Am I A Serial Killer?

Lately, the latest quiz sent over from all my bloody internet friends is determining whether or not I am serial killer.

My first thought is, hmmm, did they think, "Oh, we NEED to send Kelly this!"

And if so, why?




Sure I hold my Oreo cookies gleefully under the milk until the bubbles cease.
I do have an amazing collection of knives along with plenty of the reusable grocery bags to hide the body.  (What?  You don't collect reusable grocery bags too?)

There are a few times I've questioned whether or not I am related to Dexter, so I thought it would be a good idea to take the test.  Just to make things more complicated, my quiz is

Are you a sociopath, murder or serial killer

Oh goodness, what if I am all three.

The quiz starts with the usual questions.  Then I get hit with the hard one:  What is your favorite color?

Of course Kelly green is not listed.  Does this mean I am a serial killer?  Why is green not listed, did Hitler love the color green?  Or Gacy?  I have to choose something else, what if choosing red makes me a serial killer and yellow only a sociopath?  I'm going to choose Other.

What did I have for breakfast?  Granola, of course.  Why is one of the choices dog or cat food?  Is that the food of serial killers?

If your best friend shows up at your door panicking with a dead body what do you do?  Of course, I'd want to see who it was (did I know them) then I'd grab my trusty shovel and Wellingtons.  Oh wait, what about that bathtub full of lime in my basement?

More trick questions.  How many times did you watch American Psycho?  Once of course, there was much more information on how to hide a body on Criminal Minds than American Psycho.

How would you off someone?  I was surprised this question had the answer of bomb but not poison.  We must think about logistics here.

Do you believe in God?  Well of course I do but they are trying to throw me off with the answer of I believe in whiskey.  Which is true but only serial killers would get distracted like that, not me.

Finally, the proverbial question:  Why did the chicken cross the road?  My only answer, I like roast chicken.

As it ticked my results, I wondered what amount of therapy would I need if I truly am a serial killer.  When would I go for my first kill?

Whew!!

I am only 2% serial killer.

I am 60% boring, average person.
21% Murderer
and finally, only 7% Maniac

So, if I invite you to dinner, don't panic.  There's only a 30% chance I'm putting the rat poison in the chili, because I really want to see how that bathtub full of lime will work.

Are you worried you are a sociopath, murderer or serial killer?

Click http://www.gotoquiz.com/am_i_a_sociopath_serial_killer_or_murderer

PS.  This test had a disclaimer for Mothers, it fully understands that the urge to kill our children at certain times is completely normal and does make us a serial killer, sociopath or murderer.

This A'int No Road Biking!

Let's get out and enjoy some mountain biking, they said.

It will be fun, they said.

You're a biker, you'll love it.  They said.

There are some real fundamental differences on Mountain Biking vs Road Biking.

Years of being clipped in on a road bike did not prepare me for unclipped mountain bike pedals.  I really had no idea how to start pedaling again.  With clipped feet, I am used to pulling UP when I pedal, my feet kept leaving the pedals!

The above problem is no fun at all when trying to navigate rocks, roots and narrow trails.

Rear brake, rear brake!!  I figured out why they kept telling me that as I flew over the handlebars stopping abruptly on the downhill.

I understand all the padding.  I've got chain marks on one leg, a bruise on the other and can't feel my hoochie hoo.

I understand you have to pedal and go fast to go over the stumps, roots, rocks and other shit - but that makes me go fast.

It is possible to be screaming on the downhill and sound like a "motorboat" from all the bumps on the way down.

Add caption

Did you know that mountain bikes have big knobby tires so you will bounce off of trees?  I found this out firsthand, right before I fell over.

Of course you are supposed to look the part.  UNTIL you start pricing out HOW to look the PART, then you declare yourself a naturalist because you cannot AFFORD to look the part.  (The same is true on road biking, but I've had 8 years to amass my collection)

When I went to the internet and searched mountain bikes, funny how most of the pictures that came up had something to do with falling.  (I am not alone)

So there you have it.  A committed road cyclist trying to get dirty on the trails, having quite a few of those "What the hell was I thinking" type moments.  Falling down, but getting back up, because I will not let anything beat me.

And I'm putting some towels around my hoochie hoo next time because if I get that tap on the shoulder one night this week, I'm going to groan and actually say, "Not now honey, my hoochie hurts!"

It's the Little Things In Life

Saturday, and there are too many things we COULD do.  But there are a few little things that we DO do, it's the little things that matter.



The refrigerator light - it helps me find the olives in the back of the fridge so my vodka doesn't get lonely.

A walk for a dog - they don't care that it's around the block for the 19675th time, it's a walk for the dog.

Money in the laundry pockets or freshly laundered money - what Momma finds, Momma keeps!

A good run - not long, not hard, but simply good.

Standing in the middle of the woods by yourself - who cares if anyone hears the trees - as a Mom you are standing by yourself in the middle of the woods!

Reading a good romance novel - especially THAT part when you are by yourself with chocolate and a cup of coffee, oh wait, that never happens.  Reading a romance novel that is.

When everyone falls asleep early - and you ARE alone with that romance novel and that cup of coffee.

Forgetting you bought chocolate at the store then pulling it out of the bag.

Waking up later in the morning than expected - then running to check if your children are still alive --- and they are.

Find the right spot.  And sticking with it.

Realizing at the end of a day that you did absolutely nothing - and not regretting it.

Hitting the perfect place in a novel - either writing it or reading it - when you forget everything except the words on the page.

Exact change in your car when you are buying something off the dollar menu at a fast food joint.

It's the little things in life that when put together add up to some pretty big things.  Take some time with the little things like telling the people you love them, saying thank you, and sitting quietly with a cup of coffee and that romance novel.

What would you add to the list?

Just a run through the woods

There is no other place like the mountains of North Carolina.  Running is my meditation, time when I can be alone with my thoughts, some great music, and beautiful sights.  Here's some views from the road today.

 Things like this make me stop and pause - Beautiful colors of fire while the cool air surrounds, I continue on.

 The leaves look like they will fall quickly this year from so much rain.  I am blessed with this vista as I start a hill climb, it gives me energy to keep going.

 But the view from the top makes it so worth it.  The clouds moved slowly across our ridge, touching the trees as they went.  Some run for the sport - I run for the sights.

 I even had a visitor.  He didn't move as I got closer and closer to him, snapping pictures along the way.  Only once I had passed did I see the Doe and the baby down the hill and out of sight but under his protection.

It may not have been my fastest run but sometimes when you slow down and really look, you can see beauty all around you.

Be inspired.

A Day In The Life Of A Facebook Addict

You are that Facebook person, I know you are:

You see a post and you like it.

So you say, "I will like you."

Then you see another post, but you don't like it.  It is sad, you shouldn't like something that is sad?

But you have to like it, because you want your friend (who you really don't know) to know that you see they are sad----by liking it.

You see another post, it makes you angry.  You do not delete the person off of your feed, you send an angry message back to that person (who you really don't know either) and get into a fight that ends with deleting them, which you should have done in the first place.

You see another post, you decide that it is not nice enough to like, close, but not close enough.

Finally, there is that cute picture of kittens - not only must you "like" this but you must share this because everyone shares kittens.

Then there's the picture that says, "Hangover, The Gods way of saying you kicked ass last night."  You love this but there's a problem:
If you like it, then they know you were drinking last night.
If you share it, then people will know that you drink.
What will all these people, who you really don't know anyway think about you drinking on a Tuesday night.
You take that one and save it for another day - maybe you can share it on a Sunday, but wait then what will all the people you don't know, who go to church, think?

You see a post from a friend about her Labrador puppy, you think, "OK, enough of the real puppy pictures, we like the funny ones that someone else made."

Then you stop by another friend's post and look at the picture, "OK, that's not real.  I will not like it."

Finally you see a few pictures of several friends you actually know together, "Well, why wasn't I invited to that party?  I mean we are Facebook friends."  You decide to LIKE it to show them that you KNOW and you are not happy about it.

All of this happens in the 5 minutes it took you to pull up Facebook and take a look.

You close out of it to actually get some work done.

But go back 5 minutes later.

Is this you?  Do you have continual conversations on what you LIKE and what you do not LIKE?

WTF - What the Friday - Have you been to the Tag Office?

Have you been to the Tag Office lately?  No? I go to the Tag office over in Rural Hall in expectation that since it is in the middle of nowhere I'll be in and out pretty quickly, right?

Nope.

"Honey, the line starts there," a large woman says as I try to peer inside the door and see if it snakes around 1346 times before we even get in.  Someone at the DMV has taken a cue from Disney - hey, there's only three people outside the door, you commit to the line, get excited when you are finally through the door then find...
another line of 75 people snaking INSIDE the building.

So, I stand in the line looking around, realizing:

I only see people like this at Walmart.

What is that smell?

Oh wait, I've seen these people at the Dixie Classic Fair too.

God, I hate droplets of sweat running down my back and in between, well, there.....

Man, what an awful smell.

I finally make it to the front of the line, present my information with a smile, "I'm here to renew my tag!"

She looks at a computer for a few minutes, looks up at me, "There's a tax block on your car."

"A what?"

"A tax block."

"But I paid the taxes on it, here's the receipt."

"You'll have to call them with this confirmation number to remove the block before we can issue your tags.  Here's the number.  Once it is off, come back in, stand by the line and I'll take care of you."

I open my phone, she adds, "You have to make phone calls outside, NEXT IN LINE!"

I walk back out to 92 degree weather and start dialing the number.

"Jerome, you have to be down here to sign the title.  I can't transfer the car without you," I very loud voice is yelling into her phone.  "I waited in line in that hell hole for an hour, now get in your car and get your ass down here NOW!"

I almost want to tell her, "I know how you feel," but the sweat is now running down my back again so I dial the number.

"Winston Salem Tax Office, how can I help you?"

"I need to remove a tax block from my car to get my tags."

"Account number?"

"I read it off."

"You haven't paid your taxes," she says.

"What, I have this confirmation number," I repeat it again.  My hair is plastered to my neck, Leticia is yelling into her phone, "I don't care that you already took your lunch break, tell you boss that I am waiting at the DMV and need you here to sign the title NOW!"

There is silence on the other line, "Yes, you paid your taxes, but you still owe 2.27."

"What?"

"By the time you mailed your check, interest occurred, you owe 2.27."

"Can I pay you?"

"No, you can drive downtown to Chestnut street government building to pay."

"For 2.27?  There isn't another way?"

"You can pay over the phone with this number."

"Great, I'll call and pay, can you remove the block."

"No, then you can to call us back with the new confirmation number and we will remove the block."

"Really?  OK then"

As I dial the new number, Leticia is talking to herself about the stupidity of her brother and how she is the one that is always getting screwed.  I get so caught up in her conversation with herself that I must have pushed something wrong because the WS Tax Office Phone Hotline is now speaking to me in Spanish.  I hang up and call again.

"There will be a 5.99 charge for over the phone payments."

My butt cheeks are hurting at this point, but I punch in the numbers and pay my 2.27, I mean 8.26.

I call back to the Tax office and am informed that my hold time is 15 minutes but a very cheerful computer generated voice.  Leticia is deciding that she's going to McDonalds to wait for her brother, rather than sit in this African Heat because knowing him he's going to be late.

I finally get someone, give them the confirmation and am good to go.  I go back into DMV land, go and stand at the front waiting for the person ahead of me to finish, my dress is soaked with sweat, my hair looks wet and I'm irritated.

"Isn't is nice that some people think they don't have to wait in line."

"Really, should we tell her that the line starts outside?"

"No, we'll do the noble thing, just let her jump in line."

I turn to the two little old ladies behind me and say, "Listen bitches..."

OK, I didn't say that, I DID say, "Hey, I already waited in this line.  SHE," I point to DMV lady number 1, "told me I didn't have to wait again.  Be glad I am only renewing my tags, I'm in and out in a few minutes."

The both turn red, look at each other then look at the floor.  I wait a few more minutes wondering, "what is that SMELL?" I finally get my tags and hop skip and jump out the door.

Of course, when I get home, guess what's waiting in my mailbox.

Yep, a Forsyth County Tax Bill for

you got it

2.27

Ever had that much fun in your life?

A River Runs Through It - or How To Catch A Bush

Fly fishing for salmon in Alaska, who would have thought?   I’m picturing a River Runs Through it type fishing for us.  Beautiful pictures, the fly going perfectly above the water, someone cute like Brad Pitt as our guide.

Slim,(not the Brad Pitt Type) our guide did not know what he was in store for.  Standing there with his sport fishing sunglasses on, warm clothes, tackle and gear lined up - he's ready to catch some fish.  As I approach the boat,  we both look at each other think, “Oh hell.”

Did I give away my dorkiness when asking, “Do you wear your shoes inside the waders?”

That I came down to fish and forgot my fishing license?

That I am getting in on the wrong side of the boat?

That I mentioned I can play music on my iPhone while we fish?

Was it my sunglasses equipped with bifocals?

Was it how I fell into the boat loaded down in waders?

Or that I was dressed with 5 life is good T-shirts, one sweatshirt, a sweater, long under wear, a raincoat, and I'm still cold?

Did any of that give it away that I was totally out of my element?

I know he's look at me thinking, "I'm going to make a fisherman out of you."  I'm looking at him thinking, "Something smells funny."

We get in the boat as it starts to rain, I’m thinking - well, this is perfect, already I’m cold and now it is raining.  Not the perfect storm, we’re missing something.

Our spot was a chilly 30 minutes out, by the bank.  Due to our dorkiness, he probably didn’t want us standing in the water in our waders.  Slim is explaining the art of fly casting, I'm not listening,  I am wondering, "What is that steady hum behind my head?"  Slim makes sure I am listening this time, and has me cast a few times to show him I have caught on.  He moves over to help Jeff and I can finally look behind me at the steady hum.

Bad idea.

Welcome, a black cloud of mosquitos whispers as it hovers behind my face.  Like the arrows in the cartoon shows, they form a black arrow saying, "ATTACK!"  They land on the only exposed part of my body - my face, as a fish lands on the line.   I’m trying to reel the fish in while smacking around my eyes.  Slim, trying to toughen me up says, "Don't worry about them, they don't carry any diseases.  Just reel the fish in slowly."  I'm thinking, "I've become a human smorgasbord!  I feel like I am at the red cross giving blood.  One of the F*ckers just flew up my nose!"  I try to stay cool as he walks around with the net, reeling the fish in until finally he nets it.  I drop the rod and smack my own face, then look at the fish.  Well, it is a big one, I try to pick it up and a big trail of slime slips it out my hand.  Slim comes over with a club and starts smacking the fish as I watch.  Ewww.  Poor fishy.  That's a lot of  blood.  Ugh, I have to do it again?

I finally figure out how to cast as Slim yells, "There's a big wad of sockeye coming through, get ready!"    I’m waiting for it, waiting, throw out what I think is the best cast of my life and hook-

The bush behind me.

The fish are swimming by, thinking, "SUCKER!"  I turn around to walk back to the bush and my hook, the mosquitos thinking, "Look our dinner is walking right to us!"

I catch the tree behind me, the bush, some weeds from the bottom but also 5 sockeye salmon. I'm not going to admit to Slim that catching the fish was actually quite fun.   We head back in to meet up with the group and discuss our day.  Of course there’s drinks in the lounge first.  I walk back in and all the seasoned fisher people are looking at me strangely.

Probably because I look like Elephant woman, I’ve got welts above my eye, down the side of my cheek, and the little bastards even got the top of my lips!  I almost say, "I am a human, not an animal!"

A quick stop to buy the maximum DEET poison spray, a nice bug bucket mosquito net for my face, and gloves to cover every exposed part of my body.  

Now I understand why Alaskans call the state bird - the mosquito.  You watch out critters, tomorrow is another day.

How to be happy-----really.....

How to stay happy.  That Grey Area style.....

Spend one hour reading through Facebook - you'll soon realize your life is a heck of a lot better than everyone elses.

Don't worry the small stuff unless you are tripping over it on the floor.

Take some "me" time for yourself - usually with a nice glass of red or white or small shot.

Eat Healthy - always tell yourself that Chocolate cake IS healthy - it has eggs, milk - SEE?

Watch what you drink - if you spill it then there is less for you.

Get outside and get some exercise - it is the only time you can really get away from them.  Really.

Live in the moment - going into the past makes you think of all your parenting fails, and going forward moves you into-----teenagers!  Both of which suck the joy out of the moment.

Lie in the grass and stare at the sky - the rest of the family will think you are dead and not bother you.

Open the refrigerator and sweep everything out and into the trash.  You'll feel liberated that you don't have to open that container hidden in the back for the past year.

If you really want to get away to a safe place?  Hide in the laundry room, no one will find you there because you are the only one that really knows it exists.

Remember happiness is not found anywhere except in your mind.  (OK, sometimes in a bottle especially if it is a Magnum, but I digress) so plan on being happy and you know what, eventually you will be!

How do you find happiness?

Time - Is It Real?

Did you know that time is not constant - that time is really in the eye of the beholder.  The only constant in the Universe if the speed of light, and there are some times during my day that I wish I could travel by the Speed of Light.  Here are some interesting facts about time, The Grey Area Style.

You have probably spent close to a quarter of a year of your life standing in the middle of a room wondering why you walked into said room.  

You have spent more time than that going back into the room trying to find the item you originally went into the room to look for.

You have spent more time than that arguing with a child about where exactly they put the item they have currently lost.

You have spent more time than that putting away most of their items including the one that is lost.

You have spent more time that that bending over to pick up items from the floor.

You have spent more time than that walking into a room and sighing then starting to pick up all the items from the floor.


Now that we've put time into perspective here is ways to create more time for yourself.

Let all offended family members look for their own shit.  Have the will power to tell them, "I don't know where it is, go find it" without feeling the guilt that since you put it away you should look for it.

Don't pick anything up in their room - when they need something they will accomplish two things for you - actually cleaning their room and finding the object.

Don't wear your glasses when cleaning - this saves you the time of finding all the nooks and crannies to clean.

Put your sentimentality to the side when cleaning - now is not the time to sit and read through their baby book, you will feel guilty that you dropped the ball at 2 years old and start digging around to find the photographs.

Rather than looking for or calling your children, simply act like you are on an important phone call - their inner radar will have them running to you in no time.

So, since you cannot go back in time (and smack yourself for some of your stupid decisions) don't worry about time because technically, it doesn't exist.  What you see as quality time with a glass of wine could be another Mom's quality time of cleaning out the toilet bowl - or you could save time by tackling them both at the same time - would make cleaning out the toilet bowl a little easier.

And finally, use the age old saying with your family.

"Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Now go about using your time wisely - get back on Facebook.

Nothing like Epic Style Notes!

Sometimes you need a pick me up for your day.  I thought I would make myself feel better by listing the things of which I have talent:

Losing my phone - I seem to be very talented at this.  My phone's been left on the floor at a New Years Eve Party, thrown out of my pocket on a epic wipeout on a ski slope, taken by a baby and hidden under a couch, and now sits in a lock box in Salt Lake Airport until said manager returns to open said box.  You never know what phone numbers you DON'T have until you lose your phone.

Saying the wrong things at the right time - Sometimes it would be nice to have filters on my mind and my tongue, but then there would be no drama in my life.  This way I can keep things exciting as I dodge the blow of my brother in law for saying something.

Pointing out the Obvious - see definition above.  Standing, not realizing your husband is behind you saying, "I got that cute Abercrombie Shirt for my son on sale for 68.99."  He then has a fit and proceeds to explain that a: they are still growing why buy expensive stuff and, b: The Target one looks exactly the same and c: Don't get him used to expensive brands early, we can't afford it.

Staining - I have the affinity for white, and usually the first day I wear it I spill something like Balsamic Vinegar, or Texas Pete Hot sauce or Easter Egg dye.  Then I find out I am equally talented at not being able to get the stain out of my shirt.  I am also equally talented and accidentally dropping a new pair of jeans in with stained shirt so I can wear it again.

Falling with style - I fall.  Yes, I fall alot.  But I've made it such an art form I've heard guys yell, "TEN" by the side of a ski slope.  Other runners stepping over me by the side of the road.  Finally, I've won the  award for quickest get up off the ground/ego check on trail running.  If you are going to fall, then fall with style is what I say.

Asking Silly Questions - since most of my family members consider the uterus to be a homing device, I'm always asked there things are when lost.  One of my favorite answer is a question, "Where did you lose it?"

Selective Hearing - I am very good at looking directly at the person talking, looking enthusiastic, shaking my head, then repeating the last word of their sentence.  Even when I have no clue what they are talking about.  This condition steps up a notch in talent when talking about number..

Stalking - I'm a very good stalker on Facebook.  Boy am I glad that there isn't an app to see who's viewed your profile - I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Embarrassing my children - this requires a lot of work, because children are very sneaky to get away from Mom when their friends are around.  My saving grace is the carpool line where they have to wait outside with their friends, I can casually stick my head (with my cowboy hat) out the window and yell, "Come on little podna!  We've got some wrasteling to do."

Being Me - finally, it's easy to conform to what other people think you should see/do/be, but I'm much better at being me.  I'd rather be unique than be a clone.  As Abraham Lincoln once said on the internet, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

What would you add to the list?

How to avoid the divorce papers......

My Significant Other, with 25 years of marriage under our belt, have learned to avoid the situations that cause divorce.  We thought we would share a few with you, so you can prepare and avoid filing the papers.

Traveling - Anytime there's more than one piece of luggage involved, there's possible divorce papers involved.  Include two kids, security, complete with setting off the metal detectors and leaving a pair of shoes behind (how do you do that) as a wife, you just smile and watch your husband have a total meltdown.  Usually, he is fine once the storm has passed.

Setting up a Campsite - the number of pieces associated with your tent will determine how quickly the divorce papers are filed when setting up a tent.  If there are small pieces to the tent, and small children involved the papers are filed sooner rather than later.  Once when we were camping with several families, as each family arrived  - everyone pulled up their lawn chairs for prime watching as the couple setup their campsite - this included betting on how quickly they would start arguing then start shouting.

Driving Directions - I've learned with this one that my SO will simply go the opposite of what I tell him to do.  Simply smile, wait until he realizes he's going the wrong way, watch him bang on the steering wheel.  Then just to make it even more fun, I'll add, "It says here DEAR, that you were supposed to turn left 5 miles back."



Putting together anything - we're both chiefs so it usually starts with both of us with the dewey eyed look of, "We can do this together," then disintegrating into, banging, throwing of things, then finally me walking away before the lawyer knocks at the door.  Again, the number of pieces and whether or not the directions are written by a Chinese person determine how quickly this happens.  ("Whilst parking the screw into Tab C with the venerable twist....)

The First Day of Ski Season - This is when we look like a three ring circus as everyone starts looking for their ski gear.  Half way through a morning of "Mom, where is," and "Mom where is," my hubby will stand up and make a declaration, "I think someone has stolen all of my gear.  Not a single thing of mine is in the drawer."  He is very happy when he finds most of his stuff balled up and stuffed into the back of the ski drawer - complete with a scratch on his goggles.  The papers come during the walk with all the crap to our locker at the ski resort.

Shopping at Lowes - this is my downfall.  I am a dude shopper - I go, make a beeline for what I want, get it, check out and get out of the store.  My SO has to look through everything in the store, thinking of possible uses for the bits of PVC pipe he found in the discount bin.  My patience wears thin as I wait while we look at different types of nails, kits for the toilet, and how to put in your own water purification system.  After way too much time, with the papers in my back pocket, we finally make it out of the store with only what we planned on getting in the first place.  I honestly feel that I've lost a year of my life standing by a cart in a Lowe's store saying, "Honey, I'm not really sure we need the fake  rock hide a key for our house."

By realizing that these situations happen and taking the appropriate action, you can have a long happy marriage like mine - or at least no one has called their best friend to help them hide the body.  Marriage is a give and take - give a little and sometimes take a shot before the situation because it may help keep the papers at bay.

What are your divorce paper moments?

Today I will NOT

Every sit first thing in the morning and write out your to do list?  Depressing, right?  Well, here's mine for today.


10.  Today I will NOT endure whining.  When I hear myself whine, I'm going through OK magazine to show myself others out there have it harder than I do.  I mean, Blake and Amanda?  What?

9.  Today I will NOT remake anything.  It is not National Short Order Cook Day.  If you don't like it, too bad, I'll just live with the accidental over pour of Baileys in my coffee.

8.  Today I will NOT do useless things like read the paper.  I educate myself with Talk Soup of course.  Then I'll spend endless hours reading stuff on the Internet - because everything is TRUE on the internet.

7.  Today I will not dress for style, or to look cute.  Well, I guess I usually look cute anyway in what I wear, but it will be for COMFORT - unite with me!

6.  Today I will NOT fold everyone else's laundry.  Why?  I come a day later and it's balled up and shoved in a drawer anyway.

5.  Today I will NOT organize anything.  Well, I will not think about it like I do every day - who needs those guilty feelings.

4.  I will NOT do everyone's dishes.  I'll hide my clean dishes in the laundry basket because no one puts anything in there anyway.

3.  Today I will NOT listen to Jessie, or Good Luck Charlie, or Pair of Kings, or especially FRED!  Ya'll will have to listen to my Duck Dynasty marathon, for Pete's Sake, elevate your interests people!

2.  Today I will NOT count calories.  It makes everything I eat taste so much sweeter.

1.  Today I will NOT live by the rules - I mean, I never did anyway right?

Ok Ya'll I'm confessing

Somebody challenged me to a fess up Friday.  Cough Cough.  Here goes:

10.  Sometimes I don't listen to someone when they are talking to me.  Especially true when a child is complaining or a husband is lecturing.

9.  I have my own secret stash of Girl Scout Cookies.  I put them in the Tampax box under my sink.

8.  I rolled up my son's socks and stuffed them in the bottom of my bra.  At the end of the day, I put the socks back in his drawer and let everything else hang loose.

7.  Sometimes I can be catty.  I won't tell you about who and with whom.  That's still a secret.

6.  Back when I was a Great Mom and didn't have kids, I remembered everything.  Today I went to lunch and came back to my keys still in the ignition of my car.

5.  I am a hoarder.  Luckily for my family it's not cats or old tin cans.  I hoard office supplies, books, notebooks, running socks, and sports bras.  To the point where I say, "Wow, when did I get that?"

4.  I will sometimes put my champagne in a coffee cup - especially when it's early in the morning.  No just kidding, well when all the other glasses are waiting on the dishwasher though.

3.  I haven't cleaned under my sofa cushions in going on a year, maybe a year and a  half.  I figure that any food is petrified at this point and we may need it if the asteroid hits today.

2.  I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and stalk my friends rather than sleep.  But I DO NOT post that I am awake at 3am.

1.  I read Fifty Shades of Grey - and a few parts of it twice.  Mostly because my mind was thinking, "Now, the human body cannot do that."

REAL Conversation Hearts

What candy hears should really say - For All The Single ladies--

U R NOT 4 ME

Y NOT GO AWAY

OUT OF YUR LEAGUE

U DON'T MAKE ENOUGH

DON'T WAIT 4 TXT

I'M NOT DESPERATE

TOO MUCH 4 U

NOT TODAY

NOT EVER

IT'S NOT ME IT'S U

LOOKS DO MATTER

C U LATER SUCCA

AIN'T GOT TIME FOR DAT

For the Kids in the family - 

YUR FACE - my boys love this saying so much, and it would fit so well on a conversation heart.

WTF? -  You know, Want The Fudge?

CLEAN YUR ROOM

Y YOU FIGHT

BRUSH YUR TEETH

STOP!

B-CAUSE I SAID SO

And Finally for us Moms - 

NAP 4 U

I'M IN THE TOILET, PLS!

GLASS O WINE

MILF

SEXY YOGA PANTS

CALL ME A SITTER

You are not alone - NOT!

My boys have been visiting with their cousin in Nashville this week, my wonderful husband has been in Africa this week, so it's left me and the dog alone - in the mountains.  Things I learned about empty nesting:

1.  Dogs are great conversationalists, they agree with everything you say, except for a few spare burps when you give them a treat for being such a good listener.

2.  It's always OK to have a conversation with yourself, especially when there's a lot of alone time.  Just get scared when you answer your own question with, "Huh?"

3.  You think not having distractions will make you more productive?  If you are used to working under distractions, then you'll find other distractions to avoid your work.

4.  You'll be surprised at how long you house actually stays clean when you've cleaned it to provide a distraction from what you were supposed to do.

5.  Just because there's no one there to see what you do, they'll still be able to sense that you sat in bed until 11am reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

6.  It's more fun to go to the bathroom wondering who's going to walk over and open the door then leave the door open.

7.  When the children are away you can actually find things, they stay where they are supposed to stay.

8.  It's no fun having an argument with yourself.

9.  It's more fun to watch the Romantic Comedy with the family and hear them groan during the love scene then simply sigh to yourself.

10.  Funny, but they drive you crazy all day long, you'll be surprised how quickly you miss them when they are gone!

Have you ever had your first alone time in, in, in, well whenever?  What will you do with the extra time?

Ahhhh.....

here are things in life that simply make you go ah, that feeling of yeah, this is exactly what it’s supposed to be and life it good.

When we were kids, "ah" moments didn't come to often, we were too busy getting on with life.  I do remember one "ah" moment as a child, when you're be out playing, or swimming, or running, or just going full force doing something and would stop for some food, a snack of your favorites - that first taste after all that exercise, your taste buds go, "ahhh."  As adults since we've lost our taste buds to age, create different "ah" moments.

My son sang this weekend with All County Chorus and sitting and watching 100 children sing was that “ah” moment.  There is nothing sweeter than children’s voices as they sing together - it is one of the perfect moments of innocence.  Not the happy birthday we always hear at a party, but a sweet lullaby or classical song with a conductor and the perfect of practice with professional.  If you’ve never listened to a children’s choir, you’ve never had that “ah” moment.

That first sip of coffee in the morning, it’s still dark outside, and you’re sluggish.  But that first sip brings warmth to your body, good taste in your mouth and a slow “ah” from a brain that understands, “oh yes, now it is time to wake up.”  This is why I invest in good coffee, I want a more prolonged “Ah” moment, want to move it from “ah” to “ahhhhh?”  Time it just right and watch the sun rise with that warm goodness in your hand.

A great shirt.  Marilyn Monroe once said, “your clothes should be tight enough to show you’re a woman, loose enough to show you’re a lady.”  The perfect shirt creates this “ah” moment not because you found the bargain/deal/perfect item but how it makes you feel.  It’s that piece that makes you feel sexy, that moves you from the soft sweatshirts of a Mom to a woman, that says, “yeah, I can start my day with this, I feel confident.”

And who can leave out that Moment, that “ahhh” moment with the one you love.  Get your mind out of the gutter, it’s that moment where you look over and think, “damn, I love that guy.”  Nothing like watching a man hold and tend to a baby, or when you realize that they’ve left the house on a Saturday morning with the children and you’ve WAY overslept, or of course when they look at you in your perfect shirt and say, “you look beautiful.”

“Ah” moments are those moments of little things, the sweet sound of a child’s voice singing, a moment with yourself as your body slowly starts awakening, anything that builds confidence and of course a simple moment when you realize you are blessed.  Take the time to find these moments in your day and at the end as you sink into the bed and reflect, I’ll guarantee you’ll be thinking, “ahhhh.”  What happens after that is totally up to you.  What are your “ah” moments?