WTF - Writing, I am your mistress....

Dear Writing:

I did you yesterday.

I did you again yesterday afternoon.

I did you while my children were watching Spongebob.

I even snuck out of bed last night and did you again.

You have no idea how much I want to do you.

You tease me when I am not in the mood, make me do you anyway.

You ask me to whip it out at the most inappropriate times of the day!

Why are you not satisfied? You're always telling me to insert this here, add some stimulation there. And then you make me feel bad because I'm just not in the mood. Well if you are limp, then it is really hard to get in the mood, you know? Sometimes you tell me I suck, and then you laugh.

When I try really hard, you won't come with me. When I try to walk away, you beg me to stay. You're always on my mind. I think of you when I'm alone. I fantasize about you when I'm supposed to do yoga? You haunt my dreams, whispering, "You need more excitement, try this." When I do, you ignore me, make me beg for more.  When I'm quiet, all I hear is, "Why just sit there when you can do me?" Why can't we be just be together, no strings attached? 

I never hear any encouragement from you, not even a "job well done" or "that was perfect, do it that way again" all I hear is your silence. Then you say, "I want more, do it again." You never hear me when I tell you my needs, not realizing everything I sacrifice to please you.  You mock me as I beg for more.

Is there no end to this relationship? Will we forever be trying? How can I make you happy?

You just demand more and more from me, begging me not to stop.

I like it.

I guess it's time to do you again.

How do you handle old girlfriends?

My children have the routing gene - passed down from me.  My grandmother used to call me her router, I loved to go through boxes in the attic, drawers of costume jewelry in her bedroom looking of treasures.  The boys know their treasure trove is in the boat garage, boxed up and waiting for them.  They pulled out old Piedmont Airlines memorabilia - note cubes, eye glass cleaners, T-shirts.  Then they found a box of letters,  yellowing papers, faded pen, judging from the neatness, from a girl.

"Dear Jeff:  Why haven't you called me?  You said our love would last forever, but now every time I see you with Tammy I can't stand it....."

The boys start laughing, I look over at Jeff and there's a hint of blush as he says, "What?  Where did they come from?"

"Jeff:  Ever since I started working at the Western Sizzling, I'm glad we've become friends, I hope we can be more than friends."

They are letters from girls from his teenage years, love letters replying to letters he wrote to them.

"Jeff, remember when it snowed?  I loved what we did out in the snow."

Jeff looks at me laughing, "Jeez!"

The boys keep reading and I smile.  The letters are funny (when did it really snow in Winston) and sad (why didn't he call her back) but they are "pre-me."  I look at the boys and say, "See, Daddy was one hot dude, all the girls loved him.  I was lucky enough to get him."

He smiles at me as they read the one passage that makes us all laugh, "Jeff remember when you wrote on a note to me, 'Do you have any love left?  Well heat it up because I LOVE leftovers."  I didn't get the leftovers, I got the main course!

What would you do if love letters from the past resurfaced?

How to get a snowday!

This comes after the fact of North Carolina getting FINALLY the snow that closed school this morning with BONE dry roads!  So if you really need a nice day off with the children, here's their take then the adult's take on how to get a snow day.

Child's View:  It order to get a snow day, make sure that all your homework is done, don't put anything off until tomorrow as that will ensure that you end up going to school.  The night before a snow day it's important to do a few important things - drop an ice cube in the toilet, then sleep with your pajamas inside out.  Say a quick prayer and go to bed on time, then wait until the phone call in the morning!

Adults - Spend your time up past midnight finishing up the Science Fair project that was due the next day ensures that the next day is a snow day.  Finish up the last of the bread, milk, toilet paper and beer the day before ensures that not only is it a snow day, but you'll be house bound staring at your children with nothing to eat or drink all day.  The less food in the house, the longer the snow lasts and the more time you spend "bonding" with the family in the house.

There you have it, how to have a snow day.....but as I finish this up, I don't have to do anything - tomorrow is another day off and we're completely out of milk and wine.....let me turn my pajamas inside out that maybe the superintendent will change her mind over night!  What do you do for a snow day?