WTF - Writing, I am your mistress....

Dear Writing:

I did you yesterday.

I did you again yesterday afternoon.

I did you while my children were watching Spongebob.

I even snuck out of bed last night and did you again.

You have no idea how much I want to do you.

You tease me when I am not in the mood, make me do you anyway.

You ask me to whip it out at the most inappropriate times of the day!

Why are you not satisfied? You're always telling me to insert this here, add some stimulation there. And then you make me feel bad because I'm just not in the mood. Well if you are limp, then it is really hard to get in the mood, you know? Sometimes you tell me I suck, and then you laugh.

When I try really hard, you won't come with me. When I try to walk away, you beg me to stay. You're always on my mind. I think of you when I'm alone. I fantasize about you when I'm supposed to do yoga? You haunt my dreams, whispering, "You need more excitement, try this." When I do, you ignore me, make me beg for more.  When I'm quiet, all I hear is, "Why just sit there when you can do me?" Why can't we be just be together, no strings attached? 

I never hear any encouragement from you, not even a "job well done" or "that was perfect, do it that way again" all I hear is your silence. Then you say, "I want more, do it again." You never hear me when I tell you my needs, not realizing everything I sacrifice to please you.  You mock me as I beg for more.

Is there no end to this relationship? Will we forever be trying? How can I make you happy?

You just demand more and more from me, begging me not to stop.

I like it.

I guess it's time to do you again.

A New Year, A New Adventure

I was asked to sum up my year, and couldn't even get started.  Here's a few things I learned in 2014.....

Things sag, but if you let your attitude sag then you are in big trouble.

For those things that sag, there are other things that pull them back up.

For an attitude sag, all you need is a little time with family.

Each grey hair is equal to every time you laugh, at least that is what I tell myself because dang!  I have a lot of them!

Good friends will always lift your spirits, even if it is from two hours away, a computer screen in a distant land or sitting next to you in front of the fire.  There was a wise man who sang, "I get by with a little help from my friends."

Mistakes will be made, you will fall.

The most important thing is the getting up and brushing yourself off and continuing on.

Leave the trail dust behind because the journey is ahead of you, not behind you.  Get to the finish line one way or the other.

But if you plan on falling, always remember to tuck and roll, because when you fall, plan on falling spectacularly!

Love openly and honestly and you'll be surprised at the results.

Do a few things naked.  You'll be surprised at how your perspective changes!

Always do your thing, never have any regrets.

And finally, the most important thing I learned.

Love yourself and it is amazing how many people will do the same.

Happy 2015, here's to an amazing year of new possibilities!

Happy Fall Ya'll

It's the first day of fall and I cannot be happier.  Gone are the days of sweat running down my back from a walk from my front door to my car.  There are so many different reasons to love the cooler weather, I thought I would share a few with you.

Preparing for Hibernation.  The cooler weather signals cold weather is on its way and everyone must prepare for hibernation correctly.  That is why there is pumpkin spice everywhere, because it is usually loaded with double fat, lots of caramel and of course several large eggs.  (My children say, eggs, butter, milk - of course it is healthy) But don't worry, the calories don't count as long as you can cover it up with warm clothes, bringing the arrival of long sweaters, and jeggings.

The arrival of all of our favorite TV shows.  Does anyone think it is interesting that all of our TV shows start as soon as we "fall back" onto our couches because it is already dark outside?  I think not.

Fall is a gentle reminder that Christmas is right around the corner.  No, not to freak out and go shopping, but to start looking for that Ugly Christmas Sweater you bought at end of season last year and put in a "safe place."

The advent of hoodies and sweats and everything nice leads us to the Sasquatch look, or as some women call it the "French" method of shaving.  Luckily the only time the hair on our legs sees the light of day is at the gym, but nobody cares because everyone looks like Sasquatch at the gym during winter.

Cobwebs come back in style.  Remember that cleaning project you thought of in July?  Cleaning all the cobwebs off of your home?  Never got to it?  Don't worry about it!  With Halloween coming up, you're house will be the coolest in the neighborhood!  Better yet, with a cold winter maybe all the spiders freezing their butts off will leave your home and move South.

The Uggs come out of the closet as your feet descend into their warm fur.  Most never take them off until May so that smell of spring, well we call it Eau de Ugg Feet!

The only stressor of fall for me is the battle of the thermostat.  Wanting cool fresh air, I'll leave the windows open and leave off the heat.  My children walk by in the morning with a nice coat of frost on their face begging me to turn on the heat.  But I try to refuse until the first snow of the season.  We will see who wins this year.

Finally, once the temperature dips it is perfect acceptable to make love under the covers and no one thinks you are hiding something.  In my house, I can put away the Vaseline I've coated the door knob with, keeping little hands from turning it.  Plus, with the changeover to flannel sheets, my hubby never knows my legs are fuzzy, they just feel like the sheets.

So as the temperatures fall, and some of you are sniffing as you put away the flip flops and sun screen, remember there are plenty of reasons to celebrate Fall!

What would you add?

You'll never believe what happens next!

Is it just me or does every video post showing up in my newsfeed usually contain these phrases:

You'll never believe it.
Look what happens next.
You gotta watch this.

It seems everyone is begging me to watch all these cute dog videos circulating.  People!  I am very busy, here's just a preview of what I am doing.  I thought I would share part of my day in funny video comments.  So here goes:

Kelly Melang doesn't want to get out of bed.  Watch what happens next!

This young woman is waiting for her cup of coffee, you won't believe what happens next!

Kelly Melang sits down to work on her computer.  I can't believe my eyes on what happens next!

Kelly Melang takes the what's your hot stripper name quiz on Facebook and what happens next is awesome.

Oh my God!  Kelly is out of coffee and must go get another cup!

My heart sank when Kelly checked the balance in the bank account but I am so glad I kept on watching!

Watching Kelly pull her chin hairs is horrifying but what she did next is AWESOME!

Kelly's planning an hour bike ride, I can't watch 15 seconds into it but I'm glad I watched to the end!

Kelly's climbing up that hill on her bike, nothing prepared me for the next 30 seconds!

Looks like it is time for a nap, you won't believe what happens next!

Funny how people are working on attention grabbing headlines so much that now they all seem to run together into a "You won't believe what happens next" mess.

Oh wait, this one with the puppy and the piglet......

Well, I gotta see what happens next!

Famous Last Words

There are many times in life when you think, "Maybe this is not a good idea," but go ahead anyway.  Here are a few famous last words, take heed because when you hear them, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

"I know you have curly hair, the perm will put control in it.  Hold on, let me read the directions."

This is what my mother said, when, at sixteen, she talked me into a perm.  I am sure the directions didn't say make a part down the middle, roll away from the part with small rollers, leave it in too long.  Needless to say, it was not fun at sixteen, to have hair that looked like pubic hair on my head in the shape of Bozo the clown.

"This going to hurt me more that it hurts you."

This is usually followed by some type of torture.  A sibling holding the hot sauce to your tongue, a friend look at at the fish hook in your finger holding pliers, to the husband holding your hand as you realize the epidural didn't work and the doctor is saying, "It's time to push!"

"Don't move."

Again, this means pain.  The bee sitting on your nose as your sister holds the fly swatter, the snake next to your foot, or the toddler holding the snake out to you saying, "LOOK!  WORMS!"  William Tell coined this phrase using his little brother as a test subject on his Apple Arrow experiment.  Sadly, no one remembers the brother's name.

"Hold my beer."

I have yet to see any good idea started with this saying.  This usually ends with the person originally holding the beer, left holding the beer as the ambulance takes their friend to the ER.

"Don't worry, it's easy."

This usually means you'll be nursing cuts from the run/bike or standing lost on the side of a mountain with the only quick way available means scaling the side of some cliff.


"Three easy payments."

Your interest free offer is a setup.  They make it difficult to make the first payment, and when you hit their 15 day grace period they jack up the interest to 20%.  Of course you called several times trying to get an account number, they consider that giving information away to the enemy.



"I'm sorry I did not understand you."

This is that robotic voice usually leading the caller to throw down the phone and go out into your backyard and throw stuff around.  Then to accept that you will be lost in automatic customer service hell for the next hour and go back to your phone.

"Please wait."

This could be a computer program downloading, a customer service representative for Pure Romance, or the hostess at Cracker Barrel.  It is best to not think about life passing you buy and it could make you go back outside and throw things around.

"Momma, I love you."

Sure it's sweet, but there is always an ulterior motive behind this.  What follows is usually a WTF type statement like, "Can I use your crock pot to melt neon paint for my skateboard," or, "I'm not sure why your phone isn't working anymore."  The depth of the love statement is directly correlated to what they are requesting of you.

There are many famous last words, the only one I will take any time, anywhere are the "I love you's."

Of course, I usually follow them with, "Ummm, no."

Just Sayin

Sometimes there are moments when I realize that even if this little babe is from MD, there are a few things that I just don't understand.

Like the phrase, "Just Sayin."  The Urban Dictionary defines it as not claiming what you "just said."

In my mind, this phrase is just a  cop out for saying what is on your mind and actually getting away with it.

"Honey, they tried pushing you back in the ocean because you were wearing that gray bathing suit.  Wear flowery bathing suits like me and it will never happen.  Just saying."

See here, you're telling your best friend that, I'm sorry, but you look like a beached whale.  To temper it, the "just saying" is your way of backing back out of the situation.

More Examples:

"Well son, had you picked up the dirty clothes off of your floor, the dog would not consider your room her bathroom because of the smell, just saying."

"Yes, I was all ready to make you that gourmet meal, but after pouring the glass of wine for the chef, it's chicken nuggets and carrot sticks.  Just sayin."

"No sweetie, those leopard skinned spanx pants are not doing what they are supposed to be doing.  Don't come out of the dressing room, just hand them to me.  Just sayin."

"I'm not sure if pulling your breast out in the middle of the National Anthem at a baseball stadium full of drunk dudes is such a good idea, just saying."

So do you think "Just saying," means,

What the flip were you thinking?

Listen to me, you'll thank me later.

Oh. My. God.

No.  Just no....

Or do we use it to say what is really on our mind and temper it with a little bit of honey, just enough that your friend/family member/significant other doesn't go with their inner sense and just slap some sense into you.

Finally, are you just saying what you just said, or just saying what you need to say?

Just saying.

WTF Advice From Grandma!

Sometimes you feel the need to impart advice to your friends.  Here's a few I remember from my Grandmother.

"If you can walk past him with a green clay mask on your face, you belly wrapped in plastic and sweat pants and he still chases you around the couch, then, hold tight because he is a keeper."

"If you don't have time to clean, lower the shades.  Guests won't worry about dust as they are worrying about tripping over the furniture."

"If you are happy then it is Happy Hour.  The beer just makes you a little more happy."

"A good friend will hang out with you, a best friend will point out the 2 inch long billy goat hair hanging off of your chin BEFORE you go to hang out."


"Sometimes kids need a good slap to the back of the head, I swear their brains stop working periodically."

"Don't ever smell a pair of kids/men's underwear to see if they are clean.  Even on a dare."

"No one looks in the tampon box.  Hide your valuables in there."

"A good woman knows how to drink a beer, sing "Roll Out The Barrels" and kiss, not in any particular order."

"No one wants "she had a clean house" chiseled on her tombstone."

"Great beer is like great friends, everything's easier when in hand."

"Do not spit off of the Twister ride at the beach.  That B*tch turns around awful fast."

"Let the fart out.  If you don't it will travel up your spine to your brain.  Look at Pop Pop, that's where all his crappy ideas came from."

"Did you just see what I paid for that sandwich at Arby's?  I think that included this salt shaker."

"Honey, I've been at this rodeo a little bit longer than you, perhaps you should listen to me."

And finally,

"Some people need to sweep around their own door steps before worrying about yours."

WTF - Fundraiser?

So, I am knee deep in helping with a Spring Fundraiser at someplace on the planet, and part of the idea was to create a thermometer.  You know, chronicling the progress as we add money to coffers for something new and spectacular at this favorite place of mine.

Don't you like how I am covering up the, "the names and places of this blog are in no way close to anyone I know because everyone knows I am a recluse who doesn't really go anywhere."

Any way, the banner is delivered to this place, and certain parties do the work of rolling it out ready for hanging on the front of the non profit establishment.

Here's the banner:

What?

I know, the person in charge mentions, "Doesn't that look like a phallus?"

I'm thinking, "What's a phallus?"  Then it hits me!  Oh yeah, it does look like a big uh, one headed wonder!

Normally most people would say, "Isn't that a big dick?"  But the people I am fundraising for are educated, I hear things like, "phallus, that male body part, male anatomy."

So as the people at the establishment go into panic mode to fix the sign, my mind takes a turn for the worse.

Hmmm, does this cat print make my penis look small?  Meow?

Umm, maybe if we reach our goal we can have fireworks coming out of the top?

Who's decision was it to make the cat print purple?  Really?

Are those ticks, well, you know, well, oh never mind.

Then it hits me.  

Well, you can see that I've been married too long when I don't notice the big wiener on the banner.

And, maybe if we keep it, it will surely capture the attention of all the women, now won't it?

Which could bring in a lot of money?

We could hit our goal.

Oh, I can see the fireworks!

WTF - Kids Names

Seriously people, why would you name your kid that?

Airwrecka - or Erica, why do some people have to so butcher the spelling of their name to make them different.  I think I will change my kids names, how about:

Maxhimauh

and

Waulfgaung

Then you have the ones that are named after things a parent can't afford:

Chanel
Armani
Health Insurance
Mercedes
Pearl
Car Payment

Parents like to use symbols in the name:

Kei$ha - does that mean she needs money?
$hannon - does she have a silver spoon in her mouth.
I could outdo all of them with $hithead!  Perfect!

Then the fluffy names:
Buffy
Candy
Fluffy
Precious (how about Pre$ious)
Honey

Some think it is a good idea giving them a sports name, hoping that they excel in sports:

Darryl Homerun Walker
Stephanie 10Love Smith

and again, my favorite-

Darius Touchdown Carson.

I have a friend who named her daughter nevaeh - many were not sure how to even pronounce it, but she explained "It is heaven spelled backwards."  The first thought that went through my mind was Heaven Backwards is well, I'm not going to say it.

Finally, what really offends me:

When I introduce myself and they say, "I used to have a dog with that name."

Kids and Listening - WHAT?

Today we switched things up with a trip to Canyons Mountain Resort - 10 minutes away but a totally different experience.  One that included gondolas (you should have seen their faces), Orange Bubbles, and Half Pipes.

Do your children have the selective hearing disease?  The one where I tell them,

"Dad and I are skiing over off of Dreamcatcher Lift, meet us there in one hour for lunch."

1 hour later, someone is texting me, "Where are you?"

Dreamcatcher Lift.

why

Because we wanted to ski those blacks.

But what about lunch.

(heavy sigh) Come over to Dreamcatcher and we'll stop for lunch.

Sometimes it is nice to not really exist - to just relax while the rest of the family dukes it out for who was right, which way to go, why didn't we do that.  Other times it would be nice for someone to listen to me.

"We need to take Sidewinder Trail down to the Short Cut Lift to get down to the base."

They are busy arguing about Dreamcater, and Cloud 99 and every way but the one I suggested.  Of course, I was the only one to study the map realizing that there is no way over the valley except for the Short Cut lift.  I say, "Well we have to get to the Short Cut Lift to get down to the base."

They are moving into hiking to the top of another peak to pickup a run to make it to base when my youngest, maybe his brain is not so fermented on sugar as the other says, "Wait a minute, we can't get back down unless we take the Short Cut Lift here."

My jaw drops as they all say, "Wow, you're right Max.  Good job, we should take Sidewinder over to the Short Cut Lift to make it to the base of the mountain."

"Let it go, " I tell myself

It is even evident in Apres Ski, it seems that most men just don't really hear what women are saying at times, and if they did, they would thank us for it.

I watch the bartender put a cup on a base and it fills from the bottom with beer, not from a tap at the top.

"Wow, that's cool, how does it work?"

She smiled, "It has a hole in the bottom, the beer comes through there, then there is a magnet that covers it.  Controls the pour for us, we recycle the cups AND the magnets."

I look at the bottom of the cup and my finger travels to the bottom, where the magnet it, she says, "I wouldn't push that unless you want to wear your beer."

My hubby comes in and looks at his beer, "That's wierd what's this on the bottom."

Me, "It's a magnet because they fill the beer from the bottom up, don't push on it."

Does he listen to me.  As I turn, he's holding the cup up above his head, looking closely at the magnet.  I watch his finger travel slowly to the magnet at the bottom, I try to say something, but I've lost my voice (I cannot tell you why)

I watch my husband do it and douse himself with beer.  I watch other people come in and the girls were smart enough to not push on the magnet, but everyone that wore beer surprisingly was male??

Funny, that we keep trying to tell them what is smart for them, thinking that maybe one day - they will actually listen.

Nah, who's got time for that anyway.

WTF - Do not make me go there!

I've explained to my children that I am a sweet, wonderful girl.  They, however have sucked the sweetness out of my until I resemble this old crone, pointing a finger at them saying, "You!  You did this to me!"  How did they do it?  Let me start my list.

Mothering moment of the day.  I don't know what I hate more, folding laundry, matching socks, or putting it away.  But coming back to my folded laundry and finding that someone was "looking for something" and DESTROYED it?  So what did I do?

I went into their room, taking each piece of clean laundry, folding it into a ball and throwing it at them.  "No, I'm not folding it anymore.  Why should I, you just ball it up and leave it on the floor anyway."  Oh, that they were laughing while dodging clean underwear - well, that didn't help.

Where Is such and such?  Seriously, do you think because I am the only one in this house with boobs that they will automatically point to the object you are looking for?  Especially when you push your favorite pair of pants under your bed.  I'll automatically know where they are AND take them and wash them?

Do not even think of asking me to find something when you are late for school.  I can safely say that if they ever recast the movie Rumplestilkskin, they have a leading character in me!  If it is the, "Oh, I forgot my school project,"  to "where is my belt, my pants are falling down," don't spring things on me at the last minutes.  Don't especially tell me 2 minutes before we are due to walk out the door that you don't have any "clean" clothes.  They are clean, you just let them fall into balls on the floor and didn't pick them up.  If the dog has peed on them but they have not been in the washing machine since I last washed them, in my dictionary - THEY ARE CLEAN.

Newsflash - when you leave an empty container in the refrigerator - there isn't some fairy that appears magically filling it back up.  That is true for:
Yogurt containers  (Seriously, who leaves the empty yogurt container in the fridge WITH THE SPOON IN IT?)
Ice cream containers
orange juice
Danimals
Jello

The last roll of toilet paper is not the lost scroll of Amenhotep.  Touching it will not make you go blind. There are a few things you do in the bathroom that may accomplish that.

And if you really want to piss Mom off, leave the empty box of Butterscotch Krimpets in the pantry.  When I sneak in there at 10pm, and reach for it and find it EMPTY.

"Aaagh!!!"

Now that you are old enough, there are few things I will not do:
I don't pour glasses of milk.
I don't put dishes in the dishwasher
I don't smell socks to see if they are clean.
I will NEVER, I repeat NEVER pull your finger (you learned this from Daddy)

There you have it, I've lowered my standards because you've lowered yours.  Here's what I'm doing:

I'm throwing the pile of laundry on your bed until you can't stand it and fold it yourself.  (see how you like turning every single T-shirt right side in!)

I'm hiding a plate, utensils, and cup for me (you're resorted to finally eating off the counter because everything has disappeared into your room.

I'm hiding the toilet paper to make sure A, there's always some for me and B. You don't know where it is.

Oh and that bullhorn I just bought.  Well you'll find out about that tomorrow morning.

And finally, I'm leaving the seat DOWN after I pee.

Don't mess with Momma!

WTF - My Smartphone has made me a better person

I knew there was a reason I had to upgrade and move into the latest century with my iPhone5c.  And no, it was not the talk to text feature!  Here's ways my Smartphone has made me a better person.


Energy Conservation - texting saves reams of paper in notes AND the person doesn't have to be there to get the message - a good one OR a bad ome..

Flexibility - I have impressed my husband with some new moves learned while trying to catch a signal.

Adaptability - especially when my phone acts like a have a great signal until I dial a number and it goes, "Oh psych, you have extended network."

Learn New Languages - Texting has become a language all in its own.  I now understand what my BFF is doing when she is "C U L8TR BC I M ROFL W BFF OVR TXT FRM X."  And I can reply "KKK" and she will not think I am part of the Klu Klux Klan.

Psychic - When my BFF texts me, "Live young gnu blossom."  I totally understand her auto correct language replying, "I live gnu blossom took."  (I love your new blouse too)

Read a Map - yes, the person who cannot find her way out of a paper bag can now read a map.  You'll learn too when you let Apple Maps try to get you someplace and end up in the middle of no where with little gas and a phone that says, "Psych, you don't have a signal."

Patience with my children - because they always have to fix my phone.  Or better yet, "set it up for me," which is code language for "you'll never be able to find anything."

Healthier - I have apps that remind me to drink water, what mileage I need to run, a healthy alternative to dinner, when to pluck my chin hairs.  I'll never be unhealthy again - my phone won't let me.

Coordination - there are smart phones everywhere.  Try to limit the amount of footage of you out there falling to a bare minimum.  Unless the falls are epic.

Stronger - you'd be surprised at the definition in my arms from all the selfies I take.

Build Better Relationships - because I can see all the epic fails by people in their Facebook postings and learn what NOT to do!

My phone has made me a better person, I am sure there are more rewards coming down the pike as I actually learn how to use it!

WTF Fast Food Style

During our Christmas shopping, we've had to bite the bullet and come to fast food every once in a while.  And as usual, there were a few WTF moments in those drive through lines.

"I would like a cheeseburger.  Plain, nothing on it."
We got two buns.

Standing in a McDonalds we heard a customer say,
"I would like a cheese burger but can you hold the cheese?"

McDonalds is advertising an Xbox One.  My son says as we pull into the drive thru,
"Can you order us an Xbox One?"

The size of the fries in the childrens happy meal - WTF?

"The Suicide" when you take your drink and mix all the different soft drinks together.  Oh yes, and take one from the man by not putting ICE in it.

My coffee has a caution on the cup, "This coffee is HOT."  It'd better me.

Having to go around the drive thru again, to explain to the person that we got ANOTHER Shrek in our Happy Meal and we were really looking for Fiona!

And finally, getting caught walking out of McDonalds with your McFlurry by your personal trainer.

WTF?

WTF - Duluth Firehose Work Pants?

Obviously a man wrote this ad because:

They are called FIREHOSE pants - but they are not for firemen - what hose?

And they are strong enough to hold off an angry beaver - anyone else see something in this?

Keep YOUR firehose protected from the Beaver by buying these!!

Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

WTF - Brookstone how could you?

No, that is not a bullet you see but the Buzz Pinpoint Mini Personal Massager from Brookstone.

Is it just me or do you see a mini dildo too?  And is their advertisement saying it is?

From the Brookstone Catalog:

They say you can use this to target TIGHT muscles?  Uh huh.

It is a PERSONAL massager with DEEP, SOOTHING Vibration- oh yeah.

Anytime you need it and fits in a


Briefcase - "why did Carly just lock her office door?"

purse - "Honey, that's not lipstick, I don't think you want to touch that."

gym bag - "Harold your gym bag is vibrating?  What? It's a massager?  Why do you have that in men's locker room?"

And then of course for our busy generation - it's a ONE button tool, so you only need to use one hand - perfect for mothers who are using the other hand holding the bathroom door shut.

There is a disclaimer that you should not use the massager if you are pregnant - shouldn't they clarify it is the perfect Christmas gift for Dad if Mom is pregnant?

Or on a pacemaker - would it cause your blood flow to change pulling too much away from your heart?

So if you are thinking of the perfect gift - think about the mini massager, better yet slip it into their stocking and let them explain to the children exactly what it is.

At least Brookstone believes in modesty.  Batteries are not included so they can put it out on display in the store and not have anyone use it.

Run do not walk to your mini massager, me?  I'm looking at the blue one - that way I remember which is my lipstick tubes and which is my, well, happy piece.

Oh and yes, he has the Victoria's Secret Catalog and now I have the Brookstone catalog.

Thank you Brookstone.

You know you're a Mom.....

Do any of these ring true to you?


You know you're a Mom, when you finally sit on the toilet at 6pm and wondering, "have I gone to the bathroom yet today?"

You know you're a Mom when you can answer this question:
"How much is a Twix Bar?"
Me:  "Around 79 cents."
"How much if everyone in the world including the people in the Space Station bought a Twix Bar?"
Me: "5 billion 9 hundred thousand seven hundred twenty."

Sure it's not right, but who would know and what do my kids think I am - Google?

You know you're a Mom when you think coffee is supposed to be cold and its only purpose is to keep you awake in the carpool line.

You know you're a Mom when everything you own is stained, according to the age of your children:
throw up, crap, cooking class, arts and crafts, crap, throw up.

You know you're a Mom when it is not surprising to pull an ear plug (just one), a ketchup and duck sauce package, anti fungal cream AND hot pink lip gloss out of your purse.

You know you're a Mom when it is legal to launder money and keep it.

You know you're a Mom when you purposely change the time on your computer so no one knows you're really finally getting to and sending those emails at 347am.

You know you're a Mom when you've learned that there is always time to stop if a child has to pee.

You know you're a Mom when your TaDa list includes meals for 2 boys and their 6 friends, relearning (thank you Google) how to multiply fractions, finish a Ninja Turtle Costume (thank you duct tape) AND no one realizes you are sitting in your room with a romance novel and glass of wine.

You know you're a Mom when the BEST part of your day was not:
The perfect hairdo
The healthy meal
The satisfactory report card
Someone actually flushing the toilet

It is that split second when one of your minions runs up to you and give you a quick hug saying, "Love you."

And you didn't pay them to do it because relatives were visiting.

How do you know it is Fall?

Sure it is October 1st, but there are many other ways to realize it is fall, here's a quick list:

 

 Pumpkin Coffee, Pumpkin Muffins, Pumpkin oatmeal, Pumpkin Cookies, Pumpkin Ravioli, Pumpkin Gnocchi.  They came out with Pumpkin Spice toilet paper, that gives you a nice whiff in combat to other, well, other odors.  Now if they could just make Pumpkin Spice baby diapers.

The Spiders are taking over - they realize this is their last hurrah until the first frost - get all the making a web big enough that it covers between two trees, yet you cannot see it - until you walk through it then they get to run over your head.

There is butternut squash in the grocery store.  No one knows what to do with it, everyone buys it.  It sits in the fridge until winter rolls around and you can safely throw away the rotten thing because it is past fall.

Everyone talks about how happy they are to wear sweaters for the cooler weather.  Oh be honest, it has been a LONG summer holding that muffin top in - I know I am ready for sweater weather.

We can now sleep with the windows open.  Oh wait, there's that dog that barks all night long, I missed being able to sleep through the night hearing only the hum of the air conditioner.

Beautiful leaves are creeping on the trees.  Yes, and everyone sounds like Elmer Fudd while on four different brands of allergy medicine along with 3 different nasal shots, don't forget the Chloraseptic due to post nasal drip of all the crap you're trying to clear out.

Fall Festivals - yes every church, school, organization, PTA, yard sale has a fall festival.  If I get rolled up like a mummy one more time, I'm going Egyptian on them.

Halloween decorations - I don't need them, I've got plenty of spiders and cobwebs to cover this one.  I will however put something that screams in the path of my front sidewalk that is motion detected - because well, someone has to enjoy Halloween.

Mums - this is the "I am too lazy to dig for pansies and I'll leave what's left of my flowers in but cover it with Mums in pots to look like fall."  Add in the fake pumpkin on the front step and you have the "Aint nobody got time for that Fall decorations."

Fall is that season where we think about hibernating - which means running to Costco for your case of wine, to the ABC store for the whiskey for your hot toddies (because we'll all catch that fall cold) and then to the nail salon for your last pedicure.  We all know that the legs and the toes are going into hibernation until the first day of spring - so why paint and why shave, right?

What do you love about Fall?

Jury Duty - Russian Roulette

Today I had the pleasure of experiencing the Judicial System.

"You'll love it, you sit and read and relax while getting paid by work AND the courts," my friend explained.

I packed my writing, two books I was reading, my iPad and some new music to listen to - expecting to relax for a day and catch up on things.

Boy was I wrong. 

The very first group of jurors - 37 people including yours truly.

How do the people who've been here before look?  "Oh shit, I could actually be picked for a case!"

Me?  I'm confused, I follow everyone out of the big jury room to a small court room asking along the way, "Do we still get to read?  Do I still get to write?"

We go into the court room that's about 85 degrees and all have to sit crowded onto church pews in the visitor seating area.  Someone next to me lets out a SBD, yes a silent but deadly fart.  Oh, it's going to be a long day.

The judge then went through all the procedures:

All eyes on the judge.
You must listen to every single part of the procedure.
You must not talk.
You cannot do anything except listen to the procedures.

So we go through the set of questions with the first set of prospective jurors, and I'm thinking this is pretty interesting, maybe I could do this until they get to the trial lasting about a week to week and a half.  My mind starts moving into what I have to do if I get picked, and I start sweating, while someone around me lets another one loose.

The judge asks if anyone cannot do the trial and I am tempted to get up with the four others and explain that my husband is out of town, that my kids are in school, that I work 3 different jobs.  As I think to do it, another woman says pretty much the same thing and the judge not only sends her back to the jury pool but lectures her on her civic duty.

I start sweating more, and someone lets another one.

Each juror is interviewed by both lawyers who then decide to keep them or let them go.  It's like that horror movie, you watch the next person hit the hot seat, listen to them answer a question, cringe when they say something that sends them out the door.  The amount of sweat you produce is a direct correlation to the number of people around you walking out of the courtroom.

I'm getting to a point where I am mentally answering the question for them, "Don't tell them you have a heart condition, you can serve jury duty with a heart condition!?"

Another one out the door, next.

"Don't tell them your whole life's story, just answer the questions.  What?   He's a pastor, oh man, they are going to let him go!"

Another one out the door, the woman next to be gets called, another foul one wafting across the room.

What?  She can't hear very well?   I think she can hear just fine, you mean she's 68, no that's not too old - PICK HER!

We get down to me and one other person sitting on the benches staring at each other like, "Please let them pick you."  The jury is sat, they are interviewing the alternates, I'd still get stuck.  I smell something and almost look at her saying, "REALLY!"

The woman stands with a piece of paper, I hold my breath.  She looks at us.

It's her.

I sit back because, I am not home free yet.  What if she has Tourette's Syndrome, or knows someone in the case, or doesn't answer the questions right?  I find myself saying a little prayer.

When the first lawyer is satisfied with the woman's answers, I smile as I see her frown and start sweating.  The defense lawyer asks her a few questions, she is hinting around that she doesn't have time to do it, the lawyer stops with her looks at the judge and says he is satisfied.



I almost jump up as the last prospective juror standing and yell "YEAH!  NA NA NA Boo Boo!  To who ever was FARTING, you're stuck with them!  I'm out of here!  Oh Yeah, Uh huh! ALL RIGHT!"

Instead I quietly leave the jurors sitting in the box looking like they are the one on trial and walk out of the room, HAPPY that I am back in the stuffy, hot, sweaty room of prospective jurors!  I'd rather be there any day - thank you Lord!

What I did learn:

It takes a special person, most of the people sitting with me had been married over 15 years, with several adult children, AND held a job for over 20 years.  I figured out why, because upstanding people are the ones that ACTUALLY show up for jury duty.  The rest?  They are getting deferments or just not showing up.

And if you get called to jury duty, don't complain about sitting in the big room with all the other people - it is SO MUCH better than sitting in on a trial and figuring out how to rearrange your life for the next week and a half.

Oh, and bring Febreeze with you because it is much better than standing up in the middle of the proceedings and looking at the people around you saying, "REALLY?  WHO IS IT?"

If you do your duty, as I did and don't get picked, you're scott free for two years AND you make 12 bucks for the day.  A win/win right?

Ever been to jury duty?

5 minutes in Dog Years

I need to go outside.

No really, I really need to go out side.

Whew, thanks for opening the door.



Ack!  It is freezing out here.

Let me in!

Let me in!

Whew, it is nice and warm in here.

Oh, wait, I forgot to use the bathroom.

I need to go outside.

Really, I forgot to use the bathroom, I HAVE to go outside.

Whew, thanks for opening the door.

It is freezing out here, let's get this over with fast!

Hey?  I'm back at the door, can you open it?

Really, open the door - it is freezing out here.

No?  Let me go to the other door.

Heck, is the back door I hear opening, wait!

Hey, I'm freezing back here, let me in.

I AM FREEZING, OPEN THE DOOR!

Whew, it is nice and warm in here.

..........

I think I want to go outside.