How to avoid the divorce papers......

My Significant Other, with 25 years of marriage under our belt, have learned to avoid the situations that cause divorce.  We thought we would share a few with you, so you can prepare and avoid filing the papers.

Traveling - Anytime there's more than one piece of luggage involved, there's possible divorce papers involved.  Include two kids, security, complete with setting off the metal detectors and leaving a pair of shoes behind (how do you do that) as a wife, you just smile and watch your husband have a total meltdown.  Usually, he is fine once the storm has passed.

Setting up a Campsite - the number of pieces associated with your tent will determine how quickly the divorce papers are filed when setting up a tent.  If there are small pieces to the tent, and small children involved the papers are filed sooner rather than later.  Once when we were camping with several families, as each family arrived  - everyone pulled up their lawn chairs for prime watching as the couple setup their campsite - this included betting on how quickly they would start arguing then start shouting.

Driving Directions - I've learned with this one that my SO will simply go the opposite of what I tell him to do.  Simply smile, wait until he realizes he's going the wrong way, watch him bang on the steering wheel.  Then just to make it even more fun, I'll add, "It says here DEAR, that you were supposed to turn left 5 miles back."



Putting together anything - we're both chiefs so it usually starts with both of us with the dewey eyed look of, "We can do this together," then disintegrating into, banging, throwing of things, then finally me walking away before the lawyer knocks at the door.  Again, the number of pieces and whether or not the directions are written by a Chinese person determine how quickly this happens.  ("Whilst parking the screw into Tab C with the venerable twist....)

The First Day of Ski Season - This is when we look like a three ring circus as everyone starts looking for their ski gear.  Half way through a morning of "Mom, where is," and "Mom where is," my hubby will stand up and make a declaration, "I think someone has stolen all of my gear.  Not a single thing of mine is in the drawer."  He is very happy when he finds most of his stuff balled up and stuffed into the back of the ski drawer - complete with a scratch on his goggles.  The papers come during the walk with all the crap to our locker at the ski resort.

Shopping at Lowes - this is my downfall.  I am a dude shopper - I go, make a beeline for what I want, get it, check out and get out of the store.  My SO has to look through everything in the store, thinking of possible uses for the bits of PVC pipe he found in the discount bin.  My patience wears thin as I wait while we look at different types of nails, kits for the toilet, and how to put in your own water purification system.  After way too much time, with the papers in my back pocket, we finally make it out of the store with only what we planned on getting in the first place.  I honestly feel that I've lost a year of my life standing by a cart in a Lowe's store saying, "Honey, I'm not really sure we need the fake  rock hide a key for our house."

By realizing that these situations happen and taking the appropriate action, you can have a long happy marriage like mine - or at least no one has called their best friend to help them hide the body.  Marriage is a give and take - give a little and sometimes take a shot before the situation because it may help keep the papers at bay.

What are your divorce paper moments?

Great April Fools Ideas!

Shhhh, April Fools is coming up - I thought I'd share a few things that make me smile.

Go through the drive through window at your local fast food place in reverse.  You'll love the look on their face.

Try to order a McFlurry with an Australian accent.

Take Oragel or what ever tooth pain gel you have and put in on their toothbrush.

This also works well with a drop of blue food coloring hidden in the blue bristles of their toothbrush.

Put water on your hand and fling it at other people as you sneeze.


Tape the top of the TV remote with clear tape.

My kids love when I change up their chore chart - I replace it with "Punch your brother" or "Act like the dog"

Paint their soap with clear nail polish, they'll wonder why it doesn't lather up.

Fool around with someone's auto correct dictionary.  Substitute the word "the" with "boonsloggers."

You know that the only person who does like a taped nozzle on the sprayer is the one using it!

If you want someone to kill you, there's always the plastic wrap over the toilet seat.  One year I put Icy Hot on the toilet seat.

One year, I toilet papered their bed while they were sleeping (my kids would sleep through a nuclear war)  then I put glitter on the ceiling fan blades.  (I wasn't happy with my clean up job on that one.)

If you really want to be creative and they are sound sleepers, sew them to their bed.

And my favorite, spill your nailpolish on wax paper and let it dry.  Peel it off and set it around the house letting your significant other completely freak out. 

Best way to enjoy it?  set their clocks one hour ahead and you'll have plenty of time!

What do you do to celebrate the holiday?

When Boys Get Bored.....

It starts with the constant bang,
Something,
What is that?
Hitting the wall upstairs?

Trying to ignore it, you continue work

until
"Will you PUHHHLEASSE stop doing that?"

Voice from upstairs, "What?"

"Whatever you are doing!"

"Uh OK."  The banging continues, until you fling your reading glasses and march upstairs.

Two boys lay in bed, ball in hand.  They look over at you and then throw the ball against the wall - AGAIN.

"I asked you to stop doing that," you say.
"What?" One asks throwing the ball.
"That..." you say pointing to the ball.
"Oh, this," he holds up the ball.
You take a deep breath holding back the, "What in the hell did you think I was talking about - breathing?"  and simply grit out, "Yes, that."


Waiting a minute outside the door, making sure they actually heard you, then back downstairs hoping to concentrate.

Then more banging starts upstairs, this time elephants are moving furniture.
You hear, "STOP!"  From upstairs, and try desperately to ignore it.

You can't because it becomes a chorus of "STOP" until finally it sounds like someone's head has hit the floor.  Again, the reading glasses go down and you stop upstairs.  You fling open the door and there's your youngest lying on the floor with the older one sitting on top of him.

"Can you stop this please," you say.

They both look at you with an expression of, "What?  This?  But this is what we normally do."  The older one does not get off, you take a step toward him.  He senses something (your anger?) and gets up, the younger one gets up with a parting shot to his brother because Mom is there and this is the one time he can get away with it.

"Why don't you guys go outside," you ask.
"It's raining," they reply.
"Then find something to do," you say leaving the bedroom again.  This time much to your dismay they follow you downstairs, sitting at a computer on the couch.

"Max es un cabezazo y tira un pedo mucho," the computer says.  One starts to laugh.  The other says, "My turn."
Translation - Max is a butt head and farts a lot.

Give up now, at least nothing gets broken with Google Translate and they are actually learning Spanish.

Useless Things for Boys

Here is my list of useless items to boys:



Any item of clothing in white.

A cap on a toothpaste tube, usually lost the first time they use it.  For that matter, toothpaste anyway - do they really use it in the 3 seconds they take to brush?

Clean towels - they end up on the floor anyway.

Trash can - I'm pretty sure my kids have no idea we even own one, given the wrappers on the floor.

Dog treats - she's pretty busy eating what they are leaving under their beds so she has no interest in "good for her" dog treats.

Brakes - I don't think my boys think they exist on their bikes.

Hairbrush - someone told me this becomes a necessity at the same time they begin to notice girls.

Water - specifically bathwater.  My boys tell me they'll just dust off.


A toolset - again, the more pieces to the set, the quicker they disappear in your home.

The remote - you'll never find that one again.

Any other useless stuff you'll add to the list?

We need these holidays!!!

Special holidays that we like to celebrate:

Mother's Day Period - this once a month holiday starts with the Feast of Chocolate and ends with the Pouring of the Wine.  It is marked with the wearing of the Spankx during the parade of complaining.

Feast of the Go to Your Room - this holiday happens the second day of Spring Break.  Included with this holiday is the Go to Bed Without Dinner Fast and some countries handcuff or tie brothers together in celebration.


National Science Fair Marathon - this is a Spring holiday.  Starting on a Sunday night and running through 6am Wednesday morning.  The start of the holiday is when the the child remembers 8pm Sunday night that their Science Fair project is due the next morning.  Parent and child go four days without sleep culminating with the feast of the Triptich involving glue, glitter and vodka.

SpringTime Slimfest Fast - this holiday period begins early May marked by the first bikini commercial.  Many women mark the fast with the purchase of Nair, prozac and Slimfast.  It has roots  back to ancient times, when the virgin with the most weight was thrown in the well to satisfy the Gods, making women lose weight prior to the holiday to save their lives.  Now, women lose weight not to save their lives but to save their waistline.  Or to not be mistaken for beached whales in bikinis when not observing the holiday..

Summer Break Holiday - this holiday runs from June through August.  Many local children rub their faces with as much sugar as possible and wear a dumb look on their face signally the atrophy of the brains from lack of use.  Computer manufacturers mark the holiday with several new downloadable games at three easy payments of 3.99 while most liquor stores see a run on tequila and limes rather than wine and vodka.

Eclipse of the Children's Room - this event happens when the floor of the children's room becomes completely obscured either by the passing of clothing from drawers to the floor, or the number of towels from the bathroom.  A total eclipse of the floor happens when the mother peeks into the room, then slowly shuts the bedroom door.

And finally,

Mother's Day - originally the shortest holiday of the year, commencing once a child is born then ending 5 minutes later when the cord is cut.  The holiday now is one day a year and consists of the burning of the toast, the coffee surprise and the bed marathon.  the secret behind a successful Mothers Day is the little known sub holiday called The Five Minuter, 5 minutes of time alone in the bathroom with the door locked!!

Is it just me....

Or do all these women with lots of plastic surgery just look freaky?  Have you seen Dolly Parton lately?

Or does elastic in the slimming jeans not slim, it just makes your butt look bigger when they fall down as you bend over.

Or do you look around when you are doing something wrong wondering if the paparazzi is going to take a picture of you?

Or do you say all kinds of cuss words in your mind, resisting the urge to say them out loud.  Sort of like, "Are you a f*cking idiot?"

Or do you think your kids are the smartest ones out there, and everyone else's are annoying?

^^^is true with your dog too?

Or does seam in your tights looks like a C-section scar when you take them off?

Or do you always feel like you are getting shafted with 100 calorie packs of ANYTHING.

Or do you spend way too much time trying to figure out if a picture is photoshopped, then smiling when you realize you are right?

Or do you sit through 30 minutes of a child's TV show before you realize that you are actually sitting alone?

Or does not a single gas station attendant can give out directions?

Or do you resist commenting or liking anything just posted to your page because then everyone would know you spend all your time on the Internet?

Or is a door never locked when you need it to be locked - bedroom, bathroom, you name it.

What are you quirky observations?

Passwords, smashwords!

Don't you love all of our cyber security on the Internet lately?

I may be dating myself but I remember the only password you ever needed was for your bank card.  THANK GOD, I wasn't around when there wasn't bank card passwords.

Then come the computers.  They just won't let us make it easy.

"I'm sorry, your password must contain a number."
-How do I include a number in ILoveTacos?  ILoveTacosI81?

Then they make it harder.
"I'm sorry, your password must contain a minimum of 8 characters, 1 number and 1 capital Letter."
-What?  Now do I change it to "ILove3TacosAL0t?"

So I've decided to change my passwords to one's that I will remember with some of these companies.

Duke Energy (really, is anyone going to hack in and PAY my bill) "DukeEnergy4U"



My bank - how about this one, "TakeAllMy$$"

The Cable Company, "UA**ReallySuK"

And I love this one, My Health Insurance Provider, "0-0ThtsMyBill?"

So I write all my passwords on a file names "Passwords" on my computer and I password protect it.  Then I forget where I filed it.  So I have to go down the computer's journey to regain my password.

****

Having fun with The Cable Company (again, why Fort Knox, will someone hack in and see that I watched Episode 5 of True Blood 8 times?)

"I'm sorry, would you like to reset your password?"

-why yes, I would.

"But first we must make sure you are not some Terrorist trying to pay Kelly Melang's cable bills."

-believe me, I'm not.

"What was the date of your first period?"
I stare at the computer screen.  What?  How do I know that?  I try calculating in my mind and guess a date.
"We're sorry would you like to try your other security question?"
-Why sure, I would.
"What is the name of your first pet?"
Hmmm, now I am stumped again.  Are they referring to when I was a kid and Taffy was my first dog? When I was in college, my first dog of my adult life, my first dog when I was married?  I'm sweating because I only have three chances to pay my cable bill and I'm thinking of 6 dogs.

So then I wonder, did I set this account up while I was drinking wine?  That could affect the password. Did I even setup this account?  What if the hubby did, shit, he has had over 12 dogs.  Maybe we just went with the kids names, they can be dogs sometimes.

I finally decide to go for it and as I go ahead and type in my password, my internet goes down due to non payment of the cable bill.

So I have to call and pay the bill.  I can't google the number because my internet is down.  I try several times on my phone to locate and call the number.

"Please enter your Cable Company Telephone password, this is different from your Internet password and will contain 13 characters, one digit, one special symbol and a strand of hair for verification."

Do you remember your passwords?

Today I will NOT

Every sit first thing in the morning and write out your to do list?  Depressing, right?  Well, here's mine for today.


10.  Today I will NOT endure whining.  When I hear myself whine, I'm going through OK magazine to show myself others out there have it harder than I do.  I mean, Blake and Amanda?  What?

9.  Today I will NOT remake anything.  It is not National Short Order Cook Day.  If you don't like it, too bad, I'll just live with the accidental over pour of Baileys in my coffee.

8.  Today I will NOT do useless things like read the paper.  I educate myself with Talk Soup of course.  Then I'll spend endless hours reading stuff on the Internet - because everything is TRUE on the internet.

7.  Today I will not dress for style, or to look cute.  Well, I guess I usually look cute anyway in what I wear, but it will be for COMFORT - unite with me!

6.  Today I will NOT fold everyone else's laundry.  Why?  I come a day later and it's balled up and shoved in a drawer anyway.

5.  Today I will NOT organize anything.  Well, I will not think about it like I do every day - who needs those guilty feelings.

4.  I will NOT do everyone's dishes.  I'll hide my clean dishes in the laundry basket because no one puts anything in there anyway.

3.  Today I will NOT listen to Jessie, or Good Luck Charlie, or Pair of Kings, or especially FRED!  Ya'll will have to listen to my Duck Dynasty marathon, for Pete's Sake, elevate your interests people!

2.  Today I will NOT count calories.  It makes everything I eat taste so much sweeter.

1.  Today I will NOT live by the rules - I mean, I never did anyway right?

This one is for my REAL girlfriends

If you are not a close friend, then stop reading now. I don't want to scar those that don't know me well.  This is for my close girl friends - My Plan Z.

Plan Z - definition please - if anything happens to me, and there is the possibility I MAY not make it, here's the stuff I need you to get out of my house.

There's several folders on my computer I want you to delete - Adam Levine, Fast and Furious, Yummy and Webcam photos - don't ask questions just delete them.

On my book shelf there's a book called "Poetry,"  I should have named it "Bad Poetry," because that's what it is, burn it.

The right hand drawer by my bed, take the whole thing and throw it in the neighbors trash.  That way if the can blows over in the wind, they will be look at as the derelicts not me.

Boudoir Photos - sure they were done when I actually had a body, but you know if they get on Facebook or worse put out at my wake, that cannot happen.  They are bottom bookshelf, behind the family bible.

The coconut bra - it's in my underwear drawer - you can have that one.

Finally, Make sure you make a copy of the folder blackmail pictures before Wolf or Max gets to it.  Jeff may need these to keep them in line during the highschool years or to give to the press when they become President and Vice President.

Thanks, what's your Plan Z for your girlfriends.  If life doesn't teach you anything, it screams it's short and definitely unpredictable.

New Sayings for this Day and Age

Here's some new sayings around my household:

"Everything is a reasonable price until the hoarder in your pops out and you buy the whole lot, then it gets expensive." - husband after trip to Target.


"I can tell you one hundred times that you will break that if you keep playing with it that way, or I can drink a glass of wine and watch." - mom, with new electronic.

"Everything's easier when the kids are in bed asleep." - husband every night.

"If I make it, you eat it.  No, you do not have another choice, I just put energy into making it." - Mom, standing in kitchen with long knife in hand.

"Some mornings it's just easier to sigh and go with the sugar options." - Mom at the Krispy Kreme drive thru speaker.

"Which would you rather have on that cut, alcohol or peroxide.  No there is no other choice." - Mom to child who will not let anyone clean out his cut.

"Oh, you so have a visit from Evil Mommy coming mister!" - Mom to kids when looking in their bedroom.

"Am I listening to you?  What?" - Wife, to husband when watching Criminal Minds.

"You're lucky you're cute because you're the reason I tinkle every time I sneeze." - Mom to youngest when he will not stop singing the same song line over and over again.

"Don't have time to clean?  Just lower the blinds, everything looks cleaner in a dimmer light." - Mom, to kids, when she wants to see a movie instead.

"You always have something to say, sometimes the better option is to simply not say it." Mom to girlfriend when telling about argument with hubby from night before.

"Leave my hoarder closet alone, I need all that shit." - Wife, to husband when he opens the door that should not be opened.

"Leave it there.  Why?  Because I put it there.  I won't find it again if you move it." - Wife, to husband when he tries to organize her kitchen.

"Seriously, order the Diet Coke.  It counteracts the calories in the Big Mac." Mom to girlfriend after girls nite out.

"I shall repeat myself because there is a big difference between what I just said, and what you thought you just heard." - Me to myself, in my head.

There is heroin in Trader Joes

Trader Joes - this black hole masks itself as a grocery store.  Sure any sane individual can walk in and actually get groceries and walk out, but this store is designed for the other 98% of us, those that have absolutely no will power.  You start very calmly, thinking you are picking up your groceries at a great price and feeling like a great Mom because most of what you buy is organic (score)!  Then you move from only focusing on what you need to making the mistake of looking up into the spawn of temptation - the upper shelves.

Trader Joes is the only store I can walk into and justify to myself that I really do need, Salted Caramels, Dark Chocolate Peppermint Bark, Cookie Dough Butter, Red Licorice AND Dark Chocolate Almond Drizzled Biscotti.  Any normal grocery store and I'd sail right past any type of sweet and go straight for the protein bars or fresh fruit.  No, here it's like I become a crazed lunatic, wandering like a zombie down the aisles of the store, pulling things from the top shelf and carefully piling them into my shopping cart.  Add a case of wine for under 40 bucks and I've satisfied every vice in a one stop shopping, well, two stop shopping - one extra stop at Frederick's of Hollywood.

When you think you have the Trader Joe secret licked, when you think you can be strong and not buy anything you don't need - they come at you from another angle.

"Would you like a free sample of one of our products?"
"What is it?"
"English Toffee laced with Heroin and topped with Almonds,  our special recipe, a free sample."
"Why of course it is."
"Sure."

$362.54 dollars later, walking out in a case of wine and a full shopping cart, while holding a mile long register receipt, you're wondering, "How did that happen?"

Secretly, I think they pump oxygen into the store, while wafting smells of baking cookies and making fudge so resistance is futile.  I'm waiting now for the online version, when you order from the comfort of your home and go to pick up your groceries.  But wait, what if they make me walk inside to get them?  $465.72 dollars later.

Spring Forward -NOT!

Here's my Daylight Savings Time Opinions -

Getting up tomorrow morning is going to suck.

Getting my spawn up for school is going to suck even worse.

Who thought of changing the time?  Probably some Mayan and we all know how they screwed up the calendar.

Nope, it was probably someone WITHOUT kids who said,

"ooh, let's screw up everyone's morning by taking away an hour and adding it to the end of the day.  We'll confuse them while they are still tired, then sneak into their homes and steal all their money."

So, go to bed early you say, attack it that way.

Well of course not, going to bed early SOUNDS too logical so therefore both of my kids ARE NOT going to do that.

Maybe I can bribe them with a trip to Krispy Kreme if they get their act together with what will feel like the butt crack of dawn tomorrow morning.  Better than the going to bed early stuff, I say.

Are you happy Spring is right around the corner?

St, Patrick's Day Ideas

A little St. Patrick’s Day Fun for the Family - take that Pinterest!

It’s the one day of the year where everyone, and I mean everyone is Irish.  St. Patrick’s Day, a holiday that meant totaly debauchery when you were in college, takes on a whole new meaning when you have children.  You move from what bar are you hanging out in to the magic of leprechauns and pots of gold.  Since I am graced with the name Kelly, St. Patrick’s Day is a big holiday in our home.  Here’s a few fun things we tend to do on the day of the green.

Start your day with an Irish Song - right now every store has an Irish song CD at a discount.  I simply put my Pandora station to Celtic Music to start the day, then traditional Irish songs the rest of the day.

Those pesky little leprechauns do crazy things in our home on the day, they really are the tricksters.  They love to turn the milk green, so a bowl of cereal in the morning or a glass with your breakfast is nice surprise.  Amazingly, somehow the eggs in the pan also have a green tint, I say that the leprechaun was talking to the hen a long time ago.

If you hit them early, most dollar stores or Target has chocolate coins around St. Patrick’s day, I always pick up enough for my child’s class.  Then the leprechaun goes to work!  It is amazing that every year, when my son’s class goes to lunch, the leprechaun sneaks into their classroom and creates total mayhem.  Last year, he put a bookbag hanging from the ceiling.  He took the teacher’s chair and put it in the closet.  He switched out pencil boxes of the students, he even left part of his gold, luckily chocolate coins on each of the desks of the students!  The teacher usually reads a story of a leprechauns to complete the day.

The best part of his visit to the school and the home?  He leaves little pieces of himself around the home, small spots of glitter.  Short sheeting the bed.  AND he even uses the toilet.  Did you know that leprechauns pee is green.  (You can make his foot prints by coloring the side of your hand green and stamping it around the room.)  Oh, don't forget to short sheet the beds and add a little glitter.

Need an Irish Lunch - How about Shamrock Quesadillas - We use Spinach Tortillas, load them with either Irish or Mexican favorites and use a heart shaped cookie cutter to cut out the pieces of the shamrock.  You can also simply cut the tortillas and then fill and fry in a pan.  If you really want to be creative you can make a St. Patrick’s Day Pizza - pizzas with shamrocks cut out of green peppers, and a rainbow out of yellow, red, and green peppers.  Yeah, I know, my kids probably wouldn’t eat it either.

Having the traditional Irish dinner - actually, you’d be serving Salted Pork and Cabbage, but here we use Corned Beef (sounds so much better)  Here’s my go to recipe for the crock pot -

1-3 lb corned beef

Onion

4 potatoes - we like russet but whatever

Cabbage

Baby carrots

1 can of Guinness

Layer everything in the crock pot - the vegetables on the bottom, the corned beef in the middle, the cabbage and the spices from the corned beef on the top.  Pour in the Guinness and beef stock or water and cook on low for 8 hours.

We add some Irish Soda Bread - my grandmother’s recipe

3/4 cup raisins

1 cup boiling water

2 cups all-purpose flour

1 cup whole wheat flour

1/3 cup sugar

3 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 egg

2 cups buttermilk

1/4 cup butter, melted

Cover raisins with boiling water; let stand for 5 minutes. Drain 

Mix the flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Whisk the egg, buttermilk and butter. Mix together until just moistened. Fold in raisins.

Bake in a loaf pan at 350° for 50-60 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center comes out clean. 

We finish our day with a good Irish movie - I recently watched one called The Runway on Netflix, beautiful scenery and a great story.  Or the oldie but goodie - Waking Ned Devine.  Two great movies that give you a taste of the Irish life.  

Since I am not the best baker, here's a great site for some dessert ideas for school or home:

http://kitchenfunwithmy3sons.blogspot.com/2013/03/simple-st-patricks-day-oreo-pops.html

So get your Shamrock on and have some fun with the family.  Erin go Brach!!

She wore WHAT?

Here's a few tips for fashion over 40---

1.  I have yet to see a pair of white leggings that are not see through.  So if you don't have a see through kind of body, stick to the darker color leggings.

2.  It's OK to wear the baby doll or princess shirts when you are over 40 - people can look at your age and know exactly that you are not pregnant.

3.  Do not wear anything with any words like PINK or JUICE or anything else on your butt.  People your age can actually read and will read your butt.

4.  Push up bras were made for boobs that still had some type of perk to them, over 40 boobs will push up and fall out on a regular basis.  Make sure the bra looks realistic - no one wants to see your boobs touching your chin.

5.  Think twice about florals - you'll either look like a curtain or and old lady - the louder the print the more you'll see the sea of people parting for you.

6.  If you are wearing a thong, no one wants to know.  At your age it will scare most of your children's friends if they spy a "whale tail" coming out of your jeans.

7.  Your skirt length tells your style - too short = cougar, too long = grandma....just right above the knee so you can still show off the legs you've been working so hard on.

8.  Hip reading glasses - that makes being blind a little bit more manageable.

9.  Cute shoes - you can worry about your feet later.  If you don't have the clothes then blow them away with the shoes.

10.  Have fun with your clothing - it's more fun to dress up as the Chiquita Banana Lady to pickup your kids from school then the sweats and baseball hat.

11. Try it before you buy it - especially if it is on sale.  Nobody wants a hoochie mama skirt bought at 50% off that shows the bottom portion of your thong when you bend over.

Show your family that you haven't lost your sense of style in your extra layers of belly fat and dress like the fabulous forty something you are!

What would you add to the list?

Today I wine....

Today, I WINE, I mean Whine!

The Wine In The Box - we call this Chateaux de BlackBoque  We like this wine because it keeps your secret.  It's not that stinkin little bottle that says, "Hey alkie you've had your two glass limit."  No the box whispers, "It's OK, there's plenty in my 6 bottles for 19.99."

The *sigh* wine - this is the bottle of wine you find in the sale section of the grocery store.  Buy it thinking, "probably cooking wine" then get the nice surprise of a REALLY GOOD bottle of wine.  You skip back to the grocery store and then "sigh" it's back at it's regular price which is MUCH HIGHER than your good old friend Chateux de BlackBoque.

Cooking Wine - yes, I know everyone argues that there is no such thing as cooking wine.  And those Pinterest junkie chicks who actually freeze leftover wine (when is there ever leftover wine) in ice cube trays are crazy witches.  But this bottle of wine you bought because the label was pretty and made it look pretty expensive then it actually tastes so back you decide it is, ACK! in fact "cooking wine."

Beauty Queen Bottle- this is the sneaky bottle sitting on the shelf next to your Chateaux de BlackBoque that has such a pretty label that you are compelled to buy it.  Then you have buyers remorse for spending THAT on a bottle of wine and convince yourself that you'll start a wine cellar with this first expensive (over 4.99) bottle of wine.  Unfortunately your wine cellar goes out the window when Chateaux de BlackBoque runs out and Beauty Queen bottle becomes tramp under the bleachers bottle.

Bait and Switch Wine - this is my new favorite at Trader Schmoes.  You walk into but a case of 3 buck Chuck (2.99 a bottle, cheaper than Chateaux de BlackBoque) and walk out with 400 dollars worth of crap.  Well played Trader Schmoes, well played.

Kid's Wine - this is that "great mothering" moment when your child says very loudly in the grocery store, "Hey Mom, let's get some kids wine," holding up a bottle of sparkling apple cider.  Your not sure if you are horrified with them having the idea of "kids wine" or everyone in the wine section of the grocery store looking your way.

There, I've confessed.  What's your favorite wine?

Yes, those Moms

We all know the different Moms of the carpool lane....

Vinegar Mama -  this one was probably running behind from the moment she woke up in the morning. As the minivan door opens, a few toys fall out of the car as she is screaming at her kids to "Get out."  The drive back home even with the kids out of the car carries a scowl that makes us think of sucking on lemons.

Hiding Mama - this is the one that after pulling in wearing her pajama pants and hair still pulled up, that she has to walk her child into school to sign a specific paper - how quickly she turns into vinegar Mama.

DoItAll Mama - this is the mama that followed the bus to the school to make sure Little Timmy made it safely.  She jumps out of the car to hand him his pinterest inspired homemake rocket lunchbox, complete with organic snacks in handmade reusable bags.  When she realized that he forgot the lunchbox on purpose to eat the cafeteria food, she also turns into Vinegar Mama.

NachoMama - the youngster that forgot she was a Mama.  She's still in the juicy shorts, with the half the booty hanging out.  The white fur Uggs on a 60 degree day completes the look.  The child walks into school in the same white fur Uggs, but luckily, juicy shorts are not allowed.

Bowya Mama - this is the Mama we wall hate - she's the one with the baby at home that's kept her up all night for 3 straight months and she still looks perfect.  We all turn into Vinegar Mamas when we look at her.

BabyBus Mama - this is the queen of the carpool, the belle of the bus, the master of the minivan.  She can herd 7 kids, bookbags, lunchboxes, and science projects into the van and hit the carpool line ON TIME.  Of course this is the one time when the van is rocking you can come a knockin.

Terminator Mama - this one has three different seat belts holding the child into the carseat, so many clicks that even the teacher meeting the kids can't get the car seat open.  The car is one encased in steel, and before anyone can touch the child in the back seat, hand sanitizer, glued to the side of the window and doused.

Yeehaw mama - dressed like Nacho Mama, wishing we looked like Bowya Mama, trying really hard to not be Vinegar Mama - we're the ones turning up the radio with a big smile of relief as we exit to our 6 hours of freedom.

What Mama would you add to the list?