WTF - Christmas Shopping or Getting My Tinsel in a Tangle

Yes, it always starts with those warm and fuzzier.  I see myself skipping through the mall with a smile on my face as I hear beautiful Christmas music.  I stop to get a cup of coffee, check the list I made, then plan my relaxing day.

Right?

Wrong.

It starts with the 15 minute ride in the parking lot looking for a space.  You see I don't want to be too far away because I'll be carrying all that shit when I come back out, but I don't have the patience circling like a shark for an hour looking for something close.

The rain starts as I throw my car into park.  Yeah, the rain.

I grab my backpack, throw it over my head and run through the rain into the side door of the mall, thinking a cup of coffee would be nice.

I'm thinking my husband would look
better in this sweater.

As did the rest of humanity and the line at the coffee shop is pretty stiff competition to the Santa Claus line, complete with the child behind me whining about why they have to wait SO LONG.

Sidenote:  I do not miss the Santa Claus/Easter Bunny lines.  Especially with a screaming baby and a toddler that wants to touch everything they see, especially pulling at the beautiful red velvet ropes and pulling down the Disney style waiting line.

But I do get my cup of coffee, take a deep breath and relax.  To the list.

Which I forgot.

At home.

I could just wing it, but that can prove very expensive because when I wing it, I buy things that are not on the list then have to buy things on my list.  Wait a minute, did my kids hide the list for just this reason?  To increase their booty this year?

I stand with my coffee, listening to the children cry in the Santa Claus line, the Christmas music skipping on the speakers.

"This cannot be a wasted trip to the mall."

The 30 minute drive.
The 20 minutes of parking space.
I have a cup of coffee.
What shall I do?

I know!

I'll just buy something for me!

Let the joys of the season begin!

My Mom Did WHAT?

I love my kids, I especially love how uptight they are and how easy it is to harass them.  Remember as a parent we thought we were cool until we had children, then with the first humiliation of childbirth to the long list of raising kids - we have the perk now of getting back at them!    Need to cement a few memories in YOUR child's life?  Here's how:

Enunciate completely every.word.of.your.order when you are the take out window.   "YES, I WOULD LIKE A DOZEN DOUGHNUTS - THREE CINNAMON BUNS, SIX RAINBOW SPRINKLES, THREE CHOCOLATE SPRINKLED AND THREE ORIGINAL SUGAR GLAZED HOT AND FRESH NOW PLEASE."

Pack their lovey in their school book bag, guarantee they will not fall asleep in any class worrying about that one.

Make them wait with you in the food court of the mall until you MEET every friend they are hanging out with, make their friends stop and sit for a minute while you, "Get to know them."

Label their lunch box - down to writing "napkin" on the napkin.  "Sandwich," "Apple slices," "Tasty Kake."

Take them shopping with you.  Better yet take them to the swimsuit or bra department.

Show them you still have it - especially in front of their friends.  I am very proud that I can still say every word to "Devil Went Down To Georgia" including the Chicken in a bread pan pickin out dough.

Show up in your workout gear to school.  Honestly, I think this is cool because I am actually going to WORK OUT.  But if I really want to embarrass them, I wear my neon tights without underwear, leg warmers, and headband to complete the outfit.

Making them pose out in public for a picture, especially if they are with their friends.  Then make them stay for 4 more pictures because it "just isn't coming out right" or "wait a minute there standing on the fountain, my camera isn't loading yet."

Jump out of the car in the carpool line (in your pajamas) and yell, "Snuggle!  You forgot your lunchbox!"

Tell stories to their friends about the time they picked up the bagel off the floor, took a bite and told you it tasted funny.  You told them to eat it anyway and after another bite and crying realized the dog had peed on it.

Barge in on them in the dressing room and check to see how clothes "look" or "fit."  My mother always liked to grab the crotch part of the pants making sure, "it wasn't too tight."

Legal Disclaimer - author of this post is not liable for any damages or therapy needed by attempting the actions of this list.  This is a list for professional tormentors only, DO NOT ATTEMPT.  No legal action can be taken against the author of this post as she has no money due to the therapy bills for her own children.

Remember that important part of "embarrass" is that you make an "ass" out of yourself because that's the fun of it.  How do you embarrass your children?

The Mall - Whatever.....

Going to the mall is one of the biggest reminder of getting old.  There's a totally different culture at the mall, including a language I do not understand.

My son left his jacket in the changing room at Abercrombie & Fitch last week (yes, I know shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch=seriously!) so while he was in the skate shop for something else (yes, another UGH in the mothering realm) I went in to see if they found it.

"Umm, welcome to Abercrombie."  Size 0, short shorts, tight plaid shirt, hair in pig tails.

"Umm, thanks."  (I can't help myself) - Mom in yoga pants, flourescent yellow running shirt and running shoes, hair in face.

"Feel free to shop around."  (Really?  Feel free, nothing in here is FREE)

"My son left his jacket in the fitting room last week and I was wondering if you found it."

"Umm, I don't know."  Awkward silence.  Brain fires again, "You can ask the people at the register."

I walk back to the register - two more size 0 girls - one in jeggings, one in a skirt, obviously someone sent home the memo for tight polo shirt on budding boobies, atleast the hair was not in pig tails.

"Welcome to Abercrombie, how can we help you?"  Well, a little bit better.

"My son may have left his jacket in the dressing room last week, do you have a lost and found?"

"I don't know.  Let me check."  At least she's admitting it.

I watch her walk over to all of the dressing rooms and unlock them and check in them.  My brain was not moving at warp speed like hers because it took me a few minutes to realize that she was looking for a jacket left in the dressing room A WEEK AGO!  She comes back, "No, it's not there."

I take a deep breath - yes we Moms that wear yoga pants actually do yoga - "Can you check in the back perhaps - maybe someone found it in the dressing room last week and put it in the back."

She looks at me, "Oh, OK."

I am already writing off the jacket as a lost cause, knowing that either it sat in the dressing until someone finally said, "I guess this jacket lying on the floor is free, so I'll just take it."  Or some nice Abercrombie employee, not working that night, is wearing a really nice jacket.  Or the jacket is sitting in some nice box labeled "lost and found" but since I asked her to look in the back, that probably did not mean the "lost and found" box.

She comes back empty handed, why am I not surprised?  "I'm sorry, we don't have it in the back.  But our jackets are 60% off now."

Well, there is some hope for humanity.  She actually tried to sell me something.

Every had a great mall experience?

What Santa Really Wants To Tell You!!

Rules for the Santa line:

1.  If your child is screaming, I mean screaming - get them off my lap.  You will not get the picture.  You will only get a picture of them screaming, my hearing is already going and 15 minutes screaming in my ear does not help.

2.  If your child is sick for god's sake keep them at home.  Photoshop them into a picture with me NOT screaming and be happy.  If one more child pukes in my lap, I'm going to candy cane his parents.

3.  Make sure the older kids have the list in their mind.  There's nothing worse than watching a line of pissed off parents wait while a child sits and says, "I don't know."  They are here to give me their list, make sure they HAVE a list.  Written lists work better, it helps me remember.  I am getting old you know.

4.  Please check all diapers, pull ups, bladders prior to the visit with my lap.  I've moved to wearing waterproof pants because of all the little beasts that pee in my lap.

5.  When I have to go feed the reindeer, I have to go feed the reindeer.  Don't get mad because you decided to come to the mall with the rest of humanity 5 days prior to Christmas to visit with me.  I've been here since Thanksgiving - and I am tired.  So don't expect me to pull double shift because you want your turn to put your screaming child on my lap.

Rules for Christmas Eve

5.  The correlation between what goes under your tree is directly affect by what sits in the glass and on the plate.  A few home made cookies will do, and a nice Cohiba for the drive would be even better.

4.  My reindeer eat reindeer food, not carrots.  If you don't have reindeer food, then leave them another Cohiba for me to have after the midnight drive.

3.  Having a fire lit in the fireplace is not funny.  Period.

2.  DO NOT wait up.  Seriously, I've got plenty of houses to visit in one night and waiting for you to fall asleep just ticks me off.  Go to bed, stay in bed and you'll get some booty - parents you know what I mean.

1.  Do not send any letters or make any phone calls to the North Pole until 30 days after Christmas.  You get what you get and don't pitch a fit!