Man oh man

One of the leading news stories this morning was about a bill introduced to outlaw words with the word "man" in it. So colleges cannot call their incoming students "freshmen."

Seriously?

So what are they, fresh people, or fresh crowd, or fresh human beings? Or we just go with the obvious, "students."

In this city do they have police people? And personholes? Do they have peopleowars washing up in the beaches?

They say that the move is to keep women from being offended by the use if the word MAN. Seriously, was anyone really worrying about this?

Here's what I picture. City councilman, I mean city council person sitting behind a very large desk, "my constitutes, don't worry our unemployment, I'm sorry, our unemploypersonent rate is 16.9%, we need to work on hiring more word police taking THE MAN out of everything."

It is these things that not just make you sigh, but make you slap your head saying,"MAN oh MAN". Oh, I'm sorry, "PERSON oh PERSON."

Do Your Children Play THESE Games?

My kids have made up their own games.  In case you have younger children, here's some insider knowledge on how to play their games.  These are the same children that pose angelically next to me in all the photos I post to Facebook.

The Wrong Answer - My youngest will ask the oldest a question.  It doesn't matter what the question is, "How are you," "Do you want me to give you twenty dollars," or ,"Is your hair really on fire."  What does the oldest come back with,

Your face

Seriously, he answers everything the youngest says with Your Face.  My first thought is, what does that mean?  Your face.  Then as he says it over and over again, I start to get annoyed.  The youngest continues to ask the same question over and over again, always getting the answer, "your face."  I turn in the car and look at both of them thinking, "How did they get such good grades at school, when they probably answered every question on their test with Your Face."

Stonewall Game.  They will be sitting RIGHT NEXT to each other, usually in the car and my youngest says, "Wolfgang,"
He doesn't answer him.
"Wolfgang"
Yes, they are sitting right next to each other and he acts like he doesn't hear him.
"Wolfgang."

Does the youngest stop and do something else?  No he continues to sit there saying his brother's name over and over again until I swerve the car off the road, avoiding the ditch and turn around and scream, "PLEASE ANSWER HIM."  Say anything, even Your Face just acknowledge the kid!


Come And Get It - this game they play involved anything they both are trying to get to.  Elevator buttons, Wii controllers, certain chair at the breakfast table (yes, we do have four)  When it becomes apparent that we are going to the elevator, table, car - there's a WWE smack down right in front of me as the older one throws the youngest to the floor as does a Carl Lewis type sprint to the desired object.  Periodically he can be tripped by the youngest along the way, but if the youngest makes it to desired object, then the oldest will throw him out of the way with a "your face."

MINE! - The youngest will have a desired object - pencil, paper, DS, dog - and if the oldest one wants it, he immediately takes it out of his hands.  The youngest will scream, the parent will scream, "give it back" and then the wrestling begins.  Usually the only object that survives this game is the dog, and she's gotten smart enough to hide when she sees a child coming toward her to pick her.

The Room Key - this game is a lot like a combination of Keep Away, and I want it.  The room key hits the front desk and usually the taller one has the advantage of grabbing it first.  They then wrestle to the elevator with the younger one crying that it was "his turn" to use the key.  I stand in the elevator acting like I don't know the children as they fight all the way up to the floor.  Finally down the hallway to the door, where the oldest attempts to use the key and it doesn't work.  I wait patiently as he continually says, "I got it," and the door will not open, luggage digging into my shoulder.  Finally we realize the key has been de-magnetized in the fight and someone has to go back down to the desk and get a new one.

I Dare You - this is a game my husband and I play.  I've gotten very good at this one.  They boys will start with an argument, that then turns into the sounds of elephants playing downstairs, with a lot of grunting.  My husband starts by looking at me, then going back to his computer.  Looking at me again, as I am oblivious to the noise (yes, I know it's another one of their games) Finally like me playing the Stonewall game, he can't stand it anymore and says, "Shouldn't one of us go down there?"

To which I answer, "Your face."





shouldn't you go stop that


Tell your borther to get up, son screams, "GET UP

That was Then This is Now

Looking for my reading glasses again made me come up with some ways my life has changed since finally hitting that OVER 21 MARK!  You can always add your own to this growing list:

I used to walk into a room and forget why I went there, now I surf to a website and wonder why I went there.

We used to have girls night out where we talked about guys, now it’s girls night out and all we talk about is our different medications.

Used to be sunglasses found on top of the head, now it’s always reading glasses.

Sports bras were a necessity to hold everything in, now they’re a necessity to hold everything UP!

Children should be seen but not heard, now if I don't hear my children, I’m not worried.


Used to make wonderful creations in the kitchen, now it's searching for my reading glasses to see the back of the package for directions.

Don’t make me have to come over there, now it’s don’t make me have to get out of my chair.  (yes, I am getting slower)


My children used to scream for me from another room, now they TEXT me from another room.  (still doesn't work)

It used to be “honey, I have a headache,” now it’s “honey, it’s past my bedtime.”


Used to be........ as the drug of choice, now it's coffee, the only thing safe enough for my system AND will keep me awake.

People used to live vicariously through me, now I live vicariously through reality TV Shows.

I used to make my children nap, now I explain to peopled, “Thomas Jefferson took a nap every day,” as I fall asleep in my chair.

What do you get when you mix TSA with Children?

Rules for traveling with children:

Be completely clear with your children - put the bag down must be followed by a "pick it back up and put it on the security belt."  Otherwise you'll spend 30 minutes explaining to TSA that you left a bag by the security belt followed by the full body cavity search.  (Jeff was very excited.)

Champagne is considered good breakfast food when traveling with children.  It made the full body cavity search a little easier and when the people turn around and yell at your kids to "stop kicking their fing seat" you can just look at them and laugh.

If you have some free time in the airport, hang at the moving sidewalks.  Enjoy watching your kids run back and forth falling each time as the sidewalk ends while saying to the person next to you, "who's kids are those?"

No matter how many electronics - DVD players, iPads, iTouches, DS's you have, it is much more fun to wrestle in their seats for 5 and a half hours kicking the seats in front of them while you sip on champagne!

The size of the drink sitting in the cup in front of you is directly related to the number of times your children will kick the tray in front of them and almost spill it.

"Why did they make the shades go up and down on the window, if not to move them up and down?"  You say with a smile and champagne in your hand to the businessman asking they stop putting the shade up and down.

Once the plane arrives at the gate the ding of the bell is a signal for kids to try and get to the front of the plane even if that means pushing all women and children and businessmen out of the way.

Bags?  They are meant to hit everyone on the way out of the plane, not for packing things.

Politely ignore the comments that most are thinking but no one is saying, like, "what smells so bad." or "why isn't this line moving faster," or "that lady with the purple bag is holding up the line."

The joy of arriving without divorcing your spouse, or with one less child combined with the excitement on their faces when they see the snow covered mountains - yeah, it's worth it!

What are your rules for the road when traveling with children?

I am the Queen of Pins!

Continuing my Pinterest addiction, I thought I'd share some great pins for your boards, because I'm bored!!  Ha ha!  Had to add my thoughts too....

Ahhh, I never thought of poison....Buwahahah!

I know a few people who could take this advice!

And THAT is why I gave up the singing career.

Maybe one day we'll actually find it!

Why can't I come up with combacks like these?

My son may not write any notes but he's a prodigy in my mind.

Wonder if either of them would pass?

Of course this after a drunk John Barrymore got caught with his wienie in his hand in the Ladies Room!

What would you do with a battleship?

Know a few people like this too.

Nothing like beer goggles!

So have some fun pinning and if I have you a little smile, then it's a job well done!  What comebacks would you add?

Strike While the Iron's Hot!

Trained quicker than Pavlov’s dogs, my kids can quickly smell blood in the water and they don’t circle, they go directly in for the kill.  Kill our wallets that is!  We could take them into Dick’s Sporting Goods, buy a bottle of BB’s and get out without a single whine.  They they realized that each and every store we walk into has STUFF for THEM, so they went from wanting to sit in the car and play video games to ALWAYS coming in with us!

Why?  Because Daddy has his wallet open, and when it’s open there’s a really good chance they can pull a few dollars out of it.  Case in point at the ski resort this weekend, my wonderful husband was getting his skis tuned so he went over to a shop to try out some demo skiis.  Both boys were with me getting ready when one asked, 

“Where’s Daddy?”

“He went over to Roots Ride Shop to get some demo skis,” I replied and as I turned around they were GONE!  Gone and leaving me to put out all the snow gear, open our locker and get out more equipment.  Halfway through the process all three come in with a smile on their face.

“What did you do,” I ask looking at my husband.

“You won’t believe the deal I got on these skis,” he says with a smile.

Then I notice that one child has a brand new facemask while the other is sporting some very cool gloves, “Oh, and those?”

He shrugs, “they gave us a discount.”

Now I’m trying to learn from them, if Daddy is in a store that means the wallet is opening, if the wallet is opening it’s a free for all on who gets first in line to get something new.  Just to drive the point home, after a day on the snow, he takes the skis back and buys them!  Why wasn’t I there to look at new snowboards?  

It doesn’t matter where we are:  Lowes Home Improvement - they want a soda.

Grocery Store - they each want their own bag of chips.

Gap - “who threw these pants into the buggy?”

Victoria’s Secret - the only place they said they’d wait outside the door - ALL THREE OF THEM.

So Daddy is going to have to learn to either shop by himself to save money or tell them NO when they start the minute the bell on the door tinkles.  And I’m going to pay better attention, if I see the three of them walking into a store, I’d better get over there first-my board is an antique and I’ve had the same pair of gloves for over 5 years!  Time to ride the gravy train!  Do your kids work you over in every store too?