Famous Last Words

There are many times in life when you think, "Maybe this is not a good idea," but go ahead anyway.  Here are a few famous last words, take heed because when you hear them, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

"I know you have curly hair, the perm will put control in it.  Hold on, let me read the directions."

This is what my mother said, when, at sixteen, she talked me into a perm.  I am sure the directions didn't say make a part down the middle, roll away from the part with small rollers, leave it in too long.  Needless to say, it was not fun at sixteen, to have hair that looked like pubic hair on my head in the shape of Bozo the clown.

"This going to hurt me more that it hurts you."

This is usually followed by some type of torture.  A sibling holding the hot sauce to your tongue, a friend look at at the fish hook in your finger holding pliers, to the husband holding your hand as you realize the epidural didn't work and the doctor is saying, "It's time to push!"

"Don't move."

Again, this means pain.  The bee sitting on your nose as your sister holds the fly swatter, the snake next to your foot, or the toddler holding the snake out to you saying, "LOOK!  WORMS!"  William Tell coined this phrase using his little brother as a test subject on his Apple Arrow experiment.  Sadly, no one remembers the brother's name.

"Hold my beer."

I have yet to see any good idea started with this saying.  This usually ends with the person originally holding the beer, left holding the beer as the ambulance takes their friend to the ER.

"Don't worry, it's easy."

This usually means you'll be nursing cuts from the run/bike or standing lost on the side of a mountain with the only quick way available means scaling the side of some cliff.


"Three easy payments."

Your interest free offer is a setup.  They make it difficult to make the first payment, and when you hit their 15 day grace period they jack up the interest to 20%.  Of course you called several times trying to get an account number, they consider that giving information away to the enemy.



"I'm sorry I did not understand you."

This is that robotic voice usually leading the caller to throw down the phone and go out into your backyard and throw stuff around.  Then to accept that you will be lost in automatic customer service hell for the next hour and go back to your phone.

"Please wait."

This could be a computer program downloading, a customer service representative for Pure Romance, or the hostess at Cracker Barrel.  It is best to not think about life passing you buy and it could make you go back outside and throw things around.

"Momma, I love you."

Sure it's sweet, but there is always an ulterior motive behind this.  What follows is usually a WTF type statement like, "Can I use your crock pot to melt neon paint for my skateboard," or, "I'm not sure why your phone isn't working anymore."  The depth of the love statement is directly correlated to what they are requesting of you.

There are many famous last words, the only one I will take any time, anywhere are the "I love you's."

Of course, I usually follow them with, "Ummm, no."