What Santa Really Wants To Tell You!!

Rules for the Santa line:

1.  If your child is screaming, I mean screaming - get them off my lap.  You will not get the picture.  You will only get a picture of them screaming, my hearing is already going and 15 minutes screaming in my ear does not help.

2.  If your child is sick for god's sake keep them at home.  Photoshop them into a picture with me NOT screaming and be happy.  If one more child pukes in my lap, I'm going to candy cane his parents.

3.  Make sure the older kids have the list in their mind.  There's nothing worse than watching a line of pissed off parents wait while a child sits and says, "I don't know."  They are here to give me their list, make sure they HAVE a list.  Written lists work better, it helps me remember.  I am getting old you know.

4.  Please check all diapers, pull ups, bladders prior to the visit with my lap.  I've moved to wearing waterproof pants because of all the little beasts that pee in my lap.

5.  When I have to go feed the reindeer, I have to go feed the reindeer.  Don't get mad because you decided to come to the mall with the rest of humanity 5 days prior to Christmas to visit with me.  I've been here since Thanksgiving - and I am tired.  So don't expect me to pull double shift because you want your turn to put your screaming child on my lap.

Rules for Christmas Eve

5.  The correlation between what goes under your tree is directly affect by what sits in the glass and on the plate.  A few home made cookies will do, and a nice Cohiba for the drive would be even better.

4.  My reindeer eat reindeer food, not carrots.  If you don't have reindeer food, then leave them another Cohiba for me to have after the midnight drive.

3.  Having a fire lit in the fireplace is not funny.  Period.

2.  DO NOT wait up.  Seriously, I've got plenty of houses to visit in one night and waiting for you to fall asleep just ticks me off.  Go to bed, stay in bed and you'll get some booty - parents you know what I mean.

1.  Do not send any letters or make any phone calls to the North Pole until 30 days after Christmas.  You get what you get and don't pitch a fit!