WTF - My Covert Operation

My husband thinks I have some type of covert operation on him, that I am trying to drive him crazy

One day at a time.

He is convinced I'm hiding

things from him. We have this wonderful conversation looking for things:

Him: Did you put away my whatchamacallit?

Me: Why would I put away your whatchamacallit? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit.

Him: But my whatchamacallit isn't where I usually put it.

Me: Did you put it somewhere else?

Him: Why would I put it somewhere else?

Me: Because you needed it there?

Him: I only need it where I usually put it and it is not there.

Me: So where is it?

Him: That's what I am asking you?

Rinse, Repeat entire conversation from the beginning.

Usually after we spend 15 minutes following each other around the house.

Him: There it is, why is my Whatchamacallit there?

Me: I don't know, did you put it there?

Him: Why would I put it there?

Me: Because that's where it is, right?

Him: You moved it, didn't you?

Me: Why would I move it? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit. Put it where you can find it the next time.

-------------------------------------------------15 minutes later----------------------------------------

Him: Have you seen my Doohickey?

Me: Isn't it over there where you usually put it?

Muwahahahah!

So far, my evil plan is working.

WTF - But Officer!!

WTF - But Officer!

As many of you dear readers know, I moved to a very small town (total of 350 full time residents during off seasons) and no, it was not to avoid federal custody capture, but to slow down when it came to life.

Well, that didn't work.

Just ask the nice police officer who pulled me over this morning.

Right in the middle of the parkway, where all 349 people can see my white mini cooper with the blue lights flashing behind it.

Did I mention I received 10 text messages from friends within 5 minutes of getting pulled.
"Oh Kel got hit by the PoPo!"
"Do you need bail money?"
"What did you do now?"
"I heard there are a lot of cute girls in jail nowadays."
"Show him your boobs."

I love my friends.

So I thought about possibly showing my boobs to get out of the ticket, but the only people interested in those now a days is National Geographic.

The officer walks up to my car, I fluff my hair, turn off the radio (because I am respectful, "I like big butts" shouldn't be playing while I negotiate with the officer) commence looking for the necessary items (license - not fishing but driving - registration)

"Good morning Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"  Why do they always ask you that? Of course not, because I'd hit the brakes as soon as I saw your cop car because I knew I was speeding.

"Uh no, I'm sorry. I was running late to a workout class." I'm thinking, that's probably the lamest excuse from a sober person he's ever heard.

"35 MPH in a 25 MPH zone, and you went left of the line."

"Well shit, that fast?" I did hit the brakes when I saw him, how could I still be going that fast? Then I realize cussing probably is not going to help my case, maybe I should go down the boob road. But how do you get a sports bra off gracefully? Not a chance in hell.

***Of course, I'm thinking there's no one else out here, all the 349 people are either still in bed or off the mountain.

"I'm going to go run your plates." Why does this make me nervous? I'm not in Fast and Furious (well maybe in the speed department) My car is up to date, why does that line make me feel like an outlaw?

So what do I do? I snapchat a few pictures back to my friends saying:
"Cute cop, may have to show the boobs.
"Will orange look good on me?"
"Can you bring me your license, he doesn't believe the age on mine."

He comes walking back with a pad, well crap.

"I'm going to write you a warning today. I'd hate to hit a deer going that fast in your car."

A warning? I slowly lower my shirt. How did I get so lucky. I text my friends a picture of the warning.

"He said I was nice and polite and only gave me a warning," I text my friends.

"Obviously you didn't show him your boobs." One replied.

Thanks a lot.

WTF - Writing, I am your mistress....

Dear Writing:

I did you yesterday.

I did you again yesterday afternoon.

I did you while my children were watching Spongebob.

I even snuck out of bed last night and did you again.

You have no idea how much I want to do you.

You tease me when I am not in the mood, make me do you anyway.

You ask me to whip it out at the most inappropriate times of the day!

Why are you not satisfied? You're always telling me to insert this here, add some stimulation there. And then you make me feel bad because I'm just not in the mood. Well if you are limp, then it is really hard to get in the mood, you know? Sometimes you tell me I suck, and then you laugh.

When I try really hard, you won't come with me. When I try to walk away, you beg me to stay. You're always on my mind. I think of you when I'm alone. I fantasize about you when I'm supposed to do yoga? You haunt my dreams, whispering, "You need more excitement, try this." When I do, you ignore me, make me beg for more.  When I'm quiet, all I hear is, "Why just sit there when you can do me?" Why can't we be just be together, no strings attached? 

I never hear any encouragement from you, not even a "job well done" or "that was perfect, do it that way again" all I hear is your silence. Then you say, "I want more, do it again." You never hear me when I tell you my needs, not realizing everything I sacrifice to please you.  You mock me as I beg for more.

Is there no end to this relationship? Will we forever be trying? How can I make you happy?

You just demand more and more from me, begging me not to stop.

I like it.

I guess it's time to do you again.

WTF - Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss - Do you like the snow?

I am Kel
Kel, Oh well.

That Kel, That Kel
She think's she's swell
That Kel, That Kel
The stories she tells

Would you like some more snow?
Soft and fluffy and off we go?

I do not want any more snow,
I do not want it now you know.

Would you like to take a ride?
Down the hill on skis we glide?

I told you once, I don't want to ride.
This cold weather makes me hide.
And no I don't want more snow.
I do not want it, now you know.

Would you could you hit the rink?
Ice skate around, don't you think?

No, no, I don't want to ride.
Downhill on skis that slide.
I do not, will not hit the rink.
No thanks to ice skating, it just stinks.
And no, no, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Perhaps, a good wintery slope,
It is a perfect day, one could hope?

There is no hope, not even a slope.
It's too cold outside you dope!
I do not want to ride,
I do not want to go outside.
I do not want to hit the rink,
Open that door and I'll cause a stink.
You didn't hear me, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Would you, could you think of tubing?
A fun winter sport of choosing?

Take a tube on a cold winter day? 
Leave me be, please, I pray.
I will not ride down a slope,
I will not ride, you dope!
I will not ski, don't you see?
It's too cold outside for me!
I don't want to fall in a rink,
Hit the ice? now way, I think.
I do not want to go out in the snow!
I do not, do not, now you know.

You do not like snow,
So you say,
Try it, try it,
And you may.
Open the door, take a small step outside,
Try it, try it, to say you tried.

Oh Kel, if you'll let me be,
I'll step outside and see.
I'll try the snow, 
I'll try it for you.
I will not like it like you do.

Wait!
It's so pretty, I like the snow!
I like it, I like it! Now I know!
I will go ski on this pretty day.
I'll ride the lift to the top, I say!
I will hit the rink for a turn or two.
I'll even take a break with a brew.
Maybe after that beer in a tube I'll ride,
I'll do it all and stay outside.


I do like the fluffy snow!
I do like it, 
now I know!




  

WTF - Indispesible Snow Driving Tips

With all the snow we received the past few days, I thought Id share successful snow driving tips for mountain living.

1.  Make sure you leave all the snow piled on top of your car and on the hood. This makes the driver behind you feel like they are in a snow globe as it blows off your car on the road.  On another note it will keep drivers behind you at a safe distance.

2.  Create a real video game atmosphere by only clearing a 4 in circle on your windshield.  This will give the real feel to M1A1 tank! Bring a toy gun with you to complete the experience.

3.  Your hazard lights are a great way to alert all the drivers around you that it is snowing.  Make sure they pay attention to you by honking your horn as they pass you.

4.  The "I'm about to crap myself" look on your face is great for sagging skin. It will make you look 10 years younger. It is especially flattering when framed by the 4in hole you cleared on your windshield.

5.  Your high beams at night are the perfect way to see every snowflake. Turn them on and leave them on for the rest of your vacation.

6.  If you have 4WD, even if you've never used it before, make sure you drive as fast as you can, alerting all the other drivers that you have 4WD. This is especially true if you don't know how to turn on your 4WD, drive as fast as you can, your car will let you know when it needs it by sliding into the ditch.

7. The driver in front of you is the perfect leader on the road.  Follow that driver as close as you can finding their tracks in the snow. Their hazard lights will let you know when to stop.

8.  Check the brakes on your car frequently. Make sure they are in working order by slamming on them when you hit 15 MPH and you were planning on 10 MPH.

9.  Your turn begins the second you hit your destined road, don't inconvenience the drivers behind you by slowing down for your turn. Turn signals are not needed as your hazard lights are already on.

10.  Make sure you honk hello to the fellow drivers, especially those that do not know they are facing the wrong way on the road or the ones in the ditch. It makes them feel part of the community.

Bonus Tip:  Gunning your car for long periods of time will help it gain traction, the turning wheels will melt the ice. If you all of a sudden move, don't worry, your hazards have already alerted other drivers there is snow and they will be watching YOU!

What other winter driving tips would you ad?

A New Year, A New Adventure

I was asked to sum up my year, and couldn't even get started.  Here's a few things I learned in 2014.....

Things sag, but if you let your attitude sag then you are in big trouble.

For those things that sag, there are other things that pull them back up.

For an attitude sag, all you need is a little time with family.

Each grey hair is equal to every time you laugh, at least that is what I tell myself because dang!  I have a lot of them!

Good friends will always lift your spirits, even if it is from two hours away, a computer screen in a distant land or sitting next to you in front of the fire.  There was a wise man who sang, "I get by with a little help from my friends."

Mistakes will be made, you will fall.

The most important thing is the getting up and brushing yourself off and continuing on.

Leave the trail dust behind because the journey is ahead of you, not behind you.  Get to the finish line one way or the other.

But if you plan on falling, always remember to tuck and roll, because when you fall, plan on falling spectacularly!

Love openly and honestly and you'll be surprised at the results.

Do a few things naked.  You'll be surprised at how your perspective changes!

Always do your thing, never have any regrets.

And finally, the most important thing I learned.

Love yourself and it is amazing how many people will do the same.

Happy 2015, here's to an amazing year of new possibilities!

It's a Given - the Fair Edition

I don't care where you live, there's some type of fair that comes to town once a year.  And like lemmings over the cliff, you go every year, wondering half way through creating the memory, why you do it.  Because if you ever decide to go to the fair, there's quite a few givens.



Your hands will feel sticky the minute your fair admission ticket leaves your hand.
They will feel sticky the entire time you are at the fair.
Then you will touch something (the handle of a ride, the doorknob of the restroom, the counter of the Pig Butt on a Stick vendor) and encounter something wet.
Now they are wet AND sticky.

At this moment, something on your body will itch.
Most likely eye, making you wonder about pink eye.
Or hair, making you freak about lice.
or skin making you worry about leprosy.

I think the fair sends out smoke signals when it comes to town because
there's a lot of people here I swear I never saw before
that shouldn't be wearing that whatever

they think is covering up their whatever
because it is not working.

Who are these people?
Many of them are breeding more fair goers of the future, getting them hooked on the candy apples, the cotton candy and the kettle corn.
Do they not understand that walking around the fair with a gigantic turkey leg hanging from your mouth is NOT sexy?
Honestly, there are a few that could safely enter the "Strange Freaks" show of the fair and be detained because they thought they were part of the show.
Not to mention the employees of the fair, I hope someone is doing background checks on these people because if you opened the dictionary to serial killer, a few pictures may look familiar.

So I am not sure what scared me more:
Everything you touch at the fair is sticky.
The unknown substance on the wire cage of the ride you're getting ready to get on.
The smell of sweat in another ride as the door closes and you realize you have no point of the horizon as it starts going around.
How easily a fresh made doughnut can disappear - after a pretzel, a box of popcorn, a funnel cake, two large sweet teas.
And after all that food you're still eyeing the fried Oreos, thinking, "Maybe?"
That you have to tip the restroom lady even if the surfaces in the restroom are STICKY?
And girlfriend, you're JUICY shirt, obviously two sizes too small with the jeggings is fodder for the Haunted House which was pretty lame and needed sprucing up anyway.

As we walk out of the fair, we all sigh at the new memory, move a little bit of extra fat around and grab for the hand sanitizer as we get in the car.

Ahhh, off the hook for another year.  Remember, nothing good happens at the Fair.

Happy Fall Ya'll

It's the first day of fall and I cannot be happier.  Gone are the days of sweat running down my back from a walk from my front door to my car.  There are so many different reasons to love the cooler weather, I thought I would share a few with you.

Preparing for Hibernation.  The cooler weather signals cold weather is on its way and everyone must prepare for hibernation correctly.  That is why there is pumpkin spice everywhere, because it is usually loaded with double fat, lots of caramel and of course several large eggs.  (My children say, eggs, butter, milk - of course it is healthy) But don't worry, the calories don't count as long as you can cover it up with warm clothes, bringing the arrival of long sweaters, and jeggings.

The arrival of all of our favorite TV shows.  Does anyone think it is interesting that all of our TV shows start as soon as we "fall back" onto our couches because it is already dark outside?  I think not.

Fall is a gentle reminder that Christmas is right around the corner.  No, not to freak out and go shopping, but to start looking for that Ugly Christmas Sweater you bought at end of season last year and put in a "safe place."

The advent of hoodies and sweats and everything nice leads us to the Sasquatch look, or as some women call it the "French" method of shaving.  Luckily the only time the hair on our legs sees the light of day is at the gym, but nobody cares because everyone looks like Sasquatch at the gym during winter.

Cobwebs come back in style.  Remember that cleaning project you thought of in July?  Cleaning all the cobwebs off of your home?  Never got to it?  Don't worry about it!  With Halloween coming up, you're house will be the coolest in the neighborhood!  Better yet, with a cold winter maybe all the spiders freezing their butts off will leave your home and move South.

The Uggs come out of the closet as your feet descend into their warm fur.  Most never take them off until May so that smell of spring, well we call it Eau de Ugg Feet!

The only stressor of fall for me is the battle of the thermostat.  Wanting cool fresh air, I'll leave the windows open and leave off the heat.  My children walk by in the morning with a nice coat of frost on their face begging me to turn on the heat.  But I try to refuse until the first snow of the season.  We will see who wins this year.

Finally, once the temperature dips it is perfect acceptable to make love under the covers and no one thinks you are hiding something.  In my house, I can put away the Vaseline I've coated the door knob with, keeping little hands from turning it.  Plus, with the changeover to flannel sheets, my hubby never knows my legs are fuzzy, they just feel like the sheets.

So as the temperatures fall, and some of you are sniffing as you put away the flip flops and sun screen, remember there are plenty of reasons to celebrate Fall!

What would you add?

When was the last time

I am home with my boys pretty much twenty four seven, when I locked myself in the bathroom for a few seconds of peace I wondered.

When was the last time:

I actually fit into my jeans without laying on my back.  Was it before Moe's opened in Winston Salem but after?  Because that could be the culprit.

When did red wine stain my teeth, or when did I actually notice it.  Have I been walking around looking like I below on the street for years?

When was the last time I actually looked forward to putting on a bra?  Because every day I actually look forward to tearing one off and chasing my kids with it as they yell, EWWWW!

When did my sh*t not stink?  Because all of a sudden I'm having hot flashes in the bathroom and they are not the closing in on 50 kind of hot flashes.

When did stretchy pants become my go to apparel?  When I found that paired with the baby doll top I could actually be comfortable and look like a, well, a fat baby doll?

When did I write that blog post?  I don't remember writing it but it is pretty darn funny.

When was the last time someone liked something I cooked?  Oh, that again, was before I had kids.

When was the last time I didn't have to put the toilet seat down?  I got nothing on this one.

When did running turn into work?  When it became my way of weight control rather than enjoying the scenery.

When did the word "Stop" take on a new meaning?  When my kids started using it 1567 times a day and then I catch myself yelling, "STOP!" for them TO STOP!

When was the last time I had a hyper organized, productive day?  Oh yeah, that was 13 years ago before my first child was born.

When did I learn there are so many words, sayings, and emotions that have to do with farting?  When I had boys.

When will I ever learn?

Never.

This A'int No Road Biking!

Let's get out and enjoy some mountain biking, they said.

It will be fun, they said.

You're a biker, you'll love it.  They said.

There are some real fundamental differences on Mountain Biking vs Road Biking.

Years of being clipped in on a road bike did not prepare me for unclipped mountain bike pedals.  I really had no idea how to start pedaling again.  With clipped feet, I am used to pulling UP when I pedal, my feet kept leaving the pedals!

The above problem is no fun at all when trying to navigate rocks, roots and narrow trails.

Rear brake, rear brake!!  I figured out why they kept telling me that as I flew over the handlebars stopping abruptly on the downhill.

I understand all the padding.  I've got chain marks on one leg, a bruise on the other and can't feel my hoochie hoo.

I understand you have to pedal and go fast to go over the stumps, roots, rocks and other shit - but that makes me go fast.

It is possible to be screaming on the downhill and sound like a "motorboat" from all the bumps on the way down.

Add caption

Did you know that mountain bikes have big knobby tires so you will bounce off of trees?  I found this out firsthand, right before I fell over.

Of course you are supposed to look the part.  UNTIL you start pricing out HOW to look the PART, then you declare yourself a naturalist because you cannot AFFORD to look the part.  (The same is true on road biking, but I've had 8 years to amass my collection)

When I went to the internet and searched mountain bikes, funny how most of the pictures that came up had something to do with falling.  (I am not alone)

So there you have it.  A committed road cyclist trying to get dirty on the trails, having quite a few of those "What the hell was I thinking" type moments.  Falling down, but getting back up, because I will not let anything beat me.

And I'm putting some towels around my hoochie hoo next time because if I get that tap on the shoulder one night this week, I'm going to groan and actually say, "Not now honey, my hoochie hurts!"

WTF - Fundraiser?

So, I am knee deep in helping with a Spring Fundraiser at someplace on the planet, and part of the idea was to create a thermometer.  You know, chronicling the progress as we add money to coffers for something new and spectacular at this favorite place of mine.

Don't you like how I am covering up the, "the names and places of this blog are in no way close to anyone I know because everyone knows I am a recluse who doesn't really go anywhere."

Any way, the banner is delivered to this place, and certain parties do the work of rolling it out ready for hanging on the front of the non profit establishment.

Here's the banner:

What?

I know, the person in charge mentions, "Doesn't that look like a phallus?"

I'm thinking, "What's a phallus?"  Then it hits me!  Oh yeah, it does look like a big uh, one headed wonder!

Normally most people would say, "Isn't that a big dick?"  But the people I am fundraising for are educated, I hear things like, "phallus, that male body part, male anatomy."

So as the people at the establishment go into panic mode to fix the sign, my mind takes a turn for the worse.

Hmmm, does this cat print make my penis look small?  Meow?

Umm, maybe if we reach our goal we can have fireworks coming out of the top?

Who's decision was it to make the cat print purple?  Really?

Are those ticks, well, you know, well, oh never mind.

Then it hits me.  

Well, you can see that I've been married too long when I don't notice the big wiener on the banner.

And, maybe if we keep it, it will surely capture the attention of all the women, now won't it?

Which could bring in a lot of money?

We could hit our goal.

Oh, I can see the fireworks!

WTF - Kids Names

Seriously people, why would you name your kid that?

Airwrecka - or Erica, why do some people have to so butcher the spelling of their name to make them different.  I think I will change my kids names, how about:

Maxhimauh

and

Waulfgaung

Then you have the ones that are named after things a parent can't afford:

Chanel
Armani
Health Insurance
Mercedes
Pearl
Car Payment

Parents like to use symbols in the name:

Kei$ha - does that mean she needs money?
$hannon - does she have a silver spoon in her mouth.
I could outdo all of them with $hithead!  Perfect!

Then the fluffy names:
Buffy
Candy
Fluffy
Precious (how about Pre$ious)
Honey

Some think it is a good idea giving them a sports name, hoping that they excel in sports:

Darryl Homerun Walker
Stephanie 10Love Smith

and again, my favorite-

Darius Touchdown Carson.

I have a friend who named her daughter nevaeh - many were not sure how to even pronounce it, but she explained "It is heaven spelled backwards."  The first thought that went through my mind was Heaven Backwards is well, I'm not going to say it.

Finally, what really offends me:

When I introduce myself and they say, "I used to have a dog with that name."

WTF - My Smartphone has made me a better person

I knew there was a reason I had to upgrade and move into the latest century with my iPhone5c.  And no, it was not the talk to text feature!  Here's ways my Smartphone has made me a better person.


Energy Conservation - texting saves reams of paper in notes AND the person doesn't have to be there to get the message - a good one OR a bad ome..

Flexibility - I have impressed my husband with some new moves learned while trying to catch a signal.

Adaptability - especially when my phone acts like a have a great signal until I dial a number and it goes, "Oh psych, you have extended network."

Learn New Languages - Texting has become a language all in its own.  I now understand what my BFF is doing when she is "C U L8TR BC I M ROFL W BFF OVR TXT FRM X."  And I can reply "KKK" and she will not think I am part of the Klu Klux Klan.

Psychic - When my BFF texts me, "Live young gnu blossom."  I totally understand her auto correct language replying, "I live gnu blossom took."  (I love your new blouse too)

Read a Map - yes, the person who cannot find her way out of a paper bag can now read a map.  You'll learn too when you let Apple Maps try to get you someplace and end up in the middle of no where with little gas and a phone that says, "Psych, you don't have a signal."

Patience with my children - because they always have to fix my phone.  Or better yet, "set it up for me," which is code language for "you'll never be able to find anything."

Healthier - I have apps that remind me to drink water, what mileage I need to run, a healthy alternative to dinner, when to pluck my chin hairs.  I'll never be unhealthy again - my phone won't let me.

Coordination - there are smart phones everywhere.  Try to limit the amount of footage of you out there falling to a bare minimum.  Unless the falls are epic.

Stronger - you'd be surprised at the definition in my arms from all the selfies I take.

Build Better Relationships - because I can see all the epic fails by people in their Facebook postings and learn what NOT to do!

My phone has made me a better person, I am sure there are more rewards coming down the pike as I actually learn how to use it!

WTF - Holiday Gift Giving Edition

As we all know and several are breathing in a bag over - Christmas is less that two weeks away!  I thought I would share some great WTF gifts for your shopping pleasure!

Let's start with the decorations:  These are perfect.

The inflatable Christmas Wreath - perfect for the family expecting Granpa visiting and his hemmroidal problems.  This is a multi use decoration - wreath by day hemmroid pillow by night!

Who in the family doesn't like bacon?  How about bacon stockings!  That way they are still happy if they get coal, then can just cook the stockings using it!

Finally in preparation for the season, the perfect traveling pillow for that long plane ride.  The Farting Elf Neck Pillow!  It is the perfect way to ensure the seat next to you on that bus or train or plane will remain OPEN!

Now to Christmas Day:

For the outdoorsman in your life - think about the Noggin Net!  It's a hat, it's a fishing net.  Luckily the instructions that come with it include the warning to not use it as a hat when there is a fish or shark in the net.  

Think about it, 

"Earle, I got ONE!"

"Dang, I forgot the net!"

"Don't worry use my NOGGIN NET!"

"WTF?"

"Got it!"

Sounds of Earle and Darryl killing the fish.

"Gimme my hat back, my head is burning."

2 hours later

"Something smells fishy?"

You could always buy them the Birthing Doll see click here

Or if you're like me, you could always buy your husband this!

Picture this:

"Merry Christmas honey!"

He looks at it, "Advice, Meditations for men who have too much?"

"Just like you sweetie!"

"Is this a USED copy?"

He drops the book and runs to wash his hands.

Which may necessitate this gift for yourself - because you should always buy at least ONE thing for yourself!

 Happy Holidays from That Grey Area - may you enjoy all the sights, smells and chaos from a nice xanax induced fog.

What would you add to the list?

Christmas Carols - That Grey Area Style

Chest Nuts roasting on an open fire.
Cause someone left the toilet seat up.
"I'm sorry," being sung by a choir
As they pull her to stand up!

Everybody knows, a simple, "I'll wash clothes,"
Help to make the season bright,
Angry Moms stepping on tiny legos
Will find it hard to walk tonight.

They know that Mom's really pissed off,
She's  loaded with punishments on the way.
And every child is gonna cry.

To see if that will make Momma sigh?

And so, I'm offering you this simple idea,
To kids that want to live past 22
Alto, It's been said, many times, many ways.
"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you."

"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you!"

Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

WTF - What the Friday...Passwords

I did not realize that terrorists were threatening our electric power bill payment system, because it's harder to pay my electric bill than it is to sign into my checking account.



Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must change your password every 3 months."
Me:  "Why, I'll never remember it.  OK let me us the other one I always use."
Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must use a password that include an anagram of the word 'DUKE POWER' atleast three numbers AND one capital letter."
Me:  "OK, here ya go."

Three days later, I receive a notice that I need to pay my electric bill.  Didn't I pay that earlier?

Computer:  "I'm sorry, you changed your password two days ago, please enter new one."
Me:  "Hmm, which account is this, what did I use?"
Computer:  "Would you like a security question?"
Me:  "Yes, ask me a question then let me in to pay my bill."
Computer, "Your security question is, you changed your password two days ago, do you remember what it is?"
Me: "No, that's why I am trying the security question."
COmputer: "Passwords include anagrams of DUKE POWER three numbers and one uppercase letter, now do you remember your password?"
ME: "WTH?"

Put on my thinking cap,
ME:  "Is my password PestKUDE11K0?"
Computer:  "Nope but that's a pretty good password."

Me, thinking maybe I was drinking wine when I changed the password because that changes the possibilities.

ME:  "Is my password Ih8teDUKEp0w3r?"
Computer:  "No, that is not your password, you changed it three days ago?"
ME:  "Is my password DUKEPOWERSUX99TIMES?"

Computer:  "That's not funny, you have been locked out of the system please call our 800 number to reset your password and pay your bill.

Me, dialing 1-800-H8T-DUKE

DUKE POWER:  "Welcome to Duke Power please enter your password using your phone keypad to continue."

Somewhere, some terrorist is sitting at a computer laughed, "Darryl, we will take over the world one electric company bill at a time!  Soon everyone will have NO POWER!  BUWAHAHAHA!"

You know you're a Mom.....

Do any of these ring true to you?


You know you're a Mom, when you finally sit on the toilet at 6pm and wondering, "have I gone to the bathroom yet today?"

You know you're a Mom when you can answer this question:
"How much is a Twix Bar?"
Me:  "Around 79 cents."
"How much if everyone in the world including the people in the Space Station bought a Twix Bar?"
Me: "5 billion 9 hundred thousand seven hundred twenty."

Sure it's not right, but who would know and what do my kids think I am - Google?

You know you're a Mom when you think coffee is supposed to be cold and its only purpose is to keep you awake in the carpool line.

You know you're a Mom when everything you own is stained, according to the age of your children:
throw up, crap, cooking class, arts and crafts, crap, throw up.

You know you're a Mom when it is not surprising to pull an ear plug (just one), a ketchup and duck sauce package, anti fungal cream AND hot pink lip gloss out of your purse.

You know you're a Mom when it is legal to launder money and keep it.

You know you're a Mom when you purposely change the time on your computer so no one knows you're really finally getting to and sending those emails at 347am.

You know you're a Mom when you've learned that there is always time to stop if a child has to pee.

You know you're a Mom when your TaDa list includes meals for 2 boys and their 6 friends, relearning (thank you Google) how to multiply fractions, finish a Ninja Turtle Costume (thank you duct tape) AND no one realizes you are sitting in your room with a romance novel and glass of wine.

You know you're a Mom when the BEST part of your day was not:
The perfect hairdo
The healthy meal
The satisfactory report card
Someone actually flushing the toilet

It is that split second when one of your minions runs up to you and give you a quick hug saying, "Love you."

And you didn't pay them to do it because relatives were visiting.

How do you know it is Fall?

Sure it is October 1st, but there are many other ways to realize it is fall, here's a quick list:

 

 Pumpkin Coffee, Pumpkin Muffins, Pumpkin oatmeal, Pumpkin Cookies, Pumpkin Ravioli, Pumpkin Gnocchi.  They came out with Pumpkin Spice toilet paper, that gives you a nice whiff in combat to other, well, other odors.  Now if they could just make Pumpkin Spice baby diapers.

The Spiders are taking over - they realize this is their last hurrah until the first frost - get all the making a web big enough that it covers between two trees, yet you cannot see it - until you walk through it then they get to run over your head.

There is butternut squash in the grocery store.  No one knows what to do with it, everyone buys it.  It sits in the fridge until winter rolls around and you can safely throw away the rotten thing because it is past fall.

Everyone talks about how happy they are to wear sweaters for the cooler weather.  Oh be honest, it has been a LONG summer holding that muffin top in - I know I am ready for sweater weather.

We can now sleep with the windows open.  Oh wait, there's that dog that barks all night long, I missed being able to sleep through the night hearing only the hum of the air conditioner.

Beautiful leaves are creeping on the trees.  Yes, and everyone sounds like Elmer Fudd while on four different brands of allergy medicine along with 3 different nasal shots, don't forget the Chloraseptic due to post nasal drip of all the crap you're trying to clear out.

Fall Festivals - yes every church, school, organization, PTA, yard sale has a fall festival.  If I get rolled up like a mummy one more time, I'm going Egyptian on them.

Halloween decorations - I don't need them, I've got plenty of spiders and cobwebs to cover this one.  I will however put something that screams in the path of my front sidewalk that is motion detected - because well, someone has to enjoy Halloween.

Mums - this is the "I am too lazy to dig for pansies and I'll leave what's left of my flowers in but cover it with Mums in pots to look like fall."  Add in the fake pumpkin on the front step and you have the "Aint nobody got time for that Fall decorations."

Fall is that season where we think about hibernating - which means running to Costco for your case of wine, to the ABC store for the whiskey for your hot toddies (because we'll all catch that fall cold) and then to the nail salon for your last pedicure.  We all know that the legs and the toes are going into hibernation until the first day of spring - so why paint and why shave, right?

What do you love about Fall?

A Day In The Life Of A Facebook Addict

You are that Facebook person, I know you are:

You see a post and you like it.

So you say, "I will like you."

Then you see another post, but you don't like it.  It is sad, you shouldn't like something that is sad?

But you have to like it, because you want your friend (who you really don't know) to know that you see they are sad----by liking it.

You see another post, it makes you angry.  You do not delete the person off of your feed, you send an angry message back to that person (who you really don't know either) and get into a fight that ends with deleting them, which you should have done in the first place.

You see another post, you decide that it is not nice enough to like, close, but not close enough.

Finally, there is that cute picture of kittens - not only must you "like" this but you must share this because everyone shares kittens.

Then there's the picture that says, "Hangover, The Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night."  You love this but there's a problem:
If you like it, then they know you were drinking last night.
If you share it, then people will know that you drink.
What will all these people, who you really don't know anyway think about you drinking on a Tuesday night.
You take that one and save it for another day - maybe you can share it on a Sunday, but wait then what will all the people you don't know, who go to church, think?

You see a post from a friend about her Labrador puppy, you think, "OK, enough of the real puppy pictures, we like the funny ones that someone else made."

Then you stop by another friend's post and look at the picture, "OK, that's not real.  I will not like it."

Finally you see a few pictures of several friends you actually know together, "Well, why wasn't I invited to that party?  I mean we are Facebook friends."  You decide to LIKE it to show them that you KNOW and you are not happy about it.

All of this happens in the 5 minutes it took you to pull up Facebook and take a look.

You close out of it to actually get some work done.

But go back 5 minutes later.

Is this you?  Do you have continual conversations on what you LIKE and what you do not LIKE?