WTF - Merry Christmas Style

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the slope

Not a snowflake was falling, not even a hope.

The boards and the skis sat by the door with care,

In hopes that maybe cold weather would soon be here.

The children sat at the table waiting to be fed,

While visions of snow danced in their heads

And Jeff with a knife, my wine in hand,

 Had just settled down for the Christmas eve feast we planned.

When outside the house there arose such a clatter,

Jeff jumped from the table to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew like a flash,

Pushing aside Trina and Scott with a crash.

The moon on the wet grass, how it shone,

Puddles flooding the yard made him groan.

When what to his wondering eyes did appear,

A sight that made him drop his beer.

A kayak being pulled by eight flapping ducks,

Jeff knew it was St. Nick, he was in luck.

More rapid than fish, did they paddle in time,

St, Nick called, each with a name that rhymed,

“Now Puddle! now, Raindrop! now Deluge and Monsoon,

On, Thunder, on, Lightening! on, Cloudburst, give Drencher some room.

To the top of slope, to the top of it all,

Paddle away, paddle away, paddle away all!

The waves how they rippled, the ducks how they swam,

Across the lake in our yard, into the house with a wham.

Those birds, Up to the house top they flew,

With a kayak full of wet stuff, and St. Nick too-

And then, in a twinkling, we heard above us,

Some ducks a quacking, making such a fuss. 

Kevin stood from the table, turning around,

Down the Chimney came St. Nicholas with a bound.

He was dressed in a bucket hat, rain washed away the soot,

His clothes, soaked with mud, water in his boots.

A bundle of umbrellas he had flung on his back,

Looking like a peddler, above we heard a quack.

His hat was so wet, his clothes how they dripped,

His cheeks were like roses, in his puddle Wes slipped.

His droll little mouth, was drawn up like a bow,

The beard on his chin, it dripped on Erin’s head below.

The stump of a pipe sat there, he could not smoke,

Every match Tammy tried was totally soaked.

He had a broad face, a bright red rain coat around his belly,

Max squinting his face, that old raincoat was quite smelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

Splattering us with water as he shook his wet self.

A little bit of water, it didn’t bother us,

Christine wondering, ‘Why all the fuss?’

He spoke not word, handing each an umbrella, shiny and new,

Outside more rain fell, the wind how it blew,

He gave Seth a raincoat, Addy a rain hat,

Lilly a poncho, Thomas some plastic wrap.

Emma how she loved her goggles, Wolf in plastic pants,

Max held a tarp, Andrew a bucket for watering his plants.

Finally with a wink, and a splash,

Back up the chimney he went with a dash.

He sprang to his kayak, gave the ducks a smack,

Away they paddled, with a flap, a swish and a quack.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he swam out of sight!

Don’t worry the snow is coming, and to all a good night.

Dear Tinder User

With a single girlfriend, she showed me her Tinder profile, just to have a little lookee around and of course, like most of the female population of the world I was blinded.

Here's a few suggestions for the Tinder users:

1.  Pictures of you with the Hooter girls.  Guess what, that doesn't work!  I know you go to Hooters because of their special "Fish Sandwich" (which I heard is the bomb) but don't let us know on Tinder.  Maybe I'll see if there are girls on there with pictures at Big Peckers (which is an actual restaurant.)

2.  Pictures with the pals - I know you want to come across as a fun guy, but the pictures of you with your pals confuses us.  Which one is Gary, age 31 of Welcome, NC?  What if I pick the wrong one then get the surprise of my life?

3.  Pictures with your Mom - I know you are presenting a "softer" side but a Momma's Boy?  Really? We, as girls, can put pictures of us with our Moms because we're showing you what we will look like in 30 years.  Hot!  You are using Tinder to find the perfect mate right?

4.  Puppies.  Puppies are used to lure strangers into cars, not girls to calling you on Tinder.  That being said,  we do say, "Aww look at those puppies" before we pass you by.

5.  Guns and Amo - Maybe this appeals to some, but holding the dead deer with the AK47 is not really a turn on.  Makes me think I may be stepping into a Criminal Minds episode.  Think, what type of female are you attracting, especially if you break up after one date (another Criminal Minds episode comes to mind.)

6.  Just your abs - OK, my first thought is that this is possible false advertising.  If he just showing his six pack bare perfect abs, then what does his face look like?

7.  Just your guns.  The gun thing was discussed above, this time I am talking about your biceps, again, I go back to the same thing, if you are not showing your face, there is a reason.  And I am not going to find out that reason!

8.  Pictures of you in your bedroom.  Especially if it is messy.

9.  Sunglasses.  I know that Dale looked cool in the shades, but on Tinder we are looking for the full package.  Is there a black eye behind those glasses, was it from the hands of your girlfriend?  Wait a minute, you have a girlfriend?  Why are you on Tinder?  Pass.

So if you need help finding your sole, I mean soul mate, I can help.  I didn't find my mate on Tinder, but he certainly is a good catch!

SIT! What? I said, SIT!

I can settle different parts of my life based on the four legged friends in my life.  Their age, moving at the speed of 7 years at a pop means that there are many passing through my years.

My favorite childhood memory was dogs that never listen.  I believe this taught me early in childhood that it was considered in good taste to not listen to my mother.  Because, no one, not even the dog listened to her.  We would periodically look her way wondering, "Why is she screaming like a maniac?"

Sometimes my brother would listen, but that's because all of us, including the dog, thought he was a brown noser.  He also enjoyed telling on us all the time.

We learned the not listening trick from the first dogs that I can remember.  Taffy #1 and Taffy #2.  Taffy #1 hated my grandmother, so much that she'd take a shit every morning right outside my grandmother's bedroom door when she came to visit.  We'd swear up and down that we took her for a LONG walk but, she saved what she had in her shit savings account making a withdraw right before my grandmother woke.

Taffy #2 was brought into the house when Taffy #1 passed from old age.  Not to confuse us children about which dog is which, they both looked exactly the same (pekingese) and answered to the name "Taffy."  Taffy #2 didn't have as much of a beef with my grandmother, or with us kids.  She hid with us in the closet so we could cut her, and our, hair.  She did everything we asked of her, and not a single thing my mother asked her to do.  Simple things, like please go to the bathroom outside, or if someone peed in the toilet and didn't flush it, please do not drink it.  Poor Taffy #2 didn't listen to anyone when they we were yelling, "GET OUT OF THE WAY," and ended up in the back yard after an unfortunate encounter with the back wheel of our station wagon.  All I remember was my father saying, "We have reservations at Disney World in two days, the dog's dead."

This brought Red into our life.  A very large Golden Retriever who came into our house due to tragic circumstances of his own.  After giving birth, his mother was shot by a neighbor because his father kept getting into the hen house (but that's another story for later.)  This dog had such a gregarious personality, and he was such a cute puppy that he got away with not listening.  We took him to obedience school, which he flunked.  Tried a private instructor when he dragged me down the street on my belly chasing after a squirrel.  Red also caused neighbor troubles like his father, his being that he'd take a big shit in the neighbor's yard, him yelling that he knew it was OUR dog because of all the neon Crayola Crayons making the shit psychedelic.  

The dog would go and find rabbits, decapitate them and bring them home as a prize for us, usually throwing the bloody head or leg on my father's bare foot because he was constantly trying to earn the love of the one person that never noticed him.  He noticed when something cold and slimy hit his foot.  He got put into the dog house in the garage when he decided that he could eat my brother's rabbit (Thumper) as fair game and leave the head in my brother's bed.

My mother would complain that the dog never listened to her, that something would happen to him, but when push came to shove, he showed her he did really hear something in obedience class.  We were all in the station wagon on the way home from school, coming around an off ramp close to home when the dog decided he didn't feel like staying in the car with fighting kids, jumping out of the back window, going for a run!  My mother pulls over to the side of the highway, we're out running, except my baby sister who is wailing in the car, trying to corral the dog who's thinking, "Wow, I should have done this sooner if I knew it was such a fun game of keep away."

My mother pulls out the "Mom Voice," that voice that gains the most naughtiest of kids attention, not making them be good, but gaining their attention.  It comes deep from her belly, sounding like the spawn of Satan.

"Red.  SIT!"

Granted the dog flunked obedience school, ate through most of the house (2 rabbits, 4 door jams, 3 pairs of shoes, 2 hairbrushes) oh, and of course 6.5 boxes of Crayola crayons.  We all figured a car was going to dispose of Red and Daddy would bring home a Red #2.  (What?  That's where kid's minds go.)

Like drunks, kids and dogs, God watches over them, much to our amazement, the dog's butt slowly lowers to the ground with a look of, "Am I really in trouble?"  He doesn't move until my mother gets the leash on him saying, "Good boy," which he promptly jumps on her, knocking her over.

She brings him back to the car, "Maybe something did stick with him after three sets of obedience classes."  He jumps in the back with us kids, spreading mud all over us.  We didn't care, we didn't need a Red#2.

Obedience classes?  Are you kidding?  Later than evening my grandmother comes to visit wearing a coat and rabbit skin hat.  Red, in slow motion, on the hunt, comes through the den, into the laundry room toward her.  In his mind, he is that wolf getting ready for the kill.

"Red.  SIT!"  My mother tries the Mom voice again.

He tackles my grandmother to the ground, attacks the hat right off of her head, shakes it (fur flying everywhere) disappearing out the back door into the night with his kill.  My grandmother (not the smallest of women) struggles back up, "I'm glad he didn't get my fox stole."

Later when he comes back after effectively killing the rabbit hat, we notice a box of Crayola crayons has gone missing.

Some things never change.

Passwords, smashwords!

Don't you love all of our cyber security on the Internet lately?

I may be dating myself but I remember the only password you ever needed was for your bank card.  THANK GOD, I wasn't around when there wasn't bank card passwords.

Then come the computers.  They just won't let us make it easy.

"I'm sorry, your password must contain a number."
-How do I include a number in ILoveTacos?  ILoveTacosI81?

Then they make it harder.
"I'm sorry, your password must contain a minimum of 8 characters, 1 number and 1 capital Letter."
-What?  Now do I change it to "ILove3TacosAL0t?"

So I've decided to change my passwords to one's that I will remember with some of these companies.

Duke Energy (really, is anyone going to hack in and PAY my bill) "DukeEnergy4U"



My bank - how about this one, "TakeAllMy$$"

The Cable Company, "UA**ReallySuK"

And I love this one, My Health Insurance Provider, "0-0ThtsMyBill?"

So I write all my passwords on a file names "Passwords" on my computer and I password protect it.  Then I forget where I filed it.  So I have to go down the computer's journey to regain my password.

****

Having fun with The Cable Company (again, why Fort Knox, will someone hack in and see that I watched Episode 5 of True Blood 8 times?)

"I'm sorry, would you like to reset your password?"

-why yes, I would.

"But first we must make sure you are not some Terrorist trying to pay Kelly Melang's cable bills."

-believe me, I'm not.

"What was the date of your first period?"
I stare at the computer screen.  What?  How do I know that?  I try calculating in my mind and guess a date.
"We're sorry would you like to try your other security question?"
-Why sure, I would.
"What is the name of your first pet?"
Hmmm, now I am stumped again.  Are they referring to when I was a kid and Taffy was my first dog? When I was in college, my first dog of my adult life, my first dog when I was married?  I'm sweating because I only have three chances to pay my cable bill and I'm thinking of 6 dogs.

So then I wonder, did I set this account up while I was drinking wine?  That could affect the password. Did I even setup this account?  What if the hubby did, shit, he has had over 12 dogs.  Maybe we just went with the kids names, they can be dogs sometimes.

I finally decide to go for it and as I go ahead and type in my password, my internet goes down due to non payment of the cable bill.

So I have to call and pay the bill.  I can't google the number because my internet is down.  I try several times on my phone to locate and call the number.

"Please enter your Cable Company Telephone password, this is different from your Internet password and will contain 13 characters, one digit, one special symbol and a strand of hair for verification."

Do you remember your passwords?

Man Language - Um Yeah

 Good morning students, today our topic for Language Arts is Man Language.  We're going to explore the different dialects of Man Language and start with some easy translations.  A common phrase in Man Language is "Ummm Yeah."  Like the Woman Language phrase of "FINE" this can have many different meanings when used in different context.  For example:

"Ummm Yeah," when used with asking a woman for directions, translates into, "Oh, I listened to where you said I should go but I'm going to go the opposite way, get lost and get mad at you."  If you add the word, "OK," to the end of it the translation includes, "After making you go in the gas station and ask the attendant."

"Ummm yeah," can also be used to describe something.  When in Woman Language the male hears the phrase, "Don't these jeggings make my butt look small?"  The "Ummm yeah," translates to, "Whoa, what in the world are you talking about, but I'm not getting myself in trouble.  I'm leaving your girlfriends to do that."

"Ummm yeah," also can be used as a contradiction.  "Ummm yeah," into the cell phone at approximately 2am translates to, "Yes, I'm on my way home.  Be right there."  Usually, the male then lets his phone die to have the excuse, which brings another way to use, "Ummm yeah," this one after the woman phrase, "I'm assuming that you're going to tell me that your phone died?"

"Umm yeah," can also used to describe something.  Most men now have the app that alerts them when their girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter gets a haircut.  The first words of, "Umm yeah," translate to, "my app told me you got your hair cut, I can't tell except that you look mad because I didn't say something."

"Umm yeah," can also be used to show men's feelings.  When in Woman Language, there is a "dumping," meaning, a girlfriend was not present for a session which leaves that evening as he is trying to watch Vana on Wheel of Fortune.  Translation, "I didn't hear a word you said, but hope this sufficing as acknowledgement."

Just like many languages, certain phrases have many different meanings when put in different context.  Next lesson delves deeper into a more used term, with many more meanings, the term, "Sure."

And now for your homework, please post your examples in the comments for other uses of, "Ummm, yeah."

Class is dismissed.

How to cope with Monday

Why is it that Friday is so far away from Monday but Monday is so close to Friday?   Starting out the work week clawing my way out of bed, a few friends decided to give me some helpful advice

Have a purpose.  That I would find Monday's joyful if I had a purpose in life.

Oh yeah, I do have a purpose, it's called resting.  Sleeping.  Lying under my flannel sheets, listening to the rain and thinking, "I don't think I could ever feel more at peace than this very moment."  Then looking at the clock and going, "Oh well, there it goes."  

When the alarm goes off, jump out of bed right away.

That's called scaring the hell out of yourself.  Yes, that will start my day off right acting like there's a zombie killer in the house at 5am.  If I really want to do this right, I should put a nerf gun (we have plenty of those) next to my bed to complete the fantasy - nothing like a good adrenaline rush to get your morning started.

Get an extra hour of sleep by going to bed early on Sunday night

Well, that would be shortening the weekend.  Duh, we don't want to do that, the weekend is dah bomb of the week, we want it to last as long as possible and THAT'S why we stay up as late as possible.

Turn your shower to cold just before you get out.

Honestly, I think my husband put my friends up to this because the jump out of bed and cold shower thing only achieve one thing - me in the Emergency Room with someone holding the electric panels above me yelling, "Clear."

Move your alarm to across the room.

This causes the same jump out of bed, "What the heck is that?" reaction that yes, does get the blood flowing but away from the heart.  Plus if its all the way over there, my walk back to bed after hitting the snooze button is not comfortable on the cold floor.

Have you tried coffee?

Of course, I've tried coffee.  It's the only thing that makes Monday mornings tolerable.

Then my zen friend, the spiritual one - does this happen every Monday, do you think it is a sign of some type of long term emotional problem?

Yes, it happens every monday.  Yes it is a very good sign of some type of longterm emotional problem - as Bob Geldof once quoted it perfectly, "I hate Mondays."

What's your go to remedy for Monday morning blues?

Santa Sent Me A Letter!!

Dear Mrs. Melang:

I am writing to you about your excessive use of the Santa Claus Parents’ Hotline.  This line is meant for parents who want to change their child’s status on Santa’s list as a last minute nice list change,  not as a daily rant from the Melang household.

Using Santa Claus and coal as a means to get your children to behave does not work, you should have learned that last year when we had to change the phone number due to excessive use.    Please think of something different than the fifteen minute messages that begin with you saying, “you’re not going to believe this.”

Please also inform your children that the number of letters sent to Santa’s inbox changing their Christmas list is becoming excessive, also Santa gets enough letters from the children of the world, he doesn’t need your children clogging his Inbox with excuses for their behavior listed in your phone call of the day.  And sending pictures of their rooms does not automatically put them on the naughty list.

Henceforth, we will be marking your emails as SPAM and hope that you will think twice before sending another letter to Santa.  He is contemplating putting coal in your stocking as a reply to your "Why haven't you answered me, Santa" letter.  Thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Cletus Senior Santa Correspondence Elf

What Moms are really thinking!

1.  Not right now honey - "Please stop bothering me because each time you come up and whine, means I'm delaying what YOU want me to do for another 15 minutes."

2.  Can you put that down?  "I'm getting ready to tase you bro if you don't put down that computer/iphone/DS or your little brother."

3.  Can you hear me?  "I've said the same thing 15 times, if you say you can then I'm going to smack you."

4.  What do you want?  "I'm sorry I was simply hearing you fighting, I didn't realize you were asking me for something."

5.  Give me a minute - "I'm in the bathroom reading 50 Shades of Grey because I can't concentrate on this steamy scene while you are talking to me."

6.  OK - "I didn't really hear a word you said hopefully you won't realize it."

7.  I'm sorry I forgot that at the store - "It wasn't on sale."

8.  For Pete's Sake - "How could two boys mess up a bathroom that bad?"

9.  Why don't you take the dog for a walk? - "Mommy needs a little Happy Hour and Happy means the right type of wine."

10.  I love you - "You drive me crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way."

A little dark humor

The writing prompt, write about taxidermy in 15 minutes and post what you wrote...guess the Fishers Popcorn gave me the dark mood.

Why did he take that fox from his Mom’s house?  Everyone else after the funeral was picking up shit - pens, lamps, pictures and all he could grab was a stuffed fox?  That’s what he gets for starting with the bloody mary’s before the funeral then continuing with the margaritas at the wake.  He started at the thing, staring back at him on his dresser.

“You are like, so dead,” he whispered to the fox.

“I know,” the fox whispered back causing him to fall out of his bed.

“what the...,” he said to the empty room.

Nothing answered back so he lay back in bed looking at the ceiling, counting the drinks he had during the day.  Yep, a little too much in the alcohol category, but since he was a grieving son he could write that one off as a Mulligan for the family.

He looked over at the fox, and sat up again, had it moved?  The damn thing seemed to be staring at him, challenging him.  “She told me…” he heard whispered across his skin as goosebumps errupted.

“What?”  He went over and turned the fox towards the window, “Go and look at everyone else.”  He went back to his bed swearing that tomorrow morning he’d be tossing that piece of shit in the dumpster.

He lay again, his mind going to the soft touch of the fur, the soft touch of her skin, how both had that cold underlayer, his hands flexed under the covers, they were still a little sore.

“You did it, everyone knows…” he looked over at the fox.

“Did what?  I didn’t do anything she didn’t want me to do,” he pushed the sheets away from his body as he started to sweat, he felt almost like when he was a boyscout and in the shower for the first time - naked, nervous, and knowing that he was being watched.

“I know, I was there…”

He looked back at the fox staring out the window, it was there, standing sentry as he helped her do what she wanted to do for 6 months.  It watched as her struggles got weak then her hands went limp.  It watched as he arranged the covers back on her, turned off the machines and lightly kissed her on the cheek.

He got up and picked up the fox again, walking to the kitchen.  He didn’t realize that he was allergic until his throat started to close and he couldn’t breath.  A’int Karma a bitch, he thought as the fox fell to the floor before he did.

The fox watched.