WTF - Operation Produce Disappearance

Plan A is working perfectly. I'm hiding ONE piece to his ratchet set. Now to work on Covert Operation B.....

Operation Produce Section Disappearance

We are walking around the grocery store and I think, "Oh, I forgot I need Cheetos."

(OK, there are some of us that do NEED Cheetos, don't judge OK?)

I do what any normal person does, goes and gets the Cheetos.

Coming back finding cart is abandoned soI push it further through the store shopping, right?.

There he is:

Me: Why are you in the dog food aisle? We don't need dog food?

Him: I was looking for you.

Me: Why?

Him: Because you were hiding from me?

Mr: Why would I hide from you?

Him: Because that is what you do when we go grocery shopping.

Me: What? I don't hide from you, I'm just grocery shopping.

Him: Oh really? Then why couldn't I find you?

Me: Um, duh, because you were in the dog food aisle and we don't need dog food?

He takes the cart continuing into the Beer Cave, I wait with him as he compares the craft beer against his PBR.

Dang! This is ten dollars more than my PBR!

Then I remember:

"I forgot to get cheese."

Repeat scenario above.

This time he sees me with the cart at the other end of the store and decides maybe if he embarrasses me about hiding behind the dog food while he shops I won't do it anymore.

Him, shouting from one end of the store to the other, "There you are! Where are you hiding now?"

I look at him, oh, two can play at this game, so I shout across the store:

"Getting your jock itch cream!

Muwahahahaha!

Guess I better make sure the will is up to date before I move onto Covert Operation C!

WTF - Yes, you can have a piece of me!

Now that you've given Mom the gift certificate for "V" steaming.  What is V Steam?  Well here ya go:

V Steam is WHAT????

Even though Valentine's Day has passed the next gift is the perfect "I love you" for that special person in your life.

The "Ash Dildo" or "21 grams"

New to the market, this vibrator holds the remains of your loved one in a little compartment inside the dildo, so you can actually still have a piece of them with you.

21 grams combines everything a woman can love in a beautiful box.  A brass key opens the box to a compartment holding your wedding ring (amazing the flaps shield the wedding ring from what?), a regular sized vibrator with a glass enclosure holding a small brass urn with the remains of your loved one.  The key to your heart?  Yes.  Special time with the one you love?  Definitely.  There is even built in speakers with a slot for your iPhone, so you can listen to your favorite tunes, (It's All About The Bass) as you spend "time" with your loved one.  And of course, to make the mood perfect, a scent diffuser helps the mood, using perhaps their cologne, or in my case the scent of bacon.  A small drawer holds keepsakes of the loved one, too small for a golf club but big enough for a few golf tees.

I can't help but imagine the conversation:


Funeral Director, "So have you thought about your husband's last wishes?"
Wife, "Yes, we both decided on cremation, not a casket."
Funeral Director pulls out colorful, glossy brochure.  "A good choice, here are different styles of urns for your loved one."
Wife, looking at brochure.  "Oh, these are way to big."
Funeral Director looking at Wife, "Too big?"
Wife pulls out her 21 Grams box, taking the small brass urn out of the dildo and putting it on the table, "I only need a little bit.  Harold always said a little bit went a long way, just like he will now."  She turns on Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You."
Funeral Director, quickly recovering. "Oh, but there will be quite a bit left over?"
Wife, looking at brochure again, "Oh plastic bag is fine.  We'll be spreading his ashes over Sullivan's Bar."

Sooth those aching muscles with the massaging action of the vibrator, soothe the aches of your heart knowing that you made his famous words come true.  Remember when he'd look at your lovingly and say, "You wanna piece of me?"  Look at your urn gently reminding him with a smile,  "You're always with me, and this time I'm in control."

Called "21 grams" because the human soul weighs 21 grams, I can see a few wives, misunderstanding,  saying, "21 grams?  Please, do you have something holding a pound or so?"

Ready for your 21 Grams?  Then simply click through for ordering information!  Your special someone will be surprised that you are prepared for the future!  21 Grams

Six Phrases that are Better Than "I Love You"

Happy Valentine's Day, a day for lovers.  When you've been married as long as I've been, sometimes you don't need the "I love you."  You'd rather hear:

6.  I cleaned out the dish washer.
5.  You pick the movie tonight.
4. Honey, let me stop and ask for directions.
3. I saved you the last bit of brownie.
2. Folded the clothes sitting on the sofa for three days.
1. I cleaned the boys bathroom for you.

How do I know I've got a good one?

When I am naked in the tub, scrubbing the grime off the walls, and he walks into the bathroom contemplating me on my knees.

"Wow, are you trying to tell me something?"

I turn presenting a nice front as well as back view.  "No, I'm multi-tasking.  Why?"

He pauses for a moment, sighs and replies, "Do you want me to turn on the water yet?

He doesn't say a word when I walk by in a bra and pants because I don't want to get hair dye on my favorite shirt.


Love isn't about roses, or flowers, or chocolate.  It is the little things in life that connect you together. All those little experiences, that when you look back a few years later tie up into a beautiful fabric called Life.

Sometimes the best of love is messy

I may be a romantic at heart, but some of my friends have become skeptic on the definition of love.  Love doesn't always have to be pretty, sometimes it is in the messiest moments that you find true love.  What is love?

Love is that gentle touch that makes you quiver, or the gentle touch signaling they are there.
Love is watching them help a child, and not butting in.
Love is waiting anxiously to see them again.
Love is disagreeing with them, but trying to see their point.
Love is smiling when you think of them and you think of them often.
Love is standing there with the bucket when the flu hits your home.
Love is lying next to them, feeling peace they are there.
Love is waking them up anyway - because you can.
Love is being proud of showing your body to them because they make you feel beautiful.
Love is that long car ride, and not having conversation because it is needed
Love is enjoying that long silent car ride.
Love is watching someone working on something and pitching in because you want to, not because you need to.
Love is admitting you were wrong, and being forgiven.  For real.
Love is being yourself and feeling comfortable around them.
Most of all, love is loving yourself first, this helps you accomplish all of the above.

When was the last time

I am home with my boys pretty much twenty four seven, when I locked myself in the bathroom for a few seconds of peace I wondered.

When was the last time:

I actually fit into my jeans without laying on my back.  Was it before Moe's opened in Winston Salem but after?  Because that could be the culprit.

When did red wine stain my teeth, or when did I actually notice it.  Have I been walking around looking like I below on the street for years?

When was the last time I actually looked forward to putting on a bra?  Because every day I actually look forward to tearing one off and chasing my kids with it as they yell, EWWWW!

When did my sh*t not stink?  Because all of a sudden I'm having hot flashes in the bathroom and they are not the closing in on 50 kind of hot flashes.

When did stretchy pants become my go to apparel?  When I found that paired with the baby doll top I could actually be comfortable and look like a, well, a fat baby doll?

When did I write that blog post?  I don't remember writing it but it is pretty darn funny.

When was the last time someone liked something I cooked?  Oh, that again, was before I had kids.

When was the last time I didn't have to put the toilet seat down?  I got nothing on this one.

When did running turn into work?  When it became my way of weight control rather than enjoying the scenery.

When did the word "Stop" take on a new meaning?  When my kids started using it 1567 times a day and then I catch myself yelling, "STOP!" for them TO STOP!

When was the last time I had a hyper organized, productive day?  Oh yeah, that was 13 years ago before my first child was born.

When did I learn there are so many words, sayings, and emotions that have to do with farting?  When I had boys.

When will I ever learn?

Never.

WTF - Packing for a Trip

We are ending up our two weeks at the beach, and I can't tell you how much I hate having to get everything ready for heading to the mountains.  Here's a list of things Mom and Dad need to do:

1.  Clean out the fridge, hear the hubby stand behind me complaining about all the food that got forgotten in the back of the fridge and how much money we are wasting (I could turn with the grey strawberries and offer them to him, but that probably wouldn't go over too well)

2.  Clean out the cabinets wondering who bought the 14 cans of Spaghettios and who was ever going to eat the Kale Chip/Dried Carrot Veggie Snacks, and then remembering in was me in on that first day thinking, "This year we are going to eat healthy, read our books, practice violin AND do math problems EVERY DAY."

3.  Pack up violin, books and Math books with a sigh.

4.  Clear out the bathrooms.  I'm taking all that shit with me.  No I don't mean shit, I mean toilet paper, hand wash, I paid for it, so I'm taking it.

5.  Pack up all the beach crap.  Spend too much time trying to get the sand off of it, then trying to get the sand off of me.

6.  Organizing and packing the trailer full of bikes, kayaks, paddle boards and crap.  It's like a life-size game of Tetriz, and I am losing.

7.  Crawl under couches, beds and chairs - find the pair of nail clippers you've been looking for all week, very happy that you just bought another pair at the store because you couldn't find the original pair, find someone else's sunglasses, happy that you are now ahead.

8.  Take all the stuffed animals won at the cheap arcade and put them in a large trash bag, parade past the children showing them the bag.  Go stuff it in a closet for the next renters.

9.  Pickup all the dog poop in the area from two weeks.  Wonder how so much can come out of such a small creature.

10.  Tell the kids it's time to go.  They explain they are not ready yet.  Ask what they have to do.  They say they have to pack.  Think that's what we've been doing all morning, this is going to take forever.

They're out 5 minutes later after throwing all their shit into their backpack.

It's time to go, one last go through the house, checking dressers, cabinets, refrigerator, dryer, and dishwasher.  When everything is secure, lower the unit temperature and walk out to your truck, pulling a trailer full of crap and head on home.

Return 10 minutes later to the dog waiting by the front door.

Water Aerobics or Strapping a Noodle between your legs on purpose

I had the inclination to go and try water aerobics.  To be honest when I went to swim laps, I saw this instructor (WOAH) teaching the class.  And Every woman was talking in the locker room afterwards (naked) about what a GOOD instructor HE was.  I had to see what all this water aerobics stuff was about.

I show up in my bathing suit.  I am the youngest person at this class by far.  And that's not a bad thing.

I'm standing by the pool wondering what I do next when, a woman floats by me riding the noodle better than John Wayne.

"Grab a noodle honey, stick in between your legs and get in the water."

I am officially without words for that one.  But I go and grab a noodle, slide it gently between my legs (oh for pete's sake get your mind out of the gutter and back in the pool) and walk into the pool.

Did you know there is an art to righting yourself while riding a noodle in the pool?  Me neither as I slipped a little sideways as I walk down the steps and slip, my face coming up way too close to the crotch of the ONLY guy getting in the water for his water aerobics class.  I knew then to do this class I had to master the noodle immediately.  (oh for pete's sake back in the gutter again?  Get back in the pool!)

We are all floating there, looking at each other.  Waiting.  For something.

"It's 9 o'clock, where is the instructor.  The class starts at 9 o'clock.  Where is she."


Picture some women named Shirley or Gladys, or Mabel.  With a thick New York accent, in a blue tennis skirt style bikini, floating by me in the pool.

"We're not getting any younger here.  I could be dead by the time she gets here."

I'm thinking it is really hard to take her seriously as she is there riding a noodle like Dale Evans (don't know her, go google it, it's safe) her white cap on - the Esther Williams style one with all the little flowers on it (of course you'd never wear that swimming because it's not very aerodynamic) full makeup AND you can smell her perfume.

Obviously, her kids are grown because she expects people to listen to her, whereas my kids never hear a word I say.  (Clean your room, pick the towel up from the floor, don't strangle your brother)

"If she doesn't show up soon, I'm teaching the class myself."

I'd love to see that.  Much to my disappointment, the instructor shows up and we spend an hour riding noodles while waving our arms, scissoring our legs, complete with a few giddy ups from one end of the pool to the other.

Surprise number one - this actually was harder than I expected it to be.

Surprise number two - Shirley or Gladys or Mabel kicked my ass at water aerobics.

May I be as spritely at her age to think that I can ride a noodle, wearing a white flowered swimming cap, full makeup and perfume AND rock water aerobics!

WWMD - What Would Mom Do?

Here is my challenge to other bloggers, in honor of Mother's Day, I challenge you to write a piece about what you mother has taught you and then pass the torch on to all of your blogging and non blogging friends.

My mother passed away a few years ago from brain cancer.  I wish I'd taken the time to sit with her and ask her questions about life, about who I am, and about my family.  There are so many moments in my life where I question my sanity and wish I could just pick up the phone and make that phone call, hearing, "Don't worry.  It's not you.  Boy when you were little you did the same thing."  But instead I focus on those things that I feel she ingrained in me, made sure since she wasn't here a long period of time that I focus on the important things.

There is nothing you cannot do.  Sure Mom was always pushing us, but it was because she wanted more for us, she us to move beyond the street we grew up on, she wanted us to live.  She showed us that she could do the same thing is walking into a new job, a new life and persevering because to her, failure was not an option.  Try bringing home a bad grade in math in elementary school, she taught us early that she expected more from us and wasn't taking no for an answer.  Later in her chemotherapy time she still didn't give up, she decided that sure things may look like shit at the moment, but just being here was worth it.

I'll never forget watching her on that hospital bed playing Uno with my oldest son, listening to him complain that he was losing to her every time because they were "princess cards."  He didn't notice that her head was shaved, that there were tubes coming out of her, he noticed the princess cards because she didn't draw that attention, she simply went on with life.

I love that in her diagnosis we had the gift of time.  We were able to tell her how we felt in those months, talk about different feelings, and most of all hug her.  We didn't mind pushing her around on the red rocker (combination walker wheel chair) we just knew that every moment, every memory we created were special because unlike others out there, Mom had an expiration date.  There was a journey waiting for her that few even knew existed until they were stepping off that ledge.

Have some fun.  Sure, our dogs never sat or heeled or pooped in our yard.  We had hamsters that ran along the top of the kitchen cabinets.  We had birds that flew around the house landing on the dinner table picking the seeds out of the tomatoes.  Our house was never spotless, there was always time to play mermaid on the blue carpet in the basement rather than scrubbing toilets.  Later I remember her running after Wolfgang who was 3 at the time with a Ninja Turtle mask while I tried to get used to another newborn.  She always had time to have fun with her grandkids, a trait I hope to pass on.  We played hard then we cleaned up - it was simple.  Dishes after Thanksgiving, wrapping paper after a birthday, dog poop after a new puppy.  I love how I told her after a few beers to look "casual" going into the hotel to use the bathroom.  Well, she tripped into the hotel lobby, and tripped going back out to the street - both of us laughing.

Don't give up.  Many can decide to live in the life they have.  My mother decided that there was something out there for her and she went for it.  She wasn't looking for romance, she was looking for a partner and she found one.  Someone who sat with her every night drinking a beer talking about their day, someone who enjoyed making homemade soup as much as she did, someone who pushed her in the wheelchair during those years, gently touching her bald head before lightly kissing it.  Someone who took care of her and loved her until the end, loved her so much that he passed of a broken heart 6 weeks later.  Most are not that lucky.

When it is time, it is time.  My mother fought the good battle against a disease that slowly takes the pieces of the person you love and steals them away.  We took her advice when we had to make the hard decisions in her treatment, when we had to bond together and say goodbye.  We knew that she lived life to the fullest and the present condition was not acceptable, we knew that from years of listening to her tell us what she wanted us to do, she was silently telling us it was time.  There was a new adventure awaiting,  time to let her go.  The nurse told us, "She had a strong heart," when she died, we all knew that was true.

I know that we did the right thing, because when I want to call her and ask those questions, I feel a sense of peace.  Leave the dead be, they are in their own place, your job is to live now, is what she always told me.

Oh, and the secret to a clean house?

Lower the shades, they'll never see the dust.

Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

Just a run through the woods

There is no other place like the mountains of North Carolina.  Running is my meditation, time when I can be alone with my thoughts, some great music, and beautiful sights.  Here's some views from the road today.

 Things like this make me stop and pause - Beautiful colors of fire while the cool air surrounds, I continue on.

 The leaves look like they will fall quickly this year from so much rain.  I am blessed with this vista as I start a hill climb, it gives me energy to keep going.

 But the view from the top makes it so worth it.  The clouds moved slowly across our ridge, touching the trees as they went.  Some run for the sport - I run for the sights.

 I even had a visitor.  He didn't move as I got closer and closer to him, snapping pictures along the way.  Only once I had passed did I see the Doe and the baby down the hill and out of sight but under his protection.

It may not have been my fastest run but sometimes when you slow down and really look, you can see beauty all around you.

Be inspired.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage - Husband/Wife Edition

Today I celebrate 26 years with a great man who loves me, puts up with all of my crap AND still smiles at me every morning.  How do we do it?  Easy.....



For the Husband:

1.  Don't worry about your socks matching, especially as she gets on in years and can't even see them as she matches them, no one looks at your socks anyway.

2.  The bra hanging on the door knob - she's just reminding you that she's still got it - don't mention it needs a little more underwire than the youthful days.

3.  Dinner is anyway you see it - that burnt food after 26 years - it's just extra flavoring.

4.  There is no perfect way to parent a child - and sometimes duct tape can help you have a casual conversation with your wife.

5.  Say I love you every single day, especially when she asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

For the Wife:

1.  No, you do not look fat in those jeans, and he knows any way he tries to say it will not come out right, just accept the "I love you" and smile.

2.  Great motto for life - always keep your fights on the clean side, and what you do in the bedroom on the dirty side.

3.  He still wants you after watching you give birth, gain then shed 50 lbs AND when you color your hair - you got a good one.

4.  Pick you arguments, the ones that don't matter just smile sweetly and keep what you are saying in your head, in your head.

5.  Starting off and then doing the work to stay friends.  You can tell your friend anything, but if they are married to you you can tell them anything AND they still love you anyway!

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, someone I've been with longer than I've been alone - and that's a good thing.  A lot of people call marriage a work of art - ours will be a masterpiece.

Hello Menopause, my Old Friend

I'm getting old.

Yes, I have fought it every step of the way, but somehow it caught up with me.

I am getting old.

How do I know?

I am having hot flashes.  

Those feelings I used to welcome when watching Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies but now they come at the wrong time.

When someone wants to give me a hug.

When I have put on that cute dress that just seems to not only soak up the water my body produces but places it in the most inappropriate places, like looking like I've peed myself.

I'm having mood swings.

My husband will say, "Good morning sweetie," and I hear, "Hey lardass how many Reese Cups did you eat last night?"  I know it is not right, but something inside makes me react to that.

Then my kids will do what they normally do - not brush their teeth for 6 days, or take their shoes off in the car when the windows are up or spend the afternoon annoying each other, normally I can ignore this, but all of a sudden I want to become Jason Vorhees and take out a chainsaw  and make they feel sorry they said "STOP" for the 1032th time.

I have a teenage face.

I wish it was the lack of wrinkles, or how nice and tight my skin is, it unfortunately is my skin has decided to errupt with craters bigger than Mt. St. Helenes, and off course mine are not the "I don't see anything zits," they are the "Wow, how many times have you picked at that one," zits.

I have a muffin top.

Is there nothing I can do for this extra layer of fat around my waist?  I am cutting my calories, my only carb is a single crouton once a week.  Some of my sisters nod knowingly with the "Oh, yeah, we tried that too" face but they let me do my pilates, my crunches, my burpees and see the same, "When's the baby due" stomach.

Now if I could take care of the liquid carbohydrates, well, then I'd be back at the beginning of this list and in a much worse mood.

I can't sleep.

Sure I worry about my kids, my job, my mortgages, my muffin top.  When I was younger, I'd wake up thinking, "Was that an axe murderer I heard in the house?"  Now, I wake up thinking, "Was that the dog barfing I heard?"  I can fall back to sleep only to wake up again thinking, "Did I actually post that after two glasses of wine?  or When did I pay the electric bill?"  These mean, just get up because you'll be obsessing about it anyway.

I'm become unsure.

I don't know which mood I hate more - the I want to kill everyone or the I am sliding into the pool of old age mood.  One at least gives me energy, the other just makes me sigh.  But then I look at Sophia Loren and Susan Sarandon and Meryl Streep and I just.....well, sigh.  Maybe the liquid bread is the problem.

I have memory loss.

I forget why I walked into a room.  I forget that my glasses are sitting on my head.  I forget that I schedule a facebook post and then like it because I think it is cool.  I write whole short stories and forget them until I read them a few days later.

I forget where I put my keys, I forget if I washed a pile of laundry until I smell it and as I fall to my knees remember this was on going INTO the washer.  I forget all the reminders school sends home, then forget re-reminders.  Yes, I am that parent begging, "I know it is a week late, but please let me turn in this fundraiser, sure it's a bunch of orders but it's really all my own money but he really wants to do the pig races this year!"

Luckily I know who I am and where I am going - and I do not need GPS to tell me so.  The best part about age is the wisdom that comes with it, so forget all the crappy stuff that comes along and embrace the new and improved you!

What are some of your menopause symptoms?

How to be happy-----really.....

How to stay happy.  That Grey Area style.....

Spend one hour reading through Facebook - you'll soon realize your life is a heck of a lot better than everyone elses.

Don't worry the small stuff unless you are tripping over it on the floor.

Take some "me" time for yourself - usually with a nice glass of red or white or small shot.

Eat Healthy - always tell yourself that Chocolate cake IS healthy - it has eggs, milk - SEE?

Watch what you drink - if you spill it then there is less for you.

Get outside and get some exercise - it is the only time you can really get away from them.  Really.

Live in the moment - going into the past makes you think of all your parenting fails, and going forward moves you into-----teenagers!  Both of which suck the joy out of the moment.

Lie in the grass and stare at the sky - the rest of the family will think you are dead and not bother you.

Open the refrigerator and sweep everything out and into the trash.  You'll feel liberated that you don't have to open that container hidden in the back for the past year.

If you really want to get away to a safe place?  Hide in the laundry room, no one will find you there because you are the only one that really knows it exists.

Remember happiness is not found anywhere except in your mind.  (OK, sometimes in a bottle especially if it is a Magnum, but I digress) so plan on being happy and you know what, eventually you will be!

How do you find happiness?

What were you thinking? Boys logic

I like to think little boys minds are in the growing stage, that explains some of the logic they use for things they do.  Here's a few gems from my boys that make me scratch my head.

The reason the empty carton of orange juice goes back in the fridge is to remind you to pick up OJ.

The wet towel on the floor actually cleans some of the dirt away as you pick it up.

I like tuna fish, let's see if the dog likes it as much as I do.

If you can't find the dishes then technically they don't need to be cleaned.

I am dirtier than you because I am closer to the ground than you.

There is this magical place in our room, it is called the floor.  You drop clothes on in and the very next day they appear back in your drawer folded and smelling very nice.

If you can't smell it then it never happened.

Someone said the orange in Cheetos is real cheddar cheese.

What comes out of the dresser drawer, never goes back in the dresser drawer.

If I open a cabinet drawer, why waste the energy to close it?

If I hit my brother and you don't see it, then it was an accident.

Why can't you check my pockets before you wash the clothes?

If you didn't see the dog eat it, then I finished it just like I said I did.

Why brush my teeth if I'm just going to ruin them by eating breakfast?

Law of Attraction - if my brother has it, even if I threw it away, I want it back.

Girls?  Who needs them - all they do is break your crayons and cry all the time.

That shrug?  It means, "yeah I love you too, now don't make me hug you in public."


What other types of logic would you add?

Happy Mother's Day Shot@Life!

This Post was written for the Shot@Life Mother's Day Meme with Sisters From Another Mister.  I am honored to be one of the 20 bloggers writing posts about Mother's Day.  I really tried to get all mushy and say sweet things about being a mother - but then I realized that I need to be myself.  My post is about those tale tell signs you are a mother.

\

I have made my donation to this great cause because as a mother, I know we want the best for our children and mothers shouldn't have to choose between vaccinating a children and keeping food on the table.  A simple $20 donation can immunize a child for their lifetime!  So if you like this post, share it on Facebook and Twitter and let's start spreading the word!

Want to donate?  See below!

A mother (or mum/mom) is a woman who has raised a child, given birth to a child, and/or supplied the ovum that united with a sperm which grew into a child.  

How do you know you are a Mother?

Grey hair - remember that full head of beautiful hair until - them.  Now most of the hair has either been pulled out (in the beginning by a toddler, later by you) and colored out of a box.

Loss of Hearing - being selective or the constant din of life at home, most Moms are heard saying, "What?"

Nose Protrusion - Do not mess with a Mom on a scent mission - let her move through the house unhindered as she searches out the culprit for "that smell."  And even if you don't smell it, agree with her because when she finds it under your bed, the "I told you so," doesn't last that long.

The slight limp in your walk.  It starts with holding a child in your arms for the first year of their life.  I never realized love handles were actually handles for children to hold onto.  The limp is from favoring one hip for a child permanently bowing one leg.

One arm longer than the other - this is due to spending a lifetime picking up stuff from the floor.

Indentation on your foot - this permanent mark on the bottom of your foot is caused from stepping on something left from a child - a lego, a Barbie Doll shoe, a marble.

Movement - moms are that person standing in the grocery line rocking back and forth.  No, we do not have a child in our arms, but we still rock back and forth - it is a habit we will take with us for the rest of our lifetime..

As a mother, I have each and every one of these traits and I walk proudly with them.  Only other Moms know the hard work and determination that goes into shaping and molding that little ovum that united with sperm into a functioning adult.  We also know that we are not perfect, because being perfect means we are doing something wrong.  Happy Mother's Day to me, I'm going to do what I desire to do on that day - sitting on the couch watching my Duck Dynasty 
marathon while my children work on adding a few notches to their character.

Take that you therapist in the future.

Here is how you can make a difference
Find out more about Shot@Life

Visit Sisters From Another Mister and make your donation now.

The Mothers day meme runs  May 8th and run until the 18th.

We invite you to become part of it.  Write your post about your mother, being a mother or simply Mother's Day. Make a donation of a minimum of $10 linking up your post, (better yet, $20 can immunize a child FOR LIFE)

This is two simple cups of coffee and you've helped a child!

Of course, all donations are tax deductible.

And the Bonus for this meme is that every post and comment will give you an entry into some fun giveaways!

Team ImmUNITY Nicole Morgan – shot@life

A REAL Mother's Day...

Broke?  Have money but not sure what to buy?  Here's some great free ideas for Mother's Day.

1.  Breakfast in Bed - one year my boys gave me a Miller Lite and a piece of burnt toast for Mother's Day.  Let's be honest, wouldn't you like that better than burnt eggs and weak coffee?

2.  That someone in my home would look at me and say, "Yes, I hear you."

3.  That same someone or maybe someone else will say, "You know what?  You are right.  Stabbing myself in the eye, sniffing the pepper, riding my bike off the pier, eating a whole bottle of Texas Pete was not a good idea.  I'm going to listen to you!"

4.  All the towels on the floor will mysteriously disappear and reappear folded neatly on the towel rack.

5.  I'll go through the morning routine, then stop suddenly and think, "Hey, there wasn't dog poop on the steps.  Did SOMEONE pick it up?"

6.  That I will see the bottom of the coffee cup before it turns cold.

7.  An entire shower of hot water.

8.  That I do not have to hear, "STOP!"  For just one day.....I'm begging.

9.  That there will not be greek tragedy at the dinner table.  You will eat it, you will not complain about it, AND you will like it.

10.  That everyone will come running into the room, sit next to me on the couch and say, "Wow Titannic, that's one of my FAVORITE movies."

Time - Is It Real?

Did you know that time is not constant - that time is really in the eye of the beholder.  The only constant in the Universe if the speed of light, and there are some times during my day that I wish I could travel by the Speed of Light.  Here are some interesting facts about time, The Grey Area Style.

You have probably spent close to a quarter of a year of your life standing in the middle of a room wondering why you walked into said room.  

You have spent more time than that going back into the room trying to find the item you originally went into the room to look for.

You have spent more time than that arguing with a child about where exactly they put the item they have currently lost.

You have spent more time than that putting away most of their items including the one that is lost.

You have spent more time that that bending over to pick up items from the floor.

You have spent more time than that walking into a room and sighing then starting to pick up all the items from the floor.


Now that we've put time into perspective here is ways to create more time for yourself.

Let all offended family members look for their own shit.  Have the will power to tell them, "I don't know where it is, go find it" without feeling the guilt that since you put it away you should look for it.

Don't pick anything up in their room - when they need something they will accomplish two things for you - actually cleaning their room and finding the object.

Don't wear your glasses when cleaning - this saves you the time of finding all the nooks and crannies to clean.

Put your sentimentality to the side when cleaning - now is not the time to sit and read through their baby book, you will feel guilty that you dropped the ball at 2 years old and start digging around to find the photographs.

Rather than looking for or calling your children, simply act like you are on an important phone call - their inner radar will have them running to you in no time.

So, since you cannot go back in time (and smack yourself for some of your stupid decisions) don't worry about time because technically, it doesn't exist.  What you see as quality time with a glass of wine could be another Mom's quality time of cleaning out the toilet bowl - or you could save time by tackling them both at the same time - would make cleaning out the toilet bowl a little easier.

And finally, use the age old saying with your family.

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Now go about using your time wisely - get back on Facebook.

Nothing like Epic Style Notes!

Sometimes you need a pick me up for your day.  I thought I would make myself feel better by listing the things of which I have talent:

Losing my phone - I seem to be very talented at this.  My phone's been left on the floor at a New Years Eve Party, thrown out of my pocket on a epic wipeout on a ski slope, taken by a baby and hidden under a couch, and now sits in a lock box in Salt Lake Airport until said manager returns to open said box.  You never know what phone numbers you DON'T have until you lose your phone.

Saying the wrong things at the right time - Sometimes it would be nice to have filters on my mind and my tongue, but then there would be no drama in my life.  This way I can keep things exciting as I dodge the blow of my brother in law for saying something.

Pointing out the Obvious - see definition above.  Standing, not realizing your husband is behind you saying, "I got that cute Abercrombie Shirt for my son on sale for 68.99."  He then has a fit and proceeds to explain that a: they are still growing why buy expensive stuff and, b: The Target one looks exactly the same and c: Don't get him used to expensive brands early, we can't afford it.

Staining - I have the affinity for white, and usually the first day I wear it I spill something like Balsamic Vinegar, or Texas Pete Hot sauce or Easter Egg dye.  Then I find out I am equally talented at not being able to get the stain out of my shirt.  I am also equally talented and accidentally dropping a new pair of jeans in with stained shirt so I can wear it again.

Falling with style - I fall.  Yes, I fall alot.  But I've made it such an art form I've heard guys yell, "TEN" by the side of a ski slope.  Other runners stepping over me by the side of the road.  Finally, I've won the  award for quickest get up off the ground/ego check on trail running.  If you are going to fall, then fall with style is what I say.

Asking Silly Questions - since most of my family members consider the uterus to be a homing device, I'm always asked there things are when lost.  One of my favorite answer is a question, "Where did you lose it?"

Selective Hearing - I am very good at looking directly at the person talking, looking enthusiastic, shaking my head, then repeating the last word of their sentence.  Even when I have no clue what they are talking about.  This condition steps up a notch in talent when talking about number..

Stalking - I'm a very good stalker on Facebook.  Boy am I glad that there isn't an app to see who's viewed your profile - I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Embarrassing my children - this requires a lot of work, because children are very sneaky to get away from Mom when their friends are around.  My saving grace is the carpool line where they have to wait outside with their friends, I can casually stick my head (with my cowboy hat) out the window and yell, "Come on little podna!  We've got some wrasteling to do."

Being Me - finally, it's easy to conform to what other people think you should see/do/be, but I'm much better at being me.  I'd rather be unique than be a clone.  As Abraham Lincoln once said on the internet, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

What would you add to the list?