Hello, I'm Kelly's Belly Fat, nice to meet you.

We all have that middle age moment.  Where you wake up one morning, look down and wonder:

"Since when do I look six months pregnant and the only option of that being true is the immaculate conception?"

Hello Belly Fat, you snuck up on me.  Didn't see you coming.

So I go and start researching how to get rid of it.  My first article was quite interesting:  Here it is.http://www.healthyfoodhouse.com/there-are-4-types-of-bellies-what-is-yours-and-how-to-get-rid-of-it/

The article has this picture to start it:

I didn't get much further.

The only one who looks happy doesn't have belly fat but can you see how large her butt is?

And the other three, well, I can't even go there.

Number one is happy if not thinking of running more to get the butt off.

Number two is thinking "OK atleast I only look 3 months pregnant not like 4 and 5."

4 is looking at 5 thinking, "Who picked out this completely unflattering outfit for us?"

If you travel past the picture, and I know it is difficult.  The article describes one was of getting rid of belly fat was to eat a lot of "sole food."

Correct me, but isn't sole, I mean soul food full of fat?

Or did they mean that we should just eat shoe leather or "sole food" because that will keep the weight off.

Another option is to "stop fast food and enter huge amounts of caffeine."

I think what the author was trying to say is the quickest way to get rid of this fat is "Red Bull and Slimfast.  Your heart will be racing as you hang out on the toilet, but boy, it will drop quickly."

Honestly, I think all the women in the picture have that "WTF" look on their faces because they don't understand any of the article.  I get it, not a single thing made sense.  And I'm not a grammar nazi, but wow, this one really needed some help.

If you want more information on how to get rid of your belly fat, don't forget to surf by and read the comments, which will make you belly laugh - and hey, that could move out some of the fat.

Me?  I'm going to go searching again, because we all need something to laugh at!

Hello Menopause, my Old Friend

I'm getting old.

Yes, I have fought it every step of the way, but somehow it caught up with me.

I am getting old.

How do I know?

I am having hot flashes.  

Those feelings I used to welcome when watching Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies but now they come at the wrong time.

When someone wants to give me a hug.

When I have put on that cute dress that just seems to not only soak up the water my body produces but places it in the most inappropriate places, like looking like I've peed myself.

I'm having mood swings.

My husband will say, "Good morning sweetie," and I hear, "Hey lardass how many Reese Cups did you eat last night?"  I know it is not right, but something inside makes me react to that.

Then my kids will do what they normally do - not brush their teeth for 6 days, or take their shoes off in the car when the windows are up or spend the afternoon annoying each other, normally I can ignore this, but all of a sudden I want to become Jason Vorhees and take out a chainsaw  and make they feel sorry they said "STOP" for the 1032th time.

I have a teenage face.

I wish it was the lack of wrinkles, or how nice and tight my skin is, it unfortunately is my skin has decided to errupt with craters bigger than Mt. St. Helenes, and off course mine are not the "I don't see anything zits," they are the "Wow, how many times have you picked at that one," zits.

I have a muffin top.

Is there nothing I can do for this extra layer of fat around my waist?  I am cutting my calories, my only carb is a single crouton once a week.  Some of my sisters nod knowingly with the "Oh, yeah, we tried that too" face but they let me do my pilates, my crunches, my burpees and see the same, "When's the baby due" stomach.

Now if I could take care of the liquid carbohydrates, well, then I'd be back at the beginning of this list and in a much worse mood.

I can't sleep.

Sure I worry about my kids, my job, my mortgages, my muffin top.  When I was younger, I'd wake up thinking, "Was that an axe murderer I heard in the house?"  Now, I wake up thinking, "Was that the dog barfing I heard?"  I can fall back to sleep only to wake up again thinking, "Did I actually post that after two glasses of wine?  or When did I pay the electric bill?"  These mean, just get up because you'll be obsessing about it anyway.

I'm become unsure.

I don't know which mood I hate more - the I want to kill everyone or the I am sliding into the pool of old age mood.  One at least gives me energy, the other just makes me sigh.  But then I look at Sophia Loren and Susan Sarandon and Meryl Streep and I just.....well, sigh.  Maybe the liquid bread is the problem.

I have memory loss.

I forget why I walked into a room.  I forget that my glasses are sitting on my head.  I forget that I schedule a facebook post and then like it because I think it is cool.  I write whole short stories and forget them until I read them a few days later.

I forget where I put my keys, I forget if I washed a pile of laundry until I smell it and as I fall to my knees remember this was on going INTO the washer.  I forget all the reminders school sends home, then forget re-reminders.  Yes, I am that parent begging, "I know it is a week late, but please let me turn in this fundraiser, sure it's a bunch of orders but it's really all my own money but he really wants to do the pig races this year!"

Luckily I know who I am and where I am going - and I do not need GPS to tell me so.  The best part about age is the wisdom that comes with it, so forget all the crappy stuff that comes along and embrace the new and improved you!

What are some of your menopause symptoms?

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
Take a look at the five and ten
 in my belly when I bend 
With muffin tops and great skin rash
to show! 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
fans on ev'ry floor 
But the prettiest sight to see 
is how full my glass will be 
after my own first pour!

Forget the hopalong boots just a pistol that shoots 
Is the wish of mine today; 
kids that will clean 
and me as the queen 
Is the hope of at the end of the day 

And hubby that can hardly wait to go to work again!

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
There's sweat as I toss and turn, 
all night as I yearn, 
For a good night's sleep as I crash. 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause; 
Soon the bitch will come, 
And the thing that will make her smile is the prescription on the vial 
As her mind goes numb....