WTF - Operation Department Store Camouflage

My husband and I love shopping together, I think.

We ended today with him saying, "What happened to you? Where did you go?"

But, let me back up to:

Operation Clothing Rack Camouflage.

My version of what happened: 

I am the rabbit of shopping, I can scan and pick through a clearance bin within ten seconds knowing exactly what I want.  My husband is the turtle, looking at each piece, checking quality, reading laundry instructions AND determining best price.

I get bored waiting while he ponders 200 different ties, so I say, "Love of my life, I'm going to walk through the women's department."

It doesn't take me long to find the perfect shirt.

I try it on, it fits perfectly and is on SALE! It only took me fifteen minutes.

I go back to the ties, where did he go?

Walking around the department store I finally find him wandering like a zombie in the perfume second.

Why is he giving me the stink eye?

"Hey sweetie, look what I found on sale! Did you find anything?"

"No," he says.

"Really? But you had plenty of time?"

His Version:

He is looking for the best bargain in the clearance rack of ties.

I sabotage his search when he turns and I'm gone.

Where did I go?

He starts walking through the department store looking for me.

Was that me ducking behind an underwear clad mannequin cackling wildly?

Maybe I put on some of the department store clothes, camouflaging myself in a clothing rack?

Maybe I'm sitting in the middle of a circular clothing rack watching him walk by?

Could I be taking a nap in the ladies dressing room?

Where did I go?

Finally after all morning looking for me, he finds me walking to him without a care in the world holding a shirt.

Will she apologize for hiding from me?

"Where have you been?" she asks.

"Looking for you. Let's go."

"Did you find anything?" She asks.

"No," he says.

"Really? You had plenty of time?"

He thinks I'm keeping a few price tags in my pocket so I can attach them to my shirt and act like a mannequin hiding from him the next time around.

My evil plan for domination is WORKING!

WTF - Operation Produce Disappearance

Plan A is working perfectly. I'm hiding ONE piece to his ratchet set. Now to work on Covert Operation B.....

Operation Produce Section Disappearance

We are walking around the grocery store and I think, "Oh, I forgot I need Cheetos."

(OK, there are some of us that do NEED Cheetos, don't judge OK?)

I do what any normal person does, goes and gets the Cheetos.

Coming back finding cart is abandoned soI push it further through the store shopping, right?.

There he is:

Me: Why are you in the dog food aisle? We don't need dog food?

Him: I was looking for you.

Me: Why?

Him: Because you were hiding from me?

Mr: Why would I hide from you?

Him: Because that is what you do when we go grocery shopping.

Me: What? I don't hide from you, I'm just grocery shopping.

Him: Oh really? Then why couldn't I find you?

Me: Um, duh, because you were in the dog food aisle and we don't need dog food?

He takes the cart continuing into the Beer Cave, I wait with him as he compares the craft beer against his PBR.

Dang! This is ten dollars more than my PBR!

Then I remember:

"I forgot to get cheese."

Repeat scenario above.

This time he sees me with the cart at the other end of the store and decides maybe if he embarrasses me about hiding behind the dog food while he shops I won't do it anymore.

Him, shouting from one end of the store to the other, "There you are! Where are you hiding now?"

I look at him, oh, two can play at this game, so I shout across the store:

"Getting your jock itch cream!

Muwahahahaha!

Guess I better make sure the will is up to date before I move onto Covert Operation C!

WTF - Keeping It Real and Keeping It Safe

Some mornings you just have to love your Facebook feed, two stories completely related right next to each other!



The First was this story about a woman asking firemen to remove a chastity belt.  Why am I talking about this story?  Here's some of the details:

One story said she was 60 years old and wore the belt to stay pure.  Honey, you are sixty, is staying pure so high on the list? Could leather and steel really be comfortable for that long?

Then it said, she walked into the station wearing the belt. With anything else?  What were the firemen thinking when she said, "I need help breaking the lock on my Chastity belt."

Why did she need help breaking the lock?  Well, she lost the key.  Wow, there are lyrics to a good Country Music song in there, but then think about it - she was sixty. I've been losing my phone since my early teens? A tiny Chastity belt key?

Of course I did search whether or not these things were still for real, and in case you need one, well, here ya go!  CLICK HERE.  I may be a little worried about the one review mentioning the key broke the first time they tried it in the lock. At least the fire station is only 5 minutes away.

Upon my search, chastity belts run from 6.59 to over 400 dollars. I can see a younger version of me, say, like 59 years old saying, "Honey, I'm sorry. I have a chastity belt on, but don't worry, I bought the cheap one only 6.59!"

Of course perhaps I could use the belt, "Honey, you said you would fix the drain on the sink in the bathroom, well, I lost my key down there."

***

Then I scroll down to the product I'll actually use.  This lock doesn't have a key, it has an APP!  Controlled by your phone, who needs keeping up with a key.

Who am I kidding, I think my chastity went by the way of the dinosaur legions ago.

Then I think, I really could use this product. 

Easy locking.
Controlled by a phone app so no lost keys, I only lose my phone occasionally
Keeps everything safe
Lifetime guarantee!!!

The App is designed for you to set a goal before you reward yourself, you could could set a goal of cleaning house for 1 hour, or maybe putting in 10,000 steps, or maybe finishing that book!

You know you want it too!  Click here for this amazing product!

Yes, the smart cookie jar!  Tuck away the cookies, the candy (Not the chastity belt candy) the TV remote, the KY, the gaming controller until you app tells you the coast is clear.

At least we don't have to get the fire department involved with this one.

Unless they have a sweet tooth like me.

WTF-Love Lessons

"What?"

Yes, that's the word that usually defines my relationship with the hubby.  Today was just another ordinary case of WTF.  Our son was invited to a birthday party of a friend in TN, of course he wanted us to take him there, but needed us to conveniently disappear because his girlfriend was there as well.  I put the address in the GPS.

339 KELWEN PRIVATE DR  (address made up so you don't stalk the poor folks)

Off we go.

It is a nice family drive of us telling the boys to look out the window of the car at all the amazing sights of TN:

Look!  There's a guy walking by the side of the highway with no shirt and his butt crack hanging out!
Look, can you believe they fit that many cars in their front yard.
Look!  Anyone want a "meat and three" for lunch?



Along with the Look! There's Bristol Motor speedway!
Look at how soft the mountains are!

What should have been a 45 minute drive turns into an hour and a half as we turn on this lonely road climbing a mountain.

Should we be climbing a mountain?  Maybe the lake is on the other side.
Wow, that's a lot of trailers, the son says nervous.
Look at all the barbed wire fence, and big dogs, the other son says.

I'm remaining calm, thinking maybe we have to go through the drug neighborhood getting to the lake on the other wide, but the GPS says, "You have arrived at your destination."

We look at the run down mobile home, fenced with dogs barking, confederate flag, old toilet sitting in a pile of garbage in the driveway.  I check the text message again,

339 KELWENS PRIVATE DRIVE.

I look at the sign.  339 KELWEN PRIVATE DRIVE.

That's when my hubby looks at me, "Did you forget the S?"  The curtains in the mobile home move probably someone deciding if they needed the shotgun or not.

Uh.

He doesn't scream.  He quickly throws the car in reverse as one child says, "look their front door is opening" and we get out of there.  I add the "S" to the address and we are 45 minutes BEYOND where we are supposed to go.

Love means being totally pissed off with your wife's "WTF" moment, quietly driving the extra 45 minutes back to 336 KELWENS PRIVATE DRIVE.  Sure you could cut the silence with a knife, but it was better than beating on the steering wheel and yelling.

We pull in and the group of 8 14yr olds are getting ready to go out on the boat, our son looking at us like, "You can disappear now" as he jumps in the boat putting his arm around his girlfriend.  We watch the boat pull off, the hubby saying, "Well we gave him confidence, now didn't we?"

We plan on going to Abington VA, visiting a restaurant, hiking, just killing time until the birthday party is over, but our hosts have other plans.

"Oh no.  You are not leaving. We were just making cocktails." They grab for the truck keys. I don't know these people.  But a lake, a boat, and the word cocktails, hell, I'm in. Hubby looks at me, shrugs, love means just going for it and being pleasantly surprised in the end.

We relax on the dock, then when we mention we were going someplace for lunch, they do what most Southerners do, "Oh, we'll just put you in the boat and motor over to the marina."  This is said matter of fact, there is no choice, you are going to have fun whether you want to or not.

I am reminded how couples do it together as we sit and visit with people we hadn't plan on meeting when we woke that morning.

"Honey, remember we're going to that BBQ later, don't drink a lot you don't want to peak before the party."  A new word for me as I laugh, peak.  Ha ha, I thought that meant nap time. I think back to times at the Skybar when my hubby says, "Don't forget we're supposed to go to Greg's for dinner tonight."  Oh, and I might have peaked.

"He was cutting the lawn with the zero turn mower and wanted to cut LOVE in for me, but all he got was the L.  I knew what he meant."  Sweet sentiments, I still have our wedding certificate where he got my name wrong and my age because he was nervous.

Usually in our time together, I'm caught saying, "Oh crap.  Did I screw up again?"  Love means not saying, "YES!" just quietly undoing any damage done.  Usually this entails something fun in the end.

We laugh, enjoying time on the boat, the day warm but a nice breeze makes it comfortable.  Our other son is playing in all the leftover childlike fun of a house at the lake, cleaning out a tree house, hitting golf balls, jumping off the dock.

Our host pulls out a bottle of 15 year old unfiltered bourbon, my hubby whispering to me, "That's a 425 dollar bottle of bourbon."  Opens it for a taste, we're shocked.

"Friends have been giving us this every year for staying at our home during Bristol races.  Our friends come over and we can drink it in a night, didn't know it was the good stuff.  We're used to the cheap stuff."

Wife looks at hubby, "We're not going to the BBQ now are we."  She looks at me sighing, "When you are together for a long time, it is just too tiring getting irritated with the things that used to get you irritated."  Wise words, my friend, wise words.

Love is recognizing that plans change and rather than fighting it, just going for it.  We settle tasting one of the best bourbons I've ever had, enjoying the company of two strangers now friends.

The boat comes back and all the kids get into Ultimate Frisbee, I watch my son and his girlfriend sitting on the deck, talking and holding hands.  Love is those quiet times just being together.

We stay as long as we can, telling both disappointed boys it really was time to go.  My son and girlfriend walk to our car out of sight, I know is his first kiss.  I sigh.  Love is remaining calm and happy remembering your first kiss.

On our drive home, one son exhausted from playing, the other with a slight smile on his face, my hubby driving, the Super Moon appears, I think, well, today certainly did not turn out the way I expected. We learned new things about Tennessee, Google Maps, check your addresses, what a good bourbon tastes like, and witnesses our son's first kiss!  Plan B was never so exciting.

Dear Tinder User

With a single girlfriend, she showed me her Tinder profile, just to have a little lookee around and of course, like most of the female population of the world I was blinded.

Here's a few suggestions for the Tinder users:

1.  Pictures of you with the Hooter girls.  Guess what, that doesn't work!  I know you go to Hooters because of their special "Fish Sandwich" (which I heard is the bomb) but don't let us know on Tinder.  Maybe I'll see if there are girls on there with pictures at Big Peckers (which is an actual restaurant.)

2.  Pictures with the pals - I know you want to come across as a fun guy, but the pictures of you with your pals confuses us.  Which one is Gary, age 31 of Welcome, NC?  What if I pick the wrong one then get the surprise of my life?

3.  Pictures with your Mom - I know you are presenting a "softer" side but a Momma's Boy?  Really? We, as girls, can put pictures of us with our Moms because we're showing you what we will look like in 30 years.  Hot!  You are using Tinder to find the perfect mate right?

4.  Puppies.  Puppies are used to lure strangers into cars, not girls to calling you on Tinder.  That being said,  we do say, "Aww look at those puppies" before we pass you by.

5.  Guns and Amo - Maybe this appeals to some, but holding the dead deer with the AK47 is not really a turn on.  Makes me think I may be stepping into a Criminal Minds episode.  Think, what type of female are you attracting, especially if you break up after one date (another Criminal Minds episode comes to mind.)

6.  Just your abs - OK, my first thought is that this is possible false advertising.  If he just showing his six pack bare perfect abs, then what does his face look like?

7.  Just your guns.  The gun thing was discussed above, this time I am talking about your biceps, again, I go back to the same thing, if you are not showing your face, there is a reason.  And I am not going to find out that reason!

8.  Pictures of you in your bedroom.  Especially if it is messy.

9.  Sunglasses.  I know that Dale looked cool in the shades, but on Tinder we are looking for the full package.  Is there a black eye behind those glasses, was it from the hands of your girlfriend?  Wait a minute, you have a girlfriend?  Why are you on Tinder?  Pass.

So if you need help finding your sole, I mean soul mate, I can help.  I didn't find my mate on Tinder, but he certainly is a good catch!

For The Love of Food

In the Melang household we have two very different types of cooks.  We have the gourmet cook and the Mom cook.

My husband is the gourmet cook.  His masterpieces are slow and steady cooking, finding unusual ingredients, and fantastic.  He loves homemade food, with the arrival of a meat slicer for Christmas is now into homemade lunch meats.  Sometimes this has its drawbacks.

He hung 5 pieces of filet mignon from our dining room chandelier for one week, drying the meat out in a South African Biltong type of way.  I lost a few friends when they came to visit, walking through the kitchen door to me standing with a butcher knife in hand and raw meat hanging to dry.  Of course, they left before I could explain.

Curing his own bacon from pork belly was another chandelier experiment.  Once explaining to my friends that I was not a serial killer, I invited them back again.  This time they came through the door to my husband slicing beef on his slicer with raw pork hanging from the chandelier, never saw them again.

He sometimes gets caught up in his cooking.  I remember once watching him massage spices into a piece of meat and actually getting a little jealous.

He gets hyper focused on what he is cooking.  Meaning dinner is handmade pork belly.  That's it.  If we have company (those that still come to the house) I have to prepare the sides.

You can sense a love of the process in his cooking.  It is his way to relax on the weekends.  I can't complain because not only do a get a break, but I get great food in the process.  Though my pants have been a little tight lately.

My cooking is Mom cooking, translating into 30 minutes or less, 3-4 ingredients and as few dirty dishes as possible.  I developed this type of cooking when my children were born, because keeping a toddler from trashing your kitchen and trying to cook a gourmet meal did not work well together.  Dinner had to be fast and pretty simple.  Explaining to a 10 year old that I worked on the Gohbi Aloo for several hours and the garam
Masala is a great taste is a guaranteed push the plate away move.  Their rule of thumb is if they cannot pronounce it, then they will not eat it.  However, making your own spaghetti sauce in 30 minutes for the pasta is a guaranteed crowd pleaser, I of course plan the nutritional meal, actually adding the salad, and, of course, the dessert.

Anytime you come to visit the Melang house, you should expect a great meal.  Sometimes things may take a little time, but short or long it is always worth it.

If you like food as much as I do, check out The Hundred Foot Journey by Dreamworks, staring Helen Mirren, a great story of a love of food, with beautiful scenery and cooking scenes that will make your mouth water. Not only does it make me want to visit the countryside of France, not just for the good food, but the beautiful outdoor markets.   Currently the hubby is looking into the possibility of making Indian food.  Someone told me this could take days.

Here is a link to the movie.  The Hundred Foot Journey

Sometimes the best of love is messy

I may be a romantic at heart, but some of my friends have become skeptic on the definition of love.  Love doesn't always have to be pretty, sometimes it is in the messiest moments that you find true love.  What is love?

Love is that gentle touch that makes you quiver, or the gentle touch signaling they are there.
Love is watching them help a child, and not butting in.
Love is waiting anxiously to see them again.
Love is disagreeing with them, but trying to see their point.
Love is smiling when you think of them and you think of them often.
Love is standing there with the bucket when the flu hits your home.
Love is lying next to them, feeling peace they are there.
Love is waking them up anyway - because you can.
Love is being proud of showing your body to them because they make you feel beautiful.
Love is that long car ride, and not having conversation because it is needed
Love is enjoying that long silent car ride.
Love is watching someone working on something and pitching in because you want to, not because you need to.
Love is admitting you were wrong, and being forgiven.  For real.
Love is being yourself and feeling comfortable around them.
Most of all, love is loving yourself first, this helps you accomplish all of the above.

A Woman Marries Herself?

You can't make this stuff up!  A woman, growing frustrated at being single for 6 years decided to marry herself.

No, really, click HERE

So she can effectively tell people she is "married."

My first question with this is:

If she was frustrated with being single, does changing her status to "married" make it any easier to find a mate?  I'd think most people seeing "married' figured run do not walk to the nearest exit.

She proposed to herself on a park bench.  Was it a surprise?  Did she have to think about it?

How did shopping for the ring go?
"How do you like this one?"
"I would like a larger stone, surrounded by two smaller stones."
"OK, only for you my love, whatever you wish.
----Kay Jewelers employee shaking her head.

Did she hire a wedding planner?  When she booked the venue, how did she present the idea?

"Myself and I are excited to get married at this beautiful venue.  We decided after looking at several places, and a long discussion that this place is perfect!

She said her vows in front of 50 friends.  Did she include the "obey" part of the vows?  Or did she write two separate personal vows, one for herself and one for her other self?

Then I think about her 50 friends, receiving an invitation:
You are cordially invited to the marriage of
Kelly Melang to Kelly Melang
Ceremony at the Mirror of St, Anne's Church
Reception in the buffet room of St. Anne's Mental Ward.
Registered at Target and Target

Then of course, she kissed herself in a mirror, to cement the joyous union!  I remember doing this as a teenager, but I was practicing for the first time I was kissed.  Was this the first time she was kissed?

Oh and let's not forget the wedding night.  She lays by herself in the wedding bed thinking,

"That was it?"

Years go by.  Years of looking at the wedding album, buying herself the paper for her 10th year, saying to herself, "How many more years until the diamond?"

Then after her silver wedding anniversary, she has a mid life crisis and decides to separate herself?

Who will take the house?  The Wedding Silver?  The Miata Convertible? The children?

And how can you have "Irreconcilable Differences" with yourself?

How does that court room appearance go?  Who's the ex?

Then someone comes along and proposes, she'll explain, "Oh, I was only married once before.  But we don't have to worry about my ex.  I know her really well."

WTF - The Love Edition

Today is my 27th year anniversary.  How do we do it?

He thinks walking into the bathroom and I'm naked on my knees cleaning the soap scum out of the show is sexy.  Yes, because I am multitasking, get it clean then jump and get clean.

He has a stomach of steel.  Yes, I have tried to kill him several times and he lived.

He reads my writing.  Yes, he is one of the people who actually read it.


He went ahead with the insurance policy with out questioning a thing, even when I sent him out in -14 degree weather to shovel the snow.

He still believes me when I say that I don't sweat, I glow!

Books.  Yes, he still lets me buy books.

Anyone that can watch you give birth and still chase you around the couch - definitely worth keeping!

Anyone that can watch you give birth once and still come back and watch again ^^^ yep!

He gets my jokes.  And if he doesn't he acts like he does.  (*smart man*)

He doesn't mind the smell of BenGay!

Whenever I come up with one of my great ideas, he never looks at me like, "Are you F*cking crazy?"

We have a rule of thumb to only yell at each other if the house is on fire.

We never said obey in the vows, we changed that to annoy.

Finally, he knew he was getting a trophy wife and I knew I was getting amazing.........

WTF - Why I Don't Buy Nice Things......

I always wondered why my mother never invested in a couch for our downstairs, how our couch started fraying at the edges, smelling slightly like sweat, and eventually needed a book under it because one of the legs broke.

Now I understand.

Kids wreck things.

Specifically kids wreck YOUR things.

The amount of trashing an item is in direct proportion to how much you paid for the item.

T-shirt picked up at consignment store - they'll spill some tea on it.

Expensive blouse bought for a cocktail party - they'll accidentally squirt soy sauce on it, or better yet, they'll spill their Red dye Number 5 Tummy Yummy down the front of it before you leave for the party.

It always goes the same:

"Mom, let me use your iPod/iPhone/Computer/GPS/Garmin?"

"No, because you'll break it.

"I will not!  I swear I will be careful, I will be SUPER careful.  PLEASE!"

"No."

"Come on Mom, I need it for my homework/essay/life well being."

"OK, but please, please be careful."

Child gets the item, then will usually do something like:

"I don't know what happened, it just dropped."

Me, "What did you press?"  Them, "Nothing I swear."  Me, "Why is everything resetting?"

me, "What happened to my iPod/iPhone/Computer?"  Them, looking at me stupidly.

I think all adults should be tased when they think about giving their child  their expensive item - because we fall for it.  Every.  Single.  Time.  .

Here's why we do not buy expensive stuff:

Kids will spill their Blue Icees in your brand new car with the tan interior.
Kids will pull your Beats headphones out by the cord until it tears.
Kids will wear your expensive running shoes then end up playing in a creek.
Kids will keep pressing buttons on your electronics until they don't work.
Kids will stuff their mouth full of goldfish and then sneeze in the backseat of your car.
Kids are holding the cabinet door, "I don't know how it came off the hinges."

So that couch stayed in the basement until we all were gone to college.  That couch held a lot of secrets from my teenage years, some consisting of throw up and others well, never mind.  My mother was smart as I watch my son dump his red Kool Aid onto my new leather couch.

WTF - You Named Yours That?

Readers beware - this post contains words such as penis and vagina.  Oh wait, I think I was trying to say it was PG-13.  Maybe because it contains the words penis and vagina.

Everyone has special names in their lives.

Our significant other can be our "Pookey Bear," or "Smoochie Pants."

Makes me wonder if the trend of naming that Thang (you know THAT thang, down there Smoochie Pants) is still in full force.

Don't get me wrong.  We had our pet names for IT.  Something we used and laughed about in the early days of dating and marriage.  Then we simply stopped using them, or maybe forgot about them.

Secretly I think childbirth makes parents look at all of that plumbing in a different way.  How can you still call that part that created half of the miracle screaming in the crib My Dingaling? Or The One Eyed Wonder Muscle?  Plus as parents some of us even use funny names for our child's parts as they grow up (Hoo Hah, Tinkleman, Penis.)  Finally, with changing diapers and looking at that stuff all day - it kind of takes away the fun of MR. Fancy Pants.  When Mom and Dad hit the sack (and not for sleep) they usually don't go for the cuteness of, ""Is Mr. Fancy Pants ready for some Loosey Goosey to come and visit?"

So in homage to all those out there, I took a silent poll of friends asking if they still, well, you know, have a name.  Surprisingly all said YES!  And some shared:  (Disclaimer, in no way does any of these names resemble anyone I know willingly or unwilling.  And not a single one is MINE!)

No, I am not talking about the fur burger or baby cannon, the kidney poker, or joy stick.  I'm talking about real names!

His:  Mr. Rogers   Hers:  Kitty Kat

His:  Pelvis   Hers:  Pussilla

His:  O'Toole   Hers:  O'Hare

His:  Dickey  Hers:  Honey

His:  Lord Voldemort   Hers:  Hermoine

His:  Skinny   Hers:  Hairy

His:  Moonshine   Hers:  CuntryPie

If you don't have a name and decide you can always go with movie names to get a good laugh.  Some of my girlfriends had me in stitches:

No Country for Old Men
The Abyss
The Never Ending Story
Taken
 Of course, Take 2

Now for the guys:  (disclaimer, this my girlfriends list)

GoldFinger
Lethal Weapon
The Hobbit
Easy Rider
The Never Ending Story

and we all laughed on:  Gone in 60 Seconds

So lighten up and have some fun.  Really, get back to those days when you used to chase each other around the house saying "Mr. HooHah has a story to tell Starshine!"  But of course make sure the kids are either a:  Asleep or B: at a friends because That Grey Area is not responsible for any therapy bills resulting from the above story.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage - Husband/Wife Edition

Today I celebrate 26 years with a great man who loves me, puts up with all of my crap AND still smiles at me every morning.  How do we do it?  Easy.....



For the Husband:

1.  Don't worry about your socks matching, especially as she gets on in years and can't even see them as she matches them, no one looks at your socks anyway.

2.  The bra hanging on the door knob - she's just reminding you that she's still got it - don't mention it needs a little more underwire than the youthful days.

3.  Dinner is anyway you see it - that burnt food after 26 years - it's just extra flavoring.

4.  There is no perfect way to parent a child - and sometimes duct tape can help you have a casual conversation with your wife.

5.  Say I love you every single day, especially when she asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

For the Wife:

1.  No, you do not look fat in those jeans, and he knows any way he tries to say it will not come out right, just accept the "I love you" and smile.

2.  Great motto for life - always keep your fights on the clean side, and what you do in the bedroom on the dirty side.

3.  He still wants you after watching you give birth, gain then shed 50 lbs AND when you color your hair - you got a good one.

4.  Pick you arguments, the ones that don't matter just smile sweetly and keep what you are saying in your head, in your head.

5.  Starting off and then doing the work to stay friends.  You can tell your friend anything, but if they are married to you you can tell them anything AND they still love you anyway!

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, someone I've been with longer than I've been alone - and that's a good thing.  A lot of people call marriage a work of art - ours will be a masterpiece.

How Dogs Rule the World

My husband and my dog have this love/ hate relationship.  It all started with a trip to the shelter to "look" at animals.

Do you ever go to the shelter to "look" at animals?  Well, needless to say as we were looking at dogs, this little ball of fluff was dropped off at the door, came in and jumped in my lap.

Oh boy.  I am so busted.

How will I tell my "no dogs for this family" husband?

After several arguments, and one night of sleeping in the car with this cute little ball of fluff.  We brought home ShawneeHaw our Maltese/Terrier mix from the shelter.

How did she reward my husband with his decision to relent and get a dog?

We told him that getting a shelter dog is cheaper than a pure bred dog.   ShawneeHaw tested positive for heart worm AFTER we got her home.  $800 and 30 days of keeping a puppy calm 24/7 she busted that myth.  

And to further bust that myth, she ingested some type of poison and with a $2400 vet bill later, she felt fine but my hubby mentioned his "wallet felt a lot lighter."

We promised that he would have nothing to do with the dog, he holds us to it:

1.  He walks by and says, "Kelly there is dog crap on the floor, who's cleaning it up?"

2.  He stands there in the kitchen, "Kids this is your dog, has anyone fed it?"

3.  He sits on the couch reminding us that SOMEONE needs to walk the dog.

So she rewards him by bonding with him, here's how our shelter dog treats my husband:

1.  He sits on the couch and she is immediately lying on the cushion behind his head.

2.  She picked his expensive favorite pair of shoes to chew part of the buckle off.

3.  Whenever he is cooking she is standing there leaning on his leg begging until the cooking is done.

4.  In our bed, she is curled up on top of his head on the pillow.

So the dog that he didn't want has now bonded with him, and goes crazy only when HE gets home from work.

When we're not watching, I watch him let the dog in his lap and whisper sweet nothings in her ear.  When I am looking I am told that the dog is MINE and by the way, there's some crap on the floor.

Oh, and the dog?  She just ate 6 Slim Jims - pray it's not another trip to the vet.

Does your dog rule the home?

I am getting old - Vajazzle?

Sometimes you are taught things that stick with you, or should I say stick on you.  Today I learned about Vajazzle - and I thought you, dear readers could help me process this information.

Vajazzle,  definition please.

Vajazzle, a new form of body art where decorative jewels are fastened to the vagina.  So here's where I'm a little stuck----pun intented.

How are the beads stuck to the vagina.  Are they super glued and therefore have a short shelf life, or are they permanently attached, where your beautiful butterfly vajazzle turns into a hawk with a fish hanging from its beak due to gravity?

Are the beads smooth?  If they are real jewels, with values and edges, then do they get stuck on stuff?  What if you have to go to the bathroom really bad and your panties are stuck on a vajazzle---do you rip them or rip, well......

And what about the fun we like to have, not just vajazzling?  Will it cut you?  Will it cut them?  What if a bead falls off during the process, if it has value - who gets to keep it?

I am assuming from the pictures I've seen, vajazzling requires no hair.  Wouldn't it be cool to create a fairy vajazzle, where the jewels are little fairies peeking out of the bushes?

If you are smooth as a baby's bottom for your vajazzling session - how do you stay smooth?  Tweezers?

What about the single girl and the vajazzle?  How do you explain that to the new man in your life, "Prepare to be dazzled!"  I can only imagine the look on his face on your wedding night when he sees your vajazzle of black and white "Just Married!"

I so enjoy my time at the OB, so much so that I think I need to spend a few hours with someone I don't know staring intently at my hoohee holding tiny little jewels?  Yes, that will make me very comfortable.

How did they come up with vajazzling.  Did someone look at their bedazzle kit, naked, then look at their vagina and think, "I need to staple a few of these beads there, wouldn't THAT be FUN?"

When these exciting new trends surface, they remind me that I am getting old.  Old because my vagina looks pretty good as is, I don't need to vaginercize it into shape, nor do I need to vajazzle covering up a few wrinkles.  I am lucky to have a great man in my life that thinks my personality sparkles enough.

But I can't help but think, what's next boobazzle?

Tittazzling?

How to be happy-----really.....

How to stay happy.  That Grey Area style.....

Spend one hour reading through Facebook - you'll soon realize your life is a heck of a lot better than everyone elses.

Don't worry the small stuff unless you are tripping over it on the floor.

Take some "me" time for yourself - usually with a nice glass of red or white or small shot.

Eat Healthy - always tell yourself that Chocolate cake IS healthy - it has eggs, milk - SEE?

Watch what you drink - if you spill it then there is less for you.

Get outside and get some exercise - it is the only time you can really get away from them.  Really.

Live in the moment - going into the past makes you think of all your parenting fails, and going forward moves you into-----teenagers!  Both of which suck the joy out of the moment.

Lie in the grass and stare at the sky - the rest of the family will think you are dead and not bother you.

Open the refrigerator and sweep everything out and into the trash.  You'll feel liberated that you don't have to open that container hidden in the back for the past year.

If you really want to get away to a safe place?  Hide in the laundry room, no one will find you there because you are the only one that really knows it exists.

Remember happiness is not found anywhere except in your mind.  (OK, sometimes in a bottle especially if it is a Magnum, but I digress) so plan on being happy and you know what, eventually you will be!

How do you find happiness?

How to avoid the divorce papers......

My Significant Other, with 25 years of marriage under our belt, have learned to avoid the situations that cause divorce.  We thought we would share a few with you, so you can prepare and avoid filing the papers.

Traveling - Anytime there's more than one piece of luggage involved, there's possible divorce papers involved.  Include two kids, security, complete with setting off the metal detectors and leaving a pair of shoes behind (how do you do that) as a wife, you just smile and watch your husband have a total meltdown.  Usually, he is fine once the storm has passed.

Setting up a Campsite - the number of pieces associated with your tent will determine how quickly the divorce papers are filed when setting up a tent.  If there are small pieces to the tent, and small children involved the papers are filed sooner rather than later.  Once when we were camping with several families, as each family arrived  - everyone pulled up their lawn chairs for prime watching as the couple setup their campsite - this included betting on how quickly they would start arguing then start shouting.

Driving Directions - I've learned with this one that my SO will simply go the opposite of what I tell him to do.  Simply smile, wait until he realizes he's going the wrong way, watch him bang on the steering wheel.  Then just to make it even more fun, I'll add, "It says here DEAR, that you were supposed to turn left 5 miles back."



Putting together anything - we're both chiefs so it usually starts with both of us with the dewey eyed look of, "We can do this together," then disintegrating into, banging, throwing of things, then finally me walking away before the lawyer knocks at the door.  Again, the number of pieces and whether or not the directions are written by a Chinese person determine how quickly this happens.  ("Whilst parking the screw into Tab C with the venerable twist....)

The First Day of Ski Season - This is when we look like a three ring circus as everyone starts looking for their ski gear.  Half way through a morning of "Mom, where is," and "Mom where is," my hubby will stand up and make a declaration, "I think someone has stolen all of my gear.  Not a single thing of mine is in the drawer."  He is very happy when he finds most of his stuff balled up and stuffed into the back of the ski drawer - complete with a scratch on his goggles.  The papers come during the walk with all the crap to our locker at the ski resort.

Shopping at Lowes - this is my downfall.  I am a dude shopper - I go, make a beeline for what I want, get it, check out and get out of the store.  My SO has to look through everything in the store, thinking of possible uses for the bits of PVC pipe he found in the discount bin.  My patience wears thin as I wait while we look at different types of nails, kits for the toilet, and how to put in your own water purification system.  After way too much time, with the papers in my back pocket, we finally make it out of the store with only what we planned on getting in the first place.  I honestly feel that I've lost a year of my life standing by a cart in a Lowe's store saying, "Honey, I'm not really sure we need the fake  rock hide a key for our house."

By realizing that these situations happen and taking the appropriate action, you can have a long happy marriage like mine - or at least no one has called their best friend to help them hide the body.  Marriage is a give and take - give a little and sometimes take a shot before the situation because it may help keep the papers at bay.

What are your divorce paper moments?

When Boys Get Bored.....

It starts with the constant bang,
Something,
What is that?
Hitting the wall upstairs?

Trying to ignore it, you continue work

until
"Will you PUHHHLEASSE stop doing that?"

Voice from upstairs, "What?"

"Whatever you are doing!"

"Uh OK."  The banging continues, until you fling your reading glasses and march upstairs.

Two boys lay in bed, ball in hand.  They look over at you and then throw the ball against the wall - AGAIN.

"I asked you to stop doing that," you say.
"What?" One asks throwing the ball.
"That..." you say pointing to the ball.
"Oh, this," he holds up the ball.
You take a deep breath holding back the, "What in the hell did you think I was talking about - breathing?"  and simply grit out, "Yes, that."


Waiting a minute outside the door, making sure they actually heard you, then back downstairs hoping to concentrate.

Then more banging starts upstairs, this time elephants are moving furniture.
You hear, "STOP!"  From upstairs, and try desperately to ignore it.

You can't because it becomes a chorus of "STOP" until finally it sounds like someone's head has hit the floor.  Again, the reading glasses go down and you stop upstairs.  You fling open the door and there's your youngest lying on the floor with the older one sitting on top of him.

"Can you stop this please," you say.

They both look at you with an expression of, "What?  This?  But this is what we normally do."  The older one does not get off, you take a step toward him.  He senses something (your anger?) and gets up, the younger one gets up with a parting shot to his brother because Mom is there and this is the one time he can get away with it.

"Why don't you guys go outside," you ask.
"It's raining," they reply.
"Then find something to do," you say leaving the bedroom again.  This time much to your dismay they follow you downstairs, sitting at a computer on the couch.

"Max es un cabezazo y tira un pedo mucho," the computer says.  One starts to laugh.  The other says, "My turn."
Translation - Max is a butt head and farts a lot.

Give up now, at least nothing gets broken with Google Translate and they are actually learning Spanish.

Guys - What NOT to do for Valentine's Day

As you've probably become aware, Valentine's Day is just a few days away.  If you've been getting the hints from your significant others, you better get on the stick and do it now.  Here's a few hints of what NOT to do for your significant other.

Hooker Lingerie - I know you think that this is the perfect gift for both you and her but if she hasn't dressed up for you as a hooker then don't buy it.  The same is true with the value pack of white cotton Granny Panties.

Any appliance  - especially one she didn't ask for.  You will lose all man points even if you paid extra to have it installed by a Chippendale dancer.

Fixer Uppers - Don't let the lady behind the counter fool you, she does not want the Anti Wrinkle Cream for Valentine's Day - even if you're thinking she'll love even more that you shelled out $65 for a 6oz bottle.

Spanx - She needs to buy the slimming wear, you don't.  You're not supposed to notice she needs the slimming wear.

Potted plant - sure it's a living present, but honestly, if there are children in the household, how long will it live.  If you have to go with the living present, get the Chippendale guy as a singing telegram.

Chocolate - psst, she's already got a hidden stash of the chocolate she loves, you'll pick the wrong kind.  Then she'll spend the rest of the night wondering if you are trying to make her fat.

Fishing Pole - do not think of a single present that is a hint to her of what you like - hooker lingerie, fishing pole, sporting event tickets, you will be spending that special time without the love of your life, but will have a very happy best friend taking her place.

Gym Membership - really?  Of course your significant other, DOES NOT need a gym membership.  She's perfect - she has plenty of Spanx to hold everything in.

That stupid little peeing kid from Spensers - no novelty gifts - like "for the girl who has everything" or the twenty pack of different flavored condoms.  Those will be found in the back of her drawer in ten years by your children and you'll be footing the therapy bill.

Clothes - face it, where is everything article of clothing you've bought her?  Not sure?  Have you ever seen her wear it?  Not sure, trust your judgement the orange sweater just isn't her and leave the clothing shopping to her.

What can you go right with?  Gift Cards to her favorite stores.  A handwritten note of how much you love her (get your writer friend to write it.)  Schedule a house cleaning while she's at work.  Think of frivolous when thinking of gifts - fun, not what she expected and completely blow her away.  If all else fails, take her out to dinner and call it a night - especially if she's open to the hooker lingerie you gave her.

Happy Birthday Mom!

My mother would have been, let's see, I have no idea old today.  She always hated that her birthday was 4 days after Christmas, which prompted all of us to have specific birthday gifts - not the usual, "This is for Christmas AND your birthday!"

I miss my Mom on her birthday, more than most days.  As a birthday gift for her, here's a few things about my Mom that make me smile.

1.  Every holiday we'd bring a nice (not our usual 2 buck chuck) wine for the holiday dinner.  My mother would accept it and say, "Wow, this is wonderful, let me put it in the refrigerator now so it's nice and cold for dinner."  You know what, we never said anything just drank cold Zinfindel.

2.  We had a golden retriever named Red that went to obedience school three times and never listened to any of us.  Except one time, he jumped out of the window in a moving car on the highway and my mother chased him down Rt 29 until she yelled in her Mom Voice, "Red SIT!"  Surprise to everyone, he actually sat.

3.  We had a terrific wind storm at our neighborhood the day one of my neighbors decided or his wife made him get rid of his Playboy collection.  His trash can fell over and the magazines flew all over the neighborhood.  I can see my mother out in her raincoat, golashes, big winter hat walking up and down the street collecting all those pictures of naked girls.  I never told her my brother found them in our trash can and SOME of them ended up in his tree house in the woods.

4.  My mother actually took me to the doctor when mosquito bites appeared on my chest.  She was afraid I had cancer, he said it was boobies.  After a few therapy sessions later in my life, I can laugh about it now.

5.  Taking a Twin Otter from Mainland Ireland to the Aran Islands and they had to weigh everyone BEFORE they boarded the plane.  On a Shorts 330 from Miami to the Bahamas she leaned over and whispered to me, "My Volkswagon has more aerodynamics than this thing."

6.  Dr. Norma always fixed a broken doll - broken from a fight between girls that involved yanking the doll between them until an arm was pulled off, or when SOMEONE got mad enough to stand by the couch and slam the doll against it until the head popped off (and not a one of us became a serial killer, go figure)  She never wore the uniform and most of our real bumps and bruises prompted the question, "Well I guess we could just cut the arm off?"

7.  The first time she met my husband we had been out to a party and she threw him out of the house, throwing beer cans at him as he walked down the street.  The second time she met him, he wrecked his car right before dinner, left the car and came to meet us, picking glass out of his suitcoat.  But obviously she liked him, (he lived with my family so far) because of her last notes said, "You two are made for each other...."  She was right even if they didn't get off to a good start.  (The showing up with a van to move me out before we were married didn't help either)

Growing up in the coal country of PA, my Mom taught me hard word and honesty will get you far, and don't take anything off of anyone.  She also worked out every day until she couldn't.  Finally, she always worked at bettering herself, to going back to school and demanding promotions.

I wish my Mom was around so I could ask her questions that I wouldn't ask anyone else, something like, "I don't remember you being this bitchy when your menopause started, is there something wrong with me?"  Or how do you make it through those wild feelings of waking up and your kids are grown, how did you handle that?  Or remember those nutty rolls, they've never been the same, can you write that recipe down for me again?  Finally, I really miss those girls trips when we all let our hair down and talked about anything and everything, especially these questions---obviously deleted here.

Here's to a great Mom, and a great birthday.  The only person brave enough to go up to the Sister that was principle at our school and tell her she was, "snowing in the south."  Those that get it, get it.

Much love, Kels

Oh by the way, happy birthday to my bestie - Nicole, you share the same values as a great person!!!