WTF - Christmas Shopping Edition Part 2

Yep, December 5th and already I was receiving Christmas cards in the mail.

Who are these people?

Did they take their family pictures in July?  Because it takes us a few days, several bottles of bourbon and duct tape to get my kids to sit perfectly for the camera.

Are these the same people now boasting on Facebook?

Look I have my Christmas tree up.  Look I've even wrapped all my Christmas presents and strategically placed them under the perfect tree we put up as a family, sipping hot chocolate while listening to Christmas Carols together.  Without any fighting.

I explain to everyone listening that I cannot start Christmas shopping until the very last minutes because I have Gift Giving Syndrome.  This is an illness that manifests itself during the holidays as an uncontrollable urge to give away presents before the holiday.  Why?  Because I know they will LOVE my creative ideas and I can't wait until Christmas day.

Me?  I start a little slower.

I start the Christmas music after Thanksgiving, hoping this will get me into the mood.

I look at each family member, wondering, "What should I get them for Christmas?"

Then that quickly translates into, "Why should I get them something for Christmas?

Wouldn't the holiday of spreading good cheer be just that?  Spreading good cheer?

But I succumb to all of the Norelco sledding Santa adds and coincidently my bank account shows a positive balance and I go shopping.

Few things to keep in mind if you are like me and enjoy the last minute shopping.

1.  If you are shopping for your significant other on Amazon make sure their email is not the confirmation email.  Yep, gifting fail right there.

2.  Kids can smell wrapping paper.  If you want to keep your presents hidden, wrap in grocery store bags.  This will save you money.

3.  Shopping is always easier if you buy something for yourself in the process.  This makes going out shopping much easier.

Remember that Christmas Cheer starts at home.  Preferably the egg nog kind of cheer.  Chug a little of that before you go shopping and you'll be surprised at how quickly you are done, and how surprised you are Christmas day at your ingenuity when under the influence and present selection.  There's nothing like everyone, including you, being surprised as they open their presents.

So take that all you, my house is completely done, parents spreading the Christmas spirit.

If you are done, then there's plenty of time for you to come over and do my house.

Got it?  Spread a little more holiday cheer.

WTF - Christmas Shopping or Getting My Tinsel in a Tangle

Yes, it always starts with those warm and fuzzier.  I see myself skipping through the mall with a smile on my face as I hear beautiful Christmas music.  I stop to get a cup of coffee, check the list I made, then plan my relaxing day.

Right?

Wrong.

It starts with the 15 minute ride in the parking lot looking for a space.  You see I don't want to be too far away because I'll be carrying all that shit when I come back out, but I don't have the patience circling like a shark for an hour looking for something close.

The rain starts as I throw my car into park.  Yeah, the rain.

I grab my backpack, throw it over my head and run through the rain into the side door of the mall, thinking a cup of coffee would be nice.

I'm thinking my husband would look
better in this sweater.

As did the rest of humanity and the line at the coffee shop is pretty stiff competition to the Santa Claus line, complete with the child behind me whining about why they have to wait SO LONG.

Sidenote:  I do not miss the Santa Claus/Easter Bunny lines.  Especially with a screaming baby and a toddler that wants to touch everything they see, especially pulling at the beautiful red velvet ropes and pulling down the Disney style waiting line.

But I do get my cup of coffee, take a deep breath and relax.  To the list.

Which I forgot.

At home.

I could just wing it, but that can prove very expensive because when I wing it, I buy things that are not on the list then have to buy things on my list.  Wait a minute, did my kids hide the list for just this reason?  To increase their booty this year?

I stand with my coffee, listening to the children cry in the Santa Claus line, the Christmas music skipping on the speakers.

"This cannot be a wasted trip to the mall."

The 30 minute drive.
The 20 minutes of parking space.
I have a cup of coffee.
What shall I do?

I know!

I'll just buy something for me!

Let the joys of the season begin!

ANOTHER Black Hole

In my family, we have these places called Black Holes - where you enter said establishment, and a while later finally stumble out with a shopping cart full of shit wondering how that huge dent got into your wallet?

I found another one today - Michaels Craft Store.

My sons asked for a Rainbow Loom - yes, they have jumped on that bandwagon as it sped by and want to make bracelets out of what looks like braces rubber bands for their friends.  That my friend, is a whole new blog post.  They wanted this Rainbow Loom - 16.99 and exclusively at Michaels.

I noticed a different smell as I entered the store - was that?  Pumpkin Spice?  Immediately I am confronted by the display of Pumpkin Spice Candles, Pumpkin Spice Wax Melts, Pumpkin Spice Car fresheners - well, it's that the smell of the season?  I add a few to my cart.

The Rainbow Looms are hidden behind the How to Use The Rainbow Loom books, the unique storage case for your Rainbow Loom and tools AND the new sets of BLING to add to the bracelets as you create them.  Who am I to not boost the creativity of my children as I add a few bags of braces rubberbands, some bling - then tell myself I am being frugal because I am NOT buying them the unique carrying case----they can use the unique Silly Band carrying case they still have from the silly band phase.

In order to exit the store, you must walk down one aisle, up another past all the wonderful sights and smells of Michaels.

I added some blue and gold silk cloth with different color jewels for a project I have in my mind.

I thought, "How wonderful if I buy these 200 packs of blank cards and envelopes, then this wonderful celtic shamrock stamp to create my own line of stationary for all the handwritten notes I plan to write?"

"Oh, and who can pass up the LIVE, LOVE, LAUGHTER stamp to go with it because isn't that my motto?  And, I must add the ink pads for the stamps, and LOOK, here's a professional set of pens - what writer can live without THAT?"

I feel a tickle in my throat and pick up a bag of cough drops as I stand in line for the cashier then a bottle of water because shopping can just wear you out.

My 16.99 dollar loom cost me 78.94 in the long run.

Problem is....

When am I going to find the time to great the unique gold and blue thingy I have in my head.  And seriously, am I really going to make and stamp my own cards when I send only emails now?

And did I look or did it say in big letters that the loom came with bands?  What are we going to do with 4200 bands when neither boy has braces yet?

I think that Pumpkin Spice smell in Michaels was laced with LSD causing all of us women in there to walk around like zombies throwing as much shit as we can into our carts.

Yup, a black hole that grabs your wallet, holds you hostage for a few days then dumps you with a cart full of crap you eventually hide in your hoarder closet because you feel guilty you didn't create that beautiful card.

Don't hold your breath if you waiting on a LIVE, LOVE LAUGHTER stamped card from me.

Have you been sucked into a Black Hole? I bet you have!

The definition of a Black Hole is a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light cannot get out.  Scientists travel to outer space researching these when there are few right her in our back yard that could provide substantial information.  What?  You didn't know about the black holes we have?

The Purse - this is a small black hole, scientists think these smaller black holes originated at the beginning of the universe.  The size of the black hole is dependent on the size of the purse.  Scientists call Black Holes small but their MASS or the amount of stuff they hold can be massive.  This is true when you are looking for your keys, reading glasses, lipstick, business card, pen, pencil, nail clippers, super glue, or deodorant.  The hole starts at the bottom of the purse and continues out to pockets on the side of the purse.  Items have been know to be lost for not just hours but days and into years with one woman reporting she found a piece of her child's umbilical cord in the bottom of her purse.

The Office - The example of a black hole in the office is that one co-worker's office.  Small black holes consists of cubicles, the larger ones usually have a door between gravity and anti gravity.  Scientists have confirmed chains of black holes in the office that start with the receptionist desk then move to the water cooler and finally end in a supermassive nova of the lunch room.  Protecting yourself from these black holes consist of arriving 1 hour prior to the arrival of other employees and carrying the protection of an iPhone to use as a distraction to get past the black holes.


The School - this is the second type of black hole, next in size called the Stellar Black Hole.  The opening of this hole is at the front door of any school - elementary, middle, college.  A parent can see the time of their day sucked clean by the first teacher that stops asking a question.  Answering that question secures the parent in the black hole for the office administrators to come out and ask a question, followed by the PTA representatives followed by the child that they thought they got away from realizing they are back in school and coming back begging that they feel sick and want to go home.

The Mall - these are the largest or what scientists call SuperMassive black holes.  The deprivation of oxygen in these massive structures can cause strange syndromes in humans.  IWannaHaveIt is a syndrome where the human spots something in a store that looks perfect when the oxygen is thin in the mall, then once they get it home they realize they look like a Hootchie Mama.  Many humans have been sucked into these black holes, only to escape out the revolving door with a missing amount of cash in their wallet and several shopping bags in their hand.

Are Black Holes destroying out universe?  Yes, many scientists cite the Black Hole of Walmart.  There are many stories of humans disappearing into these Holes and returning with a complete personality change.  Some have said the use of an electric wheelchair was the only way to escape the gravitational pull.  Others have surfaced a few days later with a case of Coors Light, some ammo and a pack of Depends.

How do you protect yourself from Black Holes?  Your first choice is to avoid them.  If you cannot avoid them, arm yourself with a small child that whines and complains until the gravitation pull lets go of both of you for a bit of peace and quiet.

If you fall into the Black Hole of Great Book - have a great time and we'll talk to you later.

What are your black holes?

There is heroin in Trader Joes

Trader Joes - this black hole masks itself as a grocery store.  Sure any sane individual can walk in and actually get groceries and walk out, but this store is designed for the other 98% of us, those that have absolutely no will power.  You start very calmly, thinking you are picking up your groceries at a great price and feeling like a great Mom because most of what you buy is organic (score)!  Then you move from only focusing on what you need to making the mistake of looking up into the spawn of temptation - the upper shelves.

Trader Joes is the only store I can walk into and justify to myself that I really do need, Salted Caramels, Dark Chocolate Peppermint Bark, Cookie Dough Butter, Red Licorice AND Dark Chocolate Almond Drizzled Biscotti.  Any normal grocery store and I'd sail right past any type of sweet and go straight for the protein bars or fresh fruit.  No, here it's like I become a crazed lunatic, wandering like a zombie down the aisles of the store, pulling things from the top shelf and carefully piling them into my shopping cart.  Add a case of wine for under 40 bucks and I've satisfied every vice in a one stop shopping, well, two stop shopping - one extra stop at Frederick's of Hollywood.

When you think you have the Trader Joe secret licked, when you think you can be strong and not buy anything you don't need - they come at you from another angle.

"Would you like a free sample of one of our products?"
"What is it?"
"English Toffee laced with Heroin and topped with Almonds,  our special recipe, a free sample."
"Why of course it is."
"Sure."

$362.54 dollars later, walking out in a case of wine and a full shopping cart, while holding a mile long register receipt, you're wondering, "How did that happen?"

Secretly, I think they pump oxygen into the store, while wafting smells of baking cookies and making fudge so resistance is futile.  I'm waiting now for the online version, when you order from the comfort of your home and go to pick up your groceries.  But wait, what if they make me walk inside to get them?  $465.72 dollars later.

Strike While the Iron's Hot!

Trained quicker than Pavlov’s dogs, my kids can quickly smell blood in the water and they don’t circle, they go directly in for the kill.  Kill our wallets that is!  We could take them into Dick’s Sporting Goods, buy a bottle of BB’s and get out without a single whine.  They they realized that each and every store we walk into has STUFF for THEM, so they went from wanting to sit in the car and play video games to ALWAYS coming in with us!

Why?  Because Daddy has his wallet open, and when it’s open there’s a really good chance they can pull a few dollars out of it.  Case in point at the ski resort this weekend, my wonderful husband was getting his skis tuned so he went over to a shop to try out some demo skiis.  Both boys were with me getting ready when one asked, 

“Where’s Daddy?”

“He went over to Roots Ride Shop to get some demo skis,” I replied and as I turned around they were GONE!  Gone and leaving me to put out all the snow gear, open our locker and get out more equipment.  Halfway through the process all three come in with a smile on their face.

“What did you do,” I ask looking at my husband.

“You won’t believe the deal I got on these skis,” he says with a smile.

Then I notice that one child has a brand new facemask while the other is sporting some very cool gloves, “Oh, and those?”

He shrugs, “they gave us a discount.”

Now I’m trying to learn from them, if Daddy is in a store that means the wallet is opening, if the wallet is opening it’s a free for all on who gets first in line to get something new.  Just to drive the point home, after a day on the snow, he takes the skis back and buys them!  Why wasn’t I there to look at new snowboards?  

It doesn’t matter where we are:  Lowes Home Improvement - they want a soda.

Grocery Store - they each want their own bag of chips.

Gap - “who threw these pants into the buggy?”

Victoria’s Secret - the only place they said they’d wait outside the door - ALL THREE OF THEM.

So Daddy is going to have to learn to either shop by himself to save money or tell them NO when they start the minute the bell on the door tinkles.  And I’m going to pay better attention, if I see the three of them walking into a store, I’d better get over there first-my board is an antique and I’ve had the same pair of gloves for over 5 years!  Time to ride the gravy train!  Do your kids work you over in every store too?