Teenage Blackmail Fodder - Helmet Diving

The boys and I discussed going snorkeling while in Bermuda, we even went as far as planning the day and the time.  Then, like everything else in life, things change, and like the perfect mother I profess to be, by the advice of a bartender.

Segue - Whistler PreK (pre-kids) with the hubby.  "Honey, the bartender told me skiing the glacier is like a hard blue.  Let's do it."  Two Lifts, one jay bar then a mile hike in ski boots to the edge of a cliff.  He starts calling me a few names, so I do what any good wife would do, I just jump off the ledge leaving him cussing at the top.  By the way, he survived and later at the same bar I overheard him saying, "Yep, skied a glacier."

Should I go with the advice of a bartender again?  After all, I survived skiing the glacier.

This bartender at the Dirty Onion says, "Why go snorkeling when you can do the helmet diving."

"Helmet diving?"  I'm thinking (and dating myself here) Sea Hunt?  With the gold diving helmet, the white Speedo and Lloyd Bridges?

"Yes!  You see the fish up and close, I swear that guy is friends with the fish."

Hmm.  Given the prospect of putting a 75 lb helmet on my head, going under water looking at the reef up close and personal, I'm balking a little at the money.

Taking a picture of my teenager in that helmet and using it as blackmail for the rest of his life?

I'm in.

The boat is as old as the Sea Hunt TV show, the captain welcoming us on board, only two of them, and seven shiny gold helmets.

"Are we the only ones on the boat?"  The teenager asks horrified.

Luckily for him there are six in our group as we speed out 1 mile to the reef.  I'm signing the "If you die it is not our fault" waivers and start to worry.

I don't like close spaces

I don't like being underwater

I have felt like I was growing in several of my triathlon swims.

Will I freak out?

We all sit quietly waiting, not admitting to each other that we are nervous.

As the deckhand prepares our air hoses the teenager turns to his younger brother, "Remember when you made me mad the other day?"

The youngest nods, then watches his brother pinch the air hose.

Before we could back out, we are on the ladder, the helmet, by a handle settled on our shoulders, and we climb down the latter.  All you can hear is the bubbling of the air which I take as a good sign.  We follow the ladder to the bottom, walking over to the reef.

Do you know how hard it is to walk on the bottom of the ocean with a helmet on your head while the skirt of your bathing suit rides up to your boobs.  We all looked like drunken sailors moving in the water.

The guide knows everyone one of the fish waiting for us at the reef.  Charlie the Hogfish, Dennis the Snapper, Earl the Pufferfish.  The come right up to the window of my helmet staring at me like, "Look Earl this idiot thinks she's cool down here. Look at high her bathing suit is riding up!"  They are sniffing around us for food but our guide is the only one feeding them. When it comes time for pictures, I swear these fish pose for the camera better than Madonna.  They float by in front of us, pausing, then smiling before moving on.  It's hard because the front of the helmet makes things look larger than they seem, I am hoping that is the case with my thighs.  The guide doesn't understand me when I yell, "Just take it from the waist up!"

It is a magical experience as he points out different parts of the reef, holding up signs - rock scallop, brain coral, stinging nettles until my son pinches me and I jump about 15 feet in the air, a very slow progress underwater.  I look over to both kids laughing thinking I'll post those pictures right away, not saving them for blackmail.

The dive?  An expensive 30 minutes walking around on the bottom of the reef taking in the sights from a different perspective, everyone agreed it was the highlight of the trip.

Oh and later that night when the teenager was complaining about something?  I wondered why I didn't pinch his air hose earlier that day?

Sigh

Day Two - Hotel Wars

Day Two Hotel Wars

This time the drive was much shorter, as crossing from Virginia in the Chesapeake Tunnel moved to simply looking at corn fiields.

Me, “Let’s pull off into those little towns.”

Teenage Son, “Really Mom, what is there to do in a little town.  Especially when we don’t have a good internet connection.”
Youngest son, “Did your bed bugs go away?”

Teenager starts itching.

Given the chore of booking a hotel room, I was told by the hubby, “Find us something cheap.  With a breakfast.”

So that is exactly what I did.  I found us the Knights Inn of Virginia Beach, a lovely two room suite with kitchenette and piping hot breakfast.

The boys complained the room smelled.

The boys complained that several people in the parking lot looked like pimps.

I wondered how the boys knew what pimps were.

"Will someone rob us here?"  The youngest asked.

On checking out, no one wanted the piping hot breakfast as that meant eating your food in front of the hotel manager while standing in the lobby.  We opted for just a cup of coffee.

The next day as I drove, Dad was given the job of finding the hotel room in Baltimore.

“Guess what boys!  We have a two room GRAND SPA suite at the Inn a Black Olive!”

He went through the list:

All organic hotel.  Two rooms, two beds with turkish towels and sheets. 

Jacuzzi tup

TV that actually was the twentieth century.

A complimentary bottle of gluten free/organic mountain spring water.

Rooftop deck with restaurant

I stop the car and look at my husband.  “What did you spend on that?”

He looks back at the kids and winks, “I got a deal it was only 154/night!  Thank goodness for the Baltimore Riots!”

Both boys turn to me.  “And you got us the bed bug infested Knights Inn?”

I look at everyone.  “OK, one, I was given a budget of only twenty dollars.  And two, it was Virginia Beach.”

Both kids look at me, “We need Dad to pick out the hotel rooms from now on.”

We enjoy our spa suite, walk around Fells Point, with a dinner at Charleston’s, our favorite restaurant.  Tony Foremand and Cindy Wolf started at Savanah’s back when we lived in Fells Point.  We’ve followed them from different restaurants and different experiences.  Tonight I became one of those persons on the Food Network Shows.

For my first course I had a 23 year old Pappy VanWinkles bourbon.  Woodsy but delicious.

We both had Lobster Soup - brought out as lobster in the middle of a bowl with a curry reduction around it.  The intesne broth was then poured around it creating this amazing soup.

Followed by a Mushroom Tart - mushrooms with feta cheese and sauce in a puff pastry tart covered with edive.  The nice sherry we had added a different dimension to the meal as we tasted it with the food pairing.

Frozen Custard for dessert rounded the meal perfectly, the cool cream and a nice sherry complimenting each other.

We finished the evening taking our youngest on a walk through Fells Point, funny that as we walked up to the Cat’s Eye Pub, we left a friend sitting on those marble steps over 20 years ago, and as we walked up there he was sitting in the same place so many years later.  I wish we could say that neither of us had changed.

I am going to tell the children that I chose the room for this cruise, I really need to pick things up a notch.

WTF - Travel John? Day One Road Trip

Road Trip

There is nothing like having the time for a road trip, especially a by-way road trip.  This year we are traveling to Baltimore from Beaufort, NC and decided rather than suffering through the traffic of I-95, traveling down the shores of North Carolina, Virginia, Delaware and Maryland.  Hence, the by-way, the slow way, the family bonding way.

Our trip started with the ferry from Cedar Point to Ocracoke Island of North Carolina.  Did you know that Ocracoke got its name from Blackbeard?  Story goes that Blackbeard wanted to use Ocracoke as a hiding point for his booty (my boys laughed at that statement) and when he arrived ashore seeing only sand everywhere he yelled to the sky, “Oh Crow Cock”  Boys again enjoyed hearing their mother say “cock.”

The ferry was running late due to the Coast Guard not arriving on time to inspect the boat.

“Why do we have to sit here?”

“It’s getting hot.”

“Does anyone know what is going on?” 

The teenager complains.

Me?  I decide to take the younger, more open to traveling child and let him skimboard the beach while we wait.  There’s even a shower for rinsing off before boarding the ferry once it is ready to go. 

The ride from Cedar Point to Ocracoke is 2 hours.

“Why is it so long?”

“What am I going to do with no cell phone reception?”

“It’s hot in here.”

“Are there any snacks?”

The teenager complains.

Ocracoke is a small island completely taken over by tourists for the summer.  Most either riding golf carts or bicycles and not paying attention to anyone walking along the road.

“Hey, let’s rent a golf cart?”  I say.

“That’s be COOL!”  The youngest says.

“That’s stupid.” The teenager replies.

We decide to walk, or kids not paying attention to the golf carts and bicycles trying to run them down by the side of the road.

“Look at all these cool stores and buildings” I say.

“What are we eating for lunch?”  The teenager replies.

The youngest decides he needs zinc on his face.  The teenager looks at him with the orange all over his face then rolls his eyes.  Add in a Surf's Up bucket hat and the teenager tries pulling it off his head, throwing it out the window.  The youngest keeps the hat, staring at his brother making funny faces.

We have a nice lunch at the Jolly Roger Restaurant, then hop in the car for a drive to the Hatteras Ferry.  Which the boys enjoy calling “HatterASS.”

The ferry from Ocracoke to Hatteras is a quicker 30 minutes.  One idiot waiting for the ferry decides on feeding the seagulls.  Bad idea as the birds descend on their car, reminding me of a film by Hitchcock I watched a long time ago.

The drive through the Outer Banks was full of sights.  

 “Did you know that all the names are from Indians?  Maneo?”

“Why name it something you can’t say?”  The teenager replies.

I make the family stop at the different light houses.  “Did you know that the black and white design of the lighthouse is different with each one?”  I explain to the family as we pull into a second one.

“You’ve see one lighthouse, you’ve seen them all.”  The teenager replies, and decides to fall asleep.

The highlight of the drive for the youngest was not all the great sights, but the opportunity to use the Travel John portable urinal in the car.  We stopped so I could go to the bathroom and I swear he specifically waited until we pulled out announcing he had to go to the bathroom.

The hubby, exasperated said, “You’ll just have to use the “Travel John Portable Urinal” thinking it would horrify the youngest.

Instead he got excited!  “Really?  Can I?”

So we hand it back, he opens it reading the directions to us, “Open, press against the body or mouth for throw up. The Absorbabeads collect liquid in the collection pouch.”

He opens the bag, using it as the teenager opens his eyes.  The look on his face was priceless, “Ugggghhhh!”

Once done the youngest is amazed, “Look the absorbaBeads made it disappear!”

“Now what are you going to do with that?”  The teenager askes.

“Put it by you.”  The youngest replies.

There is a small fight in back seat of the car.

Nothing like solving the curiosity of a boy with a portable urinal.  Everyone puts me in charge of finding out “cheap, but nice hotel with a piping hot breakfast.”   My first website was the Midway Marina and Lodge, with a nice $80/night price tag and a restaurant called Crabbies next to it.  Located in Coinjock, everyone agrees it sounds nice, so we drive down a side road in search.  After passing through two trailer parks, we pull up on a dump everyone looking horrified when the guy walked out in a sweaty wife beater shirt and no shoes.  

“Dad, it’s a drug dealer, punch it!” the teenager says.

Finally in Virginia Beach, a 3.5 star hotel with a 2 star price!  Well, you get what you pay for, as Max sprays my essential oil around the room and the teenager says, “I thought tube televisions went by the way of the dinosaur.”

Before we go to sleep, the teenager opens his eyes, looks at his brother, "What did you do with that pee pouch?"

The youngest just laughs.

Another night in paradise.

Day two of the road trip, the teenager wakes up saying, “Why am I itching?”

“Maybe it’s bed bugs.” the youngest replies.

It’s gonna be a great day.

Not Your Mother's Book On Sex

You know you want it.

Come on.

It's not hard.

Just go for it.

You'll be glad you did.

It's about sex.

Everyone needs it.

Most want it.

Only a few Gotta have it.  (The book that is!  Get your mind out of the gutter!)

This is the book that is HARD to put down.

It will make you laugh.

It will make you sigh.

It will be very stimulating.

It is something you will not forget easily.

Sort of like sex.

Available on Amazon, pick up the book by clicking HERE

If you need another reason, I have an essay in it.  "Do you Vajazzle?"

Snow Day

Snow falling all day long.  A wicked wind reminding of me every horror movie I watched as a kid.  That type of wind howling around the house, making you stop, looking at the windows periodically for Jack Frost standing there waiting for an invitation to come in.

This is what makes winter feel so special to my heart.  Days like today when you can take the excuse, opt out and it is OK.  Why do we always need an excuse to step back and spend time with the people we love?  I am guilty of the same thing, which is why today - I'm grabbing that hooky paper and using it, gladly.

Walking out in the swirling snow, feeling the wind as it pushes you up that hill is another special part of a snowy day.  Feeling the forces of nature, reminding you that you are small.  You are like that small spec, that individual snowflake, make your part of the universe special, don't let it pass you by.  Breathing in cold air, walking with a purpose, find something to be grateful about in this day.

Everything is covered in white, looking fresh and new, unbroken, peaceful.  Then that wind reminds you that nothing stays the same, as you watch the snow create a new piece of artwork as the wind pushes it in different directions.  Peace and change.  Two things that go hand in hand.

I'm going to sit with my glass of wine and a fire.  I'm going to listen to that wind, trying to interpret what it wants to tell me.  I'm going to accept the peace and change, as I opt out, tag out, play that hooky card.

Maybe just listen to the wind.

Finding The Wild Side - Poetry

Finding that wild side

It is always there

sometimes hidden

behind the mundane

the routine of

responsibility.

Waiting, patiently

For that moment

when your guard is down

setting it free

roaming

creating new adventures

making wonderful

decisions

until

something like

reality 

puts it in place.

WTF - Why I Don't Buy Nice Things......

I always wondered why my mother never invested in a couch for our downstairs, how our couch started fraying at the edges, smelling slightly like sweat, and eventually needed a book under it because one of the legs broke.

Now I understand.

Kids wreck things.

Specifically kids wreck YOUR things.

The amount of trashing an item is in direct proportion to how much you paid for the item.

T-shirt picked up at consignment store - they'll spill some tea on it.

Expensive blouse bought for a cocktail party - they'll accidentally squirt soy sauce on it, or better yet, they'll spill their Red dye Number 5 Tummy Yummy down the front of it before you leave for the party.

It always goes the same:

"Mom, let me use your iPod/iPhone/Computer/GPS/Garmin?"

"No, because you'll break it.

"I will not!  I swear I will be careful, I will be SUPER careful.  PLEASE!"

"No."

"Come on Mom, I need it for my homework/essay/life well being."

"OK, but please, please be careful."

Child gets the item, then will usually do something like:

"I don't know what happened, it just dropped."

Me, "What did you press?"  Them, "Nothing I swear."  Me, "Why is everything resetting?"

me, "What happened to my iPod/iPhone/Computer?"  Them, looking at me stupidly.

I think all adults should be tased when they think about giving their child  their expensive item - because we fall for it.  Every.  Single.  Time.  .

Here's why we do not buy expensive stuff:

Kids will spill their Blue Icees in your brand new car with the tan interior.
Kids will pull your Beats headphones out by the cord until it tears.
Kids will wear your expensive running shoes then end up playing in a creek.
Kids will keep pressing buttons on your electronics until they don't work.
Kids will stuff their mouth full of goldfish and then sneeze in the backseat of your car.
Kids are holding the cabinet door, "I don't know how it came off the hinges."

So that couch stayed in the basement until we all were gone to college.  That couch held a lot of secrets from my teenage years, some consisting of throw up and others well, never mind.  My mother was smart as I watch my son dump his red Kool Aid onto my new leather couch.

How can I be too stupid to date?

I was researching a story I had on my mind and wondered how hard it was to sign up for the dating services.  No, I am 28 years happily married, it was RESEARCH!  I picked one of the biggest ones.

The first screen looked like a piece of paper that read:

Me, I figured it was just a welcome screen, so I clicked on the Let's Get Started Button.

This is what I got back:

And that, my friends is why I have been happily married for 28 years.  Maybe tomorrow I'll do a little more research and report what happens IF I get past the welcome screen.

Boys and Airplanes

There is nothing funnier than traveling with kids on an airplane, especially when you have a seasoned traveler like my husband who lies calm, even trips.

We start the morning with 12 bags - 4 ski bags (about the size of body bags and just as heavy) 3 suitcase and 5 backpacks.  Hubby starts with a lecture that "it is everyone's job to take care of all this stuff," as I am hauling the body bags up 8 steps and out to the car.  Once they are up there, the kids do par core all over the bags while I crawl on my hands and knees in the condo checking under beds, couches, chairs - finding 2 mis matched socks, one T-shirt and my own business card.

During the drive to airport, we get a little turned around.  Usually when you are lost, children will immediately start asking stupid questions as you are trying to figure out the GPS, listen to Rolf of Google Maps tell you that you are lost and arguing with your seat mate about which direction to take.

Didn't the kids in the back notice that you turned Michael Buble all the way down - BECAUSE you don't have time to listen to "I wanna go home," when you are LOST!

It starts with them asking if we are lost, then bugging each other until one of them yells, "STOP!"  At which time both parents turn and explain in what they think is the most menacing voice about being lost, needing quiet to think!  Does that stop them?  What do you think?

Once at the airport, everyone jumps out of the car looking at us.  I have to politely explain that I got the body bags up to the car, it is now their job to haul them from the car into the ticket counter.  Each takes their own bag, leaving me with 4 communal bags - including my own body bag.  Sigh.

At the counter, hubby is trying to check us in, the kids are jumping the suitcases.  My oldest decides that he wants to "help" Daddy and check us in for the flight.  There are wrong buttons pressed, arguments on how many bags, arguments on who is sitting where.  Meanwhile I am getting evil looks by the TSA agents waiting for our bags, because a. they are heavy as shit, and b. there are a lot of them and c. someone is going to have to security search them which includes hauling the body bags through X-ray.

The kids push each other through security screening, not to mention the TSA guy pulling a smashed clementine out of my husband's briefcase with my child saying, "Hey, I was saving that for later!"  They push each other down the jetway, push each other as they walk to their seats on the plane.

Once on the flight, the kids are excited and cannot sit still, they are moving the seats up and down, which means Jeff and I have no leg room because for some reason the kids got the choice seats and we got the ones that come with a can opener when you try to get out.  One child is pressing all the buttons on the other child's TV screen because this is the first plane that has personal TVs and how cool is that in a child's world.  Rather how cool is that, in anyone's world, I'm pretty enthralled too, not noticing what the kids are doing until someone presses the flight attendant button above my husband's head.  He is reaching between the seats trying to grab someone while the flight attendant asks him what he wants. I thought he was going to say, "Please move me away from these obnoxious kids, who's kids are they anyway?"  But he smiles and apologizes, reaching between the seat for anyone once she walks away.

Needless to say when traveling with children, the annoyance of everything they do is increased with the stress of trying to get from point A to Point B.  So if you travel with your children, here's a few pointers:

Travel light - in our case we couldn't due to snow sports, the less you have to haul around the better your back will feel.
Don't give them any of your electronics - because sitting on the airplane is not the time to find out they changed your ringtone on your phone to "I'm Sexy and I Know It."  (Picture my sweet hubby's face on that one)
And try to set your seats at least 3 rows behind them, that way you are not hit in the knees when they "test" how far the seat goes back and you can look at others on the plane and say, "For Pete's Sake, who's kids are those?"

Remember, traveling with children is like childbirth.  You'll forget all about it once your finally make it back home again, planning that next trip until your phone starts to sing, "I Like Big Butts And I Cannot Lie" on your next call.

Not your Normal Kind of Vacation

Our last day begins with a purpose to totally fry what you have left because -

this is it.

Snow season is done.

Go big or go home.

Not to mention Joss Christensen and Sage Kotsenburg both Olympic Gold Medalists from Socchi were signing autographs.  Nothing like meeting them making you want to take it to the next level.

Enter our expert ski instructor - Annebritt Birkeland.

She's been my Internet friend for quite some time now, a kindred spirit who enjoys telling the same raunchy jokes I like to tell, along with the few "Be who you are" type posts.  We planned on meeting face to face, and I was hoping for a little "ski talk" from her too.

I was talking about taking one of the kids up to Jupiter Bowl, and part of our day included an incredible fresh powder run along the bowl, giving up a look at what they were thinking about getting themselves into.  Yes, looking straight up at the cliffs, and all the trees, I was very glad that all three kids lost interest early this morning when they hit the park,  just looking up at the pitch made my sphincter dilate and I wasn't even skiing it.

The children sensing that it was the last day, circled both of us like indians on the wagon train.  Before we knew it, each had a T-shirt, one  had a hoodie, and we even purchased a new set of bindings.  Sure it helped that everything was 40-70% off, making the hubby a little less irritated.  It did now help when the one child said, "I could get new bindings if you and Mommy didn't have to buy all that beer."

I learned that I leaned too far back when I ski, and was working some serious moguls by the end of the day, my legs giving up finally at 4pm and waving the white flag.  Not to let the fun end, we invited Anna over to High West Distillery for our last night out.  Of course, the kids were free to heat up chicken fried rice in the condo.

We tasted great food, even better whiskey and got to chat rather than on Facebook messenger.  I always pride myself in surrounding myself with friends that are wide open and leaving North Carolina for the Winter to season to live in a one bedroom Yurt and teach skiing not only makes me jealous (while the kids are fighting right now) but gives me aspirations of taking what you want and going for it.

So a 10 day trip to Utah ended with a surprise friendship that will travel back and forth over the years.

To sum it up, it was a week full of surprises - not just the incredible amount of snow, but Boxes, and Bowls, and Black Diamonds and finally two bottles of the Booyhan hidden in the suitcases for when we miss Utah.

See you next year -

POW POW BOXZILLA!

Last day at Canyons resort and it was a day that covered every part of the spectrum:

Started with sunny skies while riding the gondola.
All out Blizzard at the mountain top at 11am.
Wet snow that stuck to our goggles and skis on one run.
To fresh powder on the west side of the mountain to the resort.
Finishing up with bluebird skies, live music, a fire pit and smores!

Best part of my day was Boxzilla - a collection of 12 boxes in the terrain park and a free ride event to see who:

Could make all 12 boxes.
Could do it with a trick.
Could do it without breaking anything.

Guess who jumped in right away - both boys!  Luckily, we have good coaches at Beech Mountain Resort so they were ready.

Max was right up front, pushing the big guys out of the way and getting in the most number of runs for the event.  Wolf, of course, being the almost 13 year old was holding back, but did it with finesse that made us proud.

Best moment of the day?

The MC at the event, pulled Max aside after he completed all 12 boxes, yelling up to the crowd waiting at the top of Boxzilla,

"Hey, this is Max Melang and not only is he from North Carolina, but he's 10 years old and completed the box with a grab at the end.  Are you going to let this little kid SHOW YOU UP?"

Max went down as the start of several trains of 6 or 7 riders, Wolfgang even got some guys at the top yelling, "Do it kid!  He's going to make it to the end!"

Proud Momma?  Yes!  So just to make sure they are embarrassed, I was yelling into the crowd,

"Wolfgang!  Are you warm enough?"
"Max do you need your gloves?"
"Be careful boys, DON'T HURT YOURSELF!!!"

Dork Momma?  Yes I am, and PROUD OF IT.

So they all go out t in Park City for a little shopping, I stay behind and immediately fall asleep on the couch.  Of course, there's no way into the condo and they spend the next 30 minutes texting, Find my IPhoning, Facebooking, AND calling me, trying to wake me up to let them in the condo.  I have achieved total dork mom status in locking my family out of the condo!!

Great day on the snow, one day left and everyone is already saying they are going to miss it!

This Ain't No Black Diamond....

What a difference a day makes.  Yesterday we were with blizzard conditions and wind chills at close to zero today was bluebird skies and 6-8 inches of fresh snow!

Jeff had to work, one was down for the count on sickness, so it was the three of us hitting first trax on the ski slopes.  Funny, how getting to that fresh powder is a life long ambition of many, with the first lift rides resembling a Who Concert of who's getting off and beating all the other skiers to the fresh snow.  I totally understood as I was in full sweat from getting to the top of a run and DANGIT, someone beat me to it.

Of course, you wish for it and sometimes if pays you back.  The snow was fresh and deep and as I had my first yardsale (the process by which a skier loses every part of their equipment in an epic wipeout) I realized this was so different from my icy skiing of Beech Mountain.  After making it down my first run (out of breath) I realized that I needed a few adjustments to my technique - specifically finding the groomed runs.

I go all morning with the boys, non stop until around noon when I am ready for a break and possibly a beer.  Of course, murphy's law, my husband calls and joyfully says, "I'm here, let's RIDE!"

Dayum.

They take me up to the top of the lift.  We get off on what resembles Morodor - or the Cliffs of Doom.  The rest of the family is excited, I however am looking around thinking, "It's a beautiful view, but how do we get down?"

My hubby answers my question, "Do the Double Black Diamond Kelly, everyone says it is an easy Black Diamond."

(Did I mention that Jeff heard this in the bar before coming to meet me, did I also mention that he didnt' tell me this before he took me up the lift)

So, I love testing my limits, but my Quads already hate me at this point from skiing all day, and as I stand at the top of a ledge looking down thinking, "OK, this ain't no black diamond."

My problem at this point:

I have no way to go but down.
I have to go to the bathroom so I cannot bust it on this one.
Everyone has already gone, am I going to be shown up by a 9 year old?

Unfortunately, I am committed.

It takes me 30 minutes.  A few wipeouts, a few turns that I am not proud of (one ski, holy shit type of moves) and I make it to the bottom with a deep breath.

Oh, what?

The only way down is this second double black diamond called,  "You'll Never Survive This One Kelly."  Another 30 minutes later, I am crawling over to the lift where the rest of the family is standing there looking annoyed.

"Where were you," they say, looking amazingly rested because they've been waiting for me for 20 minutes.

"Surviving," I get out as I almost fall over into the snow.

"Well, what are we waiting for - let's get going....."

Ugh.

Sometimes Your Butt Must Say What's On Its Mind

We stepped out of the condo, walking down to the lift, ready for a day on the snow.  My butt however, had better ideas.

"Do you realize it is snowing?  And if it is snowing, then it is below freezing.  Which means I am not happy.  What?  You are still getting on the lift, didn't I explain that it is cold here, meaning it is freezing up there?"

I don't listen to it, because who listens to their butt anyway, and ride the lift up to the top of the mountain.  The kids are excited and as I ski a few runs keeping up with them, my butt starts again, "Aren't you freezing?"

I look around, there's no one there, so I can talk to my butt, "Yes, I am freezing.  But they are having a great time so I am just going to suck it up."

The wind blows again, stopping me in my skis, my butt sighs, "I give up, you're on your own.  I hope we survive this."

I stop by the trees and say out into the blowing snow and wind, "Well maybe I'm attempting to freeze my butt off, OK?"

My butt, is now having a conversation with my hands, "You tell her."

My hands, cough a little bit then whisper, "Hey.  Have you noticed that the tips of your fingers are starting to sting a little bit?"

I'm skiing down my favorite run and choose to ignore both of them.  At the bottom as I work over to the lift they start again.

"I hate to be a pain in the butt, but I don't have feeling in my first and ring finger."

"My goodness you sat again in a seat full of snow."

"Are we done yet?"

I smile at the family, hunkering down for each lift ride, telling myself that I can do it and I will because:
a.  I paid a lot of money for these lift tickets, and WILL get my money's worth.
b.  Everyone else seems fine, I'm the only one suffering.
c.  Sometimes it is not about me.

Finally after another hour to two, both my hands, my butt and my feet have decided to stop talking to me.

One of the kids leans over in the lifts, "I'm freezing, can we go down to the condo and add another layer?"

Everyone else in the groups immediately adds, "Yeah, I need my long underwear.  Why didn't I put that fleece on.  I'm afraid to move my toes."

I look at all of them thinking, "I guess if I was feeling that way everyone else was, I guess I should ahve said something sooner.

We ski down to the condo, my butt, fingers and feet saying, "I told you so."

WTF - Mathematics of Life

Here's a few math problems for your What The Friday email:

Johnny as 10 minutes to get out the door to a job interview.  Via forgot to print off his resume.  Johnny is yelling at Via to print off his resume he has to go.

Determine the percentages of each item to equal 100%
a.  The Printer is out of ink.
b.  The Printer is not connected to the network.
c.  Three consecutive paper jams
d.  Johnny and Via divorce.

Maya has one Chateau de Box of Red Wine.  She reads a recipe that calls for red wine as part of the preparation.  There is enough left in Maya's box of wine to perform the recipe.  If Maya does not have another box of wine, how far can she reduce the wine in the recipe to save some for herself?

Hulio and Raolo meet at their 20th High School Reunion.  Hulio is still single and hitting the bar scene.  Raolo is married with 3 children under the age of ten.  Determine the percentage that Hulio and Raolo have anything in common to talk about.

Consuela has 5 bottles of wine.  She drinks 30% of the bottles in hand.  What does Consuela have?

There are 53 candy bars after halloween, if 8 children dive for the leftover candy, how many pieces does each child get?

Bernard has read that used wine can be frozen in ice cubes.  He has found Mia's leftover wine, 1/4 bottle.  How many ice cubes can he make before Mia kicks his butt for using her wine?

Probability - Determine the probability of Vera getting a cold shower if the temperature is 16 degrees, there are 4 people showering ahead of her and 1 dog has rolled in shit.

You are welcome for That Grey Area helping you stretch your brain muscles with REAL WORLD math problems.  What problems would you add?

Gingerbread Men - Nailed it!

So our yearly tradition of making gingerbread men,

How I picture it in my mind:

 I think we nailed it, don't you?

Of course, the pinterest picture of the cookies

Definitely nailed that one!

Oh yeah, we should be bakers!

Kids, I need you to wait until after dinner to eat the cookies.

Yep nailed that one too!