I was on Instagram before Instagram was KEWL!

My children are starting to foray into social media.  Explaining to me that Instagram is the way to go, Facebook is for "old people."

I even had one of their friends say, "I deleted my Facebook account when my MOM tried to friend me!"

No, not a butt shot but Instagram worth, don't you think?

Oh my God, your Mom is on Facebook?  She really has a life she wants to share with the world? Oh wait, she's just a Mom, that person that takes care of you, not a real person.

Oh please, I've been on Instagram since, well, almost before you were born.  I was already on before Instagram was COOL or as the kids say KEWL!  How did I learn about this social media site before everyone else?  Unknowingly!

You see I had a rash on well, um, a place that is vampire white due to lack of sun.  And I couldn't see it in the mirror no matter which way I turned.  So I had a great idea, I'd take a picture of it with my phone, then save it so I can compare in a week after using a certain medicated cream.  Easy peasy, right?

I took the picture, examined it with my glasses on, turned the phone different ways, figuring it wasn't as bad as I thought and saved the picture.

Then my phone told me I had a new comment on my picture.  A new comment?  On what picture?

I clicked on the notification, and three of my friends had already commented on my rash picture that was saved automatically to Instagram.

"Ewwww!"

"Did you go see the dermatologist?"

"WTH?

Luckily, I only had 6 friends on Instagram, and they were good friends.  I was able to delete the picture, keeping them as friends.  One showed me the "do not automatically share" button on my phone, and voila!  My Instagram account, that I didn't know I had, was created, already linked to Facebook and Twitter.  Wow, this internet thing sure is easy.

So I got into Instagram before everyone else thought it was cool.  And I made my profile private making sure if I accidentally post another picture of my Bum, it's to my friends only.  And now with the children getting into it, it is all about the likes.  How many likes your picture got.

"Mom, you only got 14 likes on your picture.  You need more friends."

Well, my likes are "real" likes, they are people I actually know.  And I have enough drama in my life, I really don't need any more friends.  And really, who is defined by how many "likes" they received on their picture?

I wonder how many likes that first picture would get today?  

Let me go see if I can find it.

Not Your Mother's Book On Sex

You know you want it.

Come on.

It's not hard.

Just go for it.

You'll be glad you did.

It's about sex.

Everyone needs it.

Most want it.

Only a few Gotta have it.  (The book that is!  Get your mind out of the gutter!)

This is the book that is HARD to put down.

It will make you laugh.

It will make you sigh.

It will be very stimulating.

It is something you will not forget easily.

Sort of like sex.

Available on Amazon, pick up the book by clicking HERE

If you need another reason, I have an essay in it.  "Do you Vajazzle?"

How can I be too stupid to date?

I was researching a story I had on my mind and wondered how hard it was to sign up for the dating services.  No, I am 28 years happily married, it was RESEARCH!  I picked one of the biggest ones.

The first screen looked like a piece of paper that read:

Me, I figured it was just a welcome screen, so I clicked on the Let's Get Started Button.

This is what I got back:

And that, my friends is why I have been happily married for 28 years.  Maybe tomorrow I'll do a little more research and report what happens IF I get past the welcome screen.

THOSE Parents!

I've moved into into the "Parent of Older Children" status now that both of my boys have hit double digit status with one an actual TEENAGER!  I can sit and chuckle as I watch THOSE parents with the small children, remembering what they were going through.

The Organic Momma - "Oh we only do Organic Rainforest Chocolate.  I am sure those little eggs are delicious, but what does it do to the environment?"

The Helpful Neighbor - "We went ahead and walked your dog for you.  She looked like she needed to go out.  Here is her bag of poo, where would you like us to put it?"

The Stressed Mum - "Stephen is such a picky eater, we brought our own Easter Eggs for him.  George go hide the eggs while I cover his eyes.  I am sure the other children will not like the Gluten Free, Dye Free, Sugar Free Chocolate."

The Hoarder - "Looks like you have a few extra goodie bags left, I'll take a few for Carla's brother and 3 sisters, is that OK?"


The Hipster Mom, "Is that two bees doing it?  Do bees actually do it?"

Then there are the code words:

"Oh, I'm not sure those bolts will hold you."  Translation - You are either too old or too heavy to play on my swings.

"How fast does that motorbike go?" Translation - "Is that the liquor cycle I've heard about, the mopeds that go to the people who've lost their licenses?"

"She's a picky eater."  Translation - "Please don't offer her that extra large slice of Chocolate Heavenly Cake."

"Shhh, the baby's sleeping"  Translation - Time for everyone to go home.

"Why?"  from a child.  Translation - "But I want to do it anyway."

"Are you sure you want to do that?"  Translation - Trampolines for women over 40?  Not a good idea.

Funny, but I used to be every single one of these parents.  Thinking I knew it all about parenting and finding out quickly how little I do know.  Now, I just pray that something is sticking and the kids will turn out normal.

Seriously, how do you define normal?

WTF - How late nights cost you money...

My kids are working really hard to either put me in the insane asylum or the poor house - some days I feel like it is both.

When the oldest lost his first tooth, it couldn't have come at a worst time.  I was broke.  Broke in as I had no cash on me.  Forgot about the tooth fairy until 5am the next morning.  Was thinking I could just write him a check from the tooth fairy but then how could I black out my name and address.  Figured he would have to be dissapointed but sweet hubby found a twenty dollar bill in his wallet.

My son as he got on the bus, "My tooth fairy is ultra cool, she leaves 20 dollar bills!"

So do the math, both kids loose 26 teeth at 20 bucks a pop.  Yeah, I have a home equity line for that one.

The Secret Stash

My son has a false book.  He took one of my books (thank goodness not a favorite) and hollowed out the inside creating his "secret stash."  Now as Moms know, when we need cash we can sniff it out of anywhere in the house.

We've checked for freshly laundered money in the dryer.
We've hit all the pockets of all the jackets in the home.

Nothing.

So I sniff out his secret stash and pull out a twenty to send in with the other child to cover his Field Trip that day.  Knowing that I will return the money later that day.

He comes home from school, "Let me go and check my stash!"
Me.  "NOOOO!   Um, not yet."


It's late, I'm tired, so I pull the cash back out of my wallet and stuff it back in the stash.  There, now he can check it.

The next morning, my son, "Holy cow!"
Me, "What?"
"Look!  I have 60 dollars in my stash!  Do you think the leprechaun left money this time?  Because I haven't lost a tooth and there's two extra 20 dollars in there?"
I sigh, "Yeah baby, I'm sure it was the leprechaun."

WTF Note to Self:  It is not a good idea to do anything late at night or first thing in the morning.  Late at night, you can blame that glass of wine in your brain, first thing in the morning, you just blame yourself.

So don't:
Count money
Text anyone, I repeat text anyone.
Write Facebook Posts
Count money again.
Say what is really on your mind.
Hit the fridge -- I mean, really?  Then why is there a light in it.

There.

Go do something productive late at night - like dig a hole in your neighbor's backyard about the size of a body then fill it back in.

You're welcome.

It's a Given - Children Edition

Here's a top 10 list of "It's a Given" when it comes to my children:

It's a given that when one of them decides to toot, strangely enough the other is somewhere close enough to grab and sit on.

It is a given that there are 4 really comfortable chairs in my living room.  But there will be one that they will have a WWE smack down on who sits in the chair first.

It is a given that when an argument breaks out between my boys it will always travel to right behind my chair in my office.

It is a given that both will ask me a constant barrage of questions when I am trying to type out a VERY IMPORTANT email.

It is a given that the little will get a wild hair and punch his brother then run.  15 minutes of screaming until I have to throw cold water on them getting them apart.

It is a given that I must be the only person in this house that actually sees dog crap.

It is a given that our house is highly organized, everything is "called for" or "seat checked."

It is a given that I will never have matching socks, therefore I have trained my kids that it is cool to have unmatched socks.

It is a given that my children believe it is better to leave kitchen cabinets open, that way you can ALWAYS see everything in them.

It is a given that they will sit quietly playing on their video games UNTIL that important call from my boss comes in!

They are currently arguing over who has a bigger brain.  I think I'll just leave that one alone because I WIN!

What are some "It's A Given" for you children?

WTF - Brookstone how could you?

No, that is not a bullet you see but the Buzz Pinpoint Mini Personal Massager from Brookstone.

Is it just me or do you see a mini dildo too?  And is their advertisement saying it is?

From the Brookstone Catalog:

They say you can use this to target TIGHT muscles?  Uh huh.

It is a PERSONAL massager with DEEP, SOOTHING Vibration- oh yeah.

Anytime you need it and fits in a


Briefcase - "why did Carly just lock her office door?"

purse - "Honey, that's not lipstick, I don't think you want to touch that."

gym bag - "Harold your gym bag is vibrating?  What? It's a massager?  Why do you have that in men's locker room?"

And then of course for our busy generation - it's a ONE button tool, so you only need to use one hand - perfect for mothers who are using the other hand holding the bathroom door shut.

There is a disclaimer that you should not use the massager if you are pregnant - shouldn't they clarify it is the perfect Christmas gift for Dad if Mom is pregnant?

Or on a pacemaker - would it cause your blood flow to change pulling too much away from your heart?

So if you are thinking of the perfect gift - think about the mini massager, better yet slip it into their stocking and let them explain to the children exactly what it is.

At least Brookstone believes in modesty.  Batteries are not included so they can put it out on display in the store and not have anyone use it.

Run do not walk to your mini massager, me?  I'm looking at the blue one - that way I remember which is my lipstick tubes and which is my, well, happy piece.

Oh and yes, he has the Victoria's Secret Catalog and now I have the Brookstone catalog.

Thank you Brookstone.

WTF - What the Friday...Passwords

I did not realize that terrorists were threatening our electric power bill payment system, because it's harder to pay my electric bill than it is to sign into my checking account.



Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must change your password every 3 months."
Me:  "Why, I'll never remember it.  OK let me us the other one I always use."
Computer:  "I'm sorry, you must use a password that include an anagram of the word 'DUKE POWER' atleast three numbers AND one capital letter."
Me:  "OK, here ya go."

Three days later, I receive a notice that I need to pay my electric bill.  Didn't I pay that earlier?

Computer:  "I'm sorry, you changed your password two days ago, please enter new one."
Me:  "Hmm, which account is this, what did I use?"
Computer:  "Would you like a security question?"
Me:  "Yes, ask me a question then let me in to pay my bill."
Computer, "Your security question is, you changed your password two days ago, do you remember what it is?"
Me: "No, that's why I am trying the security question."
COmputer: "Passwords include anagrams of DUKE POWER three numbers and one uppercase letter, now do you remember your password?"
ME: "WTH?"

Put on my thinking cap,
ME:  "Is my password PestKUDE11K0?"
Computer:  "Nope but that's a pretty good password."

Me, thinking maybe I was drinking wine when I changed the password because that changes the possibilities.

ME:  "Is my password Ih8teDUKEp0w3r?"
Computer:  "No, that is not your password, you changed it three days ago?"
ME:  "Is my password DUKEPOWERSUX99TIMES?"

Computer:  "That's not funny, you have been locked out of the system please call our 800 number to reset your password and pay your bill.

Me, dialing 1-800-H8T-DUKE

DUKE POWER:  "Welcome to Duke Power please enter your password using your phone keypad to continue."

Somewhere, some terrorist is sitting at a computer laughed, "Darryl, we will take over the world one electric company bill at a time!  Soon everyone will have NO POWER!  BUWAHAHAHA!"

You know you're a Mom.....

Do any of these ring true to you?


You know you're a Mom, when you finally sit on the toilet at 6pm and wondering, "have I gone to the bathroom yet today?"

You know you're a Mom when you can answer this question:
"How much is a Twix Bar?"
Me:  "Around 79 cents."
"How much if everyone in the world including the people in the Space Station bought a Twix Bar?"
Me: "5 billion 9 hundred thousand seven hundred twenty."

Sure it's not right, but who would know and what do my kids think I am - Google?

You know you're a Mom when you think coffee is supposed to be cold and its only purpose is to keep you awake in the carpool line.

You know you're a Mom when everything you own is stained, according to the age of your children:
throw up, crap, cooking class, arts and crafts, crap, throw up.

You know you're a Mom when it is not surprising to pull an ear plug (just one), a ketchup and duck sauce package, anti fungal cream AND hot pink lip gloss out of your purse.

You know you're a Mom when it is legal to launder money and keep it.

You know you're a Mom when you purposely change the time on your computer so no one knows you're really finally getting to and sending those emails at 347am.

You know you're a Mom when you've learned that there is always time to stop if a child has to pee.

You know you're a Mom when your TaDa list includes meals for 2 boys and their 6 friends, relearning (thank you Google) how to multiply fractions, finish a Ninja Turtle Costume (thank you duct tape) AND no one realizes you are sitting in your room with a romance novel and glass of wine.

You know you're a Mom when the BEST part of your day was not:
The perfect hairdo
The healthy meal
The satisfactory report card
Someone actually flushing the toilet

It is that split second when one of your minions runs up to you and give you a quick hug saying, "Love you."

And you didn't pay them to do it because relatives were visiting.

Who Needs A Superhero When You Have MOM!

My kids are moving past their wearing the capes to church stage, but every once in a while they ask me what superhero I'd like to be.

I usually say Wonder Woman but

Then a thought came to me:

I am MOM, I am already superhero.

I have xray vision - I can detect a child wearing the same pair of underwear for 7 straight days with just a look.

My vision can find the lost remote stuck between the cushions of the couch, or better yet, when someone puts it in their pocket and it is found BEFORE it hits the laundry machine.

Superbreath - I can take out a group of boys with just garlic bread and pickles - don't tempt me.

Firebreath - I can breathe fire - especially when kids are not ready for school....and yes, it sometimes is real fire.

Wonder Woman had the lasso of Truth - why have a lasso when I have the look of truth.  All I need to do is look at my children a specific way and they immediately spit out the truth, "OK, I know it was wrong.  I was looking at the flaming red stick of wood and wondered what it would feel like, so I put it on my brother's back."

I have Superstrength - yes, you would be amazed at what I can do to get a moldy towel off of a kids bedroom floor.

Able to leap small objects in a single bound, especially if I am stepping on a lego.  I can jump skateboards, and piles of clothes, including a clingy dog to get to the overflowing pot on the stove.

I have an enhanced sense of smell - I can smell a moldy lunch box in the back of my car before it becomes Hazmat.  I can sense whether or not a pair of socks are on their second, or fourth, or sixth rotation.  I can smell test anything coming out of the fridge, especially those that are a day or week past their expiration date (honey, it smells fine!)

I have the Mom Mobile - I can get a kid to school on time even if it means skidding into the carpool line on one wheel with happy Meal toys falling out of the door as he opens it.  Better yet, I have an invisible jet - no one sees me pull in front of the school, push a kid out and keep going - I am that fast.

I have invisibility - I am that nagging voice in my child's head when he thinks about possibly doing something wrong - and oh yes, I nag.

I have Superspeed - you'd be surprised how fast I can run down the neighborhood when someone lets the dog out.

I have a uniform - it has coffee spilled on the front of it, someone's boogers down the leg of the pants, a line of mud from putting bikes into the car, AND something unrecognizable from an exploding lunch box in the back seat of the car.

I have a sidekick - yeah, it's Daddy, and he makes all the jokes of our comic strip.

WTF - What The Friday - Mr. Milker?

Working for a magazine means a lot of email, with many offering me FREE samples to try their AMAZING product.  Imagine my surprise when an email offering Mr. Milker hit my inbox, along with an offer of a free sample.

Mr. Milker - the amazing invention that allows Dads to breast feed their babies the same way Moms do.

OK, this caught my attention.

Breast Envy is a quiet condition that men endure with lasting psychological effects.  Did you know that fathers are quietly enduring not being able to breast feed their children like the mothers."

Well nobody clued me in on this one.  Did my husband really want the experience of breast feeding?  I still remember it vividly, I can tell him all about it.

"Your boobs all of a sudden feel like they are going to explode.  Mine looked like two over inflated footballs.  The poor little baby, who's head is smaller than the huge boob coming their way is hungry, and trying to feed is like trying to find a tic tac on a football.  My husband followed me with the screaming baby reading passages of the 'Breastfeeding Freedom' book someone gave me.  When we went back to the nipple nazi at the hospital the next day she said, 'it's easy' grabbed my football in her hand grabbed the baby's head and pushed the two together.  You then get to go through the chaffing of your nipples due to over use (and not in a good way) where every time the baby cries you bite the strap of leather and breastfeed.  Oh yeah, we bonded, I think, somewhere during this."

When I researching the Mr. Milker I came across websites that give instruction for men with "man boobs" to breast feed their children if they want to.  I'm just leaving that one there.  Ok, maybe not, if I ever go into Walmart and see a man with "man boobs" breast feeding a child, I'm thinking the zombie apocalypse is not far behind.


There are some advantages to the Mr. Milker, Daddy breast feeder can take the 430am shift, and you can possibly even take a vacation.

So if you want the breast feeding experience with the Mr. Milker, here's a few alternative ideas to use it beyond the infant years.

"I put soda in mine and the KIDS loved it.  Would love to get a three feeder version, would cut down on the kids fighting."  OK, how old are these kids and who's breast feeding soda from Dad?

"We don't have any children, but my husband got one and tried it with our Chihuahua pup who lost her mother.  She gained 6 ounces in a week!"  So was he laying down on the dog bed wearing it?

So there really isn't an experience with your children denied to you Daddy, get the Mr. Milker and experience the beauty of breastfeeding your babies, just don't forget to clean the diapers afterwards.

What would you use the Mr. Milker for?

http://greatinventions.tv/home/product/mr-milker-male-breastfeeding/

Oh YOU Technology Gods!

I think that human beings would be so much more productive if technology actually worked for us.  There is a direct correlation to whether or not technology will work for you and how bad you need the finished product.

I just want to print out my son's homework.

My printer this morning is throwing a temper tantrum, "Oh you really need to print that document?  Well, I'm sorry, I don't feel well today."  It is currently regurgitating some type of code in magenta - a sign that it may have the flu.

I could lose the next hour of my life trying to figure out what is wrong:

Let's turn it off and back on - waiting the 15 minutes for it to start up and say, "Nope."

I could uninstall the driver from my computer, and reinstall - 45 minutes later the printer saying, "Nice try."

I do what I usually do, I tell him, "Well, I'm not going to get this document to print, email it to your teacher with an explanation."

My internet says, "Oh yea?  I've been talking to the printer and we think you suck so we're both going on strike."

It takes 15 minutes from rebooting everything to check to see if it works - not to mention, I've got to crawl behind the desk into my spiderweb project to find the plug to the router and be able to unplug it.  At which time the plug falls farther behind the desk and I have to stick my hand behind a bookcase to find it - I will not tell you what else I found.

I take the document, save it to a USB hand it to the kid, "Find a printer at school.  I'll have it working when you get home."

So I do what I normally do, "I'm going for a run, this stinks."  I fill a water bottle, forget it on the sink, go out my front door, hit the automatic lock and it closes with a "life is hard and I am tired" slow crawl.  Realizing I forgot my water bottle, I try hitting the codes and the lock does nothing.

I'm locked out.

Rather than looking like Rumplestiltskin in the front yard, Plan C, I'll just go for the run anyway.  When I come back my lock is saying, "Oh you thought you could get away from me - the printer told me to hold out for better working conditions and the router agrees."

Plan D - I'll try the back door, someone had to let the dog out, right.  The dog is at the bag door looking at me like, "Why are you here, don't you know I have to go outside?"  She pees in fear as I try the back door handle and scream because it is locked and obviously no on LET the dog out.



Plan E - I get to crawl through my old dog door (I once had very big dogs) into the spiderweb infested basement, through the dirt and up through the basement.  Halloween horror stories you have nothing on my real life as the big red spiders say, "Oh look, that spiderweb wrecker is coming through here - dive bomb her!"

I make it back into my home and stop for a minute.

I've got spiderwebs in my hair.

I itch all over because I am afraid a spider is still crawling somewhere.

My printer and my router are still in conspiracy to wreck my day.

I look over to the bottle of wine but change my mind.

Shower, attitude adjustment and get on with your life.

Take that technology gods, you thought you could ruin my day?

Wait, why isn't my phone turning on?   Did you talk to the printer and the router?

Can I please go back to the days when you had to get up and walk to the TV to change the channels?  Technology is supposed to make things easier but getting it to work is an endurance test.

What do you think?

ANOTHER Black Hole

In my family, we have these places called Black Holes - where you enter said establishment, and a while later finally stumble out with a shopping cart full of shit wondering how that huge dent got into your wallet?

I found another one today - Michaels Craft Store.

My sons asked for a Rainbow Loom - yes, they have jumped on that bandwagon as it sped by and want to make bracelets out of what looks like braces rubber bands for their friends.  That my friend, is a whole new blog post.  They wanted this Rainbow Loom - 16.99 and exclusively at Michaels.

I noticed a different smell as I entered the store - was that?  Pumpkin Spice?  Immediately I am confronted by the display of Pumpkin Spice Candles, Pumpkin Spice Wax Melts, Pumpkin Spice Car fresheners - well, it's that the smell of the season?  I add a few to my cart.

The Rainbow Looms are hidden behind the How to Use The Rainbow Loom books, the unique storage case for your Rainbow Loom and tools AND the new sets of BLING to add to the bracelets as you create them.  Who am I to not boost the creativity of my children as I add a few bags of braces rubberbands, some bling - then tell myself I am being frugal because I am NOT buying them the unique carrying case----they can use the unique Silly Band carrying case they still have from the silly band phase.

In order to exit the store, you must walk down one aisle, up another past all the wonderful sights and smells of Michaels.

I added some blue and gold silk cloth with different color jewels for a project I have in my mind.

I thought, "How wonderful if I buy these 200 packs of blank cards and envelopes, then this wonderful celtic shamrock stamp to create my own line of stationary for all the handwritten notes I plan to write?"

"Oh, and who can pass up the LIVE, LOVE, LAUGHTER stamp to go with it because isn't that my motto?  And, I must add the ink pads for the stamps, and LOOK, here's a professional set of pens - what writer can live without THAT?"

I feel a tickle in my throat and pick up a bag of cough drops as I stand in line for the cashier then a bottle of water because shopping can just wear you out.

My 16.99 dollar loom cost me 78.94 in the long run.

Problem is....

When am I going to find the time to great the unique gold and blue thingy I have in my head.  And seriously, am I really going to make and stamp my own cards when I send only emails now?

And did I look or did it say in big letters that the loom came with bands?  What are we going to do with 4200 bands when neither boy has braces yet?

I think that Pumpkin Spice smell in Michaels was laced with LSD causing all of us women in there to walk around like zombies throwing as much shit as we can into our carts.

Yup, a black hole that grabs your wallet, holds you hostage for a few days then dumps you with a cart full of crap you eventually hide in your hoarder closet because you feel guilty you didn't create that beautiful card.

Don't hold your breath if you waiting on a LIVE, LOVE LAUGHTER stamped card from me.

Ten Secrets to a Happy Marriage - Husband/Wife Edition

Today I celebrate 26 years with a great man who loves me, puts up with all of my crap AND still smiles at me every morning.  How do we do it?  Easy.....



For the Husband:

1.  Don't worry about your socks matching, especially as she gets on in years and can't even see them as she matches them, no one looks at your socks anyway.

2.  The bra hanging on the door knob - she's just reminding you that she's still got it - don't mention it needs a little more underwire than the youthful days.

3.  Dinner is anyway you see it - that burnt food after 26 years - it's just extra flavoring.

4.  There is no perfect way to parent a child - and sometimes duct tape can help you have a casual conversation with your wife.

5.  Say I love you every single day, especially when she asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?"

For the Wife:

1.  No, you do not look fat in those jeans, and he knows any way he tries to say it will not come out right, just accept the "I love you" and smile.

2.  Great motto for life - always keep your fights on the clean side, and what you do in the bedroom on the dirty side.

3.  He still wants you after watching you give birth, gain then shed 50 lbs AND when you color your hair - you got a good one.

4.  Pick you arguments, the ones that don't matter just smile sweetly and keep what you are saying in your head, in your head.

5.  Starting off and then doing the work to stay friends.  You can tell your friend anything, but if they are married to you you can tell them anything AND they still love you anyway!

Happy Anniversary to my best friend, someone I've been with longer than I've been alone - and that's a good thing.  A lot of people call marriage a work of art - ours will be a masterpiece.

Hello Menopause, my Old Friend

I'm getting old.

Yes, I have fought it every step of the way, but somehow it caught up with me.

I am getting old.

How do I know?

I am having hot flashes.  

Those feelings I used to welcome when watching Vin Diesel in the Fast and Furious movies but now they come at the wrong time.

When someone wants to give me a hug.

When I have put on that cute dress that just seems to not only soak up the water my body produces but places it in the most inappropriate places, like looking like I've peed myself.

I'm having mood swings.

My husband will say, "Good morning sweetie," and I hear, "Hey lardass how many Reese Cups did you eat last night?"  I know it is not right, but something inside makes me react to that.

Then my kids will do what they normally do - not brush their teeth for 6 days, or take their shoes off in the car when the windows are up or spend the afternoon annoying each other, normally I can ignore this, but all of a sudden I want to become Jason Vorhees and take out a chainsaw  and make they feel sorry they said "STOP" for the 1032th time.

I have a teenage face.

I wish it was the lack of wrinkles, or how nice and tight my skin is, it unfortunately is my skin has decided to errupt with craters bigger than Mt. St. Helenes, and off course mine are not the "I don't see anything zits," they are the "Wow, how many times have you picked at that one," zits.

I have a muffin top.

Is there nothing I can do for this extra layer of fat around my waist?  I am cutting my calories, my only carb is a single crouton once a week.  Some of my sisters nod knowingly with the "Oh, yeah, we tried that too" face but they let me do my pilates, my crunches, my burpees and see the same, "When's the baby due" stomach.

Now if I could take care of the liquid carbohydrates, well, then I'd be back at the beginning of this list and in a much worse mood.

I can't sleep.

Sure I worry about my kids, my job, my mortgages, my muffin top.  When I was younger, I'd wake up thinking, "Was that an axe murderer I heard in the house?"  Now, I wake up thinking, "Was that the dog barfing I heard?"  I can fall back to sleep only to wake up again thinking, "Did I actually post that after two glasses of wine?  or When did I pay the electric bill?"  These mean, just get up because you'll be obsessing about it anyway.

I'm become unsure.

I don't know which mood I hate more - the I want to kill everyone or the I am sliding into the pool of old age mood.  One at least gives me energy, the other just makes me sigh.  But then I look at Sophia Loren and Susan Sarandon and Meryl Streep and I just.....well, sigh.  Maybe the liquid bread is the problem.

I have memory loss.

I forget why I walked into a room.  I forget that my glasses are sitting on my head.  I forget that I schedule a facebook post and then like it because I think it is cool.  I write whole short stories and forget them until I read them a few days later.

I forget where I put my keys, I forget if I washed a pile of laundry until I smell it and as I fall to my knees remember this was on going INTO the washer.  I forget all the reminders school sends home, then forget re-reminders.  Yes, I am that parent begging, "I know it is a week late, but please let me turn in this fundraiser, sure it's a bunch of orders but it's really all my own money but he really wants to do the pig races this year!"

Luckily I know who I am and where I am going - and I do not need GPS to tell me so.  The best part about age is the wisdom that comes with it, so forget all the crappy stuff that comes along and embrace the new and improved you!

What are some of your menopause symptoms?

WTF - What the Friday - Twerking

In case you have lived under a rock the past two weeks, everyone's been twerking everything they own to twerk.  So as a regular Friday installment, WTF or What The Friday wants to explore twerking.

Twerk - a dance club move, where a a person, usually a woman (oh really?) shakes her hips in an up and down motion causing her buttocks to wiggle (or wobble) or jiggle, or roll dependant upon the size of the booty.

There is no evidence of the origination of the word Twerk, some say it comes from the word "footwork" though I am at a loss of where the foot has anything to do with this - I think it is the booty. 

Another origin is the combination of the words "twist" and "jerk."  This makes sense because the word jerk does seem to go with this move.

To me, twerking has been around for a very long time, it just had a different name.  I have always known it as the "hoe dancing" or the "skankbug" or the "bootybop" because usually the ones twerking at any club I've ever been to had another one of the above names attached to them.

I searched the web for twerking and thought I would share some twerkers with you:

On a twerk forum: "Why is twerkin so easy for sum girls?  I wanna kno becus I want to be on the Twerk Team."

Twerk Team?  Do I really want to know?

Oh, and here's an answer (honest to God) "hahahaha i wil give you a good answer :] matter of fact i went to a twerk bash :D so basicall you ben over not al the waya bout half way arch your back hands ony your knee/thighs and move your knees up and down and pop your back or freestyla"

Yes, we can tell that very intelligent people are using the Twerk to further their education because putting on your college application that you were a standing member of the Twerk Team is a real plus.

Which brings me to ask these important questions?

Do you do the dance because it makes you use your Keugel Muscles?  Because if that's the case, then, I've got a lot of twerking to move.

When you shake your buttocks in an up and down motion, it is hard to stay standing?

And if you have a thong on and are twerking, do you apply vaseline to the string so you don't start a fire back there?

Is Twerking good for you?  Besides the exercise part, does it increase your flexibility?

If you are wondering if twerking is right for you, for some it just doesn't work.  Case in point, this video shows that twerking can actually kill you.

Be careful out there my friends.

I'm going in....

We all have skeletons in our closet, I have actual skeletons in mine.  I decided today that I was embarking on a purge of all the skeletons, which meant hitting THOSE closets.  You know the ones:

The closet in the boys room that they "clean" their room in, meaning, when I ask them to clean their room, they throw everything in the closet and shut the door - there, it's clean.

The guest room closet - yes, I've stuffed that one.  My husband calls that my "hoarder" closet.  Psst, there is a crib in there, and my youngest is 9 years old - anyone want it.

The Big Momma - that's the one we've all been throwing shit in for years.  The boys are at the point that they are even afraid to open the door, because we are all sure that just like in the movies, everything will come crashing down on us.

So I'm in the boys room.  It already smells like feet.  I'm thinking, "Should I take a shot of tequila before I open that door?  Or just put the Vapor Rub under the nose like the episode of Silence of the Lambs.  Either way, my mind is made up.

"Honey, I'm going in," I say to my husband who stands there with a large black trashbag as his hazmat suit.

Here's how to effectively clean out a kids closet room:

Start with the clothes.  Marvel at the 6month onezies you find in the back right corner, even if it looks like they have moldy pee on them.  Sort by size.  Get mad at the nice big pile of clothes your children grew out of because they were hidden in the closet.  Think about doing the smell test on what is left, then deciding it's just easier and better for your health if you just wash the huge pile.

Pull all the toys out.  Smile and remember fondly the zillions of happy meal toys you find in the closet.  Wonder how much money you've spent on Happy Meals as you notice you have several Shreks and way too many Fionas.  Put all toys in a huge trash bag that you go and hide in the guest room closet because if your husband sees all the toys you will get the lecture about spending too much money on fast food that is unhealthy.

That leaves the crap on the floor.  Pieces of toys, several pieces of petrified apple, a glass with a very questionable colored ring and of course the moldy dog poop.  Sweep this into the trash and immediately take to the trash can, the long line of ants will promptly fall you our the door and into the trash can.

Now the closet looks beautiful and I feel accomplished.  Stand wondering how long it will actually stay that way, then send sweet hubby to go and buy a lock so you can lock it closed every cleaning day.

Oh, did I tell you I found a skeleton?

Yep, an small frog skeleton that must have perished due to lack of nutrition in the astonishingly intact french fries.  We'll make stories about him and the freeze dried Alligator Head, but that's for another time.

What skeletons would you clean out of your closets, or do you have THOSE closets?

Do you have boys? Are you prepared?

I have two boys, those that live close to me already know that from the smells that come out of my home to the noise level at all times of the day.   Those cute little minions smelling of baby powder and running around your home are going to turn into tweens then teens!  Just to prepare you, I've created a list.

They believe in the natural smell of the human body and this prompts them to take off their shoes and celebrate in any place this natural occurrence.  The shoes come off with a silent snicker until I almost crash the car when the smell hits me.  I've been know to beg them to stick their feet out the window to keep the inside of my car from melting.




If they love the smell of their feet, they love the smell of their farts even better.  My boys love to share, they will wrestle one down and sit on him while holding that beautiful odor until the perfect moment.  The screaming coming out of my home is the rapture from the younger brother at this ceremony of his older brother.

Get used to the smell the breath game.  They will come up with every way of getting out of brushing their teeth, sometimes the yellow fuzz will give it away but most times you have to smell their breath.  Make sure you are sitting down while doing this, falling down hurts.

They detest detergent, they feel that clothing washed in detergent and smelling clean is not natural.  They will hide their clothes under the bed, in the closet, even wrapped up in their blankets.  The sign of a wrinkled shirt means the ride to school is happening with the windows down - rain or shine.

Dirt is their friend - it keeps you healthy to be exposed regularly to dirt they explain.  What they track in the home is just their way to keep the family healthy.

They can multitask.  A wet moldy towel on the floor can double as a mop.  If they spill their drink during the night, they can just move the towel over the puddle and wait for it to cement to the floor.  The polish can comes up with the towel was simply not supposed to be there.

Who needs soap when you have water?  Just the process of getting wet makes them feel clean, and the loss of smell that accompanies the onset of hormones means everyone except them needs to hold their nose.

Why does the dog pee in our bedroom?  Because it smells like a toilet.   Oh and throwing the wet moldy towel over does not constitute as covering it up.

If I tell you something is going to hurt, then don't try it on your brother.  Because it will hurt.  And then it will hurt you.

So here's the list I have compiled so far, as a mother just remember a few stinky hugs are better than no hugs at all.

What would you add to this list of boys?