger.  Plain, nothing on it."
We got two buns.

Standing in a McDonalds we heard a customer say,
"I would like a cheese burger but can you hold the cheese?"

McDonalds is advertising an Xbox One.  My son says as we pull into the drive thru,
"Can you order us an Xbox One?"

The size of the fries in the childrens happy meal - WTF?

"The Suicide" when you take your drink and mix all the different soft drinks together.  Oh yes, and take one from the man by not putting ICE in it.

My coffee has a caution on the cup, "This coffee is HOT."  It'd better me.

Having to go around the drive thru again, to explain to the person that we got ANOTHER Shrek in our Happy Meal and we were really looking for Fiona!

And finally, getting caught walking out of McDonalds with your McFlurry by your personal trainer.

WTF?

WTF - Duluth Firehose Work Pants?

Obviously a man wrote this ad because:

They are called FIREHOSE pants - but they are not for firemen - what hose?

And they are strong enough to hold off an angry beaver - anyone else see something in this?

Keep YOUR firehose protected from the Beaver by buying these!!

WTF - Holiday Gift Giving Edition

As we all know and several are breathing in a bag over - Christmas is less that two weeks away!  I thought I would share some great WTF gifts for your shopping pleasure!

Let's start with the decorations:  These are perfect.

The inflatable Christmas Wreath - perfect for the family expecting Granpa visiting and his hemmroidal problems.  This is a multi use decoration - wreath by day hemmroid pillow by night!

Who in the family doesn't like bacon?  How about bacon stockings!  That way they are still happy if they get coal, then can just cook the stockings using it!

Finally in preparation for the season, the perfect traveling pillow for that long plane ride.  The Farting Elf Neck Pillow!  It is the perfect way to ensure the seat next to you on that bus or train or plane will remain OPEN!

Now to Christmas Day:

For the outdoorsman in your life - think about the Noggin Net!  It's a hat, it's a fishing net.  Luckily the instructions that come with it include the warning to not use it as a hat when there is a fish or shark in the net.  

Think about it, 

"Earle, I got ONE!"

"Dang, I forgot the net!"

"Don't worry use my NOGGIN NET!"

"WTF?"

"Got it!"

Sounds of Earle and Darryl killing the fish.

"Gimme my hat back, my head is burning."

2 hours later

"Something smells fishy?"

You could always buy them the Birthing Doll see click here

Or if you're like me, you could always buy your husband this!

Picture this:

"Merry Christmas honey!"

He looks at it, "Advice, Meditations for men who have too much?"

"Just like you sweetie!"

"Is this a USED copy?"

He drops the book and runs to wash his hands.

Which may necessitate this gift for yourself - because you should always buy at least ONE thing for yourself!

 Happy Holidays from That Grey Area - may you enjoy all the sights, smells and chaos from a nice xanax induced fog.

What would you add to the list?

WTF - Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign....

Call my car the Mommobile, the Kidcar, the TestosteroneTaxi, I spend a lot of time roaming around Winston Salem and have come across my share of signs that usually have me shaking my head saying, "WTF?"

There's a strip bar off of 52 by our house.  OK, I'd better clarify that it is FAR away from our house.  But I just passed it and the sign said, "Now hiring smiling faces."

Wait a minute - do you guys REALLY look to see if they are smiling?  Or is that some kind of code?

Picture Earl and Stanley sitting while Shirley is showing her experience:

"Earl, is she smiling?  Earl?"
"What?"
"Smiling, we're hiring smiling face, EARL!"
"What?"

Then, on the way to my son's elementary school, there's a BAR---OK the bar is FAR away from the elementary school, but close to the church (we are in North Carolina) and the name, get this

is Benders.

There's no guessing what people are doing at that bar.  It's call Benders with a sign that says, "We accept brown bags."

So I'm thinking of the conversation:

"Sheila, I've had one helluva week at work, let's go out for a drink."

"How about the Winston Salem Social Club, Angela?"

"Oh no, tonight is a night for Benders."



Another sign that had me wondering was a local garage:

"Free brake check."

It makes me think, if they are coming in for a brake check, then everyone better jump out of the way because the car will keep going and take the back of the garage out.

A few favorites along the way:
Did you know Taco Bell was hiring all shits?
And an art gallery said, "Don't touch yourself, let us do it for you."
My son's favorite, "McDonald's juicy black anus burger."

Finally, my Favorite sign is in a little town.  There's a deli and a store called B.J's Fine Apparel.  Yes, you can all laugh about the B.J's fine apparel but someone typed up a sign and left it in front of the deli.

"This parking is for the deli only.  Parking for B.J's is behind their building."

After I stopped peeing myself laughing, I simply shook my head and said, "What the Friday?"

WTF - Birth Doll?

OK, I am very excited about a new addition to the Melang EXTENDED family - Hendrix Westmoreland.  And I am really glad that many parents are enlightened.  As a writer for Forsyth Family Magazine, I get emails for products to test for our readers - families.

Enter the Birth Doll - a doll that shows the process of birth so children can understand at an early age.  The doll advertised allows Momma to explain to little Henry how he was born naturally, while his sister was born by C-Section.

 Where do I begin?  First of all both of the dolls have mothers that look like they are on drugs - and believe me after my two experiences with child birth - drugs are a good thing!

Then I think about my young child playing with these dolls:

Your child starts playing with the doll by pulling the baby out of the Momma and the cord is stuck - well of course they continue to pull it?  Would I say, "Yes, that's the way I remember it?"  Or would I coach the inner doctor in them, "you must coach the baby out gently."

And what if they start shoving the baby back up the Momma?  Would I say, "No honey, once you were ready to be born, I was more for pulling the baby out that shoving back in.  And a lot of you, once you start working for a living would probably wish you could get shoved back in?"  or do I say what I am really thinking, "Out or in - make a decision."

Of course, my son pulls the baby out and tosses him to the side.  This makes me think of his little brother.

What they did not get in the dolls correct - is this:
the pained look on their face.
The boobs the size of NFL footballs
The baby should be the side of a NFL football because this is what it feels you are passing.
the husband standing there saying, "Push!"  Until the wife yells, "SHUT UP!"
and the biggest problem?

Everyone is quiet.  No one is quiet in the birthing room.

So no, I think came up with a better way to educate my children about the birthing process -

Take them to the local farm, where in one day:
We explained why the one horse "really likes" the other horse.
They watched a hen vent an egg with horror.
The cute baby lamb with the umbilical cord hanging from it
To the back of the sheep that gave birth.

Believe me, I think this was the best birth control lesson ever taught.

I'm taking them back when they turn 13.

Have you seen this doll?

WTF - Warning Labels

There are signs everywhere in life, things that make you stop and think - Hmmm, other's, like this recurring headache I've had for the past two weeks a subtle hint by my body to start eating clean again, and that yes, dark chocolate is good for your body, just not a whole bar of it in one sitting.



A few signs make me wonder who was the first.

The Preparation H cream - with the big warning that it is not for oral use.

Picture it:

Shirley:  "That botox shot they gave me in my lips, well it was a little bit too much.  I look like I've got two balloons on my face."
Darryl (sitting on the toilet) "Try this, Preparation H stuff, it says it shrinks swollen tissue and provides relief.  Perfect.
Shirley"  "Aw honey, you are always thinking out for me."

Shirley, 15 minutes later looking like she is in a permanent kiss - "Honey, we may need to stop by the urgent care on the way to work."

The next one that comes to mind is the box of Viagra.  It clearly states, "For oral use only"

My imagination gets the best of me again.

Daryl:  "Shirley, did you fill that prescription for Viagra?  We have date night tonight right?'
Shirley:  "Yes, baby.  It's right here in my purse."

15 minutes goes by.

Daryl: "Shirley, I need you in here."

Shirley enters the bathroom, Daryl is standing by the toilet with the open box on the table.

"It doesn't fit."
Shirley looks at him: "What doesn't fit?"
Daryl looked at her like she is stupid, "The pill."
Shirley looks at him like he is stupid, "All you have to do is swallow it.  It can't be that big."
Daryl turns white, "We may need to go to the emergency room.
Shirley looks at him, "It's going to take way too long to take effect in there.  Let me see if I can get it out."

The scary part about all of this is that these warnings are on the boxes FOR A REASON.  There was that first person that sued McDonald's because they were not told the coffee was HOT.  If someone has done it, then some lawyer found out about it and someone paid for it - along with a new warning label. So look at the products you use:

Warning!  Do not hold wrong end of the chainsaw.
Warning!  This medicine is for animal use only - DO NOT use on children.
Warning!  This barbed wire fence contains sharp edges.
Warning!  Do not touch electric fence when turned on.
Warning!  Do not use thermometer orally after using rectally.

We could just let Darwin's theory play itself out.  Just go ahead and take all the warning labels off products and see who survives.

Bet it will be the lawyers.

Have you seen WTF warning labels?

WTF - What the Friday - Halloween Style

It's Friday and we survived another Halloween - even if my thighs feel another inch bigger after the binge on candy.  But during out trick or treating we has several WTF moments.

Whoppers - seriously, who gives out these things?  NOBODY likes them.  NOBODY.  I am tempted to egg your house for giving out handfuls of these.  Perhaps you are a dentist and figure no one's going to eat them so you're saving teeth in a covert kind of way.

Warners - these are the great parents that say, "Watch out, someone is going to jump out from behind that tree."  In my case, I worked hard to stay still holding that bucket of candy, waiting for them to get

close to jump up and offer candy.  Who are you?  The Lone Ranger?  The whole point of Halloween is to scare people - and you ARE RUINING IT!  Oh, and the next time you come, I'm hiding from you and scaring you FIRST!

Non dressers - no you do not look like a hoodlum.  No you cannot get candy if you are dressed up as yourself.  You may think you're pretty cool but no, it's not cutting it.  Period.

Fun Size - this is the biggest WTF.  Why do you call little bars the FUN size?  They are not fun?  They are little?  They should be called the Torture Size?  Or Starter Size because we all know you're going to eat the whole bag after that first Fun Size, right?

Wrappers - candy wrappers should be designed to spontaneously combust after 15 minutes when separated from the piece of candy.  This would make a lot of Moms happy and not thinking, "WTF" when they come downstairs the next morning to a mess on the floor.

Do Gooders - seriously.  It is Halloween.  Give out candy.  Floss?  Apples?  Pretzels (well, OK we did dip them in melted chocolate and eat them)  Give us one day when we can indulge in sugar and not feel guilty.  Plus you know everyone throws away the apples because of the possibility of razors in them.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween, I did.  I scared a bunch of little children and in my world, that's awesome.  Keep this list handy so you don't make any of these blunders next year.

What's your WTF for Halloween?