WTF - If I woke up a man....

If I woke up with a penis,  I would be different, I mean do things differently:

I wouldn't stick it anywhere it doesn't belong.

I wouldn't brag about it to my friends.

I wouldn't be checking if it is still there on a regular basis.  Or maybe I would.  Because I could grab it whenever I want.

I wouldn't find references to it any chance I could.

I would never name it.  No Puff, the One Eyed Dragon, or Meat Hammer, or Definitely NOT Tiny Flute.

I wouldn't even use the Dicktionary, really, I had to go there.

I wouldn't be a dick about having a dick.

I wouldn't wear tight clothes accentuating what I already know.

I guess I would have a ball, or maybe two.

Of course, mine would look like the statue of David, not an over 40 elderly well, um, worm.

But then the possibilities:

I'd pee outside in the woods with out a care.  The first time I didn't have to wipe with a leaf, or worst yet a poison ivy leaf (yes, we will not go there)

I'd show everyone in my family that you can actually make the toilet if you try.

I'd probably ask for a raise.

And yes, I'd probably consume a six pack of beer and go out into the snow and write....

A poem.

What did you think?


And, in case you are wondering, if you were a man, well, ummm, you can calculate your size here

Oh Groupon - You did it again!

Groupon!  Are you yanking my chain?

The advertisement describes the importance of a clean "undercarriage" I couldn't agree more.

Then a bunch of questions come to mind:

First of all, does this look like a Smurf Dick to you?

How vigorous do you wash your "undercarriage?"  Is this something you need to do several times a day?  Do you need a "deep down scrub job?"

It looks so soft, but I am sure if I touch it, it would be pretty hard right?

Do you hold this in your right hand or left hand?  Or whichever one is more comfortable?

Is it a gentle wash or does it require some control?

How often to you use this?  Can it do any harm to your undercarriage with overuse?

When exactly do you lube it?  Before or after?

Do I hold the protruding handle while I crank it?

Will it eventually turn a different color after use?  Or just stay blue?

Then of course, if you are planning on using the Bike Chain Wash and Scrub Kit often you may need this other Groupon buddy to protect those valuables.

The Banana Bunker.

Hurry!  Take advantage of this offer because it could sell out soon.  We all know of quite a few dirty chains that need a great scrub, then a good lube.

WTF - How do you define success?

Everyone has their own definition of success, I thought I would throw a few things out there that put a zippidy do day to my day.

10.  When the pants you put away last summer actually fit, and I mean you are not laying on the floor trying desperately to close the zipper.

9.  When the dog has not decided to get up in the middle of the night and take a shit right next to your bed.  (Think she is trying to tell me something)

8.  When my gas low light dings AFTER I have dropped both children off to school.  Can't be stuck in the car with them saying, "Well, why didn't you get gas before?"

7.  Everyone after a long 7 hour drive in the car emerging alive.  (That takes a lot of restraint)

6.  When you bite into the lemon filled Krispy Kreme doughnut and it doesn't explode down the front of your shirt making it look like you puked yourself.  (I was not successful this morning)

5.  When a friend stops by for a glass of wine and you haven't already poured one for yourself.  At 2pm in the afternoon, on a weekday.

4.  Finding that really cute shirt you bought on the sale at the end of last summer.  Actually, forgetting about the sale and shirt and everything then that Christmas feeling of finding something new with the tags still on.

3.  Finding money in the pockets of everyone else in the family's pants.  Especially after it has been freshly laundered.

2.  Opening the Chateau de Box of wine and finding you still have another glass left.

1.  Someone actually repeating back to you a job you want them to do, especially younger aged children and men married over 10 years.

What do you call a success story?

How can I be too stupid to date?

I was researching a story I had on my mind and wondered how hard it was to sign up for the dating services.  No, I am 28 years happily married, it was RESEARCH!  I picked one of the biggest ones.

The first screen looked like a piece of paper that read:

Me, I figured it was just a welcome screen, so I clicked on the Let's Get Started Button.

This is what I got back:

And that, my friends is why I have been happily married for 28 years.  Maybe tomorrow I'll do a little more research and report what happens IF I get past the welcome screen.

WTF - Olympic Style

So, am I the only one glued to the TV for the Winter Olympics?  Here's my beef?

Who comes up with all the ski and snowboard names?


"Oh my God, she did a Double McCorkle, McTwist, Taco Supreme without Tomatoes and landed it with a 197560!"

What's up with the commercials?

"Let's all celebrate the 20 gold medals with a 20 piece chicken nugget box from McDonalds!"

What's up with the outfits.

"Yes, it is Team USA in their Christmas sweaters from 1980, oh wait, is that jeggings they are wearing?"

What's up with the skier from Norway outfit?

"Has anyone sent him the memo that your pants hanging down around your ankles does not make you very aerodynamic?"

What's up with the Skeleton?

"I was to strap on a speed suit, jump on a sled, and ride down a sheet of ice at 80 miles per hour," said no sane kid ever.

What's up with the accomodations?

"Yes sir, I am early to my event because I have no hot water, several stray puppies in my room and not a single pillow.

WTF - there is an actual guy named Andreas WANK  and Semen Pavlichenko.

I'll leave you with that.

Things that Never Go As Planned

Here's a list of things that never go as planned.



1.  That first perm - or finding out what the true definition of pubic hair by looking in the mirror.

2.  That crafty project with your children - or how did glue get THERE?

3.  Any recipe you've found on pinterest - or they must have photoshopped that 2 ingredient souffle.

4.  That First Date - who would have thought you couldn't have a conversation at a Metallica concert?

5.  The Family Vacation - or better titled - "You forgot WHAT?"

6.  Sex in a Public Place - like your bedroom because with kids that is considered public domain.

7.  A New Car - because there's always that tankard of iced tea that needs to fall on the mats within the first week.

8.  A Hot Bath - because you didn't realize 4 other people took a LONG, HOT shower ahead of you.  (AND the public place, because the bathroom is also fair game.)

9.  Your Karaoke Career - because even if you sound like Shania Twain in the shower, we know Shania Twain, and you ARE not Shania Twain.

10.  Jeggings - sounds good, feels comfortable but it is still sausage casing for your legs.

What to do if they don't go as planned.

1.  Carefully plan your Rumplestilkskin moment - specifically if you want someone to feel guilty.

2.  Reconsider your options - killing said children is NOT an option.

3.  Move to Plan B - usually including Goo Gone and Duct Tape and a bottle of tequila.

4.  Ask for input - look at everyone as if they've lost their mind.

5  Plan to never do it again, then conveniently forget the pain 3 months later and do the same cycle all over again.

Gingerbread Men - Nailed it!

So our yearly tradition of making gingerbread men,

How I picture it in my mind:

 I think we nailed it, don't you?

Of course, the pinterest picture of the cookies

Definitely nailed that one!

Oh yeah, we should be bakers!

Kids, I need you to wait until after dinner to eat the cookies.

Yep nailed that one too!

Runnerisms

Whether you are a short distance or long distance runner, here's a few runnerisms I think you will understand:

Chafeam - This is that scream in the shower when you find you missed a vital part of your body with the Body Glide.

Going For The Burn - There's chaffing on your body, you know the shower is going to sting, you bite a leather strap and go in anyway.

Bloe - this is that toe you thought to cut before you long run, then forgot.  It is now reminding you with an insistent throbbing.  It is then covered with blood at the end of your run.

WWSD - this is that conversation in your mind where you so want to walk during a long run but you are reminded with "What Would Steve (Prefontaine) Do?"

PACE - the salsa of runners.  You can either pickup the Pace, pick the Pace, or run away with the Pace.

Racing Singlet - a catch tune or that short cut top that makes you look sexy for the bystanders.

PR - a personal request - usually at the beginning of a run, "Can we run by Krispy Kreme so I can carbo load?"  This can also be a Personal Roll - that fall during a run that includes a popping up on your feet saying, "I'm OK."

Runner's Courtesy - best to say, "On your left" than "Get out of the way!"

Injurathon - that meeting with other runners where everyone focuses and explains all of their injuries while the rest bow their heads in sympathy.

Masters - we've been running long enough to remember to smile at the camera at the finish line.

Fast Charlatan - that person that suits up for the marathon (water bottles, gels, body glide, cloth, gummy bears)  and then runs 3.1 miles.

Lady Gaga - that runner that has every new piece of gear including the ultra compressing while massaging you'll love them tights.  Unfortunately, not much of it looks good on her.

Breams - those dreams in the middle of a long run where you see the ice cold beer waiting for you at home, even if your run ends at 7am.

Runner - that person that leaves part of their body and most of their mind on a road to no where and enjoys the journey.

What would you add?

I'm going in....

We all have skeletons in our closet, I have actual skeletons in mine.  I decided today that I was embarking on a purge of all the skeletons, which meant hitting THOSE closets.  You know the ones:

The closet in the boys room that they "clean" their room in, meaning, when I ask them to clean their room, they throw everything in the closet and shut the door - there, it's clean.

The guest room closet - yes, I've stuffed that one.  My husband calls that my "hoarder" closet.  Psst, there is a crib in there, and my youngest is 9 years old - anyone want it.

The Big Momma - that's the one we've all been throwing shit in for years.  The boys are at the point that they are even afraid to open the door, because we are all sure that just like in the movies, everything will come crashing down on us.

So I'm in the boys room.  It already smells like feet.  I'm thinking, "Should I take a shot of tequila before I open that door?  Or just put the Vapor Rub under the nose like the episode of Silence of the Lambs.  Either way, my mind is made up.

"Honey, I'm going in," I say to my husband who stands there with a large black trashbag as his hazmat suit.

Here's how to effectively clean out a kids closet room:

Start with the clothes.  Marvel at the 6month onezies you find in the back right corner, even if it looks like they have moldy pee on them.  Sort by size.  Get mad at the nice big pile of clothes your children grew out of because they were hidden in the closet.  Think about doing the smell test on what is left, then deciding it's just easier and better for your health if you just wash the huge pile.

Pull all the toys out.  Smile and remember fondly the zillions of happy meal toys you find in the closet.  Wonder how much money you've spent on Happy Meals as you notice you have several Shreks and way too many Fionas.  Put all toys in a huge trash bag that you go and hide in the guest room closet because if your husband sees all the toys you will get the lecture about spending too much money on fast food that is unhealthy.

That leaves the crap on the floor.  Pieces of toys, several pieces of petrified apple, a glass with a very questionable colored ring and of course the moldy dog poop.  Sweep this into the trash and immediately take to the trash can, the long line of ants will promptly fall you our the door and into the trash can.

Now the closet looks beautiful and I feel accomplished.  Stand wondering how long it will actually stay that way, then send sweet hubby to go and buy a lock so you can lock it closed every cleaning day.

Oh, did I tell you I found a skeleton?

Yep, an small frog skeleton that must have perished due to lack of nutrition in the astonishingly intact french fries.  We'll make stories about him and the freeze dried Alligator Head, but that's for another time.

What skeletons would you clean out of your closets, or do you have THOSE closets?

A Real Man - Pre Father's Day Fun

Sure I can stare at Brad Pitt all way, or send pictures of Fast and Furious to my friends.  But how do you define a real man?

Bounce a brick off his abs?  Smoldering eyes that skewer you with just a stare?  Steel arms that wrap around you?  Here's That Grey Area's Verison of a "Real Man."

Pre - K

Standing there with baby throw up down the front of his shirt and laughing about it.

Changing a diaper and forgetting to cover the money shot and paying for it.

Laying on the couch with a child asleep on his chest and not asking for a thing.

Getting quietly out of bed on a Sunday morning and taking the little ones for a "doughnut run."


Holding a small child who just learned how to use the potty all by himself and wiping his behind.

Holding that same child while he is sleeping and simply shrugging when he's peed on saying, "Well, at least it is family pee."

Putting together ANYTHING - lego ship, bicycle, grill with two willing "helpers" and actually getting the job done.


Explaining that all this "healthy food" Mommy made is "good for us" so let's go ahead and clean our plates (without even a look of disgust)

Allowing all of his T-shirts to turn into a nice light pink because "someone" was in a hurry and forgot about the red kids shorts thrown in the wash.

Standing and watching the nice temper tantrum roll around on the floor without looking at Mom and saying, "What is his problem?"

Stepping on a Lego in the middle of the night and not waking the whole house with a scream.





Not slapping the child when you ask him to do laundry and he says, "I didn't put detergent in because I didn't know where it was supposed to go."

Not killing the child because everything of his that the child touches for some reason becomes broken.

Not getting mad when every single remote in the home disappears and then reappears with dead batteries.

Baiting a hook, because this semi-vegetarian can't even kill a worm!

Remaining calm when everything disappears from his toolbox to strangely end up at the Rock Fort.

Spending every Father's Day cooking his own meal on the grill, because no one does it better than Dad.

Running behind that bike for two Sunday mornings (separate years) and yelling, "You have to pedal for it work.  Pedal!"

Taking one child  out to breakfast and "the talk" and telling you that the main point is "respect."

Taking one look at your Boudoir shots from 1929 and saying, "you still look great!"

Sitting through games of Poker and not thinking twice that teaching the kids poker is a "bad thing."

Sitting watching my family argue over end of life decisions with a parent and keeping his mouth shut.

Singing "Dixie Chicken" by Little Feat to me.

And finally saying, "That's nice."  When I said, "I love you," for the first time - always keep them guessing.

REAL Conversation Hearts

What candy hears should really say - For All The Single ladies--

U R NOT 4 ME

Y NOT GO AWAY

OUT OF YUR LEAGUE

U DON'T MAKE ENOUGH

DON'T WAIT 4 TXT

I'M NOT DESPERATE

TOO MUCH 4 U

NOT TODAY

NOT EVER

IT'S NOT ME IT'S U

LOOKS DO MATTER

C U LATER SUCCA

AIN'T GOT TIME FOR DAT

For the Kids in the family - 

YUR FACE - my boys love this saying so much, and it would fit so well on a conversation heart.

WTF? -  You know, Want The Fudge?

CLEAN YUR ROOM

Y YOU FIGHT

BRUSH YUR TEETH

STOP!

B-CAUSE I SAID SO

And Finally for us Moms - 

NAP 4 U

I'M IN THE TOILET, PLS!

GLASS O WINE

MILF

SEXY YOGA PANTS

CALL ME A SITTER

Man Language - Um Yeah

 Good morning students, today our topic for Language Arts is Man Language.  We're going to explore the different dialects of Man Language and start with some easy translations.  A common phrase in Man Language is "Ummm Yeah."  Like the Woman Language phrase of "FINE" this can have many different meanings when used in different context.  For example:

"Ummm Yeah," when used with asking a woman for directions, translates into, "Oh, I listened to where you said I should go but I'm going to go the opposite way, get lost and get mad at you."  If you add the word, "OK," to the end of it the translation includes, "After making you go in the gas station and ask the attendant."

"Ummm yeah," can also be used to describe something.  When in Woman Language the male hears the phrase, "Don't these jeggings make my butt look small?"  The "Ummm yeah," translates to, "Whoa, what in the world are you talking about, but I'm not getting myself in trouble.  I'm leaving your girlfriends to do that."

"Ummm yeah," also can be used as a contradiction.  "Ummm yeah," into the cell phone at approximately 2am translates to, "Yes, I'm on my way home.  Be right there."  Usually, the male then lets his phone die to have the excuse, which brings another way to use, "Ummm yeah," this one after the woman phrase, "I'm assuming that you're going to tell me that your phone died?"

"Umm yeah," can also used to describe something.  Most men now have the app that alerts them when their girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter gets a haircut.  The first words of, "Umm yeah," translate to, "my app told me you got your hair cut, I can't tell except that you look mad because I didn't say something."

"Umm yeah," can also be used to show men's feelings.  When in Woman Language, there is a "dumping," meaning, a girlfriend was not present for a session which leaves that evening as he is trying to watch Vana on Wheel of Fortune.  Translation, "I didn't hear a word you said, but hope this sufficing as acknowledgement."

Just like many languages, certain phrases have many different meanings when put in different context.  Next lesson delves deeper into a more used term, with many more meanings, the term, "Sure."

And now for your homework, please post your examples in the comments for other uses of, "Ummm, yeah."

Class is dismissed.