WTF Spring Cleaning

The snow has melted, now I am confronted by the disaster of my house. You see, when the snow is on the ground there's always, "Let's go out for a few runs, I can clean up later."

Spring is here.

-----Insert sobs of despair right here.

Disclaimer: They are sobs not that ski season has ended, but now I actually HAVE TO CLEAN!

This year though, I am motivated. I started with telling the boys that they had to clutter clean their rooms. They look at me like, "What?" I say, "Go through your drawers and pull out anything you do not wear, our house is too small to hold onto anything."  (except my books and office supplies)

"Make three piles, the NOT SURE, CHARITY, and TRASH IT pile."

I come back downstairs, and there are three piles, larger than me in the middle of the downstairs floor.

Where did it all come from? Their rooms aren't big enough to hold that much shit.

What the hell am I going to do with it?

I ponder tossing a match into all three, not asking which is which and walking away.

Then I think, "I could leave the front door unlocked, posting a 'Rob Me' sign on the front door" adding, the piles are downstairs, oh, and take that pair of jeans that don't fit but I keep in case one day they finally will. Upstairs dresser, 3rd drawer down right hand side."

But we live on a pretty deserted road and I'm too lazy to post "Rob Me" adds on Craigslist, so I need better options:

Ditch the house, move out in the middle of the night? Wake up in a new town in a clean house alone?

Naw, ditch the house, move out making sure I take my box of wine under one arm and the dog under the other?

I could start in a new town, one that still has snow and is extending their season?

For some reason, I think I would miss them, there has to be another way.

Wait! I could sign us up for Hoarders, then someone else will clean my house and PAY ME to do it!  Why didn't I think of this earlier?

Sadly, we don't quality for Hoarders, I even showed them under my teenager's bed and they still turned me down!

My boys try that teenager reverse psychology on me, "You are the only on seeing this as a mess, look at it as art."

What?

I look at my wine box, thinking I could be part of the problem. I could drink a couple glasses of wine and miraculously, the piles of clothes would turn into leaf piles and we'd all have fun jumping into them?

Naw, I can't have my eyes removed, I lost my rose colored glasses, they are piles of stuff that need to go.

So I try a different approach on them,

"Listen, I think it is time to throw out everything that doesn't bring me joy." They look at me funny, I add,

"these massive piles of clothes, the three boxes of protein bars I will not eat, that bottle of Fireball,

Oh and maybe the Xbox and

TWO BOYS."

You'd be amazed at how quickly those piles of clothes disappeared.

But, wait, I have boys.

Where did they put them?

Oh look there's three massive piles of clothes hidden in the corner of the garage.

Here we go again.

Nothing like Epic Style Notes!

Sometimes you need a pick me up for your day.  I thought I would make myself feel better by listing the things of which I have talent:

Losing my phone - I seem to be very talented at this.  My phone's been left on the floor at a New Years Eve Party, thrown out of my pocket on a epic wipeout on a ski slope, taken by a baby and hidden under a couch, and now sits in a lock box in Salt Lake Airport until said manager returns to open said box.  You never know what phone numbers you DON'T have until you lose your phone.

Saying the wrong things at the right time - Sometimes it would be nice to have filters on my mind and my tongue, but then there would be no drama in my life.  This way I can keep things exciting as I dodge the blow of my brother in law for saying something.

Pointing out the Obvious - see definition above.  Standing, not realizing your husband is behind you saying, "I got that cute Abercrombie Shirt for my son on sale for 68.99."  He then has a fit and proceeds to explain that a: they are still growing why buy expensive stuff and, b: The Target one looks exactly the same and c: Don't get him used to expensive brands early, we can't afford it.

Staining - I have the affinity for white, and usually the first day I wear it I spill something like Balsamic Vinegar, or Texas Pete Hot sauce or Easter Egg dye.  Then I find out I am equally talented at not being able to get the stain out of my shirt.  I am also equally talented and accidentally dropping a new pair of jeans in with stained shirt so I can wear it again.

Falling with style - I fall.  Yes, I fall alot.  But I've made it such an art form I've heard guys yell, "TEN" by the side of a ski slope.  Other runners stepping over me by the side of the road.  Finally, I've won the  award for quickest get up off the ground/ego check on trail running.  If you are going to fall, then fall with style is what I say.

Asking Silly Questions - since most of my family members consider the uterus to be a homing device, I'm always asked there things are when lost.  One of my favorite answer is a question, "Where did you lose it?"

Selective Hearing - I am very good at looking directly at the person talking, looking enthusiastic, shaking my head, then repeating the last word of their sentence.  Even when I have no clue what they are talking about.  This condition steps up a notch in talent when talking about number..

Stalking - I'm a very good stalker on Facebook.  Boy am I glad that there isn't an app to see who's viewed your profile - I'd be in a lot of trouble.

Embarrassing my children - this requires a lot of work, because children are very sneaky to get away from Mom when their friends are around.  My saving grace is the carpool line where they have to wait outside with their friends, I can casually stick my head (with my cowboy hat) out the window and yell, "Come on little podna!  We've got some wrasteling to do."

Being Me - finally, it's easy to conform to what other people think you should see/do/be, but I'm much better at being me.  I'd rather be unique than be a clone.  As Abraham Lincoln once said on the internet, "Be yourself, everyone else is taken."

What would you add to the list?

She wore WHAT?

Here's a few tips for fashion over 40---

1.  I have yet to see a pair of white leggings that are not see through.  So if you don't have a see through kind of body, stick to the darker color leggings.

2.  It's OK to wear the baby doll or princess shirts when you are over 40 - people can look at your age and know exactly that you are not pregnant.

3.  Do not wear anything with any words like PINK or JUICE or anything else on your butt.  People your age can actually read and will read your butt.

4.  Push up bras were made for boobs that still had some type of perk to them, over 40 boobs will push up and fall out on a regular basis.  Make sure the bra looks realistic - no one wants to see your boobs touching your chin.

5.  Think twice about florals - you'll either look like a curtain or and old lady - the louder the print the more you'll see the sea of people parting for you.

6.  If you are wearing a thong, no one wants to know.  At your age it will scare most of your children's friends if they spy a "whale tail" coming out of your jeans.

7.  Your skirt length tells your style - too short = cougar, too long = grandma....just right above the knee so you can still show off the legs you've been working so hard on.

8.  Hip reading glasses - that makes being blind a little bit more manageable.

9.  Cute shoes - you can worry about your feet later.  If you don't have the clothes then blow them away with the shoes.

10.  Have fun with your clothing - it's more fun to dress up as the Chiquita Banana Lady to pickup your kids from school then the sweats and baseball hat.

11. Try it before you buy it - especially if it is on sale.  Nobody wants a hoochie mama skirt bought at 50% off that shows the bottom portion of your thong when you bend over.

Show your family that you haven't lost your sense of style in your extra layers of belly fat and dress like the fabulous forty something you are!

What would you add to the list?

The Mall - Whatever.....

Going to the mall is one of the biggest reminder of getting old.  There's a totally different culture at the mall, including a language I do not understand.

My son left his jacket in the changing room at Abercrombie & Fitch last week (yes, I know shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch=seriously!) so while he was in the skate shop for something else (yes, another UGH in the mothering realm) I went in to see if they found it.

"Umm, welcome to Abercrombie."  Size 0, short shorts, tight plaid shirt, hair in pig tails.

"Umm, thanks."  (I can't help myself) - Mom in yoga pants, flourescent yellow running shirt and running shoes, hair in face.

"Feel free to shop around."  (Really?  Feel free, nothing in here is FREE)

"My son left his jacket in the fitting room last week and I was wondering if you found it."

"Umm, I don't know."  Awkward silence.  Brain fires again, "You can ask the people at the register."

I walk back to the register - two more size 0 girls - one in jeggings, one in a skirt, obviously someone sent home the memo for tight polo shirt on budding boobies, atleast the hair was not in pig tails.

"Welcome to Abercrombie, how can we help you?"  Well, a little bit better.

"My son may have left his jacket in the dressing room last week, do you have a lost and found?"

"I don't know.  Let me check."  At least she's admitting it.

I watch her walk over to all of the dressing rooms and unlock them and check in them.  My brain was not moving at warp speed like hers because it took me a few minutes to realize that she was looking for a jacket left in the dressing room A WEEK AGO!  She comes back, "No, it's not there."

I take a deep breath - yes we Moms that wear yoga pants actually do yoga - "Can you check in the back perhaps - maybe someone found it in the dressing room last week and put it in the back."

She looks at me, "Oh, OK."

I am already writing off the jacket as a lost cause, knowing that either it sat in the dressing until someone finally said, "I guess this jacket lying on the floor is free, so I'll just take it."  Or some nice Abercrombie employee, not working that night, is wearing a really nice jacket.  Or the jacket is sitting in some nice box labeled "lost and found" but since I asked her to look in the back, that probably did not mean the "lost and found" box.

She comes back empty handed, why am I not surprised?  "I'm sorry, we don't have it in the back.  But our jackets are 60% off now."

Well, there is some hope for humanity.  She actually tried to sell me something.

Every had a great mall experience?