WTF - Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss - Do you like the snow?

I am Kel
Kel, Oh well.

That Kel, That Kel
She think's she's swell
That Kel, That Kel
The stories she tells

Would you like some more snow?
Soft and fluffy and off we go?

I do not want any more snow,
I do not want it now you know.

Would you like to take a ride?
Down the hill on skis we glide?

I told you once, I don't want to ride.
This cold weather makes me hide.
And no I don't want more snow.
I do not want it, now you know.

Would you could you hit the rink?
Ice skate around, don't you think?

No, no, I don't want to ride.
Downhill on skis that slide.
I do not, will not hit the rink.
No thanks to ice skating, it just stinks.
And no, no, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Perhaps, a good wintery slope,
It is a perfect day, one could hope?

There is no hope, not even a slope.
It's too cold outside you dope!
I do not want to ride,
I do not want to go outside.
I do not want to hit the rink,
Open that door and I'll cause a stink.
You didn't hear me, please no more snow.
I do not want it, now you know!

Would you, could you think of tubing?
A fun winter sport of choosing?

Take a tube on a cold winter day? 
Leave me be, please, I pray.
I will not ride down a slope,
I will not ride, you dope!
I will not ski, don't you see?
It's too cold outside for me!
I don't want to fall in a rink,
Hit the ice? now way, I think.
I do not want to go out in the snow!
I do not, do not, now you know.

You do not like snow,
So you say,
Try it, try it,
And you may.
Open the door, take a small step outside,
Try it, try it, to say you tried.

Oh Kel, if you'll let me be,
I'll step outside and see.
I'll try the snow, 
I'll try it for you.
I will not like it like you do.

Wait!
It's so pretty, I like the snow!
I like it, I like it! Now I know!
I will go ski on this pretty day.
I'll ride the lift to the top, I say!
I will hit the rink for a turn or two.
I'll even take a break with a brew.
Maybe after that beer in a tube I'll ride,
I'll do it all and stay outside.


I do like the fluffy snow!
I do like it, 
now I know!




  

WTF - What the Friday - Have you been to the Tag Office?

Have you been to the Tag Office lately?  No? I go to the Tag office over in Rural Hall in expectation that since it is in the middle of nowhere I'll be in and out pretty quickly, right?

Nope.

"Honey, the line starts there," a large woman says as I try to peer inside the door and see if it snakes around 1346 times before we even get in.  Someone at the DMV has taken a cue from Disney - hey, there's only three people outside the door, you commit to the line, get excited when you are finally through the door then find...
another line of 75 people snaking INSIDE the building.

So, I stand in the line looking around, realizing:

I only see people like this at Walmart.

What is that smell?

Oh wait, I've seen these people at the Dixie Classic Fair too.

God, I hate droplets of sweat running down my back and in between, well, there.....

Man, what an awful smell.

I finally make it to the front of the line, present my information with a smile, "I'm here to renew my tag!"

She looks at a computer for a few minutes, looks up at me, "There's a tax block on your car."

"A what?"

"A tax block."

"But I paid the taxes on it, here's the receipt."

"You'll have to call them with this confirmation number to remove the block before we can issue your tags.  Here's the number.  Once it is off, come back in, stand by the line and I'll take care of you."

I open my phone, she adds, "You have to make phone calls outside, NEXT IN LINE!"

I walk back out to 92 degree weather and start dialing the number.

"Jerome, you have to be down here to sign the title.  I can't transfer the car without you," I very loud voice is yelling into her phone.  "I waited in line in that hell hole for an hour, now get in your car and get your ass down here NOW!"

I almost want to tell her, "I know how you feel," but the sweat is now running down my back again so I dial the number.

"Winston Salem Tax Office, how can I help you?"

"I need to remove a tax block from my car to get my tags."

"Account number?"

"I read it off."

"You haven't paid your taxes," she says.

"What, I have this confirmation number," I repeat it again.  My hair is plastered to my neck, Leticia is yelling into her phone, "I don't care that you already took your lunch break, tell you boss that I am waiting at the DMV and need you here to sign the title NOW!"

There is silence on the other line, "Yes, you paid your taxes, but you still owe 2.27."

"What?"

"By the time you mailed your check, interest occurred, you owe 2.27."

"Can I pay you?"

"No, you can drive downtown to Chestnut street government building to pay."

"For 2.27?  There isn't another way?"

"You can pay over the phone with this number."

"Great, I'll call and pay, can you remove the block."

"No, then you can to call us back with the new confirmation number and we will remove the block."

"Really?  OK then"

As I dial the new number, Leticia is talking to herself about the stupidity of her brother and how she is the one that is always getting screwed.  I get so caught up in her conversation with herself that I must have pushed something wrong because the WS Tax Office Phone Hotline is now speaking to me in Spanish.  I hang up and call again.

"There will be a 5.99 charge for over the phone payments."

My butt cheeks are hurting at this point, but I punch in the numbers and pay my 2.27, I mean 8.26.

I call back to the Tax office and am informed that my hold time is 15 minutes but a very cheerful computer generated voice.  Leticia is deciding that she's going to McDonalds to wait for her brother, rather than sit in this African Heat because knowing him he's going to be late.

I finally get someone, give them the confirmation and am good to go.  I go back into DMV land, go and stand at the front waiting for the person ahead of me to finish, my dress is soaked with sweat, my hair looks wet and I'm irritated.

"Isn't is nice that some people think they don't have to wait in line."

"Really, should we tell her that the line starts outside?"

"No, we'll do the noble thing, just let her jump in line."

I turn to the two little old ladies behind me and say, "Listen bitches..."

OK, I didn't say that, I DID say, "Hey, I already waited in this line.  SHE," I point to DMV lady number 1, "told me I didn't have to wait again.  Be glad I am only renewing my tags, I'm in and out in a few minutes."

The both turn red, look at each other then look at the floor.  I wait a few more minutes wondering, "what is that SMELL?" I finally get my tags and hop skip and jump out the door.

Of course, when I get home, guess what's waiting in my mailbox.

Yep, a Forsyth County Tax Bill for

you got it

2.27

Ever had that much fun in your life?

I am getting old - Vajazzle?

Sometimes you are taught things that stick with you, or should I say stick on you.  Today I learned about Vajazzle - and I thought you, dear readers could help me process this information.

Vajazzle,  definition please.

Vajazzle, a new form of body art where decorative jewels are fastened to the vagina.  So here's where I'm a little stuck----pun intented.

How are the beads stuck to the vagina.  Are they super glued and therefore have a short shelf life, or are they permanently attached, where your beautiful butterfly vajazzle turns into a hawk with a fish hanging from its beak due to gravity?

Are the beads smooth?  If they are real jewels, with values and edges, then do they get stuck on stuff?  What if you have to go to the bathroom really bad and your panties are stuck on a vajazzle---do you rip them or rip, well......

And what about the fun we like to have, not just vajazzling?  Will it cut you?  Will it cut them?  What if a bead falls off during the process, if it has value - who gets to keep it?

I am assuming from the pictures I've seen, vajazzling requires no hair.  Wouldn't it be cool to create a fairy vajazzle, where the jewels are little fairies peeking out of the bushes?

If you are smooth as a baby's bottom for your vajazzling session - how do you stay smooth?  Tweezers?

What about the single girl and the vajazzle?  How do you explain that to the new man in your life, "Prepare to be dazzled!"  I can only imagine the look on his face on your wedding night when he sees your vajazzle of black and white "Just Married!"

I so enjoy my time at the OB, so much so that I think I need to spend a few hours with someone I don't know staring intently at my hoohee holding tiny little jewels?  Yes, that will make me very comfortable.

How did they come up with vajazzling.  Did someone look at their bedazzle kit, naked, then look at their vagina and think, "I need to staple a few of these beads there, wouldn't THAT be FUN?"

When these exciting new trends surface, they remind me that I am getting old.  Old because my vagina looks pretty good as is, I don't need to vaginercize it into shape, nor do I need to vajazzle covering up a few wrinkles.  I am lucky to have a great man in my life that thinks my personality sparkles enough.

But I can't help but think, what's next boobazzle?

Tittazzling?

It's Friday....Family Fun? NOT!

Ever wonder why parents always talk about drinking wine?  Here's envision vs reality of Friday Night Family Activities:

Spend a family night watching movies - reality - spending the night starting to watch several movies on Netflix before moving on because they are really bad.  Realization - there are a lot of BAD movies on Netflix.

Game Night with the Family - get out the old favorites and play Monopoly with popcorn and sodas.  Reality - a bottle of wine for Mom and another one for Dad as the kids start arguing over who gets what Monopoly piece and way.  Ending game night in the bathroom nursing a bleeding cut from one child throwing his houses at his brother for bankrupting him.

Go out to a nice dinner with the family - enjoy quality conversation with the family on a beautiful evening out.  Reality - arguing with one that he cannot order the Filet Mignon off the adult menu while convincing the second that a dinner of crackers and soda is actually pretty healthy.  Saving enough money this way to order a bottle of wine for Mom and Dad.

Campfire Cookout - outside evening relaxing while listening to nature.  Reality - fight over who gets to light the fire.  Leave hubby to do this deed, him and boys come back with partial eyebrows missing.  Evening spent sitting in the perfect spot for the smoke of the fire to continually hit you in the face, while a child argues with another continuously looking like someone will fall face first into the fire.

Arts and Crafts Night - create beautiful projects to give as gifts for grandmothers and grandfathers.  Reality - painting Inspector Clouseau moustache on your face is not funny.  Painting the dog, not even funny.  Spilling the paint, walking through it then walking through the house - definitely not funny.

Make A Home Movie - create a memory of the fun your family has making a home movie.  Reality - disgusted halfway through because all they want to do is smack their butts in front of the camera.  Then giving up when all they want to do is the Harlem Shake.  Tell them not to keep filming you drinking wine, you'd rather not have that in your memory.

Family Reading Night - sit and enjoy a good book, reading aloud to the family.  Reality - no one wants to sit quietly while you read a book, so they ask questions with every sentence so you get to a point where even you are not sure what you are reading.  To tell your friends that you actually achieved reading night - give them comics - heck, at least they are reading.

So I guess I look forward to Friday because it's one night where I can justify drinking wine - and as a good Mom, at least give a few of these the college try.  Will make any family activity that much easier.

Happy Friday!

My Kryptonite

Have you been over to Trader Joes yet?

I think the store was invented by drug dealers.

It sells itself as a grocery store.

You walk out with a case of wine for $35

What? You don't buy by the case?

A box of salted caramels

Old Fashioned Licorice Twists

Chocolate covered ginger

and the Kryptonite---

Kettle Corn Cookies.

No where else can I justify this much junk on one shopping trip.

Oh wait, I did buy a bunch of bananas to not feel so guilty.

Either they are drug dealers keeping us all on our sugar high,

or

Invented by the guys who created Jeggings (leggings with pockets) because NO ONE will wear regular pants after a few trips to THAT store.

What's your Kryptonite?

Seriously, looking serious!

Here I am looking serious.

Seriously.

My butt has not left this chair,

except to run 11 miles.

Oh, and when the bug fell off the ceiling into my lap.

I may be stationary but my mind is going a million miles a minute.

Some I could share with you

But I'll reserve all the fun for myself.

A Christmas Wish

Merry Christmas to all, my wish for you.

1.  That you don't care - remember caring about what others think of you makes you less of a person, you lose a piece of yourself when you let others control your destiny.  Don't care about what they think care more about what makes you a whole person - mind, body and spirit.

2.  Get moving - enjoy a good dance move every once in a while.  Did you know that more chemicals in your body are released when you get out and bust a move not caring what you look like?  Back to don't caring, bust that move because your body is telling you that you want to say something - really, say it with your body and say it loud.

3.  Do what scares you - remember that feeling of Christmas morning?  You'll feel that way when you accomplish something you've never done before.  Espeically is there is an element of danger to it.  Don't stand behind the excuses of - I'm too old, my body is broken, I'm scared, or so and so won't let me - just go do it.

4.  Don't waste time - I have two great Christmas memories of my parents, and both are of the Christmas when we had the feeling that this could be their last.  We had a great time, we did everything they wanted to do, and we told them those things in our hearts.  Even if it was their last, it was perfect - because it was a great memory that is still held dear.



5.  Fall a few times - many are afraid to fall, but falling is good for you.  The getting up process is a test on how strong you are - do you simply get up?  Or do you get up and keep going?  Do you get up and keep going knowing that what you learned in that fall is the lesson of a lifetime - just behind what you learned in that second before you fell.

6.  Slow down - did you see that?  some one wanted your attention and you blew right by them.  you'll find if you stop a minute, you'll notice so much more.  and what you notice will be sweet and surprising.

Finally I wish you for a morning of soft Christmas kisses, of children whispering outside your door wondering what is in all the pretty packages under the tree.  That they crawl back in bed with you and complain when you tell them that present opening isn't until AFTER breakfast, well, ok, after Mom and Dad get their cup of coffee.  I hope you see those ghosts of Christmas past in their joyous faces - you see those that passed knowing that the joy you feel that day is something that always stays, just like your memories of them.  I hope you sit and watch with a steaming cup of coffee, and think about how great you have it - sure there is trouble around the corner, but you are here.  You are living life.  You are you - and to me, you are perfect.  I wish you happiness, and as always if you need a willing ear to listen, I wish you'll call me first.

 Merry Christmas - peace and joy and happiness.

Kel