WTF Mother's Day Gift Idea - The "V" Steam

At a loss on what Mom wants?  Trying to do something different?

Groupon is offering a discount on the "V" Steam.  Yes, that's right.  Steam out the vijigi or "steam clean the cat?"

What a wonderful idea?  Why would Mom like this?

Much of the time is spent naked, sitting on what looks like a very comfortable toilet seat, the opening designed to shoot perfumed (OK, essential oils  and "medicinal herbs" are better than Febreeze) up through those nether parts that usually don't see the sun.

Since most Moms have no problem with walking around naked, it is more relaxing not having children walking in asking questions, which makes this spa PERFECT.  In this spa you wear a plastic cape, no, not the Wonder Woman kind, the hairdresser kind, sitting on a glorified toilet seat.

The toilet seat, according to my research is much like grandma's.  Remember those lovely vinyl padded ones, that were so comfortable sitting on, until the rip in the vinyl pinched your ass?  Well there are no rips, and of course, the air in the spa does not smell like the Lysol of grandma's house but the essential oils and "medicinal" herbs for your vagina steam.

Now sit and spread your legs as far apart as you want to (did a man write this?) enjoying the steam,  coming up through the hole, cleansing that little kitty cat.  Need more steam?  Just tell the attendant.  Or as my grandma would say, "Honey, I can't feel a thing, put that baby on high."  Or better yet, my great aunt once asked the gynie if he found a college ring up there, let's hope nothing falls out if your legs are so far apart.

At the very end, you're supposed to put the cape over your head and breath in the glorifying steam for total relaxation.  Something in my mind wonders if it is traveling up through there, do I want to breathe it?   If you get too hot, I mean, really? There is steam coming out of your vagina, the attendant can cool you off with a fan.  Does that include hot flashes?  And if the fan has blades, well, I guess I am not going to go there.

Finally I am told you feel squeaky clean.  After a trip to the "V" spa do you act like you've been to the hairdresser.  The usual line something like, "Look but do not touch, I just had my V did and I don't want to mess it up."

Would you ever go to a "V" spa, because if you'd like to, there's a coupon sitting on Groupon.

WTF - You Named Yours That?

Readers beware - this post contains words such as penis and vagina.  Oh wait, I think I was trying to say it was PG-13.  Maybe because it contains the words penis and vagina.

Everyone has special names in their lives.

Our significant other can be our "Pookey Bear," or "Smoochie Pants."

Makes me wonder if the trend of naming that Thang (you know THAT thang, down there Smoochie Pants) is still in full force.

Don't get me wrong.  We had our pet names for IT.  Something we used and laughed about in the early days of dating and marriage.  Then we simply stopped using them, or maybe forgot about them.

Secretly I think childbirth makes parents look at all of that plumbing in a different way.  How can you still call that part that created half of the miracle screaming in the crib My Dingaling? Or The One Eyed Wonder Muscle?  Plus as parents some of us even use funny names for our child's parts as they grow up (Hoo Hah, Tinkleman, Penis.)  Finally, with changing diapers and looking at that stuff all day - it kind of takes away the fun of MR. Fancy Pants.  When Mom and Dad hit the sack (and not for sleep) they usually don't go for the cuteness of, ""Is Mr. Fancy Pants ready for some Loosey Goosey to come and visit?"

So in homage to all those out there, I took a silent poll of friends asking if they still, well, you know, have a name.  Surprisingly all said YES!  And some shared:  (Disclaimer, in no way does any of these names resemble anyone I know willingly or unwilling.  And not a single one is MINE!)

No, I am not talking about the fur burger or baby cannon, the kidney poker, or joy stick.  I'm talking about real names!

His:  Mr. Rogers   Hers:  Kitty Kat

His:  Pelvis   Hers:  Pussilla

His:  O'Toole   Hers:  O'Hare

His:  Dickey  Hers:  Honey

His:  Lord Voldemort   Hers:  Hermoine

His:  Skinny   Hers:  Hairy

His:  Moonshine   Hers:  CuntryPie

If you don't have a name and decide you can always go with movie names to get a good laugh.  Some of my girlfriends had me in stitches:

No Country for Old Men
The Abyss
The Never Ending Story
Taken
 Of course, Take 2

Now for the guys:  (disclaimer, this my girlfriends list)

GoldFinger
Lethal Weapon
The Hobbit
Easy Rider
The Never Ending Story

and we all laughed on:  Gone in 60 Seconds

So lighten up and have some fun.  Really, get back to those days when you used to chase each other around the house saying "Mr. HooHah has a story to tell Starshine!"  But of course make sure the kids are either a:  Asleep or B: at a friends because That Grey Area is not responsible for any therapy bills resulting from the above story.

I am getting old - Vajazzle?

Sometimes you are taught things that stick with you, or should I say stick on you.  Today I learned about Vajazzle - and I thought you, dear readers could help me process this information.

Vajazzle,  definition please.

Vajazzle, a new form of body art where decorative jewels are fastened to the vagina.  So here's where I'm a little stuck----pun intented.

How are the beads stuck to the vagina.  Are they super glued and therefore have a short shelf life, or are they permanently attached, where your beautiful butterfly vajazzle turns into a hawk with a fish hanging from its beak due to gravity?

Are the beads smooth?  If they are real jewels, with values and edges, then do they get stuck on stuff?  What if you have to go to the bathroom really bad and your panties are stuck on a vajazzle---do you rip them or rip, well......

And what about the fun we like to have, not just vajazzling?  Will it cut you?  Will it cut them?  What if a bead falls off during the process, if it has value - who gets to keep it?

I am assuming from the pictures I've seen, vajazzling requires no hair.  Wouldn't it be cool to create a fairy vajazzle, where the jewels are little fairies peeking out of the bushes?

If you are smooth as a baby's bottom for your vajazzling session - how do you stay smooth?  Tweezers?

What about the single girl and the vajazzle?  How do you explain that to the new man in your life, "Prepare to be dazzled!"  I can only imagine the look on his face on your wedding night when he sees your vajazzle of black and white "Just Married!"

I so enjoy my time at the OB, so much so that I think I need to spend a few hours with someone I don't know staring intently at my hoohee holding tiny little jewels?  Yes, that will make me very comfortable.

How did they come up with vajazzling.  Did someone look at their bedazzle kit, naked, then look at their vagina and think, "I need to staple a few of these beads there, wouldn't THAT be FUN?"

When these exciting new trends surface, they remind me that I am getting old.  Old because my vagina looks pretty good as is, I don't need to vaginercize it into shape, nor do I need to vajazzle covering up a few wrinkles.  I am lucky to have a great man in my life that thinks my personality sparkles enough.

But I can't help but think, what's next boobazzle?

Tittazzling?