Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

You know you're a Mom.....

Do any of these ring true to you?


You know you're a Mom, when you finally sit on the toilet at 6pm and wondering, "have I gone to the bathroom yet today?"

You know you're a Mom when you can answer this question:
"How much is a Twix Bar?"
Me:  "Around 79 cents."
"How much if everyone in the world including the people in the Space Station bought a Twix Bar?"
Me: "5 billion 9 hundred thousand seven hundred twenty."

Sure it's not right, but who would know and what do my kids think I am - Google?

You know you're a Mom when you think coffee is supposed to be cold and its only purpose is to keep you awake in the carpool line.

You know you're a Mom when everything you own is stained, according to the age of your children:
throw up, crap, cooking class, arts and crafts, crap, throw up.

You know you're a Mom when it is not surprising to pull an ear plug (just one), a ketchup and duck sauce package, anti fungal cream AND hot pink lip gloss out of your purse.

You know you're a Mom when it is legal to launder money and keep it.

You know you're a Mom when you purposely change the time on your computer so no one knows you're really finally getting to and sending those emails at 347am.

You know you're a Mom when you've learned that there is always time to stop if a child has to pee.

You know you're a Mom when your TaDa list includes meals for 2 boys and their 6 friends, relearning (thank you Google) how to multiply fractions, finish a Ninja Turtle Costume (thank you duct tape) AND no one realizes you are sitting in your room with a romance novel and glass of wine.

You know you're a Mom when the BEST part of your day was not:
The perfect hairdo
The healthy meal
The satisfactory report card
Someone actually flushing the toilet

It is that split second when one of your minions runs up to you and give you a quick hug saying, "Love you."

And you didn't pay them to do it because relatives were visiting.

Happy Mother's Day Shot@Life!

This Post was written for the Shot@Life Mother's Day Meme with Sisters From Another Mister.  I am honored to be one of the 20 bloggers writing posts about Mother's Day.  I really tried to get all mushy and say sweet things about being a mother - but then I realized that I need to be myself.  My post is about those tale tell signs you are a mother.

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I have made my donation to this great cause because as a mother, I know we want the best for our children and mothers shouldn't have to choose between vaccinating a children and keeping food on the table.  A simple $20 donation can immunize a child for their lifetime!  So if you like this post, share it on Facebook and Twitter and let's start spreading the word!

Want to donate?  See below!

A mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child.  

How do you know you are a Mother?

Grey hair - remember that full head of beautiful hair until - them.  Now most of the hair has either been pulled out (in the beginning by a toddler, later by you) and colored out of a box.

Loss of Hearing - being selective or the constant din of life at home, most Moms are heard saying, "What?"

Nose Protrusion - Do not mess with a Mom on a scent mission - let her move through the house unhindered as she searches out the culprit for "that smell."  And even if you don't smell it, agree with her because when she finds it under your bed, the "I told you so," doesn't last that long.

The slight limp in your walk.  It starts with holding a child in your arms for the first year of their life.  I never realized love handles were actually handles for children to hold onto.  The limp is from favoring one hip for a child permanently bowing one leg.

One arm longer than the other - this is due to spending a lifetime picking up stuff from the floor.

Indentation on your foot - this permanent mark on the bottom of your foot is caused from stepping on something left from a child - a lego, a Barbie Doll shoe, a marble.

Movement - moms are that person standing in the grocery line rocking back and forth.  No, we do not have a child in our arms, but we still rock back and forth - it is a habit we will take with us for the rest of our lifetime..

As a mother, I have each and every one of these traits and I walk proudly with them.  Only other Moms know the hard work and determination that goes into shaping and molding that little ovum that united with sperm into a functioning adult.  We also know that we are not perfect, because being perfect means we are doing something wrong.  Happy Mother's Day to me, I'm going to do what I desire to do on that day - sitting on the couch watching my Duck Dynasty 
marathon while my children work on adding a few notches to their character.

Take that you therapist in the future.

Here is how you can make a difference
Find out more about Shot@Life

Visit Sisters From Another Mister and make your donation now.

The Mothers day meme runs  May 8th and run until the 18th.

We invite you to become part of it.  Write your post about your mother, being a mother or simply Mother's Day. Make a donation of a minimum of $10 linking up your post, (better yet, $20 can immunize a child FOR LIFE)

This is two simple cups of coffee and you've helped a child!

Of course, all donations are tax deductible.

And the Bonus for this meme is that every post and comment will give you an entry into some fun giveaways!

Team ImmUNITY Nicole Morgan – shot@life

Decisions, Decisions.....

In the age of social media, we've become sticklers on what we do.  Have you found yourself: 

10.  Looking a picture from all angles, making sure your butt doesn't look big BEFORE posting it to Facebook?

9.  Agonizing over which recipe to pin to your Pinterest page because you want everyone else to think you actually cook this shit.

8.  Looking over your shoulder when you are stalking someone on Facebook to make sure they are not standing there stalking you.

7.  Getting comment from someone then stalking them a little bit to figure out who they are and how you know them.

6.  Trying to pick the perfect picture to Pin to Pinterest and checking the post to Facebook link, you have to look smart, sexy and capable to your Facebook following.

5.  Unfriending a few pages because you never realized until now that your child is behind you looking over your shoulder when you are checking your social media accounts.  #awkward

4.  You loose all self esteem when Facebook thinks you are a knee with facial recognition.

3.  Thinking that you need to sound like Pollyanna because everyone else is doing it.  "I love my husband so much that even when he's in the bathroom pooping, I miss him.  He's been in there way too long.  And he's such a great guy, when will he come out so we can snuggle on the couch together?"

2.  Stealing someone else's Pinterest Pin and passing it off as your own because your attempt at the Kit Kat Lasagna looked like crap.

1.  Want to scream out there into cyberspace - "Hey, I'm am freakin hilarious, will you please show me some love?  At least like that very funny post - just like it.  Do you hear me?"