WTF Advice From Grandma!

Sometimes you feel the need to impart advice to your friends.  Here's a few I remember from my Grandmother.

"If you can walk past him with a green clay mask on your face, you belly wrapped in plastic and sweat pants and he still chases you around the couch, then, hold tight because he is a keeper."

"If you don't have time to clean, lower the shades.  Guests won't worry about dust as they are worrying about tripping over the furniture."

"If you are happy then it is Happy Hour.  The beer just makes you a little more happy."

"A good friend will hang out with you, a best friend will point out the 2 inch long billy goat hair hanging off of your chin BEFORE you go to hang out."


"Sometimes kids need a good slap to the back of the head, I swear their brains stop working periodically."

"Don't ever smell a pair of kids/men's underwear to see if they are clean.  Even on a dare."

"No one looks in the tampon box.  Hide your valuables in there."

"A good woman knows how to drink a beer, sing "Roll Out The Barrels" and kiss, not in any particular order."

"No one wants "she had a clean house" chiseled on her tombstone."

"Great beer is like great friends, everything's easier when in hand."

"Do not spit off of the Twister ride at the beach.  That B*tch turns around awful fast."

"Let the fart out.  If you don't it will travel up your spine to your brain.  Look at Pop Pop, that's where all his crappy ideas came from."

"Did you just see what I paid for that sandwich at Arby's?  I think that included this salt shaker."

"Honey, I've been at this rodeo a little bit longer than you, perhaps you should listen to me."

And finally,

"Some people need to sweep around their own door steps before worrying about yours."

Things that Never Go As Planned

Here's a list of things that never go as planned.



1.  That first perm - or finding out what the true definition of pubic hair by looking in the mirror.

2.  That crafty project with your children - or how did glue get THERE?

3.  Any recipe you've found on pinterest - or they must have photoshopped that 2 ingredient souffle.

4.  That First Date - who would have thought you couldn't have a conversation at a Metallica concert?

5.  The Family Vacation - or better titled - "You forgot WHAT?"

6.  Sex in a Public Place - like your bedroom because with kids that is considered public domain.

7.  A New Car - because there's always that tankard of iced tea that needs to fall on the mats within the first week.

8.  A Hot Bath - because you didn't realize 4 other people took a LONG, HOT shower ahead of you.  (AND the public place, because the bathroom is also fair game.)

9.  Your Karaoke Career - because even if you sound like Shania Twain in the shower, we know Shania Twain, and you ARE not Shania Twain.

10.  Jeggings - sounds good, feels comfortable but it is still sausage casing for your legs.

What to do if they don't go as planned.

1.  Carefully plan your Rumplestilkskin moment - specifically if you want someone to feel guilty.

2.  Reconsider your options - killing said children is NOT an option.

3.  Move to Plan B - usually including Goo Gone and Duct Tape and a bottle of tequila.

4.  Ask for input - look at everyone as if they've lost their mind.

5  Plan to never do it again, then conveniently forget the pain 3 months later and do the same cycle all over again.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage - Husband/Wife Edition

Today I celebrate 26 years with a great man who loves me, puts up with all of my crap AND still smiles at me every morning.  How do we do it?  Easy.....



For the Husband:

1.  Don't worry about your socks matching, especially as she gets on in years and can't even see them as she matches them, no one looks at your socks anyway.

2.  The bra hanging on the door knob - she's just reminding you that she's still got it - don't mention it needs a little more underwire than the youthful days.

3.  Dinner is anyway you see it - that burnt food after 26 years - it's just extra flavoring.

4.  There is no perfect way to parent a child - and sometimes duct tape can help you have a casual conversation with your wife.

5.  Say I love you every single day, especially when she asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

For the Wife:

1.  No, you do not look fat in those jeans, and he knows any way he tries to say it will not come out right, just accept the "I love you" and smile.

2.  Great motto for life - always keep your fights on the clean side, and what you do in the bedroom on the dirty side.

3.  He still wants you after watching you give birth, gain then shed 50 lbs AND when you color your hair - you got a good one.

4.  Pick you arguments, the ones that don't matter just smile sweetly and keep what you are saying in your head, in your head.

5.  Starting off and then doing the work to stay friends.  You can tell your friend anything, but if they are married to you you can tell them anything AND they still love you anyway!

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, someone I've been with longer than I've been alone - and that's a good thing.  A lot of people call marriage a work of art - ours will be a masterpiece.

You know you are a writer when....

 You know you are a writer when:

1. You are a hoarder of office supplies.  The perfect tipped pen is worth more to you than a new car.
2. You are attracted to strange characters, not for yourself but for your writing.  And they get tired of you dissecting their life.
3. You are the one asking all the strange questions.   “Tell me a little bit more about that naked in the wrong locker room dream.”
4. The right combination of words sometimes is better than sex.
5. People often catch you talking to yourself, when it’s actually an argument with a character in your mind.  Some of them will not shut up!
6. You don’t get mad at people, you simply add them to your novel with the specific intention of killing them off.
7. You freak your friends out because you are constantly carrying a small notebook with you.  Especially when in mid conversation, you chuckled stop and write something down.
8. All your friends go running when you mention the dreaded “writer’s block,” because that is all you will talk about until it is gone.
9. You think it is perfectly normal to stalk the couple in the restaurant in the airport arguing to overhear their conversation.
10.   You think daydreaming is completely normal, especially when you have something to write down afterwards.
11.   You are great friends with the cashier at the bookstore, but can’t remember your child’s teacher’s first name.
12.   A sale at Barnes and Noble is better than sex.
13.   You have to have a grieving process when you finish a great book, either one you read or one you wrote.
14.   Your delete key is the most worn key on your computer.
15.   Someone besides your family members reads your blogs.

What would you add to the list?

Over 40 Not so Great Ideas....

10.  Yes, I'd love to jump with you and your friends on the trampoline.

9.  Oh, I really need those Krispy Kremes, especially right before my workout for added energy.

8.  Jumping Jacks are one of my favorite exercises.

7.  What?  Your brother is stuck in the McDonalds McMaze?  Let me go get him.

6.  I used to be crowned Queen of Square dancing, I've got this Gangnam Style DOWN!

5.  Who's pogo stick is this?  Can I give it a try?

4.  Did you pick up the Fifty Shades of Grey book?  Let's go to the bedroom.

3.  Jeggings?  The new fashion trend?  I'll have to try them.

2.  We don't need the GPS for this trip.

1.  I've never heard of a thong, will it go with my Depends?