Famous Last Words

There are many times in life when you think, "Maybe this is not a good idea," but go ahead anyway.  Here are a few famous last words, take heed because when you hear them, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

"I know you have curly hair, the perm will put control in it.  Hold on, let me read the directions."

This is what my mother said, when, at sixteen, she talked me into a perm.  I am sure the directions didn't say make a part down the middle, roll away from the part with small rollers, leave it in too long.  Needless to say, it was not fun at sixteen, to have hair that looked like pubic hair on my head in the shape of Bozo the clown.

"This going to hurt me more that it hurts you."

This is usually followed by some type of torture.  A sibling holding the hot sauce to your tongue, a friend look at at the fish hook in your finger holding pliers, to the husband holding your hand as you realize the epidural didn't work and the doctor is saying, "It's time to push!"

"Don't move."

Again, this means pain.  The bee sitting on your nose as your sister holds the fly swatter, the snake next to your foot, or the toddler holding the snake out to you saying, "LOOK!  WORMS!"  William Tell coined this phrase using his little brother as a test subject on his Apple Arrow experiment.  Sadly, no one remembers the brother's name.

"Hold my beer."

I have yet to see any good idea started with this saying.  This usually ends with the person originally holding the beer, left holding the beer as the ambulance takes their friend to the ER.

"Don't worry, it's easy."

This usually means you'll be nursing cuts from the run/bike or standing lost on the side of a mountain with the only quick way available means scaling the side of some cliff.


"Three easy payments."

Your interest free offer is a setup.  They make it difficult to make the first payment, and when you hit their 15 day grace period they jack up the interest to 20%.  Of course you called several times trying to get an account number, they consider that giving information away to the enemy.



"I'm sorry I did not understand you."

This is that robotic voice usually leading the caller to throw down the phone and go out into your backyard and throw stuff around.  Then to accept that you will be lost in automatic customer service hell for the next hour and go back to your phone.

"Please wait."

This could be a computer program downloading, a customer service representative for Pure Romance, or the hostess at Cracker Barrel.  It is best to not think about life passing you buy and it could make you go back outside and throw things around.

"Momma, I love you."

Sure it's sweet, but there is always an ulterior motive behind this.  What follows is usually a WTF type statement like, "Can I use your crock pot to melt neon paint for my skateboard," or, "I'm not sure why your phone isn't working anymore."  The depth of the love statement is directly correlated to what they are requesting of you.

There are many famous last words, the only one I will take any time, anywhere are the "I love you's."

Of course, I usually follow them with, "Ummm, no."

WTF - My Smartphone has made me a better person

I knew there was a reason I had to upgrade and move into the latest century with my iPhone5c.  And no, it was not the talk to text feature!  Here's ways my Smartphone has made me a better person.


Energy Conservation - texting saves reams of paper in notes AND the person doesn't have to be there to get the message - a good one OR a bad ome..

Flexibility - I have impressed my husband with some new moves learned while trying to catch a signal.

Adaptability - especially when my phone acts like a have a great signal until I dial a number and it goes, "Oh psych, you have extended network."

Learn New Languages - Texting has become a language all in its own.  I now understand what my BFF is doing when she is "C U L8TR BC I M ROFL W BFF OVR TXT FRM X."  And I can reply "KKK" and she will not think I am part of the Klu Klux Klan.

Psychic - When my BFF texts me, "Live young gnu blossom."  I totally understand her auto correct language replying, "I live gnu blossom took."  (I love your new blouse too)

Read a Map - yes, the person who cannot find her way out of a paper bag can now read a map.  You'll learn too when you let Apple Maps try to get you someplace and end up in the middle of no where with little gas and a phone that says, "Psych, you don't have a signal."

Patience with my children - because they always have to fix my phone.  Or better yet, "set it up for me," which is code language for "you'll never be able to find anything."

Healthier - I have apps that remind me to drink water, what mileage I need to run, a healthy alternative to dinner, when to pluck my chin hairs.  I'll never be unhealthy again - my phone won't let me.

Coordination - there are smart phones everywhere.  Try to limit the amount of footage of you out there falling to a bare minimum.  Unless the falls are epic.

Stronger - you'd be surprised at the definition in my arms from all the selfies I take.

Build Better Relationships - because I can see all the epic fails by people in their Facebook postings and learn what NOT to do!

My phone has made me a better person, I am sure there are more rewards coming down the pike as I actually learn how to use it!

The Blue Shorts

Parents can sometimes be sadists.  What person in their right mind would look at 4 children and think, I need to pile these kids into an un-airconditioned car and drive somewhere for 14 hours.  Yes, that is the perfect way to spend quality family time."

We did it anyway, and our car was air conditioned because my mother didn't believe in air conditioners, that it wasted money running them in the car when you could put the windows down.  Where did we go from Baltimore, MD - to "The Happiest Place On Earth."  14 hours to Disney World, and to make it even more interesting, we'd add my grandmother to the mix.  The family car consisted of my father driving, my mother in the middle holding a baby with my grandmother next to her.  The remaining three of us were left to our own devices in the back seat.

Kids can become creative about life in the back seat of a car when the phone, DVD players, computers and gamers are not around.  We taped the Star Trek episodes and played the cassettes on our trips.  We played the "slap game," a willing participant would lay open their bare leg, for a sibling to slap it as hard as they could, the goal being a win if you didn't scream.  If you did scream, that would prompt the adults in the front of the car to either pull over and beat you or to reach back for someone's hair because your scream was timed perfectly to when the baby finally fell asleep.

Sleeping during those long road trips was a child's way of fast forwarding the time.  Close your eyes and on the short trips by the time you woke up - you where there.  On the long trips, it was time you didn't have your sister bugging you.  Back in the days when no one wore a seat belt, one child took the seat, another the floor board while the youngest laid in the back window.  Imagine our thoughts now if we passed a car with a child laying in the back window?

The only escape from sweat and smell was to roll down the windows, and this kept my mother happy.  That was when I could fly, put my hand out the window and scoop the air, letting it move my arm up and down to some internal rhythm while my mind pictures my body about the clouds and in a place that smelled much better.

We always did this drive in the winter, gauging how far we've gone by the layers of clothing ditched to the floorboard.  On one particular drive, the one that is still known as the "blue Bermuda Shorts" drive, my father wore a pair of sky blue polyester shorts, and I am not using the word "wore" lightly.  My Dad, being a simple man, if he liked it then he wore it - a lot, and sometimes that was not a good thing.

The first few days with the shorts passed uneventfully.  Spending days out in the Florida heat riding Space Mountain, going down the Jungle Cruise.  Every single picture from that trip has my Dad wearing those blue shorts.

Riding in the car back from Cypress Gardens, we all decided to stop at a local restaurant and grab a bite to eat.  My Dad was the first one out of the car with the prospect of food.  As he jumped out, everyone in the car looked to each other as we wrinkled our nose.  My younger sister quietly whispered, "What is that smell?"  The baby made a noise so we all figured it was her.

After the restaurant and again in the car, Dad announced that we had to stop and get gas.  He got up to pump the gas and everyone looked around again.  "Did someone fart?"  My brother asked.

It took two more stops and another day before we realized it was the Blue Bermuda Shorts.  Kids forget things very easily as we played games like, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it.  Whoever denied it supplied it." He stopped to pump some more gas and we all looked at the drivers seat.

It was Dad.
And THOSE blue Bermuda Shorts.

We confirmed this observation when Dad stopped and got out to check us into the hotel.  How do children deal with the prospect of telling their Father his shorts stuck?  Only in a kid kind of way.

"Do you think he knows?"
""Sure, he has to..."
"What about grandmom, why hasn't she said anything?"
"She's old, she probably can't smell anymore."
"Mom has the baby, she's used to that kind of smell."
"Oh God, here he comes, hold your nose!"

My Dad not only wore those shorts during our vacation, but he wore them the whole way home.  He got out of the car to pump gas, and one of us was woken out of our nap by the smell.  We stopped for souvenirs  at South of the Border and everyone jumped out of the car before he got up.  Even as we rode past the Mason/Dixon line we begged my mother to keep the windows "cracked" because the "fresh air was good for us."

And the shorts?

They walked themselves into the washing machine the minute he changed out of them into his slacks.  And they sat in the drawer until that next road trip.

We brought clothes pins.

WTF - What The Friday - Oh Google Image Search

I've been learning a few things from Google that I thought I would pass on to you.

Words you should not use when doing a Google Image Search:

Kitties, cat or worse yet - pussy cat - I never knew there were so many teenage girls out there taking nude selfies of themselves

Death Mask - not only will you get more naked teenagers but you will see the entire back of JFK's head missing.

Any bug - bed bugs, lice, brown recluse, fleas - you will get way more visuals than you ever need.

Any medical condition - not only will you get the nastiest pictures you could ever see, but most of the details explains you only 3-6 months left to live with that dandruff condition.  And don't ever, ever google mucus plug.

Walmart - hey, I was just looking for phone number but the images that popped up now are giving me  nightmares.

Fat - not phat, but fat.  Again there are people out there taking naked selfie that you really don't want to see.  Number one website that pops up?  Belly fat.....really?

Waffles - especially when you are being specific - I accidentally typed in Blue Waffles instead of blueBERRY waffles.

The biggest WTF is the entire threads dedicated to terms you should not google search, so what do I do - I search a few of them-prolapse and girl in the bathtub...

Yeah, that's enough for me.

Don't search them.
Keep your safe search on.

Didn't I tell you not to search them?

And of course, you always have to google yourself.  Wonder why this picture came up?

Why Don't you LIKE me?

Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in stats.

How many people liked what I wrote.  Did anyone share it?

Why don't they like this, it's pretty hilarious to me.

I can get many positive comments, why am I holding onto the negative ones?

Then I read a quote this morning that makes a lot of sense, "Write like an orphan."

Write what I need to say, and don't agonize over the notifications.

Don't get bogged down by stats that look like you are falling off a cliff on the number of hits.

Create what I need to create, say what I need to say.

Don't read the reviews, don't analyze the comments.

Put it out there.

Move On.

There's better things to do.

Happy Birthday Mom!

My mother would have been, let's see, I have no idea old today.  She always hated that her birthday was 4 days after Christmas, which prompted all of us to have specific birthday gifts - not the usual, "This is for Christmas AND your birthday!"

I miss my Mom on her birthday, more than most days.  As a birthday gift for her, here's a few things about my Mom that make me smile.

1.  Every holiday we'd bring a nice (not our usual 2 buck chuck) wine for the holiday dinner.  My mother would accept it and say, "Wow, this is wonderful, let me put it in the refrigerator now so it's nice and cold for dinner."  You know what, we never said anything just drank cold Zinfindel.

2.  We had a golden retriever named Red that went to obedience school three times and never listened to any of us.  Except one time, he jumped out of the window in a moving car on the highway and my mother chased him down Rt 29 until she yelled in her Mom Voice, "Red SIT!"  Surprise to everyone, he actually sat.

3.  We had a terrific wind storm at our neighborhood the day one of my neighbors decided or his wife made him get rid of his Playboy collection.  His trash can fell over and the magazines flew all over the neighborhood.  I can see my mother out in her raincoat, golashes, big winter hat walking up and down the street collecting all those pictures of naked girls.  I never told her my brother found them in our trash can and SOME of them ended up in his tree house in the woods.

4.  My mother actually took me to the doctor when mosquito bites appeared on my chest.  She was afraid I had cancer, he said it was boobies.  After a few therapy sessions later in my life, I can laugh about it now.

5.  Taking a Twin Otter from Mainland Ireland to the Aran Islands and they had to weigh everyone BEFORE they boarded the plane.  On a Shorts 330 from Miami to the Bahamas she leaned over and whispered to me, "My Volkswagon has more aerodynamics than this thing."

6.  Dr. Norma always fixed a broken doll - broken from a fight between girls that involved yanking the doll between them until an arm was pulled off, or when SOMEONE got mad enough to stand by the couch and slam the doll against it until the head popped off (and not a one of us became a serial killer, go figure)  She never wore the uniform and most of our real bumps and bruises prompted the question, "Well I guess we could just cut the arm off?"

7.  The first time she met my husband we had been out to a party and she threw him out of the house, throwing beer cans at him as he walked down the street.  The second time she met him, he wrecked his car right before dinner, left the car and came to meet us, picking glass out of his suitcoat.  But obviously she liked him, (he lived with my family so far) because of her last notes said, "You two are made for each other...."  She was right even if they didn't get off to a good start.  (The showing up with a van to move me out before we were married didn't help either)

Growing up in the coal country of PA, my Mom taught me hard word and honesty will get you far, and don't take anything off of anyone.  She also worked out every day until she couldn't.  Finally, she always worked at bettering herself, to going back to school and demanding promotions.

I wish my Mom was around so I could ask her questions that I wouldn't ask anyone else, something like, "I don't remember you being this bitchy when your menopause started, is there something wrong with me?"  Or how do you make it through those wild feelings of waking up and your kids are grown, how did you handle that?  Or remember those nutty rolls, they've never been the same, can you write that recipe down for me again?  Finally, I really miss those girls trips when we all let our hair down and talked about anything and everything, especially these questions---obviously deleted here.

Here's to a great Mom, and a great birthday.  The only person brave enough to go up to the Sister that was principle at our school and tell her she was, "snowing in the south."  Those that get it, get it.

Much love, Kels

Oh by the way, happy birthday to my bestie - Nicole, you share the same values as a great person!!!

The Vortex that is our Home

There is this great sucking vortex that we call our home, and it keeps taking things that are near and dear to us and holding them hostage.  I am close to giving my soul to it....

It started small, I'd put socks in the dryer and only one would return, the other sucked into the great black hole.

I would put all the socks in a laundry bag, and still it would cackle because when I processed the bag, a stupid sock was STILL missing.

Then it moved to bigger things and it got crafty....

My favorite pen, and as a writer we all know how much we covet the right office supply, disappears from my desk, as I search frantically my son makes me feel better,

-Where did you put it last?

-If I knew that then I'd have it in my hand, now wouldn't I?

-Why do you need THAT pen?

-You wouldn't understand, your brain understands Math.

I give up on the pen, but it becomes more stealthy.  That little nut (no, not me) the little nut (no not my children) the little nut I found on the ground, sat on the counter for 3 months, because being organized, I realized it belonged to something, that item had not yet appeared.  So when my child asks, "My easel will not hold the paper," I stand up triumphantly, "That's because it is missing a nut, I know exactly where it is."

Gone.  I am left wandering around like a zombie, muttering, "It was right there.  I saw it every day.  The vortex has taken the only nut I ever wanted (well not the only one, and I am left with a few nuts.)


It taunts me, laughing maniacally as my husband asks, "Where is the directions that go with my new charger (top to my pen, notebook, headphones, cord)"

-I saw it over on the table in the dining room.

He wanders for a little bit then comes back, "It's not there."

"Try the kitchen pantry," I say.

My son tries to help, "If you put it in the same place every time, it will always be there."

Husband does not want his own words now repeated back to him as he is looking for stuff.

He wanders again and comes back, "You're just trying to get rid of me to read for a while by sending me on a wild goose chase, aren't you."

I look at him, thinking - shoot, why hadn't I thought of that sooner?

He gives up, "I'm getting older, spending all my time looking for shit."  I look at him, the Vortex is aging him, it is aging me, it is gaining on us, growing bigger, is that a sucking sound I hear?

Tonight, the Vortex is winning.  We've all turned into zombies..

My son wanders the living room mumbling, "has anyone seen my iPod?"

My other son wanders the kitchen, "I lost the markers, are they in the pantry?"  He goes there and disappears, the Vortex has some sort of entry door in the pantry and he is gone.  I hope it deposits him back in time to go to bed.

My husband wanders mumbling to himself, "a remote has to be somewhere near the television." As Nickelodeon plays very loudly in the backgound.

Me?  I stumbling around on one shoe, I've lost the mate to my favorite Dansko clog and I'm still convinced it may give me back my favorite Sharpie pen if I give up on the clogs.

But the Vortex, it is cruel, it simply laughs.....

How to tell summer vacation is coming to an end!

1.  You hear yourself say, "Oh?  What's that?  A stove?  What?  You mean you want me to do something with it?"

2.  You're contemplating a taser because the approach of EARLY mornings has you very, very afraid.

3.  You're back to reading nutrition books, trying to remember the four food groups - realizing they are not pizza, burgers, watermelon and sweet tea.

4.  You've vacationed in beautiful places, and come home realizing you have WAY too much clutter.

5.  Wondering how everyone outgrew their clothes over the summer - including yourself!

6.  Have this strange obsession with office supplies - trying to find the perfect mechanical pencil.

7.  The beach chairs are going back on the shelf in the closet, the Thigh Master is being pulled back out.

8.  You walk through cobwebs in your own home, not I haven't cleaned cobwebs, but I haven't been here in a while cobwebs.

9.  Your children actually say, "I'm sick of going to the pool."

10.  You actually cry at the thought of dropping them off on that first day of school - with joy.

What Skeletons are in YOUR closet?

I feel that I have to come clean, this stomach bug that I have makes me feel as if I am about to die so in order to make it in front of St. Peter, I’m spilling the beans

1. I refuse to eat Okra, its gooey inside reminds me of, well, you know.I took Splenda from Panera, yes, I did it.  I justified it with the thought that since I just paid 3.52 for a cup of coffee I can add 4 extra Splendas to my pocket to bring the tally a little closer to even.
2. Sometimes I don’t listen to my children because honestly, with some of their stories, I really don’t care.  I do always listen to my husband.  (I think he actually reads my blogs)
3. I still eat Captain Crunch and Twinkies even if I pretend to be ultra fit in my eating habits.
4. Life goes a little easier at night with a glass of wine.
5. I still have a few books left over from my foray into into erotic writing, complete with one of my favorite bodice ripping romance novel of all time.
6. I don’t get the draw of a lot of Classical Literature, give me a good old Stephen King anyday.
7. I have an addiction to office supplies, show me a new pen made from recycled plastic bottles and I’ll have a Big O.
8. I hate people who workout much less than I do and say, “it’s hard to find a size 2 these days,” while I work my ass off and in the morning it’s come back to visit me with fat friends.
9. I will pay another $15 when Fast and Furious 15 comes out because to me it’s money well spent.

Well I feel much better now, really, my stomach is feeling much better.  So much better than I’ll follow this list with the disclaimer that none of it is true.  Do you have any “untrue” confessions in your life?

Oh Block When Did You Arrive?

The blinking cursor mocks, the keyboard taunts,

The image I want to write in my mind it haunts.

To start, to put the first word is fleeting,

Like that nervous first greeting.

Will it come out right, will it come out at all.

Is it block or is this just a stall.

Am I afraid, that what finally hits is simply junk,

What if everything I write just stunk?

The easiest thing to do is walk away,

Save all that writing for a better day.

When i’m fresh, when the feeling is new,

When I can sit and know exactly what to do.

But I don’t quit, I don’t know that word,

I quell the voice and the defeat I thought I heard.

I type the first word and stare,

Knowing that to survive I must write like I don’t care.

Get it out, get it down just do what I do,

To my heart, to my self be true.

For as a writer, the hardest is the start,

For the world to see inside your heart.

Once I start  I can now continue

Opening and breathing air through a new window.

Block you beast you did you best,

Now go hide until the next time you test.