WTF - Get Real!

What the Friday wonders why products can't be honest with us:

Why didn't the sanitary napkin say, "Sticky side down?"  I mean, really, BE SPECIFIC!!

Why can't my treadmill count in glasses of wine, what I can fill up with the night after my workout.
"6 glasses of wine" or 900 calories - which one makes more sense.

Rather than the calorie count on the Krispy Kreme doughnut box, it should show number of doughnuts based on shrinkage of pant size.  6 doughnuts = sausage casings.

100 Calorie packs - they should just say, "Why did you even buy us?"  when you eat the entire box, one 100 calorie pack at a time.

Alcohol Warning - sure it says "could cause dizziness, loss of memory, hot flashes," why did it not say, "Could cause possible pregnancy."  Had I known.

Why wasn't there a warning on Facebook, "Could become addictive, causing you to stalk your ex lovers, fight with political opponents, and realize you are not the perfect Mom."

And on the marriage certificate - "May cause memory lapses, mood swings, periods of confusion and pregnancy."


Skiing down a ski slope, there's a very large pine tree in the middle, with a CAUTION sign attached to it.  Really?  I guess some poor dude thought he could ski through a tree!

Real warning on Spandex pants - "Will not make your but look small, but can possibly smooth out the cottage cheese."

On the bra - "Do not use as a sling shot after a long day."

And finally on Children:

"Could cause periods of hallucinations, repressed anger, hot flashes, AND memory loss."

But who heeds warnings anyway?

WTF - What are you worried about?

I just read a quote that said, "When you don't know what to write about, write about what worries you."

Here goes:

I am very worried about my butt.  In most cultures, it would be considered a nice booty.  I am insecure that I cannot afford it getting any bigger because it would cost me too much in ski clothes.

I am worried about the Zombie Apocalypse - it is starting with our children.  Have you seen their eyes when they are on a video game?  I guess I wouldn't be so worried if I had Darryl with me, then that's be OK.

I am worried that Facebook will finally make that "See who's stalking you" app.  Because if they do, then Johnny Depp and a few other people are going to find out about me.

I am worried they will cancel Criminal Minds.  Then what other "eye candy" yet intellectual show could I watch.

I am worried that my children will find my secret stash of candy.  My butt hopes they will, and that they will eat all of it, but my mind worries they will.

I am worried my friends will figure out who I am.

I am worried my skeletons will escape my closet.  The parachute pants, the boudoir photos, and one and only perm picture, oh and the black leather mini skirt I still can't get myself to pitch.

I am worried that I will never be carded again.  Especially when McDonalds asked if I was ordering a "senior" coffee.

I am worried that I may never sleep through the night ever again.  I've heard it happens possibly when the kids are out of the house but worried it may not happen for me.

I am worried that this is all there is.  I mean out of the box of wine.  What were you thinking?

What worries you?

WTF - Mathematics of Life

Here's a few math problems for your What The Friday email:

Johnny as 10 minutes to get out the door to a job interview.  Via forgot to print off his resume.  Johnny is yelling at Via to print off his resume he has to go.

Determine the percentages of each item to equal 100%
a.  The Printer is out of ink.
b.  The Printer is not connected to the network.
c.  Three consecutive paper jams
d.  Johnny and Via divorce.

Maya has one Chateau de Box of Red Wine.  She reads a recipe that calls for red wine as part of the preparation.  There is enough left in Maya's box of wine to perform the recipe.  If Maya does not have another box of wine, how far can she reduce the wine in the recipe to save some for herself?

Hulio and Raolo meet at their 20th High School Reunion.  Hulio is still single and hitting the bar scene.  Raolo is married with 3 children under the age of ten.  Determine the percentage that Hulio and Raolo have anything in common to talk about.

Consuela has 5 bottles of wine.  She drinks 30% of the bottles in hand.  What does Consuela have?

There are 53 candy bars after halloween, if 8 children dive for the leftover candy, how many pieces does each child get?

Bernard has read that used wine can be frozen in ice cubes.  He has found Mia's leftover wine, 1/4 bottle.  How many ice cubes can he make before Mia kicks his butt for using her wine?

Probability - Determine the probability of Vera getting a cold shower if the temperature is 16 degrees, there are 4 people showering ahead of her and 1 dog has rolled in shit.

You are welcome for That Grey Area helping you stretch your brain muscles with REAL WORLD math problems.  What problems would you add?

WTF - What the Friday - Halloween Style

It's Friday and we survived another Halloween - even if my thighs feel another inch bigger after the binge on candy.  But during out trick or treating we has several WTF moments.

Whoppers - seriously, who gives out these things?  NOBODY likes them.  NOBODY.  I am tempted to egg your house for giving out handfuls of these.  Perhaps you are a dentist and figure no one's going to eat them so you're saving teeth in a covert kind of way.

Warners - these are the great parents that say, "Watch out, someone is going to jump out from behind that tree."  In my case, I worked hard to stay still holding that bucket of candy, waiting for them to get

close to jump up and offer candy.  Who are you?  The Lone Ranger?  The whole point of Halloween is to scare people - and you ARE RUINING IT!  Oh, and the next time you come, I'm hiding from you and scaring you FIRST!

Non dressers - no you do not look like a hoodlum.  No you cannot get candy if you are dressed up as yourself.  You may think you're pretty cool but no, it's not cutting it.  Period.

Fun Size - this is the biggest WTF.  Why do you call little bars the FUN size?  They are not fun?  They are little?  They should be called the Torture Size?  Or Starter Size because we all know you're going to eat the whole bag after that first Fun Size, right?

Wrappers - candy wrappers should be designed to spontaneously combust after 15 minutes when separated from the piece of candy.  This would make a lot of Moms happy and not thinking, "WTF" when they come downstairs the next morning to a mess on the floor.

Do Gooders - seriously.  It is Halloween.  Give out candy.  Floss?  Apples?  Pretzels (well, OK we did dip them in melted chocolate and eat them)  Give us one day when we can indulge in sugar and not feel guilty.  Plus you know everyone throws away the apples because of the possibility of razors in them.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween, I did.  I scared a bunch of little children and in my world, that's awesome.  Keep this list handy so you don't make any of these blunders next year.

What's your WTF for Halloween?

WTF - What The Friday - Oh Google Image Search

I've been learning a few things from Google that I thought I would pass on to you.

Words you should not use when doing a Google Image Search:

Kitties, cat or worse yet - pussy cat - I never knew there were so many teenage girls out there taking nude selfies of themselves

Death Mask - not only will you get more naked teenagers but you will see the entire back of JFK's head missing.

Any bug - bed bugs, lice, brown recluse, fleas - you will get way more visuals than you ever need.

Any medical condition - not only will you get the nastiest pictures you could ever see, but most of the details explains you only 3-6 months left to live with that dandruff condition.  And don't ever, ever google mucus plug.

Walmart - hey, I was just looking for phone number but the images that popped up now are giving me  nightmares.

Fat - not phat, but fat.  Again there are people out there taking naked selfie that you really don't want to see.  Number one website that pops up?  Belly fat.....really?

Waffles - especially when you are being specific - I accidentally typed in Blue Waffles instead of blueBERRY waffles.

The biggest WTF is the entire threads dedicated to terms you should not google search, so what do I do - I search a few of them-prolapse and girl in the bathtub...

Yeah, that's enough for me.

Don't search them.
Keep your safe search on.

Didn't I tell you not to search them?

And of course, you always have to google yourself.  Wonder why this picture came up?

WTF - What The Friday - Woods of Terror?

How to make it through Woods of Terror - A Mom's Guide

Do not bring them to the Monster Parade if they are on the fence, you'll lose your general admission when they refuse to go in after being chased by a chainsaw wielding zombie.

Eat plenty of bananas the week before - potassium stops bruising which you will have plenty of from the hands of the kids behind you grabbing your arms in a death grip.

Use your Mom ears - the ones where you really don't hear the fighting in the same room?  That way you can waltz through the barrel hitting zombie miners.

Bring one of your child's dirty diapers - show it to the zombie women with a "you think that is gross, well lookee here!"

Wear gloves - it makes pulling kids through the confined spaces, and the cushions in the gloves make the finger sqeezing a little easier.

Things to remember:

You will be pushed at the zombie/monster/vampire first, we have taught our children that Mom will lay her life on the line for her little kids, they really believe that!

Set aside the sanitizer until the end - this is supposed to be scary - and thinking of the germs in all the different area - well, that's scary.

Don't look scared - or they will be scared.  Use scented panty liners and they won't smell you pee your pants.

It's really not that scary for Moms - some of the things we've seen teenagers do - now that is pretty scary.  Sit them down and tell them your stories - you'll have THEM running for the hills.

So I pulled several kids through some of the attractions, peed my pants (a little bit) but had a great time with the kids at Woods Of Terror!  Bring your kids and show them how Moms really can protect their little monsters from monsters!!

It's Friday....Family Fun? NOT!

Ever wonder why parents always talk about drinking wine?  Here's envision vs reality of Friday Night Family Activities:

Spend a family night watching movies - reality - spending the night starting to watch several movies on Netflix before moving on because they are really bad.  Realization - there are a lot of BAD movies on Netflix.

Game Night with the Family - get out the old favorites and play Monopoly with popcorn and sodas.  Reality - a bottle of wine for Mom and another one for Dad as the kids start arguing over who gets what Monopoly piece and way.  Ending game night in the bathroom nursing a bleeding cut from one child throwing his houses at his brother for bankrupting him.

Go out to a nice dinner with the family - enjoy quality conversation with the family on a beautiful evening out.  Reality - arguing with one that he cannot order the Filet Mignon off the adult menu while convincing the second that a dinner of crackers and soda is actually pretty healthy.  Saving enough money this way to order a bottle of wine for Mom and Dad.

Campfire Cookout - outside evening relaxing while listening to nature.  Reality - fight over who gets to light the fire.  Leave hubby to do this deed, him and boys come back with partial eyebrows missing.  Evening spent sitting in the perfect spot for the smoke of the fire to continually hit you in the face, while a child argues with another continuously looking like someone will fall face first into the fire.

Arts and Crafts Night - create beautiful projects to give as gifts for grandmothers and grandfathers.  Reality - painting Inspector Clouseau moustache on your face is not funny.  Painting the dog, not even funny.  Spilling the paint, walking through it then walking through the house - definitely not funny.

Make A Home Movie - create a memory of the fun your family has making a home movie.  Reality - disgusted halfway through because all they want to do is smack their butts in front of the camera.  Then giving up when all they want to do is the Harlem Shake.  Tell them not to keep filming you drinking wine, you'd rather not have that in your memory.

Family Reading Night - sit and enjoy a good book, reading aloud to the family.  Reality - no one wants to sit quietly while you read a book, so they ask questions with every sentence so you get to a point where even you are not sure what you are reading.  To tell your friends that you actually achieved reading night - give them comics - heck, at least they are reading.

So I guess I look forward to Friday because it's one night where I can justify drinking wine - and as a good Mom, at least give a few of these the college try.  Will make any family activity that much easier.

Happy Friday!