WTF - Getting Lost in Social Media - Not me!

Wow, what's up with all the drama parading around the internet. I mean who cares who Luke and Laura are (damn, have I dated myself there?) when you have plenty of social media buzz to keep you busy. I come to my social media for the funny videos and jokes, not the vitrol. In order to stay "friends" I'm coming clean with things I will not do:

I'm not clicking on the See More portion of any more posts, especially if they are religious or political in nature. Listen, we all know you are stating your own opinions, but if I'm bored after two sentences, I'm not reading any more.

I will not click "like if I agree. I may agree, I may not, but who's business is it anyway?

I will not comment or like anything of yours if you have over 2000 friends, because then I get notification after notification on your political comment.

I've stopped sharing bizarre stories. Sorry folks, the gold plated testicle story, the twerking with the guy in the coffin, to the sex toy that deposits alien eggs in your body, they are not REAL.  Seriously people, check if your story is real before demanding my attention.  At least the people living in the attic of Walmart was real.

Clicking on anything that takes me to those damn sites making you click through pictures along with pop up ads. You will be removed from the friends list if you share that black hole and I accidentally fall down it.

Like your picture on Facebook when I've already liked it on Instagram, takes too much time.

Take the quiz you shared on "What color represents my life?"

By the way, it is gold.

Sit and watch the video you shared of something yummy being made, I think all these videos are making me fat.

Let any of your religious or political posts change my mind. It may make you feel better to say it but it's not changing any minds.

So post things I want to see, pictures of your kids, your family.

Add in a good dose of funny stuff. Jokes, memes, things we all want to see.

Oh and all those cute bunny, kitten and hedgehog videos.  I'm definitely clicking on those.

Better yet, tell me something I want to know, like this.....thank you!

WTF - Internet Acronyms of a Menopausal Woman

I hate acronyms.  There I said it.  But since they are here to stay, here's a few I use....

HFCO - Hot Flash Coming On
WTF WHO TURNED HEAT ON?  I FEEL A HFCO.

ROFL - REALLY OLD

WMWB - Working My Wine Belly
WANNA GO OUT 2NITE?
K, WANNA WMWB, K?

BM - Bitchy Mood
HIDE THE SIDEARMS, GOT A BM COMING ON.

2FT - this is like the 2QT (2 Cute)
GONNA SKIP LUNCH FEELIN 2FT.

BCNU - BECAUSE NOONE UNDERSTANDS
IM NOT TALKIN TO U BCNU

CRST - Can't remember shit
SINCE I HIT 40 I CRST

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
JUST FINISHED BODY PUMP AT THE Y  BTW"

BFF - Best Friends French Fry
I GOT MY PERIOD, I'LL EAT ANYTHING INCLUDING BFF."

CYA - See you later.
HITTING HH WILL I CYA? (translation, "I'm hitting Happy Hour, will I See Ya?"

CYA - Cover Your *ss
IF U R GOING 2 WM, CYA"  (translation:  "If you are going to Walmart, Cover your *ss)

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
CAN'T FIND MY CAR FWIW - HELP!  NEED SOMEONE TO CYA"

ZBC - Zit Be Gone
I'M OVER 40, WTH I NEED THIS ZBC."

BRB  - BE RIGHT BACK OR BRING YOUR BOTTLE
FINISHED THE RED WINE, YOU'LL NEED TO BRB."

DILIGAS
"Mom, I forgot my homework."
DILIGAS
What?
Do I look like.....

So when you see your Mom texting, or you receive a text you can use this handy list to understand what she is trying to say.

Oh YOU Technology Gods!

I think that human beings would be so much more productive if technology actually worked for us.  There is a direct correlation to whether or not technology will work for you and how bad you need the finished product.

I just want to print out my son's homework.

My printer this morning is throwing a temper tantrum, "Oh you really need to print that document?  Well, I'm sorry, I don't feel well today."  It is currently regurgitating some type of code in magenta - a sign that it may have the flu.

I could lose the next hour of my life trying to figure out what is wrong:

Let's turn it off and back on - waiting the 15 minutes for it to start up and say, "Nope."

I could uninstall the driver from my computer, and reinstall - 45 minutes later the printer saying, "Nice try."

I do what I usually do, I tell him, "Well, I'm not going to get this document to print, email it to your teacher with an explanation."

My internet says, "Oh yea?  I've been talking to the printer and we think you suck so we're both going on strike."

It takes 15 minutes from rebooting everything to check to see if it works - not to mention, I've got to crawl behind the desk into my spiderweb project to find the plug to the router and be able to unplug it.  At which time the plug falls farther behind the desk and I have to stick my hand behind a bookcase to find it - I will not tell you what else I found.

I take the document, save it to a USB hand it to the kid, "Find a printer at school.  I'll have it working when you get home."

So I do what I normally do, "I'm going for a run, this stinks."  I fill a water bottle, forget it on the sink, go out my front door, hit the automatic lock and it closes with a "life is hard and I am tired" slow crawl.  Realizing I forgot my water bottle, I try hitting the codes and the lock does nothing.

I'm locked out.

Rather than looking like Rumplestiltskin in the front yard, Plan C, I'll just go for the run anyway.  When I come back my lock is saying, "Oh you thought you could get away from me - the printer told me to hold out for better working conditions and the router agrees."

Plan D - I'll try the back door, someone had to let the dog out, right.  The dog is at the bag door looking at me like, "Why are you here, don't you know I have to go outside?"  She pees in fear as I try the back door handle and scream because it is locked and obviously no on LET the dog out.



Plan E - I get to crawl through my old dog door (I once had very big dogs) into the spiderweb infested basement, through the dirt and up through the basement.  Halloween horror stories you have nothing on my real life as the big red spiders say, "Oh look, that spiderweb wrecker is coming through here - dive bomb her!"

I make it back into my home and stop for a minute.

I've got spiderwebs in my hair.

I itch all over because I am afraid a spider is still crawling somewhere.

My printer and my router are still in conspiracy to wreck my day.

I look over to the bottle of wine but change my mind.

Shower, attitude adjustment and get on with your life.

Take that technology gods, you thought you could ruin my day?

Wait, why isn't my phone turning on?   Did you talk to the printer and the router?

Can I please go back to the days when you had to get up and walk to the TV to change the channels?  Technology is supposed to make things easier but getting it to work is an endurance test.

What do you think?

Passwords, smashwords!

Don't you love all of our cyber security on the Internet lately?

I may be dating myself but I remember the only password you ever needed was for your bank card.  THANK GOD, I wasn't around when there wasn't bank card passwords.

Then come the computers.  They just won't let us make it easy.

"I'm sorry, your password must contain a number."
-How do I include a number in ILoveTacos?  ILoveTacosI81?

Then they make it harder.
"I'm sorry, your password must contain a minimum of 8 characters, 1 number and 1 capital Letter."
-What?  Now do I change it to "ILove3TacosAL0t?"

So I've decided to change my passwords to one's that I will remember with some of these companies.

Duke Energy (really, is anyone going to hack in and PAY my bill) "DukeEnergy4U"



My bank - how about this one, "TakeAllMy$$"

The Cable Company, "UA**ReallySuK"

And I love this one, My Health Insurance Provider, "0-0ThtsMyBill?"

So I write all my passwords on a file names "Passwords" on my computer and I password protect it.  Then I forget where I filed it.  So I have to go down the computer's journey to regain my password.

****

Having fun with The Cable Company (again, why Fort Knox, will someone hack in and see that I watched Episode 5 of True Blood 8 times?)

"I'm sorry, would you like to reset your password?"

-why yes, I would.

"But first we must make sure you are not some Terrorist trying to pay Kelly Melang's cable bills."

-believe me, I'm not.

"What was the date of your first period?"
I stare at the computer screen.  What?  How do I know that?  I try calculating in my mind and guess a date.
"We're sorry would you like to try your other security question?"
-Why sure, I would.
"What is the name of your first pet?"
Hmmm, now I am stumped again.  Are they referring to when I was a kid and Taffy was my first dog? When I was in college, my first dog of my adult life, my first dog when I was married?  I'm sweating because I only have three chances to pay my cable bill and I'm thinking of 6 dogs.

So then I wonder, did I set this account up while I was drinking wine?  That could affect the password. Did I even setup this account?  What if the hubby did, shit, he has had over 12 dogs.  Maybe we just went with the kids names, they can be dogs sometimes.

I finally decide to go for it and as I go ahead and type in my password, my internet goes down due to non payment of the cable bill.

So I have to call and pay the bill.  I can't google the number because my internet is down.  I try several times on my phone to locate and call the number.

"Please enter your Cable Company Telephone password, this is different from your Internet password and will contain 13 characters, one digit, one special symbol and a strand of hair for verification."

Do you remember your passwords?

Embrace what you accomplished in 2012!

Counting the days to 2013, glad the world didn't end.  But there were resolutions I didn't succeed in achieving.  Here's what I did achieve, and I am proud of it:

I finally achieved my resolution of working with neglected children.  My children are very happy about the attention.

I can now stay in my pajamas for an entire day and not have a single family member complain about it - I guess they are getting used to it.

I have stopped complaining about procrastinating.  I'm waiting on that one to add to 2013.

I am happy to announce that I achieved an all time high of 2,162 in support of Starbucks.  They are very happy with my purchases and sent me a thank you note.  Now to spend just as much with Weight Watchers to get me off the 1,254 calorie Toffee Nut Caramel Chocolate Gingerbread Mocha with extra whip whip.

The stove and I after a difficult separation have decided to try it again.  We're hoping for great things in 2013.

I have also created a healthy relationship with Autocorrect - I have published my list of misspellings for my friends so they truly understand what I am texting them.  Especially when I tell them that "I lobe them."

It is always good to celebrate your accomplishments, and not dwell on what you didn't accomplish - or worse yet get into a frenzy trying to accomplish everything in the last 4 days of the year.  So be happy with your prosperous 2012 and let's all start writing down our resolutions for 2013!