WTF - Christmas Shopping Edition Part 2

Yep, December 5th and already I was receiving Christmas cards in the mail.

Who are these people?

Did they take their family pictures in July?  Because it takes us a few days, several bottles of bourbon and duct tape to get my kids to sit perfectly for the camera.

Are these the same people now boasting on Facebook?

Look I have my Christmas tree up.  Look I've even wrapped all my Christmas presents and strategically placed them under the perfect tree we put up as a family, sipping hot chocolate while listening to Christmas Carols together.  Without any fighting.

I explain to everyone listening that I cannot start Christmas shopping until the very last minutes because I have Gift Giving Syndrome.  This is an illness that manifests itself during the holidays as an uncontrollable urge to give away presents before the holiday.  Why?  Because I know they will LOVE my creative ideas and I can't wait until Christmas day.

Me?  I start a little slower.

I start the Christmas music after Thanksgiving, hoping this will get me into the mood.

I look at each family member, wondering, "What should I get them for Christmas?"

Then that quickly translates into, "Why should I get them something for Christmas?

Wouldn't the holiday of spreading good cheer be just that?  Spreading good cheer?

But I succumb to all of the Norelco sledding Santa adds and coincidently my bank account shows a positive balance and I go shopping.

Few things to keep in mind if you are like me and enjoy the last minute shopping.

1.  If you are shopping for your significant other on Amazon make sure their email is not the confirmation email.  Yep, gifting fail right there.

2.  Kids can smell wrapping paper.  If you want to keep your presents hidden, wrap in grocery store bags.  This will save you money.

3.  Shopping is always easier if you buy something for yourself in the process.  This makes going out shopping much easier.

Remember that Christmas Cheer starts at home.  Preferably the egg nog kind of cheer.  Chug a little of that before you go shopping and you'll be surprised at how quickly you are done, and how surprised you are Christmas day at your ingenuity when under the influence and present selection.  There's nothing like everyone, including you, being surprised as they open their presents.

So take that all you, my house is completely done, parents spreading the Christmas spirit.

If you are done, then there's plenty of time for you to come over and do my house.

Got it?  Spread a little more holiday cheer.

WTF - Holiday Gift Giving Edition

As we all know and several are breathing in a bag over - Christmas is less that two weeks away!  I thought I would share some great WTF gifts for your shopping pleasure!

Let's start with the decorations:  These are perfect.

The inflatable Christmas Wreath - perfect for the family expecting Granpa visiting and his hemmroidal problems.  This is a multi use decoration - wreath by day hemmroid pillow by night!

Who in the family doesn't like bacon?  How about bacon stockings!  That way they are still happy if they get coal, then can just cook the stockings using it!

Finally in preparation for the season, the perfect traveling pillow for that long plane ride.  The Farting Elf Neck Pillow!  It is the perfect way to ensure the seat next to you on that bus or train or plane will remain OPEN!

Now to Christmas Day:

For the outdoorsman in your life - think about the Noggin Net!  It's a hat, it's a fishing net.  Luckily the instructions that come with it include the warning to not use it as a hat when there is a fish or shark in the net.  

Think about it, 

"Earle, I got ONE!"

"Dang, I forgot the net!"

"Don't worry use my NOGGIN NET!"

"WTF?"

"Got it!"

Sounds of Earle and Darryl killing the fish.

"Gimme my hat back, my head is burning."

2 hours later

"Something smells fishy?"

You could always buy them the Birthing Doll see click here

Or if you're like me, you could always buy your husband this!

Picture this:

"Merry Christmas honey!"

He looks at it, "Advice, Meditations for men who have too much?"

"Just like you sweetie!"

"Is this a USED copy?"

He drops the book and runs to wash his hands.

Which may necessitate this gift for yourself - because you should always buy at least ONE thing for yourself!

 Happy Holidays from That Grey Area - may you enjoy all the sights, smells and chaos from a nice xanax induced fog.

What would you add to the list?

Christmas Carols - That Grey Area Style

Chest Nuts roasting on an open fire.
Cause someone left the toilet seat up.
"I'm sorry," being sung by a choir
As they pull her to stand up!

Everybody knows, a simple, "I'll wash clothes,"
Help to make the season bright,
Angry Moms stepping on tiny legos
Will find it hard to walk tonight.

They know that Mom's really pissed off,
She's  loaded with punishments on the way.
And every child is gonna cry.

To see if that will make Momma sigh?

And so, I'm offering you this simple idea,
To kids that want to live past 22
Alto, It's been said, many times, many ways.
"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you."

"Put the seat down."
"Or I'll hurt you!"

We need these holidays!!!

Special holidays that we like to celebrate:

Mother's Day Period - this once a month holiday starts with the Feast of Chocolate and ends with the Pouring of the Wine.  It is marked with the wearing of the Spankx during the parade of complaining.

Feast of the Go to Your Room - this holiday happens the second day of Spring Break.  Included with this holiday is the Go to Bed Without Dinner Fast and some countries handcuff or tie brothers together in celebration.


National Science Fair Marathon - this is a Spring holiday.  Starting on a Sunday night and running through 6am Wednesday morning.  The start of the holiday is when the the child remembers 8pm Sunday night that their Science Fair project is due the next morning.  Parent and child go four days without sleep culminating with the feast of the Triptich involving glue, glitter and vodka.

SpringTime Slimfest Fast - this holiday period begins early May marked by the first bikini commercial.  Many women mark the fast with the purchase of Nair, prozac and Slimfast.  It has roots  back to ancient times, when the virgin with the most weight was thrown in the well to satisfy the Gods, making women lose weight prior to the holiday to save their lives.  Now, women lose weight not to save their lives but to save their waistline.  Or to not be mistaken for beached whales in bikinis when not observing the holiday..

Summer Break Holiday - this holiday runs from June through August.  Many local children rub their faces with as much sugar as possible and wear a dumb look on their face signally the atrophy of the brains from lack of use.  Computer manufacturers mark the holiday with several new downloadable games at three easy payments of 3.99 while most liquor stores see a run on tequila and limes rather than wine and vodka.

Eclipse of the Children's Room - this event happens when the floor of the children's room becomes completely obscured either by the passing of clothing from drawers to the floor, or the number of towels from the bathroom.  A total eclipse of the floor happens when the mother peeks into the room, then slowly shuts the bedroom door.

And finally,

Mother's Day - originally the shortest holiday of the year, commencing once a child is born then ending 5 minutes later when the cord is cut.  The holiday now is one day a year and consists of the burning of the toast, the coffee surprise and the bed marathon.  the secret behind a successful Mothers Day is the little known sub holiday called The Five Minuter, 5 minutes of time alone in the bathroom with the door locked!!

Only 21 days left! Ack!

Everyone in the Christmas frenzy so I'm relaxing and doing what I do best, waiting until the last minute.  Just to help you along with all the shopping, I've decided to Kelly Melang style a few
Christmas Carols.

The Christmas Song

Chests and nuts popping out of inappropriate attire,
Bad smells nipping at my nose .
People pushing, each child a cryer,
As folks dressed up in anything goes.

Everybody knows a turkey and some PBR,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots strapped into the childproof plastic car,
Will try to find different parents tonight.

They know that Walmart's where they're stuck,
Mom's loaded lots of diapers and groceries in their truck,
And when it's time to leave every person is forming a line,
Behind the one and only open checkout sign!

And so if you're looking for some really great deals.
and you can't seem to handle a crowd.
Although it's been said you'll get a flat screen for a steal,
Stay out of Walmart, for crying out loud.