WTF - Man Caught as the Florida Foot Sniffer

This is an actual news story.  Want to learn more about the foot sniffer?

Then click HERE

A foot sniffer.  No really, he was caught sniffing feet?

*Disclaimer: I am also guilty of foot sniffing. Sometimes when I put on fresh socks I sniff my feet because they smell so good. I am also guilty of gauging how bad my feet smell when I take off my shoes with a casual sniff.  I am in no way a professional foot sniffer, or criminal foot sniffer.

"A man was caught crawling under the table sniffing a female's feet...."

I can only imagine:

"Carol, what's that noise?"

Gale, "Is that sniffing?"

Carol looks to Gayle, "Are you sniffing me?"

Gayle, "No, I thought you were sniffing me? I put on deodorant."

Carol, "I'm not sniffing anything."

Gayle, "Me neither.  Wait, who's the dude under our library table?"

He's lucky these girls had great hygiene practices because if this poor soul sniffed my feet, he'd pass out, getting caught right away. I think my feet smell like petunias, he wouldn't be able to stand let alone get away on his scooter.

Crime Stoppers put out a bulletin warning students of FIU of a person "crawling underneath a tables in a suspicious manner." Obviously, this man did not drop his pencil. How would you define a "suspicious" manner?

Also, did anyone notice that he ran off on a scooter? Possibly a liquor cycle? Hence the foot sniffing? How long did it take the police catching him on a SCOOTER?

Policeman, "Earle, there's so many people on scooters out here, which one is the sniffer?"

Partner, "That one, on the red scooter, he looks like a foot sniffer to me."

If you look at his mug shot, clearly he looks like a scooter riding, foot sniffing derelict.

Of course it took the helicopter, Sky 10 to chronicle the epic chase of the foot sniffer on the scooter.

Only in Florida, my friends.  Only in Florida.

I was on Instagram before Instagram was KEWL!

My children are starting to foray into social media.  Explaining to me that Instagram is the way to go, Facebook is for "old people."

I even had one of their friends say, "I deleted my Facebook account when my MOM tried to friend me!"

No, not a butt shot but Instagram worth, don't you think?

Oh my God, your Mom is on Facebook?  She really has a life she wants to share with the world? Oh wait, she's just a Mom, that person that takes care of you, not a real person.

Oh please, I've been on Instagram since, well, almost before you were born.  I was already on before Instagram was COOL or as the kids say KEWL!  How did I learn about this social media site before everyone else?  Unknowingly!

You see I had a rash on well, um, a place that is vampire white due to lack of sun.  And I couldn't see it in the mirror no matter which way I turned.  So I had a great idea, I'd take a picture of it with my phone, then save it so I can compare in a week after using a certain medicated cream.  Easy peasy, right?

I took the picture, examined it with my glasses on, turned the phone different ways, figuring it wasn't as bad as I thought and saved the picture.

Then my phone told me I had a new comment on my picture.  A new comment?  On what picture?

I clicked on the notification, and three of my friends had already commented on my rash picture that was saved automatically to Instagram.

"Ewwww!"

"Did you go see the dermatologist?"

"WTH?

Luckily, I only had 6 friends on Instagram, and they were good friends.  I was able to delete the picture, keeping them as friends.  One showed me the "do not automatically share" button on my phone, and voila!  My Instagram account, that I didn't know I had, was created, already linked to Facebook and Twitter.  Wow, this internet thing sure is easy.

So I got into Instagram before everyone else thought it was cool.  And I made my profile private making sure if I accidentally post another picture of my Bum, it's to my friends only.  And now with the children getting into it, it is all about the likes.  How many likes your picture got.

"Mom, you only got 14 likes on your picture.  You need more friends."

Well, my likes are "real" likes, they are people I actually know.  And I have enough drama in my life, I really don't need any more friends.  And really, who is defined by how many "likes" they received on their picture?

I wonder how many likes that first picture would get today?  

Let me go see if I can find it.

Not Your Mother's Book On Sex

You know you want it.

Come on.

It's not hard.

Just go for it.

You'll be glad you did.

It's about sex.

Everyone needs it.

Most want it.

Only a few Gotta have it.  (The book that is!  Get your mind out of the gutter!)

This is the book that is HARD to put down.

It will make you laugh.

It will make you sigh.

It will be very stimulating.

It is something you will not forget easily.

Sort of like sex.

Available on Amazon, pick up the book by clicking HERE

If you need another reason, I have an essay in it.  "Do you Vajazzle?"

What Not To Do On Your First Day At The Resort

There are ways to learn how to ski, then there are ways to NOT learn how to ski.  Let's go over a few basics.

1.  Don't listen to your friends on your first day of skiing.  Remember these are the same friends that provide a multitude of entertainment with several "Hey, Watch This!" moments during the course of your lifetime.

They will say, "Let's just take the lift to the top, you'll figure it out on the way down."

You will then provide a hilarious moment for them as they say, "Hey watch this" and push you down the mountain.


2.  Be careful of borrowed ski gear.  Know your options.  Sometimes it is better to just pay the nominal rental fee for your gear than showing up at the slopes in the 1980's fartbag onezie with skis close to 6 feet long for your 5 foot frame. Rule of thumb, if it doesn't fit, the ground you'll hit.  Prepare for a day of fun with the right gear.

3.  Find your bearings at the resort.  Your friends will try again to trick you.  "Oh this is the lift you need to get on, this one here."  If you are asking the attendant if you need to put your skis on before riding the lift then you shouldn't be on any lift at the resort.  You should be in a lesson.  Of course, always know exactly where the necessities are - the bar, the restroom and food.

4.  Contracting a lesson is worth it.  Having a professional teach you that "pizza" and "french fries" are not fast food terms starts your slope side day on the right foot (or with both feet doing what they are supposed to do, not doing something that ends with a "Get Out of my way!"), remember learning how to stop does have its benefits.  You can then watch your friends who decided against that lesson screech by you with a silent scream on their lips before spectacularly wiping out.  Sidetone:  Getting lesson is best for everyone in your party.  Those who know how to ski get an hour of fun, and when you meet up with them you know what you are doing.

5.  There is no "One more run."  This translates into the "Hey watch this" type moment.  If your legs are tired, it is time to call it a day.  Be careful of the friends that want to end a day on the snow with "Let's race down the black diamond and see who hits the bottom first."  Did you notice your friend used the term "hits?"  There is a reason.

6.  Apres Ski is always better with friends.  Not just the friends you brought with you, but the new friends you'll meet at the bar.  Everything's easier when there's a beer in hand.  Just make sure you hand someone your skis and tell them NOT to give them back to you.

There is a right way for a day on the snow and there is your friend's way.  Remember, sometimes it is better to be a leader than a follower when it comes to learning something new.  You'll thank yourself as you are picking up your friends from the ER.

What would you add?

Water Aerobics or Strapping a Noodle between your legs on purpose

I had the inclination to go and try water aerobics.  To be honest when I went to swim laps, I saw this instructor (WOAH) teaching the class.  And Every woman was talking in the locker room afterwards (naked) about what a GOOD instructor HE was.  I had to see what all this water aerobics stuff was about.

I show up in my bathing suit.  I am the youngest person at this class by far.  And that's not a bad thing.

I'm standing by the pool wondering what I do next when, a woman floats by me riding the noodle better than John Wayne.

"Grab a noodle honey, stick in between your legs and get in the water."

I am officially without words for that one.  But I go and grab a noodle, slide it gently between my legs (oh for pete's sake get your mind out of the gutter and back in the pool) and walk into the pool.

Did you know there is an art to righting yourself while riding a noodle in the pool?  Me neither as I slipped a little sideways as I walk down the steps and slip, my face coming up way too close to the crotch of the ONLY guy getting in the water for his water aerobics class.  I knew then to do this class I had to master the noodle immediately.  (oh for pete's sake back in the gutter again?  Get back in the pool!)

We are all floating there, looking at each other.  Waiting.  For something.

"It's 9 o'clock, where is the instructor.  The class starts at 9 o'clock.  Where is she."


Picture some women named Shirley or Gladys, or Mabel.  With a thick New York accent, in a blue tennis skirt style bikini, floating by me in the pool.

"We're not getting any younger here.  I could be dead by the time she gets here."

I'm thinking it is really hard to take her seriously as she is there riding a noodle like Dale Evans (don't know her, go google it, it's safe) her white cap on - the Esther Williams style one with all the little flowers on it (of course you'd never wear that swimming because it's not very aerodynamic) full makeup AND you can smell her perfume.

Obviously, her kids are grown because she expects people to listen to her, whereas my kids never hear a word I say.  (Clean your room, pick the towel up from the floor, don't strangle your brother)

"If she doesn't show up soon, I'm teaching the class myself."

I'd love to see that.  Much to my disappointment, the instructor shows up and we spend an hour riding noodles while waving our arms, scissoring our legs, complete with a few giddy ups from one end of the pool to the other.

Surprise number one - this actually was harder than I expected it to be.

Surprise number two - Shirley or Gladys or Mabel kicked my ass at water aerobics.

May I be as spritely at her age to think that I can ride a noodle, wearing a white flowered swimming cap, full makeup and perfume AND rock water aerobics!

Oh Pinterest You Did It Again - Belly Wrap Edition

So I've been reading about body wrapping and came to two very powerful conclusions.  If it helps with my muffin top it is worth it.  And, boy it is pretty expensive.

So I went to Pinterest and decided, heck, look at how easy those pictures make it.  I'll do my own belly wrap.

Easy, right?  Buy some Ace bandages, Epsom Salt, Coconut Oil and green tea.

It was easy and my first wrap was a success except.....

Note to Self:


Do not do your long run the same day as your belly wrap.

Next time you buy epsom salts, do not buy the Peppermint salts.

If you are running during wrap day, put plenty of Body Glide on your butt and do not decide to shave your hoochie Hoo.

Because the water from the salts will run to a certain place, and oh Lordy.....

Now I know what "being on fire" feels like, and I am not talking about my stellar personality, I'm talking about my nether region.

There.  You are welcome.  In a completely G rated post I was able to convey that Peppermint Epsom Salts on a chaffed ass will make it feel like it is completely on fire.

Now, I know why I took a Lamaze class over 13 years ago - to perfect the breathing when in the same type of pain as labor.

Maybe I'll just keep my extra baggage around my middle so people will not be TOO jealous that I am smart, funny, beautiful AND skinny.

WTF - Kids Names

Seriously people, why would you name your kid that?

Airwrecka - or Erica, why do some people have to so butcher the spelling of their name to make them different.  I think I will change my kids names, how about:

Maxhimauh

and

Waulfgaung

Then you have the ones that are named after things a parent can't afford:

Chanel
Armani
Health Insurance
Mercedes
Pearl
Car Payment

Parents like to use symbols in the name:

Kei$ha - does that mean she needs money?
$hannon - does she have a silver spoon in her mouth.
I could outdo all of them with $hithead!  Perfect!

Then the fluffy names:
Buffy
Candy
Fluffy
Precious (how about Pre$ious)
Honey

Some think it is a good idea giving them a sports name, hoping that they excel in sports:

Darryl Homerun Walker
Stephanie 10Love Smith

and again, my favorite-

Darius Touchdown Carson.

I have a friend who named her daughter nevaeh - many were not sure how to even pronounce it, but she explained "It is heaven spelled backwards."  The first thought that went through my mind was Heaven Backwards is well, I'm not going to say it.

Finally, what really offends me:

When I introduce myself and they say, "I used to have a dog with that name."

WTF - Tag You're It!

So I'm happily stalking all my friends on Facebook, when all of a sudden a red notification button appears.

"So and So has tagged you in a photo."

Oh.

No.

Immediately my mind goes back to what I did last night.

I was cool.  I think.  Nothing crazy.

Oh wait, I was dancing, wasn't I?

Immediately I go to the picture.  Hoping it was not from the night before because, and I have to pull all the cuss words out of what I was saying to myself, "I wasn't wearing the most flattering outfit benefitting a picture of tagment on the Book of Face."

My computer sensing my discomfort that there is some picture out there in the stratosphere of me that I cannot get to, immediately decides that my wireless router will not work when I am just pulling up the picture that has my name screaming all over the internet.

NOOOOOO!!

I have to go and reboot the router.  Wait the agonizing 15 seconds to replug it in, wondering if I should just jump on the hot spot of my phone because....

God, what is the picture and what I am doing???????

I am praying the it is some inspirational prayer about trees and nothing to worry about.  But only I know what I have been doing with my friends lately, and I cannot tell you how many of them have smart phones.

They mean well.

"Oh look, here's a picture of Kelly in the 176 pictures I uploaded from Alex's 2nd version of his 15th birthday party."

No one thinks before they tag, important things like:

Well, doesn't Kelly look like a fat cow in this one.
Oh look, Kelly's boobs are falling out of her shirt, is that a nipple I see?
Wait a minute, is that a donkey behind Kelly, who's tongue is, in the picture, in a very appropriate place.
Who is that girl standing inappropirately close to Kelly and why is she staring at her like that.

No, they go ahead and load a photo, tag me in it and don't think of the consequences.



Finally, the router comes back online, now I have to wait for the computer to catch up.  Facebook is like, "Oh I'm sorry, is this important to you?  Well, we've changed our algorhythms so that you cannot see it!"

I'm searching wondering if the one time my friend took her phone into the bathroom at that bar resulted in the photo, when the photo finally pops up.

Oh, wait.  Look it's one from when I am seventeen.

Dayum, I look pretty hot.

And skinny.

And when did I have those legs.

All that worry over nothing.  I guess I'll leave the tag.

Just as I sigh in relief, a second notification pops up on my screen.

Nicole Morgan has tagged you in a photo.

Oh shit, she lives in South Florida.

It could be a bathing suit photo.

Facebook says, "Oh, now is the perfect time to SLLLOOOOWWWW DDDOOOWWWNNN."

WTF - Warning Labels

There are signs everywhere in life, things that make you stop and think - Hmmm, other's, like this recurring headache I've had for the past two weeks a subtle hint by my body to start eating clean again, and that yes, dark chocolate is good for your body, just not a whole bar of it in one sitting.



A few signs make me wonder who was the first.

The Preparation H cream - with the big warning that it is not for oral use.

Picture it:

Shirley:  "That botox shot they gave me in my lips, well it was a little bit too much.  I look like I've got two balloons on my face."
Darryl (sitting on the toilet) "Try this, Preparation H stuff, it says it shrinks swollen tissue and provides relief.  Perfect.
Shirley"  "Aw honey, you are always thinking out for me."

Shirley, 15 minutes later looking like she is in a permanent kiss - "Honey, we may need to stop by the urgent care on the way to work."

The next one that comes to mind is the box of Viagra.  It clearly states, "For oral use only"

My imagination gets the best of me again.

Daryl:  "Shirley, did you fill that prescription for Viagra?  We have date night tonight right?'
Shirley:  "Yes, baby.  It's right here in my purse."

15 minutes goes by.

Daryl: "Shirley, I need you in here."

Shirley enters the bathroom, Daryl is standing by the toilet with the open box on the table.

"It doesn't fit."
Shirley looks at him: "What doesn't fit?"
Daryl looked at her like she is stupid, "The pill."
Shirley looks at him like he is stupid, "All you have to do is swallow it.  It can't be that big."
Daryl turns white, "We may need to go to the emergency room.
Shirley looks at him, "It's going to take way too long to take effect in there.  Let me see if I can get it out."

The scary part about all of this is that these warnings are on the boxes FOR A REASON.  There was that first person that sued McDonald's because they were not told the coffee was HOT.  If someone has done it, then some lawyer found out about it and someone paid for it - along with a new warning label. So look at the products you use:

Warning!  Do not hold wrong end of the chainsaw.
Warning!  This medicine is for animal use only - DO NOT use on children.
Warning!  This barbed wire fence contains sharp edges.
Warning!  Do not touch electric fence when turned on.
Warning!  Do not use thermometer orally after using rectally.

We could just let Darwin's theory play itself out.  Just go ahead and take all the warning labels off products and see who survives.

Bet it will be the lawyers.

Have you seen WTF warning labels?

How do you know it is Fall?

Sure it is October 1st, but there are many other ways to realize it is fall, here's a quick list:

 

 Pumpkin Coffee, Pumpkin Muffins, Pumpkin oatmeal, Pumpkin Cookies, Pumpkin Ravioli, Pumpkin Gnocchi.  They came out with Pumpkin Spice toilet paper, that gives you a nice whiff in combat to other, well, other odors.  Now if they could just make Pumpkin Spice baby diapers.

The Spiders are taking over - they realize this is their last hurrah until the first frost - get all the making a web big enough that it covers between two trees, yet you cannot see it - until you walk through it then they get to run over your head.

There is butternut squash in the grocery store.  No one knows what to do with it, everyone buys it.  It sits in the fridge until winter rolls around and you can safely throw away the rotten thing because it is past fall.

Everyone talks about how happy they are to wear sweaters for the cooler weather.  Oh be honest, it has been a LONG summer holding that muffin top in - I know I am ready for sweater weather.

We can now sleep with the windows open.  Oh wait, there's that dog that barks all night long, I missed being able to sleep through the night hearing only the hum of the air conditioner.

Beautiful leaves are creeping on the trees.  Yes, and everyone sounds like Elmer Fudd while on four different brands of allergy medicine along with 3 different nasal shots, don't forget the Chloraseptic due to post nasal drip of all the crap you're trying to clear out.

Fall Festivals - yes every church, school, organization, PTA, yard sale has a fall festival.  If I get rolled up like a mummy one more time, I'm going Egyptian on them.

Halloween decorations - I don't need them, I've got plenty of spiders and cobwebs to cover this one.  I will however put something that screams in the path of my front sidewalk that is motion detected - because well, someone has to enjoy Halloween.

Mums - this is the "I am too lazy to dig for pansies and I'll leave what's left of my flowers in but cover it with Mums in pots to look like fall."  Add in the fake pumpkin on the front step and you have the "Aint nobody got time for that Fall decorations."

Fall is that season where we think about hibernating - which means running to Costco for your case of wine, to the ABC store for the whiskey for your hot toddies (because we'll all catch that fall cold) and then to the nail salon for your last pedicure.  We all know that the legs and the toes are going into hibernation until the first day of spring - so why paint and why shave, right?

What do you love about Fall?

Jury Duty - Russian Roulette

Today I had the pleasure of experiencing the Judicial System.

"You'll love it, you sit and read and relax while getting paid by work AND the courts," my friend explained.

I packed my writing, two books I was reading, my iPad and some new music to listen to - expecting to relax for a day and catch up on things.

Boy was I wrong. 

The very first group of jurors - 37 people including yours truly.

How do the people who've been here before look?  "Oh shit, I could actually be picked for a case!"

Me?  I'm confused, I follow everyone out of the big jury room to a small court room asking along the way, "Do we still get to read?  Do I still get to write?"

We go into the court room that's about 85 degrees and all have to sit crowded onto church pews in the visitor seating area.  Someone next to me lets out a SBD, yes a silent but deadly fart.  Oh, it's going to be a long day.

The judge then went through all the procedures:

All eyes on the judge.
You must listen to every single part of the procedure.
You must not talk.
You cannot do anything except listen to the procedures.

So we go through the set of questions with the first set of prospective jurors, and I'm thinking this is pretty interesting, maybe I could do this until they get to the trial lasting about a week to week and a half.  My mind starts moving into what I have to do if I get picked, and I start sweating, while someone around me lets another one loose.

The judge asks if anyone cannot do the trial and I am tempted to get up with the four others and explain that my husband is out of town, that my kids are in school, that I work 3 different jobs.  As I think to do it, another woman says pretty much the same thing and the judge not only sends her back to the jury pool but lectures her on her civic duty.

I start sweating more, and someone lets another one.

Each juror is interviewed by both lawyers who then decide to keep them or let them go.  It's like that horror movie, you watch the next person hit the hot seat, listen to them answer a question, cringe when they say something that sends them out the door.  The amount of sweat you produce is a direct correlation to the number of people around you walking out of the courtroom.

I'm getting to a point where I am mentally answering the question for them, "Don't tell them you have a heart condition, you can serve jury duty with a heart condition!?"

Another one out the door, next.

"Don't tell them your whole life's story, just answer the questions.  What?   He's a pastor, oh man, they are going to let him go!"

Another one out the door, the woman next to be gets called, another foul one wafting across the room.

What?  She can't hear very well?   I think she can hear just fine, you mean she's 68, no that's not too old - PICK HER!

We get down to me and one other person sitting on the benches staring at each other like, "Please let them pick you."  The jury is sat, they are interviewing the alternates, I'd still get stuck.  I smell something and almost look at her saying, "REALLY!"

The woman stands with a piece of paper, I hold my breath.  She looks at us.

It's her.

I sit back because, I am not home free yet.  What if she has Tourette's Syndrome, or knows someone in the case, or doesn't answer the questions right?  I find myself saying a little prayer.

When the first lawyer is satisfied with the woman's answers, I smile as I see her frown and start sweating.  The defense lawyer asks her a few questions, she is hinting around that she doesn't have time to do it, the lawyer stops with her looks at the judge and says he is satisfied.



I almost jump up as the last prospective juror standing and yell "YEAH!  NA NA NA Boo Boo!  To who ever was FARTING, you're stuck with them!  I'm out of here!  Oh Yeah, Uh huh! ALL RIGHT!"

Instead I quietly leave the jurors sitting in the box looking like they are the one on trial and walk out of the room, HAPPY that I am back in the stuffy, hot, sweaty room of prospective jurors!  I'd rather be there any day - thank you Lord!

What I did learn:

It takes a special person, most of the people sitting with me had been married over 15 years, with several adult children, AND held a job for over 20 years.  I figured out why, because upstanding people are the ones that ACTUALLY show up for jury duty.  The rest?  They are getting deferments or just not showing up.

And if you get called to jury duty, don't complain about sitting in the big room with all the other people - it is SO MUCH better than sitting in on a trial and figuring out how to rearrange your life for the next week and a half.

Oh, and bring Febreeze with you because it is much better than standing up in the middle of the proceedings and looking at the people around you saying, "REALLY?  WHO IS IT?"

If you do your duty, as I did and don't get picked, you're scott free for two years AND you make 12 bucks for the day.  A win/win right?

Ever been to jury duty?

Do you have boys? Are you prepared?

I have two boys, those that live close to me already know that from the smells that come out of my home to the noise level at all times of the day.   Those cute little minions smelling of baby powder and running around your home are going to turn into tweens then teens!  Just to prepare you, I've created a list.

They believe in the natural smell of the human body and this prompts them to take off their shoes and celebrate in any place this natural occurrence.  The shoes come off with a silent snicker until I almost crash the car when the smell hits me.  I've been know to beg them to stick their feet out the window to keep the inside of my car from melting.




If they love the smell of their feet, they love the smell of their farts even better.  My boys love to share, they will wrestle one down and sit on him while holding that beautiful odor until the perfect moment.  The screaming coming out of my home is the rapture from the younger brother at this ceremony of his older brother.

Get used to the smell the breath game.  They will come up with every way of getting out of brushing their teeth, sometimes the yellow fuzz will give it away but most times you have to smell their breath.  Make sure you are sitting down while doing this, falling down hurts.

They detest detergent, they feel that clothing washed in detergent and smelling clean is not natural.  They will hide their clothes under the bed, in the closet, even wrapped up in their blankets.  The sign of a wrinkled shirt means the ride to school is happening with the windows down - rain or shine.

Dirt is their friend - it keeps you healthy to be exposed regularly to dirt they explain.  What they track in the home is just their way to keep the family healthy.

They can multitask.  A wet moldy towel on the floor can double as a mop.  If they spill their drink during the night, they can just move the towel over the puddle and wait for it to cement to the floor.  The polish can comes up with the towel was simply not supposed to be there.

Who needs soap when you have water?  Just the process of getting wet makes them feel clean, and the loss of smell that accompanies the onset of hormones means everyone except them needs to hold their nose.

Why does the dog pee in our bedroom?  Because it smells like a toilet.   Oh and throwing the wet moldy towel over does not constitute as covering it up.

If I tell you something is going to hurt, then don't try it on your brother.  Because it will hurt.  And then it will hurt you.

So here's the list I have compiled so far, as a mother just remember a few stinky hugs are better than no hugs at all.

What would you add to this list of boys?

Get up!

With the start of school, we mother's cherish the non pitter patter of little feet around the house.  So to be sure they make it to school on time, here's a way to make it through the first week of school, heck, the entire school year.



Day One - they usually get up on time, so set the alarm for yourself.  Because you will over sleep and then come down asking them why they didn't wake you, they will look back with a dazed expression, "I was supposed to wake you up?"  The best alarm for parents is the start of the coffee maker, makes getting out of bed that much easier.

Day Two - They have now realized that they do not want to get up early and go to school.  Setup the Karaoke machine the night before and have them running from their room for the shower or listen to your rendition of "Over the Rainbow."

Day Three - They have now turned off their hearing in the morning, evident by the alarm going by their head and they are still not moving.  Check for a pulse, if there is one, then turn the air conditioner down to 37 degrees, once the house is chilled enough, pull the blankets and sheets off of them and announce you are putting them in the laundry.  Hypothermia will get them moving.

Day Four - they wore flannels to bed.  Light a match, blow it out, then run into the room waving it screaming, "The house is on fire.  Get out!  Get out!"  Have their clothes waiting for them in the "safe spot" of your front yard.

Day Five - none of the above is going to work.  Time to pull out the big guns.  Smear their face with beef paste, put the dog in the room and shut the door.  Enough said.

Getting them out the door on time means more quiet time for your cup of coffee, your facebooking and god forbid - a little bit of cleaning.

What are your ways to get kids up and ready for school?

They said THAT? Favorite Disney lines translated.

My name is Kelly and I love Disney movies, but really?

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes - Cinderella - I'm not sure this is true, because my heart is not dreaming about Johnny Depp rolling over in the bed and saying, "Good Morning Starshine."

Whistle While You Work - Snow White - no one, I repeat no one, would whistle while cleaning out a boys room, that would require pulling air in through your nose.

The Past can hurt, but the way I see it you can either run from it, or face it - The Lion King   True, I choose to run from the gold shiny parachute pants and the one, and only perm I ever received.

Always let your conscience be your guide - PInoccio   Oh really Pinnoccio?  And you've told the truth?  Have you ever seen a child's face when you explain the last Reese Cup fell into the toilet as you are picking peanut butter out of your teeth?


Nothing's Impossible - Alice In Wonderland   Oh yeah Alice?  Have you ever tried to get gum out the dog's hair?  Or the science experiment of making our own caramel over the stove off the ceiling?

To Infinity and Beyond - Buzz Lightyear  I feel the same way, would you like another glass of wine?

Even Miracles Take a Little time - Cinderella  What?  Ain't nobody got time for that!

They say if you dream a thing more than once, it's going to come true - Sleeping Beauty.  I'm working on just sleeping through the night, then I'll look at the pictures of The Rock before I fall asleep.

Reach for the sky - Buzz Lightyear   But then my belly fat will show!


Hakuna Matada, it means no worries for the rest of the day.  I've got a better word - Cardboardeaux, it really does make the worries go away.

Don't be fooled by its commonplace appearance.  Like so many things, it is not what outside, but what is inside that counts.  And THAT, is why I buy wine in the box!

What do you do when things go wrong?  You sing a song - Snow White.  Seriously?  How about "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..." from behind the bars?

Giving up is for rookies - Hercules  Hercules has never seen the lunch box thermos finally found in  lost and found after three 3 weeks.  Give up, throw it away.

For each dawn, she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true - Cinderella  Each dawn I can open my eyes from that wonderful dream, then sigh as the alarm clock rolls off Back In Time from Pittbull and hope for a new day tomorrow.


One thing I did learn from a Disney movie?  It's not OK to talk to strangers-----well, unless they are really good looking then it's OK because they are your future husband.


What's your favorite Disney Movie Line?  Do you think they tell the truth?

Ain't Nobody Got Time For DaT!

 I've been having fun with the Sweet Brown Meme with my kids, we decided to put together a list for you.

Here's a list of things I don't have time for:

10.  Please stop 25 feet behind the school bus when the lights are on red.

9.  To preserve your equipment, please eject the USB device prior to removal.

8.  Slow controlled turns help you ski down the mountain in control.

7.  Please wait while your movie is buffering.

6.  "So and so wants to be your friend on Facebook."

5.  "Would you like Windows to install critical updates?"

4.  "Please allow time for the urine to pass through the test window.

3.  "Please take time to read and understand the license user agreement?"

2.   For best flavor, please allow time for the beer head to settle.

1.  Sleep, ain't nobody got time for that!

There's a dumb virus going around!

There’s a slight case of dumbness going around right now, and it’s infecting everyone I know and love.  It starts with my friends, I’m in the Supermarket filling up the cart when I run into a friend doing the exact same thing, she smiles at me and says, “Hey, what are you doing here?”

I look at both of our carts full of Lunchables and fruit and boxed wine and reply, “Uh, trying to keep my family from starving?”  What does she think I’m doing?  I’m going to fill this cart up, take it to the checkout then run as fast as I can out of the store?

It moved from my grocery friends onto businesspeople, this was an actual conversation I had when the electric company for a condo I own called me to pay my electric bill.

“Can we update your billing address,” she sounded American on the phone.

I give her my address and phone number, she repeats them back, I say, “Can you tell me how much I owe or can I pay that now?”

She says, “I cannot give out that information to you.”

I’m dumbfounded, “what?  But you just put in my address and telephone number?”

“Yes.”

“But you can’t tell me how much the bill is?”

“I cannot give out that information.”

“But you can mail it to me and I can mail it back?”

“Yes.”

“But I cannot get that information and PAY IT over the phone?”

“Yes.”

Seriously?  Gee, you’re a freaking ELECTRIC COMPANY and I am trying to PAY YOU?  Yes, I’m part of the Terrorist Group - “Let’s pay everyone’s electric bill” Jihadists?  Still waiting on the electric bill in the mail.

Now, it’s infected my family, I tried to keep us Smart with the Wikipedia Sanitizers, the Word of the Day from the Dictionary.  We’re on our way to the mountain for some snowboarding time and my son asks, “Where are we going?”

I look over at him in the car, I want to say, “Hey idiot is there lights on up there,” but I say, “Where do you think?”

He looks dumbfounded.

So I say, “We’re heading to China to visit your cousin, Lauren.”

“Really?”  The one in the back pipes in.

Oh Lord, the dumb virus spread much quicker than I thought, wait, what was I talking about?