WTF - How to write a sex scene

So a possible editor sent back one of romance manuscripts telling me I need a few "steamy" scenes.

Enter how to pull off the sex scene.

Read a bunch of porn, no I'm just kidding. My imagination is much better than that.

Sit in the living room, working on the scene, figuring out what three items should be included.

boobs?

Butt?

The big deal?

Then figure out how they are going to do it, not the Fifty Shades of Grey do it, but a normal, "romantic" sex scene do it.

Why can't they fade to black like most of the movies? Why is she asking me for details?

Oh FiFty Shades of Grey you ruined it for everyone.

So I start writing the scene, and soon get lost in the moment. Stopping periodically looking around the room.

It is surreal.

Here I am writing a sex scene and both of my boys are sitting and doing their homework. The Great Food Truck Race is playing on the TV, the dog is snoring on her bed. Everything so ordinary, then why am I sweating so much.

I plow into it, wondering,

"Seriously, does that ever really happen?" (Gazing into her luminous eyes, his breath caught at her beauty, gag gag!)

Then I move to, "Wait, I forgot the part where they stripped, how did they end up there from getting out of the car?

Finally, rereading thinking, "Is most of that humanly possible?"

I look up again and my perfectly normal household is continuing on, no one noticing my face is flushed and I am sweating.

Then I go back again over it again, please, not for the pleasure of it, because it is not right.

"Started a story as old as time?" Oh god, that sounds horrible.

"Pausing, he asked, Are you Sure?" Hell, they are already there, have to remove this line.

Crap, she had a white T-shirt in the beginning and now is putting on a black one, is she a quick change artist?

Finally, I get it the way I want it, going in the kitchen for a cool drink of water.

"Mom, are you OK?"

"Sure honey, just working on a few things."

"Why is your face so red? Are you having a hot flash?"

"Yes honey, it is a hot flash."

Then it hits me, they want this because it is good exercise for us women. Reading what I written, made my heartbeat rise, I used my arm muscles fanning my face, several muscles tensed (kegels anyone?) 

That's why we have to include these scenes in our novels, it is for the good of society.

It keeps everyone in shape.

WTF - My Covert Operation

My husband thinks I have some type of covert operation on him, that I am trying to drive him crazy

One day at a time.

He is convinced I'm hiding

things from him. We have this wonderful conversation looking for things:

Him: Did you put away my whatchamacallit?

Me: Why would I put away your whatchamacallit? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit.

Him: But my whatchamacallit isn't where I usually put it.

Me: Did you put it somewhere else?

Him: Why would I put it somewhere else?

Me: Because you needed it there?

Him: I only need it where I usually put it and it is not there.

Me: So where is it?

Him: That's what I am asking you?

Rinse, Repeat entire conversation from the beginning.

Usually after we spend 15 minutes following each other around the house.

Him: There it is, why is my Whatchamacallit there?

Me: I don't know, did you put it there?

Him: Why would I put it there?

Me: Because that's where it is, right?

Him: You moved it, didn't you?

Me: Why would I move it? I don't even use your Whatchamacallit. Put it where you can find it the next time.

-------------------------------------------------15 minutes later----------------------------------------

Him: Have you seen my Doohickey?

Me: Isn't it over there where you usually put it?

Muwahahahah!

So far, my evil plan is working.

WTF - But Officer!!

WTF - But Officer!

As many of you dear readers know, I moved to a very small town (total of 350 full time residents during off seasons) and no, it was not to avoid federal custody capture, but to slow down when it came to life.

Well, that didn't work.

Just ask the nice police officer who pulled me over this morning.

Right in the middle of the parkway, where all 349 people can see my white mini cooper with the blue lights flashing behind it.

Did I mention I received 10 text messages from friends within 5 minutes of getting pulled.
"Oh Kel got hit by the PoPo!"
"Do you need bail money?"
"What did you do now?"
"I heard there are a lot of cute girls in jail nowadays."
"Show him your boobs."

I love my friends.

So I thought about possibly showing my boobs to get out of the ticket, but the only people interested in those now a days is National Geographic.

The officer walks up to my car, I fluff my hair, turn off the radio (because I am respectful, "I like big butts" shouldn't be playing while I negotiate with the officer) commence looking for the necessary items (license - not fishing but driving - registration)

"Good morning Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"  Why do they always ask you that? Of course not, because I'd hit the brakes as soon as I saw your cop car because I knew I was speeding.

"Uh no, I'm sorry. I was running late to a workout class." I'm thinking, that's probably the lamest excuse from a sober person he's ever heard.

"35 MPH in a 25 MPH zone, and you went left of the line."

"Well shit, that fast?" I did hit the brakes when I saw him, how could I still be going that fast? Then I realize cussing probably is not going to help my case, maybe I should go down the boob road. But how do you get a sports bra off gracefully? Not a chance in hell.

***Of course, I'm thinking there's no one else out here, all the 349 people are either still in bed or off the mountain.

"I'm going to go run your plates." Why does this make me nervous? I'm not in Fast and Furious (well maybe in the speed department) My car is up to date, why does that line make me feel like an outlaw?

So what do I do? I snapchat a few pictures back to my friends saying:
"Cute cop, may have to show the boobs.
"Will orange look good on me?"
"Can you bring me your license, he doesn't believe the age on mine."

He comes walking back with a pad, well crap.

"I'm going to write you a warning today. I'd hate to hit a deer going that fast in your car."

A warning? I slowly lower my shirt. How did I get so lucky. I text my friends a picture of the warning.

"He said I was nice and polite and only gave me a warning," I text my friends.

"Obviously you didn't show him your boobs." One replied.

Thanks a lot.

WTF - Writing, I am your mistress....

Dear Writing:

I did you yesterday.

I did you again yesterday afternoon.

I did you while my children were watching Spongebob.

I even snuck out of bed last night and did you again.

You have no idea how much I want to do you.

You tease me when I am not in the mood, make me do you anyway.

You ask me to whip it out at the most inappropriate times of the day!

Why are you not satisfied? You're always telling me to insert this here, add some stimulation there. And then you make me feel bad because I'm just not in the mood. Well if you are limp, then it is really hard to get in the mood, you know? Sometimes you tell me I suck, and then you laugh.

When I try really hard, you won't come with me. When I try to walk away, you beg me to stay. You're always on my mind. I think of you when I'm alone. I fantasize about you when I'm supposed to do yoga? You haunt my dreams, whispering, "You need more excitement, try this." When I do, you ignore me, make me beg for more.  When I'm quiet, all I hear is, "Why just sit there when you can do me?" Why can't we be just be together, no strings attached? 

I never hear any encouragement from you, not even a "job well done" or "that was perfect, do it that way again" all I hear is your silence. Then you say, "I want more, do it again." You never hear me when I tell you my needs, not realizing everything I sacrifice to please you.  You mock me as I beg for more.

Is there no end to this relationship? Will we forever be trying? How can I make you happy?

You just demand more and more from me, begging me not to stop.

I like it.

I guess it's time to do you again.

WTF - Dog vs. Children

There are some mornings I actually like my dog more than my kids, not this morning - the kids won. Then I realized my kids and dog have a lot in common:

They are alike in that:

They lie around a lot, in the same position. Then they get up, stretch and lie down in a new position.

They leave shit on the floor, expecting me to clean it up.


They eat anything that comes out of a can.

They sleep a lot. I mean A LOT!

They depend on me to take them anywhere.

They are not in common when:

My dog is happy to see me, my teenager - not so much. Especially when I am early to carpool and he's talking to a girl.

My dog eats the same thing every day and doesn't complain. 

My dog listens to me the first time, wait a minute, scratch that neither listen to me.

My dog doesn't whine, my kids are masters at it.

My dog can be bribed to do anything with small amounts of food.

Then my kids win:

I still have to periodically clean shit off my dog's butt, thank god my children grew out of this.

I've never had to chase my child down the street whistling.

I've never had to cut cockleburs out of a child's hair while holding them down.

My children know that skunks spray.

My kids don't lick their butt.

My dog still takes a dump on the floor.

My kids don't eat dead stuff then come inside and puke it on the only carpeted place in the house.

My kids are easier to bathe.

I guess I've lived both worlds, having the kids, then as they demanded, getting the dog. Honestly I wouldn't live without either one.

Oh, there's a mess I need to clean up.

WTF - Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss - Do you like the snow?

I am Kel
Kel, Oh well.

That Kel, That Kel
She think's she's swell
That Kel, That Kel
The stories she tells

Would you like some more snow?
Soft and fluffy and off we go?

I do not want any more snow,
I do not want it now you know.

Would you like to take a ride?
Down the hill on skis we glide?

I told you once, I don't want to ride.
This cold weather makes me hide.
And no I don't want more snow.
I do not want it, now you know.

Would you could you hit the rink?
Ice skate around, don't you think?

No, no, I don't want to ride.
Downhill on skis that slide.
I do not, will not hit the rink.
No thanks to ice skating, it just stinks.
And no, no, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Perhaps, a good wintery slope,
It is a perfect day, one could hope?

There is no hope, not even a slope.
It's too cold outside you dope!
I do not want to ride,
I do not want to go outside.
I do not want to hit the rink,
Open that door and I'll cause a stink.
You didn't hear me, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Would you, could you think of tubing?
A fun winter sport of choosing?

Take a tube on a cold winter day? 
Leave me be, please, I pray.
I will not ride down a slope,
I will not ride, you dope!
I will not ski, don't you see?
It's too cold outside for me!
I don't want to fall in a rink,
Hit the ice? now way, I think.
I do not want to go out in the snow!
I do not, do not, now you know.

You do not like snow,
So you say,
Try it, try it,
And you may.
Open the door, take a small step outside,
Try it, try it, to say you tried.

Oh Kel, if you'll let me be,
I'll step outside and see.
I'll try the snow, 
I'll try it for you.
I will not like it like you do.

Wait!
It's so pretty, I like the snow!
I like it, I like it! Now I know!
I will go ski on this pretty day.
I'll ride the lift to the top, I say!
I will hit the rink for a turn or two.
I'll even take a break with a brew.
Maybe after that beer in a tube I'll ride,
I'll do it all and stay outside.


I do like the fluffy snow!
I do like it, 
now I know!




  

WTF - Daytime Rockstars

Living in a resort style environment, the fun never stops. In order to survive, we've become Daytime Rockstars.  What is a daytime rockstar?

Daytime Rockstars are that wild breed loving a great party, until it is bedtime. We time the last beer to one hour prior to our multi vitamin and sleeping mask.

Daytime Rockstars coined the phrase, "It is five o'clock somewhere" because usually we feel legal having a beer at noon on a Saturday because we are in bed by 9:37 then back up before the sun rises for more fun.

Daytime Rockstars have perfected the time of the "peak." This is usually after that first bloody Mary at brunch, way before the "shit show" at the stroke of midnight. They recognize when their body gently says, "It's gonna get ugly from here on out" or their mind reminds them, "no one appreciated the last time you danced on the bar, time to go home."

Daytime Rockstars avoid bars that advertise Happy Hours starting at 5 o'clock, or a band that starts at 830pm or large groups of friends going out for "just one."

Daytime Rockstars have also perfected the art of the "leave." 

They realize the words, "I'm out of here" should never be spoken in an open bar after sunset, prompting every friend to either

buy them another drink
convince them they will miss the most EPIC party evah
make them feel guilty, "you are the life of the party, why leave?"
grab them, not letting go until the bar closes.

Exit Strategies of Daytime Rockstars include:

Bait and Switch - this involves the bartender, take one for sleep, paying for the round of shots, distracting everyone as they sneak out the front door.

The Bus - this involves throwing another Daytime Rockstar under the bus, loudly proclaiming, "Shirley just said she was leaving!"  then exiting quietly as everyone convinces Shirley she should stay for just "one more."

Rear Window - Tell everyone you have to use the bathroom, hold your stomach and groan before closing and locking the door, this gives you time to use the screw driver in your purse to pry open the bathroom window.  Crawl out the rear window to freedom.

The Text - pay someone to send you a text and the appropriate time. Look at your phone, look shocked before confidently exiting the bar.  This usually only works once, unless everyone has already had your Bait and Switch shot and doesn't remember your dramatic exit from the bar earlier in the week..

Finally, The Braggart - splash cold water on your face, pinch your cheeks before proudly proclaiming, "This place is lame, I'm onto the next one!"  So what if no one knows your next one is "bed" and looking at "closed eyelids."

Look for the Daytime Rockstar among your friends, they are up early smiling and ready to do it again as everyone holds their heads complaining about staying up to late.

Or maybe it is the Centrum Silver kicking in giving them that smile.

WTF - How to handle snow days.

We moved to the mountains for snow, so there's no complaining here.  After a crappy December of NO SNOW, Mother Nature took pity on us.

Day 1 - Very happy that the school decided to call at 545am to call school. Watching the weather the night before and 6-8 inches told me we wouldn't have school anyway.  Can't get back to sleep.

Day 2 - Tell the kids they should try reading for 20 minutes each day. Youngest son pulled out a math snow day packet.  They were quiet downstairs, found them both napping amidst empty cookie boxes and pretzel bags.


Day 3 - Boys arguing so much, I sent them out to shovel. Whatever they could find. They shoveled a path to their ramp and rail, left the steps untouched. On their way out to shovel, my gloves, hat and sock bins exploded all over the downstairs.

Day 4 - youngest son has lost the math packet, I hope I didn't use it to start the fire.  Slipped and busted my ass on the unshoveled steps.  Locked both boys out of the house until the steps are shoveled. Amazingly all my sock, hat and glove bins exploded all over the downstairs.

Day 5 - Someone moved the xBox and Black Ops game upstairs while I was looking for the math packet. The shoveled steps now have a thin coat of ice on them, busted my ass again. (secretly counting bottles of wine and calculating what's needed before I can get to the store)

THE WEEKEND!  Couldn't sleep in because it was time to ski!

Day 6 - At least they called school the night before.  Netflix sent me a congratulatory letter for most hours watched while my iWatch is reminding me every 15 minutes that I am supposed to stand!

Day 7 - 3 hour delay, we all are kind of breathing a sigh of relief because I am quickly figuring out why some mothers eat their young.  Oh wait, school got called.  Let's make Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast.

Thank God we have a ski resort close, sending everyone over there.

How many bottles of wine are left?

WTF - Indispesible Snow Driving Tips

With all the snow we received the past few days, I thought Id share successful snow driving tips for mountain living.

1.  Make sure you leave all the snow piled on top of your car and on the hood. This makes the driver behind you feel like they are in a snow globe as it blows off your car on the road.  On another note it will keep drivers behind you at a safe distance.

2.  Create a real video game atmosphere by only clearing a 4 in circle on your windshield.  This will give the real feel to M1A1 tank! Bring a toy gun with you to complete the experience.

3.  Your hazard lights are a great way to alert all the drivers around you that it is snowing.  Make sure they pay attention to you by honking your horn as they pass you.

4.  The "I'm about to crap myself" look on your face is great for sagging skin. It will make you look 10 years younger. It is especially flattering when framed by the 4in hole you cleared on your windshield.

5.  Your high beams at night are the perfect way to see every snowflake. Turn them on and leave them on for the rest of your vacation.

6.  If you have 4WD, even if you've never used it before, make sure you drive as fast as you can, alerting all the other drivers that you have 4WD. This is especially true if you don't know how to turn on your 4WD, drive as fast as you can, your car will let you know when it needs it by sliding into the ditch.

7. The driver in front of you is the perfect leader on the road.  Follow that driver as close as you can finding their tracks in the snow. Their hazard lights will let you know when to stop.

8.  Check the brakes on your car frequently. Make sure they are in working order by slamming on them when you hit 15 MPH and you were planning on 10 MPH.

9.  Your turn begins the second you hit your destined road, don't inconvenience the drivers behind you by slowing down for your turn. Turn signals are not needed as your hazard lights are already on.

10.  Make sure you honk hello to the fellow drivers, especially those that do not know they are facing the wrong way on the road or the ones in the ditch. It makes them feel part of the community.

Bonus Tip:  Gunning your car for long periods of time will help it gain traction, the turning wheels will melt the ice. If you all of a sudden move, don't worry, your hazards have already alerted other drivers there is snow and they will be watching YOU!

What other winter driving tips would you ad?

WTF - Candy Hearts

I'm sitting working and of course my computer whispers, "Come on Kel, you haven't participated in a major time suck in a WHILE! Go back to Crackbook!"

Of course I say, "Just for a second, I need a little break.  Then I find the Candy Heart Generator, and most of my morning goes to shit as I go on a binge.

I think, I can do better than, "UR Mine or Fax Me?" Who even faxes anymore?  So here's a few cool ones I'd add to the Brach's Bag.

To my husband:

And I get back just a question mark.

How about.....

To my youngest son: 

 He texts back, "What?"

So I send:

To my oldest son:

Of course, he replies, "Really?"  So I send this......

He replies,"Stop it Mom."

To my Sister:

To a friend!

Or:

So if you want something to kill an entire morning, well, here ya go!

http://www.cryptogram.com/hearts/

Let's move away from "Fax Me" something cool like:

WTF - Keeping It Real and Keeping It Safe

Some mornings you just have to love your Facebook feed, two stories completely related right next to each other!



The First was this story about a woman asking firemen to remove a chastity belt.  Why am I talking about this story?  Here's some of the details:

One story said she was 60 years old and wore the belt to stay pure.  Honey, you are sixty, is staying pure so high on the list? Could leather and steel really be comfortable for that long?

Then it said, she walked into the station wearing the belt. With anything else?  What were the firemen thinking when she said, "I need help breaking the lock on my Chastity belt."

Why did she need help breaking the lock?  Well, she lost the key.  Wow, there are lyrics to a good Country Music song in there, but then think about it - she was sixty. I've been losing my phone since my early teens? A tiny Chastity belt key?

Of course I did search whether or not these things were still for real, and in case you need one, well, here ya go!  CLICK HERE.  I may be a little worried about the one review mentioning the key broke the first time they tried it in the lock. At least the fire station is only 5 minutes away.

Upon my search, chastity belts run from 6.59 to over 400 dollars. I can see a younger version of me, say, like 59 years old saying, "Honey, I'm sorry. I have a chastity belt on, but don't worry, I bought the cheap one only 6.59!"

Of course perhaps I could use the belt, "Honey, you said you would fix the drain on the sink in the bathroom, well, I lost my key down there."

***

Then I scroll down to the product I'll actually use.  This lock doesn't have a key, it has an APP!  Controlled by your phone, who needs keeping up with a key.

Who am I kidding, I think my chastity went by the way of the dinosaur legions ago.

Then I think, I really could use this product. 

Easy locking.
Controlled by a phone app so no lost keys, I only lose my phone occasionally
Keeps everything safe
Lifetime guarantee!!!

The App is designed for you to set a goal before you reward yourself, you could could set a goal of cleaning house for 1 hour, or maybe putting in 10,000 steps, or maybe finishing that book!

You know you want it too!  Click here for this amazing product!

Yes, the smart cookie jar!  Tuck away the cookies, the candy (Not the chastity belt candy) the TV remote, the KY, the gaming controller until you app tells you the coast is clear.

At least we don't have to get the fire department involved with this one.

Unless they have a sweet tooth like me.

WTF - What a BEAUTIFUL Idea

So a friend send me this wonderful idea I thought I would share with you, and how my wicked twisted sense of humor took it.

It's called an Inspiration Jar - cue the whimsical music right here - where you fill a jar with beautiful writing prompts and each day (really? each day, are you kidding me? I'm lucky if I get a shower each day) you take out a prompt for meditation and journal writing.

OK, this does sound like fun, I have no problem creating the beautiful jar, then came the part of beautiful prompts.  Where does my mind go? You guessed it, right in the gutter, here's a few of my questions:

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why does my crap stink sometimes and other times it does, but my husbands stinks ALL THE TIME?

Why can't I tickle myself, and why do I want to?

What good does it do putting the empty box of Orange Juice back in the refrigerator?

Why does Google become a sick pervert when you use the letter U for a question rather than individual?  Seriously, try it!

Why is it when I get lost in any city, I always find the druggie neighborhood? Even with GPS?

What sicko created those 100 calorie packs of Oreos. A, they are not Oreos, and B, two cookies is not an acceptable number.

Why would a person every say they are a pathological liar? Aren't they lying?

Why can't I find anything anymore, I've moved into the "constant looking" phase of my life?

Do they ever have mattresses NOT on sale?

Why hasn't a psychic ever won the lottery?  Just saying.

Someone is messing with the sizing on clothes recently, haven't they?

They make bullet proof clothing, but I've never seen bullet proof pants?

The same doctor that delivered both of my children, leaves the room for me to undress into a gown that exposes everything anyway, why?

How do you know when sour cream is bad?

And finally, the one that really gets me.

My Grape Nuts has NO nuts, not a single one in it.

So go out there and create your beautiful writing prompt jar, or do what I do, clean out a Ketchup bottle and put it in there, because I never need a prompt, I look at the bottle thinking, "What is the different between Ketchup and FANCY Ketchup? It does get the creative juices flowing!

WTF-National Novel Writing Month, the creative process

November becomes a blur each year as I embark on writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. Luckily I've won every year for five years.  The whole point of this process is writing so fast your inner editor cannot correct or make you second guess your work. Thought I would share a little bit of the creative process with you:

Prepping for Novel Writing is the most stressful part of this process. This year I had two ideas jostling in my brain for first dibs, both interesting ideas.

How did I get these ideas? Dreaming!  Isn't it crazy. I can dream an entire novel, or a scene that leaves me so breathless I have to structure something around it.  Both ideas came in a dream, me quickly writing them down in a journal beside the bed so I don't forget them. Once the ideas sets, the obsession starts, where I cannot stop thinking about them, so I start notebooks for each idea, further embellishing the idea.

I thought about writing two books in one month, but one idea backed down the other took hold. My goal is finishing the one book early and starting the next,  effectively writing two novels before the end of the year. Next time you see me, hold me to that promise.

Here's the hard part.  The ideas came to me beginning of October and since I am a purist, I could not write the first word of the story until Nov 1st.  That's not the easiest thing to do, because when an idea takes hold, everything in your system wants to flesh it out, you want to start writing. I keep the faith by writing notes about characters, possible scenes, anything keeping me from writing that first line.

It's always hard telling people my ideas for stories because when I talk about an idea it becomes real and sometimes sounds a lot weirder than what's going on in my head. It's hard to explain werwolves and stuff in a serious tone without people looking at you like you are crazy. Well, maybe I am crazy, but these people in my head are real to me.

Now that I got the first day out of the way and 4,000 words down, I'm feeling pretty good. Do I remember most of what I wrote? Not a thing.  Usually the good stuff I don't remember writing, that's when the brain takes over and I'm just the poor sap typing at the keyboard. It is fun going back and re-reading what I wrote because sometimes I'm like, "Damn, that's some pretty good shit."

So my story has notes, it has characters, specifically Ben, Toby, Jane, Chloe, and the tall stranger.  It now has a beginning, and as the month rolls along a middle and an end.  Maybe I'll take a nap to see if I can dream a little more of it.  Oh creativity, you are so fickle.

Good luck to other NANOers, here's to toasting 50K in words before the end of November!

Oh and what will I do with the other 5 novels I've written? I've edited two and need a proofer, one  is part of a series, I'm editing Novel #1. My other goal is to get my work out there and move into publishing some of this stuff.  That's another post at another time about courage and sharing your work!!

WTF - Wellness Exam

The docs over at Grandfather Clinic did some type of bait and switch on me.  I planned my morning thinking the kiddos were getting a 15 minute flu shot.  (I know, many people say this doesn't help at all, but whatever)

We checked in, and the receptionist handed me a book resembling the Dictionary.

"Is this the Dictionary of Medical Terms?" I asked.
"No, it's the paperwork you have to fill out for their Wellness Exam." She replied looking at me like, "lady your joke isn't funny at all."

"I'll need each paper filled out for each child."  Goodbye Pisgah National Forest.

Finally, we sit with the doctor, he starts with, "We are doing a Wellness Exam, let's start with a few behavior questions OK?"  I'm thinking, "Uh oh, this could be the social services stuff nightmares are made of. I didn't school them on the we are five servings of fruits and vegetables, no sugar, vegan, gluten free range type of family."

The first question, "Do you feel sad sometimes?"  My son of course says, "Yes."  I'm thinking, don't say yes, they will think you have depression. Then I argue in my head, doesn't everyone feel sad sometimes?  Seriously, the answer should be yes.  I mean I never got my second cup of coffee this morning and I'm sad thinking about that. The doctor asks my son what he feels sad about, he simply says, "I don't know."

"I don't know?" Oh we are so going to fail this Wellness test.

"How about sitting still, do you have a problem with sitting still?" Really?  He's a boy, they all have problems with sitting still. My son is smart enough saying, "Not really. I do like running."  Good answer sweetie.

"Do you do after school activities?" They both shake their heads, don't they realize I'm a Mom Fail if they are not active? Wrong answer. The doctor rewords it, "Do you have friends?" I'm laughing thinking, real or imaginary? Both say yes, then look at me like, "what does after school activities have to do with friends?" I just shrug.

"Do you participate in Sports?" I'm beginning to think we are the lame family, as we are not answering any of these questions correctly. My son makes me feel better, asking, "Does snowboarding and mountain biking count?" Add a few points to the Melangs, we have this questionnaire down!

"How many sugary drinks do you drink a day?" He looks over to me, knowing if he answers correctly the doctor will tell him that is too much I'll be cutting back on the drinks. I see the wheels turning, his mind saying, "What is an appropriate amount of sugar drinks?" He looks at the doctor, "3, I think?" The doctor nods, good answer honey, we are halfway through the questionnaire.

"Are you a picky eater?" He asks, I immediately answer in my head, "not when it comes to different types of candy." My son looks over to me, "I like eating cereal." Great job, you didn't specify what type of cereal, he doesn't have to know it is Sugar Pops.

Then we move onto the easy ones, "How many bowel movements do you have?" My son looks at me, we've never called it a bowel movement, we poop. "Pretty much daily, he's pretty regular," I answer as my son's face turns red.

Luckily for us, I think we answered all the questions correctly because no one from Social Services was waiting at the entrance to the Pediatrician's office as we left. I ask the older son, "What did you answer on that test?"

He looks at me, "Mom, you saw the big CONFIDENTIAL on the folder right?"

So we eat our veggies, are sad sometimes, not in any after school sports, like to mountain bike and snowboard and poop on a regular basis.

Thank God that questionnaire was not for me!!

School Lunch - What are your kids throwing away?

DISCLAIMER: I am not a nutritionist. These are my suggestions. If you are a nutritionist, then stop reading now.

Without you realizing it, your child has a lot of control over what they eat for lunch at school.  Whether you pack a lunch for them, or they bring the tray from the cafeteria what stays in front of them and what ends up in the trash is truly their decision.  I used to think that cafeteria lunches were the easiest option (for me) until I went for lunch with my son in elementary school.

What I saw on the tray was not the most appetizing meal, sure it had some nutritional value (the pizza was on whole wheat crust) but I was appalled watching almost every single one of the children throw away the fruit on their tray.  Why?  Because served with today's lunch was an orange.

Not cut, not peeled, just an orange.

What is an elementary school child to do with this?  I watched some bite into it, grimacing at the sour taste, while others just rolled it on the table in front of them.  So I decided, I had to make something they would actually eat.  How do you determine what a child will eat at lunch?

1.  It has to be easy. Lunch time for children is a socialization time.  Their mind is not focused on their food, it is free talking with their buddies!  Make sure everything in the lunch box is a no brainer, easy to open, something they don't have to look at and wonder what it is.

2.  Make it edible.  If you are adding an apple, take a minute at home cutting it up.  This makes it easier during lunch time, most children do not have the attention span of eating an entire apple.  I usually cut half for the lunchbox, half for me.  That way the entire apple is eaten. Melons should be cut into bitesize chunks, packing the silverware does not mean they will use it, smaller chunks keep chins and such from getting sticky when biting into a larger piece of fruit.

3.  Crusts or to not crust the sandwich.  There was a 2002 study stating that the cancer fighting antioxidants baked into bread were 8 times greater in the crust, then there was my mother saying "If I ate the crust my hair would turn curly."  Just remember, if your child does not like the crust, leaving it on means they will take two to three bites of the INSIDE of the sandwich leaving the rest, cutting the crust means the entire sandwich is eaten. Or, if there isn't a crust debate in your home, don't even start one, leave the crust on.

4. Watch your sugar. Most times, the largest amount of sugar in the lunchbox is in the drink.  Many schools do not allow soft drinks in lunches, but watch the sugars of non carbonated drinks.  Remember that some energy drinks contain caffeine and sugar, meant to be used during or after a workout, not when sitting and eating lunch. One of the easiest things to get down my children is the flavored water, the best would be just water, but we're still working on that battle. One of the benefits of the cafeteria is fresh milk daily, another great choice for your child.

5. Make it fun. I've seen to the completely off the board healthy lunches, where every child is looking in the box saying, "What is that?" Don't single your child out with an over the top lunch, they may not eat it because of the ribbing from friends.  I'm not saying to not have fun. My one son loves sushi, so one morning I tossed that in his lunch! He came home from school laughing at all his friends "ewwing" that he was eating fish!

6. Add in the tradable.  Some schools do not allow trading items from lunch boxes but if yours does, I always add in the small sweet "tradable" treat. If you have the time, make those chocolate chip cookies at home with your child, if you can't add in something small and sweet - gummies, cookies, cake. This is a fun time of lunch when everyone evaluates what the other has and in some cases, trades around.

7. Your thermos is your lifeline. Most children will eat sandwiches, but consider the benefit of investing in a nice thermos. Anything left over from dinner can be lunch the next day.  Monday is my soup making day, I'll make two types of soups and put them in the thermos during the week  Sometimes if I have nothing in the house, I can heat up a frozen meal (my children like chicken fried rice) and throw that in the thermos.  The only problem I have with thermoses is when they are forgotten at school for a week and of course I'm in charge of the hazmat material.

Finally, if you want, leave them that note of encouragement.  Most elementary school children love finding a note in their lunch box, Middle and High School they say they don't, but I beg to differ.  I misspelled a word on a joke I wrote on a note and my High Schooler called me on it!

Remember, lunch is the middle refueling of your child's airplane, make good choices and they will fly through the second half of their day with a full tank!

My Childhood - Darwin at Work

When I was a kid, and no, we didn't walk 28 miles in the snow both ways up hill to school.  We were much more creative than that on ways we could die.  It is amazing that some of us lived into adulthood, and actually procreated - guess some of us are outwitting Darwin.

Truth or Dare.  This was not the sweet game you see on TV where the girls ask you if you kissed Johnny Angel or not.  Our truth or dare usually involved some type of life threatening issue - mixing concoctions from the spice cabinet and making the younger siblings drink it.  "Some on it only has ketchup, hot sauce, pepper, mustard, vinegar and something I found hidden in Mommy's room called cyanide.  Drink it or YOU LOSE!"

The Slap Game.  We didn't have video games, or even videos.  We invented the "slap game" that's where one sibling would slap the other's thigh as hard as they could.  Who won?  If you didn't scream, (which didn't happen too often) then you won.  If you did scream?  Mom's angry hand came back into the back seat for the first head of hair to pull - insert little sister here.

Make Mom a Drink.  Sure I've heard, "I always have to get up and get you a glass of wine."  Well, when I was a kid, we made DRINKS.  I remember making martini once for an elderly uncle at my Dad's 50th birthday party and one relative mentioning, "Look at Dick our there.  I've never seen him play football with all the nephews."

Same stupidity gene, but we survived it.  I think that population control puts a gene in all kids to see if they are strong enough to survive it.  The gene that makes the certain things a great idea:
Riding down the tallest hill in the neighborhood on a tricycle with no breaks.
Trying to do a front flip out of the second story of a house they were building because the pile of dirt underneath looked "soft."  (Ripped both sides of my Toughskins when I landed and limped back home)

King Of The Hill.  A large rock on the hill that whomever stood on was "King."  It was everyone else job to dethrone the King by whatever means possible.  It meant throwing them off the rock, pushing, taking the burning tree limb and touching them with it to just doing what I did, while everyone else was belting it out to be king, I'd sneak over to the rock and stand on it pronouncing, "I am King!"

Survival of the Fittest.  We'd run into the peach orchard behind out back yard, take friends as far as possible, then listen for the dog chains of the Farmer's dogs.  We'd all run, the slowest, we figure, becoming dog bait.  Not sure if the dogs actually existed but it did make me a better runner later in life.

Lazy Days on the Beach.  All the parents sat in a circle on the beach on weekends, drinking highballs while we floated lazily out to sea on large tire tubes or boogie boards.  And that one time I had to be saved by the lifeguard?  Well, since they were to busy chatting with the neighbors and didn't see it, well it didn't happen.  Cute lifeguard let me walk away (wouldn't do that now.)

Long Drives and Safety.  Sure there were seat belts in the car, but what were they for.  They didn't not work for us kids as on long drives, one would lie across the floorboard, one across the seat (the one that won the luck of the draw) and one would lie across the back window.  How comfortable is that?

See with all that destruction, we all survived.  Sure there is a few pins in the head, and a year I don't remember clearly from falling off the bike without a helmet on, but here we are.

What are your kids doing to try out Darwin's theory that you haven't noticed?

SMH Edition - parents edition

My parents crack me up.  They have their little quirks that sometimes make me shake my head.

Current problem.

They have a little brush that they like to run across the dryer lint filter.  Are you asking what I am thinking, why do they have a brush to do it.  Is it a specific "This Is Your Dryer Lint Brush" or some idea that my father in law came up with?  Maybe seeing the brush reminds them each and every time to clean out the lint filter for the dryer.

Add another item to the laundry room and you're asking for trouble.  Of course, it has happened already.

They dropped the brush down the dryer vent.

Yep, it went clear down the vent.  To the bottom.

And you can hear it banging away every time they turn on the dryer.

Call to the sons for a rescue:

One spent half an hour with a yard stick and a broom trying to reach the little brush and get it out of the dryer vent.  "I took most of the dryer apart trying to get to it, I couldn't reach it."

No luck.

Call the other son.  The "Tool Man." And yes, he has the right tool.  He has a long "grabby" thing that he thinks will grab the brush and liberate it from the bottom of the dryer vent.

Of course my father in law now has had to wait a day for the arrival of the grabby.  During this weight everything in the house must go into the dryer, and each time he turns the dryer on we can hear a "Dammit" heard from the washing room as the banging in the dryer starts.  I am pretty sure he didn't sleep last night, worrying about the brush and how to get it out of the dryer.

This morning, they are still worrying about the brush, so we get the phone call, "What time is your brother coming with the 'tool?"  You know they got up, forgot about the brush, turned on the dryer to banging followed by a "Dammit!"

"Not sure."

"We have a doctor's appointment today."

"OK, is it for you or Dad?"

"You know, I'm not sure."

"Well, what time is it?"

"Funny, I'm not sure about that either."

So hopefully there's a completed set of doctor's appointments, and brush sitting back on the dryer by the end of the day today.

Of course, they'll start using it again to "brush" the lint off of the dryer, lying it back in the same exact place.

And we all know where the brush will end up.  Now don't we.

How to Piss Off the Frozen Crowd - or, Let It Go!

Halloween is quickly approaching, and talking with several little girls excited about the holiday, I'm surprised how many are planning on dressing as Elsa.

You know they are coming.  No not the Walking Dead.  The Walking Elsas.

The movie Frozen playing out in your front yard.

Oh, we are going to see a lot of Elsa's.  So many that "Let it Go" may be forever etched on our mind after this year's holiday.

How do you combat the walking army of Elsa coming your way and still enjoy Halloween?  How can you keep all that candy you bought for yourself out of the hands of the little Frozen Queens?


Be creative with your trick or treaters.  Here's some ideas:

Open the door and become frozen.  Not the movie, but really Frozen.  Stand there frozen until the child gets ticked off and walks off your porch.  (More candy for you)

Answer the door saying, "Oh look it's Anna."  When they correct you say, "Oh I know, you're Ariel!"  When they get mad say, "OK, I get it you're Cinderella, she wore silver like that!"  Watch them walk off mad.  (more candy for you)

Get your own magic wand out and as you answer the door yell, "I got to you first!!"  Then slam the door.  (more candy for you)

Turn the heat up in the house to 89 degrees, open the door and say, "Sorry, can't freeze anything in here!"

Find a deer statue, spray paint it white, set it in the front yard.  Answer the door yelling, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"  If she runs away screaming then (more candy for you.)

Answer the door, holding a sword, saying, "Hi, I'm Prince Hans!"  Watch them run away.  (more candy for you)


Look at that little Elsa muttering, "My ex wife is colder than you."  Watch the parent pull the child away.  (more candy for you)

Open the door, saying, "Anna was way cooler!"  Watch her leave crying.  (More candy for you)

Learn the lyrics to the Frozen song, the real ones, "Do you want to hide a body?  Before it starts to decay?"  If she starts singing the other lyrics, run screaming back into your house.  (More candy for you)

Finally as you fight the 1,543,907th Elsa for your bowl of candy, simply scream:

"LET IT GO!"

(more candy for you)

If you are more interested in the liquid carbohydrates or candy.  Play this game:

The Frozen game.  Take a shot of ice cold vodka every time Elsa shows up at your door.  Believe me, after the 15th Elsa you will be singing Let It Go and thinking you sound pretty damn good!

We Have Gnomes in Our House

Two pesky little creatures called "Not Me" and "I don't know."

It is amazing how much trouble these little guys can get into.

They are very hungry little gnomes.  They love drinking all of the orange juice and leaving the empty container in the fridge.
  
If I get mad at them for doing this, they leave the full container in the fridge with the lid barely on so I douse myself with orange juice pulling it from the fridge.

They don't like my hardwood floors, feeling that they would look so much better with a nice covering of used candy wrappers.  Which is easy to do because they always drop them sticky side down so they won't move when my boys walk over them and cement them better to the floor.

I think they are afraid of kitchen elves, because they leave every single cabinet door wide open.  If could be to better see what's in there without the bothersome exercise of opening a cabinet door, or to protect themselves from any creative gnome trickery.

They both are raging fashionistas because no human, really.  No human.  Can try on and dump the amount of clothing sitting on my sons' bedroom floors.

I think they sleep with the Apple TV remote, because for some reason the only place I consistently find it is tucked under the cushions of the couch, after spending 15 minutes looking for it everywhere else.

I haven't caught a glimpse of them yet, still looking under each candy wrapper as I carefully peel it from the floor but no sight of them yet.

I know they are still here.

Someone left a nice big turd in the toilet.