WTF - My Smartphone has made me a better person

I knew there was a reason I had to upgrade and move into the latest century with my iPhone5c.  And no, it was not the talk to text feature!  Here's ways my Smartphone has made me a better person.


Energy Conservation - texting saves reams of paper in notes AND the person doesn't have to be there to get the message - a good one OR a bad ome..

Flexibility - I have impressed my husband with some new moves learned while trying to catch a signal.

Adaptability - especially when my phone acts like a have a great signal until I dial a number and it goes, "Oh psych, you have extended network."

Learn New Languages - Texting has become a language all in its own.  I now understand what my BFF is doing when she is "C U L8TR BC I M ROFL W BFF OVR TXT FRM X."  And I can reply "KKK" and she will not think I am part of the Klu Klux Klan.

Psychic - When my BFF texts me, "Live young gnu blossom."  I totally understand her auto correct language replying, "I live gnu blossom took."  (I love your new blouse too)

Read a Map - yes, the person who cannot find her way out of a paper bag can now read a map.  You'll learn too when you let Apple Maps try to get you someplace and end up in the middle of no where with little gas and a phone that says, "Psych, you don't have a signal."

Patience with my children - because they always have to fix my phone.  Or better yet, "set it up for me," which is code language for "you'll never be able to find anything."

Healthier - I have apps that remind me to drink water, what mileage I need to run, a healthy alternative to dinner, when to pluck my chin hairs.  I'll never be unhealthy again - my phone won't let me.

Coordination - there are smart phones everywhere.  Try to limit the amount of footage of you out there falling to a bare minimum.  Unless the falls are epic.

Stronger - you'd be surprised at the definition in my arms from all the selfies I take.

Build Better Relationships - because I can see all the epic fails by people in their Facebook postings and learn what NOT to do!

My phone has made me a better person, I am sure there are more rewards coming down the pike as I actually learn how to use it!

Where did my smartphone find the word, "Cunni...."

My best friend and I are two pretty well educated broads, we’ve been hanging out together so long we can almost read each other’s mind. This comes in very handy when our smart phones decide to dumb us down a little bit. It started with the conversation about where to have dinner. There’s a great feature on phones where you can talk into the speaker and it will write the text for you. This is wonderful when you are trying to finish a text and the light turns green and some jerk behind you don’t have the patience and is blaring his horn! Doesn’t he realize we’re not supposed to text and drive. Back to this wonderful feature. So, we’re thinking of some place to eat…..

“Where are you thinking about eating?” Is what I tell the speaker to type.

Free panties is what pops up on the screen. After the second try, it types what I want it to type. (how did it come up with free panties from that? Did it know that the dog has eaten all but two pairs of my underwear?)

She replies, “I’m not sure what are you in the mood for?”

“I want seafood but don’t know where it’s fresh,” is what I want to say.

I win seafood I don’t know if there’s 1 thing. I’m fresh. Is what the phone comes up with, why yes I am feeling fresh when all that’s left if my sock drawer is two pairs of thongs (darn dog!)

She replies, we could try the Full Moon or we could go downtown. “It’s been a while since I’ve gone to the Full Moon.”

It’s been a while since I’ve been to the phone,” my phone thinks that I simply obsess about it all the time, I guess.

I’m thinking that seafood sounds good, now I want to convince her to come downtown. “When was the last time you had seafood?” I say into my phone.

Tiny cc comes out. What the heck? I try again. Secret my phone spits out. I wonder if there is someone down at Verizon that sits typing up these text messages laughing as he send crap on a creek for come pick me up.

There’s a rash of people thinking that everyone’s an alcoholic out there every 5 seconds from the text messages that fly across “smart” phones these days. There’s two great features, this speak to text that seems to really like the word “cunniligus” for almost everything you say into the speak. Why that word? Why can’t it be “cantelope” I still think there’s a pervert over there at Verizon intercepting what we speak in there and replying with “free panties” or “scope the dork.” Then there’s the SWIPE feature, that’s supposed to make it easy for you to swipe your fingers across the phone and it will make the word for you. Here’s a nice example of a text I received using the swipe feature, “Jen said she would take nous nut they would have mote fun ay home til they go” and “Places ate center that weekend. Hsu maybe you and Jeff could meet us and stay on boat Sunday noghy.”

Luckily for us, we can pretty much read each other’s minds (there is a rumor around town about the two women with three kids seen together all the time) and without the air of the speak to text feature on our phones, we’re able to schedule a lunch together at the seafood place downtown. It only took both of us pulling over by the side of the road somewhere to get our fingers out and let them do the walking. Or it’s a conspiracy theory to get us to finally hit the call button on our phones and actually talk to each other like human beings! What do you think?