I think Elf on The Shelf is a Terrorist

Did you know that the Elf on the Shelf was the first Christmas Terrorist? Oh yeah, this creepy little guy is designed to keep kids GOOD during the holiday season (as if that could happen.)  What a great ruse to come into your household!

In case you are wondering, here's a list helping spot potential terrorists:

How to spot a terrorist

Number 1 - "Surveillance. Often a terrorist will gather information about a potential target during the planning stages of an attack."
The Elf appears in your home.  His job is to gather information about a potential target (you).    Don't you wonder what type of information he is reporting, and really, do we all really know who "Santa" is?  This "Santa" has been training Elves for years, what has he been teaching them?

Number 2 - Elicitation. Elicitation is the use of ordinary communications methods in order to gain information without being obvious about it.  Does anyone think it is creepy that the elf sits there gaining information by ordinary conversation, or "eavesdropping?"  

Number 3 - Tests of Security. Individuals or organizations planning terrorism will attempt to measure the capabilities of security apparatus.  He comes into your house, doesn't that test your security?  How does he get through all of our satellite security, across our borders and appear in your home?  He's been testing security for years!


Number 4 - Fundraising. In order to fund an attack, terrorists will seek financial resources.  I have noticed that when the Elf is in the house sometimes my wallet goes missing.  How do you think he afforded the Lego set he left for my son?

Number 5 - Acquiring supplies. Purchasing or stealing explosives, weapons, ammunition, or bomb-making materials is a sign of terrorists acquiring supplies.  For some reason the Elf appears and all the candy in the house starts disappearing.  Coincidence?  I think not!

Number 6 - Impersonation. Watch out for people who seem out of place.  An elf?  Dressed in red pajamas?  Sitting on your fireplace mantle?  Staring at you?  Could the Elf be part of some "sleeper" cell?

Number 7 - Rehearsal. Terrorists will often rehearse a pending attack ensuring that their operation will run smoothly.  That's why he appears year after year at our house, he's rehearsing for the big thing.

Number 8 - Deployment. Terrorists are arranging their assets, getting into position, or are in the midst of an attack. This is your last chance to alert the authorities before it’s too late.

This is why I am warning you.  Watch that creepy little fella, there's something fishy about him, especially when he has fooled the CIA in his cuteness so they are not watching his whereabouts during the Christmas season.  We know he is not from this country because of the Made In China sticker on his butt.

Dang, that little sucker moved last night and now I can't find him.

Passwords, smashwords!

Don't you love all of our cyber security on the Internet lately?

I may be dating myself but I remember the only password you ever needed was for your bank card.  THANK GOD, I wasn't around when there wasn't bank card passwords.

Then come the computers.  They just won't let us make it easy.

"I'm sorry, your password must contain a number."
-How do I include a number in ILoveTacos?  ILoveTacosI81?

Then they make it harder.
"I'm sorry, your password must contain a minimum of 8 characters, 1 number and 1 capital Letter."
-What?  Now do I change it to "ILove3TacosAL0t?"

So I've decided to change my passwords to one's that I will remember with some of these companies.

Duke Energy (really, is anyone going to hack in and PAY my bill) "DukeEnergy4U"



My bank - how about this one, "TakeAllMy$$"

The Cable Company, "UA**ReallySuK"

And I love this one, My Health Insurance Provider, "0-0ThtsMyBill?"

So I write all my passwords on a file names "Passwords" on my computer and I password protect it.  Then I forget where I filed it.  So I have to go down the computer's journey to regain my password.

****

Having fun with The Cable Company (again, why Fort Knox, will someone hack in and see that I watched Episode 5 of True Blood 8 times?)

"I'm sorry, would you like to reset your password?"

-why yes, I would.

"But first we must make sure you are not some Terrorist trying to pay Kelly Melang's cable bills."

-believe me, I'm not.

"What was the date of your first period?"
I stare at the computer screen.  What?  How do I know that?  I try calculating in my mind and guess a date.
"We're sorry would you like to try your other security question?"
-Why sure, I would.
"What is the name of your first pet?"
Hmmm, now I am stumped again.  Are they referring to when I was a kid and Taffy was my first dog? When I was in college, my first dog of my adult life, my first dog when I was married?  I'm sweating because I only have three chances to pay my cable bill and I'm thinking of 6 dogs.

So then I wonder, did I set this account up while I was drinking wine?  That could affect the password. Did I even setup this account?  What if the hubby did, shit, he has had over 12 dogs.  Maybe we just went with the kids names, they can be dogs sometimes.

I finally decide to go for it and as I go ahead and type in my password, my internet goes down due to non payment of the cable bill.

So I have to call and pay the bill.  I can't google the number because my internet is down.  I try several times on my phone to locate and call the number.

"Please enter your Cable Company Telephone password, this is different from your Internet password and will contain 13 characters, one digit, one special symbol and a strand of hair for verification."

Do you remember your passwords?