WTF - How My Elf is Lame

Everyone has that beautiful holiday tradition,  mine include drinking egg nog, making more egg nog, then wondering where all the egg nog went.

But I digress, everyone's now posting all their creative Elf on a Shelf pictures and I realized my Elf is lame.

First of all, we don't even have an Elf on a Shelf. I threw that hissy fit in the middle of the Barnes and Noble, "They want 25.95 for THAT? No way! I only have enough for a Gingerbread Spice Latte!"

So I figured we weren't elfing it, I mean I totally screwed up the Tooth Fairy, the first tooth falling out and all I had was a $20 bill in my wallet. I was taking out loans when both kids started losing teeth! Anything involving getting back up in the middle of the night, I wasn't doing it. I gave up getting up in the middle of the night when my kids did.

No way.  No how.

Then they guilted me into it. "Why don't we have an elf?" "Taylor's elf talks to Santa, no one talks to Santa about us? Why be good when no one tells Santa!" Insert two sad faces.

They had me there, why be good when there is no North Pole reporter? I had 25 days to Christmas including two weeks of school break, I didn't have enough egg nog if my kids decide they don't need to be good.  I had to come up with an "elf" plan.

I still wasn't buying the damn elf, so I made one up. "Hanz" started writing notes to my kids in the smallest handwriting possible. (Enter magnifying glass and book of santa jokes)  They had an elf, I had a way to actually make them behave during the two weeks off from school!!  They'd get out of control and I'd say, "HANZ!" watching them fall back in line.

But I can't be cute with an elf, I had to be lame. One blogger "Two Knitting Needles and 5 Beautiful Kids" shared pictures of her Elf pillow fight.

Her elf looked adorable sleeping in a tissue box with cotton balls for pillows.
I short sheeted their beds.

She shared pictures of a marshmallow fight, complete with a score board (a score board!).
I put green dye with glitter in the toilet telling them it was elf pee and poop.

She put candy under their pillow.
I put a real piece of Kingsford Coal.  (By the way, it's hard to get that shit out of sheets)
****that worked for a few days, they were actually good.

She shared that their elf mixed up their lunches, jumbling everything.
I put a panty liner in each lunch box.

She shared a picture of Elf by the Gingerbread house. decorating it while they sleep.
I put him on the liquor cabinet. (Both kids and hubby got a kick out of that.)

Her sweet little elf got married and had a baby.
I thought about having the talk with the kids about how you can't get married AND have a baby during the 30 days leading to Christmas but let that one go.
So, our elf adopted a stuffed mouse ornament from the tree.

So, there you have it. I may be lame but I think a bourbon drinking, note writing, trickster is much more fun than any other elf.

Now I've got to go and find that egg nog recipe again, we're still counting the days until Christmas.

Here's my Elf on a Shelf!

WTF - Gingerbread House Style

Every year, like childbirth, I forget how much I hate putting together the Gingerbread House. 

Here is the scenario in our home:

Buy the Gingerbread house kit because who has time to bake all those pieces.
Leave it on the floor.
The dog gets into it, nibbles the pieces.
Get pissed.

Go out and buy another Gingerbread Kit because it is a Christmas tradition dammit.
Put it on top of the refrigerator. Forget about it.
Three days before Christmas remember it is there.
Get pissed.

Invite a few friends because you need other Moms sharing the wine and the misery of putting together the house.

Open the box, everyone gets excited as all the candy pieces fall out. 
Some of the gumdrops seem a little stale.
Kids descend on the candy like locusts, eating what they can reach.
Get pissed, slap away little hands, pour a glass of wine.

Forgot you were supposed to make the icing and put the house together ahead of time.
Realize how much fun it is for 6 kids crowding around you as you try piecing the house together.
The house falls down.
Kids groan, reach for candy.
Get pissed, drink more wine.

Kids wreck the your home as you sweat getting the Gingerbread house to stand.
Finally the house stands, with great fanfare tell the kids they can decorate it.
There are 2 gum drops and only peppermints left, they ate the rest of the stuff. 
The kids fight over who gets the last two gumdrops.
One licks both of the gumdrops, effectively claiming them.
The other falls backwards on their chair.
The Gingerbread house falls down again.
Get pissed, open a second bottle of wine.

Pull out the candy you saved for their stockings.
Jerry-rig the pieces of the house together with staples, and toothpicks.
The kids have lost interest in decorating the house, they are now wrestling

Let the kids eat the rest of the icing, and the candy you pulled out.
Drink wine with your friends wondering why the kids are going crazy.

Finally feed the rest of the house to the dog, something you should have done in the first place.

I think Elf on The Shelf is a Terrorist

Did you know that the Elf on the Shelf was the first Christmas Terrorist? Oh yeah, this creepy little guy is designed to keep kids GOOD during the holiday season (as if that could happen.)  What a great ruse to come into your household!

In case you are wondering, here's a list helping spot potential terrorists:

How to spot a terrorist

Number 1 - "Surveillance. Often a terrorist will gather information about a potential target during the planning stages of an attack."
The Elf appears in your home.  His job is to gather information about a potential target (you).    Don't you wonder what type of information he is reporting, and really, do we all really know who "Santa" is?  This "Santa" has been training Elves for years, what has he been teaching them?

Number 2 - Elicitation. Elicitation is the use of ordinary communications methods in order to gain information without being obvious about it.  Does anyone think it is creepy that the elf sits there gaining information by ordinary conversation, or "eavesdropping?"  

Number 3 - Tests of Security. Individuals or organizations planning terrorism will attempt to measure the capabilities of security apparatus.  He comes into your house, doesn't that test your security?  How does he get through all of our satellite security, across our borders and appear in your home?  He's been testing security for years!


Number 4 - Fundraising. In order to fund an attack, terrorists will seek financial resources.  I have noticed that when the Elf is in the house sometimes my wallet goes missing.  How do you think he afforded the Lego set he left for my son?

Number 5 - Acquiring supplies. Purchasing or stealing explosives, weapons, ammunition, or bomb-making materials is a sign of terrorists acquiring supplies.  For some reason the Elf appears and all the candy in the house starts disappearing.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Number 6 - Impersonation. Watch out for people who seem out of place.  An elf?  Dressed in red pajamas?  Sitting on your fireplace mantle?  Staring at you?  Could the Elf be part of some "sleeper" cell?

Number 7 - Rehearsal. Terrorists will often rehearse a pending attack ensuring that their operation will run smoothly.  That's why he appears year after year at our house, he's rehearsing for the big thing.

Number 8 - Deployment. Terrorists are arranging their assets, getting into position, or are in the midst of an attack. This is your last chance to alert the authorities before it’s too late.

This is why I am warning you.  Watch that creepy little fella, there's something fishy about him, especially when he has fooled the CIA in his cuteness so they are not watching his whereabouts during the Christmas season.  We know he is not from this country because of the Made In China sticker on his butt.

Dang, that little sucker moved last night and now I can't find him.

WTF - Christmas Shopping Edition Part 2

Yep, December 5th and already I was receiving Christmas cards in the mail.

Who are these people?

Did they take their family pictures in July?  Because it takes us a few days, several bottles of bourbon and duct tape to get my kids to sit perfectly for the camera.

Are these the same people now boasting on Facebook?

Look I have my Christmas tree up.  Look I've even wrapped all my Christmas presents and strategically placed them under the perfect tree we put up as a family, sipping hot chocolate while listening to Christmas Carols together.  Without any fighting.

I explain to everyone listening that I cannot start Christmas shopping until the very last minutes because I have Gift Giving Syndrome.  This is an illness that manifests itself during the holidays as an uncontrollable urge to give away presents before the holiday.  Why?  Because I know they will LOVE my creative ideas and I can't wait until Christmas day.

Me?  I start a little slower.

I start the Christmas music after Thanksgiving, hoping this will get me into the mood.

I look at each family member, wondering, "What should I get them for Christmas?"

Then that quickly translates into, "Why should I get them something for Christmas?

Wouldn't the holiday of spreading good cheer be just that?  Spreading good cheer?

But I succumb to all of the Norelco sledding Santa adds and coincidently my bank account shows a positive balance and I go shopping.

Few things to keep in mind if you are like me and enjoy the last minute shopping.

1.  If you are shopping for your significant other on Amazon make sure their email is not the confirmation email.  Yep, gifting fail right there.

2.  Kids can smell wrapping paper.  If you want to keep your presents hidden, wrap in grocery store bags.  This will save you money.

3.  Shopping is always easier if you buy something for yourself in the process.  This makes going out shopping much easier.

Remember that Christmas Cheer starts at home.  Preferably the egg nog kind of cheer.  Chug a little of that before you go shopping and you'll be surprised at how quickly you are done, and how surprised you are Christmas day at your ingenuity when under the influence and present selection.  There's nothing like everyone, including you, being surprised as they open their presents.

So take that all you, my house is completely done, parents spreading the Christmas spirit.

If you are done, then there's plenty of time for you to come over and do my house.

Got it?  Spread a little more holiday cheer.

WTF - Christmas Shopping or Getting My Tinsel in a Tangle

Yes, it always starts with those warm and fuzzier.  I see myself skipping through the mall with a smile on my face as I hear beautiful Christmas music.  I stop to get a cup of coffee, check the list I made, then plan my relaxing day.

Right?

Wrong.

It starts with the 15 minute ride in the parking lot looking for a space.  You see I don't want to be too far away because I'll be carrying all that shit when I come back out, but I don't have the patience circling like a shark for an hour looking for something close.

The rain starts as I throw my car into park.  Yeah, the rain.

I grab my backpack, throw it over my head and run through the rain into the side door of the mall, thinking a cup of coffee would be nice.

I'm thinking my husband would look
better in this sweater.

As did the rest of humanity and the line at the coffee shop is pretty stiff competition to the Santa Claus line, complete with the child behind me whining about why they have to wait SO LONG.

Sidenote:  I do not miss the Santa Claus/Easter Bunny lines.  Especially with a screaming baby and a toddler that wants to touch everything they see, especially pulling at the beautiful red velvet ropes and pulling down the Disney style waiting line.

But I do get my cup of coffee, take a deep breath and relax.  To the list.

Which I forgot.

At home.

I could just wing it, but that can prove very expensive because when I wing it, I buy things that are not on the list then have to buy things on my list.  Wait a minute, did my kids hide the list for just this reason?  To increase their booty this year?

I stand with my coffee, listening to the children cry in the Santa Claus line, the Christmas music skipping on the speakers.

"This cannot be a wasted trip to the mall."

The 30 minute drive.
The 20 minutes of parking space.
I have a cup of coffee.
What shall I do?

I know!

I'll just buy something for me!

Let the joys of the season begin!

WTF - Holiday Gift Giving Edition

As we all know and several are breathing in a bag over - Christmas is less that two weeks away!  I thought I would share some great WTF gifts for your shopping pleasure!

Let's start with the decorations:  These are perfect.

The inflatable Christmas Wreath - perfect for the family expecting Granpa visiting and his hemmroidal problems.  This is a multi use decoration - wreath by day hemmroid pillow by night!

Who in the family doesn't like bacon?  How about bacon stockings!  That way they are still happy if they get coal, then can just cook the stockings using it!

Finally in preparation for the season, the perfect traveling pillow for that long plane ride.  The Farting Elf Neck Pillow!  It is the perfect way to ensure the seat next to you on that bus or train or plane will remain OPEN!

Now to Christmas Day:

For the outdoorsman in your life - think about the Noggin Net!  It's a hat, it's a fishing net.  Luckily the instructions that come with it include the warning to not use it as a hat when there is a fish or shark in the net.  

Think about it, 

"Earle, I got ONE!"

"Dang, I forgot the net!"

"Don't worry use my NOGGIN NET!"

"WTF?"

"Got it!"

Sounds of Earle and Darryl killing the fish.

"Gimme my hat back, my head is burning."

2 hours later

"Something smells fishy?"

You could always buy them the Birthing Doll see click here

Or if you're like me, you could always buy your husband this!

Picture this:

"Merry Christmas honey!"

He looks at it, "Advice, Meditations for men who have too much?"

"Just like you sweetie!"

"Is this a USED copy?"

He drops the book and runs to wash his hands.

Which may necessitate this gift for yourself - because you should always buy at least ONE thing for yourself!

 Happy Holidays from That Grey Area - may you enjoy all the sights, smells and chaos from a nice xanax induced fog.

What would you add to the list?

Dear Kelly, From Santa

Dear Kelly:

It has been very busy here on the North Pole, getting ready for Christmas.  I am sorry it took so long for me to reply to your Christmas letter, I am returning the 50 dollar bill as I do not accept bribes.

1.  I cannot come and clean your home.  And no, the elves cannot come and clean it either.  We are very busy this time of year.  And no, once we are past New Years, they are still not available to clean your home as we are on vacation.

2.  I do not want gluten free, sugar free, wheat free snacks - you will just have to refrain from eating the snacks the children leave out for me.

3.  I cannot tell your husband what to do, I cannot threaten him with coal.  He'll have to do that all on his own.

4.  Unfortunately, Johnny Depp has other plans Christmas Day.  Vin Diesel is busy too.

5.  I think we should take the Winchester Rifle off the table, maybe once your children are older.  Plus someone mentioned you could use it on us.

6.  I cannot share my secret for eating sweets all over the world in one night and only being slightly obese, you will have to control yourself.

7.  I have discontinued my delivery of prescription drugs - you will have to fill your prescription if you want to make it through this year.

8.  Are you sure you want that?  I mean, 50 Shades of Grey is a NOVEL, for Pete's Sake!

9.  I do not have a Pinterest Account - I cannot see all the pins you pinned to the "Santa, Baby" Board.

10.  I know why you added, "Peace, Love and Goodwill" - it will not take you off the Naughty List.

Sincerely,   Santa


Dear Wolfgang,

I am returning your 10 dollars because your Mom already tried that.

What is that noise? A Nightmare After Christmas!

It's out there, that phantom noise that starts at 2:46 in the morning.

Your First thought, "What is that?"

Then you lie there thinking about it.  "It's just some random toy."

"I'll find it when I wake up."

"Why does it make that noise?"

"I wonder if it will stop."

"What type of pattern is the noise?"

"Are the batteries running low?"

"How long until it shuts off?"

Finally you can't stand it any more, you get up walk down to the wreckage that once was your Christmas tree and look at the pile of loot.  It's not giving up any information as the noise sounds behind you in the children's playroom.

"Dang.  It's in the black hole, how will I find it in there?"

"I'll just go back to bed, they'll find it when they wake up."

"There is it again, what is that?"

You trip over the baseball bat, picking it up thinking, "Once I find that piece of #%$^, it's pulverized."

"There is goes again, where is it!!"

Finally under a pile of stuffed toys you find the stupid thing, a electronic game sitting open to the "Pause/Resume" screen.  FINALLY!

"Mom, why are you holding my game?"

You look up and there's your little one getting ready to witness you smashing their new toy, freshly delivered from Santa Claus  How much therapy would that create?

"Nothing honey, go back to bed."

Finally the house is quiet, you're staring at the ceiling, thinking, "I've got two more hours before I have to be up."

"What is that noise?"

A Christmas Wish

Merry Christmas to all, my wish for you.

1.  That you don't care - remember caring about what others think of you makes you less of a person, you lose a piece of yourself when you let others control your destiny.  Don't care about what they think care more about what makes you a whole person - mind, body and spirit.

2.  Get moving - enjoy a good dance move every once in a while.  Did you know that more chemicals in your body are released when you get out and bust a move not caring what you look like?  Back to don't caring, bust that move because your body is telling you that you want to say something - really, say it with your body and say it loud.

3.  Do what scares you - remember that feeling of Christmas morning?  You'll feel that way when you accomplish something you've never done before.  Espeically is there is an element of danger to it.  Don't stand behind the excuses of - I'm too old, my body is broken, I'm scared, or so and so won't let me - just go do it.

4.  Don't waste time - I have two great Christmas memories of my parents, and both are of the Christmas when we had the feeling that this could be their last.  We had a great time, we did everything they wanted to do, and we told them those things in our hearts.  Even if it was their last, it was perfect - because it was a great memory that is still held dear.



5.  Fall a few times - many are afraid to fall, but falling is good for you.  The getting up process is a test on how strong you are - do you simply get up?  Or do you get up and keep going?  Do you get up and keep going knowing that what you learned in that fall is the lesson of a lifetime - just behind what you learned in that second before you fell.

6.  Slow down - did you see that?  some one wanted your attention and you blew right by them.  you'll find if you stop a minute, you'll notice so much more.  and what you notice will be sweet and surprising.

Finally I wish you for a morning of soft Christmas kisses, of children whispering outside your door wondering what is in all the pretty packages under the tree.  That they crawl back in bed with you and complain when you tell them that present opening isn't until AFTER breakfast, well, ok, after Mom and Dad get their cup of coffee.  I hope you see those ghosts of Christmas past in their joyous faces - you see those that passed knowing that the joy you feel that day is something that always stays, just like your memories of them.  I hope you sit and watch with a steaming cup of coffee, and think about how great you have it - sure there is trouble around the corner, but you are here.  You are living life.  You are you - and to me, you are perfect.  I wish you happiness, and as always if you need a willing ear to listen, I wish you'll call me first.

 Merry Christmas - peace and joy and happiness.

Kel

Clearly the OMG Christmas Gifts!!

Gifts I do not want for Christmas:




1.  The Wine Rack - a combination sports bra and wine holder.  I'm assuming this is only for red wine as the cubes in the white could have your puppies barking - giving it away as you try to sneak in from the tailgate.  And at only $9 you know you can put cheap wine in your rack and not feel guilty.

2.  Thumb War Arena - I love playing thumb wars, but putting it into an arena?  Seriously.  I'll still win and make them feel worse when we record the match.

3.  A boob creamer - I love cream in my coffee and I don't really care to know where it came from.  But a squeezable Boob Creamer?  Honestly, It should look like an udder not a boob, unless during your breast feeding days you want to fill it with, well, never mind.

4.  Butt Putt - a farting putt putt hole, complete with all the sound effects.  As a mother of boys, I really don't need anything else in the house that farts and plays with balls.

5.  Nose Pencil Sharpener - I don't like anything up the nose, hence why I will never do drugs, but sticking a pencil up there and twisting just seems twisted to me.  Especially if the pencil comes out sharpened but with a nice green gooey substance all over it.

6.  Please, please buy me the Santa's Farting butt pillow - it would be perfect!

Now, how to accept a gift you do not want:

1.  Sharp intake of breath - this makes them think that they took you by surprise.  By getting EXACTLY what you wanted.

2.  Wide eyes with sharp intake of breath - show surprise that they were so thoughtful that they picked the PERFECT gift for you.

3.  Mouth in shape of an O - this tells them that you are having hot flashes over the gift, hold your breath and your face with turn red enhancing their experience.

4.  Put everything down and look seriously at them - with a "how did you know" type look.  How did they know to find that perfect gift.

5.  "You shouldn't have"  This is partially true, they will not understand it until they find their gift sitting under the tree next year - regifted.

What Santa Really Wants To Tell You!!

Rules for the Santa line:

1.  If your child is screaming, I mean screaming - get them off my lap.  You will not get the picture.  You will only get a picture of them screaming, my hearing is already going and 15 minutes screaming in my ear does not help.

2.  If your child is sick for god's sake keep them at home.  Photoshop them into a picture with me NOT screaming and be happy.  If one more child pukes in my lap, I'm going to candy cane his parents.

3.  Make sure the older kids have the list in their mind.  There's nothing worse than watching a line of pissed off parents wait while a child sits and says, "I don't know."  They are here to give me their list, make sure they HAVE a list.  Written lists work better, it helps me remember.  I am getting old you know.

4.  Please check all diapers, pull ups, bladders prior to the visit with my lap.  I've moved to wearing waterproof pants because of all the little beasts that pee in my lap.

5.  When I have to go feed the reindeer, I have to go feed the reindeer.  Don't get mad because you decided to come to the mall with the rest of humanity 5 days prior to Christmas to visit with me.  I've been here since Thanksgiving - and I am tired.  So don't expect me to pull double shift because you want your turn to put your screaming child on my lap.

Rules for Christmas Eve

5.  The correlation between what goes under your tree is directly affect by what sits in the glass and on the plate.  A few home made cookies will do, and a nice Cohiba for the drive would be even better.

4.  My reindeer eat reindeer food, not carrots.  If you don't have reindeer food, then leave them another Cohiba for me to have after the midnight drive.

3.  Having a fire lit in the fireplace is not funny.  Period.

2.  DO NOT wait up.  Seriously, I've got plenty of houses to visit in one night and waiting for you to fall asleep just ticks me off.  Go to bed, stay in bed and you'll get some booty - parents you know what I mean.

1.  Do not send any letters or make any phone calls to the North Pole until 30 days after Christmas.  You get what you get and don't pitch a fit!

You know its Christmas season when....

10.  You're up at 4am baking Gingerbread Men for your son's class.

9.  You're not surprised when your son says, "Oh and I signed you up for goody bags for tomorrow's Winter Treat."

8.  You throw your glass of wine at the TV when the 1546th jewelry commercial comes on because your honey is definitely not "Going To Jared."

7.  You've found the Christmas presents you hid last year while looking for the ones you hid this year.

6.  Working out consists of not lifting the spoon with the cookie dough on it to your lips during that 4am gingerbread session.

5.  You are sleeping in Ugly Christmas Sweaters because well, they really are comfortable.

4.  You are looking for a piece of coal in the garage to put the fear of Santa into your child's heart.

3.  Egg Nog is considered one of the four main food groups - it does have eggs right?

2.  You've now used fishing line, 2 inch nails and duct tape to keep the tree upright.

1.  Packages are arriving on your doorstep of shit you ordered online when having a glass of wine late at night - and most of it is for you.

Santa Sent Me A Letter!!

Dear Mrs. Melang:

I am writing to you about your excessive use of the Santa Claus Parents’ Hotline.  This line is meant for parents who want to change their child’s status on Santa’s list as a last minute nice list change,  not as a daily rant from the Melang household.

Using Santa Claus and coal as a means to get your children to behave does not work, you should have learned that last year when we had to change the phone number due to excessive use.    Please think of something different than the fifteen minute messages that begin with you saying, “you’re not going to believe this.”

Please also inform your children that the number of letters sent to Santa’s inbox changing their Christmas list is becoming excessive, also Santa gets enough letters from the children of the world, he doesn’t need your children clogging his Inbox with excuses for their behavior listed in your phone call of the day.  And sending pictures of their rooms does not automatically put them on the naughty list.

Henceforth, we will be marking your emails as SPAM and hope that you will think twice before sending another letter to Santa.  He is contemplating putting coal in your stocking as a reply to your "Why haven't you answered me, Santa" letter.  Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Cletus Senior Santa Correspondence Elf

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
Take a look at the five and ten
 in my belly when I bend 
With muffin tops and great skin rash
to show! 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
fans on ev'ry floor 
But the prettiest sight to see 
is how full my glass will be 
after my own first pour!

Forget the hopalong boots just a pistol that shoots 
Is the wish of mine today; 
kids that will clean 
and me as the queen 
Is the hope of at the end of the day 

And hubby that can hardly wait to go to work again!

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
There's sweat as I toss and turn, 
all night as I yearn, 
For a good night's sleep as I crash. 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause; 
Soon the bitch will come, 
And the thing that will make her smile is the prescription on the vial 
As her mind goes numb....

On the first day of Christmas Facebook gave to me...

On the twelfth Day of Christmas
Facebook gave to me,
Twelve coupons to expire,
Eleven people doing nothing,
Ten sponsored ads,
Nine fake pictures,
Eight people fighting,
Seven Moms complaining,
Six perfect families,
FIVE HOT DUDES!!
Four people poking,
Three funny photos,
Two error messages,
And only one online parolee!

Only 21 days left! Ack!

Everyone in the Christmas frenzy so I'm relaxing and doing what I do best, waiting until the last minute.  Just to help you along with all the shopping, I've decided to Kelly Melang style a few
Christmas Carols.

The Christmas Song

Chests and nuts popping out of inappropriate attire,
Bad smells nipping at my nose .
People pushing, each child a cryer,
As folks dressed up in anything goes.

Everybody knows a turkey and some PBR,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots strapped into the childproof plastic car,
Will try to find different parents tonight.

They know that Walmart's where they're stuck,
Mom's loaded lots of diapers and groceries in their truck,
And when it's time to leave every person is forming a line,
Behind the one and only open checkout sign!

And so if you're looking for some really great deals.
and you can't seem to handle a crowd.
Although it's been said you'll get a flat screen for a steal,
Stay out of Walmart, for crying out loud.

Christmas Bender - It is better to give than receive

I am a last minute shopper, and I have a very good reason. You see, I love to give gifts at Christmas, LOVE to give rather than receive, this presents a problem when our bank account starts to dwindle from my love of GIVING! One Christmas I decided that I was going to do all my shopping early, and spend the week before Christmas break sitting in front of the fire congratulating myself on how organized I was. Things went very well when I did all my shopping, found the PERFECT gift for everyone on my list AND even had them wrapped. I arrived at the week before Christmas Break full of pride at my Christmas organization and thought about that hot toddy in front of the fire. Then I went on what my husband called a “Christmas Bender,” you see I had bought such a PERFECT gift for everyone on my list that I couldn’t wait until Christmas for them to open it. I “accidentially” put some REALLY COOL gifts I’d purchased for my children in their bathroom for them to find, then acted dismayed that they’d opened them –and of course, loved the stuff I’d picked out. My girlfriend got hers early because I knew that she’d love to wear it to the next race we had coming up and unfortunately it was BEFORE Christmas. After this bender, I had a dilemma, I gave away everything I’d just shopped for and now WHAT WAS I GOING TO GIVE FOR CHRISTMAS! Out I had to go shopping again but luckily for everyone on my list, I had such a creative mind that I found another really cool set of gifts for my list, things that were BETTER than what I just gave away. My husband stood at the door looking at my arms loaded with bags and held out his hands. “Hand them over,” he said. “What?” How could I part with these perfect gifts? “Give them to me, you’ll give them away again and we’ll have to take out a second mortgage to cover Christmas this year,” he muttered. “But I won’t do that, honest. Just this one thing for you,” I started to reach into the bag. With the nimbleness of knowing that it was going to hit his wallet, he takes all the bags from me before I can pull anything out and walks away with them, I start to follow he stops and turns, “You go somewhere else, I’m going to hide these until Christmas Eve when the shops are closed.” I feel like the addict wondering what am I going to do with 5 days and no presents to give out? “But, I mean, don’t you want me to wrap them?” He replies, “You can wrap everything Christmas Eve. Don’t move.” I watch him go into the garage, calculating in my mind all the possible places he could hide them in there, I have a good guess of where if I find the need to look for them – just to wrap them. Of course, he didn’t know about the special present still in my car for him, so to appease my addiction to Christmas giving I follow him saying, “Look at this big box, don’t you want to know what’s in it? It’s the PERFECT present for you!” Watch out for that Christmas Bender, buy your presents early, wrap them and hide them----just don’t forget where you hid them come Christmas Eve otherwise you’ll be out with the rest of humanity on Christmas Eve fighting the mall traffic! Ever find that perfect present and can’t wait to give it to the one you love?

Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is my mother’s birthday, and each year I really miss her more and more. Losing a parent is a loss that lingers, gently reminding in little things during your life-a song, finding a gift they gave you, remembering a trip, dusting off Christmas ornaments. When the memory comes back, it’s a dull ache, sometimes intense when you realize how long you have to wait to see them again.

As a woman, losing my mom makes me learn on my own about growing up and taking care of children. Sure I’ve got a great network of friends always willing to give advice, but there’s a conversation between mother and daughter that is special, daughters know that they can ask their mother ANYTHING. It starts when you are young and your mother starts teaching you about being a girl, explaining more to you as you stand on the threshold of being a woman, to the little things that make a great Mom. I wish I could ask her questions now about behavior, some simple like – was I this messy when I was growing up? Did I obsess the same way over something to the point of nausea? To the more complex type of questions, when did you start to go through The Change? How do you grow old gracefully?

Take some time as your New Year’s Resolution to sit and have a conversation with your mother. We always say talk to your grandparents, those elderly relatives – gain knowledge from them. There’s a special person there ready to talk about those things you may be too embarrassed to talk about, the one to help you be comfortable and provide that guidance in the process. Take out a piece of paper and sit with your mother and remember, ask her simple questions and write down the answers, videotape her answers if she’s comfortable with it, make a pot of coffee and really learn about her as a child, trials and tribulations into adulthood, what it means to be a parent.

There are many questions that pop up now, and I wish I could ask her. Her greatest gifts to me was that she was THE strongest woman I ever knew in my lifetime, so I just tuck those questions away and try every day to be the caring, strong, never give up, wonderful person that she was. Happy Birthday Mom, may your present be someone sitting with their mother and enjoying the bond that is mother/daughter.