Signs you should really go back to reality

Is it really over?  Are we finishing up the last days?  Can I hold onto them for just a little bit longer?  Here's a few reasons why our Christmas Holiday and Winter Break need to end.

1.  My lounge pants have filed a restraining order - they've been abused by me for 14 days, I'm sure they'll need years of therapy they feel so dirty.

2.  My razor has filed a missing persons report on me - sure I'm in the mountains and Sasquatch type hair is normal, but having to grab the scissors before the razor is simply not good.

3.  My stove has asked me to end the separation - it misses me, and judging from my waistline I miss it too.

4.  My Vegetables are talking behind my back - they are whispering to each other that the bloated feeling and the flatulence is a result of a basic chicken tender diet for 14 days - oh and adding the jalapeno pickles does not constitute a vegetable.

5.  There is something wrong with my kids - they have spent so much qaulity time together that they, and I are just took tired to fight anymore.

6.  Facebook has filed a restraining order - I officially received a letter from Marc Zuckerberg asking me to stop clogging the Facebook database with all my witty status updates.

7.  The check engine light came on for my liver - yes, spending way too much time at a ski resort will do this.  My son actually asked his Dad for some Tamiflu for the ride up the lift pointing to the flask.

8.  I watch Lifetime Channel - I've watched so many movies that I'm down to Hallmark and Lifetime to find something new.

9.  My books miss me - I've hit mottom when my reading consists of status updates and blogs.  My books gathering dust on the side table sobbing.

10.  I can't fit in my pants.

She wore WHAT???

Last night in the middle of blizzard, I had to share with you the best outfit, I've seen on the mountain so far.

It's a grand opening for a local restaurant, a band, some food, and 2 dollar beers.  Sounds like a fun cozy place right?

Enter from stage left is a woman about my age, 21 plus a lot of change.  I notice that she's walking funny.  Almost like she's limping or something.  Her man that she's with is looking back with a bit of annoyance that she's not walking quick enough to keep up with him.

Set the scene - it is 14 degrees outside, 20-50 mph gusts of wind - snow falling hard and heavy.

She is in bling bling stilettos.  Yes, 2 inch stiletto heels with a tight pair of jeggings (they didn't look like my jeggings.)  You see my jeggings are to look like denim, so on my legs it looks like I've got pieces of sausage encased in denim covering.  Now she chose white, so her legs REALLY look like they are in sausage casing.  The big gold/black/studded belt to draw the eye from her waist worked because you can't miss her big butt in the white jeggings. The black harley shirt is pulled tight against some very wonderbraed boobies, making Davidson hard to read.   A chunky necklace, high teased hair, and a leopard print vest with gold buttons.  She had the permanent "I've had plastic surgery" smile with a "I know it's a little too much collagen" lips to match.  I wondered if she could whistle the skin so tight on her face, the lips so big.

My table has a debate:

The girls say, Jeez what is she wearing?  Isn't she a little old for that outfit.  And heels?  We're at a ski resort - you don't wear heels to a ski resort!!

The guys say she looks fine.  That even in that type of weather if she's simply walking from the car to the restaurant then she's good with the heels.  Her boyfriend is probably happy because she's wearing the heels for him.

The gals say, Or he's having to pick her up when she busts it on the ice in those ankle breakers.

The guys joke, you're jealous because you are not wearing the blingo heals she has...

The gals argue that she looks miserable.  That she needs to drop the boyfriend, break off the heels and put on a sweatshirt, she'd be much happier.

The guys say, how can she not be happy, she's got a man with her.

The girls look at them dumbfounded, then say bet she cannot feel her pinkie toe due to the shoes.

The guys say, so, who needs a pinkie toe anyway.

The girls say why can't the dude she's with get out of his jeans and T-shirt and wear something tighter like her.

Everyone looks at the boyfriend with the woman, pauses and says, Never mind.

What do you think?  10 inches of snow on the ground, would you break out the silettos to impress a dude?  Or pop on the furry Uggs and call it a night?

Happy Birthday Mom!

My mother would have been, let's see, I have no idea old today.  She always hated that her birthday was 4 days after Christmas, which prompted all of us to have specific birthday gifts - not the usual, "This is for Christmas AND your birthday!"

I miss my Mom on her birthday, more than most days.  As a birthday gift for her, here's a few things about my Mom that make me smile.

1.  Every holiday we'd bring a nice (not our usual 2 buck chuck) wine for the holiday dinner.  My mother would accept it and say, "Wow, this is wonderful, let me put it in the refrigerator now so it's nice and cold for dinner."  You know what, we never said anything just drank cold Zinfindel.

2.  We had a golden retriever named Red that went to obedience school three times and never listened to any of us.  Except one time, he jumped out of the window in a moving car on the highway and my mother chased him down Rt 29 until she yelled in her Mom Voice, "Red SIT!"  Surprise to everyone, he actually sat.

3.  We had a terrific wind storm at our neighborhood the day one of my neighbors decided or his wife made him get rid of his Playboy collection.  His trash can fell over and the magazines flew all over the neighborhood.  I can see my mother out in her raincoat, golashes, big winter hat walking up and down the street collecting all those pictures of naked girls.  I never told her my brother found them in our trash can and SOME of them ended up in his tree house in the woods.

4.  My mother actually took me to the doctor when mosquito bites appeared on my chest.  She was afraid I had cancer, he said it was boobies.  After a few therapy sessions later in my life, I can laugh about it now.

5.  Taking a Twin Otter from Mainland Ireland to the Aran Islands and they had to weigh everyone BEFORE they boarded the plane.  On a Shorts 330 from Miami to the Bahamas she leaned over and whispered to me, "My Volkswagon has more aerodynamics than this thing."

6.  Dr. Norma always fixed a broken doll - broken from a fight between girls that involved yanking the doll between them until an arm was pulled off, or when SOMEONE got mad enough to stand by the couch and slam the doll against it until the head popped off (and not a one of us became a serial killer, go figure)  She never wore the uniform and most of our real bumps and bruises prompted the question, "Well I guess we could just cut the arm off?"

7.  The first time she met my husband we had been out to a party and she threw him out of the house, throwing beer cans at him as he walked down the street.  The second time she met him, he wrecked his car right before dinner, left the car and came to meet us, picking glass out of his suitcoat.  But obviously she liked him, (he lived with my family so far) because of her last notes said, "You two are made for each other...."  She was right even if they didn't get off to a good start.  (The showing up with a van to move me out before we were married didn't help either)

Growing up in the coal country of PA, my Mom taught me hard word and honesty will get you far, and don't take anything off of anyone.  She also worked out every day until she couldn't.  Finally, she always worked at bettering herself, to going back to school and demanding promotions.

I wish my Mom was around so I could ask her questions that I wouldn't ask anyone else, something like, "I don't remember you being this bitchy when your menopause started, is there something wrong with me?"  Or how do you make it through those wild feelings of waking up and your kids are grown, how did you handle that?  Or remember those nutty rolls, they've never been the same, can you write that recipe down for me again?  Finally, I really miss those girls trips when we all let our hair down and talked about anything and everything, especially these questions---obviously deleted here.

Here's to a great Mom, and a great birthday.  The only person brave enough to go up to the Sister that was principle at our school and tell her she was, "snowing in the south."  Those that get it, get it.

Much love, Kels

Oh by the way, happy birthday to my bestie - Nicole, you share the same values as a great person!!!

Embrace what you accomplished in 2012!

Counting the days to 2013, glad the world didn't end.  But there were resolutions I didn't succeed in achieving.  Here's what I did achieve, and I am proud of it:

I finally achieved my resolution of working with neglected children.  My children are very happy about the attention.

I can now stay in my pajamas for an entire day and not have a single family member complain about it - I guess they are getting used to it.

I have stopped complaining about procrastinating.  I'm waiting on that one to add to 2013.

I am happy to announce that I achieved an all time high of 2,162 in support of Starbucks.  They are very happy with my purchases and sent me a thank you note.  Now to spend just as much with Weight Watchers to get me off the 1,254 calorie Toffee Nut Caramel Chocolate Gingerbread Mocha with extra whip whip.

The stove and I after a difficult separation have decided to try it again.  We're hoping for great things in 2013.

I have also created a healthy relationship with Autocorrect - I have published my list of misspellings for my friends so they truly understand what I am texting them.  Especially when I tell them that "I lobe them."

It is always good to celebrate your accomplishments, and not dwell on what you didn't accomplish - or worse yet get into a frenzy trying to accomplish everything in the last 4 days of the year.  So be happy with your prosperous 2012 and let's all start writing down our resolutions for 2013!

What is that noise? A Nightmare After Christmas!

It's out there, that phantom noise that starts at 2:46 in the morning.

Your First thought, "What is that?"

Then you lie there thinking about it.  "It's just some random toy."

"I'll find it when I wake up."

"Why does it make that noise?"

"I wonder if it will stop."

"What type of pattern is the noise?"

"Are the batteries running low?"

"How long until it shuts off?"

Finally you can't stand it any more, you get up walk down to the wreckage that once was your Christmas tree and look at the pile of loot.  It's not giving up any information as the noise sounds behind you in the children's playroom.

"Dang.  It's in the black hole, how will I find it in there?"

"I'll just go back to bed, they'll find it when they wake up."

"There is it again, what is that?"

You trip over the baseball bat, picking it up thinking, "Once I find that piece of #%$^, it's pulverized."

"There is goes again, where is it!!"

Finally under a pile of stuffed toys you find the stupid thing, a electronic game sitting open to the "Pause/Resume" screen.  FINALLY!

"Mom, why are you holding my game?"

You look up and there's your little one getting ready to witness you smashing their new toy, freshly delivered from Santa Claus  How much therapy would that create?

"Nothing honey, go back to bed."

Finally the house is quiet, you're staring at the ceiling, thinking, "I've got two more hours before I have to be up."

"What is that noise?"

A Christmas Wish

Merry Christmas to all, my wish for you.

1.  That you don't care - remember caring about what others think of you makes you less of a person, you lose a piece of yourself when you let others control your destiny.  Don't care about what they think care more about what makes you a whole person - mind, body and spirit.

2.  Get moving - enjoy a good dance move every once in a while.  Did you know that more chemicals in your body are released when you get out and bust a move not caring what you look like?  Back to don't caring, bust that move because your body is telling you that you want to say something - really, say it with your body and say it loud.

3.  Do what scares you - remember that feeling of Christmas morning?  You'll feel that way when you accomplish something you've never done before.  Espeically is there is an element of danger to it.  Don't stand behind the excuses of - I'm too old, my body is broken, I'm scared, or so and so won't let me - just go do it.

4.  Don't waste time - I have two great Christmas memories of my parents, and both are of the Christmas when we had the feeling that this could be their last.  We had a great time, we did everything they wanted to do, and we told them those things in our hearts.  Even if it was their last, it was perfect - because it was a great memory that is still held dear.



5.  Fall a few times - many are afraid to fall, but falling is good for you.  The getting up process is a test on how strong you are - do you simply get up?  Or do you get up and keep going?  Do you get up and keep going knowing that what you learned in that fall is the lesson of a lifetime - just behind what you learned in that second before you fell.

6.  Slow down - did you see that?  some one wanted your attention and you blew right by them.  you'll find if you stop a minute, you'll notice so much more.  and what you notice will be sweet and surprising.

Finally I wish you for a morning of soft Christmas kisses, of children whispering outside your door wondering what is in all the pretty packages under the tree.  That they crawl back in bed with you and complain when you tell them that present opening isn't until AFTER breakfast, well, ok, after Mom and Dad get their cup of coffee.  I hope you see those ghosts of Christmas past in their joyous faces - you see those that passed knowing that the joy you feel that day is something that always stays, just like your memories of them.  I hope you sit and watch with a steaming cup of coffee, and think about how great you have it - sure there is trouble around the corner, but you are here.  You are living life.  You are you - and to me, you are perfect.  I wish you happiness, and as always if you need a willing ear to listen, I wish you'll call me first.

 Merry Christmas - peace and joy and happiness.

Kel

Clearly the OMG Christmas Gifts!!

Gifts I do not want for Christmas:




1.  The Wine Rack - a combination sports bra and wine holder.  I'm assuming this is only for red wine as the cubes in the white could have your puppies barking - giving it away as you try to sneak in from the tailgate.  And at only $9 you know you can put cheap wine in your rack and not feel guilty.

2.  Thumb War Arena - I love playing thumb wars, but putting it into an arena?  Seriously.  I'll still win and make them feel worse when we record the match.

3.  A boob creamer - I love cream in my coffee and I don't really care to know where it came from.  But a squeezable Boob Creamer?  Honestly, It should look like an udder not a boob, unless during your breast feeding days you want to fill it with, well, never mind.

4.  Butt Putt - a farting putt putt hole, complete with all the sound effects.  As a mother of boys, I really don't need anything else in the house that farts and plays with balls.

5.  Nose Pencil Sharpener - I don't like anything up the nose, hence why I will never do drugs, but sticking a pencil up there and twisting just seems twisted to me.  Especially if the pencil comes out sharpened but with a nice green gooey substance all over it.

6.  Please, please buy me the Santa's Farting butt pillow - it would be perfect!

Now, how to accept a gift you do not want:

1.  Sharp intake of breath - this makes them think that they took you by surprise.  By getting EXACTLY what you wanted.

2.  Wide eyes with sharp intake of breath - show surprise that they were so thoughtful that they picked the PERFECT gift for you.

3.  Mouth in shape of an O - this tells them that you are having hot flashes over the gift, hold your breath and your face with turn red enhancing their experience.

4.  Put everything down and look seriously at them - with a "how did you know" type look.  How did they know to find that perfect gift.

5.  "You shouldn't have"  This is partially true, they will not understand it until they find their gift sitting under the tree next year - regifted.

What Santa Really Wants To Tell You!!

Rules for the Santa line:

1.  If your child is screaming, I mean screaming - get them off my lap.  You will not get the picture.  You will only get a picture of them screaming, my hearing is already going and 15 minutes screaming in my ear does not help.

2.  If your child is sick for god's sake keep them at home.  Photoshop them into a picture with me NOT screaming and be happy.  If one more child pukes in my lap, I'm going to candy cane his parents.

3.  Make sure the older kids have the list in their mind.  There's nothing worse than watching a line of pissed off parents wait while a child sits and says, "I don't know."  They are here to give me their list, make sure they HAVE a list.  Written lists work better, it helps me remember.  I am getting old you know.

4.  Please check all diapers, pull ups, bladders prior to the visit with my lap.  I've moved to wearing waterproof pants because of all the little beasts that pee in my lap.

5.  When I have to go feed the reindeer, I have to go feed the reindeer.  Don't get mad because you decided to come to the mall with the rest of humanity 5 days prior to Christmas to visit with me.  I've been here since Thanksgiving - and I am tired.  So don't expect me to pull double shift because you want your turn to put your screaming child on my lap.

Rules for Christmas Eve

5.  The correlation between what goes under your tree is directly affect by what sits in the glass and on the plate.  A few home made cookies will do, and a nice Cohiba for the drive would be even better.

4.  My reindeer eat reindeer food, not carrots.  If you don't have reindeer food, then leave them another Cohiba for me to have after the midnight drive.

3.  Having a fire lit in the fireplace is not funny.  Period.

2.  DO NOT wait up.  Seriously, I've got plenty of houses to visit in one night and waiting for you to fall asleep just ticks me off.  Go to bed, stay in bed and you'll get some booty - parents you know what I mean.

1.  Do not send any letters or make any phone calls to the North Pole until 30 days after Christmas.  You get what you get and don't pitch a fit!

You know its Christmas season when....

10.  You're up at 4am baking Gingerbread Men for your son's class.

9.  You're not surprised when your son says, "Oh and I signed you up for goody bags for tomorrow's Winter Treat."

8.  You throw your glass of wine at the TV when the 1546th jewelry commercial comes on because your honey is definitely not "Going To Jared."

7.  You've found the Christmas presents you hid last year while looking for the ones you hid this year.

6.  Working out consists of not lifting the spoon with the cookie dough on it to your lips during that 4am gingerbread session.

5.  You are sleeping in Ugly Christmas Sweaters because well, they really are comfortable.

4.  You are looking for a piece of coal in the garage to put the fear of Santa into your child's heart.

3.  Egg Nog is considered one of the four main food groups - it does have eggs right?

2.  You've now used fishing line, 2 inch nails and duct tape to keep the tree upright.

1.  Packages are arriving on your doorstep of shit you ordered online when having a glass of wine late at night - and most of it is for you.

Do Your Children Play THESE Games?

My kids have made up their own games.  In case you have younger children, here's some insider knowledge on how to play their games.  These are the same children that pose angelically next to me in all the photos I post to Facebook.

The Wrong Answer - My youngest will ask the oldest a question.  It doesn't matter what the question is, "How are you," "Do you want me to give you twenty dollars," or ,"Is your hair really on fire."  What does the oldest come back with,

Your face

Seriously, he answers everything the youngest says with Your Face.  My first thought is, what does that mean?  Your face.  Then as he says it over and over again, I start to get annoyed.  The youngest continues to ask the same question over and over again, always getting the answer, "your face."  I turn in the car and look at both of them thinking, "How did they get such good grades at school, when they probably answered every question on their test with Your Face."

Stonewall Game.  They will be sitting RIGHT NEXT to each other, usually in the car and my youngest says, "Wolfgang,"
He doesn't answer him.
"Wolfgang"
Yes, they are sitting right next to each other and he acts like he doesn't hear him.
"Wolfgang."

Does the youngest stop and do something else?  No he continues to sit there saying his brother's name over and over again until I swerve the car off the road, avoiding the ditch and turn around and scream, "PLEASE ANSWER HIM."  Say anything, even Your Face just acknowledge the kid!


Come And Get It - this game they play involved anything they both are trying to get to.  Elevator buttons, Wii controllers, certain chair at the breakfast table (yes, we do have four)  When it becomes apparent that we are going to the elevator, table, car - there's a WWE smack down right in front of me as the older one throws the youngest to the floor as does a Carl Lewis type sprint to the desired object.  Periodically he can be tripped by the youngest along the way, but if the youngest makes it to desired object, then the oldest will throw him out of the way with a "your face."

MINE! - The youngest will have a desired object - pencil, paper, DS, dog - and if the oldest one wants it, he immediately takes it out of his hands.  The youngest will scream, the parent will scream, "give it back" and then the wrestling begins.  Usually the only object that survives this game is the dog, and she's gotten smart enough to hide when she sees a child coming toward her to pick her.

The Room Key - this game is a lot like a combination of Keep Away, and I want it.  The room key hits the front desk and usually the taller one has the advantage of grabbing it first.  They then wrestle to the elevator with the younger one crying that it was "his turn" to use the key.  I stand in the elevator acting like I don't know the children as they fight all the way up to the floor.  Finally down the hallway to the door, where the oldest attempts to use the key and it doesn't work.  I wait patiently as he continually says, "I got it," and the door will not open, luggage digging into my shoulder.  Finally we realize the key has been de-magnetized in the fight and someone has to go back down to the desk and get a new one.

I Dare You - this is a game my husband and I play.  I've gotten very good at this one.  They boys will start with an argument, that then turns into the sounds of elephants playing downstairs, with a lot of grunting.  My husband starts by looking at me, then going back to his computer.  Looking at me again, as I am oblivious to the noise (yes, I know it's another one of their games) Finally like me playing the Stonewall game, he can't stand it anymore and says, "Shouldn't one of us go down there?"

To which I answer, "Your face."





shouldn't you go stop that


Tell your borther to get up, son screams, "GET UP

When I grow up...

When I grow up
      I will be tall
I will forget anything
     that made me feel small.
I will hold my head
    higher than the sun,
When I grow up, I will
     listen to no one.

I will wear what I want
   be gone with good fashion.
It will be more for simply comfort
     than trying to look dashing.

I will actually say, "Excuse me"
   from time to time,
And not get involved when people
    start to whine.

I will dare myself to jump
  off of the ledge.
Life is meant to be lived
     not sitting on that edge.

I'll give myself permission to
   just be me.
Because seriously, who else
   could I be?

When I grow up, I'll be as loud
    as I can.
Wait a minute, grow up?  I already am....

Santa Sent Me A Letter!!

Dear Mrs. Melang:

I am writing to you about your excessive use of the Santa Claus Parents’ Hotline.  This line is meant for parents who want to change their child’s status on Santa’s list as a last minute nice list change,  not as a daily rant from the Melang household.

Using Santa Claus and coal as a means to get your children to behave does not work, you should have learned that last year when we had to change the phone number due to excessive use.    Please think of something different than the fifteen minute messages that begin with you saying, “you’re not going to believe this.”

Please also inform your children that the number of letters sent to Santa’s inbox changing their Christmas list is becoming excessive, also Santa gets enough letters from the children of the world, he doesn’t need your children clogging his Inbox with excuses for their behavior listed in your phone call of the day.  And sending pictures of their rooms does not automatically put them on the naughty list.

Henceforth, we will be marking your emails as SPAM and hope that you will think twice before sending another letter to Santa.  He is contemplating putting coal in your stocking as a reply to your "Why haven't you answered me, Santa" letter.  Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Cletus Senior Santa Correspondence Elf

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
Take a look at the five and ten
 in my belly when I bend 
With muffin tops and great skin rash
to show! 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
fans on ev'ry floor 
But the prettiest sight to see 
is how full my glass will be 
after my own first pour!

Forget the hopalong boots just a pistol that shoots 
Is the wish of mine today; 
kids that will clean 
and me as the queen 
Is the hope of at the end of the day 

And hubby that can hardly wait to go to work again!

It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause 
Ev'ry hot flash; 
There's sweat as I toss and turn, 
all night as I yearn, 
For a good night's sleep as I crash. 


It's beginning to look a lot like Menopause; 
Soon the bitch will come, 
And the thing that will make her smile is the prescription on the vial 
As her mind goes numb....

On the first day of Christmas Facebook gave to me...

On the twelfth Day of Christmas
Facebook gave to me,
Twelve coupons to expire,
Eleven people doing nothing,
Ten sponsored ads,
Nine fake pictures,
Eight people fighting,
Seven Moms complaining,
Six perfect families,
FIVE HOT DUDES!!
Four people poking,
Three funny photos,
Two error messages,
And only one online parolee!

How this Mom saves money....

Now that it seems the economy is tanking, here's some great ways for parents to save money.

1.  DO NOT buy expensive socks, it is a sure fire way to lose one of them.

2.  Convince your children that water is good for them, you'll burn calories arguing.

3.  Tell your kids that the Lost and Found at their school is the FREE shopping area.  They'll come home with some GREAT stuff.  Do the same at the library.

4.  Tell your kids that you are going to eat lunch at Costco, then eat lunch at Costco - at the sample bins.

5.  Tell your children the Highlights Magazine at the doctor's office can be borrowed.  If you feel guilty enough return it when they've circled all the hidden pictures.

6.  Borrow toilet paper from any place you can borrow, that also includes Splenda packets, ketchup, mustard and mayo.  It only takes 26 packets of mayo to make tuna salad.

7.  Explain that the dog is the only heating device in the house, and their flatulence is increasing the temperature in their bed as you tuck them in together.

8.  Explain that the toilet paper is cut into squares because one square is all they need, that's what hand washing is for.

9.  Send your children into the store with your expired coupons, make sure they are dressed cute.

10.  Explain to your children that you are not cheap, you just financially challenged!

Hello Spammy!

Today I did a short lesson in humanity, I checked my spam folder.  Here's what I learned from the titles:

1.  Fwd: reply - from Jennifer Aniston.  I didn't know we were back on talking terms again.  I guess she saw my latest picture and is letting me know I need to lose weight.

2.  Huge natural b00bs - I guess in this subject line they are trying to show me how they will stand out, but on my body will they stand up?

3.  jus sign up you life suxx befora - what does this mean Jana?  Are you friends with Jennifer?

4.  I LUV V PILL ONLY FOR PENNIES - I know they are yelling at me, but hey, I'm not the one that needs the V pill.  I am quite happy right now.

5.  Here's my favorite - USApenis.com budget tip - now I've always warned about the little head thinking for the big head, but about budget tips?  No thanks.

Here's ones that I actually clicked on -

1.  Tasering our way to the zombie apocalypse - I thought with the Mayan calendar coming to an end, I could use the information.  Took me to Christian single men looking for love.

2.  Luxuriant Hair Flowing Club for Scientits - I wanted to get my hair to flow better, and I had to be sure the typo was actually a typo.  Took me to Christian single men looking for love.

3.  When did you put that picture up - of course like a train wreck, I had to look and no it wasn't from Jennifer Aniston.  Took me to Christian Single men looking for love.

4.  Enjoy your Pretzel Anniversary Offer - surprise nothing to do with lengthening any pretzels close to my heart but an actual pretzel company, and a coupon.  Unfortunately never heard of the pretzel company.

5.  Single Christian Guys Looking for Faithful Women - of course when I clicked on this one, it took me to the Mayan website and....the end of the world.

Only 21 days left! Ack!

Everyone in the Christmas frenzy so I'm relaxing and doing what I do best, waiting until the last minute.  Just to help you along with all the shopping, I've decided to Kelly Melang style a few
Christmas Carols.

The Christmas Song

Chests and nuts popping out of inappropriate attire,
Bad smells nipping at my nose .
People pushing, each child a cryer,
As folks dressed up in anything goes.

Everybody knows a turkey and some PBR,
Help to make the season bright.
Tiny tots strapped into the childproof plastic car,
Will try to find different parents tonight.

They know that Walmart's where they're stuck,
Mom's loaded lots of diapers and groceries in their truck,
And when it's time to leave every person is forming a line,
Behind the one and only open checkout sign!

And so if you're looking for some really great deals.
and you can't seem to handle a crowd.
Although it's been said you'll get a flat screen for a steal,
Stay out of Walmart, for crying out loud.

How to know Thanksgiving is over, or something smells...

Ten ways to know that the Thanksgiving holiday is OVER...

10.  You just realize your Pumpkin decorations are rotten.

9.   Your pants don't fit.

8.   You've lost the urge to eat pumpkin cake or drink pumpkin spice coffee.

7.  You're finally sick of turkey.

6.  You're afraid to step on the scale.

5.  You've become very fond of stretchy pants.

4.  You are still sore from pushing those shoppers out of the way on Black Friday.

3.  The dog has thrown up the wish bone.

2.  Monday morning felt like the first day of school after summer break - no one could get moving.

1.  You find  "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas...." stuck in your brain from the Christmas music on the radio!

What are you thankful for?

Things I am Thankful for on Thanksgiving

1. I don’t have to get up and walk to the TV to change the channel anymore.
2. I never had to walk two miles in the snow, EVER, to get to school, especially barefoot and uphill.
3. That Twinkies may have another chance
4. My phone is not attached to a wall.
5. My encyclopedia is now the internet
6. That I can throw away a dirty diaper
7. Stretchy Jeans
8. It only takes 3 minutes in the microwave to make popcorn
9. I didn’t have to sing 1000 bottles of beer on the wall during out 7 hour car ride
10. Spray on suntan lotion - except on that windy day.