We need these holidays!!!

Special holidays that we like to celebrate:

Mother's Day Period - this once a month holiday starts with the Feast of Chocolate and ends with the Pouring of the Wine.  It is marked with the wearing of the Spankx during the parade of complaining.

Feast of the Go to Your Room - this holiday happens the second day of Spring Break.  Included with this holiday is the Go to Bed Without Dinner Fast and some countries handcuff or tie brothers together in celebration.


National Science Fair Marathon - this is a Spring holiday.  Starting on a Sunday night and running through 6am Wednesday morning.  The start of the holiday is when the the child remembers 8pm Sunday night that their Science Fair project is due the next morning.  Parent and child go four days without sleep culminating with the feast of the Triptich involving glue, glitter and vodka.

SpringTime Slimfest Fast - this holiday period begins early May marked by the first bikini commercial.  Many women mark the fast with the purchase of Nair, prozac and Slimfast.  It has roots  back to ancient times, when the virgin with the most weight was thrown in the well to satisfy the Gods, making women lose weight prior to the holiday to save their lives.  Now, women lose weight not to save their lives but to save their waistline.  Or to not be mistaken for beached whales in bikinis when not observing the holiday..

Summer Break Holiday - this holiday runs from June through August.  Many local children rub their faces with as much sugar as possible and wear a dumb look on their face signally the atrophy of the brains from lack of use.  Computer manufacturers mark the holiday with several new downloadable games at three easy payments of 3.99 while most liquor stores see a run on tequila and limes rather than wine and vodka.

Eclipse of the Children's Room - this event happens when the floor of the children's room becomes completely obscured either by the passing of clothing from drawers to the floor, or the number of towels from the bathroom.  A total eclipse of the floor happens when the mother peeks into the room, then slowly shuts the bedroom door.

And finally,

Mother's Day - originally the shortest holiday of the year, commencing once a child is born then ending 5 minutes later when the cord is cut.  The holiday now is one day a year and consists of the burning of the toast, the coffee surprise and the bed marathon.  the secret behind a successful Mothers Day is the little known sub holiday called The Five Minuter, 5 minutes of time alone in the bathroom with the door locked!!