WTF - Do not make me go there!

I've explained to my children that I am a sweet, wonderful girl.  They, however have sucked the sweetness out of my until I resemble this old crone, pointing a finger at them saying, "You!  You did this to me!"  How did they do it?  Let me start my list.

Mothering moment of the day.  I don't know what I hate more, folding laundry, matching socks, or putting it away.  But coming back to my folded laundry and finding that someone was "looking for something" and DESTROYED it?  So what did I do?

I went into their room, taking each piece of clean laundry, folding it into a ball and throwing it at them.  "No, I'm not folding it anymore.  Why should I, you just ball it up and leave it on the floor anyway."  Oh, that they were laughing while dodging clean underwear - well, that didn't help.

Where Is such and such?  Seriously, do you think because I am the only one in this house with boobs that they will automatically point to the object you are looking for?  Especially when you push your favorite pair of pants under your bed.  I'll automatically know where they are AND take them and wash them?

Do not even think of asking me to find something when you are late for school.  I can safely say that if they ever recast the movie Rumplestilkskin, they have a leading character in me!  If it is the, "Oh, I forgot my school project,"  to "where is my belt, my pants are falling down," don't spring things on me at the last minutes.  Don't especially tell me 2 minutes before we are due to walk out the door that you don't have any "clean" clothes.  They are clean, you just let them fall into balls on the floor and didn't pick them up.  If the dog has peed on them but they have not been in the washing machine since I last washed them, in my dictionary - THEY ARE CLEAN.

Newsflash - when you leave an empty container in the refrigerator - there isn't some fairy that appears magically filling it back up.  That is true for:
Yogurt containers  (Seriously, who leaves the empty yogurt container in the fridge WITH THE SPOON IN IT?)
Ice cream containers
orange juice
Danimals
Jello

The last roll of toilet paper is not the lost scroll of Amenhotep.  Touching it will not make you go blind. There are a few things you do in the bathroom that may accomplish that.

And if you really want to piss Mom off, leave the empty box of Butterscotch Krimpets in the pantry.  When I sneak in there at 10pm, and reach for it and find it EMPTY.

"Aaagh!!!"

Now that you are old enough, there are few things I will not do:
I don't pour glasses of milk.
I don't put dishes in the dishwasher
I don't smell socks to see if they are clean.
I will NEVER, I repeat NEVER pull your finger (you learned this from Daddy)

There you have it, I've lowered my standards because you've lowered yours.  Here's what I'm doing:

I'm throwing the pile of laundry on your bed until you can't stand it and fold it yourself.  (see how you like turning every single T-shirt right side in!)

I'm hiding a plate, utensils, and cup for me (you're resorted to finally eating off the counter because everything has disappeared into your room.

I'm hiding the toilet paper to make sure A, there's always some for me and B. You don't know where it is.

Oh and that bullhorn I just bought.  Well you'll find out about that tomorrow morning.

And finally, I'm leaving the seat DOWN after I pee.

Don't mess with Momma!

It's a Valentine's Pinterest War!

Valentine's is a day of love, excitement, and perhaps for a few of us, a reason to get lucky during the week.  Valentine's is also a holiday of low self esteem when you are a mom, when your child comes home from school with that handmade mailbox full of reasons why you suck as a mom.

When I was a kid the only dilemma on Valentine's day was how to write the name of the boy you "liked" on your Hardy Boy valentine.  If I write it too big he'll know I like him.  If I write it too small, he'll think I DON'T like him.  Wait, does this Valentine say "love you," oh I can't send this to him because then he'll really know that I like him.

Now, no one sent me the memo about the competition on Valentine's Day between Moms.  That this holiday was renamed, "Oh I'm a crafty wench," for Moms as their children brought in the hand decorated wagon of full of homemade treats and cards for the class.

My first hint was watching all the different things my friends were pinning on Pinterest.  "Wow, look Martha is making clay impressions of her son's heart out of cookie dough then hiding a SB Anthony dollar in each one before she baked them.  Now, that's crafty."

I thought it was the usual Pinterest game, that people were simply in a pinning war to show other Moms that we can all find the super craft stuff, but no one really DOES it right?

Then the mailbox comes home.  One Mom hand stenciled a Robert Frost poem in a perfect heart on a cut out doily attached to beautiful Valentine themed card stock.  Another, made her own Valentine paper with seeds of love in the paper, the children should plant the paper and watch their love grow.  And yet another drew 27 scale replicas of the Universe with a little "you are here with my heart" decoupaged over the Earth.  (Oh very crafty, a learning lesson and valentine?)  Then there's the one that made cookies that look like each child with hand lettered love poem for each one.

Me, I sent in the boxes of Candy Hearts.  I've got a whole Pinterest board of crap I could do for Valentine's Day but who's got time for that.  The basketball game was on last night and I had better things to do.

What I am going to do, is find some really crafty Pinterest pin about what to do with all the leftover Valentine crap and pin it to start freaking all the Moms out.  Maybe I can create a post Valentine, "Oh I can do crafty things with all your crafty things" holiday.

And you know what, my son went through his box, tossed all the cards and notes, even the exact replica of the human body in toothpicks, and went straight for the candy.  Take that you Moms.

How do you feel about Valentine's Day?

Yes, they are all mine!

There are so many special times when I am so proud calling my children - MINE!

Ways that my children resemble me:

1.  They have the amazing talent of losing everything.  I am tempted to staple their homework assignments to their forehead before they leave for school.

2.  My son cannot help himself but dance the day away.  Most times it is to his own beat but he doesn't care and neither do I.

3.  When the kids are out playing, I can only hear mine.  Yup, they are the loudest ones out there.

4.  They sometimes like to say the word Butt out loud and laugh.  This works equally well with Poop and other words.

5.  They have their own brand of fashion, nothing matches, and it works!

I am glad they do not resemble me in straight A's and I am proud to say that, but I'll keep working on them.

You are not alone - NOT!

My boys have been visiting with their cousin in Nashville this week, my wonderful husband has been in Africa this week, so it's left me and the dog alone - in the mountains.  Things I learned about empty nesting:

1.  Dogs are great conversationalists, they agree with everything you say, except for a few spare burps when you give them a treat for being such a good listener.

2.  It's always OK to have a conversation with yourself, especially when there's a lot of alone time.  Just get scared when you answer your own question with, "Huh?"

3.  You think not having distractions will make you more productive?  If you are used to working under distractions, then you'll find other distractions to avoid your work.

4.  You'll be surprised at how long you house actually stays clean when you've cleaned it to provide a distraction from what you were supposed to do.

5.  Just because there's no one there to see what you do, they'll still be able to sense that you sat in bed until 11am reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

6.  It's more fun to go to the bathroom wondering who's going to walk over and open the door then leave the door open.

7.  When the children are away you can actually find things, they stay where they are supposed to stay.

8.  It's no fun having an argument with yourself.

9.  It's more fun to watch the Romantic Comedy with the family and hear them groan during the love scene then simply sigh to yourself.

10.  Funny, but they drive you crazy all day long, you'll be surprised how quickly you miss them when they are gone!

Have you ever had your first alone time in, in, in, well whenever?  What will you do with the extra time?

What Moms are really thinking!

1.  Not right now honey - "Please stop bothering me because each time you come up and whine, means I'm delaying what YOU want me to do for another 15 minutes."

2.  Can you put that down?  "I'm getting ready to tase you bro if you don't put down that computer/iphone/DS or your little brother."

3.  Can you hear me?  "I've said the same thing 15 times, if you say you can then I'm going to smack you."

4.  What do you want?  "I'm sorry I was simply hearing you fighting, I didn't realize you were asking me for something."

5.  Give me a minute - "I'm in the bathroom reading 50 Shades of Grey because I can't concentrate on this steamy scene while you are talking to me."

6.  OK - "I didn't really hear a word you said hopefully you won't realize it."

7.  I'm sorry I forgot that at the store - "It wasn't on sale."

8.  For Pete's Sake - "How could two boys mess up a bathroom that bad?"

9.  Why don't you take the dog for a walk? - "Mommy needs a little Happy Hour and Happy means the right type of wine."

10.  I love you - "You drive me crazy but I wouldn't want it any other way."