Dear Tinder User

With a single girlfriend, she showed me her Tinder profile, just to have a little lookee around and of course, like most of the female population of the world I was blinded.

Here's a few suggestions for the Tinder users:

1.  Pictures of you with the Hooter girls.  Guess what, that doesn't work!  I know you go to Hooters because of their special "Fish Sandwich" (which I heard is the bomb) but don't let us know on Tinder.  Maybe I'll see if there are girls on there with pictures at Big Peckers (which is an actual restaurant.)

2.  Pictures with the pals - I know you want to come across as a fun guy, but the pictures of you with your pals confuses us.  Which one is Gary, age 31 of Welcome, NC?  What if I pick the wrong one then get the surprise of my life?

3.  Pictures with your Mom - I know you are presenting a "softer" side but a Momma's Boy?  Really? We, as girls, can put pictures of us with our Moms because we're showing you what we will look like in 30 years.  Hot!  You are using Tinder to find the perfect mate right?

4.  Puppies.  Puppies are used to lure strangers into cars, not girls to calling you on Tinder.  That being said,  we do say, "Aww look at those puppies" before we pass you by.

5.  Guns and Amo - Maybe this appeals to some, but holding the dead deer with the AK47 is not really a turn on.  Makes me think I may be stepping into a Criminal Minds episode.  Think, what type of female are you attracting, especially if you break up after one date (another Criminal Minds episode comes to mind.)

6.  Just your abs - OK, my first thought is that this is possible false advertising.  If he just showing his six pack bare perfect abs, then what does his face look like?

7.  Just your guns.  The gun thing was discussed above, this time I am talking about your biceps, again, I go back to the same thing, if you are not showing your face, there is a reason.  And I am not going to find out that reason!

8.  Pictures of you in your bedroom.  Especially if it is messy.

9.  Sunglasses.  I know that Dale looked cool in the shades, but on Tinder we are looking for the full package.  Is there a black eye behind those glasses, was it from the hands of your girlfriend?  Wait a minute, you have a girlfriend?  Why are you on Tinder?  Pass.

So if you need help finding your sole, I mean soul mate, I can help.  I didn't find my mate on Tinder, but he certainly is a good catch!

I Feel Young - Muddy Creek Cafe

I had the pleasure of attending a music show at Muddy Creek Cafe tonight.  Granted it was billed as "Old Time Music" so I was thinking blue grass maybe a little folk.  This was "Old Timer" music.

I show up and immediately felt like that first day of High School.  Everyone sitting had already been at the rodeo of life for quite some time and most were looking at me saying, "Well, lookee here what's she doing at our party?  Should we stuff her in the trash can??"

The audience of this party was beyond the start of AARP and well into the Reverse Mortgage kind of time.  There were blue hairs, there were white hairs, then there were the covered up hairs - me!  They watched as I decided against the prune juice and went for a bottle of beer.  Not only was I totally out of my element, but my two boys I brought with me were looking at me like, "IS IT TIME TO LEAVE?"

But we sat and got an education on the music of the night.  All three muscians were over 70 years old and decided to form a band.  My decision to take up twerking at my 21 years of age means I've got plenty of time to perfect it.  We had the banjo, guitar player, the singer and the harmonica player.  We sat and sang with them to The Circle Be UnBroken, Folsom Prison Blues and These Boots are Made for Walking.  We got the feeling that they had groupies - and that most came aboard that Countrywide Retirement bus sitting in the parking lot.

The kids hid inside playing video games knowing that this was their invisible shield against old folks, do something they wouldn't understand and they will leave you alone.  When they finished with God Bless America, everyone stood and put their hand on their heart and we all sang it together.  What started as "this is strange" to "oh my goodness, this is why I love where I live, where we can all stand and sing this and enjoy it."

Of course, I yelled "one more song" and they looked at me like I commanded them, simply saying "OK."  When the last song was done, I thought again of the Who Concert, the exodus was so quick and deliberate that I had to jump out of the way of Sylvia and her walker.


I left with a new realization, and I'm sorry my friends this means you, I'm dumping my friends for this crew.  Not only will they make me feel better about my age, but they make me want to stand up and sing and not care what anyone else thinks!

The old songs group will be back at Muddy Creek on Thursdays - if you want to expand your minds and your vocal cords stop by and experience.

Welcome to the new Health Care, pull up a seat!

I'm not bashing any of the left or right ways of doing healthcare, I'm just documenting my experience today for a good laugh.

Bless me father, for I have sinned.  It has been 2 years since my last physical.  No, let me tell the truth the reason I scheduled this one was I was losing my mind and gaining around my midsection - alot.




It had to be my thyroid.

So I scheduled my appointment 1 month in advance, because that's how busy my doctor is, or is it how busy he wants me to see?  I arrive, ON TIME, and check in for my appointment.

I think that all doctors set up waiting rooms to scare patients away so they don't have to treat them.  They stick you in a tiny room with a bunch of sick people, hidden cameras, laughing wondering when you are going to crack and just leave.

Me?  I was a trooper.  I'd made the appointment in advance, so I was going to keep it - no matter what. I quickly sidestepped the person coming up the stairs trying desperately to sneeze in my face.  I felt the mist of their germs go by my face as I tucked and rolled over to my area of the waiting room.

In the doctor's waiting room there are two types of people.  The ones that want to be there and spend that quality time with the doctor (hypochondriac) and those that are just freaky.  You know them, the little kids that sit across from you in the waiting room and stare at you.  Until finally you can't take it and look at them and say, "WHAT?"  It is a given that nobody talks in the waiting room because if you tell someone your illness, ThEY MAY ACTUALLY GET IT!  Then out of all the available seats in the waiting room, the really sick person comes to sit right next to you, trying to make you feel better by looking at you with sad eyes, the mask on them covering their welcoming smile.  Yes, no one, not a single person understands personal space.

If you don't feel strange in a doctor's office, then the questions on the "get to know you" form should help.

Do you have loose bowels?
Is some one hitting you now?
Do you feel uncomfortable at home?
What are you allergic to?

It's easy to answer those:

Do you have loose bowels?  Loose vowels - yes, but loose bowels - no.
Is some one hitting you now?  Uh, hitting on me or hitting me because to both - no.
Do you feel uncomfortable at home?  Have you seen my home?  Uh, yes so send the housekeeper over.
What are you allergic to?  Dust but it hasn't made me clean yet!

So after 45 minutes of keeping myself out of Ebola woman's way, I am finally called back for my examination.  Or so I thought.

I walk back and they start with the army's way of breaking us down.

"Let's get your weight."  I step on the scale, she yells the weight out, I follow her yelling by yelling, "This is with my shoes on!"

Then she takes my height, looks at my chart, then at me and mutters, "Well we seem to be shrinking."  I look at her, "Well you could have let me keep my heels on!"

Then they take a note from Disney.  They take you to a room, make you feel that the doctor will be there any minute, give you the see through pieces of paper to wear as gowns and take a few vital signs.

"Blood pressure looks good."
"Heart rate is excellent."
"Do you smoke?  No!  Good."
"Do you drink alcohol?"  Very long pause.  "Ok, let me note that down.
"Do you take illegal drugs?  what?  Oh the alcohol takes care of that?  Let me note that down."
"Do you have to go to the bathroom?  No, not to flush your illegal drugs?  Because we need a urine sample."

She then leaves me in the room.  So how does the doctor think like Disney?  They make you wait in a room with people you don't know.  Then they give you the false hope that you are going back and actually getting you somewhere.  Then they put in a place you can't get out of - like a snaking line that you didn't realize continued around the corner, in this case it is the paper gown lying naked on the table.  So you are stuck.

Naked.

Wondering how long you will wait.

In my case another 45 minutes.  I fell asleep on the table, in the PAPER GOWN, that's how long I waited.  I woke up drooling on the paper table, the paper gown open all my paper insides in the glorious to see, but alas, no doctor.

When he finally came in, he didn't look like Prince Charming, he didn't even look like Johnny Depp, just my doctor going through the motions.

"Well at your age these types of changes in your body are normal."
"Oh, these are the beginnings of those black spots you see on old people, don't worry they are hereditary."
*chuckle* "Yes, let me order some bloodwork for your thyroid, but at your age you may want to think about cutting back on the carbohydrates." (was he making a drinking symbol with his hand?)

My visit with the doctor lasts 20 minutes.  The passing out when they took the blood for tests another 30 minutes, but once I got out of there I felt like a million bucks.

There is no way that anyone sick could last that long in a doctor's office.  No way.