WTF - Dog vs. Children

There are some mornings I actually like my dog more than my kids, not this morning - the kids won. Then I realized my kids and dog have a lot in common:

They are alike in that:

They lie around a lot, in the same position. Then they get up, stretch and lie down in a new position.

They leave shit on the floor, expecting me to clean it up.


They eat anything that comes out of a can.

They sleep a lot. I mean A LOT!

They depend on me to take them anywhere.

They are not in common when:

My dog is happy to see me, my teenager - not so much. Especially when I am early to carpool and he's talking to a girl.

My dog eats the same thing every day and doesn't complain. 

My dog listens to me the first time, wait a minute, scratch that neither listen to me.

My dog doesn't whine, my kids are masters at it.

My dog can be bribed to do anything with small amounts of food.

Then my kids win:

I still have to periodically clean shit off my dog's butt, thank god my children grew out of this.

I've never had to chase my child down the street whistling.

I've never had to cut cockleburs out of a child's hair while holding them down.

My children know that skunks spray.

My kids don't lick their butt.

My dog still takes a dump on the floor.

My kids don't eat dead stuff then come inside and puke it on the only carpeted place in the house.

My kids are easier to bathe.

I guess I've lived both worlds, having the kids, then as they demanded, getting the dog. Honestly I wouldn't live without either one.

Oh, there's a mess I need to clean up.

WTF - Keeping It Real and Keeping It Safe

Some mornings you just have to love your Facebook feed, two stories completely related right next to each other!



The First was this story about a woman asking firemen to remove a chastity belt.  Why am I talking about this story?  Here's some of the details:

One story said she was 60 years old and wore the belt to stay pure.  Honey, you are sixty, is staying pure so high on the list? Could leather and steel really be comfortable for that long?

Then it said, she walked into the station wearing the belt. With anything else?  What were the firemen thinking when she said, "I need help breaking the lock on my Chastity belt."

Why did she need help breaking the lock?  Well, she lost the key.  Wow, there are lyrics to a good Country Music song in there, but then think about it - she was sixty. I've been losing my phone since my early teens? A tiny Chastity belt key?

Of course I did search whether or not these things were still for real, and in case you need one, well, here ya go!  CLICK HERE.  I may be a little worried about the one review mentioning the key broke the first time they tried it in the lock. At least the fire station is only 5 minutes away.

Upon my search, chastity belts run from 6.59 to over 400 dollars. I can see a younger version of me, say, like 59 years old saying, "Honey, I'm sorry. I have a chastity belt on, but don't worry, I bought the cheap one only 6.59!"

Of course perhaps I could use the belt, "Honey, you said you would fix the drain on the sink in the bathroom, well, I lost my key down there."

***

Then I scroll down to the product I'll actually use.  This lock doesn't have a key, it has an APP!  Controlled by your phone, who needs keeping up with a key.

Who am I kidding, I think my chastity went by the way of the dinosaur legions ago.

Then I think, I really could use this product. 

Easy locking.
Controlled by a phone app so no lost keys, I only lose my phone occasionally
Keeps everything safe
Lifetime guarantee!!!

The App is designed for you to set a goal before you reward yourself, you could could set a goal of cleaning house for 1 hour, or maybe putting in 10,000 steps, or maybe finishing that book!

You know you want it too!  Click here for this amazing product!

Yes, the smart cookie jar!  Tuck away the cookies, the candy (Not the chastity belt candy) the TV remote, the KY, the gaming controller until you app tells you the coast is clear.

At least we don't have to get the fire department involved with this one.

Unless they have a sweet tooth like me.

WTF - How to piss off your children edition

Don't get me wrong I love my children. But yesterday I played race car driver up and down Beech Mountain, so many times the police stopped me in front of Jackalopes asking if I was casing the joint!  Forgotten backpacks, forgotten homework, forgotten lunch boxes. I figured it was time for me to get back at them.  Here's some of my devious plans!!

Hide their chargers. Make sure you hide yours because you know they'll steal it.

Throw their clean clothes on the bed with their dirty clothes.  Never mind, they won't know the difference.  Take their favorite pair of jeans and hide them.

Make comments on all their Instagram photos. Something like, "Honey, you don't look as husky in that Throw Back Picture. Put up the one in the Husky Jeans!"

Ask them in front of their friends, "What's that song by New Direction you like?"

Tell them you left very important instructions on the counter at home.  Write them in cursive.

Screw up their language, "Wow, this lasagna is sick! Oh my God, your Dad was KILLIN IT with his bean recipe!"

Pick them up from school wearing their favorite beanie. ('cause we all know you can't fit in their jeans)

If they forget something, walk into the school in your Christmas PJs and braless sweatshirt, then wait for them!  When they act like they don't know you, wave and yell, "Sweetie!  I have your backpack!" (Guarantee they will NEVER forget it again!)

Call your son, "DUDE!"

Purposely mess up the names of their tricks, "Was that a 196 with a 327 back flip on the side bar?"  Or "Are you going to try the Beef Stroganoff with a Side of Gravy today?"

Purposely put baby food in their school lunch, things like Lunchables, tube apple sauce, Go Gurts and of course their favorite Jello pudding!  Don't forget to add the Fruitables box juice!  Better yet, put in your Prune Juice Smoothie with a note, "This will help make you regular sweetie!"

Change their ring tone to Back In Time by Pitbull or "Hopelessly Devoted by Olivia Newton John.

Send your picture to their Snapchat story. (Yeah kids, we parents know about Snapchat, we are hip!)

Turn your radio up and sing Open Arms by Journey as loud as you can as you pull up in the Carpool line.

And the best way to piss off your kids?

Tell them you signed up to chaperone the school dance

 or better yet.....

Smile and say, "Honey, we get to spend ALL DAY together! I signed up the chaperone your school field trip! Isn't that great?"

Can't you feel the love from their death stares?  I can.

What would you add?

WTF - Date Night

Moving into the realm of dating. No, not for me but my boys are now noticing girls, which means, girlfriends, which means dating.

This is all new to me.  I mean I've been out of the dating world for over 30 years, I've honestly forgotten the dating things. Especially the "before you can drive" dating thing.

So I reach back to my memories, how my Mom would drive us to the movies and drop us there, or over to "Mickey D's" or waiting out in front of the roller skating rink while I waited for the "We're gonna slow things down so go ahead and pick a partner" songs to come on.  Remember the couples skates?

Ahhh, dating.

I start with picking up the girlfriend and they've chosen a movie, but the movie doesn't start for another hour. Do we stay in the car and stare at each other for an hour?

Enter your best standby in the world of parents.

The mall.

Perfect because they can walk around, I can sit in the food court, go hit the office supply store or better yet, Dicks Sporting Goods! Coming from a very small town, it is rare I can hit a Dick's Sporting Goods or a Target!

They disappear for an hour while I shop, sip on a coffee and peruse sports bras.

One thing I did forget when doing the mall thing, it could get expensive. Don't worry honey, it was all on SALE!

Next comes dropping them off at the movie theater. Make sure your movie theater is near the mall, because you don't want to kill two hours sitting in the car reading a book. Unfortunately the theater wasn't big enough for the three of us, and I couldn't find a romantic comedy at the same time. I got lucky and found the used book store. (We're gonna need a bigger book shelf)

After the movie comes dinner, again, make sure you are in a densely populated area if possible. That way I dropped them off at Olive Garden, crossed the street and hit Bonefish, my favorite restaurant. Of course I had my binoculars with me so I could stalk their dinner date.

So I sit at the bar, with my new books, a large plate of Saucy Shrimp and Ahi Tuna in front of me,  relaxing.

Until this dude decides this single lady at the bar looking pretty happy with her books and food must be looking for a date.

"Well hey there, what are you reading?" (Is that today's pickup lines?)

 I look at him, smiling, and in my best "Mom" voice, say,

"Seriously, I'm not out looking. I'm killing time while my son is on a date."

He looks at me as if I am crazy, then I guess using the words "son" and "date" scared the poor guy because he ended up three chairs down from me, intensely concentrating on his plate of food.

So if you are taking the kids out on a date, make sure it's a relaxing date for you as well. Hit the bookstore, walk the mall, read those books and by all means, include a nice meal.

What do you do to kill the time while your "not old enough to drive" kids are out on a date?

What Happens On The Chairlift, Stays on The Chairlift.

Here's an excerpt from my book Views From 5506 about what NOT to say in the chairlift. Thought I would share this part based on my experiences today!

"On one of my chairlift rides to the top, a very sweet old man jumped on the chair next to me, as we were riding up, looked at me with a wicked smile and said, “Is it windy today or are you just blowing me away?”

Ugh.

You may plan on coming to a ski resort and meeting the love of your life, I thought I’d share with you how to scare them away.

Stare at the person next to you without saying a word, the entire ride from the bottom to the top.

Ask if the guy next to you has eaten or needs money. The worn out, almost in tatters ski gear look is a local “ain’t nobody got time for matching” clothes, that’s usually the tourists."

***

I realized today that MAYBE I am getting a little older because my chairlift today conversation included:

"I think I broke my....."

"So really did those hormone pills work for you?  Did it tighten everything back up?"

"Yeah, I've found if you open the window the cold air at night keeps the hot flashes away."

"Swingers?  Who has the time or energy to be a Swinger?"

"I thought about cross country skiing, but man, that looks like way too much work!

"This year he ACTUALLY was up to kiss me on New Years Eve, those 5 Hour Energies really work!"

Maybe today I'll get back to skiing and talking about skiing, but I really wanted to get that recipe for Prune Juice Smoothie, and someone promised me they'd write down that doctor's name.

Thinking of a funny read?  How about Views From 5506?  

You can order it from Amazon HERE

WTF - Travel John? Day One Road Trip

Road Trip

There is nothing like having the time for a road trip, especially a by-way road trip.  This year we are traveling to Baltimore from Beaufort, NC and decided rather than suffering through the traffic of I-95, traveling down the shores of North Carolina, Virginia, Delaware and Maryland.  Hence, the by-way, the slow way, the family bonding way.

Our trip started with the ferry from Cedar Point to Ocracoke Island of North Carolina.  Did you know that Ocracoke got its name from Blackbeard?  Story goes that Blackbeard wanted to use Ocracoke as a hiding point for his booty (my boys laughed at that statement) and when he arrived ashore seeing only sand everywhere he yelled to the sky, “Oh Crow Cock”  Boys again enjoyed hearing their mother say “cock.”

The ferry was running late due to the Coast Guard not arriving on time to inspect the boat.

“Why do we have to sit here?”

“It’s getting hot.”

“Does anyone know what is going on?” 

The teenager complains.

Me?  I decide to take the younger, more open to traveling child and let him skimboard the beach while we wait.  There’s even a shower for rinsing off before boarding the ferry once it is ready to go. 

The ride from Cedar Point to Ocracoke is 2 hours.

“Why is it so long?”

“What am I going to do with no cell phone reception?”

“It’s hot in here.”

“Are there any snacks?”

The teenager complains.

Ocracoke is a small island completely taken over by tourists for the summer.  Most either riding golf carts or bicycles and not paying attention to anyone walking along the road.

“Hey, let’s rent a golf cart?”  I say.

“That’s be COOL!”  The youngest says.

“That’s stupid.” The teenager replies.

We decide to walk, or kids not paying attention to the golf carts and bicycles trying to run them down by the side of the road.

“Look at all these cool stores and buildings” I say.

“What are we eating for lunch?”  The teenager replies.

The youngest decides he needs zinc on his face.  The teenager looks at him with the orange all over his face then rolls his eyes.  Add in a Surf's Up bucket hat and the teenager tries pulling it off his head, throwing it out the window.  The youngest keeps the hat, staring at his brother making funny faces.

We have a nice lunch at the Jolly Roger Restaurant, then hop in the car for a drive to the Hatteras Ferry.  Which the boys enjoy calling “HatterASS.”

The ferry from Ocracoke to Hatteras is a quicker 30 minutes.  One idiot waiting for the ferry decides on feeding the seagulls.  Bad idea as the birds descend on their car, reminding me of a film by Hitchcock I watched a long time ago.

The drive through the Outer Banks was full of sights.  

 “Did you know that all the names are from Indians?  Maneo?”

“Why name it something you can’t say?”  The teenager replies.

I make the family stop at the different light houses.  “Did you know that the black and white design of the lighthouse is different with each one?”  I explain to the family as we pull into a second one.

“You’ve see one lighthouse, you’ve seen them all.”  The teenager replies, and decides to fall asleep.

The highlight of the drive for the youngest was not all the great sights, but the opportunity to use the Travel John portable urinal in the car.  We stopped so I could go to the bathroom and I swear he specifically waited until we pulled out announcing he had to go to the bathroom.

The hubby, exasperated said, “You’ll just have to use the “Travel John Portable Urinal” thinking it would horrify the youngest.

Instead he got excited!  “Really?  Can I?”

So we hand it back, he opens it reading the directions to us, “Open, press against the body or mouth for throw up. The Absorbabeads collect liquid in the collection pouch.”

He opens the bag, using it as the teenager opens his eyes.  The look on his face was priceless, “Ugggghhhh!”

Once done the youngest is amazed, “Look the absorbaBeads made it disappear!”

“Now what are you going to do with that?”  The teenager askes.

“Put it by you.”  The youngest replies.

There is a small fight in back seat of the car.

Nothing like solving the curiosity of a boy with a portable urinal.  Everyone puts me in charge of finding out “cheap, but nice hotel with a piping hot breakfast.”   My first website was the Midway Marina and Lodge, with a nice $80/night price tag and a restaurant called Crabbies next to it.  Located in Coinjock, everyone agrees it sounds nice, so we drive down a side road in search.  After passing through two trailer parks, we pull up on a dump everyone looking horrified when the guy walked out in a sweaty wife beater shirt and no shoes.  

“Dad, it’s a drug dealer, punch it!” the teenager says.

Finally in Virginia Beach, a 3.5 star hotel with a 2 star price!  Well, you get what you pay for, as Max sprays my essential oil around the room and the teenager says, “I thought tube televisions went by the way of the dinosaur.”

Before we go to sleep, the teenager opens his eyes, looks at his brother, "What did you do with that pee pouch?"

The youngest just laughs.

Another night in paradise.

Day two of the road trip, the teenager wakes up saying, “Why am I itching?”

“Maybe it’s bed bugs.” the youngest replies.

It’s gonna be a great day.

Another BIG tick on the odometer

I'm trying to decide if it sounds better to be "nifty" at 50 or fabulous at 50.  Nifty just sounds kind of dorky to me.

I now know the secret handshake, here's a few lessons learned on this ride:

Anything you really want to work, takes work.  Relationships, putting together that grill, to getting the story just right.  Roll up your sleeves and get to it, it's not getting done by itself.

Ask for help when you need it. Sometimes this can be humbling, but there are people wanting to help, letting go not only helps you but makes them feel good also.

Have a Partner in Crime.  Mine pulled a good one on me for my birthday, he's got so many "dude" points to my "chick" points.  I'm in the hole for a LONG time.

You are as old as you let yourself.  Seriously.  I don't feel my age.  Especially when I do something stupid and someone asks, "Are you 15?"

Admit your mistakes, then laugh about them.  Don't hold a grudge, it's a waste of time.

If you spend time being self conscious, you lose time having fun.  Go ahead and fart in that yoga class getting the pose right, sing that karaoke realizing you can't carry a tune, try that high dive out even if it gives you an enema when you land it wrong.

Use the AARP card.  It gets you discounts.  I'm heading over to McDonald's for my free Senior coffee.

Laughter is really the best medicine.  Try to do this every day.  Better yet, just laugh at yourself, that's the quickest and easiest way to accomplish this.

Having children is a hilarious, scary but unbelievable part of the journey.  Whether it is shaking my head, or trying not to kill them, or filling with pride, I'm so proud they are mine.

Share your journey.  I'm blessed with wide open friends and family, who don't say "Are you crazy" they simply say, "OK where do we start?"  Friends are like duct tape, they will either fix the problem, or tape its mouth shut.

I've now reached the age where wearing those "baby doll" flowing tops doesn't prompt someone asking if I am pregnant.  Comfort in clothing is now the key.

Everyone has cellulite, and if they don't then they are worrying about something else on their body.  Let it go.

The only space I can control in right around me.  Occupy that space.  Make it something special, crazy, and amazing.  It's the only space truly yours, work it hard.

Many thanks for all the birthday wishes, all my amazing family and friends that made the trip celebrating with me.  Here's to another fifty more.

I love you all.

OK, time to start planning.

Oh Groupon - You did it again!

Groupon!  Are you yanking my chain?

The advertisement describes the importance of a clean "undercarriage" I couldn't agree more.

Then a bunch of questions come to mind:

First of all, does this look like a Smurf Dick to you?

How vigorous do you wash your "undercarriage?"  Is this something you need to do several times a day?  Do you need a "deep down scrub job?"

It looks so soft, but I am sure if I touch it, it would be pretty hard right?

Do you hold this in your right hand or left hand?  Or whichever one is more comfortable?

Is it a gentle wash or does it require some control?

How often to you use this?  Can it do any harm to your undercarriage with overuse?

When exactly do you lube it?  Before or after?

Do I hold the protruding handle while I crank it?

Will it eventually turn a different color after use?  Or just stay blue?

Then of course, if you are planning on using the Bike Chain Wash and Scrub Kit often you may need this other Groupon buddy to protect those valuables.

The Banana Bunker.

Hurry!  Take advantage of this offer because it could sell out soon.  We all know of quite a few dirty chains that need a great scrub, then a good lube.

You can't write 52 shitty stories - Ruth's Story Same Damn Bar, Different Damn Time

The bar was unusually crowded for a Tuesday night.  Ruth sat at a table in the front window, her friend Tom next to her, her other friend Donna across from her.  Her level of excitement was contagious, the three looking at untouched drinks as their eyes scanned the bar.

“What’s crazy is you know he has to be here.  I mean, the time is counting down and you are here, then he has to be here.  You are so lucky you know the time, many others just wander through life waiting for it to happen.”  Donna was slightly jealous of her friend, Ruth.  Ruth had a gift not many women received in their lifetime, a gift of knowledge.  Her gift made some of her friends jealous but it scared many others.  Around her finger, was a ring, not a wedding ring, but a ring on the wedding finger of her other hand.  A small steel band, embedded on the finger, never removed since she was born.  On the ring was a digital clock, counting down to some momentous occasion, the hours on the clock now down to 0, the minutes showing 52, the seconds showing 36.

“How can you go through life knowing?”  Donna asked, looking closely at her finger.  “I mean it would be like knowing you are going to die or something.  Doesn’t it make you nervous?”

Tom, Ruth’s best friend laughed.  “Marriage is not considered a death sentence.  In most cases.”

“I guess since, I’ve had the ring since I was born.  My grandmother said that it was a gift to me from my mother before she died. She blessed the ring to find my soulmate then put it on my finger.  The old Celtic blessing then molded the ring to my finger and the count down started.  It grew with me, the time never changing.  And now we are watching 49 minutes and 27 minutes until I meet my soulmate.  I’ve been waiting my whole life for this moment.” Ruth replied, picking up her martini, nervously taking a sip.  Looking around the bar, she bent down whispering excitedly.  “You know, he may already be here.”

Tom, slowly scanned the bar.  “Probably not, I don’t see anyone with Scumbag written on their forehead.”

Donna laughed as Ruth threw a punch at Tom.  “Today is different.  Today I meet my soulmate.  My gift tells me the time, I just hope I am in the right place.”

Tom sighed, watching her eye every available male walking through the door of the bar.  “You know if you relax, you’ll probably enjoy this process a little better.”  He lightly touched her hand, giving her some of his good energy.

Pulling her hand back quickly, Ruth gasped at Tom.  “I can’t be seen as ‘with’ you.  What if my soulmate sees that and walks out that door?”

Tom sighed again, taking his eyes from her hand, looking at his beer.  “If everything your grandmother says is true then it shouldn’t matter what I do.  He should show up anyway.”

Lightly patting Tom on the back, Donna came to her friend’s defense.  “Give the girl a break.  It’s not every day that you know your soul mate is going walking through that door.  She does.”

Tom looked between the two women.  “She’s been talking about this for 32 years, well the 15 that I’ve known her.  So if anyone knows what’s going on, we do.”

Ruth looked between her best friends.  She smiled.  “I am so glad you are here to witness this.  So many people thought I was crazy when I explained the ring to them.  So many people simply wrote me off as a nut case, tonight I prove everyone WRONG!”

Tom looked around the bar again, it was just the usual crowd.  “How is this predicting anything?  We know most of the people in this bar, and you’ve already written most of them off of your list.”
 

Donna looked around again.  “I know.  How are you supposed to find your soul mate when you’ve already dating most of the eligible bachelors here? Are you sure it is supposed to happen here?”

Ruth looked around the bar.  “I have no idea.  I could be called out into the street in any minute, meeting him there.  I could bump into him coming out of the bathroom.  I just have to wait.”  She looked down at her finger.  “41 minutes and 37 seconds.”

Tom looked at the ring again.  “I never understood all of this, honestly.  I think your grandmother was just making you bide your time.”

Ruth looked at him, surprised.  Usually he was so supportive.  “What do you mean, staying a virgin?”

Tom turned red.  “There are not many 32 year old virgins in the world today.  You have the looks, you have the body, but you’re still a virgin.  Plus you haven’t lived the life of nun.  How do you know all the other guys you dated were not your soulmate.  What will you do if one of them walks through the door.”

Ruth looked at Tom, laughing.  “My past boyfriends were dry runs before my soul mate. I dated losers, I know.  They were teaching me what I did not want. The virgin thing just seemed logical.  How could I make love to someone knowing they were not my soul mate?”  Ruth looked at Tom, “You probably will not understand, it’s like trying all these different pairs of shoes knowing that that pair sitting next to you is perfect.  Now Tom, I know you don’t like shoes, but you have tried on a few pairs before buying what you want.  What’s wrong with me having a little bit of fun.  You see, i knew I had plenty of time.  I was just trying on shoes.  Some brand names, others off brands, but they were all great shoes.  They served their purpose. I was just saving myself.”

Tom laughed.  “For the perfect pair of shoes?”

Donna laughed.  “For the only ones that won’t hurt your bunions?”

Ruth heard the door to the bar open, looking back over, appraising the man walking through, turned back to her friends, looking at her ring.  She held up her hand, “See?  I have 37 minutes and 12 seconds before meeting my soul mate.  I put a lot of effort in this.”

Watching his best friend, Tom was sad. There were so many ways he could point out that everything was all wrong, but watching her enthusiasm made him mute.  He almost hoped that she did find her soul mate, that her gift was real.  There was that small part of him that was hoping for failure.  Something deep inside him that he wasn’t touching.  “Well, you don’t have much time left as a single woman, maybe you should enjoy it while you can.”

Ruth looked down at her hand.  On her ring finger, opposite hand to the traditional ring, sat a small metal band, digital numbers ticking the seconds away.  Ruth looked down to the simple band.  “My grandmother said that the ring was my mother’s gift to me just before she died giving birth.  She touched my finger with her finger just before she died and the ring appeared.  Grandmother said that the ring grew with me, that they tried different doctors to remove it but all concluded that it was part of my body, that it could not be removed.  Grandma said it was my gift from my mother, she knew that she could not be with me as I grew up, so she left me this gift, this insider knowledge no one else gets.”

Tom looked at the ring, over the years he’d come to hate the thing, watching the way Ruth obsessed over the thing.  “But how do you know it is for your soul mate?”

Ruth looked to her friend, he was the most comfortable person in her group, sometimes he did ask the stupidest questions.  “My grandmother and mother looked it up in an ancient Irish text, they found a ring like it, and just like mine, the clock didn’t start ticking until I hit puberty.  According to the text, the gift of true love is given in the ring, that when it counts down to zero, you will have your soulmate.”

Donna took a sip of her drink.  “So that is why we’ve done all this bar hopping and shopping?”

Ruth looked around the room.  “I can trust the ring, but I can also prepare.  So I should wear something expensive and go to places where rich people frequent, making sure I marry someone with money.  I mean it does make life easier.”

Tom almost spit out his beer.  “Doesn’t that make you hypocritical?  You are changing who you are to find a mate that has money?  Shouldn’t you accept your soul mate for who he is, not hoping that he comes in a good looking package and can finance a lavish lifestyle.”  Tom wasn’t going to admit that he felt a little miffed, he made the least wage in the group but wouldn’t give up being an English teacher if someone offered him a fortune.  Until he sold his great American Novel that is.

Ruth and Donna turned to him, they hadn’t heard that energetic outburst from Tom in a while.  Ruth made sure no one in the bar was watching them with interest before she continued.  She brought her voice low.  “I am just making sure I am covering all the bases.  What if I was destined to go to those places, that my mate was there and me doing something stupid like trying out a few different rich people places brought him to me.  I’m not stooping low, I’m just making sure I’m out there.  That if he has been there waiting for his soul mate then at least I’ve walked by.”

Tom sighed.  “Well, I think that damn ring is a curse, to be honest.  It has held you back, never opening up to any man because it wasn’t time. You played with a lot of us believing the promise of the ring.  Figuring people like us weren’t right for you because the clock was ticking, and you were sure something better was coming along.  We were diversions while you waited.  What would the ring do if you decided that staying with the right guy in front of you at the wrong time rather than waiting on a promise that may not come? What will you do if it comes to zero and you are alone?”

Both women stared at Tom incredulously.  He was never so vocal about dating.  He never really dated, just simply hung out with their group of friends.  Ruth was the first one finding her voice, looking down at her ring.  “I guess we have 9 minutes and 54 seconds to find out, now don’t we.  I can go back to nice guys if my soulmate doesn’t show up.”

Donna looked to her friend.  “My only hope is that your soul mate is bringing my soul mate with him.  I’m tired of dating.”

Tom looked between his two friends.  “You two are hopeless.  Love doesn’t just come to you, you have to go out looking for it.  Your soulmate already walked by you and you didn’t even notice, waiting for someone else coming along.  Why not be proactive? Look around you.  What if you’ve know your soulmate the whole time, you were so busy with your own shit not realizing the world doesn’t work on your clock.  Life continues on just like that clock ticks away.  It is not waiting for you to feel complete, or for everything to work out.  It moves according to its own plan.”  Looking around the bar, he continued.  “Now I am going to be proactive, taking charge of my own destiny. I am in charge of my life, and I choose to live it.  I’m not waiting for someone or something to tell me to take a chance.  I’m tired of waiting.  If you want to take a chance with me, then you know where I live.”  Sitting his half empty beer on the table, Tom grabbed Ruth kissing her hard  on the lips before setting her down, walking out the door to the street.

Touching her lips lightly, her mouth in a silent “Oh,” Ruth looked at Donna.  Donna looked over to the closed door of the bar. “Damn, I had no idea.  Oh well, your soul mate is coming anyway.”

Ruth looked down at the ring on her finger, gasping for air.  She tried taking the ring off of her finger, but it wouldn’t budge.  It had changed.  The clock never reached 0-0-0, it simply reset when she wasn’t looking, in Ruth’s quick calculations she had over a year before meeting her soulmate.

Looking back at the door to the bar, Ruth thought about that kiss.  Turning to her friend, she sighed.  “Maybe this time was not meant to be.  Maybe I have to wait a little bit longer for my real soul mate.”  Looking down at the clicking clock on her finger, she muttered.  “It’s not that long.”

Donna didn’t say a word, watching at her friend.  Before saying what was on her mind and possibly ruining two friendships, she grabbed her drink.

Looking back at the door, down to her ring, the into her beer, Ruth turned to Donna.  “Or I could take charge of my life and go for what I want.  Change the time on the clock again…..”

Jumping from her chair, Ruth ran through the door of the bar, charging into the cool summer night.  She wasn’t sure which way he went, her heart reminding her you know everything about him.  He’s been there for 15 years, giving you his heart, his life, his soul.  Where did he go?”

Pausing, looking up and down the street, Ruth ran in the direction she knew he’d take.

WTF - Yes, you can have a piece of me!

Now that you've given Mom the gift certificate for "V" steaming.  What is V Steam?  Well here ya go:

V Steam is WHAT????

Even though Valentine's Day has passed the next gift is the perfect "I love you" for that special person in your life.

The "Ash Dildo" or "21 grams"

New to the market, this vibrator holds the remains of your loved one in a little compartment inside the dildo, so you can actually still have a piece of them with you.

21 grams combines everything a woman can love in a beautiful box.  A brass key opens the box to a compartment holding your wedding ring (amazing the flaps shield the wedding ring from what?), a regular sized vibrator with a glass enclosure holding a small brass urn with the remains of your loved one.  The key to your heart?  Yes.  Special time with the one you love?  Definitely.  There is even built in speakers with a slot for your iPhone, so you can listen to your favorite tunes, (It's All About The Bass) as you spend "time" with your loved one.  And of course, to make the mood perfect, a scent diffuser helps the mood, using perhaps their cologne, or in my case the scent of bacon.  A small drawer holds keepsakes of the loved one, too small for a golf club but big enough for a few golf tees.

I can't help but imagine the conversation:


Funeral Director, "So have you thought about your husband's last wishes?"
Wife, "Yes, we both decided on cremation, not a casket."
Funeral Director pulls out colorful, glossy brochure.  "A good choice, here are different styles of urns for your loved one."
Wife, looking at brochure.  "Oh, these are way to big."
Funeral Director looking at Wife, "Too big?"
Wife pulls out her 21 Grams box, taking the small brass urn out of the dildo and putting it on the table, "I only need a little bit.  Harold always said a little bit went a long way, just like he will now."  She turns on Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You."
Funeral Director, quickly recovering. "Oh, but there will be quite a bit left over?"
Wife, looking at brochure again, "Oh plastic bag is fine.  We'll be spreading his ashes over Sullivan's Bar."

Sooth those aching muscles with the massaging action of the vibrator, soothe the aches of your heart knowing that you made his famous words come true.  Remember when he'd look at your lovingly and say, "You wanna piece of me?"  Look at your urn gently reminding him with a smile,  "You're always with me, and this time I'm in control."

Called "21 grams" because the human soul weighs 21 grams, I can see a few wives, misunderstanding,  saying, "21 grams?  Please, do you have something holding a pound or so?"

Ready for your 21 Grams?  Then simply click through for ordering information!  Your special someone will be surprised that you are prepared for the future!  21 Grams

What Childbirth Has Taught Me - I Can Endure Anything

Childbirth.  That one lie that every women tells you, “You’ll forget all about it when you hold that baby.”   Luckily this is not true, God intended us to not forget about childbirth, because it prepares for other, equally harrowing adventures in a lifetime with children.  Some specifics come to mind.

The Doctor’s Visit.  Childbirth and all the completely humiliating doctor’s visits that accompany it prepare us for a lifetime of doctor’s visits with our children.  (Yes, even some of them when they are adults)  Childbirth prepares us for those first visits to the Pediatrician with a baby, when they get their first shots and exams.  My child after the first checkup, immediately recognized the doctor’s office. Knowing it entailed shots, he started screaming the minute we walked through the revolving door.  He continued screaming in the waiting room, in the examination room, through the entire process.  The screams to my surprised got louder when the nurse arrived with the needle, after which he went back to his “normal” screams.  I don’t remember any instructions from any doctor’s visit because I couldn’t hear her, all I remember was the child screaming.  If I can endure monthly hour long screaming episodes, I attribute that to childbirth. 

Childbirth helps us deal with getting older.  Once you go through showing everything off to a group of doctors, nurses and close family members (with one of them filming) suddenly you are less conscious about your body.  Childbirth also prepares you for the lifetime of people walking in on you when you are naked.  It is nothing after 46 hours of labor where everyone walking into the room looks at your crotch.  Makes it easier when I child walks in on you after a shower.  You turn around with everything hanging out asking, “What?” 

Childbirth also prepares mothers for the teenage years.  Going through 36 hours of the sights and smells of giving birth makes anything coming out of your teenager’s room seem pale in comparison.  Waiting, in pain, for 15 hours makes the 45 minute wait for your hot water to return after a teenager’s shower seem like a blink in time. 

Childbirth is a tough experience, something I will never forget.  The above are difficult, but my lessons learned in the delivery room prepared me to me a mom.  The hardest most difficult experience, that I have likened to childbirth is the Chuck E Cheese experience.  Not only has the joys of pregnancy prepared me for this, but the pain of childbirth made me battle ready.

Going into Chuck E Cheese with children is like being pregnant.  Everyone is excited and happy in the beginning, almost kind of giddy.  Like the “honeymoon stage” of pregnancy, you watch your child enjoy the rides, play the games, ordering pizza and of course at our Chuck e Cheese, beer.  (remember I already gave birth)  Then as time wears on, you realize that certain things are making you feel uncomfortable.  Like, did you son just pickup something off the floor and eat it?  Or, can someone please turn off that ride that yells “Yahoo” every 2 minutes?  Yes, it is every two minutes because in your obsessiveness you’ve timed it.

Then you have to crawl through the Chuck E Cheese maze getting a stuck child out.  You squeeze your fat ass through the tubes until you locate the toddler sitting and crying.  Pulling him back out makes you think childbirth was a little easier.  But your next experience proves you wrong.

Just like the end of a pregnancy, there is a slight bit of dread, but anticipation as you pack your bag for the hospital.  In Chuck E Cheese, or in the Arcade, or anywhere kids play games, your child walks up with 4,219 tickets ready to check out.  Your husband usually, watching the child come up with a wad of tickets in his hand, has to go to the bathroom at that time from too much beer (did I mention our Chuck E Cheese serves beer?)  You look down at that little minion with dread as you approach the prize counter.

You are behind 4 other children picking out their prizes, knowing that waiting with the tickets they are holding, you’ve got an easy 20 minutes many longer.  Knowing the desired outcome (a happy child) you can handle the wait.  Then the real labor comes in.

Your child has 4,219 tickets.  They first want the grand prize of a Nerf gun.  The Nerf gun unfortunately costs 24,897 tickets, just a slight difference from your child’s current wad.  Your husband is still in the bathroom as you explain to a crying child that they cannot have the Nerf Gun and they will have to choose another item.  They start dispensing their 4,219 tickets with a 6 ticket Tootsie Roll. 4,216 tickets left.  This is where your experience with labor and deliver comes into play.  Luckily we can order a beer at our Chuck E Cheese as the child moves up to a 15 ticket kazoo. 4,201 tickets left.  Then just like childbirth 8 hours later, you are still pushing with 157 tickets left.  Here comes the final push, lean down to the child saying, "Look!  The kazoo is 160 tickets, they'll give you 3 tickets!"  The attendant gives it to you and everyone walks out of Chuck E Cheese cradling their newborn prizes swaddled up in a brand new bag.  Of course, the kazoo disappears the minute you shut the minivan door.  You endured childbirth, you’re not enduring the constant kazoo of “Hot Cross Buns” during your 15 minute ride home.

Funny though, like Childbirth you say you will never "do that again?"  Well, for some reason you're back 9 months later either at the hospital or Chuck E Cheese! Welcome to childbirth, again.  It is no wonder why hospital’s provide epidurals and Chuck E Cheese serve beer.  Coincidence?  I think not.