WTF - New Mom vs Seasoned Mom

New Mom only feeds home cooked organic oatmeal to her children for breakfast.
Seasoned Mom says no to the chocolate bar for breakfast then pours a big bowl of Captain Crunch.


New Mom watching child on the playground and says, "Be careful" with LOVE.
Seasoned Mom watching child and says "Be Careful" because she doesn't have time that afternoon for a trip to the ER, and said child is wearing white, no one ever gets blood out of white.


New Mom still say, "Why did you do that?"
Seasoned Moms know that is the most useless question out there along with, "Are you busy?"

New Moms have a 5 second rule.
Seasoned Moms have the "just blow the ants off of it, it's good," Rule.


New Moms keep a beach full of mismatched socks in case they find socks.
Seasoned Moms point to the bag saying, "That IS all of your socks."


New Moms think they can act asleep and the child will go on their merry way.
Seasoned Moms have learned the art of slowing their pulse into "death mode" in an attempt to get an extra 15 minutes on a Saturday morning.

New Moms always check expirations on food for their children.
Seasoned Moms have the "I sniffed it and didn't pass out, it's good" test on food.


New Moms have the kids and themselves dressed and out the door in time for school.
Seasoned Moms are late to school and have to walk their child wearing, "I wasn't planning on getting out of the car" style they love.


New Moms get the shit scared out of them at 330 in the morning when a child quietly walks to their bedside waiting for them to wake up.
Seasoned Moms feel the presence and go back to sleep figuring if its a serial killer there's not a whole lot they can do at 330 in the morning.


New Moms feel guilty when someone else is cleaning their home.
Seasoned Moms sit back with a glass of wine and watch.


New Moms gladly eat the fried skin of the chicken on their plate so the child can eat all the good stuff.
Seasoned Moms tell their kids the food on their plate is extremely spicy enjoying all the goodness for themselves.


New Moms keep a child home from school because they "don't feel well."
Seasoned Moms take all the lightbulbs out of the room so the child cannot put the thermometer on a hot bulb warming it up to "hell is on fire" temperature.


New Moms take the lunch back to school when it is forgotten.
Seasoned Moms figure the "I forgot to put money on your school lunch account so it is prison lunch for you," will teach them a lesson.


New Moms think a "beautiful well day" would be great, let me keep the kids home and enjoy them.
Seasoned Moms remember how well the last "well day"went and will never do that again.


New Moms give the kid being an ass in public a smile saying, "It's just one of those days."
Seasoned Moms give that child a look that says, "Remember there's only you and me when we get home.  Soon, my friend, soon."


New Moms lay out their clothes the night before.
Seasoned Moms tell them they are on their own picking up their clothes from the floor sniffing them to see if they are clean.


New Moms look at that mess thinking, "Oh well, at least he's being creative."
Seasoned Moms look at that mess thinking, "You'd better be cleaning something or fleeing in the next ten seconds."

WTF - I am a Rockstar - I just didn't know it!

I never realized as a Mom, I lived the life of a rockstar!  And you do to!!  Here's a glimpse into my Rockstar days!

Daily, someone throws underwear at me.

I do the same thing, day after day, week after week.

I am on an endless road trip with a car stuffed full of people.

My name is always screamed, over and over and over.

Someone is always flicking a lighter around me.

I am always finding other peoples clothes littering my floor, along with a pair of underwear.

I am never alone. Even in the toilet.

My day is spent constantly screaming.

There is always a new instrument in my house.

The room is trashed within 5 minutes of walking through the door. And of course there is underwear on the floor.

There's always someone in my entourage insisting no Green Skittles, or "Why didn't you get the Moon Pies like I asked?"

Sometimes I can lose a good portion of my day.

There is always a surprise in my bed every morning.

Weekend nights are spent figuring out how to entertain room full of crazy kids, usually shouting my name!

Someone is always pulling at my clothes.

My day ends with alcohol, messy hair and exhaustion.

There is always some point in my day where I stop, asking myself, "Am I tripping?  Did I really just see that?"

WTF - Laundry Edition

I always quote Robert Frost during Laundry Day:

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

Mine is a little different, I smile and say:

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

I realized there are two different versions to doing the laundry.

Mom's Guide to Laundry:

Put the Vics Petroleum Jelly under your nose to cut the smell.

Go into each room picking up all the clothes off the floor.

One damp because the dog though, well if it is there then I must pee on it.

Separate everything out into Whites, Colors and Darks.

Wash Whites on Hot, with a cup of bleach.

Wash colors on Warm.

Wash Darks on Cold.

Pull each piece from the washing machine, fluff before putting in the dryer, this helps them dry quicker.

Pull everything out, getting pissed off that every single T-shirt is inside out.

Fold all the clothes.

Set them on beds for your angelic children to put away.

Easy right?

Kids Guide To Laundry.

Make sure everything is inside out. 

You underwear belongs still attached to your pants which are inside out.

Socks must be in tight balls, with several still snuggling under the covers of your bed.

Stuff as much as you can into the washer.  Hot? Cold? Warm? They are all clothes!!

Do not empty pockets, wash two chap sticks, one pack of Kleenex and a Jolly Rancher Candy.

Don't check anything coming out of the wash, pull it all in one big lump and stuff in the dryer.

Turn the dryer on the hottest setting because this will dry the clothes faster.

Pull everything out of the dryer.

Throw on your bed.

Wonder why you have oil stains on your jeans until you find empty Chapstick containers.

Move everything to the floor when you go to bed.

Figure if it is on the floor, then it's dirty.

Rinse, repeat.

Of course, for those Frost lovers, here's my version of the entire poem:

Whose clothes are these I think I know.   

I bought at Recess a week ago;   

They do not wear them, instead   

Drop them to the floor, beside the bed.   

As a Mom, I must think it queer   

Finding clothes on the floor when a hamper is near   

Between the bed and closet door   

That extra step must be a chore.   

Picking up a shirt, I give it a shake   

To ask if there is some mistake.   

I swear I just laundered this piece a day ago   

I never saw a child wear it tho.   

Dirty Clothes are not lovely, but they are deep.

And I have promises to keep,

And Piles to go before I sleep,

And Piles to go before I sleep.

Honey, obviously they are your kids

There are certain times I quietly back away saying, "Honey, they are all yours."

Because obviously they didn't get it from me.

The love affair with Napoleon Dynamite, Hot Rod and Nacho Libre. It is sad that I can quote lines from these movies, even copying the dance from Napoleon. But to be fair, they can also quote lines from Maleficent, Jaws and Lord of the Rings.

The poop and fart jokes:
I honestly don't care when someone says, "but." But apparently this is cause for outrageous hilarity when it comes to my children. They don't get that from me.

Those Dad Proud moments:
When you can burp and say a word, especially "Grilled Cheese Sandwich"
When you come running out of the bathroom saying, "You gotta see this!"

The ability to not control their thoughts in public. Like standing in line in the grocery store and some poor soul "passes gas."  It starts with them looking at me, I'm busy holding my breath pretending nothing is going on.
They don't let it go from there, then lean close, whispering, "DO YOU SMELL THAT? Someone just LET one!"
When I still don't acknowledge this, they start looking around at all the other people standing in line, rolling their eyes, with a look saying, "Don't you smell that?"
Finally dramatically holding their noses.
They DO NOT get that from me.

The "sounded like a good idea" moments.
Jumping over a pole and almost skimming off the skin of their balls.
Putting the ladder next to the trampoline so they get a bigger bounce.
Waiting behind the couch, to head lock your brother dragging him across the floor.
Sitting on your brother and farting.

Sitting and watching the romantic comedy, I sigh but they hem and haw over every kiss, or explaining how scientifically impossible it is to have explosions in space due to lack of oxygen.

Walking around in their underwear, then completely freaking out when I do it.

Yes, I gave them their good looks and smarts, they obviously got all of the above from you.

WTF - My Fall To-Do List vs. Reality

In case you haven't noticed, it's Fall Ya'll!  And in order for my family to have the proper fall experience, I've made my bucket list.  Insert long family sigh here, because I've now moved from the Summer Nazi to the Fall Nazi.

Create your bucket list of fall activities they say.

It will be fun, they say.

1.  Apple Picking and Cider -  skipping through the orchards as a family, holding hands commenting on the beautiful fall colors.

Reality - arguing to the orchard.  Someone getting stung by a bee because of all the rotten apples under the trees, the other moaning about the awful smell of rotten apples, arguing on the way home.

2.  Go on a hayride - beautiful fall day, singing Kumbaya riding together as a family.

Reality - sitting on hay bales remembering how stray pieces of hay actually can puncture through your pants to the Haunted Maze,  getting the shit scared out of me by some freaky clown, chased by dudes with chainsaws, sitting on the uncomfortable hayride back to your car.  Oh, and paying big bucks for the experience.

3.  Eat Pumpkin Pie - a touch of pumpkin pie to celebrate the season.

Reality - the whole pumpkin pie, 1,264 Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Pumpkin bread, pumpkin cookies, pumpkin blonde brownies, pumpkin gnocchi, oh and of course, pumpkin beer. Why are my jeans tight?

4. Go on a nature walk - ride the Blue Ridge Parkway getting the perfect Instagram picture of the leaves.

Reality - kids arguing in the car, no one wanting to walk UP the trail because that's work. The dog puking in the car from all the turns, finally doing it by myself taking a selfie for Instagram.

5.  Carve a Pumpkin. Find beautiful carving templates on Pinterest, buy special carving tools including a drill bit for detail, buy 4 pumpkins because you want to "theme" your carvings and each family member should carve their own pumpkin.

Reality - two pumpkins get stolen by the bears.  One falls off the porch smashing, the last is lucky getting two triangle eyes, one triangle nose, and some type of toothless mouth, delete Pinterest board you created because it makes you feel lame.

6. Wood burning fire with s'mores,  hot chocolate and good times.

Reality - 16 firestarters used creating the fires. One child almost setting the other on fire holding the flaming marshmallow to close to his hair.  No one likes burnt marshmallows.  Realizing I ate most of the chocolate that day so we are rationing the s'mores. Everyone complaining about the smoke of the fire, finally retiring inside because it is too cold.

7. Make Caramel Apples from Orchard Visit (see #1) bonding time in the kitchen melting caramel, picking out types of nuts making a sweet treat we sit around the table eating and talking.

Reality - Mom ate all the caramel.  Apples are better for you without candy on them.

Finally, that Thanksgiving month where you are supposed to post every day what you are thankful for, a lesson learning gratitude and that what you have is enough.

Reality - Running out of things to say after Day 10.

What's your Fall Bucket List?  Do things ever go as planned?

WTF - To Think I Used To Care.....

How do you know you've matured as a Mom?  Here's some good indications:

Your son walks by saying, "I can't remember the last time I showered." Rather than freaking out you think, "That's why there hasn't been so much laundry."

I now use my skill at changing dates on licenses in college to changing expiration dates on food in my fridge because we all know they are SELL BY dates, you still have at least 3 months after that.

I stopped buying anything white when my children were born. Because the process of bleaching and cleaning it much more complicated than throwing everything in together with two slabs of softener.

I don't think it is strange watching my son walk around the house with the Pepsi box on his head.  It is keeping him busy. Priorities.

I don't think it is creepy finding small smiling tooth boxes in my car with teeth still in them.  This is the staging area until I finally remember they are there and move them to another staging area in the house.

My Identa-Kid for both kids is from 2009.  Not because that is the only picture of them smiling, but that was the last time I remembered sending the money in on time.

I am very good at closing doors on problems.  Specifically both of my boys' rooms and their bathroom.  

I am convinced Lunchables are not just for Lunch any more.

When giving my son instructions, I must be precise.  "Unload the laundry from the washer into the dryer. Put the pile of crap in front of the washer in the washer.  ADD detergent (the blue bottle up top)  Close the doors.                           Oh, an TURN BOTH washer and dryer on."  (Paid for omitting that last instruction once)

I always keep a toothbrush, toothpaste and bottle of water in my car.  That's for me.  Are you kidding, I'd never let them touch that, you don't know where their teeth have been.

Finally, I am wondering if I should just throw away their baby books.  They can remember how happy and wonderful their childhood was, rather than noticing how lame their Mom was.......

But I kept everyone alive, that's an accomplishment?

Oh, who counts the errant plant!

WTF Cheers to us non Helicopter Moms

It is amazing how quickly you can go from front and center of Mom Central to the woman in the yoga pants, with the meth looking hairdo, throwing your kids out of the car in the carpool line screaming,

"Run you mothers!  RUUUUNNNNN!"

I do stop, picking up the crap including a few moldy Happy Meal toys they kicked out of the car sprinting for the closing door.  I'm not a litterer.

For some reason, I can make it to the school much quicker than the other Moms I talk to in the carpool line.  Or maybe they are politely telling me I am a terrible driver.

There are helicopter Moms, then there are Moms like me:

I'm that one finding out about the fundraiser, when my son comes home saying everyone got the little rubber ducky, or monkey, or polar bear or whatever it was but me.

I'm like.

"There was a fundraiser?  You never gave me the information?"

Of course the little shit, pulls the envelope out of the big pile of recycling in the pantry.

I read it over.

Oh please, there is no way all those other parents sold $216.27 dollars worth of shit for the little plastic animal necklace, let alone that kid actually collecting all 7!

They paid off the school.  How do I know? Because I was guilty enough one year doing it. I filled out the student fundraising sheet with a bunch of names and addresses, keeping all 16 tubs of cookie dough for myself. Did the school care?  Not one bit!  How did I know?  I put names like

Chris P. Bacon
Ima Burnbutts
Bob Roberts
Ura Johnson
Not a single family member because, hey, some are in the same school district, I could get outed by the chairman of the fundraising committee saying to my sister in law, "Did you enjoy the white chocolate macadamia nut cookie dough?"

The school expects that from us lame parents. But hey, they get their money, I gain about 15 pounds eating cookie dough raw (because that's what I do) and we are all happy.

Now, I'm on duty for the school dance, my son cheerfully explains to me. "You are a chaperone!"

Oh God.  A dance, wasn't he learning to walk yesterday? Putting the ruler between the boy and girl dancing? (Really, I grew up in Catholic School, your school didn't do this?)

When is the dance?  I ask.
I don't know, he replied. An apple not too far from the tree.

So I turn to Google.  Did you know the Halloween Dance at my son's school was on the 1st in 2012, and again on the 31st in 2013?  I can find every date except for 2015.  I'm trying really hard not being  that Mom.

"So, when is the school dance?" I write to the teacher.
"Did you not see the flyer, the dance RSVP was due two days ago." The teacher replies.
"Can I bribe you with some cookie dough to sneak him in?" I ask.

Luckily, I didn't procrastinate enough, the school replied they don't have a date yet.

Whew!  I'm one step ahead of the game.

Might as well celebrate with some cookie dough.

Disclaimer: Don't mention the cookie dough to my kids. They may realize some of it is expired and we still have 2 tubs to go.

What Childbirth Has Taught Me - I Can Endure Anything

Childbirth.  That one lie that every women tells you, “You’ll forget all about it when you hold that baby.”   Luckily this is not true, God intended us to not forget about childbirth, because it prepares for other, equally harrowing adventures in a lifetime with children.  Some specifics come to mind.

The Doctor’s Visit.  Childbirth and all the completely humiliating doctor’s visits that accompany it prepare us for a lifetime of doctor’s visits with our children.  (Yes, even some of them when they are adults)  Childbirth prepares us for those first visits to the Pediatrician with a baby, when they get their first shots and exams.  My child after the first checkup, immediately recognized the doctor’s office. Knowing it entailed shots, he started screaming the minute we walked through the revolving door.  He continued screaming in the waiting room, in the examination room, through the entire process.  The screams to my surprised got louder when the nurse arrived with the needle, after which he went back to his “normal” screams.  I don’t remember any instructions from any doctor’s visit because I couldn’t hear her, all I remember was the child screaming.  If I can endure monthly hour long screaming episodes, I attribute that to childbirth. 

Childbirth helps us deal with getting older.  Once you go through showing everything off to a group of doctors, nurses and close family members (with one of them filming) suddenly you are less conscious about your body.  Childbirth also prepares you for the lifetime of people walking in on you when you are naked.  It is nothing after 46 hours of labor where everyone walking into the room looks at your crotch.  Makes it easier when I child walks in on you after a shower.  You turn around with everything hanging out asking, “What?” 

Childbirth also prepares mothers for the teenage years.  Going through 36 hours of the sights and smells of giving birth makes anything coming out of your teenager’s room seem pale in comparison.  Waiting, in pain, for 15 hours makes the 45 minute wait for your hot water to return after a teenager’s shower seem like a blink in time. 

Childbirth is a tough experience, something I will never forget.  The above are difficult, but my lessons learned in the delivery room prepared me to me a mom.  The hardest most difficult experience, that I have likened to childbirth is the Chuck E Cheese experience.  Not only has the joys of pregnancy prepared me for this, but the pain of childbirth made me battle ready.

Going into Chuck E Cheese with children is like being pregnant.  Everyone is excited and happy in the beginning, almost kind of giddy.  Like the “honeymoon stage” of pregnancy, you watch your child enjoy the rides, play the games, ordering pizza and of course at our Chuck e Cheese, beer.  (remember I already gave birth)  Then as time wears on, you realize that certain things are making you feel uncomfortable.  Like, did you son just pickup something off the floor and eat it?  Or, can someone please turn off that ride that yells “Yahoo” every 2 minutes?  Yes, it is every two minutes because in your obsessiveness you’ve timed it.

Then you have to crawl through the Chuck E Cheese maze getting a stuck child out.  You squeeze your fat ass through the tubes until you locate the toddler sitting and crying.  Pulling him back out makes you think childbirth was a little easier.  But your next experience proves you wrong.

Just like the end of a pregnancy, there is a slight bit of dread, but anticipation as you pack your bag for the hospital.  In Chuck E Cheese, or in the Arcade, or anywhere kids play games, your child walks up with 4,219 tickets ready to check out.  Your husband usually, watching the child come up with a wad of tickets in his hand, has to go to the bathroom at that time from too much beer (did I mention our Chuck E Cheese serves beer?)  You look down at that little minion with dread as you approach the prize counter.

You are behind 4 other children picking out their prizes, knowing that waiting with the tickets they are holding, you’ve got an easy 20 minutes many longer.  Knowing the desired outcome (a happy child) you can handle the wait.  Then the real labor comes in.

Your child has 4,219 tickets.  They first want the grand prize of a Nerf gun.  The Nerf gun unfortunately costs 24,897 tickets, just a slight difference from your child’s current wad.  Your husband is still in the bathroom as you explain to a crying child that they cannot have the Nerf Gun and they will have to choose another item.  They start dispensing their 4,219 tickets with a 6 ticket Tootsie Roll. 4,216 tickets left.  This is where your experience with labor and deliver comes into play.  Luckily we can order a beer at our Chuck E Cheese as the child moves up to a 15 ticket kazoo. 4,201 tickets left.  Then just like childbirth 8 hours later, you are still pushing with 157 tickets left.  Here comes the final push, lean down to the child saying, "Look!  The kazoo is 160 tickets, they'll give you 3 tickets!"  The attendant gives it to you and everyone walks out of Chuck E Cheese cradling their newborn prizes swaddled up in a brand new bag.  Of course, the kazoo disappears the minute you shut the minivan door.  You endured childbirth, you’re not enduring the constant kazoo of “Hot Cross Buns” during your 15 minute ride home.

Funny though, like Childbirth you say you will never "do that again?"  Well, for some reason you're back 9 months later either at the hospital or Chuck E Cheese! Welcome to childbirth, again.  It is no wonder why hospital’s provide epidurals and Chuck E Cheese serve beer.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Snowy Day in November

I am one of those crazy runners, no matter what the weather (for the most part) I'm still out there getting my miles in.  Today was no exception because it was snowing.  I wasn't missing this one, I was going for my run.  I love running in the snow, from Lake effect living in Cleveland, to Nor'easters living in Swampscott Mass to the OH MY GOD we got 1 inch of Winston Salem, NC.  On Beech Mountain the snow started at midnight, I just sat at the window watching the fat, wet, flakes come down.

I waited until the temperature got closer to above freezing, then put on my layers and made it out into the snow.  There is nothing like it.

Everything is quieter when running in the snow.  Even your footsteps are muffled.
Everything looks cleaner when covered in white, today the snow clung to all the branches of the trees making them look like tall snowmen.
There is a peace in running outside your element, in changing your gate because you are slipping a little bit, and pulling off the gator taking a deep breath of the cold, moist air.

I found gratitude in this run because as my feet hit the trail, I thought of those who could not run.  I thought of a few Thanksgivings back when I wondered why my mother couldn't keep up on our "walks" like she used to, both of us trudging through the snow.  She had surgery two weeks later finding out there was a brain tumor, so yes, her gate had changed, she was dragging a foot.  I remember talking during that walk, about nothing in particular, but the snow made our conversation sound like the only thing on that street, muffling out all the normal noises so we just heard each other.    We walked the morning before the busy Thanksgiving holiday, enjoying the quiet, the solitude of doing what everyone else in the house thought was crazy.

As I started up my hill, I thought about how thankful I am for my health.  That I can get out in the craziest of weather and still exercise and love it.  That I may be getting older and much of my times are getting slower, but I am moving to the point of just getting out there means I won.

My thoughtful gratitude was interrupted when a pickup truck slowed down and stopped next to me as I was climbing the hill.

"Are you all right?"  A little old man asked from the pickup truck.
I look at him, "Yes, I'm just running."

And it occurred to me that either I was:
A.  Crazy for running out in this weather, or
B.  I really did look that bad running up that hill.

How to talk Halloween

In case anyone didn't know, we love Halloween.  But as usual, someone overbooked my schedule and we didn't get the bulk of Halloween decorations up until today.  Luckily Halloween is still tomorrow, so we're cool.  I thought I would share some of our conversation while decorating today.


We started talking costumes.  "So I'm going to put on a Ghillie suit and scare people before they get to the house."

"Honey, a Ghillie suit is supposed to hide you from an animal hunting.  I think any normal person would recognize a person there."

"Oh, then I'll just dig a big ditch and hide in there."

"You go right ahead baby."

Second child, "Mom I want to scare people but I want candy too.  What do I do?"

"You could scare everyone away from our house, then you can keep all the candy for yourself.  Your brother has braces and can't eat any of it."

*wicked smile.

Then we have the conversations about decorating.  Anyone listening in would be convinced that serial killers live in our house:

"I think the eyeballs should go in the bathroom.  No one will expect them there."

"Will people see the bones if they are scattered around the front yard?"

"I'm thinking a skull here, then the crazy skull at the top of the steps, they will never know what hit them."

"So I can hide behind this tree and try to kill them before the get to the front yard, right?"

"Does blood come out of clothes?"

"Grab them before they get the candy, that is the best way to do it."

"Do not spit blood on the little kids, OK?"

"I think brains, guts and chicken nuggets sounds great!"

"The machete works much better than the knife."

"Pull my finger."

OK, maybe the last one isn't really Halloween, but it is the first TRICK so I don't have to give him a treat.  I feel sorry for the innocent little Elsas coming to the Melang house, with all the decorations my children have set up, it will be like walking the gauntlet.  Who will be brave enough to actually make it to the candy?

It's a Given - the Fair Edition

I don't care where you live, there's some type of fair that comes to town once a year.  And like lemmings over the cliff, you go every year, wondering half way through creating the memory, why you do it.  Because if you ever decide to go to the fair, there's quite a few givens.



Your hands will feel sticky the minute your fair admission ticket leaves your hand.
They will feel sticky the entire time you are at the fair.
Then you will touch something (the handle of a ride, the doorknob of the restroom, the counter of the Pig Butt on a Stick vendor) and encounter something wet.
Now they are wet AND sticky.

At this moment, something on your body will itch.
Most likely eye, making you wonder about pink eye.
Or hair, making you freak about lice.
or skin making you worry about leprosy.

I think the fair sends out smoke signals when it comes to town because
there's a lot of people here I swear I never saw before
that shouldn't be wearing that whatever

they think is covering up their whatever
because it is not working.

Who are these people?
Many of them are breeding more fair goers of the future, getting them hooked on the candy apples, the cotton candy and the kettle corn.
Do they not understand that walking around the fair with a gigantic turkey leg hanging from your mouth is NOT sexy?
Honestly, there are a few that could safely enter the "Strange Freaks" show of the fair and be detained because they thought they were part of the show.
Not to mention the employees of the fair, I hope someone is doing background checks on these people because if you opened the dictionary to serial killer, a few pictures may look familiar.

So I am not sure what scared me more:
Everything you touch at the fair is sticky.
The unknown substance on the wire cage of the ride you're getting ready to get on.
The smell of sweat in another ride as the door closes and you realize you have no point of the horizon as it starts going around.
How easily a fresh made doughnut can disappear - after a pretzel, a box of popcorn, a funnel cake, two large sweet teas.
And after all that food you're still eyeing the fried Oreos, thinking, "Maybe?"
That you have to tip the restroom lady even if the surfaces in the restroom are STICKY?
And girlfriend, you're JUICY shirt, obviously two sizes too small with the jeggings is fodder for the Haunted House which was pretty lame and needed sprucing up anyway.

As we walk out of the fair, we all sigh at the new memory, move a little bit of extra fat around and grab for the hand sanitizer as we get in the car.

Ahhh, off the hook for another year.  Remember, nothing good happens at the Fair.

When was the last time

I am home with my boys pretty much twenty four seven, when I locked myself in the bathroom for a few seconds of peace I wondered.

When was the last time:

I actually fit into my jeans without laying on my back.  Was it before Moe's opened in Winston Salem but after?  Because that could be the culprit.

When did red wine stain my teeth, or when did I actually notice it.  Have I been walking around looking like I below on the street for years?

When was the last time I actually looked forward to putting on a bra?  Because every day I actually look forward to tearing one off and chasing my kids with it as they yell, EWWWW!

When did my sh*t not stink?  Because all of a sudden I'm having hot flashes in the bathroom and they are not the closing in on 50 kind of hot flashes.

When did stretchy pants become my go to apparel?  When I found that paired with the baby doll top I could actually be comfortable and look like a, well, a fat baby doll?

When did I write that blog post?  I don't remember writing it but it is pretty darn funny.

When was the last time someone liked something I cooked?  Oh, that again, was before I had kids.

When was the last time I didn't have to put the toilet seat down?  I got nothing on this one.

When did running turn into work?  When it became my way of weight control rather than enjoying the scenery.

When did the word "Stop" take on a new meaning?  When my kids started using it 1567 times a day and then I catch myself yelling, "STOP!" for them TO STOP!

When was the last time I had a hyper organized, productive day?  Oh yeah, that was 13 years ago before my first child was born.

When did I learn there are so many words, sayings, and emotions that have to do with farting?  When I had boys.

When will I ever learn?

Never.

Texting - the Mom Edition

Since I am no stranger to my iPhone, and I thought I've become pretty savvy with texting, thought I would share my Momisms when it comes to texting.....

WTF - Wow, that's fantastic.
WHTF, Wow honey, that's fantastic.


DYHM - Did you hear me?
DYHM :-?  Did you hear me AGAIN?

ALBTM - A little bird told me.  As in, ALBTM WTF!

WUYFCH - Wait until you father comes home!

:-( )   You're not wearing that to school, stop sending out selfie pictures.

BC Because as in BCISS Because I said so.  :-()  BCISS

(^^)   Did you brush your teeth?

MILF - mother I'd like to friend

( *  * )  I't going to snow today

TAIN  - The answer is no.

IDK - I-denta-Kid  Awful picture on IDK, (^^)

LOL - Little Old Lady.  Met a MILF she's LOL

JB  - Just because.

CYA - See Ya!  or some Moms say Cover Your Assets

JBISS - Just because I said so  as in.  JBISS WUYFCH

E - E  - enough is enough

FML - Family Medical Leave - as in, Did you FML?

1....2....3   :-(  I'm going to give you to the count of three.....

SAM  - stop annoying me!

ROFL - Reaching Our For Love as in WTF ROFL!

ILY - you should know this one.


Do you have any new Momism texting Terms?

WTF - Things I'd Like To Hear

Most of my days are full of listening to things I don't want to hear, the elephant thuds of boys footsteps through the house, the washing machine giving up the ghost, the bright ideas of boys to the husband wanting to explain the basics of organizing the Kitchen pantry.  Just for once, here's a few things I'd LOVE to hear:

"Did you read the news story, they've developed a pill that kills all the fat in wine.  It's called WineNo"

"Oh wait Mom, why don't you relax while my brother and I read you some poetry."

My RunKeeper App, "Oh wait I was wrong, I thought you were on mile 12 but you are actually at mile 13.1."

"I just read your blog.  Yes, I actually read it.  You know, a lot of people read your blog."

"Did you read there is a low cost permanent solution to billy goat hairs on the chinney chin chin?"


"Don't worry Mom, I'm sure I'll find someone to carpool with to all the football practices, you should't waste all that gas."

"Dinner?  Don't worry about it, we're not hungry."

"Hey look, it is actually 5 o'clock."

"Mrs. Melang, did you notice the wine was on sale?

"Mom, I heard everything you said, I'm going to go do it right now."

"We're going on a long drive?  Let me go to the bathroom first."

"Here Mom, here's your charger, I don't need it anymore."

"Did the dog take a crap on the floor?  Let me go ahead and clean that up."

"I'm tired of playing games on my phone all the time, I think I will read a book."

"That dress you wore in high school?  It fits you perfectly now."

And the best one?

"My brother and I have decided to get along.  Why cause so trouble?

What would you like to hear if you had the perfect day?

Did Mom Just Say That?

Things that you will never hear a mother say:

“Wow, this is the first time in a year that you cleaned out under your bed?  That's where all those clothes went!  I can’t wait to do these 16 loads of laundry.”

“That’s fantastic that your field trip is today and you need an orange shirt.  Hold on I’ve got an orange sharpie and a white T-shirt, give me about an hour.”

“What?  I didn’t say clean the WHOLE deck?  Oh, that’s OK, I’ll go back out there and clean the stairs for you.”

“Oh, that’s not what you wanted for dinner.  Let me run this next door to the neighbors so I can start on something you really want to eat.

"You know what?  I hate doing laundry, and you're right, you do not have enough clothes.  Here's my credit card."

"Here, I'll give you whatever you want, please stop crying."

“Oh you don’t like the 85 dollar shoes now?  That’s OK, I look really good in neon Michael Jordan high top basketball shoes.”

"No, no, you go ahead and buy those coins on your game.  I don't need to buy groceries this week."

"How many times do I have to tell you to keep that door open.  I am trying to air condition the neighborhood."

"Oh honey, if everyone else is doing it, then absolutely, you MUST do it too!

“I love the exercise I get when you let the dog out and she takes off down the street.  I feel my legs getting stronger.”

“Oh good, that laundry smells like feet.  I’m glad I got my sense of smell back.”

"Honey, can you come and dig that Lego out of the bottom of my foot.  I think it took part of my callous off."

"You know, that red Icee you spilled on my carpet has given them a lot of character!"

“It is so nice to have the monthly alarm of the smell of pee reminding me to clean the toilet in the boys bathroom.”

“What?  Oh honey, I wasn’t sleeping, I just had my eyes closed.”

and finally,

"Yes, you're right.  I didn't realize it.  I am made of money!"

Oh Pinterest You Did It Again - Belly Wrap Edition

So I've been reading about body wrapping and came to two very powerful conclusions.  If it helps with my muffin top it is worth it.  And, boy it is pretty expensive.

So I went to Pinterest and decided, heck, look at how easy those pictures make it.  I'll do my own belly wrap.

Easy, right?  Buy some Ace bandages, Epsom Salt, Coconut Oil and green tea.

It was easy and my first wrap was a success except.....

Note to Self:


Do not do your long run the same day as your belly wrap.

Next time you buy epsom salts, do not buy the Peppermint salts.

If you are running during wrap day, put plenty of Body Glide on your butt and do not decide to shave your hoochie Hoo.

Because the water from the salts will run to a certain place, and oh Lordy.....

Now I know what "being on fire" feels like, and I am not talking about my stellar personality, I'm talking about my nether region.

There.  You are welcome.  In a completely G rated post I was able to convey that Peppermint Epsom Salts on a chaffed ass will make it feel like it is completely on fire.

Now, I know why I took a Lamaze class over 13 years ago - to perfect the breathing when in the same type of pain as labor.

Maybe I'll just keep my extra baggage around my middle so people will not be TOO jealous that I am smart, funny, beautiful AND skinny.

WTF - Why I Don't Buy Nice Things......

I always wondered why my mother never invested in a couch for our downstairs, how our couch started fraying at the edges, smelling slightly like sweat, and eventually needed a book under it because one of the legs broke.

Now I understand.

Kids wreck things.

Specifically kids wreck YOUR things.

The amount of trashing an item is in direct proportion to how much you paid for the item.

T-shirt picked up at consignment store - they'll spill some tea on it.

Expensive blouse bought for a cocktail party - they'll accidentally squirt soy sauce on it, or better yet, they'll spill their Red dye Number 5 Tummy Yummy down the front of it before you leave for the party.

It always goes the same:

"Mom, let me use your iPod/iPhone/Computer/GPS/Garmin?"

"No, because you'll break it.

"I will not!  I swear I will be careful, I will be SUPER careful.  PLEASE!"

"No."

"Come on Mom, I need it for my homework/essay/life well being."

"OK, but please, please be careful."

Child gets the item, then will usually do something like:

"I don't know what happened, it just dropped."

Me, "What did you press?"  Them, "Nothing I swear."  Me, "Why is everything resetting?"

me, "What happened to my iPod/iPhone/Computer?"  Them, looking at me stupidly.

I think all adults should be tased when they think about giving their child  their expensive item - because we fall for it.  Every.  Single.  Time.  .

Here's why we do not buy expensive stuff:

Kids will spill their Blue Icees in your brand new car with the tan interior.
Kids will pull your Beats headphones out by the cord until it tears.
Kids will wear your expensive running shoes then end up playing in a creek.
Kids will keep pressing buttons on your electronics until they don't work.
Kids will stuff their mouth full of goldfish and then sneeze in the backseat of your car.
Kids are holding the cabinet door, "I don't know how it came off the hinges."

So that couch stayed in the basement until we all were gone to college.  That couch held a lot of secrets from my teenage years, some consisting of throw up and others well, never mind.  My mother was smart as I watch my son dump his red Kool Aid onto my new leather couch.

WWMD - What Would Mom Do?

Here is my challenge to other bloggers, in honor of Mother's Day, I challenge you to write a piece about what you mother has taught you and then pass the torch on to all of your blogging and non blogging friends.

My mother passed away a few years ago from brain cancer.  I wish I'd taken the time to sit with her and ask her questions about life, about who I am, and about my family.  There are so many moments in my life where I question my sanity and wish I could just pick up the phone and make that phone call, hearing, "Don't worry.  It's not you.  Boy when you were little you did the same thing."  But instead I focus on those things that I feel she ingrained in me, made sure since she wasn't here a long period of time that I focus on the important things.

There is nothing you cannot do.  Sure Mom was always pushing us, but it was because she wanted more for us, she us to move beyond the street we grew up on, she wanted us to live.  She showed us that she could do the same thing is walking into a new job, a new life and persevering because to her, failure was not an option.  Try bringing home a bad grade in math in elementary school, she taught us early that she expected more from us and wasn't taking no for an answer.  Later in her chemotherapy time she still didn't give up, she decided that sure things may look like shit at the moment, but just being here was worth it.

I'll never forget watching her on that hospital bed playing Uno with my oldest son, listening to him complain that he was losing to her every time because they were "princess cards."  He didn't notice that her head was shaved, that there were tubes coming out of her, he noticed the princess cards because she didn't draw that attention, she simply went on with life.

I love that in her diagnosis we had the gift of time.  We were able to tell her how we felt in those months, talk about different feelings, and most of all hug her.  We didn't mind pushing her around on the red rocker (combination walker wheel chair) we just knew that every moment, every memory we created were special because unlike others out there, Mom had an expiration date.  There was a journey waiting for her that few even knew existed until they were stepping off that ledge.

Have some fun.  Sure, our dogs never sat or heeled or pooped in our yard.  We had hamsters that ran along the top of the kitchen cabinets.  We had birds that flew around the house landing on the dinner table picking the seeds out of the tomatoes.  Our house was never spotless, there was always time to play mermaid on the blue carpet in the basement rather than scrubbing toilets.  Later I remember her running after Wolfgang who was 3 at the time with a Ninja Turtle mask while I tried to get used to another newborn.  She always had time to have fun with her grandkids, a trait I hope to pass on.  We played hard then we cleaned up - it was simple.  Dishes after Thanksgiving, wrapping paper after a birthday, dog poop after a new puppy.  I love how I told her after a few beers to look "casual" going into the hotel to use the bathroom.  Well, she tripped into the hotel lobby, and tripped going back out to the street - both of us laughing.

Don't give up.  Many can decide to live in the life they have.  My mother decided that there was something out there for her and she went for it.  She wasn't looking for romance, she was looking for a partner and she found one.  Someone who sat with her every night drinking a beer talking about their day, someone who enjoyed making homemade soup as much as she did, someone who pushed her in the wheelchair during those years, gently touching her bald head before lightly kissing it.  Someone who took care of her and loved her until the end, loved her so much that he passed of a broken heart 6 weeks later.  Most are not that lucky.

When it is time, it is time.  My mother fought the good battle against a disease that slowly takes the pieces of the person you love and steals them away.  We took her advice when we had to make the hard decisions in her treatment, when we had to bond together and say goodbye.  We knew that she lived life to the fullest and the present condition was not acceptable, we knew that from years of listening to her tell us what she wanted us to do, she was silently telling us it was time.  There was a new adventure awaiting,  time to let her go.  The nurse told us, "She had a strong heart," when she died, we all knew that was true.

I know that we did the right thing, because when I want to call her and ask those questions, I feel a sense of peace.  Leave the dead be, they are in their own place, your job is to live now, is what she always told me.

Oh, and the secret to a clean house?

Lower the shades, they'll never see the dust.

WTF - Do not make me go there!

I've explained to my children that I am a sweet, wonderful girl.  They, however have sucked the sweetness out of my until I resemble this old crone, pointing a finger at them saying, "You!  You did this to me!"  How did they do it?  Let me start my list.

Mothering moment of the day.  I don't know what I hate more, folding laundry, matching socks, or putting it away.  But coming back to my folded laundry and finding that someone was "looking for something" and DESTROYED it?  So what did I do?

I went into their room, taking each piece of clean laundry, folding it into a ball and throwing it at them.  "No, I'm not folding it anymore.  Why should I, you just ball it up and leave it on the floor anyway."  Oh, that they were laughing while dodging clean underwear - well, that didn't help.

Where Is such and such?  Seriously, do you think because I am the only one in this house with boobs that they will automatically point to the object you are looking for?  Especially when you push your favorite pair of pants under your bed.  I'll automatically know where they are AND take them and wash them?

Do not even think of asking me to find something when you are late for school.  I can safely say that if they ever recast the movie Rumplestilkskin, they have a leading character in me!  If it is the, "Oh, I forgot my school project,"  to "where is my belt, my pants are falling down," don't spring things on me at the last minutes.  Don't especially tell me 2 minutes before we are due to walk out the door that you don't have any "clean" clothes.  They are clean, you just let them fall into balls on the floor and didn't pick them up.  If the dog has peed on them but they have not been in the washing machine since I last washed them, in my dictionary - THEY ARE CLEAN.

Newsflash - when you leave an empty container in the refrigerator - there isn't some fairy that appears magically filling it back up.  That is true for:
Yogurt containers  (Seriously, who leaves the empty yogurt container in the fridge WITH THE SPOON IN IT?)
Ice cream containers
orange juice
Danimals
Jello

The last roll of toilet paper is not the lost scroll of Amenhotep.  Touching it will not make you go blind. There are a few things you do in the bathroom that may accomplish that.

And if you really want to piss Mom off, leave the empty box of Butterscotch Krimpets in the pantry.  When I sneak in there at 10pm, and reach for it and find it EMPTY.

"Aaagh!!!"

Now that you are old enough, there are few things I will not do:
I don't pour glasses of milk.
I don't put dishes in the dishwasher
I don't smell socks to see if they are clean.
I will NEVER, I repeat NEVER pull your finger (you learned this from Daddy)

There you have it, I've lowered my standards because you've lowered yours.  Here's what I'm doing:

I'm throwing the pile of laundry on your bed until you can't stand it and fold it yourself.  (see how you like turning every single T-shirt right side in!)

I'm hiding a plate, utensils, and cup for me (you're resorted to finally eating off the counter because everything has disappeared into your room.

I'm hiding the toilet paper to make sure A, there's always some for me and B. You don't know where it is.

Oh and that bullhorn I just bought.  Well you'll find out about that tomorrow morning.

And finally, I'm leaving the seat DOWN after I pee.

Don't mess with Momma!

What did you say?

Just to help you out.  Here are how some comments in my home are tranlated by my Mom Brain.

Significant Other - "Good Morning Sweetie."

Translation - "Why are you standing there eating that Krispy Kreme doughnut, don't you know it goes straight to your waist?"

Child - "What's in my lunch box?"

Translation - did you give me something good or ANOTHER peanut and butter jelly sandwich?

Child - "Why do I have to go to bed now?"

Translation - "I really want to be a jackass in the morning and going to bed early is foiling my evil plan."

BFF - "Would you like a taste?"

Translation - "I know you hate what you ordered for lunch, but you cannot finish off mine."

BFF - "I'm not sure about that one."

Translation - "Those white leggings look like sausage casings on your ass, actually, they may be cutting off the circulation to your cankles.  And believe me the looks you would get wearing that?  You'll thank me for giving you advice."

ME - "I was up all night reading my book."

Translation - "OK, I ending up in a marathon on Criminal Minds, but reading for fifteen minutes before going to bed cancels that brainless activity out."

ME - "You'll eat it and you'll like it."

Translation - "Sure it tastes like shit, I made it.  But someone has to eat it, AND it's is healthy."

ME - "Because I said so."

Translation - "I have no answer, and I'm pissed off.  You'd better stop now before things get ugly."

BFF - "Did you see the new tunics at Bella Nova Boutique?"

Translation - "Obviously you haven't been working on your sit ups - you're gonna need those."

It is easy when you have the translations to understand either:

a.  The look you get from your wife, mother, other.
b.  The slap from said person, or
c.  That silence when you ask "Are you OK?" and they answer, "I'm fine."

Translation - someone is sleeping in the dog house that night and it's not her.

Do you have any translations you would like to add?