WTF - Operation Department Store Camouflage

My husband and I love shopping together, I think.

We ended today with him saying, "What happened to you? Where did you go?"

But, let me back up to:

Operation Clothing Rack Camouflage.

My version of what happened: 

I am the rabbit of shopping, I can scan and pick through a clearance bin within ten seconds knowing exactly what I want.  My husband is the turtle, looking at each piece, checking quality, reading laundry instructions AND determining best price.

I get bored waiting while he ponders 200 different ties, so I say, "Love of my life, I'm going to walk through the women's department."

It doesn't take me long to find the perfect shirt.

I try it on, it fits perfectly and is on SALE! It only took me fifteen minutes.

I go back to the ties, where did he go?

Walking around the department store I finally find him wandering like a zombie in the perfume second.

Why is he giving me the stink eye?

"Hey sweetie, look what I found on sale! Did you find anything?"

"No," he says.

"Really? But you had plenty of time?"

His Version:

He is looking for the best bargain in the clearance rack of ties.

I sabotage his search when he turns and I'm gone.

Where did I go?

He starts walking through the department store looking for me.

Was that me ducking behind an underwear clad mannequin cackling wildly?

Maybe I put on some of the department store clothes, camouflaging myself in a clothing rack?

Maybe I'm sitting in the middle of a circular clothing rack watching him walk by?

Could I be taking a nap in the ladies dressing room?

Where did I go?

Finally after all morning looking for me, he finds me walking to him without a care in the world holding a shirt.

Will she apologize for hiding from me?

"Where have you been?" she asks.

"Looking for you. Let's go."

"Did you find anything?" She asks.

"No," he says.

"Really? You had plenty of time?"

He thinks I'm keeping a few price tags in my pocket so I can attach them to my shirt and act like a mannequin hiding from him the next time around.

My evil plan for domination is WORKING!

WTF - Operation Produce Disappearance

Plan A is working perfectly. I'm hiding ONE piece to his ratchet set. Now to work on Covert Operation B.....

Operation Produce Section Disappearance

We are walking around the grocery store and I think, "Oh, I forgot I need Cheetos."

(OK, there are some of us that do NEED Cheetos, don't judge OK?)

I do what any normal person does, goes and gets the Cheetos.

Coming back finding cart is abandoned soI push it further through the store shopping, right?.

There he is:

Me: Why are you in the dog food aisle? We don't need dog food?

Him: I was looking for you.

Me: Why?

Him: Because you were hiding from me?

Mr: Why would I hide from you?

Him: Because that is what you do when we go grocery shopping.

Me: What? I don't hide from you, I'm just grocery shopping.

Him: Oh really? Then why couldn't I find you?

Me: Um, duh, because you were in the dog food aisle and we don't need dog food?

He takes the cart continuing into the Beer Cave, I wait with him as he compares the craft beer against his PBR.

Dang! This is ten dollars more than my PBR!

Then I remember:

"I forgot to get cheese."

Repeat scenario above.

This time he sees me with the cart at the other end of the store and decides maybe if he embarrasses me about hiding behind the dog food while he shops I won't do it anymore.

Him, shouting from one end of the store to the other, "There you are! Where are you hiding now?"

I look at him, oh, two can play at this game, so I shout across the store:

"Getting your jock itch cream!

Muwahahahaha!

Guess I better make sure the will is up to date before I move onto Covert Operation C!

WTF - My Covert Operation

My husband thinks I have some type of covert operation on him, that I am trying to drive him crazy

One day at a time.

He is convinced I'm hiding

things from him. We have this wonderful conversation looking for things:

Him: Did you put away my whatchamacallit?

Me: Why would I put away your whatchamacallit? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit.

Him: But my whatchamacallit isn't where I usually put it.

Me: Did you put it somewhere else?

Him: Why would I put it somewhere else?

Me: Because you needed it there?

Him: I only need it where I usually put it and it is not there.

Me: So where is it?

Him: That's what I am asking you?

Rinse, Repeat entire conversation from the beginning.

Usually after we spend 15 minutes following each other around the house.

Him: There it is, why is my Whatchamacallit there?

Me: I don't know, did you put it there?

Him: Why would I put it there?

Me: Because that's where it is, right?

Him: You moved it, didn't you?

Me: Why would I move it? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit. Put it where you can find it the next time.

-------------------------------------------------15 minutes later----------------------------------------

Him: Have you seen my Doohickey?

Me: Isn't it over there where you usually put it?

Muwahahahah!

So far, my evil plan is working.

WTF - If I woke up a man....

If I woke up with a penis,  I would be different, I mean do things differently:

I wouldn't stick it anywhere it doesn't belong.

I wouldn't brag about it to my friends.

I wouldn't be checking if it is still there on a regular basis.  Or maybe I would.  Because I could grab it whenever I want.

I wouldn't find references to it any chance I could.

I would never name it.  No Puff, the One Eyed Dragon, or Meat Hammer, or Definitely NOT Tiny Flute.

I wouldn't even use the Dicktionary, really, I had to go there.

I wouldn't be a dick about having a dick.

I wouldn't wear tight clothes accentuating what I already know.

I guess I would have a ball, or maybe two.

Of course, mine would look like the statue of David, not an over 40 elderly well, um, worm.

But then the possibilities:

I'd pee outside in the woods with out a care.  The first time I didn't have to wipe with a leaf, or worst yet a poison ivy leaf (yes, we will not go there)

I'd show everyone in my family that you can actually make the toilet if you try.

I'd probably ask for a raise.

And yes, I'd probably consume a six pack of beer and go out into the snow and write....

A poem.

What did you think?


And, in case you are wondering, if you were a man, well, ummm, you can calculate your size here

Another BIG tick on the odometer

I'm trying to decide if it sounds better to be "nifty" at 50 or fabulous at 50.  Nifty just sounds kind of dorky to me.

I now know the secret handshake, here's a few lessons learned on this ride:

Anything you really want to work, takes work.  Relationships, putting together that grill, to getting the story just right.  Roll up your sleeves and get to it, it's not getting done by itself.

Ask for help when you need it. Sometimes this can be humbling, but there are people wanting to help, letting go not only helps you but makes them feel good also.

Have a Partner in Crime.  Mine pulled a good one on me for my birthday, he's got so many "dude" points to my "chick" points.  I'm in the hole for a LONG time.

You are as old as you let yourself.  Seriously.  I don't feel my age.  Especially when I do something stupid and someone asks, "Are you 15?"

Admit your mistakes, then laugh about them.  Don't hold a grudge, it's a waste of time.

If you spend time being self conscious, you lose time having fun.  Go ahead and fart in that yoga class getting the pose right, sing that karaoke realizing you can't carry a tune, try that high dive out even if it gives you an enema when you land it wrong.

Use the AARP card.  It gets you discounts.  I'm heading over to McDonald's for my free Senior coffee.

Laughter is really the best medicine.  Try to do this every day.  Better yet, just laugh at yourself, that's the quickest and easiest way to accomplish this.

Having children is a hilarious, scary but unbelievable part of the journey.  Whether it is shaking my head, or trying not to kill them, or filling with pride, I'm so proud they are mine.

Share your journey.  I'm blessed with wide open friends and family, who don't say "Are you crazy" they simply say, "OK where do we start?"  Friends are like duct tape, they will either fix the problem, or tape its mouth shut.

I've now reached the age where wearing those "baby doll" flowing tops doesn't prompt someone asking if I am pregnant.  Comfort in clothing is now the key.

Everyone has cellulite, and if they don't then they are worrying about something else on their body.  Let it go.

The only space I can control in right around me.  Occupy that space.  Make it something special, crazy, and amazing.  It's the only space truly yours, work it hard.

Many thanks for all the birthday wishes, all my amazing family and friends that made the trip celebrating with me.  Here's to another fifty more.

I love you all.

OK, time to start planning.

WTF - Yes, you can have a piece of me!

Now that you've given Mom the gift certificate for "V" steaming.  What is V Steam?  Well here ya go:

V Steam is WHAT????

Even though Valentine's Day has passed the next gift is the perfect "I love you" for that special person in your life.

The "Ash Dildo" or "21 grams"

New to the market, this vibrator holds the remains of your loved one in a little compartment inside the dildo, so you can actually still have a piece of them with you.

21 grams combines everything a woman can love in a beautiful box.  A brass key opens the box to a compartment holding your wedding ring (amazing the flaps shield the wedding ring from what?), a regular sized vibrator with a glass enclosure holding a small brass urn with the remains of your loved one.  The key to your heart?  Yes.  Special time with the one you love?  Definitely.  There is even built in speakers with a slot for your iPhone, so you can listen to your favorite tunes, (It's All About The Bass) as you spend "time" with your loved one.  And of course, to make the mood perfect, a scent diffuser helps the mood, using perhaps their cologne, or in my case the scent of bacon.  A small drawer holds keepsakes of the loved one, too small for a golf club but big enough for a few golf tees.

I can't help but imagine the conversation:


Funeral Director, "So have you thought about your husband's last wishes?"
Wife, "Yes, we both decided on cremation, not a casket."
Funeral Director pulls out colorful, glossy brochure.  "A good choice, here are different styles of urns for your loved one."
Wife, looking at brochure.  "Oh, these are way to big."
Funeral Director looking at Wife, "Too big?"
Wife pulls out her 21 Grams box, taking the small brass urn out of the dildo and putting it on the table, "I only need a little bit.  Harold always said a little bit went a long way, just like he will now."  She turns on Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You."
Funeral Director, quickly recovering. "Oh, but there will be quite a bit left over?"
Wife, looking at brochure again, "Oh plastic bag is fine.  We'll be spreading his ashes over Sullivan's Bar."

Sooth those aching muscles with the massaging action of the vibrator, soothe the aches of your heart knowing that you made his famous words come true.  Remember when he'd look at your lovingly and say, "You wanna piece of me?"  Look at your urn gently reminding him with a smile,  "You're always with me, and this time I'm in control."

Called "21 grams" because the human soul weighs 21 grams, I can see a few wives, misunderstanding,  saying, "21 grams?  Please, do you have something holding a pound or so?"

Ready for your 21 Grams?  Then simply click through for ordering information!  Your special someone will be surprised that you are prepared for the future!  21 Grams

Six Phrases that are Better Than "I Love You"

Happy Valentine's Day, a day for lovers.  When you've been married as long as I've been, sometimes you don't need the "I love you."  You'd rather hear:

6.  I cleaned out the dish washer.
5.  You pick the movie tonight.
4. Honey, let me stop and ask for directions.
3. I saved you the last bit of brownie.
2. Folded the clothes sitting on the sofa for three days.
1. I cleaned the boys bathroom for you.

How do I know I've got a good one?

When I am naked in the tub, scrubbing the grime off the walls, and he walks into the bathroom contemplating me on my knees.

"Wow, are you trying to tell me something?"

I turn presenting a nice front as well as back view.  "No, I'm multi-tasking.  Why?"

He pauses for a moment, sighs and replies, "Do you want me to turn on the water yet?

He doesn't say a word when I walk by in a bra and pants because I don't want to get hair dye on my favorite shirt.


Love isn't about roses, or flowers, or chocolate.  It is the little things in life that connect you together. All those little experiences, that when you look back a few years later tie up into a beautiful fabric called Life.

Sometimes the best of love is messy

I may be a romantic at heart, but some of my friends have become skeptic on the definition of love.  Love doesn't always have to be pretty, sometimes it is in the messiest moments that you find true love.  What is love?

Love is that gentle touch that makes you quiver, or the gentle touch signaling they are there.
Love is watching them help a child, and not butting in.
Love is waiting anxiously to see them again.
Love is disagreeing with them, but trying to see their point.
Love is smiling when you think of them and you think of them often.
Love is standing there with the bucket when the flu hits your home.
Love is lying next to them, feeling peace they are there.
Love is waking them up anyway - because you can.
Love is being proud of showing your body to them because they make you feel beautiful.
Love is that long car ride, and not having conversation because it is needed
Love is enjoying that long silent car ride.
Love is watching someone working on something and pitching in because you want to, not because you need to.
Love is admitting you were wrong, and being forgiven.  For real.
Love is being yourself and feeling comfortable around them.
Most of all, love is loving yourself first, this helps you accomplish all of the above.

Nothing like the smell of Snomax in the morning! Can I make it through the first day.

I've been waiting all year for the sound of snow guns going off on the mountain.  You'd think I'd be excited that snow season is starting for us.

I dread it.

No really, you haven't been in my house the first day we go out on the snow.

It is hell.

All of our hats and mittens are supposed to be in the Hats and Mittens bins in the closet.  Unknown to me, the little minions got into those bins several times over the summer and they exploded into the great unknown, along with a few essentials.

Here is my first day on the snow:

Nobody can find a thing.

Since I am the only one with boobs in our household, my family figures  mine will point them to their missing equipment.  While this is happening, I am being followed by minions complaining that they only have one glove, and their facemask smells like butt.  While they are telling me this, the dear wonderful husband is following them explaining, that "all of this costs money, and if you put things back where you found them then they wouldn't be lost, right?  The facemask could smell better if you got it off the floor under your bed and kept it in the Facemask Bin."

No of this helps as I think about hiding in the pantry for ten minutes with a spiked cup of coffee.

One the human homing device finds gloves, hats, facemasks, helmets- we move into round two.

Why do my kids always have this urge to use my husband's stuff.  He puts his goggles on and finds that the lens are scratched.  Turning to oldest child he asks, what happened.
"Oh I had to use them for mountain biking, mine were too small."

Photo Courtesy of  +Brian Twitty 

What?  I got back up to the pantry closet contemplating a shot as my dear sweet husband has a full conversation with the child about how hard he works to get this stuff and someone always uses his stuff and breaks it.  I wonder, "Why in the hell after 13 years do you still touch his stuff?  Why?"

One year my dear sweet husband was convinced that someone stole his ski pants.  After using my double decker homing device while listening to the boys giving suggestions to where his pants could have gone, I find them in the bottom of a drawer.  See, told you the boobs work.

Another year, the kids decided that his ski shirts were perfect for the summer, so the first day of getting everything together I could not find a single shirt for him.  Let me tell you how much fun that is.  This year is was the search for his favorite socks, of course they were in my son's room.

We gather skis, poles, snowboards, helmets, goggles (including scratched ones), gloves, face masks, hand warmers, and all climb in the car heading over to the resort.

I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Mom, I forgot my ski pass at home."

The conversation as we turn around and head back to the house to get the pass consists of "I told you to check and see if you have everything," followed by, "I asked Mom to get it."

Thanks son, throw me under the bus.

Well I could add that shot of whiskey as I go back in the house to get it.

How To Survive PMS

Premenstrual System.  There I said it.  When it hits, it hits hard.  But there is a way to cope with it.

Being together for such a long period of time usually they can sense it the minute we get up.  Here's a few ways to cope with it.

Don't say a word.  Because whatever you say - YOU WILL BE WRONG!  Even if it is right, at that moment you are so very wrong.  Wrong enough to cause red hot fire to exit my mouth as I explain why.

For example, usual phrases take on deadly meaning when spoken during what should be PMS silence:
"Good morning" translates to "We've been waiting too long for you."

"I've never seen that outfit before" translates to "how can that make your ass look so big."

I am always right.  And yes, those Milano cookies do not have calories when I have PMS, so don't even raise an eyebrow as I saunter past carrying the bag, because you will be wrong!

I love my filter, meaning I say what is on my mind, and sometimes that may include listing faults - not my own but everyone else's.  Again, heed the keep your mouth shut rule, I've just lost my filter for a little bit, I'll find it shortly.

It is completely acceptable to see my crying uncontrollably because we do not have any dark chocolate in the house.  Go out and get some chocolate - winning!

Do not let me loose in the Dollar Store, the laundry detergent and dish detergent morphs to include Twinkies, Cheetos, Cheese Dip, and of course Skittles.

When I am talking about something totally irrational, don't problem solve.  Don't say a word.  Because eventually during my long discourse I will eventually solve a problem I never knew I had.

There you have it, it's easy to survive the PMS battle, your best bet:

Don't.  Say.  Anything.

WTF - The Love Edition

Today is my 27th year anniversary.  How do we do it?

He thinks walking into the bathroom and I'm naked on my knees cleaning the soap scum out of the show is sexy.  Yes, because I am multitasking, get it clean then jump and get clean.

He has a stomach of steel.  Yes, I have tried to kill him several times and he lived.

He reads my writing.  Yes, he is one of the people who actually read it.


He went ahead with the insurance policy with out questioning a thing, even when I sent him out in -14 degree weather to shovel the snow.

He still believes me when I say that I don't sweat, I glow!

Books.  Yes, he still lets me buy books.

Anyone that can watch you give birth and still chase you around the couch - definitely worth keeping!

Anyone that can watch you give birth once and still come back and watch again ^^^ yep!

He gets my jokes.  And if he doesn't he acts like he does.  (*smart man*)

He doesn't mind the smell of BenGay!

Whenever I come up with one of my great ideas, he never looks at me like, "Are you F*cking crazy?"

We have a rule of thumb to only yell at each other if the house is on fire.

We never said obey in the vows, we changed that to annoy.

Finally, he knew he was getting a trophy wife and I knew I was getting amazing.........

WTF - Haunted Movie Edition

My boys are moving into the scary movie phase, and I'm dragged along kicking and screaming, or rather sweating as I cover my eyes and peer between a small slit of two fingers.  They love the adrenaline rush of the movies, I try to tell them that real life sometimes is scarier than any movie.

The Shining.  It's about a family stuck in a snowy hotel, where Daddy loses his mind and chases the little boy around the hotel trying to kill him.
"Have you seen my husband after a week of Christmas Break in the snow with our boys?  He makes Jack Nicholson look like Mr. Rogers."

Rosemary's Baby - a tiny little woman learns that she is giving birth to the devil.
OK, in real life I wasn't really tiny, but there were times it crossed my mind that possibly I was the one giving birth to, well, you know.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Freddy Kreuger comes into your dreams and kills you in your sleep.  Luckily for us parents, we never sleep.  We have that psychotic person ALL DAY LONG.

Night of the Living Dead - A group of teens stuck in a farmhouse surrounded by catatonic, stumbling, white faced zombies.  Obviously, this director has not seen my kitchen on a school morning.  PLENTY of catatonic zombies.

Psycho - a crazy man in charge of a hotel, killing off the guests while his crazy mother lives there.  In our family, sure the crazy mother lives there, and once I did spy a child standing outside my shower curtain holding a weapon.  OK, it was a light saber, but it was scary none the less.

The Silence of the Lambs - no one forgets the scene where Hannibal talks to Clarice about the "lambs."  "I am sure you hear the screams of the little lambs as they went to slaughter, didn't you Clarice?"  That does not compare to the screams between two boys when there is only one Chocolate Chip Cookie left.  Or my screams when I realize I forgot to pickup wine at the grocery store.

Jaws - Man eating shark terrorizes a village.  My boys still hum the Jaws theme once a month as I circle the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets in search of sugar.  Of course, they KNOW don't touch the Milano cookies or Momma's going in for the kill.

Halloween - we watch in horror as Michael Meyers stalks and kills kids of Haddonfield, IL.  He hides in closets, behind doors, waiting on unsuspecting kids.  Folks, this happens every day in my house.  There is always a child hiding somewhere jumping out and scaring the crap out of his brother.  Better yet, they both fully enjoy scaring the pee out of me.  Literally.

Friday The 13th - Jason, turned crazy because of his mother, kills all the teens residing at Camp Crystal Lake.  As a mother, I am afraid that some of my decisions may lead to therapy bills in their future, but hopefully never a trip to Camp Crystal Lake.

As you can see, most of the inspiration for the horror movies comes from real life.  These directors take a look at screaming babies and see giving birth to the devil (yes, there are times at 3:30 in the morning we all felt that way,) or wonder as a parent if they are doing the right thing, (though preserving them in formaldehyde after they've died may not be a great idea) down to seeing teenagers and thinking that, "Boy, they really look like Zombies."

Maybe I can watch the new movies my boys are begging to see with a grain of salt.  If you look close enough  - sometimes truth is greater than fiction.

WTF - Packing for a Trip

We are ending up our two weeks at the beach, and I can't tell you how much I hate having to get everything ready for heading to the mountains.  Here's a list of things Mom and Dad need to do:

1.  Clean out the fridge, hear the hubby stand behind me complaining about all the food that got forgotten in the back of the fridge and how much money we are wasting (I could turn with the grey strawberries and offer them to him, but that probably wouldn't go over too well)

2.  Clean out the cabinets wondering who bought the 14 cans of Spaghettios and who was ever going to eat the Kale Chip/Dried Carrot Veggie Snacks, and then remembering in was me in on that first day thinking, "This year we are going to eat healthy, read our books, practice violin AND do math problems EVERY DAY."

3.  Pack up violin, books and Math books with a sigh.

4.  Clear out the bathrooms.  I'm taking all that shit with me.  No I don't mean shit, I mean toilet paper, hand wash, I paid for it, so I'm taking it.

5.  Pack up all the beach crap.  Spend too much time trying to get the sand off of it, then trying to get the sand off of me.

6.  Organizing and packing the trailer full of bikes, kayaks, paddle boards and crap.  It's like a life-size game of Tetriz, and I am losing.

7.  Crawl under couches, beds and chairs - find the pair of nail clippers you've been looking for all week, very happy that you just bought another pair at the store because you couldn't find the original pair, find someone else's sunglasses, happy that you are now ahead.

8.  Take all the stuffed animals won at the cheap arcade and put them in a large trash bag, parade past the children showing them the bag.  Go stuff it in a closet for the next renters.

9.  Pickup all the dog poop in the area from two weeks.  Wonder how so much can come out of such a small creature.

10.  Tell the kids it's time to go.  They explain they are not ready yet.  Ask what they have to do.  They say they have to pack.  Think that's what we've been doing all morning, this is going to take forever.

They're out 5 minutes later after throwing all their shit into their backpack.

It's time to go, one last go through the house, checking dressers, cabinets, refrigerator, dryer, and dishwasher.  When everything is secure, lower the unit temperature and walk out to your truck, pulling a trailer full of crap and head on home.

Return 10 minutes later to the dog waiting by the front door.

WTF - How do you define success?

Everyone has their own definition of success, I thought I would throw a few things out there that put a zippidy do day to my day.

10.  When the pants you put away last summer actually fit, and I mean you are not laying on the floor trying desperately to close the zipper.

9.  When the dog has not decided to get up in the middle of the night and take a shit right next to your bed.  (Think she is trying to tell me something)

8.  When my gas low light dings AFTER I have dropped both children off to school.  Can't be stuck in the car with them saying, "Well, why didn't you get gas before?"

7.  Everyone after a long 7 hour drive in the car emerging alive.  (That takes a lot of restraint)

6.  When you bite into the lemon filled Krispy Kreme doughnut and it doesn't explode down the front of your shirt making it look like you puked yourself.  (I was not successful this morning)

5.  When a friend stops by for a glass of wine and you haven't already poured one for yourself.  At 2pm in the afternoon, on a weekday.

4.  Finding that really cute shirt you bought on the sale at the end of last summer.  Actually, forgetting about the sale and shirt and everything then that Christmas feeling of finding something new with the tags still on.

3.  Finding money in the pockets of everyone else in the family's pants.  Especially after it has been freshly laundered.

2.  Opening the Chateau de Box of wine and finding you still have another glass left.

1.  Someone actually repeating back to you a job you want them to do, especially younger aged children and men married over 10 years.

What do you call a success story?

What did you say?

Just to help you out.  Here are how some comments in my home are tranlated by my Mom Brain.

Significant Other - "Good Morning Sweetie."

Translation - "Why are you standing there eating that Krispy Kreme doughnut, don't you know it goes straight to your waist?"

Child - "What's in my lunch box?"

Translation - did you give me something good or ANOTHER peanut and butter jelly sandwich?

Child - "Why do I have to go to bed now?"

Translation - "I really want to be a jackass in the morning and going to bed early is foiling my evil plan."

BFF - "Would you like a taste?"

Translation - "I know you hate what you ordered for lunch, but you cannot finish off mine."

BFF - "I'm not sure about that one."

Translation - "Those white leggings look like sausage casings on your ass, actually, they may be cutting off the circulation to your cankles.  And believe me the looks you would get wearing that?  You'll thank me for giving you advice."

ME - "I was up all night reading my book."

Translation - "OK, I ending up in a marathon on Criminal Minds, but reading for fifteen minutes before going to bed cancels that brainless activity out."

ME - "You'll eat it and you'll like it."

Translation - "Sure it tastes like shit, I made it.  But someone has to eat it, AND it's is healthy."

ME - "Because I said so."

Translation - "I have no answer, and I'm pissed off.  You'd better stop now before things get ugly."

BFF - "Did you see the new tunics at Bella Nova Boutique?"

Translation - "Obviously you haven't been working on your sit ups - you're gonna need those."

It is easy when you have the translations to understand either:

a.  The look you get from your wife, mother, other.
b.  The slap from said person, or
c.  That silence when you ask "Are you OK?" and they answer, "I'm fine."

Translation - someone is sleeping in the dog house that night and it's not her.

Do you have any translations you would like to add?

Who Needs A Superhero When You Have MOM!

My kids are moving past their wearing the capes to church stage, but every once in a while they ask me what superhero I'd like to be.

I usually say Wonder Woman but

Then a thought came to me:

I am MOM, I am already superhero.

I have xray vision - I can detect a child wearing the same pair of underwear for 7 straight days with just a look.

My vision can find the lost remote stuck between the cushions of the couch, or better yet, when someone puts it in their pocket and it is found BEFORE it hits the laundry machine.

Superbreath - I can take out a group of boys with just garlic bread and pickles - don't tempt me.

Firebreath - I can breathe fire - especially when kids are not ready for school....and yes, it sometimes is real fire.

Wonder Woman had the lasso of Truth - why have a lasso when I have the look of truth.  All I need to do is look at my children a specific way and they immediately spit out the truth, "OK, I know it was wrong.  I was looking at the flaming red stick of wood and wondered what it would feel like, so I put it on my brother's back."

I have Superstrength - yes, you would be amazed at what I can do to get a moldy towel off of a kids bedroom floor.

Able to leap small objects in a single bound, especially if I am stepping on a lego.  I can jump skateboards, and piles of clothes, including a clingy dog to get to the overflowing pot on the stove.

I have an enhanced sense of smell - I can smell a moldy lunch box in the back of my car before it becomes Hazmat.  I can sense whether or not a pair of socks are on their second, or fourth, or sixth rotation.  I can smell test anything coming out of the fridge, especially those that are a day or week past their expiration date (honey, it smells fine!)

I have the Mom Mobile - I can get a kid to school on time even if it means skidding into the carpool line on one wheel with happy Meal toys falling out of the door as he opens it.  Better yet, I have an invisible jet - no one sees me pull in front of the school, push a kid out and keep going - I am that fast.

I have invisibility - I am that nagging voice in my child's head when he thinks about possibly doing something wrong - and oh yes, I nag.

I have Superspeed - you'd be surprised how fast I can run down the neighborhood when someone lets the dog out.

I have a uniform - it has coffee spilled on the front of it, someone's boogers down the leg of the pants, a line of mud from putting bikes into the car, AND something unrecognizable from an exploding lunch box in the back seat of the car.

I have a sidekick - yeah, it's Daddy, and he makes all the jokes of our comic strip.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage - Husband/Wife Edition

Today I celebrate 26 years with a great man who loves me, puts up with all of my crap AND still smiles at me every morning.  How do we do it?  Easy.....



For the Husband:

1.  Don't worry about your socks matching, especially as she gets on in years and can't even see them as she matches them, no one looks at your socks anyway.

2.  The bra hanging on the door knob - she's just reminding you that she's still got it - don't mention it needs a little more underwire than the youthful days.

3.  Dinner is anyway you see it - that burnt food after 26 years - it's just extra flavoring.

4.  There is no perfect way to parent a child - and sometimes duct tape can help you have a casual conversation with your wife.

5.  Say I love you every single day, especially when she asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

For the Wife:

1.  No, you do not look fat in those jeans, and he knows any way he tries to say it will not come out right, just accept the "I love you" and smile.

2.  Great motto for life - always keep your fights on the clean side, and what you do in the bedroom on the dirty side.

3.  He still wants you after watching you give birth, gain then shed 50 lbs AND when you color your hair - you got a good one.

4.  Pick you arguments, the ones that don't matter just smile sweetly and keep what you are saying in your head, in your head.

5.  Starting off and then doing the work to stay friends.  You can tell your friend anything, but if they are married to you you can tell them anything AND they still love you anyway!

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, someone I've been with longer than I've been alone - and that's a good thing.  A lot of people call marriage a work of art - ours will be a masterpiece.

A REAL Mother's Day...

Broke?  Have money but not sure what to buy?  Here's some great free ideas for Mother's Day.

1.  Breakfast in Bed - one year my boys gave me a Miller Lite and a piece of burnt toast for Mother's Day.  Let's be honest, wouldn't you like that better than burnt eggs and weak coffee?

2.  That someone in my home would look at me and say, "Yes, I hear you."

3.  That same someone or maybe someone else will say, "You know what?  You are right.  Stabbing myself in the eye, sniffing the pepper, riding my bike off the pier, eating a whole bottle of Texas Pete was not a good idea.  I'm going to listen to you!"

4.  All the towels on the floor will mysteriously disappear and reappear folded neatly on the towel rack.

5.  I'll go through the morning routine, then stop suddenly and think, "Hey, there wasn't dog poop on the steps.  Did SOMEONE pick it up?"

6.  That I will see the bottom of the coffee cup before it turns cold.

7.  An entire shower of hot water.

8.  That I do not have to hear, "STOP!"  For just one day.....I'm begging.

9.  That there will not be greek tragedy at the dinner table.  You will eat it, you will not complain about it, AND you will like it.

10.  That everyone will come running into the room, sit next to me on the couch and say, "Wow Titannic, that's one of my FAVORITE movies."

The Lost iPhone Adventure

Yesterday we were on the red eye flight from Salt Lake City to Charlotte.  As usual there was total chaos trying to get everyone moving and into the airport.

Setting the scene:

One rental car to return.
Three EVIL bags - bag 1 - 175 lbs snowboard equipment.
   bag 2 -  209 lbs of ski equipment.
   bag 3 - -  heaviest simply full of crap.  Well not exactly crap, but stuff.

Two boys in the back already starting the shoving match before they even exit the car.

Sitting at the departure gate (or bar next to it) I say, "Wow that was painless," reach for my phone and ugh!  Gone!

Wolfgang, my Rainman son has installed "Find My iPhone" on my iPad because I do usually lose me iPhone.  He plays a signal on the phone to see if it is in our bags, but no noise.  He hits "Show" and from a Satellite photo the iphone is sitting in the garage of Salt Lake Airport.

Hubby jumps up - you probably left if in the rental car, let me go get it (isn't he grand?)

As he leaves, my boys are convinced that someone has stolen my iPhone, and they are getting it back.

Here's how they think it goes:

They play emergency signal on the phone, with an emergency note stating, "This is a lost iPhone, please mail to this address."  Another emergency signal, another note, "We are locking this phone so you cannot use it without a password."  They explain to me that the perpetuator is probably bugged by everything the phone was doing and will leave it somewhere - they saved my phone!

How I think it goes:

The hubby finds it in the rental car, alarms start to go off.  Hertz attendants swarm him accusing him of stealing an iPhone.  Another alert pops up, he shows the message and eventually has to pull out his ID to show it's the same last name.  They give him the phone, and as he walks through the airport each alert is loud and clear, causing another stop (and possible strip search) at security.  And many people people to stare at him.  Needless to say, by the time he gets the phone to us, he throws it at us and asks it to stop.

How it really went:

The satellite was right, the red dot in the garage was my phone.  When it moved back to the terminal (as we played the emergency alerts) it went from the rental car to the lock box.  Once in the lock box, it cannot come out until a manager arrives the next morning.  When my husband arrives, they inform him of this then please ask him to turn off what ever is playing all the loud obnoxious sounds.

Find my iPhone - what a great app, I think?

How to avoid the divorce papers......

My Significant Other, with 25 years of marriage under our belt, have learned to avoid the situations that cause divorce.  We thought we would share a few with you, so you can prepare and avoid filing the papers.

Traveling - Anytime there's more than one piece of luggage involved, there's possible divorce papers involved.  Include two kids, security, complete with setting off the metal detectors and leaving a pair of shoes behind (how do you do that) as a wife, you just smile and watch your husband have a total meltdown.  Usually, he is fine once the storm has passed.

Setting up a Campsite - the number of pieces associated with your tent will determine how quickly the divorce papers are filed when setting up a tent.  If there are small pieces to the tent, and small children involved the papers are filed sooner rather than later.  Once when we were camping with several families, as each family arrived  - everyone pulled up their lawn chairs for prime watching as the couple setup their campsite - this included betting on how quickly they would start arguing then start shouting.

Driving Directions - I've learned with this one that my SO will simply go the opposite of what I tell him to do.  Simply smile, wait until he realizes he's going the wrong way, watch him bang on the steering wheel.  Then just to make it even more fun, I'll add, "It says here DEAR, that you were supposed to turn left 5 miles back."



Putting together anything - we're both chiefs so it usually starts with both of us with the dewey eyed look of, "We can do this together," then disintegrating into, banging, throwing of things, then finally me walking away before the lawyer knocks at the door.  Again, the number of pieces and whether or not the directions are written by a Chinese person determine how quickly this happens.  ("Whilst parking the screw into Tab C with the venerable twist....)

The First Day of Ski Season - This is when we look like a three ring circus as everyone starts looking for their ski gear.  Half way through a morning of "Mom, where is," and "Mom where is," my hubby will stand up and make a declaration, "I think someone has stolen all of my gear.  Not a single thing of mine is in the drawer."  He is very happy when he finds most of his stuff balled up and stuffed into the back of the ski drawer - complete with a scratch on his goggles.  The papers come during the walk with all the crap to our locker at the ski resort.

Shopping at Lowes - this is my downfall.  I am a dude shopper - I go, make a beeline for what I want, get it, check out and get out of the store.  My SO has to look through everything in the store, thinking of possible uses for the bits of PVC pipe he found in the discount bin.  My patience wears thin as I wait while we look at different types of nails, kits for the toilet, and how to put in your own water purification system.  After way too much time, with the papers in my back pocket, we finally make it out of the store with only what we planned on getting in the first place.  I honestly feel that I've lost a year of my life standing by a cart in a Lowe's store saying, "Honey, I'm not really sure we need the fake  rock hide a key for our house."

By realizing that these situations happen and taking the appropriate action, you can have a long happy marriage like mine - or at least no one has called their best friend to help them hide the body.  Marriage is a give and take - give a little and sometimes take a shot before the situation because it may help keep the papers at bay.

What are your divorce paper moments?