It's a Given - Children Edition

Here's a top 10 list of "It's a Given" when it comes to my children:

It's a given that when one of them decides to toot, strangely enough the other is somewhere close enough to grab and sit on.

It is a given that there are 4 really comfortable chairs in my living room.  But there will be one that they will have a WWE smack down on who sits in the chair first.

It is a given that when an argument breaks out between my boys it will always travel to right behind my chair in my office.

It is a given that both will ask me a constant barrage of questions when I am trying to type out a VERY IMPORTANT email.

It is a given that the little will get a wild hair and punch his brother then run.  15 minutes of screaming until I have to throw cold water on them getting them apart.

It is a given that I must be the only person in this house that actually sees dog crap.

It is a given that our house is highly organized, everything is "called for" or "seat checked."

It is a given that I will never have matching socks, therefore I have trained my kids that it is cool to have unmatched socks.

It is a given that my children believe it is better to leave kitchen cabinets open, that way you can ALWAYS see everything in them.

It is a given that they will sit quietly playing on their video games UNTIL that important call from my boss comes in!

They are currently arguing over who has a bigger brain.  I think I'll just leave that one alone because I WIN!

What are some "It's A Given" for you children?

WTF - What the Friday - Twerking

In case you have lived under a rock the past two weeks, everyone's been twerking everything they own to twerk.  So as a regular Friday installment, WTF or What The Friday wants to explore twerking.

Twerk - a dance club move, where a a person, usually a woman (oh really?) shakes her hips in an up and down motion causing her buttocks to wiggle (or wobble) or jiggle, or roll dependant upon the size of the booty.

There is no evidence of the origination of the word Twerk, some say it comes from the word "footwork" though I am at a loss of where the foot has anything to do with this - I think it is the booty. 

Another origin is the combination of the words "twist" and "jerk."  This makes sense because the word jerk does seem to go with this move.

To me, twerking has been around for a very long time, it just had a different name.  I have always known it as the "hoe dancing" or the "skankbug" or the "bootybop" because usually the ones twerking at any club I've ever been to had another one of the above names attached to them.

I searched the web for twerking and thought I would share some twerkers with you:

On a twerk forum: "Why is twerkin so easy for sum girls?  I wanna kno becus I want to be on the Twerk Team."

Twerk Team?  Do I really want to know?

Oh, and here's an answer (honest to God) "hahahaha i wil give you a good answer :] matter of fact i went to a twerk bash :D so basicall you ben over not al the waya bout half way arch your back hands ony your knee/thighs and move your knees up and down and pop your back or freestyla"

Yes, we can tell that very intelligent people are using the Twerk to further their education because putting on your college application that you were a standing member of the Twerk Team is a real plus.

Which brings me to ask these important questions?

Do you do the dance because it makes you use your Keugel Muscles?  Because if that's the case, then, I've got a lot of twerking to move.

When you shake your buttocks in an up and down motion, it is hard to stay standing?

And if you have a thong on and are twerking, do you apply vaseline to the string so you don't start a fire back there?

Is Twerking good for you?  Besides the exercise part, does it increase your flexibility?

If you are wondering if twerking is right for you, for some it just doesn't work.  Case in point, this video shows that twerking can actually kill you.

Be careful out there my friends.

She wore WHAT?

Here's a few tips for fashion over 40---

1.  I have yet to see a pair of white leggings that are not see through.  So if you don't have a see through kind of body, stick to the darker color leggings.

2.  It's OK to wear the baby doll or princess shirts when you are over 40 - people can look at your age and know exactly that you are not pregnant.

3.  Do not wear anything with any words like PINK or JUICE or anything else on your butt.  People your age can actually read and will read your butt.

4.  Push up bras were made for boobs that still had some type of perk to them, over 40 boobs will push up and fall out on a regular basis.  Make sure the bra looks realistic - no one wants to see your boobs touching your chin.

5.  Think twice about florals - you'll either look like a curtain or and old lady - the louder the print the more you'll see the sea of people parting for you.

6.  If you are wearing a thong, no one wants to know.  At your age it will scare most of your children's friends if they spy a "whale tail" coming out of your jeans.

7.  Your skirt length tells your style - too short = cougar, too long = grandma....just right above the knee so you can still show off the legs you've been working so hard on.

8.  Hip reading glasses - that makes being blind a little bit more manageable.

9.  Cute shoes - you can worry about your feet later.  If you don't have the clothes then blow them away with the shoes.

10.  Have fun with your clothing - it's more fun to dress up as the Chiquita Banana Lady to pickup your kids from school then the sweats and baseball hat.

11. Try it before you buy it - especially if it is on sale.  Nobody wants a hoochie mama skirt bought at 50% off that shows the bottom portion of your thong when you bend over.

Show your family that you haven't lost your sense of style in your extra layers of belly fat and dress like the fabulous forty something you are!

What would you add to the list?

Guys - What NOT to do for Valentine's Day

As you've probably become aware, Valentine's Day is just a few days away.  If you've been getting the hints from your significant others, you better get on the stick and do it now.  Here's a few hints of what NOT to do for your significant other.

Hooker Lingerie - I know you think that this is the perfect gift for both you and her but if she hasn't dressed up for you as a hooker then don't buy it.  The same is true with the value pack of white cotton Granny Panties.

Any appliance  - especially one she didn't ask for.  You will lose all man points even if you paid extra to have it installed by a Chippendale dancer.

Fixer Uppers - Don't let the lady behind the counter fool you, she does not want the Anti Wrinkle Cream for Valentine's Day - even if you're thinking she'll love even more that you shelled out $65 for a 6oz bottle.

Spanx - She needs to buy the slimming wear, you don't.  You're not supposed to notice she needs the slimming wear.

Potted plant - sure it's a living present, but honestly, if there are children in the household, how long will it live.  If you have to go with the living present, get the Chippendale guy as a singing telegram.

Chocolate - psst, she's already got a hidden stash of the chocolate she loves, you'll pick the wrong kind.  Then she'll spend the rest of the night wondering if you are trying to make her fat.

Fishing Pole - do not think of a single present that is a hint to her of what you like - hooker lingerie, fishing pole, sporting event tickets, you will be spending that special time without the love of your life, but will have a very happy best friend taking her place.

Gym Membership - really?  Of course your significant other, DOES NOT need a gym membership.  She's perfect - she has plenty of Spanx to hold everything in.

That stupid little peeing kid from Spensers - no novelty gifts - like "for the girl who has everything" or the twenty pack of different flavored condoms.  Those will be found in the back of her drawer in ten years by your children and you'll be footing the therapy bill.

Clothes - face it, where is everything article of clothing you've bought her?  Not sure?  Have you ever seen her wear it?  Not sure, trust your judgement the orange sweater just isn't her and leave the clothing shopping to her.

What can you go right with?  Gift Cards to her favorite stores.  A handwritten note of how much you love her (get your writer friend to write it.)  Schedule a house cleaning while she's at work.  Think of frivolous when thinking of gifts - fun, not what she expected and completely blow her away.  If all else fails, take her out to dinner and call it a night - especially if she's open to the hooker lingerie you gave her.

The BIG Coverup - the training bra

Remember the first time you had to cover up?

Pre-teen, looking at my flat chest, I remember wishing I had something to cover up.  When they start to grow, my mother looked at my mosquito bites, worried I had cancer and took me to the doctor.  (I did tell you I was a devout Catholic growing up)  The doctor smiled at us and explained, "She's growing breasts."  Before I could understand the humiliation, she took me home and announced to the family, "It's time to go and buy some bras."

I felt like I was walking to my execution, the department store with my MOM, and into the lingerie department.

She starts embarrassing me the moment we hit the top of the escalator,
"Honey, where do you think the young girl, I mean lady bras are?"
"Mom!"  I watch a cute boy go by wishing he hadn't heard that exchange.

To make it better, she adds to the embarrassment:

"Excuse me?"
Cashier, "Yes."

"My daughter is buying her first bra.  Can you recommend something for her body type."
Cashier looks at my skin and bones, "Umm, you may want to hit the training bras in that corner, size extra small."
Extra small?  Training bras? Really?
I stand there feeling humiliated until my Mom returns with a handful of bras, "Honey, I found the extra smalls."  I watch other girls walk by with their Moms, they laugh overhearing then give me the look of, "just endure it and you'll get the bras."

"Look at these cute little puppies, and I really like the American Flag ones," she says holding them up high as other people walk by.  I grab then and turn toward the dressing room, wishing this experience over, silently thinking, I kind of like the american flag one too - makes me feel patriotic.

My mother is following me to the dressing room.
"What are you doing?"  I ask.
"I need to make sure they fit you, you'll need my expertise," she answers.
"Mom, they are bras.  I think I know what I am doing."  I ask, praying I can do this by myself.
She walks into the fitting room with me, and sits on the bench waiting for me to try them on.  Guess this will prepare me for when I end up in prison, my life in the gutter from this one bra experience.

"Honey, does it fit?"
"Mom!"
"Lemme see...."  She runs her finger along the side, snaps it.
"Mom!"
"I think it's perfect."

We go to the cashier, and I endure my mother tearing up as she explains to the cashier and the lady waiting in line behind us that her little girl is growing up, and wearing TRAINING bras.  Then she looks at both of them and winks.

The boys in the class run their fingers down my back to see if I are wearing a training bra, and even if it's simply mosquito bites, I've got the bra on.  I'll never thank her, but secretly glad we took that time to help me become a "woman."

Remember your first training bra?  Did you buy it or did your mom?

Going to the beach...don't leave without....

Going to the beach with my family has taught me a few valuable lessons prior to school letting out and summer beginning:

1.  Sand is evil.  It has this power, I call it the crotcrakmiserwear power, the ability to find the one place that would annoy you and working it's way in there.  Here are a few example:
In the hinge of my glasses, so every time I open them it crunches.
In my beverage/food/mouth so I can hear the crunch between my teeth.
Inside my bathing suit just as I go for a long walk and feel every inch of it.
On the lollipop BEFORE the child even gets first lick - I just take lollipops and roll them in the sand then say, "Here honey, let's just get this out of the way."

2.  It is very easy to skip your mortgage when at the beach.
It starts with the trip to the grocery store for every snack food you can imagine without any nutritional value.
You then spend a fortune in the souvenir shop so you don't have to buy them a LIVE hermit crab to bring home.
There's not one, but many trips to the arcade and each involves lots of money, money for THE CLAW, the one game that has taught too many children the agony of defeat.  With THE CLAW is the DRAW, if they hit it big, there's a iPod Touch they could win!  Children will result to digging through the couches to satisfy their claw addiction.

3.  Food at the beach has no calories, especially those that are good for you like - French Fries, Funnel Cake, Ice Cream, Candy, and especially Caramel Popcorn - when followed by a Diet Coke.

4.  Everything will stay perpetually wet at the beach - your bathing suit, your towels, your clothes, toilet paper, coffee filters and especially

5.  There is no way to look sexy running - Bo Derek was a fluke, probably because they filmed her in slow motion so she didn't fall all over the place when her feet hit the sand.  When you do fall in the sand, it's usually with that lollipop in hand.

6.  If you want to feel better about yourself - go to the boardwalk.  Your choice of bathing suit is so much better than 400 lb men in Speedos and women in thongs where their butt cheecks eat up the butt floss.  If they are not walking in bathing suits, they are in too short shorts, too tight T-shirts, and usually holding the extra size bucket of French Fries.  Feel better about your self and go on a diet all at the same time.

7.  Thinking about a tattoo - go to the boardwalk - best deterrent out there.  The 70 year old female in the thong with the tattoo of Free Bird from the 60's that now looks like a Turkey Vulture on crack will make you think twice.

8.  You will look like shit at the beach, beach hair - that fully humidity, kinky, hard water shit you can't get a comb through will be the norm.  Want to feel better, go to the boardwalk and see that everyone else is in the same predicament, some worse than yours.

9.  The pirates had it right - the only way to survive the beach - the sand, the boardwalk, the mini golf, the food is with rum.

What have you learned at the beach/

How to be a good friend.....

There are a few simple steps to being a good friend:

1.  Be there, make time for your friends.  Life can be busy with many things going on in the family, which can swallow up your precious time.  Take that time for friends because that is also time for yourself.  This time moves you away from being "so and so's Mom" and to being a woman and a friend again.  You'll find that even if it's just an hour a week that that hour becomes so precious that you schedule your family time around it.

2.  Let your friends know that you care.  If the snowy days of winter have you yearning to become a hermit, use that time to network in cyberspace with friends.  A quick note or a small chat and they know that you are there AND you are thinking of them.  It doesn't take long but the ripple effect is tremendous!

3.  Shut up!  No, I'm not being mean, but just shut up and listen as your friends speak.  This can be difficult because as women, we're always trying to fix everything, but think about the times you need to talk.  You need to talk, so when it's your friend's turn, listen and let them talk.  Watch as they purge what's on their mind then begin to actually relax and enjoy the company!  Taking that time is saying, "you matter, I'm listening, I'm there for you."

Simple steps to establish your friendships forever.  These are the people when kids move off and go to college and start their own lives that will be there to listen when you need someone.  Take the time today and enjoy the benefits through your lifetime.  Now pick up the phone and call that friend!