We Have Gnomes in Our House

Two pesky little creatures called "Not Me" and "I don't know."

It is amazing how much trouble these little guys can get into.

They are very hungry little gnomes.  They love drinking all of the orange juice and leaving the empty container in the fridge.
  
If I get mad at them for doing this, they leave the full container in the fridge with the lid barely on so I douse myself with orange juice pulling it from the fridge.

They don't like my hardwood floors, feeling that they would look so much better with a nice covering of used candy wrappers.  Which is easy to do because they always drop them sticky side down so they won't move when my boys walk over them and cement them better to the floor.

I think they are afraid of kitchen elves, because they leave every single cabinet door wide open.  If could be to better see what's in there without the bothersome exercise of opening a cabinet door, or to protect themselves from any creative gnome trickery.

They both are raging fashionistas because no human, really.  No human.  Can try on and dump the amount of clothing sitting on my sons' bedroom floors.

I think they sleep with the Apple TV remote, because for some reason the only place I consistently find it is tucked under the cushions of the couch, after spending 15 minutes looking for it everywhere else.

I haven't caught a glimpse of them yet, still looking under each candy wrapper as I carefully peel it from the floor but no sight of them yet.

I know they are still here.

Someone left a nice big turd in the toilet.

What type of Mom are You?

It's the holidays, what type of Mom are you?

Spiritual Momma - "Let us all sit together here in a circle and feel the Christmas Spirit.  Charlie, will you stop pushing your brother!  I want quiet, Christmas Spirit cannot come if I am yelling at you!  Margaret, I don't care that Taylor is texting you, put the phone down.  We are going to feel the Christmas SPIRIT whether you want to or not!"

Perfect Momma - "Oh we don't use Facebook, or own a TV.  We want our children to read for entertainment.  All of our gifts are homemade by each other, if you want to see them check out Crafty Pinterest Board.  We're going to spend Christmas day cooking together in the kitchen, then sit and read A Christmas Carol together.  What?  Oh we do not allow candy in the home."

Badass Momma - "I am sorry your Smith and Wesson M&P45 Black is not in your stocking.  No one told me what was involved in a gun check, I'm waiting on the application to come back.  Here's your brass knuckles."

Organic Momma - "Don't you love the organic fruit in your stockings?  Everything under the all natural non pesticide sprayed, earth friendly Christmas tree is completely organic, PBA free AND gluten free."

Hipster Momma - "Listen, you are wearing the Rudolph pajamas!  We need a color coordinated picture for our Christmas Card.  Will someone hold the dog down while I put on her pajamas!"

Pinterest Momma - "I had everyone in the family create of Pinterest board of what they want for Christmas for the grandparents and relatives.  As each gift is purchased, we will add purchased to the comment for the picture.  I'm still working on my Christmas Spirit board."

Facebook Momma - "Will you stop hitting your brother long enough for me to take and post a picture of our perfect family!"

What type of Momma are you?

Who Needs A Superhero When You Have MOM!

My kids are moving past their wearing the capes to church stage, but every once in a while they ask me what superhero I'd like to be.

I usually say Wonder Woman but

Then a thought came to me:

I am MOM, I am already superhero.

I have xray vision - I can detect a child wearing the same pair of underwear for 7 straight days with just a look.

My vision can find the lost remote stuck between the cushions of the couch, or better yet, when someone puts it in their pocket and it is found BEFORE it hits the laundry machine.

Superbreath - I can take out a group of boys with just garlic bread and pickles - don't tempt me.

Firebreath - I can breathe fire - especially when kids are not ready for school....and yes, it sometimes is real fire.

Wonder Woman had the lasso of Truth - why have a lasso when I have the look of truth.  All I need to do is look at my children a specific way and they immediately spit out the truth, "OK, I know it was wrong.  I was looking at the flaming red stick of wood and wondered what it would feel like, so I put it on my brother's back."

I have Superstrength - yes, you would be amazed at what I can do to get a moldy towel off of a kids bedroom floor.

Able to leap small objects in a single bound, especially if I am stepping on a lego.  I can jump skateboards, and piles of clothes, including a clingy dog to get to the overflowing pot on the stove.

I have an enhanced sense of smell - I can smell a moldy lunch box in the back of my car before it becomes Hazmat.  I can sense whether or not a pair of socks are on their second, or fourth, or sixth rotation.  I can smell test anything coming out of the fridge, especially those that are a day or week past their expiration date (honey, it smells fine!)

I have the Mom Mobile - I can get a kid to school on time even if it means skidding into the carpool line on one wheel with happy Meal toys falling out of the door as he opens it.  Better yet, I have an invisible jet - no one sees me pull in front of the school, push a kid out and keep going - I am that fast.

I have invisibility - I am that nagging voice in my child's head when he thinks about possibly doing something wrong - and oh yes, I nag.

I have Superspeed - you'd be surprised how fast I can run down the neighborhood when someone lets the dog out.

I have a uniform - it has coffee spilled on the front of it, someone's boogers down the leg of the pants, a line of mud from putting bikes into the car, AND something unrecognizable from an exploding lunch box in the back seat of the car.

I have a sidekick - yeah, it's Daddy, and he makes all the jokes of our comic strip.

Don't MAKE me come over there! - Why I chose to have kids...

Children are a blessing.  They teach us so many important things.  Here's a few on my list:

I really wanted to see how long I could go without sleep.

I wanted to let go of my ego - childbirth - you completely let go of worrying about what ANYONE thinks about you.

I wanted an excuse to wear yoga pants.



I needed to learn how to multi-task - specifically with as many things happening at once as possible.

I needed someone to argue with besides the voices in my head.

I needed an excuse to eat Oreos, Fruit Rollups, Twinkies and Birthday Cake Ice Cream.

I wanted to go to Disney movies and not look like a pedophile.

I needed to hone my cooking skills, specifically how quickly I can make a meal with as few ingredients as possible.

I needed an excuse to let my body go to shit.  Somebody told me you'd get bigger boobs, not that they'd end up longer not bigger.

I needed a lesson in patience - rather, I needed to learn how much patience I actually have.

I need to learn how to not kill people - my kids kept me from becoming a serial killer.

They don't let women in combat, so I decided to create my own front line.

I didn't have a thesaurus - so now I have learned the many creative ways to say "butt" and "poop" and "stupid.".

I needed more mental challenge - especially trying to figure out the "why" in the "it sounded like a good idea" adventures.

I needed to add more sprints to my running workout - from chasing a toddler, to chasing a tweenie who just made a really bad decision.

I wanted to become immortal and the Fountain of Youth was just a myth.

The making the kids part - well, that was pretty cool.  Somebody should have explained the end result a little better.

What made you create your minions?

You are not alone - NOT!

My boys have been visiting with their cousin in Nashville this week, my wonderful husband has been in Africa this week, so it's left me and the dog alone - in the mountains.  Things I learned about empty nesting:

1.  Dogs are great conversationalists, they agree with everything you say, except for a few spare burps when you give them a treat for being such a good listener.

2.  It's always OK to have a conversation with yourself, especially when there's a lot of alone time.  Just get scared when you answer your own question with, "Huh?"

3.  You think not having distractions will make you more productive?  If you are used to working under distractions, then you'll find other distractions to avoid your work.

4.  You'll be surprised at how long you house actually stays clean when you've cleaned it to provide a distraction from what you were supposed to do.

5.  Just because there's no one there to see what you do, they'll still be able to sense that you sat in bed until 11am reading Fifty Shades of Grey.

6.  It's more fun to go to the bathroom wondering who's going to walk over and open the door then leave the door open.

7.  When the children are away you can actually find things, they stay where they are supposed to stay.

8.  It's no fun having an argument with yourself.

9.  It's more fun to watch the Romantic Comedy with the family and hear them groan during the love scene then simply sigh to yourself.

10.  Funny, but they drive you crazy all day long, you'll be surprised how quickly you miss them when they are gone!

Have you ever had your first alone time in, in, in, well whenever?  What will you do with the extra time?