Another BIG tick on the odometer

I'm trying to decide if it sounds better to be "nifty" at 50 or fabulous at 50.  Nifty just sounds kind of dorky to me.

I now know the secret handshake, here's a few lessons learned on this ride:

Anything you really want to work, takes work.  Relationships, putting together that grill, to getting the story just right.  Roll up your sleeves and get to it, it's not getting done by itself.

Ask for help when you need it. Sometimes this can be humbling, but there are people wanting to help, letting go not only helps you but makes them feel good also.

Have a Partner in Crime.  Mine pulled a good one on me for my birthday, he's got so many "dude" points to my "chick" points.  I'm in the hole for a LONG time.

You are as old as you let yourself.  Seriously.  I don't feel my age.  Especially when I do something stupid and someone asks, "Are you 15?"

Admit your mistakes, then laugh about them.  Don't hold a grudge, it's a waste of time.

If you spend time being self conscious, you lose time having fun.  Go ahead and fart in that yoga class getting the pose right, sing that karaoke realizing you can't carry a tune, try that high dive out even if it gives you an enema when you land it wrong.

Use the AARP card.  It gets you discounts.  I'm heading over to McDonald's for my free Senior coffee.

Laughter is really the best medicine.  Try to do this every day.  Better yet, just laugh at yourself, that's the quickest and easiest way to accomplish this.

Having children is a hilarious, scary but unbelievable part of the journey.  Whether it is shaking my head, or trying not to kill them, or filling with pride, I'm so proud they are mine.

Share your journey.  I'm blessed with wide open friends and family, who don't say "Are you crazy" they simply say, "OK where do we start?"  Friends are like duct tape, they will either fix the problem, or tape its mouth shut.

I've now reached the age where wearing those "baby doll" flowing tops doesn't prompt someone asking if I am pregnant.  Comfort in clothing is now the key.

Everyone has cellulite, and if they don't then they are worrying about something else on their body.  Let it go.

The only space I can control in right around me.  Occupy that space.  Make it something special, crazy, and amazing.  It's the only space truly yours, work it hard.

Many thanks for all the birthday wishes, all my amazing family and friends that made the trip celebrating with me.  Here's to another fifty more.

I love you all.

OK, time to start planning.

You can't write 52 shitty stories - Do You Wanna Hide A Body?

You know you have a best friend when you're both contemplating what to do with a dead body.  Let's not get mired in the details of how we ended up with a dead body, let's just leave it to "Really?  We said don't touch our wine unless you ask us first."

"Do you wanna hide a body?" She asks.

 I nod, "Absolutely, I've watched plenty of CSI before, I am an expert at this."

"We need to do this quickly, dead bodies start to smell pretty quickly."  I look over to her, so she quickly adds, "That's what I read online, you know.  I don't have any direct experience."

"OK, you are right.  We can put the body in my son's room, while we figure out what to do.  The smell definitely won't be noticed there." I reply.

"What do you need?"  She asks.

"I guess the first thing needed is a blanket or a rug." I reply, scratching my chin, "One that is preferably big enough so nothing is hanging out."

I think a little longer.

"I've got it.  Let's use that hideous blanket my mother gave me when we got married.  This way if anyone notices it missing, the logical explanation is that I've always hated that rug, it was time for it to go.  Perfect excuse."  I say, excited that I can finally get rid of the monstrosity in my bedroom.

"We'll need a plastic bag or tarp or something," she adds, "Body fluids can be pretty messy."

"Messy?"  I ask.

"Yeah, remember putting Vicks Vaporub under our nose and spreading a tarp when changing a toddler's diaper?  I figure it's probably worse than that."  Her eyes furrow.

I remember those days, I remember smells and sights that brought me to my knees.  "God yes, I remember that.  Good idea.  I may have one in the garage."

She starts thinking again.  "We could make it look like a robbery.  That way if it is found then we are not suspects."

I think about this.  S"Take out all the money, don't forget the Costco card because I'm not paying for another year for a card just for wine specials."

"OK, we've got the plastic, we've made it look like robbery.  Where do we dump it?"  She asks.

"Throw it over the overpass.  That's where everyone dumps bodies in the movies.  Let's do the one on Shallowford Road." I suggest.

"Oh, that makes total sense, because that over pass is right over ROUTE 40!" She looks at me like I am an idiot.

"But if it is in that hideous rug, most of the cars will run from it.  I can see someone yelling, 'Harold, hit the gas, what if the ugliness of that rug rubs off on us!  Get away from it.' I'm laughing at this."  I say.

"Maybe the overpass is not such a good idea.  If you remember the movies, they always find a body when it's dumped.  We need something that makes the body more discreet."  I say, sad that I am stuck with the stupid rug for a little longer.

She starts thinking again.  "So the overpass thing probably isn't such a good idea, how about chopping it up, putting it in plastic bags?  I got several boxes of the XL Ziplock bags.  I found them on sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond."

We both pause, thinking about this.  The answer for that idea is obvious to the both of us. "But that's too much like cooking.  I don't feel like cooking tonight, do you?"  There's another pause as that idea bites the dust.

My friend brightens, "We could dissolve it in acid."

Our minds start turning.  This could be a plan.  "Acid, easier to get rid of, small manageable parts, we could just put it in the fridge in the back, everything back there looks like a science experiment."

We look at each other, chopping, finding some type of acid resistant container in our overflowing collection of Tupperware.  "How do we keep the family from peeking in the containers in the back?

"I know!  Put an expiration date of two days past today.  No one will touch it!"

Sounds like a great idea.  Common sense gets the better of us.

She looks at me, my stylish skirt, my new white shirt.

"We'd both look horrible in prison orange, it does not go with our hair." She says quietly.

"Too much work involved, anything that seems like housework or cooking is not worth the trouble.  Plus what do we do after they are gone?"  I add, looking over to the two in the kitchen.

"Funny, but I think we'd honestly miss them." She says as her husband turns and smiles at her holding up his beer.

"I can't believe they didn't pick up wine when they stopped to get beer. They'll never know how close they came to staring in the next Criminal Minds episode."  I say as I smile and wave back.

Things I Am Always Up For......

In this fast paced world, I thought I'd let you know a few things I am always up for:

Gifts.  Especially when those gifts include books.

Gifts of books I haven't read before.
Spending an hour browsing around the used book store followed by an adult beverage at the establishment of your choice.
Going back to that bookstore for another hour of browsing.

Sitting outside anywhere on a sunny day chewing the fat.  Translation: baring our souls or talking about others, which is usually the same thing.

Birdwatching.  Especially when I see them first.

Looking at you while holding a pose in yoga and trying to hold in a laugh, or a fart. Guess they are both pretty much the same.

Exchanging clothing, especially exercise gear, heat gear and snow clothes.  I will take care of yours, I promise.

A trip to the office supply store, specifically for pens or journals or both.

Running naked anywhere.  Did I just say that?

Beating you down the mountain on my skis, then bragging about it.

Making up names for people, usually involving some type of adult beverage.  Remember Smarty Pants, and Shaniqua, and Vinegar Woman, or "Friend who sucked on a tree full of lemons"?

Someone coming and cleaning my boys' bathroom (I have a gas mask in case you need it)

Watching corny romantic comedies with chocolate and popcorn (possible adult beverage)

Hiking down, standing next to a waterfall and breathing in the moist air.

Artsy coffee mugs, or funny ones, as long as they are large.

Book Club.

So, if you are bored, or want a good laugh, or just need some company, you know where to find me.  Usually holding in a fart or laughing, which is usually the same thing.

What Not To Do On Your First Day At The Resort

There are ways to learn how to ski, then there are ways to NOT learn how to ski.  Let's go over a few basics.

1.  Don't listen to your friends on your first day of skiing.  Remember these are the same friends that provide a multitude of entertainment with several "Hey, Watch This!" moments during the course of your lifetime.

They will say, "Let's just take the lift to the top, you'll figure it out on the way down."

You will then provide a hilarious moment for them as they say, "Hey watch this" and push you down the mountain.


2.  Be careful of borrowed ski gear.  Know your options.  Sometimes it is better to just pay the nominal rental fee for your gear than showing up at the slopes in the 1980's fartbag onezie with skis close to 6 feet long for your 5 foot frame. Rule of thumb, if it doesn't fit, the ground you'll hit.  Prepare for a day of fun with the right gear.

3.  Find your bearings at the resort.  Your friends will try again to trick you.  "Oh this is the lift you need to get on, this one here."  If you are asking the attendant if you need to put your skis on before riding the lift then you shouldn't be on any lift at the resort.  You should be in a lesson.  Of course, always know exactly where the necessities are - the bar, the restroom and food.

4.  Contracting a lesson is worth it.  Having a professional teach you that "pizza" and "french fries" are not fast food terms starts your slope side day on the right foot (or with both feet doing what they are supposed to do, not doing something that ends with a "Get Out of my way!"), remember learning how to stop does have its benefits.  You can then watch your friends who decided against that lesson screech by you with a silent scream on their lips before spectacularly wiping out.  Sidetone:  Getting lesson is best for everyone in your party.  Those who know how to ski get an hour of fun, and when you meet up with them you know what you are doing.

5.  There is no "One more run."  This translates into the "Hey watch this" type moment.  If your legs are tired, it is time to call it a day.  Be careful of the friends that want to end a day on the snow with "Let's race down the black diamond and see who hits the bottom first."  Did you notice your friend used the term "hits?"  There is a reason.

6.  Apres Ski is always better with friends.  Not just the friends you brought with you, but the new friends you'll meet at the bar.  Everything's easier when there's a beer in hand.  Just make sure you hand someone your skis and tell them NOT to give them back to you.

There is a right way for a day on the snow and there is your friend's way.  Remember, sometimes it is better to be a leader than a follower when it comes to learning something new.  You'll thank yourself as you are picking up your friends from the ER.

What would you add?

Hey! It's FREAKIN FALL!

I go over to a friends place and man, oh man, she is ready for the season.

Her house screams, "In case you didn't know it, it's Freakin FALL!"

I'm looking around like, "I know!  Really?"

So I trip over the fake hay bale and fall into four pumpkins she's purchased for the season and along with the 6 hardy mums creating her monument to autumn on the front steps.  Should I explain that it's still close to 80 degrees during the day and that those pumpkins will either be rotten or squirrel food way before Halloween hits?  And everyone knows she doesn't live on a farm, so why the hay bale?  Especially with the fake scarecrow, the only thing that's scaring is the chipmunks and squirrels tempted by the rotting pumpkin.

Of course, she should have made it more authentic with a bunch of cobwebs from my house complete with the spider jumping out at you and scaring the shit out of you.


Is that pumpkin spice candles that I smell as I walk through the door?

There is a huge basket sitting on her dining room table, I'm not sure if she went and stole it out of her grandma's attic or hit the thrift store on that one.  The addition of gourds scream, "Guess what?  It's Freakin Fall!"  This makes me wonder, who in the world actually knows what a cornucopia is and to a larger point, who really cares.

Not only is it the basket of gourds, but there's a few stray gourds that are strategically placed in 90 degree angles of the basket with faces already carved on them!  This says, "yeah, it's fall and I have the jump on Halloween.  How Fall am I?"

She brought in some leaves from the backyard and had a party on the table, probably throwing them up in the air screaming, "Open and ready for fall!"

The sign on her wall lists all the reasons she loves fall.  Including "sitting under a blanket with a warm cup of cocoa and a good book."  Obviously she forgot she had kids, because with kids this never happens.

We're served pumpkin muffins, with Pumpkin Spiced Coffee and just to make me happy a little "apple brandy" added to the coffee, helping make all the decorations look that spectacular!

All I can think is, "Well we are another step closer to the first snowfall, when she'll have to haul all this crap away and get out the, 'Oh crap, it's actually winter' decorations."

My monument to fall?  The leftover cobwebs from summer along with a flag stuck in the front yard stating "It's Fall Ya'll."

Winning.

WTF - Happy Birthday Facebook!

Happy 10th Birthday  Crackbook!  Here's a weekly WTF on our Favorite Social Media People.

Political Polly - you know what, I don't care.  We will never agree.  You will never sway me.  Post puppy pictures.

Debbie Downers - Sure life is hard.  Isn't that the way it is supposed to be?  Post cute kitten pictures.

ALLEN CAPS LOCK - seriously, stop yelling at us.  YES, YOU ARE YELLING!

Farmville Frannie - have you seen my backyard?  I'll look at pictures of puppies on a farm anyway.

Suzie Selfie - once a day?  I am lucky enough to remember sugar in my coffee once a day.

Tommy TMI - I am sorry you children have lice.  I do not need to see a picture of it.  Ever.  They are not puppies.

Maxine MySpace - you are so 32 seconds ago - come into the 20th century!  There's puppies here.

Harold Hijacker - listen when the status updates is about puppies, now is not the time to talk about the unemployment rate.  Unless it is unemployed puppies.

Sharable Sharon - I get so inspired by all the quotes you share every morning, said no. one. ever.

THAT family - I never knew Heaven created a family like yours.  We're busy looking at puppies.

So you have those annoying people on Facebook that beg you to HIDe them?  You know what, I did and you should see all the cute pictures of puppies in my news feed.

Who would you add?

Did you read that status update? What?

To all those great fans of my page and friends of mine, here's a few Facebook etiquette for you:

10.  If you are posting religious or political posts - you're offending half of your friends while pissing off the rest of them.  Arguments?  That's for text messaging, not for the world.

9.  Facebook is your link to the world.  The world does not need to know, "Carol, you need to call me about my bunions."  That should be in a personal, yes a PERSONAL message.

8.  Seriously, if someone posts on Facebook that their dog just died, do not LIKE IT.  And if someone asks a question like, "What's your favorite color?" ANSWER the question rather than LIKING it.

7.  I know you really need your coins in Bejeweled Blitz, but please do not send me app requests to increase your coin count.  a.  I will not reply and b. I really don't care how many coins you need.

6.  We don't need "Vaguebooking," putting up a status update that is so vague that everyone goes WTF?  Case in point, what I just red, "After today, I'm beginning to wonder if it is all worth it."

5.  Your CAPS LOCK button means you are YELLING!  We can understand when the button gets stuck once, but continual CAPS LOCK MEAN YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANGER ISSUES TO DEAL WITH.

4.  Oversharing - there is such a things as TMI - too much information.  The picture of the chopped off finger (not good around breakfast time) and this status update I actually read, "Note to self: Thongs don't work with wrap around dresses."

3.  Stalkommenting - It's OK to stalk someone, many of us feel slightly flattered.  But commenting on every single thing we post - not cool.

2.  Don't make me like anything with a "If you are a dog person, like this status.  If you are a cat person, comment."  Believe me, I will do neither.

1.  You don't have to be everyone in the world's friend.  Sometimes it's OK to ignore the request from Piggly Wiggly Patty if you really don't know who she is.  And Debbie Downer - she'll never know if you unfriend her.  Keep your Facebook less stressful by keeping your real friends close.

This one is for my REAL girlfriends

If you are not a close friend, then stop reading now. I don't want to scar those that don't know me well.  This is for my close girl friends - My Plan Z.

Plan Z - definition please - if anything happens to me, and there is the possibility I MAY not make it, here's the stuff I need you to get out of my house.

There's several folders on my computer I want you to delete - Adam Levine, Fast and Furious, Yummy and Webcam photos - don't ask questions just delete them.

On my book shelf there's a book called "Poetry,"  I should have named it "Bad Poetry," because that's what it is, burn it.

The right hand drawer by my bed, take the whole thing and throw it in the neighbors trash.  That way if the can blows over in the wind, they will be look at as the derelicts not me.

Boudoir Photos - sure they were done when I actually had a body, but you know if they get on Facebook or worse put out at my wake, that cannot happen.  They are bottom bookshelf, behind the family bible.

The coconut bra - it's in my underwear drawer - you can have that one.

Finally, Make sure you make a copy of the folder blackmail pictures before Wolf or Max gets to it.  Jeff may need these to keep them in line during the highschool years or to give to the press when they become President and Vice President.

Thanks, what's your Plan Z for your girlfriends.  If life doesn't teach you anything, it screams it's short and definitely unpredictable.

Decisions, Decisions.....

In the age of social media, we've become sticklers on what we do.  Have you found yourself: 

10.  Looking a picture from all angles, making sure your butt doesn't look big BEFORE posting it to Facebook?

9.  Agonizing over which recipe to pin to your Pinterest page because you want everyone else to think you actually cook this shit.

8.  Looking over your shoulder when you are stalking someone on Facebook to make sure they are not standing there stalking you.

7.  Getting comment from someone then stalking them a little bit to figure out who they are and how you know them.

6.  Trying to pick the perfect picture to Pin to Pinterest and checking the post to Facebook link, you have to look smart, sexy and capable to your Facebook following.

5.  Unfriending a few pages because you never realized until now that your child is behind you looking over your shoulder when you are checking your social media accounts.  #awkward

4.  You loose all self esteem when Facebook thinks you are a knee with facial recognition.

3.  Thinking that you need to sound like Pollyanna because everyone else is doing it.  "I love my husband so much that even when he's in the bathroom pooping, I miss him.  He's been in there way too long.  And he's such a great guy, when will he come out so we can snuggle on the couch together?"

2.  Stealing someone else's Pinterest Pin and passing it off as your own because your attempt at the Kit Kat Lasagna looked like crap.

1.  Want to scream out there into cyberspace - "Hey, I'm am freakin hilarious, will you please show me some love?  At least like that very funny post - just like it.  Do you hear me?"

Best Left Unsaid.....

Ever had a day where you'd like to say what's on your mind?

To People:

To the guy behind the counter with the dreds:  Yes, I did take 3 extra Splenda for my purse!  I just paid $5 bucks for a cup of coffee!  This is for the cup of coffee at the organic, wholesome, earth sustaining, natural coffee shop.  I can't do the stevia, agave, coconut oil, from the dung of a cow sweeteners they have, so I'll sneak in a Splenda and call it a day.  And you saved a 1/2 inch patch of the rainforest.

To the tiny little instructor at the YMCA - No, I cannot do that pose, my body will not bend like that.  I've given birth twice  and things have moved around.  They like where they are, they don't want me to try and move them back.  Can I just watch?

To the CheckOut Guy at the Natural Foods Store - Yes, I FORGOT my earth sustaining, reusable shopping bags AGAIN!  No, I don't want to buy more, I've spent more on those, my collection at home would make Whole Foods very happy.  Don't say a word and put it in paper please.

To the Lady in the Clothing Store - will someone please explain to me the sizing structure, because my usual size is feeling like a sausage casing right now.  Oh, these are the skinny jeans?  Well, please make the print a little bigger because I can't see that on the label, now help me get these off.

To The Gynie - How do you do it?

To the Nail Salon Lady - Thank God you do it!

To your better half 

On Trying to Look Good:  Do not say a word, seriously, don't say anything.  I'm wearing the slimming bodysuit for our night out and I can't breathe.  I am not responsible for what I say if my lack of oxygen makes me delirious.  Now, pour me a glass of wine.

On why you are going to bed - No, it is not business time.

To The Dog:

On Laundry - What is so delectable about the crotch of my underwear?  Don't even think about coming over to lick my cheek with your tongue.

On Going For A Walk - can you really smell the same pile of dung every day?  What is it telling you, its life story?

To The Children:  

On Time Out - Can't you be quiet for just 5 minutes?  Can you stop following me around the house all day constantly talking?  Can't you do it?  Just once?

On Short Order Cook - No, I don't feel like making you breakfast, I think you are capable enough to open a box of cereal and pour it into a bowl.  Oh, you want bacon and eggs?  When did we hire a short order cook and where is he?

On Maid Service - Don't you smell that?  Seriously?  Don't you smell that towel that's molding on the floor next to your bed?  It sort of smells like your feet!

To Your Friends:

On Facebook Status Update - Ya'll think you're funny.  Read this, now this is funny.  You'd better like it and comment, otherwise I'm not going to share any of your brilliant posts.

On Email - What?  I just said, "Don't worry about the sex trap?"  I meant to say, "Did you get the six pack?"  Stupid autocorrect.

At The Gym - Don't wear that workout wear.  Standing next to you it makes me look far, I mean, fat, stupid autocorrect.

Race Day Report = Game Face

First race in a series called Race The Bar, different bars around Greensboro and Winston, increasing distances with each race - but time with friends and free beer at the end! So I came with friends, everyone looking at each other saying, "Oh yeah, I'm here for the free beer at the end, nothing big."

Didn't help the sun decided to come out right as the race started and with 100% humidity and 80 degrees yours truly was VERY happy (NOT) but I stood at the starting line looking around thinking, "Hmmm, I came to have fun, who am I kidding, I came to kick some asphalt and now I'm rethinking my plan because there are a lot of really fit looking people here!"  Did it help I ate a pound of twizzlers pre race as a sugar fix - same said candy now sitting like a rock in my stomach.  Walking to the starting line, there's a guy IN NEON, standing behind a tree peeing - really?

I quietly draw my group of friends to the front of the pack, where all the speedy people start and get out my headphones.  Some are saying, "If it's hills, I'm not doing well, others - it's so hot right now."  I'm thinking, "The sooner I get this over the better, let's just get the show on the road."

Making the same mistake I make in every 5K, as the gun goes off I start out WAY too quick, the twizzlers now tapping at the back of my throat.  I pay for that fast start with a very difficult mile 2, the sun beating on my head, heat radiating from the asphalt under my feet.  By mile 2.5 I'm thinking, "I really could walk this, my mind kicks in and says, "If you're not giving it your all, then you don't need to be here." I throw water in my face and on my head at the water stop and feel better.   I am very excited about the downhill and as I finally hit my stride, it's OVER!"

I was over 25 minutes, and once the nausea was gone, ready for the free beer.  I hang with friends laughing about my 67th place finish until I hear my name called as 1st place Masters Female!  We are all surprised as everyone in the group places in age groups and we're all holding victory pints!  Later when checking the results, I see I won by 32 seconds - had I stopped AT ALL I'd be in second place.  My friends say they thought about running but all of us in a line seeing each other continuing to run kept the momentum!  Next race is in May.

So sure the race sucked, it was hot, it was humid but we are all winners!  Staying the course and putting everything in to it is what makes racing FUN and EXCITING!  Do you give it your all?  Oh and neon guy, I think I beat him too!

How to be a good friend.....

There are a few simple steps to being a good friend:

1.  Be there, make time for your friends.  Life can be busy with many things going on in the family, which can swallow up your precious time.  Take that time for friends because that is also time for yourself.  This time moves you away from being "so and so's Mom" and to being a woman and a friend again.  You'll find that even if it's just an hour a week that that hour becomes so precious that you schedule your family time around it.

2.  Let your friends know that you care.  If the snowy days of winter have you yearning to become a hermit, use that time to network in cyberspace with friends.  A quick note or a small chat and they know that you are there AND you are thinking of them.  It doesn't take long but the ripple effect is tremendous!

3.  Shut up!  No, I'm not being mean, but just shut up and listen as your friends speak.  This can be difficult because as women, we're always trying to fix everything, but think about the times you need to talk.  You need to talk, so when it's your friend's turn, listen and let them talk.  Watch as they purge what's on their mind then begin to actually relax and enjoy the company!  Taking that time is saying, "you matter, I'm listening, I'm there for you."

Simple steps to establish your friendships forever.  These are the people when kids move off and go to college and start their own lives that will be there to listen when you need someone.  Take the time today and enjoy the benefits through your lifetime.  Now pick up the phone and call that friend!