How do you know it is Fall?

Sure it is October 1st, but there are many other ways to realize it is fall, here's a quick list:

 

 Pumpkin Coffee, Pumpkin Muffins, Pumpkin oatmeal, Pumpkin Cookies, Pumpkin Ravioli, Pumpkin Gnocchi.  They came out with Pumpkin Spice toilet paper, that gives you a nice whiff in combat to other, well, other odors.  Now if they could just make Pumpkin Spice baby diapers.

The Spiders are taking over - they realize this is their last hurrah until the first frost - get all the making a web big enough that it covers between two trees, yet you cannot see it - until you walk through it then they get to run over your head.

There is butternut squash in the grocery store.  No one knows what to do with it, everyone buys it.  It sits in the fridge until winter rolls around and you can safely throw away the rotten thing because it is past fall.

Everyone talks about how happy they are to wear sweaters for the cooler weather.  Oh be honest, it has been a LONG summer holding that muffin top in - I know I am ready for sweater weather.

We can now sleep with the windows open.  Oh wait, there's that dog that barks all night long, I missed being able to sleep through the night hearing only the hum of the air conditioner.

Beautiful leaves are creeping on the trees.  Yes, and everyone sounds like Elmer Fudd while on four different brands of allergy medicine along with 3 different nasal shots, don't forget the Chloraseptic due to post nasal drip of all the crap you're trying to clear out.

Fall Festivals - yes every church, school, organization, PTA, yard sale has a fall festival.  If I get rolled up like a mummy one more time, I'm going Egyptian on them.

Halloween decorations - I don't need them, I've got plenty of spiders and cobwebs to cover this one.  I will however put something that screams in the path of my front sidewalk that is motion detected - because well, someone has to enjoy Halloween.

Mums - this is the "I am too lazy to dig for pansies and I'll leave what's left of my flowers in but cover it with Mums in pots to look like fall."  Add in the fake pumpkin on the front step and you have the "Aint nobody got time for that Fall decorations."

Fall is that season where we think about hibernating - which means running to Costco for your case of wine, to the ABC store for the whiskey for your hot toddies (because we'll all catch that fall cold) and then to the nail salon for your last pedicure.  We all know that the legs and the toes are going into hibernation until the first day of spring - so why paint and why shave, right?

What do you love about Fall?

WTF - What the Friday - Have you been to the Tag Office?

Have you been to the Tag Office lately?  No? I go to the Tag office over in Rural Hall in expectation that since it is in the middle of nowhere I'll be in and out pretty quickly, right?

Nope.

"Honey, the line starts there," a large woman says as I try to peer inside the door and see if it snakes around 1346 times before we even get in.  Someone at the DMV has taken a cue from Disney - hey, there's only three people outside the door, you commit to the line, get excited when you are finally through the door then find...
another line of 75 people snaking INSIDE the building.

So, I stand in the line looking around, realizing:

I only see people like this at Walmart.

What is that smell?

Oh wait, I've seen these people at the Dixie Classic Fair too.

God, I hate droplets of sweat running down my back and in between, well, there.....

Man, what an awful smell.

I finally make it to the front of the line, present my information with a smile, "I'm here to renew my tag!"

She looks at a computer for a few minutes, looks up at me, "There's a tax block on your car."

"A what?"

"A tax block."

"But I paid the taxes on it, here's the receipt."

"You'll have to call them with this confirmation number to remove the block before we can issue your tags.  Here's the number.  Once it is off, come back in, stand by the line and I'll take care of you."

I open my phone, she adds, "You have to make phone calls outside, NEXT IN LINE!"

I walk back out to 92 degree weather and start dialing the number.

"Jerome, you have to be down here to sign the title.  I can't transfer the car without you," I very loud voice is yelling into her phone.  "I waited in line in that hell hole for an hour, now get in your car and get your ass down here NOW!"

I almost want to tell her, "I know how you feel," but the sweat is now running down my back again so I dial the number.

"Winston Salem Tax Office, how can I help you?"

"I need to remove a tax block from my car to get my tags."

"Account number?"

"I read it off."

"You haven't paid your taxes," she says.

"What, I have this confirmation number," I repeat it again.  My hair is plastered to my neck, Leticia is yelling into her phone, "I don't care that you already took your lunch break, tell you boss that I am waiting at the DMV and need you here to sign the title NOW!"

There is silence on the other line, "Yes, you paid your taxes, but you still owe 2.27."

"What?"

"By the time you mailed your check, interest occurred, you owe 2.27."

"Can I pay you?"

"No, you can drive downtown to Chestnut street government building to pay."

"For 2.27?  There isn't another way?"

"You can pay over the phone with this number."

"Great, I'll call and pay, can you remove the block."

"No, then you can to call us back with the new confirmation number and we will remove the block."

"Really?  OK then"

As I dial the new number, Leticia is talking to herself about the stupidity of her brother and how she is the one that is always getting screwed.  I get so caught up in her conversation with herself that I must have pushed something wrong because the WS Tax Office Phone Hotline is now speaking to me in Spanish.  I hang up and call again.

"There will be a 5.99 charge for over the phone payments."

My butt cheeks are hurting at this point, but I punch in the numbers and pay my 2.27, I mean 8.26.

I call back to the Tax office and am informed that my hold time is 15 minutes but a very cheerful computer generated voice.  Leticia is deciding that she's going to McDonalds to wait for her brother, rather than sit in this African Heat because knowing him he's going to be late.

I finally get someone, give them the confirmation and am good to go.  I go back into DMV land, go and stand at the front waiting for the person ahead of me to finish, my dress is soaked with sweat, my hair looks wet and I'm irritated.

"Isn't is nice that some people think they don't have to wait in line."

"Really, should we tell her that the line starts outside?"

"No, we'll do the noble thing, just let her jump in line."

I turn to the two little old ladies behind me and say, "Listen bitches..."

OK, I didn't say that, I DID say, "Hey, I already waited in this line.  SHE," I point to DMV lady number 1, "told me I didn't have to wait again.  Be glad I am only renewing my tags, I'm in and out in a few minutes."

The both turn red, look at each other then look at the floor.  I wait a few more minutes wondering, "what is that SMELL?" I finally get my tags and hop skip and jump out the door.

Of course, when I get home, guess what's waiting in my mailbox.

Yep, a Forsyth County Tax Bill for

you got it

2.27

Ever had that much fun in your life?

I Feel Young - Muddy Creek Cafe

I had the pleasure of attending a music show at Muddy Creek Cafe tonight.  Granted it was billed as "Old Time Music" so I was thinking blue grass maybe a little folk.  This was "Old Timer" music.

I show up and immediately felt like that first day of High School.  Everyone sitting had already been at the rodeo of life for quite some time and most were looking at me saying, "Well, lookee here what's she doing at our party?  Should we stuff her in the trash can??"

The audience of this party was beyond the start of AARP and well into the Reverse Mortgage kind of time.  There were blue hairs, there were white hairs, then there were the covered up hairs - me!  They watched as I decided against the prune juice and went for a bottle of beer.  Not only was I totally out of my element, but my two boys I brought with me were looking at me like, "IS IT TIME TO LEAVE?"

But we sat and got an education on the music of the night.  All three muscians were over 70 years old and decided to form a band.  My decision to take up twerking at my 21 years of age means I've got plenty of time to perfect it.  We had the banjo, guitar player, the singer and the harmonica player.  We sat and sang with them to The Circle Be UnBroken, Folsom Prison Blues and These Boots are Made for Walking.  We got the feeling that they had groupies - and that most came aboard that Countrywide Retirement bus sitting in the parking lot.

The kids hid inside playing video games knowing that this was their invisible shield against old folks, do something they wouldn't understand and they will leave you alone.  When they finished with God Bless America, everyone stood and put their hand on their heart and we all sang it together.  What started as "this is strange" to "oh my goodness, this is why I love where I live, where we can all stand and sing this and enjoy it."

Of course, I yelled "one more song" and they looked at me like I commanded them, simply saying "OK."  When the last song was done, I thought again of the Who Concert, the exodus was so quick and deliberate that I had to jump out of the way of Sylvia and her walker.


I left with a new realization, and I'm sorry my friends this means you, I'm dumping my friends for this crew.  Not only will they make me feel better about my age, but they make me want to stand up and sing and not care what anyone else thinks!

The old songs group will be back at Muddy Creek on Thursdays - if you want to expand your minds and your vocal cords stop by and experience.

Houston We Have A Problem - Apollo 13 Live at Milton Rhodes Center for the Arts

No wait, that wasn’t said right, “HOUSTON, we HAVE a problem.”

I had the joy of taking 3 boys to see Apollo 13 Live at the Milton Rhodes Center for the Arts last night.  Created by Kip Chapman and Brad Newstubb, this was a live take on the mission of Apollo 13, a story of bravery and quick thinking from 1970 that brough 3 astronauts home despite major complications.  When you first check at Rhoades center, you are welcomed to Houston, given a console badge or a press badge.  The waiting area for the show was filled with memorabilia from that mission and our country’s space problem, which meant giving the boys a history lesson as we looked at old pictures, watched old footage, and touched artifacts.

This show is meant to put the guest right in the middle of the action.  Guests are seated in either press seats around Mission Control or in front of a console in Mission Control.  Either way you feel a part of the action, once the show begins, you are treated as part of it.  The best seats, a little bit more expensive, but well worth it, are the Console seats, giving guests a chance to work buttons, speak lines, or become part of a TV interview.  Jason White and Sam Berkley are great as commanders while Ashleigh Hawkins provides some awesome comic relief as himself.  Of course, Gareth Williams as Walter Cronkite was a great way to get information out and keep the show moving along.

One lucky guest was chosen as the “third” astronaut for the mission.  It was great to watch them think they were coming in for a show, then put with actors, Ben Van Lier and Byron Coll as astronauts and play a astronaut for the length of the show.  The show happens around you, the best entertainment in  the expressions of audience as they were called to play parts they didn’t know they were playing, how they ad libbed when asked a question.  One of my favorites was to our astronaut, Mary Beth when asked  “So how much training have you had for this mission,”  and her answer, “Well Walter, very little if nothing.”  She was also great acting when they were in an antigravity situation.  Our audience went from hesitantly saying lines, to everyone jumping from the chairs and cheering with each success.  This is a show you can very easily get caught up in.

The script was well written from the news stories brought to us by Walter Cronkite, our astronauts on screen, and the events of Mission Control.  This is a great time for the family, and to show how much the boys liked it, one commented at the end, “How did they get back from outer space so quick.”

Apollo 13 Live is running in Winston Salem through February 10^th.  Seating for the consoles is limited, so get your tickets early.  Visit their website www.apollo13live.com

My Kryptonite

Have you been over to Trader Joes yet?

I think the store was invented by drug dealers.

It sells itself as a grocery store.

You walk out with a case of wine for $35

What? You don't buy by the case?

A box of salted caramels

Old Fashioned Licorice Twists

Chocolate covered ginger

and the Kryptonite---

Kettle Corn Cookies.

No where else can I justify this much junk on one shopping trip.

Oh wait, I did buy a bunch of bananas to not feel so guilty.

Either they are drug dealers keeping us all on our sugar high,

or

Invented by the guys who created Jeggings (leggings with pockets) because NO ONE will wear regular pants after a few trips to THAT store.

What's your Kryptonite?

Seriously, looking serious!

Here I am looking serious.

Seriously.

My butt has not left this chair,

except to run 11 miles.

Oh, and when the bug fell off the ceiling into my lap.

I may be stationary but my mind is going a million miles a minute.

Some I could share with you

But I'll reserve all the fun for myself.

You know its Christmas season when....

10.  You're up at 4am baking Gingerbread Men for your son's class.

9.  You're not surprised when your son says, "Oh and I signed you up for goody bags for tomorrow's Winter Treat."

8.  You throw your glass of wine at the TV when the 1546th jewelry commercial comes on because your honey is definitely not "Going To Jared."

7.  You've found the Christmas presents you hid last year while looking for the ones you hid this year.

6.  Working out consists of not lifting the spoon with the cookie dough on it to your lips during that 4am gingerbread session.

5.  You are sleeping in Ugly Christmas Sweaters because well, they really are comfortable.

4.  You are looking for a piece of coal in the garage to put the fear of Santa into your child's heart.

3.  Egg Nog is considered one of the four main food groups - it does have eggs right?

2.  You've now used fishing line, 2 inch nails and duct tape to keep the tree upright.

1.  Packages are arriving on your doorstep of shit you ordered online when having a glass of wine late at night - and most of it is for you.

Santa Sent Me A Letter!!

Dear Mrs. Melang:

I am writing to you about your excessive use of the Santa Claus Parents’ Hotline.  This line is meant for parents who want to change their child’s status on Santa’s list as a last minute nice list change,  not as a daily rant from the Melang household.

Using Santa Claus and coal as a means to get your children to behave does not work, you should have learned that last year when we had to change the phone number due to excessive use.    Please think of something different than the fifteen minute messages that begin with you saying, “you’re not going to believe this.”

Please also inform your children that the number of letters sent to Santa’s inbox changing their Christmas list is becoming excessive, also Santa gets enough letters from the children of the world, he doesn’t need your children clogging his Inbox with excuses for their behavior listed in your phone call of the day.  And sending pictures of their rooms does not automatically put them on the naughty list.

Henceforth, we will be marking your emails as SPAM and hope that you will think twice before sending another letter to Santa.  He is contemplating putting coal in your stocking as a reply to your "Why haven't you answered me, Santa" letter.  Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Cletus Senior Santa Correspondence Elf

How to understand boys - for all my friends with girls...

Boys are special, they dance to a different tune than girls.  So whenever I get together with my friends who only have girls, I watch them look horrified at my posse and thought I could explain a bit.

Did you know there was a fart language? This is different than burp language.  It's a secret language between boys, they have all their code words coordinated between long farts and short farts.  If it is done under the armpit it is the Southern Dialect, from the lips the Northern Dialect.  So when you see them furiously pumping their arms up and down with their hand cupped under their armpit - they are conveying important information.

They don't understand niceties - boys come from men which descended from Cavemen.  This kicks in when a basket of bread is placed in the middle of a restaurant table, or the plate of nachos appears.  If you want to have them act civilized, order something they don't like - it will remain untouched.  And just like their older counterparts - don't ask them if the bathing suit looks good on you.

There is a hierarchy in the male system - boys spend all their time trying to determine who's the big cheese in the bunch.  This is accomplished by head locks, wrestling, shooting the longest spit ball, who can pee off the deck the farthest, who can punch the hardest, and who can handle being punched without crying.  They cannot sit still, so just ignore them when you are sitting at the park with the girls playing nicely and there's a WWF smackdown out behind the monkey bars.

If it is not nailed down they will eat it - they are going to stalk your girl at the restaurant table with the last few french fries until she almost screams at them, "Just go ahead and eat them."  They don't what the food is, their bodies are using fuel so efficiently that it required constant refueling.  This makes passing the expired food into them much easier, because their minds are focused on replenishment and not labels.

If it is not broken, they will break it - the boy mind is constantly trying to figure things out.  This makes them take apart your radio and put it all back together except for that one piece.  Boys have a black cloud over their heads when it comes to any type of electronic - do not allow them to touch it otherwise something will happen and the passwords are changed, the settings different or it simply doesn't work.

There's only one setting - and it's loud and non stop.  In order to accomplish their hierarchy this also includes who can be the most loud and obnoxious boy at the restaurant/pool/movie theater/doctor's office.  If they find a noise that's annoying - like flicking their tongue on the roof of their mouth while humming the Star Spangles Banner - they will continue to do this until their friends punch them to stop or someone else pays them to stop.  Then they will look around and promptly start doing it again.

The best part about boys is you get what you see - they are messy, they are loud, they are energetic, they are real.  It's OK to be horrified if you are not used to the chaos, but if you are you simply smile at the group and say, "Stop saying God Bless America in fart language."

What are some other great attributes of boys?

Zombie Children Attack!

We were having such a great time on the beach when little did we know that there were Zombie Children, hidden in the sand dunes, waiting for just the right moment to attack!  And no, we don't know these people but couldn't help but snap a few picks to show the Zombie proof!  I didn't see any chewed limbs by these children but am sure that's what the hole is for.

Seriously, I understand that sun protection is a good thing, but at 3pm in the afternoon do you have to make your entire family look like Zombies?  We also nicknamed them the Casper family.

My son walked by these kids looked over and jumped back in fear, their white faces turned to him, their eyes vacant and their lips limp from all the Capri Suns their parents kept giving them.  He'd heard about the Zombie attacks in Florida and came over to ask me if there were Zombie's in Maryland.

Then when the photographer comes to take pictures of the family for keepsakes, do the parents wipe the 2inch layer of white paste off of their faces?  No, once a Zombie always a Zombie.

So beware now when you hit the beach, Zombies are everywhere and can come at any age!

On the edge, and holding tight!

One of my favorite quotes is, "Life isn't about pulling slowly at the grave without a ding or dent on the body, it's about coming in with a screeching halt, full of dings and dents, on one wheel screaming, 'Man, what a ride!"

This quote tells me not to hold back because, holding back means regrets and I don't subscribe to these.  This also gets me in trouble when I choose a path because it intrigues me and halfway down I wonder, "What the hell was I thinking" but keep going.  I stood on a beach wondering, "they want me to run into the surf and do what" at the beginning of a race, when at the end it wasn't pretty but as I crossed the finish line I thought, "hell if I survived that, I can do anything."

This quote always put me over at the edge, which reminds me of another quote - stay over at the edge, every where else you're simply taking up too much room.  The edge has me writing that story, or that piece and tucking a small piece of my heart in it, giving it a kiss then letting the world to see - then being strong as criticism comes back.  It helps me to hide my editor and do what I want to do, even if there are people out there that don't like it (how'd they get there?)  This edge means writing or falling off, and I will choose writing every time.

How do you find your edge?  Move forward in your life until there's the slight feeling of being uncomfortable, your brain and instincts are nudging you with a slight "fight or flight" feeling and you've hit it.  If you are getting ready to start something and find that you're shaking, yup, you've found it.

We all know life is short, hell we hear that all the time.  Arrive at your grave with the dings and dents exclaiming what a ride, everyone gets passed in the slow lane.  Where's your edge?

What Skeletons are in YOUR closet?

I feel that I have to come clean, this stomach bug that I have makes me feel as if I am about to die so in order to make it in front of St. Peter, I’m spilling the beans

1. I refuse to eat Okra, its gooey inside reminds me of, well, you know.I took Splenda from Panera, yes, I did it.  I justified it with the thought that since I just paid 3.52 for a cup of coffee I can add 4 extra Splendas to my pocket to bring the tally a little closer to even.
2. Sometimes I don’t listen to my children because honestly, with some of their stories, I really don’t care.  I do always listen to my husband.  (I think he actually reads my blogs)
3. I still eat Captain Crunch and Twinkies even if I pretend to be ultra fit in my eating habits.
4. Life goes a little easier at night with a glass of wine.
5. I still have a few books left over from my foray into into erotic writing, complete with one of my favorite bodice ripping romance novel of all time.
6. I don’t get the draw of a lot of Classical Literature, give me a good old Stephen King anyday.
7. I have an addiction to office supplies, show me a new pen made from recycled plastic bottles and I’ll have a Big O.
8. I hate people who workout much less than I do and say, “it’s hard to find a size 2 these days,” while I work my ass off and in the morning it’s come back to visit me with fat friends.
9. I will pay another $15 when Fast and Furious 15 comes out because to me it’s money well spent.

Well I feel much better now, really, my stomach is feeling much better.  So much better than I’ll follow this list with the disclaimer that none of it is true.  Do you have any “untrue” confessions in your life?

I am the Queen of Pins!

Continuing my Pinterest addiction, I thought I'd share some great pins for your boards, because I'm bored!!  Ha ha!  Had to add my thoughts too....

Ahhh, I never thought of poison....Buwahahah!

I know a few people who could take this advice!

And THAT is why I gave up the singing career.

Maybe one day we'll actually find it!

Why can't I come up with combacks like these?

My son may not write any notes but he's a prodigy in my mind.

Wonder if either of them would pass?

Of course this after a drunk John Barrymore got caught with his wienie in his hand in the Ladies Room!

What would you do with a battleship?

Know a few people like this too.

Nothing like beer goggles!

So have some fun pinning and if I have you a little smile, then it's a job well done!  What comebacks would you add?

There's a dumb virus going around!

There’s a slight case of dumbness going around right now, and it’s infecting everyone I know and love.  It starts with my friends, I’m in the Supermarket filling up the cart when I run into a friend doing the exact same thing, she smiles at me and says, “Hey, what are you doing here?”

I look at both of our carts full of Lunchables and fruit and boxed wine and reply, “Uh, trying to keep my family from starving?”  What does she think I’m doing?  I’m going to fill this cart up, take it to the checkout then run as fast as I can out of the store?

It moved from my grocery friends onto businesspeople, this was an actual conversation I had when the electric company for a condo I own called me to pay my electric bill.

“Can we update your billing address,” she sounded American on the phone.

I give her my address and phone number, she repeats them back, I say, “Can you tell me how much I owe or can I pay that now?”

She says, “I cannot give out that information to you.”

I’m dumbfounded, “what?  But you just put in my address and telephone number?”

“Yes.”

“But you can’t tell me how much the bill is?”

“I cannot give out that information.”

“But you can mail it to me and I can mail it back?”

“Yes.”

“But I cannot get that information and PAY IT over the phone?”

“Yes.”

Seriously?  Gee, you’re a freaking ELECTRIC COMPANY and I am trying to PAY YOU?  Yes, I’m part of the Terrorist Group - “Let’s pay everyone’s electric bill” Jihadists?  Still waiting on the electric bill in the mail.

Now, it’s infected my family, I tried to keep us Smart with the Wikipedia Sanitizers, the Word of the Day from the Dictionary.  We’re on our way to the mountain for some snowboarding time and my son asks, “Where are we going?”

I look over at him in the car, I want to say, “Hey idiot is there lights on up there,” but I say, “Where do you think?”

He looks dumbfounded.

So I say, “We’re heading to China to visit your cousin, Lauren.”

“Really?”  The one in the back pipes in.

Oh Lord, the dumb virus spread much quicker than I thought, wait, what was I talking about?