Nothing like Epic Style Notes!

Sometimes you need a pick me up for your day.  I thought I would make myself feel better by listing the things of which I have talent:

Losing my phone - I seem to be very talented at this.  My phone's been left on the floor at a New Years Eve Party, thrown out of my pocket on a epic wipeout on a ski slope, taken by a baby and hidden under a couch, and now sits in a lock box in Salt Lake Airport until said manager returns to open said box.  You never know what phone numbers you DON'T have until you lose your phone.

Saying the wrong things at the right time - Sometimes it would be nice to have filters on my mind and my tongue, but then there would be no drama in my life.  This way I can keep things exciting as I dodge the blow of my brother in law for saying something.

Pointing out the Obvious - see definition above.  Standing, not realizing your husband is behind you saying, "I got that cute Abercrombie Shirt for my son on sale for 68.99."  He then has a fit and proceeds to explain that a: they are still growing why buy expensive stuff and, b: The Target one looks exactly the same and c: Don't get him used to expensive brands early, we can't afford it.

Staining - I have the affinity for white, and usually the first day I wear it I spill something like Balsamic Vinegar, or Texas Pete Hot sauce or Easter Egg dye.  Then I find out I am equally talented at not being able to get the stain out of my shirt.  I am also equally talented and accidentally dropping a new pair of jeans in with stained shirt so I can wear it again.

Falling with style - I fall.  Yes, I fall alot.  But I've made it such an art form I've heard guys yell, "TEN" by the side of a ski slope.  Other runners stepping over me by the side of the road.  Finally, I've won the  award for quickest get up off the ground/ego check on trail running.  If you are going to fall, then fall with style is what I say.

Asking Silly Questions - since most of my family members consider the uterus to be a homing device, I'm always asked there things are when lost.  One of my favorite answer is a question, "Where did you lose it?"

Selective Hearing - I am very good at looking directly at the person talking, looking enthusiastic, shaking my head, then repeating the last word of their sentence.  Even when I have no clue what they are talking about.  This condition steps up a notch in talent when talking about number..

Stalking - I'm a very good stalker on Facebook.  Boy am I glad that there isn't an app to see who's viewed your profile - I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Embarrassing my children - this requires a lot of work, because children are very sneaky to get away from Mom when their friends are around.  My saving grace is the carpool line where they have to wait outside with their friends, I can casually stick my head (with my cowboy hat) out the window and yell, "Come on little podna!  We've got some wrasteling to do."

Being Me - finally, it's easy to conform to what other people think you should see/do/be, but I'm much better at being me.  I'd rather be unique than be a clone.  As Abraham Lincoln once said on the internet, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

What would you add to the list?

Shawnee - I am dog

I am dog.  I am unique.  I am important in this household, well, except after cat - now there's one egomaniac.  Thank you for bringing your "the dog must stay outside" into your home.  Here's a few ground rules:

Do not interrupt my morning routine.  I must have my time with the Poo Poo bulletin board.

If you wait too long, well, I can't help it.  When it stinks in here - clean it up.

Presenting your butt to me is one of the best gestures you can do.

This house is mine.  Do not change my bed, do not wash anything of mine.  The stinkier the better.

I am the surpreme hunter - I will find the dead squirrels, mice in the yard and bring them to you.  Not because I am the supreme hunter but because they are easy to catch..

Anything left around the home is fair game.  Bagels, Pop Tarts, Bacon, I would rather a little more vermouth in my martinis though.

If I find it on the floor, it is mine.  Especially underwear and socks.

Please don't complain about the dog hair, if you don't like it then don't sit on the couch.

I am the supreme house guard - except for that really nice robber with a biscuit.

I do not do tricks for strangers.  This is something personal just between you and me.  Of course, I'll learn the trick, but then it becomes our little secret.  That blank stare when you ask me to perform means, "I love you."

Oh, I forgot to add, if it is broken, then it is yours.  And of course, the cat did it.

What Santa Really Wants To Tell You!!

Rules for the Santa line:

1.  If your child is screaming, I mean screaming - get them off my lap.  You will not get the picture.  You will only get a picture of them screaming, my hearing is already going and 15 minutes screaming in my ear does not help.

2.  If your child is sick for god's sake keep them at home.  Photoshop them into a picture with me NOT screaming and be happy.  If one more child pukes in my lap, I'm going to candy cane his parents.

3.  Make sure the older kids have the list in their mind.  There's nothing worse than watching a line of pissed off parents wait while a child sits and says, "I don't know."  They are here to give me their list, make sure they HAVE a list.  Written lists work better, it helps me remember.  I am getting old you know.

4.  Please check all diapers, pull ups, bladders prior to the visit with my lap.  I've moved to wearing waterproof pants because of all the little beasts that pee in my lap.

5.  When I have to go feed the reindeer, I have to go feed the reindeer.  Don't get mad because you decided to come to the mall with the rest of humanity 5 days prior to Christmas to visit with me.  I've been here since Thanksgiving - and I am tired.  So don't expect me to pull double shift because you want your turn to put your screaming child on my lap.

Rules for Christmas Eve

5.  The correlation between what goes under your tree is directly affect by what sits in the glass and on the plate.  A few home made cookies will do, and a nice Cohiba for the drive would be even better.

4.  My reindeer eat reindeer food, not carrots.  If you don't have reindeer food, then leave them another Cohiba for me to have after the midnight drive.

3.  Having a fire lit in the fireplace is not funny.  Period.

2.  DO NOT wait up.  Seriously, I've got plenty of houses to visit in one night and waiting for you to fall asleep just ticks me off.  Go to bed, stay in bed and you'll get some booty - parents you know what I mean.

1.  Do not send any letters or make any phone calls to the North Pole until 30 days after Christmas.  You get what you get and don't pitch a fit!