Dear Kelly:It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas. I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.
1. I cannot come and clean your home. And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either. We are very busy this time of year. And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.
2. I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.
3. I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal. He'll have to do that all on his own.
4. Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day. Vin Diesel is busy too.
5. I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older. Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.
6. I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.
7. I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.
8. Are you sure you want that? I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!
9. I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.
10. I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.Sincerely, Santa
Dear Wolfgang,
I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.
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