Guys - What NOT to do for Valentine's Day

As you've probably become aware, Valentine's Day is just a few days away.  If you've been getting the hints from your significant others, you better get on the stick and do it now.  Here's a few hints of what NOT to do for your significant other.

Hooker Lingerie - I know you think that this is the perfect gift for both you and her but if she hasn't dressed up for you as a hooker then don't buy it.  The same is true with the value pack of white cotton Granny Panties.

Any appliance  - especially one she didn't ask for.  You will lose all man points even if you paid extra to have it installed by a Chippendale dancer.

Fixer Uppers - Don't let the lady behind the counter fool you, she does not want the Anti Wrinkle Cream for Valentine's Day - even if you're thinking she'll love even more that you shelled out $65 for a 6oz bottle.

Spanx - She needs to buy the slimming wear, you don't.  You're not supposed to notice she needs the slimming wear.

Potted plant - sure it's a living present, but honestly, if there are children in the household, how long will it live.  If you have to go with the living present, get the Chippendale guy as a singing telegram.

Chocolate - psst, she's already got a hidden stash of the chocolate she loves, you'll pick the wrong kind.  Then she'll spend the rest of the night wondering if you are trying to make her fat.

Fishing Pole - do not think of a single present that is a hint to her of what you like - hooker lingerie, fishing pole, sporting event tickets, you will be spending that special time without the love of your life, but will have a very happy best friend taking her place.

Gym Membership - really?  Of course your significant other, DOES NOT need a gym membership.  She's perfect - she has plenty of Spanx to hold everything in.

That stupid little peeing kid from Spensers - no novelty gifts - like "for the girl who has everything" or the twenty pack of different flavored condoms.  Those will be found in the back of her drawer in ten years by your children and you'll be footing the therapy bill.

Clothes - face it, where is everything article of clothing you've bought her?  Not sure?  Have you ever seen her wear it?  Not sure, trust your judgement the orange sweater just isn't her and leave the clothing shopping to her.

What can you go right with?  Gift Cards to her favorite stores.  A handwritten note of how much you love her (get your writer friend to write it.)  Schedule a house cleaning while she's at work.  Think of frivolous when thinking of gifts - fun, not what she expected and completely blow her away.  If all else fails, take her out to dinner and call it a night - especially if she's open to the hooker lingerie you gave her.