WTF - My Smartphone has made me a better person

I knew there was a reason I had to upgrade and move into the latest century with my iPhone5c.  And no, it was not the talk to text feature!  Here's ways my Smartphone has made me a better person.


Energy Conservation - texting saves reams of paper in notes AND the person doesn't have to be there to get the message - a good one OR a bad ome..

Flexibility - I have impressed my husband with some new moves learned while trying to catch a signal.

Adaptability - especially when my phone acts like a have a great signal until I dial a number and it goes, "Oh psych, you have extended network."

Learn New Languages - Texting has become a language all in its own.  I now understand what my BFF is doing when she is "C U L8TR BC I M ROFL W BFF OVR TXT FRM X."  And I can reply "KKK" and she will not think I am part of the Klu Klux Klan.

Psychic - When my BFF texts me, "Live young gnu blossom."  I totally understand her auto correct language replying, "I live gnu blossom took."  (I love your new blouse too)

Read a Map - yes, the person who cannot find her way out of a paper bag can now read a map.  You'll learn too when you let Apple Maps try to get you someplace and end up in the middle of no where with little gas and a phone that says, "Psych, you don't have a signal."

Patience with my children - because they always have to fix my phone.  Or better yet, "set it up for me," which is code language for "you'll never be able to find anything."

Healthier - I have apps that remind me to drink water, what mileage I need to run, a healthy alternative to dinner, when to pluck my chin hairs.  I'll never be unhealthy again - my phone won't let me.

Coordination - there are smart phones everywhere.  Try to limit the amount of footage of you out there falling to a bare minimum.  Unless the falls are epic.

Stronger - you'd be surprised at the definition in my arms from all the selfies I take.

Build Better Relationships - because I can see all the epic fails by people in their Facebook postings and learn what NOT to do!

My phone has made me a better person, I am sure there are more rewards coming down the pike as I actually learn how to use it!

WTF - Internet Acronyms of a Menopausal Woman

I hate acronyms.  There I said it.  But since they are here to stay, here's a few I use....

HFCO - Hot Flash Coming On
WTF WHO TURNED HEAT ON?  I FEEL A HFCO.

ROFL - REALLY OLD

WMWB - Working My Wine Belly
WANNA GO OUT 2NITE?
K, WANNA WMWB, K?

BM - Bitchy Mood
HIDE THE SIDEARMS, GOT A BM COMING ON.

2FT - this is like the 2QT (2 Cute)
GONNA SKIP LUNCH FEELIN 2FT.

BCNU - BECAUSE NOONE UNDERSTANDS
IM NOT TALKIN TO U BCNU

CRST - Can't remember shit
SINCE I HIT 40 I CRST

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
JUST FINISHED BODY PUMP AT THE Y  BTW"

BFF - Best Friends French Fry
I GOT MY PERIOD, I'LL EAT ANYTHING INCLUDING BFF."

CYA - See you later.
HITTING HH WILL I CYA? (translation, "I'm hitting Happy Hour, will I See Ya?"

CYA - Cover Your *ss
IF U R GOING 2 WM, CYA"  (translation:  "If you are going to Walmart, Cover your *ss)

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
CAN'T FIND MY CAR FWIW - HELP!  NEED SOMEONE TO CYA"

ZBC - Zit Be Gone
I'M OVER 40, WTH I NEED THIS ZBC."

BRB  - BE RIGHT BACK OR BRING YOUR BOTTLE
FINISHED THE RED WINE, YOU'LL NEED TO BRB."

DILIGAS
"Mom, I forgot my homework."
DILIGAS
What?
Do I look like.....

So when you see your Mom texting, or you receive a text you can use this handy list to understand what she is trying to say.

How to get lost in the phone system!

Imagine this with that lovely robotic voice from all the times you’ve called automated services….


“Hello, and welcome to the lost phone call answering service. Let’s get started by getting some basic information. Are you alive or dead?

Alive.

I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you, are you alive or dead?

Alive.

I’m sorry, did you say you were alive?

Alive!

Great, what do you want to do? Say something like: I want to wait forever on the phone, or I don’t have a life that’s why I’m calling, or I’m having a heart attack.

I want to spend the rest of my life on the phone.

I’m sorry did you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life on the phone?

Yes.

Great, then let’s get started. If you want to spend the rest of your life on the phone then we need to schedule a appointment. Do you want to schedule an appointment?

Yes,

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. Did you want to schedule an appointment?

Yes,

I’m sorry, I didn’t get that, did you want schedule an appointment?

YYYYYYEEEEEESSSSSS!!

OK, great. Then let’s transfer you to appointments. Click, elevator music, click, more elevator music.


Welcome to the elevator music from hell, you’re wait time is……..

16 days, 4 hours and 3 minutes………

Any experiences ladies? Do you have to sound like Conan The Barbarian with those automated systems?