Happy Birthday - You Feelin Smarter?

Today's the day I can finally ditch the fake ID, I've been worrying so long about getting caught.  Everyone says a birthday is not about getting older it is about celebrating life.  According to Oprah.com, you do become smarter as you age.  I could have told you that.

Did you know that as you get older your brain's hemispheres sync up.  That older people make better decisions not because they've already learned from all the stupid shit they've done in their lives but because their brains are working on all cylinders than younger people.

Add in a few cocktails and we may be back on the same playing field as the young kids.

As you get older your brain is still growing.  Not only does this make me feel much better about the poor souls in there last night that I killed, but perhaps the "seemed like a good idea at the time" adventure when I was 26 will finally be replaced.

The emotional state in our brains matures and evens out as we get older - giving us a rosier outlook on life.  I was under the impression that the self medication approach I was taking was causing the phenomenon, who would have guessed it?

As we get older our social intelligence expands, due to life experience and maturity.  According to the Journal of Geriontology, older people when presented with interpersonal situations often choose the path of least conflict.  Conflict usually spills the martini - just sayin.

Studies show that as we get older, our perspective on time changes, due to the knowledge that our time on this Earth is growing smaller.  Older people spend more time with friends and family they care about because they've already all the sides to your personality before, and family can't get rid of you.

As we age, are always adding knowledge and abilities.  Yes, that does make us smarter.  Teaching firecracker safety with a lit cigarette in the mouth = not a good idea.  Remember that.  Oh, and the ability to make a killer Orange Crush - add that to your knowledge and abilities.

You gain control of your emotions.  As we age, we move quickly through the, "ain't nobody got time for thatI like to term it, we move into the "we don't give a shit" stage.

Finally, you become an instant expert at many things - as you experience things in life your brain develops schemas, or roadmaps that help you recognize and respond to similar situations.  Honestly, I thought it was the beer that made me an expert.

Thank you Oprah for pointing that there is a benefit to getting older - it makes you smarter!

If that is not working for you here's a few great mental exercises:

1.  Say your children's names in order, yes, their real names not the ones in your mind.

2.  Just for the heck of it, determine your ovulation cycle.

3.  Balance your checkbook, well, never mind that would depress anyone.

4.  Count out your medication for the month, then separate by day.

5.  Count your blessings - it will improve your mind and your spirit.

Link to the full Oprah.com article:  http://www.oprah.com/health/Aging-Brain-Facts-Do-You-Get-Smarter-as-You-Age/2

My Mom Did WHAT?

I love my kids, I especially love how uptight they are and how easy it is to harass them.  Remember as a parent we thought we were cool until we had children, then with the first humiliation of childbirth to the long list of raising kids - we have the perk now of getting back at them!    Need to cement a few memories in YOUR child's life?  Here's how:

Enunciate completely every.word.of.your.order when you are the take out window.   "YES, I WOULD LIKE A DOZEN DOUGHNUTS - THREE CINNAMON BUNS, SIX RAINBOW SPRINKLES, THREE CHOCOLATE SPRINKLED AND THREE ORIGINAL SUGAR GLAZED HOT AND FRESH NOW PLEASE."

Pack their lovey in their school book bag, guarantee they will not fall asleep in any class worrying about that one.

Make them wait with you in the food court of the mall until you MEET every friend they are hanging out with, make their friends stop and sit for a minute while you, "Get to know them."

Label their lunch box - down to writing "napkin" on the napkin.  "Sandwich," "Apple slices," "Tasty Kake."

Take them shopping with you.  Better yet take them to the swimsuit or bra department.

Show them you still have it - especially in front of their friends.  I am very proud that I can still say every word to "Devil Went Down To Georgia" including the Chicken in a bread pan pickin out dough.

Show up in your workout gear to school.  Honestly, I think this is cool because I am actually going to WORK OUT.  But if I really want to embarrass them, I wear my neon tights without underwear, leg warmers, and headband to complete the outfit.

Making them pose out in public for a picture, especially if they are with their friends.  Then make them stay for 4 more pictures because it "just isn't coming out right" or "wait a minute there standing on the fountain, my camera isn't loading yet."

Jump out of the car in the carpool line (in your pajamas) and yell, "Snuggle!  You forgot your lunchbox!"

Tell stories to their friends about the time they picked up the bagel off the floor, took a bite and told you it tasted funny.  You told them to eat it anyway and after another bite and crying realized the dog had peed on it.

Barge in on them in the dressing room and check to see how clothes "look" or "fit."  My mother always liked to grab the crotch part of the pants making sure, "it wasn't too tight."

Legal Disclaimer - author of this post is not liable for any damages or therapy needed by attempting the actions of this list.  This is a list for professional tormentors only, DO NOT ATTEMPT.  No legal action can be taken against the author of this post as she has no money due to the therapy bills for her own children.

Remember that important part of "embarrass" is that you make an "ass" out of yourself because that's the fun of it.  How do you embarrass your children?

How to be happy-----really.....

How to stay happy.  That Grey Area style.....

Spend one hour reading through Facebook - you'll soon realize your life is a heck of a lot better than everyone elses.

Don't worry the small stuff unless you are tripping over it on the floor.

Take some "me" time for yourself - usually with a nice glass of red or white or small shot.

Eat Healthy - always tell yourself that Chocolate cake IS healthy - it has eggs, milk - SEE?

Watch what you drink - if you spill it then there is less for you.

Get outside and get some exercise - it is the only time you can really get away from them.  Really.

Live in the moment - going into the past makes you think of all your parenting fails, and going forward moves you into-----teenagers!  Both of which suck the joy out of the moment.

Lie in the grass and stare at the sky - the rest of the family will think you are dead and not bother you.

Open the refrigerator and sweep everything out and into the trash.  You'll feel liberated that you don't have to open that container hidden in the back for the past year.

If you really want to get away to a safe place?  Hide in the laundry room, no one will find you there because you are the only one that really knows it exists.

Remember happiness is not found anywhere except in your mind.  (OK, sometimes in a bottle especially if it is a Magnum, but I digress) so plan on being happy and you know what, eventually you will be!

How do you find happiness?

What would you ask your Mom?

It' s been a great mother's day for me, starting with breakfast in bed and now a champagne toast to the resident celebrity - ME!  My family is trying really hard to show me the love in not fighting for a day, smiling as they listen to Colbie Callait, and even making baked kale chips instead of fritos!  It's days like these that make me miss my Mom, I think about all the silly thing we did for her for Mother's Day.  She loved every hand made card, just like me, loved all the burnt toast, just like me, AND didn't pass up a champagne toast, just like me.

I miss my Mom in that I wish I could ask her questions.  I mean did she really get all the billy goat hairs that are appearing on my chinny chin chin?  As I edge closer to immortality, are these changes normal- specifically the fricking weight gain after a day of only eating a blueberry and almond?  Was I such a pain in the ass as a child and how did she get through it?  Some of my questions serious, some of them funny, but I guess what I'd love to hear the most is her voice.

She could tell me all her usual sayings, "oh, I'll give you something to cry about" or "don't make me have to come over there," "you are so much like your father," just to hear her say it.  I'd laugh with her about all the obedience classes for our Golden Retriever and how the neighbors knew our dog shit in their yard because it had flourescent crayon specks in it.  I'd laugh about Dr. Mom, when the head popped off of my doll and she had to "go into surgery."  I'd laugh about her going out in the rain and wind because a neighbors trash can fell over and all his Playboy magazines were blowing down the street (my brother later took those from our trash cans and disappeared with them)  I'd laugh that she still hung the laundry during locust season in a trench coat, boots and hat.  I'd finally tell her where I hit the silver belt she used to beat me with and most of the times I deserved it.

Then we'd sit and have a champagne toast to each other, her for teaching me so much, putting up with her wild child and me for getting it right - for a change!  Then we'd pull out the tweezers and pick out each other's billy goat hairs.  What would you ask your Mom?